Bwoyatingz Podcast
Bwoyatingz Podcast is a Jamaican-based show hosted by Kareem “Bwoyatingz” Weathers that focuses on open, honest, and often taboo conversations about modern life, relationships, culture, and society.
I dive into subjects that many people find sensitive or uncomfortable to discuss — things like sex, sexuality, gender roles, mental health, relationships, dating culture, societal norms, and more. I approach these topics in a candid, no-judgment way, encouraging real dialogue and honest perspectives.
Bwoyatingz Podcast
Season Finale: Identity, Truth & Courage - Dr. Jax Heffes
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In this season finale of the Kareem Bwoyatingz Podcast, Kareem sits down with Dr. Jax Heffes for a powerful conversation about identity, self-discovery, and living authentically.
From early experiences of feeling different to making life-changing decisions, this episode explores the journey of becoming who you truly are.
Born Rachel Lauren Elizabeth Hefes, Jax spent years knowing something didn't align, feeling like a man living in a woman's body, even while excelling in the elite academic and equestion and professional spaces. But after a life altering riding accident and years of quiet reflection, Jax chose to transition and live his truth fully, publicly, and unapologetically. Today we're talking about knowing, waiting, becoming, and what it means to show up as your authentic self in a society that doesn't always make space for difference. This is not just a story about transition. It's a story about truth. Welcome to the show, Dr. Jack S. Do I call you Jax or do I call you Doc?
SPEAKER_07Uh you can call me Jax.
SPEAKER_03Jax, alright. Um, so in my intro and also in my research, I know that your transition wasn't just an impulsive move. It was something that you knew from a younger age. But what was the first moment you realized that you were a boy slash man trapped in a girl slash woman's body, even if you didn't have the words for it as yet to kind of you know like identify or to to define? What was that moment for you? Welcome back to another make me want the keys. No room. Yeah, it's 60 seconds to sell this vehicle to us. I'm going to start the timer. You understand me? 60 seconds on the clock. Tell us all you need to tell us about this vehicle and go.
SPEAKER_00Alright, sure, no problem. So the Tank 300 is a vehicle for managers and people who love adventure. So, as you can see, this rugged boxy design gives you the ability and it makes you feel like you're going on an adventure. You do have 17-inch rims, which is 26 255-65 that give you a comfortable ride. On the inside, let's go take a look. One thing I think everybody will appreciate about this vehicle is how much visibility you have. You sit up high, and everything is clear as day. You do have a lot of features in here, and it's all available right here on the dash, and even the off-road controls you have right here, easy, right? Um, it's very compatible, very smooth. It's an any and everywhere kind of vehicle. So, whether it be on toll or let's say you see a precipice you want to go over there, you can with this vehicle. So, yeah, that's a fun fact for this vehicle.
SPEAKER_03Oh, five seconds left, and I love it. Well, that's how you make some fun one in 60 seconds. I'll put this information here, guys, and you can make contact with him about this bad boy right here.
SPEAKER_07Um I think there was like there's not necessarily one defining moment, but there's like a couple because from prep school, right, you kind of realize that you have different interests, right? So you find me in the classroom trading Pokemon cards, like while all the girls are doing everything else and uh in the classroom with the boys, uh playing Pokemon with the boys. Um at one point, like I I I would get into fights quite a bit. So it to me, like I always felt different from the girls. Like I would have my godsisters and stuff and my friends I would hang out with. But yeah, you know, we'd play Barbies and stuff like that, but at the same time, it wasn't necessarily okay, like you're playing with dolls, it's just uh it would play, but I found myself more interested in the Pokemon cards and quote unquote boys stuff and like riding bicycles. I never had a shirt on, I'm always outside with the guys from the neighborhood. Shirtless. Yeah. If I have on a shirt, because my my granny always cussing me, I put on a tank top. So I'm outside with the guys and I just in a tank top, and you know, I just you know, I just felt like more comfortable with them. So I always felt like more of more of one of them where I started to get confused is because I go to all girls' school and everyone around me is going through puberty. Yes. And I realize I'm not. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02The reality is when it comes on to division of matrimonial assets, the easiest way or the most likely way that both parties are going to get what they're entitled to is the liquidation of the asset. Key asset in this circumstance is the matrimonial home or the family home. So once the court has determined that this particular property is the family home, you're going to look at the property rights and sources act to determine how the asset is going to be divided. But before we even get to that point, the court's duty is always to ensure that the best interests of the children are protected. So if you are in an economically imbalanced relationship and minor children are involved, rest assured that the court is always going to protect the best interests of the children. So if somebody wants to back out of their promise to keep the family home for the benefit of the children, rest assured that the court is going to ensure that your children have a roof over their head.
