Madison's Testimony: Overcoming Fear Worry and Anxiety

Welcome back to today's episode of Generations of Grace Podcast! We are welcoming guest speaker, Madison Hopkins today! She will be sharing a brief testimony about how she struggled with fear, anxiety, and worrisome during her life and how she has learned to lay it all at the feet of Jesus. What may seem "normal" to the world does NOT have to be normal for you. Jesus has called you to be set apart from this world. You do not have to wake up everyday terrified of making the wrong decision. You do not have to live with panic attacks every other day. You do not have to accept tormenting thoughts of your self worth. Jesus came to heal you, save you, set you free and to never be the same again to glorify His name. We encourage you to take a listen as you may be able to relate to several situations mentioned throughout this episode. You won't just be sitting here agreeing with the symptoms, but rather learning how to walk in your inheritance as a child of God. Learning how to let all of these bondages go. 

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Music by Mikhail Smusev from Pixabay

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:21

Welcome back to Generations of Grace podcast. We hope all y'all are doing great today. We have an exciting day planned today for you guys. Let's see. Last week we covered fear, anxiety, and worrisome. And that was part one. And this week we're going to continue that. Chloe is going to do some teaching on that, on some things that I did not cover. And then we have an exciting guest today. It's Chloe's twin sister, my daughter, Madison. And later on, um, she's going to share some of her testimony and how she got some freedom through that and some of the things, knowledge that she has on fear and anxiety. But we will uh bring her in a little later. And I'm gonna kind of let Chloe and then later on, Madison, kind of take over with this today. We hope you guys enjoy.

