Now that I returned to my normal life away from the hotel

I'm home now, but my hotel thoughts are still with me. 

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Transcript

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So I'm back home and everything is back to normal. I am continuing on with my life. I have my pet and my workspace. And of course, as usual, there is always drama within the workspace, but it just reminded me of my time in the hotel, and I realize a little something that I will go into detail about later as far as the man who was talking about how I represent men's hidden desire for taboo sex. I'll go into that at another time, and that's if you would like for me to. So one day, if you want to hear that, I will go into more detail about that. But upon my return, I realized that there were still some members who were looking for me. They were, I don't know, they were calling for my attention. And I'm not sure your faith or your belief or anything like that, but if you are familiar with the book of Proverbs, I was told this one time, I believe it's somewhere in Proverbs in 27, something like that. And it says, The full loathes honey, but to the poor, even what is bitter tastes sweet. That was told to me one day by a counselor when I went to seek therapy years ago, and I asked the counselor, what does that mean? I was telling him about a friend of mine who I had secretly thought of as a rival, and it seemed as though, since we both lived in LA, she was the one who was getting all the legitimate roles. She was a model, she was getting union jobs, she was able to treat her mother to um the highest luxury spas. Whereas for me, I was getting the men who were propositioning me for sex, even if I were even if I didn't present myself or I didn't think I presented myself in a seductive way or in a way where I wanted that side of me to come out, I was still met with that kind of attention. And I I asked the counselor, what did that mean? And he said, Well, let's break it down. The first sentence of that proverb is the full loaves honey. Your friend was filled up with a sense of self-worth and self-value, so she doesn't need outside sweetness to fill her because she already knows her value. And the second sentence, but to the poor, even what is bitter tastes sweet. And he explained that for me, on the other hand, because it didn't seem like I was filled up with a sense of value and things that were given to me or expressed to me when I was younger, I didn't have that sense of self-worth or self-value. And so walking by a construction site, if I were to get that kind of attention for some weird reason, that will fill me up. You can only imagine I was offended. Oh my gosh, I was so offended, which is why I remembered it. I remembered it. And I was offended because when I reflected on it, it was true. So now I believe that same girl, she it's almost as though she has fallen off the face of the earth. I haven't heard from her, I haven't seen her. I believe she gained weight. She's living a little bit of a recluse life. She's not in LA anymore, from what I am understanding. And so um, and gaining weight means nothing. I I mean that in the sense of um she ended up marrying a man who was actually pursuing me and wanted me to marry him. He was a Jewish man, and I turned him down because he wanted to go and radicalize the Jewish the Jews in Israel to make them Christian, and I just said I cannot do that. And unfortunately, I guess that broke his heart, and so that friend uh was there to comfort him, and before I knew it, they became they got married, and um I'm not sure of his dietary lifestyle, but I'm pretty sure his energy played on hers looking back, so that would be the reason why I would imagine she gained an unhealthy amount of weight. However, for myself, I'm still back at adult websites and understand men in that way, as far as how to please them, as far as how to seduce them. However, some of the fantasies that they tell me I've never heard of. And so the newest thing that I'm hearing that is coming to light is that I am innocent and I do seem pure, and these men just want to take that and ravish it. And so at a safe distance, when I can process this, when I can reflect on this, it makes me think about what is it that I do want. It makes me think. Do I want to be ravished? Especially since that role play of that one member involved violating me and taking me without consent repeatedly. And I have to think, no, it's not that. Where when he would write those stories that I shared with you in earlier episodes, he ravished me, he ravaged me, he growled, but yet there was a sense of him knowing to look at me as prey, but then hold me and lift me up to almost complement his masculinity and my femininity. It just seemed as though it was something that I was seeking. And now that the world is coming to an end, it seems like I think in some weird way in my mind that comes across as protection that this masculine energy will protect me in this world, and he's laying his claim on me, claiming me as his own. Even though, even though I've shared or I will share also my faith and my belief, and I know that my creator has made me unto his own. It's nice to have a tangible masculine where I can feel his hands, I can feel his breath, I can hear his words, I can feel his arms hold me. I think there's something that is within me deep that just wants to be held and protected and claimed. That's all for now. Let me know if you want to hear more of my experiences and the stories of when I realized my creator was coming to me, my true coming to Jesus moment, even in the midst of this sexual energy. And I can also share with you some of the stories, the role plays that some of the members have used with me that turned out to be actually my favorites. Thanks so much. Have an amazing week.