SPEAKER_03So then in those moments, right? Like when you were more interested in the boys' stuff, um, you know, like playing, riding a bicycle, being shirtless, etc. And I know that you were young, but did you in that moment think to yourself, maybe something is wrong with me? Like at that tender age, not when you were able to identify, no.
SPEAKER_06No, I wouldn't, I just knew I was different.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So then growing up in Jamaica, because especially back then, um, it's not like now where we're kind of well, we're not there yet, but we're getting more forward thinking. But uh growing up in Jamaica, like did you feel pressured to to silence or to suppress those feelings rather than to express them?
SPEAKER_07Um yes and no. Because, you know, especially during, you know, back in the early 2000s, you have a lot of you know, like step on Chichiman, all of those songs. So it's Chichiman care, as you say. So it kind of you internalize a lot at the time and you think like what you're feeling and what you're going through is is wrong because you're supposed to be a girl. Right? This is what you're supposed to be, this is how girls are supposed to act, and everything that you know you're supposed to be is not how you feel, and so you feel like it's wrong. And so, you know, you you try to stuff it down and you try to think like how you're supposed to think, but you know, it doesn't really work out that way. You know, I mean it leads to a lot of confusion, a lot of anger, um and it just generalized unhappiness at that time. Um I think the pressure I felt at the time, like as I got later, maybe like towards like fifth form was more about coming out as a lesbian. Because at the time, like I guess I don't want to be like trans is a new thing, because it really isn't. But it's more, I guess, of our our understanding of things has just we have a better understanding now than we may have done. But it's the same thing with medicine, because if you look at medicine in the 80s, 90s, it's nothing compared to what medicine is now. And I'm just talking just generalized Western medicine because that's just how things are. Like we learn, we evolve. Yes, like so we're always learning new things. We don't know everything about the human body, right? So we're always learning new things. Even doctors, that's why it's called the art of science, right? And you know, you're always learning, and you have to evolve and just kind of move with the times. So it's not to be, you know, to say, okay, you're closed-minded or you're open-minded, but you know, that's just kind of just how things are.
SPEAKER_03It's just where the times are right now, how the progression is in this particular moment. Exactly.
SPEAKER_07So like at that time, like thinking, all right, at that point, like I yeah, I'm confused. I don't really know where I fit in in the slot, but I'm getting more of a pressure to come out as a lesbian, but I don't feel like a girl. So I can't say that.
SPEAKER_03But you are a lesbian because you didn't feel like a girl even from back then. Exactly. Right.
SPEAKER_07But I'm attracted to women, but I know technically I'm supposed to be a girl and I'm not supposed to be attracted to women, and so for me, like there's a lot of confusion and there's a lot of I guess pressure, yes, but mainly confusion, because I don't at that point I really don't know who I am, is what it boils down to. Because it's I'm listening to a lot of what people are telling me that I should say that I am, yes, but it's not listening to who I am and what my body's telling me. Yes. And so at that point, I left. And I left Jamaica, and that's when I went away for the rest of high school and I stayed for college, and I took that time to just figure out who I was.
SPEAKER_03Yes. I kind of want to go back to two to two things that you said earlier. I want to go to a um you attending the San Andrew High School for Girls, one of my favorite um girls' schools. Um, and how did you know attending that school shape or challenge your understanding of gender? But you also touched on the puberty thing that when you were going to St. Andrew, um, the other girls were going through puberty, but you weren't. What did you mean by that?
SPEAKER_07Like, because by well, when I started, I was somewhere between like 10 and 11. So we all kind of started, well, like pretty much young from from from like first form. And then you realize like by the time you hit third form, like, I mean, like there there was an age gap between couple, so I knew I was a little younger, but I'm just like everybody getting either their growth spurt, they're losing their baby weight, or you know, they're getting breasts. I am still the same height, I still have all my baby weight on me, and I am flat as ever.