SPEAKER_01 1:09

All right. So we talked a lot about anxiety and worrisome on the last episode, and we touched base with fear. So I just wanted to continue um talking about different kinds of fear and how that operated in my life. And I know Maddie can share some of how we did things together in our lives that built up that fear in our lives and how we can get rid of it. So I wanted to start off with the different kinds of fear. I know for me, like when I hear fear, I always think it's like, ah, I'm scared of something, but that's not always what it is. Um, so you can have like a fear of people, so and rejection or embarrassment. Um, so that was a lot for me in my life. I thought growing up that my worthiness used to come from my works rather than God's truth. And Maddie's being funny over there. And so just fear of people, rejection, and embarrassment. So, like I said, I thought my love and worthiness came based off of my works in my life. And so that also built up this fear of rejection, embarrassment, fear of people. Because if someone told me no, or if I was wrong in something, I thought that was like how people viewed me, and that only instilled that more and more. And along with that comes amongst other things, such as anxiety and worrisome and stuff. But a lot of that was fear in my life. Um, there's different phobias you can have. So, like I know a lot of people are have phobias of certain kinds of animals or like situations that they're in. If someone goes to see a beautiful view and they see like a cliff, like they have an actual phobia of that. That's something you can have. And then another part of fear on the flip side, like I said earlier, most people think of fear of, oh, I'm scared of something. But on the flip side of that is you actually enjoy the fear and you enjoy instilling fear fear in other people. Um, I feel like for this, this kind of puts you up on a pedestal and it makes your you feel better about yourself in a prideful way because you enjoy putting that fear in others and putting them down. But it's still a spirit of fear within operating within your life, and not only is it operating in your life, but then you're instilling that into other people's lives. Um, and that's exactly what the enemy does. So you're operating under his kingdom instead of the glory of God. So like I said, I used to think my worthiness come from my works. Um, but then I realized the things that I was putting in my life is what helped operate in that. So I went to Romans 10, 17, it says, So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. And that goes to show that your faith is built up based off of what you're putting inside your body, what's what you're putting in your eyes, in your ears, in your mouth. And so you need to protect your temple because as a Christian, you are a temple of the Holy Spirit. Not only do you need to protect your fleshly body, but you need to protect your mind and your spirit. It's important what you're putting in that. But I did not listen to what I needed to growing up. I never listened to Christian music. The only time I did was because I knew I was a Christian and I knew I it was the good thing to be doing. Oh yeah, I'm a good Christian listening to my Christian music, but I never actually enjoyed doing it, and that should have put me a check in my spirit then. But I a lot of the music I listened to was like female singers talking about like men cheating or people leaving them, and so it kind of put a thing in me to where I felt like I couldn't trust people, and that goes back to the fear of people and just always waiting for that fear of rejection coming upon you, and it just didn't feed into your my life, right? And then another thing that I put inside my eyes and my ears that was not from God was horror movies. As a really small kid, I loved watching horror movies, and uh like later on throughout my life, it actually so I really enjoyed, like I was saying earlier, I really enjoyed putting that fear within me, not realizing it was fear, I just thought it was something cool, and you know how you get like that feeling of when you are scared, like your adrenaline starts going and stuff. I really enjoyed that, but then later on in my life, it flipped into the oh now I'm terrified of everything. It turned into phobias of things, and it just it operates however it wants in your life. It can flip whatever. And then another thing is we would play these games called scare games. And so what we would do is you turn all the lights off in the room and you would go hide on the bed, and one person would enter the room whenever they wanted and however they wanted to try to scare you as much as possible. Um, whether they were like had hair all over in front of their face and um was just like throwing things around the room, and so it was like representing a supernatural experience in a way, and that opened doors to all kinds of fear within my life. And after that, I was just like walking on eggshells in my life because I was just scared of everything. And then going on to Psalms 101 2 through 4, it says, I behave wisely in a perfect way. Oh, when will you come to me? I will walk within my house with a perfect heart, I will set nothing wicked before my eyes. I hate the work of those who fall away. It shall not cling to me. A perverse heart shall depart from me. I will not know wickedness. And so that verse just goes to show more on it's important what you're putting in your eyes and your ears and your heart. Um it says, I will walk within my house with a perfect heart. You aren't called, like I said earlier, to do the good works to walk in the glory of God in his kingdom, but you are to go to God and he will change your heart to walk in the ways, just as Jesus Christ did, because when he was here on earth, he was operating as a man. And so he showed you the ways to walk in the perfect way, because some people think that, oh, I can never do that. But Jesus showed you exactly you are able to do that because of the power from God that is within you, and that's exactly how Jesus did it too. He denied his flesh as a man and sought the Father in heaven who gave him the power to walk in the ways. And we see all throughout the Bible when Jesus delivers people, and uh yes, he they are delivered of other things, but amongst that is these main three things of fear, anxiety, and worrisome. And I know Maddie has a lot to share on anxiety and worrisome too, and just different testimonies of her life. So here's Maddie. Hi, my name is Madison Hopkins. I'm um Chloe's twin sister and Tonya's daughter. Um I'm also a nurse, and uh I am married with my wonderful husband. He's fantastic. Um we don't have any kids as of yet, but we will be having some eventually. Um let's see here. So uh Chloe kind of did really, really good about touching the base on the fear and everything. And uh, of course we're twins, so we were together all the time. So yeah, all the scare games and everything we did, we did all that together. And um, I was just gonna kind of touch base and say, uh Satan will try to use so many different things against you. And he can only use what you allow into your life. Because I say everything's a choice, and it is essentially, because if you choose God and push into God, he's gonna protect you and cover you. Um and it with that fear and anxiety, if he can't get you with fear, he's gonna get you with anxiety, or he's gonna get you with something else to kind of pull all of those things into your life together. So if he can't get you with one, he's gonna open up a door to another and then try to pull those other ones into your life as well. So yeah, like she mentioned, I struggled for a long time with anxiety. Um, I uh about middle school, I would say probably is when it all kind of started. And of course, your pre-teenage and teenage years, all the hormones coming into play and everything, and um, a lot's going on in your life at that time, especially in a public school and everything. Um I was a little boy crazy for a while. I would say that's probably how it how it started and what opened up the door to anxiety. And um, fear started early on for me before that, even as a child, just because of all the games and horror movies and all that stuff that opened up the doors to bring that in. Um, but the anxiety started. Uh I was getting boy crazy and I had boyfriends all the time, and I chose not the best of Christian men, you know. And um, I was always worried about what others thought of me and what kind of would what I'd have to wear that that day, because at school it was a big thing. So before school, I would change five, six, seven times. And if I couldn't find the right outfit, I would just have a meltdown and just feel not beautiful, and just like if I didn't feel good about my outfit, something as silly as clothes, I didn't, I wasn't going to have a good day because I felt unworthy and I didn't think I'd be as pretty as the other girls, or I wouldn't think my boyfriend think I would look good for the day and stuff like that. And so we also like that goes into what I talked about earlier too, on the things that we watched and stuff growing up, because we watch shows like Mean Girls. That is not a show that a small female child should be watching because that just feeds into your mindset of, oh, when I get to high school, this is how it's going to be. And so I have to base my decisions based off of this to prove my work. And there's even an exact verse on that in Matthew 6, 25. It says, Therefore, I tell you, this is Jesus speaking, therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life. What you will eat or drink, or about your body, or what you will wear, is not life more than food and the body more than clothes. So that right there is specifically telling you, don't care about what you're wearing. Like just put on your clothes. That's not even something you should even have to worry about whatsoever, because you just that that's just a tiny little tick that Satan's gonna try to use against you, and then it's just gonna drive you mad. And you can't do that. Yeah, just be modest with your clothing and embrace it because I mean, God gives you beauty as a woman, and so just embrace that modesty, and yeah, and it's a wonderful thing when you begin to understand that, like, no Lord, like you have made me in your image. I am beautiful, and I'm able to wear these clothes for your glory rather than everyone's gonna be judging me when I go out there. Yeah, yeah. And you can because everyone's worried, oh, if I dress modestly, I'm not gonna look cute. That ain't true. No, it's not. So, one of the main reasons, so my husband, he's amazing. One of the main things that kind of drew him to me was that I didn't dress like the other girls in high school, and I didn't act like the other girls in high school because as we know, girls in high school, we can dress a little derogatory in ways, you know. And he he liked that about me, and that's what drew him to me because he was like, You portray something that's almost pure in a way that glorifies the Lord, and that's what one why I why I wanted you to make make you my wife, is what it was. That exactly goes to show when the Lord has called us to be set apart from the world, you were physically set apart in his eyes that drew him. Yes. Absolutely. And then, of course, if you are addressing derogatory and everything, and you have this man that has his eyes on you and stuff, he's looking at you for your body and not for your heart. That's right. And then you get that's good, you get in a relationship where you're almost stuck, and then sometimes you pull in those toxic men to where they're gonna be abusive towards you, whether that's emotional, verbal, sexual, physical, whatever it may be, and you wonder why. But the whole reason he was drawn to you in the first place is because of how you were doing. Not saying like people say you're asking for it or anything whatsoever. That is not it whatsoever. But if you draw if you dress modestly and portray yourself in the world as the Lord sees you, all you're gonna draw in is those good Christian men that's gonna honor you and love you the way that God loves you. Alrighty, on to the next. Um, so yeah, I struggled a bit with anxiety for a long time. And then I got into an abusive relationship myself in high school. Um, we were together for a few years. Um, he had a really, really rough home life. Um, before that, I was also in another uh toxic relationship when I was younger, and he uh sexually abused me a couple times, and um that that that was the beginning of just opening up doors, and that was in middle school, so it started when I was 12 years old, about 12. And um, and of course, we grew up Christian and we were very strong in our faith, but we had no idea the world of Christianity that was true. We didn't understand the whole spiritual side of everything and how all that worked. We just, I love Jesus, he loves me, let's go live our life and bring him with us. But it Christ tells us to lay our lives down and follow him, not the opposite. You want him to meet you, but you don't want to meet him. Yeah, that's what it was. And uh so yeah, I struggled for a long time, and then I started getting these mixed emotions of like, I knew I was a Christian, I knew I was loved, I knew everything was good, but then I started getting these feelings and emotions of just overwhelmingly, and I would feel these ways that would just be put on my body, and I'm just like, I don't know how to react to this. It was almost like a a war going on inside my body. So part of me felt like I wanted to sin and I wanted to do all these bad things, and then the other part of me was like, you can't, my conviction is what it was, and it was like you can't do those things, you can't go against what you know is true and the love of the Lord and everything.

