I Masturbated to the Fiery Energy

Perhaps there are better ways to deal with grief, but for now, this is all I have. 

Thoughts? 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

I just finished masturbating. Let me tell you to what. It occurred to me that the man who I thought we had our communication to a point to where we could respect one another and move on and understand each other. We were in an argument two days ago. And it was a big one. We started talking about things that we were very passionate about. And he kept speaking over me. And he wouldn't just speak over me. It was one of those things where, because we were both passionate about what we were talking about, we were raising our voices to the point where I had to tell him I have to go because I had a headache. And I hung up and then he proceeded to text me and beg me to call him back. And at first I just said, I really have a headache. I can't talk right now. But he was messaging me on Snapchat and texting me and begging me and calling me. And I knew it wasn't going to stop because it was going on for a while. Meanwhile, I was busy filing my business reports and applying for trademarks for my company. So I knew that it was not going to be a peaceful evening. So I answered him, I called him, and we started speaking again. And I still had a headache, but he promised me that he would listen. And I told him just to even mute himself. And he was so cute. I I really wanted, I really wanted our communication to work. As a matter of fact, I don't know, actually, I'm afraid to think about how he would have responded as this conversation went on, but the way I would have responded was I would have held him. I know he would have wanted to end the conversation. We would have cuddled. And then that would have been a conversation that needed to be discussed, not even the conversation, but how we went about the conflict and how it was unresolved and just put in a corner and not fully dealt with. And it would have just been overshadowed by our need to touch one another. I think it's important that I also say that he and I have never seen each other face to face. This is all online. A man who I met on a platform that I was on who paid for time for me to be his online girlfriend, as far as having the online girlfriend experience the day before Valentine's Day. It was very romantic. I didn't even have to do a lot of sexual things. I ended up doing sexual things because I was so turned on by his um by his efforts to make sure that I didn't feel as though he just wanted me sexually. This man was already claiming me as his wife, and it was so sincere that I was actually bowled over by his charm, and I wanted to entertain him and his energy. But anyway, we were we were talking more and I had a headache. And then the conversation started to get heated again when after 30 minutes I brought up the fact that he still hadn't listened to what I was trying to say before. And I'll be honest with you, deep down, I didn't even care to repeat what I was going to say. What I was going to say wasn't even that important. I was just at a point in trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that there was unresolved communication. I told him I heard everything about him, but it was information that I didn't ask for. And while I was getting ready to say, I understood what he was doing, he kept cutting me off again. So he was only hearing part of what I was saying and taking that and communicating on what he partially heard. And then I had to tell him, you're not listening. I'm trying to make a point with our communication, which by the way, he also was saying the same thing in that our communicating is very important. How we understand that there's going to be conflict, but that it's important to know we come back, which I can appreciate. I understood. I was simply telling him, yes, we do have to come back. However, we still have to deal with what it was we were talking about in as far as conflict resolution. But I didn't get a chance to say those words because he started saying, Well, my mind just goes so fast, it's so rapid. And he said this before. As a matter of fact, he mentioned this about four or five times in the conversation. In both conversations, remember I said I hung up on him. So I heard this already. And I told him, I know you don't have to say that. Just because your mind thinks that fast, you have to discipline your mouth to not. And as I was saying that, he said, Well, have you ever thought that maybe you just think slow? Your mind is just slow, and that it fucking takes you forever to tell a fucking story. And he kept going on. And in mid-story, when he was talking, I hung up on him and I blocked him. And up until this point, I had told him that this conversation was costing me because I was spending my energy talking and arguing with him, but I had made every intention to go on the platforms. And mind you, I wasn't making a lot on the platforms. The way that I was picturing it, I was thinking that this would have been energy that I was using in a way to make up for the money that I just spent to file the business reports that I just paid for. And so he said, Well, I'll give it to you. So I sent him the Cash App request up until this time. But when I hung up on him, I blocked him from the Snapchat, I canceled the request, I blocked him on Cash App, and I banned him from the platform, and I blocked him from my phone, my cell phone, so that he has no other way to contact me. He was insulting me in a way where it then occurred to me that if I was in front of him, that would have been the point I imagined that he would have slapped me. He said he was never he wouldn't hit a woman unless the woman hit him and going into all of that, and people need to keep their hands to themselves. But with everything that's going on in the news, I just want to paint the picture on the perspective of the side of the woman as she may feel strong emotion towards this man who she is willingly want to give her energy to, but at some point it becomes apparent that when the man doesn't know how and what to say, instead of stopping and understanding the woman who he's speaking with, that she's not she is not coming at him in a way to attack him or emasculate him or endanger him that she is saying words that never mind the fact that the words are saying, because remember, what I was telling him was a response to him saying his mind just goes really fast. It's always been like that. He just thinks ten steps ahead. The words I was saying was you don't have to keep saying that. This is where you have to understand your mouth has to control what you think. Like you, I was saying that. That just because your mind goes that fast doesn't mean you have to say everything that your mind is thinking, where it cuts people off, and you're only getting part of the information. That was what I was saying when he cut me off and said, Have you ever thought that maybe you're just slow? Your mind is just slow, and it fucking takes you forever to tell a story. That's when I hung up on him. I heard him start to get angry and impatient. I heard him start to lose control. I know he didn't mean to, but that is the sign that is so important that men, you really need to control your temper. If you are with a woman and you have already sized her up, where you know her nature, you know she's nurturing, your intentions when you're trying to communicate are so important in the heat of a moment. It is so important, and so now both of us are in a place where we're disappointed, but I am not willing to unblock him as much as it hurts, as much as I miss him, as much as I was willing to allow myself to be in a position where I really did want to go and visit him. I really was trying to see this in a form of a relationship. I'm just not willing to unblock him. However, that brings me to the energy that I was feeling He's just one of several who have communicated that they desire me. There's one man that I haven't mentioned before. He had ghosted me a month ago, and exactly a month later, just a few days ago, when I told him I was entertaining to start to see someone. That was when he told me to take him back. I see my time is almost up because my clients are starting to contact me. So I'll just say this. The energy that was there was still turning me on, and I ended up thinking about him and the other men who had communicated that they desired me.

SPEAKER_01 16:14

And I started masturbating to that until I had an orgasm. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 16:29

These are just my private thoughts as I process relationships, my schedule, the world that's on fire right now, and not knowing what to do with that.

SPEAKER_01 16:53

Maybe you have a solution, a better way of coping than I do.

SPEAKER_00 17:02

I'd love to hear your thoughts. Let me know. Bye for now.