SPEAKER_03So you never grew breasts?
SPEAKER_07I ended up what um what I guess started all of that was I ended up on the female hormones because they're like, alright, we can't really figure out what's going on. So, alright, cool. Female birth control, female hormones, let's treat as if you have polycystic forbidden.
SPEAKER_03Doctors okay.
SPEAKER_07So your parents Because I kept going to mommy and I wonder, like, you know, what's happening? Yeah, something wrong, something wrong.
SPEAKER_03So then y'all went to the doctor. Yeah. And they were also trying to figure out why weren't you going through puberty as uh quote unquote female.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. And then couldn't really figure out why. And then somewhere along the line, pretty much my body does not like estrogen. So it like I just completely blew up in size. Um, like entirely, like I was pretty much at my most unhealthiest. Like nothing that I was doing was getting me to drop the weight. I was just feeling depressed all the time. And it was it was just like a series of things where we could never really figure out what was going on, and I just kind of always felt this way underneath it all, but I didn't really talk to anybody about it. It really wasn't until I started the hormonal treatment that my body kind of started to basically heal itself and regularize.
SPEAKER_03That is crazy. I've never heard anything like that before.
SPEAKER_07So I actually don't get that sound like I've kind of fall into like a weird middle category where I wouldn't even really call it intosex. They don't really kind of even really know where I fall because my body does not like estrogen. It makes its own testosterone. They don't really know from where because I don't have an external set. Um, but I think testosterone's coming from somewhere, but it's not because I don't have an external set, it's not enough testosterone.
SPEAKER_03That's what I want to ask because you weren't moving at the f at the pace, you know, like your schoolmates, classmates, as it relates to development as a woman. Um were you also getting a period at that time? No. You know how I was saying a period either? No.
SPEAKER_07So then so my classmates used to tell me that I was looking all the time. Um mind you, like I absolutely love Andrews and have some really good memories from there. The teachers that I had, amazing. My classmates, really supportive, even like the ones that were all straight. I mean, most of them are like married, have kids now. You know, the I had a I'm lucky enough that I had a really supportive a community, man.
SPEAKER_03That's a community.
SPEAKER_07And but that's one thing that I commend about Andrews is the community. Yeah and even you know, after you graduate, it still continues.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_07And just that it's that community it carries a lot and it means a lot. And so even though, like, you know, at the time I felt kind of pressured to say, um or come out as a lesbian, but it was really because they were in hindsight, it was really because they were trying to find some community to give me is really what how I see it now. Right.
SPEAKER_03I kind of want to go back to the period question. Um because as a young girl, I am assuming that your friends are talking about getting their periods, they're talking about the pain, they're you know, just trying to figure out this woman would know because you're in high school, um, but you've never gotten one, any at all.
SPEAKER_07Maybe like like uh early on when they had started me and it was like light spotting, and I'm like, don't really know what this is, maybe the last couple couple days, but nothing really to talk about.
SPEAKER_03At that point, did your parents now realize that okay, there is absolutely something wrong, and we have to definitely figure this out.
SPEAKER_07Um I wouldn't say that, but also it's a little precarious because I think um my situation is also a little different because my I have two sisters, two younger sisters, the one immediately after me, but mind you, all three of us are premature, but varying degrees. Funny enough, the last one is the most premature, but she got a lot of NICU time and she's early 2000s, so it's a vast um, as I said, medicine has improved. The one immediately after me, it's maybe like a year and a half, two years barely difference between us. And she uh doesn't have the same type of deficiencies, but she also has a growth hormone deficiency. So if you see her, she is shorter than me and she's much skinnier than me, but she's proportionate. So we all have our own different issues going on that they're trying to figure out. So my parents are doing the best that they can given that the two of us have our own different issues that are going on. At that point, they realize that it's kind of too late to do much with me because I'm past puberty at that point and my growth plates are closed. But they can help the one that's younger. Right after. Yeah. And so at that point, and so with me, it's just been a series of kind of trying to figure out what it is. Um, a lot of it was I think my mom just wanted me to be honest with her because she would ask. And I I think a lot of it for me is because again, you don't know who you are, and especially at such a young age, it's difficult for you to find words to feel like to say.