SPEAKER_00 14:14

And Madison, whenever you were feeling these ways, did it ever send you into an actual like panic attack or anxiety? 100%. So can you tell us a little about how that felt? Yeah. And like how how you got through that or when you did finally get through it? Like, do you still have those?

SPEAKER_01 14:29

I do not, praise the Lord. I'll get into that in a second. Um, but yeah, so uh I'd never really had a panic attack until about high school. So these feelings and everything kind of started, like I said, when I was about 12, when I entered that abusive relationship, got out of that relationship and got into another abusive relationship. Um uh and um so the panic attacks probably started when I was in high school. And it was just because I didn't know how to deal with those feelings, that was almost what it felt like. Like um, I would get into an argument with my boyfriend or something, something silly, something small, or I didn't know what to wear that day. And I knew my family, they're they're also amazing, and but I didn't know if they would understand what was happening. So I never had one in front of anybody. I would always be by myself, and um uh they really started getting worse whenever I um was with my husband, husband now. We were boyfriend and girlfriend way later on, but when we started hanging out again after I left my abusive relationship, um, the panic attacks increased significantly. And I was like, why is this happening? And kind of what happens whenever that happens is you'll be sitting there, something minor will happen. Like if I got into an argument with my boyfriend, and um I would just feel so overwhelmed. I would get like this hot feeling over my body, and then I would just have all these thoughts racing my mind. And depending on the situation, it would depend on what was happening to my body and my mind. So certain times it would just be this overwhelming feeling of I don't know what to do, I'm gonna shut down, and I would cry and stuff. A different time would be like, if I didn't know what to wear for the day, all these thoughts of you're not beautiful, you're unworthy would start flooding my mind, and I felt like I couldn't stop it. One of the big things I did is I would put both my hands over my ears and I would tuck my head into my chest, and then I would just kind of bawl and baw until I would almost hyperventilate and pass out, is what it would happen.

SPEAKER_00 16:33

And you're gonna learn that Madison learned how to overcome that later on. But at the moment, like we talked about in our last podcast, she didn't know the tools to use. She didn't know who to go to, she didn't know what to do to change her mind and get those thoughts out of there.

SPEAKER_01 16:48

So because Christianity in our mind at that time was like, oh, we love God, he loves us, that's all fine. And then um, sorry, one over here. And then um uh whenever I did learn how to use those tools, like God gives us authority and power to take over those thoughts and take them captive and everything. But at the time, I didn't even know that was often. I was just like, oh, worldly speaking, you know, like people go through this stuff, you just gotta go through it, maybe get into some therapy, maybe get some anti-anxiety meds, all that stuff. But spiritually speaking, and knowing our truth of what the Lord has for us, we can overcome that with it's so it's so simple. It's so simple. That's a big thing in my life. It's just so simple now. Yeah. And I just wanted to read some scripture that would help with that. About this is a war. Um, you have to understand some tools that you need to use within it. God does give us his power and authority to fight this. It's not normal. You don't have to be stuck with these thoughts, you don't have to be stuck with these, the lifestyle, like Maddie. She shared that she went from relationship to a relationship that was toxic and abusive. And it was, oh, well, I'm just bad at picking guys. No, it's because she didn't understand the spiritual authority that God has given her to make those wise decisions in Him. So I'm in 2 Corinthians 10. We're gonna go three through six. It says, For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled. So that right there just goes to show you that yes, we are humans, yes, we walk in the flesh just as Jesus walked, but you can't just walk. Like you have to fight in the spirit. You can't just let everything just, oh, well, that's just life and that's just how it happens. No, God has told you to pick up his authority as a Christian and be able to fight these things. You can't just live your life just sitting down hoping the right things will happen. That's not faith. Faith is putting it into action and knowing what the word of God says and using that. Yeah, absolutely. And like if you don't know, like if you're struggling with anxiety or fear and everything and you're like, oh, I want to use scripture against this battle and fight, if you don't know about this, if you even just download the Bible app on your phone, or most Bibles have this in them. They have categories in them that have verses related to those categories. So, like right now, I got a bunch of my verses um from the Bible app on my cell phone. And if you go to the discover portion, it has all kinds of different kinds of things you can use and even a search bar. And if you just type in the word anxiety, it's gonna pull up all the scripture related to anxiety. Um, and you can use that against the battles that you're going through. Yes, and another good one that I've heard of is called Haven. And so you could literally type in any question that you have and it'll pull up scriptures and explanations on how to address that situation. Yeah. And of course, take everything that you read because this is also like written by man. So also take all that and take it to the actual word of God, the Bible, and test it.

SPEAKER_00 19:54

And if there's anybody out there that doesn't want to do all that, we are more than happy. You can reach out to us on our messenger or whatever on our Facebook page. That's Generations of Grace. Is it podcast afterwards? Or is it just say generations of grace? It's generations of grace, but plenty nice pictures on there. And you can find it. But anytime you guys need anyone out there listening, whether you know us, whether you don't know us, if you need prayer. I actually just received a message yesterday. It was from someone I know, but it's someone that I have known for a very long time, but I'm not in close touch with them that listened to an episode and they reached out. And it but anyway, I just want you guys to know if you need prayer of any kind or just need answers or scripture or anything to help with anxiety, fear, worry, or anything else going on in your life, just message us or reach out to us in some way.

SPEAKER_01 20:41

And that's why we're here. We don't want you guys to feel like you're alone because, like we've talked about in the past, is the enemy likes to make you isolate and feel like you're alone. You don't know how to do this, like Maddie was talking about. I don't know how to go about these emotions. So it led into panic attacks. We're here to help.

SPEAKER_00 20:56

And I just wanted to um, Madison, real quick, and I hope I'm not jumping ahead from you because I don't I I don't know what she has planned to say. So I hope I'm not jumping ahead. But just to kind of show people, because something Chloe and I had touched on last week was how things start out as a little bit of fear, then it turns into anxiety, and then we we turn to starting having thoughts that get really, really bad. So do you feel like you progressed, like it started out more mild and it got to a higher level of higher level? And did it get to the level of you were just done? Like you didn't. Okay. Could you tell just a little bit about how that kind of went?

SPEAKER_01 21:32

When it all first started, it was small and simple things. Like I mentioned the wardrobe and stuff. Like it was just like, oh, this is silly. Like I wouldn't cry or anything about that. It would just be like, oh, I feel a little overwhelmed. I don't know what to wear. A really big thing, too, is a small minor thing that started was decision making. That lasted for a long time of like simple things, like going out to eat, as everyone kind of struggles with. Um it would overwhelm you just to try to decide where to go out. Or um, I don't know, which hallway are we gonna take to our next class? Stuff like that. Yeah, and I feel like I struggle with that too because the decision making was it turned into when I actually found the root of it was I didn't want to make the wrong decision. Exactly. And you don't want to upset anyone around you and everything. So yeah, and that's how Satan works. He'll just do a tiny little bit at a time to where you have so much going on, you don't even realize how it started anymore in those minor things. That way, when you grow in your faith and your walk with Christ, when those small things start to happen, you recognize it and you can immediately stop it to where you don't go into those severe trip spots. Yeah, and I want you guys to know if you struggle with that as well on fear of making a wrong decision or something in that area, please know that God knew that you were gonna make mistakes. He knew you were gonna fail, he knew you were gonna screw up, but Jesus chose to die on a cross for you and come back to life and take those whips at the whipping post, knowing that you were going to screw up because he loves you. So, no next time you make a decision, just know I'm gonna seek the Lord in this. As long as I'm being obedient to him, I won't make the wrong decision. But if I do make the wrong decision, it's okay. His when I repent and his forgiveness is there waiting for me. It's all because he loves me and just remind yourself of that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:18

So it started out with just small little things, and then how did it progress?