SPEAKER_03Figure out figure out yourself, yeah. So it's going to be kind of you know very weird for you to, you know, like verbalize, yeah, and to say, well, this is what's happening. Exactly.
SPEAKER_07So like a lot of it is like as we'd go shopping and I'd like we'd be in gap, and I'd pick up something from the boy's side. Yeah. And my mom said, Are you ready to admit? And I'd really yeah, she'd be like, Are you ready to admit and say XYZ? And I'd be like, and I just kind of look at her blank and I put it back. And and then, but what should what she does is she goes to like the female side and she finds like the most flannel male looking thing and picks it out and she goes, I'll buy you this.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_07Because I'm not at the point where I can verbalize and admit it to her, and so she wants to support me, but I first need to say how she needs to support me. And so like she would like so she'd she'd buy me loose-fitting clothes and buy me polos, and it was always that compromise because I was not able to say, okay, mommy, I feel like XYZ, I feel like I'm a boy. Or I feel like I'm a man. You know, I'm not able to actually say that to her with without you know feeling shame or any type of way about it. And so because of that, there was always so there was always kind of that having to compromise in what I was wearing. But the minute that I was honest with her, um she pretty much, you know what I mean? Like if she goes shopping, she comes back, she buys me jeans, she buys me shoes. Like she's extremely supportive every step of the way. Like she'll look at me like that shirt not going to look good. Like she'll she's like the amount, like I can't find the words to describe how much my mother supports me.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_07And how much I appreciate it.
SPEAKER_03Two things that, and we're still in your high school era, right? Um, did you in that particular time to kind of limit the questions and all of that? Were you at least attracted to any form of male? Like, were you in search of getting a boyfriend just to say, you know what? Ted, I don't know what talk now, so I'm gonna just try and date a man.
SPEAKER_07That's funny because honestly, at several points, like I guess I would have quote, I guess I would have quote unquote dated to kind of shut people up, but it ended up just being like, all right, we're really good friends. That's bridging. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. So it's like even even one of, I guess you could call it, I guess, an ex-boyfriend is is one of my closest brethren. I um he's married. He might uh I'm cool with his wife. Like when I go abroad, I'll go and visit them and spend time with the two of them. And we've and that's from high school. So, you know, it's one of my closest brethren, but I mean I I attempted, but it never never really worked out.
SPEAKER_03No, didn't really it literally didn't ever like kissed a man during that time, um or like any sexual things with a guy then?
SPEAKER_07Literally, just like his and it would end up laughing.
SPEAKER_03Because you said to yourself, what me I do that this is really that point that you were talking about your mother and how supportive she was, in that period of time, your father know, um, upon realizing that medically something was happening, like there was, you know, there were some challenges, but also with the things that you were interested in, were he also in support then?
SPEAKER_07Uh, I don't necessarily think. Um in terms of interest, it was even much of a problem because, like I said, I as it's a bicycle, he taught me how to ride a bike. I love that. Um horses from day one. He's the one that took me out, right? And my grandfather. So and I've been riding since day one. So it because I think you know that consistent interest, and then horseback riding, it's very a very unisex sport. It is. So, you know, you're all on an equal footing there. So it never really was an issue because he was really supportive with my interest in that. So I think where he found a little bit of difficulty was with more about how I dressed because I would always have my pants sagging. Back then. Yeah, back then. Wow. So I'd always have my pants sagging. He would always say, like, even if you are a boy.
SPEAKER_03You're supposed to have pants. So he essentially was in support, but he just I said, even if you were a boy, my son addressed a way in your talk, which is understandable. Yeah. Pretty much. Um do you think the way how you excelled in school and you know, excelling in sports, um do you think that was your way of trying to outrun and channel your energy into those things than to face your identity head on back then?
SPEAKER_07Failure is not an option. They come from this is uh Hanover and Saint Elizabeth. Failure is not an option. School come first. Indeed. And so even with mommy, um where even though I was always into sports, um school come first. You can ride as much as you want after the exams are over. Um and so for me, I think I mainly channeled it into sports, into the riding, because horses don't judge. And so that's why I prefer to spend time out there because they just see you blank.