SPEAKER_01 23:21

Yeah. So whenever I kind of kept going, um, in high school, it started progressing some more of to where, like, if I would be by myself, I would um um I would start having those thoughts and stuff kind of start coming into my mind. And when the thoughts first started, it would be like, Oh, you're not pretty, no, you don't know what everyone's gonna think about you, they're gonna think you're ugly and all these things. And then as it progressed, I started having thoughts about harming myself. And I just try was trying to think of ways I remember my biggest thought was how do I make this pain and anxiety go away? And I'm like, I don't know how to get rid of this, basically, because I didn't have the tools at my disposal at the time. And I would get these thoughts of if I was washing the dishes or something, hey, there's a knife over there, what would it be like if you put that against your wrist? And the first time it happened, I was like, what in the world? That is just horrible. And I grew up the type where like, this is awful, but I was like, I don't understand how anyone could ever harm themselves. Like, that just doesn't make any sense. That's silly, life's so good, why would you do such a thing? And then here I am, years and years later, having these thoughts. And the first time it happened, it was kind of Satan was kind of easing his way to see how far he could test me in a way. So the first time it happened, I was like, that is stupid. Why would that even come into your mind? That's horrible. And then once the anxiety and panic attacks and everything started increasing and everything, when those thoughts came, I started to act upon them. And that's when Satan knew, like, hey, I got her now, like she's ready for it now.

SPEAKER_00 24:54

It's good to go. What is what is that verse? Uh, kill, kill, still, still, kill, and destroy. That is his goal. And he doesn't just come out and do it just like, hey, look what I'm doing. I'm gonna make well he mimics God. Yes. He and he is very sneaky and just slowly trying to get us to work up to doing things. And his ultimate goal is to just destroy us.

SPEAKER_01 25:15

It's no different than like God, he gives you tasks and everything. And he it even says that we have to start off with like milk. So like we have to start off slowly before we go to Whole Foods. It's no different. God gives you small things at a time to grow your faith and strengthen it. No different than Satan, because he loves to mimic God because he's so jealous of him. He'll give you small things at first, like trying to figure out what to wear and stuff, and then he'll slowly progress that to where he's gonna get you to it. But it only depends on how much power you give him. Satan can only do whatever you decide to give him, is what it is. That's right. Because he has no actual, like he has power here on earth, but like Maddie said, just what you give him. And when he comes after you, like mom said, it's not gonna be some big aha moment, like, oh, that's Satan. He and he doesn't always like to go one route with it. He will, like with Maddie, she said it depending on her situations, which this happened with mom and I as well. But uh, we're here to share Maddie's testimony today. And so let's say, for example, if something was going on in that toxic relationship, which before she never would have thought anything about these thoughts, like that's silly, whatever. But then if something happened in that toxic relationship, that's an other area that Satan's attacking. And then he's like, now I'm gonna throw that thought at her. And it's no different than like totally, I feel like struggled a lot more with fear growing up, and I struggled a lot more with anxiety. Once that anxiety door was open and I was having panic attacks all the time and everything, I became a not so very nice person for a little while. And it's no different than like how she was talking earlier about how fear isn't always just to scare you. Sometimes fear can be like a power tool. I struggled with that for a little while. So after this anxiety door was open, once it progressed where I was harming myself and all these other things, Satan knew he had me so far he could start pulling in other things like fear. So I never struggled with fear for a long time until I progressed so far in my anxiety and I was just so overwhelmed. I used fear as a power tool to hurt others, and I loved making others feel like they were beneath me almost. I was a bully essentially. And um, it made me feel awful. And then now I've repented and I've apologized to people and stuff. And if there's anyone out there that I haven't apologized to, I am so, so sorry because it wasn't anything against you. God loves you, I love you. It was just my own personal battles I was struggling with that I love taking out on others because it made me feel better about myself. It made me feel like I wasn't gonna be in as much pain. And I feel like that's anybody who does harm to anyone, they're just trying to take the pain away from themselves. It's no different. So I was a very like I felt like I was a very sweet person overall for the most part. And so when people realized I struggled with such deep dark things, they were like, How could this person be struggling with that? You know? And it's just that's how Satan works. He's sneaky, he's real sneaky. And if you know someone that is struggling with these things, like Maddie said she got really she her personality started changing and she was acting different. Maddie and I are twins, we are best friends growing up, like we know everything about each other, and but in this time, we were all in our own separate worlds. So, as me, if I knew the power and authority that God has given me, don't be quiet. It may be a hard confrontation, but use the use Christ's love to address this to help them because Maddie felt so alone and so isolated that if someone would have reached out to her just as Jesus did when he was here on earth to save, then that could have prevented some more of these things from happening and been set free sooner. Showed me the tools that we could have used and stuff, and they're probably going to get mad. Like they're gonna tell you if you want to go tell someone the truth about what's going on out of love and they try to help them, they're going to get mad at you. And it's nothing against you, it's not against what you said, it's that they're struggling and they're trying to learn how to accept that, especially because Satan is working so hard in them to fight what you're wanting to tell them. Yes, and you must deposit prayer, intercede for them, which means praying on their behalf and take it to the throne room of Jesus, that you are preparing their hearts before you address them and just making sure that Jesus starts softening their hearts to prepare that because he wants them free more than you want them free. Oh yeah. We get distracted a little bit, but I'm gonna keep going on to the little testimony part. I'm so sorry. Um, so after high school, I went to college, and of course, uh right out of college, um, I got into nursing school. Me and my twin sister both did. Um, she's an amazing stay-at-home mom now and works for our church. The nursing path wasn't for her. Um, but we got into nursing school, and I honestly I never even said I had anxiety out loud until probably college, and it was in nursing school. And nursing school, it was it was brutal. It was brutal. Um, any nurse out there, kudos to you. You're you're amazing because it takes special people for sure. Not trying to toot my own horn or anything, but not just the nursing field itself, but the school itself too. It can be brutal. Um, I remember day one of nursing school, they took all of us into a room and they basically gave us a speech about like, this is your life now. Like, you can't put family first, you're not allowed to get married, you're not allowed to have children, and you will not put your faith above. And they said that out loud. They said, You will not put your faith and religion above this program.