SPEAKER_03As a human. Yeah. That's it. They just see you as a human.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. They it's it's no, I mean, animals are not necessarily going to see gender unless they've been conditioned towards us. So like if you realize some like for example, some animals may have a problem with men if men consistently have beaten them or cause them hard. Yeah, cause them hard. Some capacity. But for the most part, they just see a human. Yes. Right. So for me, being around horses was always very cathartic. The same thing just being around animals, because once you come to them genuinely and you know, as you say, you check your energy and you, you know, you're not coming to them in an aggressive manner, then you're gonna have a decent experience, right? Because again, it's not like uh I'm riding young horses at that time, and with older horses, more mature animals. So at that point, you know, they're designed to be used with kids. So for me, I feel safe out there, and so that's why I would want to funnel so much of my energy into riding, and because that was my safe space. I mean, honestly, even after I broke my wrist, like I understood that it was an accident.
SPEAKER_03The horse wasn't actively trying to hurt intentionally trying to hurt you, it was just something that happened.
SPEAKER_07He got scared and the horse got so badly injured we had to actually put him to sleep.
SPEAKER_03Jeez. So Sue, go to that um accident because you also said something earlier on that I kind of want to carry you back. You said you left Anjou's at a point and you went overseas. Yeah. Um, firstly, what was that turning point for you to say I think I want to leave this environment? And also, what did you do overseas?
SPEAKER_07I used riding as my launchpad. So I went and I basically joined a riding team and I left.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_07And so I rode for maybe the first year, and then I realized that I didn't have to be limited to riding, and that I didn't I was basically free to figure out who I was, and I didn't just have to funnel everything into horses. And so I got into basketball more because I played a little bit when I was at Angus, but I didn't really have the time based on how much I was riding with horses. So I got into basketball more. Um, I started playing softball up there. Um, so I started playing a lot of different sports. I ended up um doing like a season with varsity softball for one year. Um and so for me, I allowed myself to be more open-minded to things. Um, I mean, I always used to like to read, and so I got more books, things like that. Um, and I just explored my other interests.
SPEAKER_03I love that for you. I absolutely do. Um what do you think was harder? Was it knowing who you are or knowing that the world might not accept it at that time?
SPEAKER_07Um honestly, I think I to be blunt, I didn't give a shit what the world thought. I only cared what my parents thought, mainly my mother. Um so for me it was mainly coming to terms with who I was and that the people that I actually loved and cared about would understand that I had to do this for me. So that was more of what concerned me. I was a little concerned about how the world would perceive things, yes, but at the end of the day, I was like, I have to do this for me, is either them take it or them leave it because it's not them living with me. Right. And them don't have to, like they don't have to look at me in the mirror. Like if I'm going through immigration, that customs officer is maybe gonna see me once. Right? I mean, I'm not gonna be rude to them. Like if they ask questions that I'm gonna answer, I'm not gonna make it like uh unpleasant experience because at the same time I understand that what I'm going through is new for me. And so if it's new for me and I have my own questions, I can't expect someone else to understand concept and to understand on the first goal.
SPEAKER_03Exactly.
SPEAKER_07Like that's going to be unreasonable.
SPEAKER_03If it's taken me so many years to kind of grasp things, then it can't just come so easy.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, yeah. And I don't expect it, especially for you know people of an older generation where you know things may not where you know it's taboo to talk about certain things. Because yeah, there's a lot of trans people in that generation, but again, it's taboo to talk about certain things. And so it's the knowledge is not necessarily out there. And humans are a species where we always want to understand and learn. And so it's not to say that everybody's gonna judge you, right? But you know, it's human nature to want to understand. Absolutely, and so that's kind of just how I take it. So like if I get to customs and like the last one, she said, you know, she was like, why does the the she's like, okay, I understand the name is your grandma's name, that's fine. But she goes, I don't understand the the M. It doesn't say M. U. M.
SPEAKER_03Oh, so she was basically saying for the gender.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, it's uh she's telling so she's telling me that the gender is wrong on my passport. She goes, no, no, no, you m nothing can tell me otherwise. Um passport say f. Why? Why? Yes, and she was so confused, and I said, and so I explained to her that when I was born, nothing down there, right? So they write F. And then her English not so great.
SPEAKER_08So I'm trying to put it like as nice as possible.
SPEAKER_03Simple as possible.
SPEAKER_07Yep. So I said they put F. When I hit puberty, right? Beard, right? And then she goes, Oh no she understands, and she goes, Oh, and she goes, and she touched the officer beside her, and he's understanding English. He's just like, just go. He's like, go, and he's like mortified now at this point in time. And I'm because she's like, she can't still can't really understand, and so like I look at her and I smile and I go, You want me to drop my pants? And I'm in the middle of the immigration. So the guy behind me behind me hears, and the officer hears, and he's just like, give him the passport. Just leave it.
SPEAKER_03Just make a second.
SPEAKER_08They start to ask many questions. I say, You want me to drop my pants and then and then they just hand back the password and just like have a nice day.
SPEAKER_03Have a present day, sir. Um, I want to to to go to the uh accident that you were describing earlier. Um, because it was an eight-foot fall from a horse. Um, what was that like a wake-up call? Because like what shifted mentally after that moment and what age were you at that particular time?
SPEAKER_07Boy, everything just came like a blur. I can't even remember, but I would have been well into my twenties. Okay.
SPEAKER_03And you were still identifying as a woman then? No.
SPEAKER_07No. Um, I was using jacks and I was identifying as a male from call it 20, late 2014, 2015 with my friends. Okay. But I hadn't really asked like family members to use it at that point.
SPEAKER_03So they were still calling you Rachel.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. Okay. Um, but they I no one's really, I've never really been called Rachel unless I'm in trouble. And even then, not really, it's always been like Ray.
SPEAKER_03Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_07Which is how I got Jackson Ray. Because makes sense. Because they always call me Ray. Right. And because of the the transition, it was just easier for them to a for me to ask them to call me something they've already been calling me.
SPEAKER_03Which is Ray.
SPEAKER_07Which is Ray.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_07So they just call me Ray. And it's it's an easier transition because honestly, it's the same thing. My sister, her name is Catherine. But she but I couldn't say that when I was younger. So I call her by her middle name. But every so every now and again I slip and I call her by her middle name, but I know she prefers to be called Catherine. So I have to try to make a conscious effort to call her by what I know she prefers to be called.
SPEAKER_05Yes.
SPEAKER_07But so it's the same thing for me. I was just like, I understand that, you know, if they slip, it's not because they're trying to be mean, it's because, you know, I was given that name out of love, and that's just what they're used to calling me. Absolutely. Yeah, so like I'm if I introduce myself now, I'll say, yeah, my name is Jackson Ray. You can call me Jax, you can call me the full thing. It doesn't really matter because to be honest, at this point, I understand who I am and I know who I am. And what not somebody but what's in the power in a name. Because you could look look how many Jamaicans you know them by wanting when them time to bury them is something else.
SPEAKER_03It's like weird, so when they didn't name this person, because we know them as exact exactly. Alright, so just to kind of take me back to um transitioning. What year was that? And then what year you started to publicly identify as a male versus a female?
SPEAKER_07Well, it was more that I couldn't hide it anymore once I started the testosterone because I would wear the the like the chest binders from I was from 2014.
SPEAKER_03So that's 12 years ago.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. So I've oh I've been wearing the the binders and everything for like a a a really long time, even before like I fully like came out as asking. So I think maybe from like yeah, 2014 I've been wearing the the binders. 2015. Um for sure I was asking people to call my jacks.
SPEAKER_03And then like your friends and stuff, yeah. Right, yeah.
SPEAKER_07And then when the fall happened, I think it was the January the 2017. No, 2018. Okay. Because it would have been after I started vet school.
SPEAKER_05Okay.