unknown 30:19

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 30:20

And me and my twin sister just kind of looked at each other and we were like, Wait a minute. We were like, what did we get into? We were like, what is this? And it was so just eye-opening of how the world can be. Because even the college and everything we went to, of course, I'm not gonna say names, but it was like a very rural type area. Yeah. And I was like, if this little itty-bitty college is gonna tell us we can't have our faith and stuff in our life, what I can't imagine what's going on in like big cities and stuff that don't even have an idea about anything, you know? And um, so that was day one, but for some reason we stayed and kept pushing through because we wanted to help people, we wanted to be there for them and help the sick. And um, so we pushed through, and I have, I'm not gonna say never cried as much. Like, I've cried so much in my lifetime, but nursing school, it was almost every day. I was crying, and I never struggled with test taking or anything before until nursing school. And I remember going to um some of my advisors um in college's rooms, and I would just be like, I don't know what to do. Like, I'm failing these tests, and I was a straight A student all my life until nursing school, and I was like, I don't know what to do. I'm struggling, just bawling my eyes out. And the only thing they would ever tell, and I'm asking for like tips on how to study and stuff, the only thing they would ever tell me would go get on anti-anxiety medicine. You need to, like, that's the only thing that could ever fix it. And these were Christian women too, who were telling me this. And I told them from day one, I don't want to be on anti-anxiety medicine. I just, I just want to know test taking tips. That's all I'm here for. And they were like, no, you gotta get on that medicine. And uh I never did. Um, I didn't want to be uh on medicine or anything, which is crazy because I'm a nurse and stuff, but you know, like I know the medical side of it between the amount of the brain and all that stuff. I fully get that. But there's also a very, very, very real attack from Satan that is mostly behind all that.

SPEAKER_00 32:12

And we are not condemning anyone that chooses to, you know, take a medication or whatever. Absolutely not. With us, though, with our beliefs, I'm glad Maddie touched on this because Chloe and I actually talked about this after our last podcast. We meant to bring this up. We feel like if you're struggling with fear and anxiety or just whatever it is, depression in your life, you can take a medicine. Yes. But something caused that to happen in your life. What's the root of it? So we feel like the medicine is just a band-aid instead of actually getting to the root of the problem. Yes, the medicine can help us feel better, but we need to figure out why we really feel that way and get healing from that. Absolutely. And so that's why we have chosen that we we don't do that because we want healing from that. Now, used to we wouldn't have felt that way, but now that we know there's tools through Jesus Christ, we have decided that that's the route that we will take. But we are not condemning anyone else. Everyone is on their own path and has their own time, um, you know, and are revealed things sooner. But just know there is help through Jesus and that if you are suffering from these things, that you that that taking medication may make you feel better for a time being, but it's not going to get to the root of the problem.

SPEAKER_01 33:24

Absolutely, 100%. Because it's no different than like if you have a cold or something. I pray as much as possible for healing and all the things because there's real power in that. It's no different anti-anxiety medicine, Tylenol, all the all the things. It's I'm I'm a nurse. I get it. I get it totally.

SPEAKER_00 33:40

Well, you just said Tylenol, that makes perfect sense. So if you are having chronic headaches, I'm not saying if you have a headache occasionally and need to take a Tylenol, but if you're having chronic headaches, wouldn't that be what it is? Yeah, like daily, there's probably something going on. No one should be having a headache every single day. So therefore, you can continue to take Tylenol, or most people would eventually go see what's the root of these headaches. Exactly. And so you can take Tylenol, or you can find the roots so that you can get a cure for that actual root of it.

SPEAKER_01 34:10

That's right. Oh, yeah, 100%. And um, so uh I was gonna touch base on so I was in college, going to nursing school, all these things. I was also with my boyfriend at the time. He's now my husband. He's amazing. Um, so like I mentioned earlier, when we got together, my panic and anxiety attacks went through the roof. He was the first person I ever had a panic attack in front of. Um, and I was like, he is the most I thought, I thought he was an angel for the longest time. I'm like, this guy's too perfect. Like, there must, and of course, my mind went to, oh, he must be hiding something because he seems too good to be true. And that's when Satan was just kind of feeding it into my mind of, yeah, there's something wrong with him. He must be hiding something only because he seems too good to be true. And that was just a lie. He's he's amazing. Guess what? My Jesus is too good to be true, but he's real. That's right. That's right. And so um we got together and I just kept thinking, why are these getting worse? Like, I'm not in this abusive relationship anymore. Like, I um was trying to go back, I was going back to church at that time because we didn't go to church for years and years and years, which is a rookie mistake. And but it depends, you gotta go to the right church too. You gotta find one that strives for the Lord and the Holy Spirit, but we won't get into all that today. Um, so I was going to church, I was in this great relationship. I I was going to nursing school, like I was, I felt like I was doing perfect in life, but for some reason they were getting worse and worse, and my thoughts were getting worse and worse. Um, I wasn't harming myself anymore, only only because I promised my boyfriend at the time I wouldn't. And I promised my mom I wouldn't. And uh that was the only thing keeping me from it. But I was still struggling with thoughts. I still wanted, I remember when I would hurt myself, the pain would go away, almost like a drug in a way. Like when I would hurt myself, I would be bawling because I just felt so convicted. Like, why are you doing this? But I felt so much relief because the pain was temporarily gone, no different than a drug. That's why anyone who does drugs, that's why they do drugs, because they just want the pain to stop. Or even sexual immorality, like you that act, you're fine for five minutes. Exactly. You just feel all you just want it gone. And but anyways, once I honor myself and I'm thinking, why are these happening? It was because I know I'm bragging on my husband a lot, but he was so good and so in tune with the Lord that all of the struggles within me and the anxiety, fear, depression, suicide, all that stuff that was going on, it was being pulled out by the light that was within him. That's right. And that's when the Lord tells us, go out and be the light to others, and you're gonna pull out what they need pulled out, basically. And that's what was happening. And I was like, How is this man so good? Why is this all happening? And he would just hold me while I would ball, and he was amazing. And the word says light expels the darkness. Exactly. And he was showing me what true love was, like actual true love. And I didn't know how to react to that. I was like, I don't know what this is. I remember the first time I was terrified um to do something. Oh, I wanted to go out with a friend. The first time I asked him um when he was my boyfriend, and he was like, Well, of course. Like, why are you even asking me? Like, that's your friend. Do you love spending time with them? And I remember just bawling because I was like, but are you gonna be mad at me? I thought he was gonna be mad at me because I wanted to go, or my sisters. I wanted to go spend time with my friend or my sisters, and he was like, Absolutely, like, go and do that. Why would you not do that? That's amazing. And I bawled because I thought deep down he was angry at me because of my past relationships, because they would be angry with me if I did that. Manipulation tactics. Exactly. And it never was, and he was just like, What is going on? What is this? It's just as confused, exactly. And so those panic attacks and everything were increasing and increasing and increasing. And um, I did try to take my life um a couple of times just because not because I wanted to, I just wanted the pain to stop. Yeah, and I wanted the thoughts to stop, and they were just flooding my mind. And music, I have to tell you, like Trolley talked about in the beginning, Chloe. I'm so sorry. At the beginning of the um podcast, music is such a strong weapon that Satan uses. He played some of the most beautiful music there ever was. And I remember every time I tried to take my life, I was listening to music at the time. And I don't even listen to that music or anything anymore. Um, and I don't condemn anybody for listening to other music, but you need to listen to Christian music. What you fill your eyes and your ears with are what you're gonna be influenced by. Yep. Same thing with your friends, whatever you surround yourself with, that's what you're gonna be influenced by. And then uh, so we started doing uh I started increasing those panic attacks and everything, and then we were started going to a new church at the time. They started off as a tent revival. Um, it's the gathering tabernacle. I know Choli's mentioned it in her past podcast before. And they were touching base on all kinds, we thought we were like very well-rounded and know mostly everything about the Bible Christians. We knew nothing. We knew nothing. We started going to this church and we were like, that's not in the Bible, or stuff we were told our entire lives that we thought were in the Bible. We were like, it's not in the Bible. We were like, oh my gosh, all these truths are being told. We were like, what is this new world of Christianity? We had no idea about. So we started going there, they progressed, we started going to the church and everything. I had been going to this church probably three years, four years or so, three or four years. And um, it was actually June 8th of 2025, so not that long ago. So recently. Recently, yes. So I struggled, so I wasn't having, I was still having panic attacks, all these things. Um, not near as bad as they were, but things were still happening. So, of course, I we were going to this new church stuff, and I thought I was getting better. I thought I was fine because panic attacks weren't happening near as much, but they were still happening, and I would still have these occasional thoughts, always at the worst when I was alone. That is a big thing. Um, when I was alone, because he loves to isolate. And I, so June 8th, 2025, we were in church, and um, it's not published, but I am writing a book about the whole experience and everything. Um, I'm hoping to publish at some point this year. It's a very, very short book about this whole experience. So I'm not gonna go into details, but basically, we were in church, it was a normal church day. Uh, our preacher was preaching, and I just got this overwhelming conviction, and it felt like the exact same feelings of when I get a panic attack. And mind you, I still never had a panic attack in front of any anyone except my husband. And the feelings were happening, and I was like, Well, my golly, I'm in the middle of church. What am I supposed to do here? And I ended up getting prayer at church, and I was set free, praise the Lord, and I do not struggle with anxiety now. Um, I do not have any more panic attacks, I do not have any more self-harming thoughts, I do not have any more severe fear. Like all these things, they're just gone now. Praise the Lord. And like I said, I'm not gonna go into all the details and everything, but you'll have to read her book to find out the details and how to deliver it as she got set free. But it's good, we read it. Yeah. And so, um, of course, after I was delivered, attacks are still gonna come. Just because you learn to love the Lord and go after him and read your Bible and all these things, Satan's gonna probably try to start attacking you worse than ever before because he doesn't want you going after the Lord. But now that we have these tools and stuff that we know how to use, I even had to go back to church and talk to my pastor, but like, what am I supposed to do now? What do I do? Like, how do I move forward from this? I I felt like I had to read the book all over again of the Bible because I was just like, I feel like I'm a brand new baby Christian again. I felt like I knew nothing after my deliverance and everything. Because when you have those things in your lives, you can't read the word in the fullness that God needs you to because those things are blocking your eyes from seeing it absolutely from it. Yes, you just gotta keep pushing forward and move forward. It's attacks are still gonna come. You just gotta keep on, keep it on.

SPEAKER_00 42:04

Do you guys do you guys have anything else? Or probably that I forgot, but you know, yeah, not that off the top of my mind.

SPEAKER_01 42:11

We could talk all day, but we need to wrap it up.

SPEAKER_00 42:13

Yeah, um, but Maddie, we just want to thank you for being here today and for sharing your story. And I'm I hope that it touches somebody out there and that um that it really helps them through something that they're going through and knowing that there is hope, and there's hope through Jesus, and that um if you're living that way and feeling those feelings, you do not have to, you do not have to feel that way. And but we really do appreciate Madison opening up. I know it's it's not always easy to open up about your story and about things that have happened, personal experiences and what people, especially if you've struggled with fear and anxiety about what people are thinking, but but you know what? She's here because she doesn't care about that anymore. She knows who she is. And um, so anyway, um, well, we will be back in a couple of weeks to release our next episode. Not sure yet what we're gonna be discussing. We're praying on that. So we will, I think it's gonna have something to do with motherhood, yeah, but we're not 100% sure. But anyway, so we will be back and we hope that you guys have enjoyed and um and learned and that the Holy Spirit has revealed things to you guys about fear and anxiety and worry. And like I said, if anyone has any questions or needs prayer, please reach out to us. If you know us personally, message us, call us. If you don't know us personally, go to our Facebook page, Generations of Grace, and send us a message. And um, I hope everybody has a blessed day. And I think Madison is actually going to close us in prayer today.

SPEAKER_01 43:36

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And even myself, if you find me on Facebook or you know me, please reach out because I'd love to be there for you. Because, like I said, we don't want to be alone in this. All right. Dear Heavenly Father, thank you, Lord, so much for bringing us here today and giving us the opportunity to reach out to others there who may be struggling or having a hard time, whether that's fear, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts. Um, Anything that may be going on, struggles of the mind, struggles of the heart, that um we just need to reach out to them, Lord. Touch their hearts right now, touch their minds and their souls, Father. Just let them know that they are not alone. And then the power and true love and worthiness that you have for them, Lord. Just let them know. Just shower them with your love and your peace, Father God. Let them know it doesn't always have to be this way. Father God, I just pray that you just touch their hearts and pull them closer to you, Lord. Let them know that there are other options, there are other opportunities, and that they are a worthy, love, beautiful child of God, a beautiful daughter of God, beautiful son of God. They are yours, Father. And I just rebuke anything that may be trying to come against them in any way, any aspects of their life, Father God. And I just pray that you touch them and you heal them and they you bring them closer to you, Lord. Thank you so much for today. In Jesus' name, amen.