SPEAKER_07It was the January before I was supposed to go back to Trinidad, and my dad asked me to ride a horse for him. And I was a little iffy about it, but I went and I did it anyway. I was sitting on the horse and a dog ran out of nowhere, and the horse just completely reared up. We didn't have our usual groom, and so the guy was a little nervous and what you call he shanked something. So he like yanked the lead rope. And when he yanked the rope, because the horse pretty much, you know, when they go up like this. But the angle that he was at, because it's a big horse. So when he goes up like this, because I'm on his back plus saddle, it's all that weight. So when the guy yanks him, physics. So his back legs completely come underneath and he ends up almost like back flipping over. But I am taught to kind of hold on to the horse, but at that point there's no horse for me to hold on to because he's flipping over. So I'm just looking at air is really the last thing I can remember, and then I go, oh shit, and I just remember hearing like my helmet crack. And like that's the first thing, like my head hit first, and I just remember hearing like a crunching noise, and then everything just went black. I opened my eyes and I see the horse about to fall on me, and all I can think is and I go to like roll, and I realize the dog coming to bite me, and I was like, and I just kind of close my eyes and just yeah, and I just kinda threw myself and just kind of hoped for the best. When I get up, I realize that my wrist burning me. Like everything kind of burning me, but my wrist burning me the most. I was wearing a fitbeat, I took off the fitbeat. I realized that's a bad idea. That my wrist just starts swelling. So at that point, I just I have some vet wrap. So I wrap up my wrist and I stabilise it and I leave like a crack so that it can go and swell a little bit. And I put it in my lap. Uh I had a client with me that I was supposed to show a horse to. So I catch my arm in my lap and I put the client in pickup and I drive the drive over to the farm because we're on the racetrack. And I leave her over on the farm and I said, please, uh I said to the guys, I said, please show her the horses that she's interested in.
SPEAKER_03So even after all of that, you're still being that kind of person. Yeah, yeah. Wow.
SPEAKER_07Because she drove from country.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, your money had taken care of myself first.
SPEAKER_07She was a foreigner and she drove from out of town, so I put so I catch my arm in the lap and I and I say and I put her in the car and I drive down Grange Lane and I drop her. Well, actually, it was fertile. Um, but I came out of the estate and I drop her at the farm and I said to the guys, guys, I fall and I think I need an x-ray. Can you just take care of her, please? And catch the arm and I drive myself into Kingston. I call my parents and I tell them what happened. And I think because at that point I'm driving myself, they don't realize the magnitude of how bad it is. And I reach in and I go. Um I just went straight to the to get the x-ray done. I pull out my health card, thank God for it, and I show them my arm and this point now my arm is visibly curving. And so they're like, oh, I say, yeah. But it's not my first time there because they're used to me at that place for mainly riding injuries at that point. But I've never actually broken anything before. So this is the first time that something actually broke, so they're like, oh. So I get the X-ray done and I drive over to my author and show him the arm, and he goes, everybody just goes, oh. At this point, the arm you you can see that the whole arm is just curving. And so he gave me two options. He said we can try and cast it or the or screws and plate. Because I said, I am in my second year of vet school. You tell me. I said I I I don't know the best option at this point, it's not like I'm a doctor yet. And you tell me what's the better option. He goes, Well, based on how it's broken, it stopped just short of breaking into the wrist joint. So I would suggest that we plate it. So because basically my thumb how it broke, the whole basically the thumb dropped off. So like it took about six months before I could got any feeling back in the hand. So like to push a gate open or button, the panic button, like a buzzle, no sensation in my thumb.
SPEAKER_03So wait, so right now, is it completely back to normal?
SPEAKER_07Not a hundred percent. There's still a bit of nerve damage in it, but it's way more functional than it was a couple years ago. So that was kind of my breaking point where I was like, I I kind of feel broke up and actually be broke up after kind of pick a struggle. So I went with just being physically broken instead of mentally, emotionally. I was like, I'm I'm a pick of struggle. Right? So at that point, I was like, I hero, I'm because I had always been thinking about it, but as like there's always kind of like in the back of my mind, like if I if in and butting, I'm like, well, what if you know mommy not okay with it? What if you know my family not okay with it? Because I'm like, yo, I don't really care about what anybody else says. I'm like, but what if I'm like, what if they're not okay with it? And then I'm like, yo, almost dead.
SPEAKER_03I'm like, yeah, I'm like, almost dead. Yo, low, like life is too short. Yeah. Um, so at that moment you started to take the hormones.
SPEAKER_07Uh yeah, I made I made the appointment and I started on my father's birthday.
SPEAKER_08As uh birthday.
SPEAKER_07That was the only date they had available, and I said, alright, well, here about juxtapeats. I said, happy birthday, daddy, I get a son. And I left it at that.
SPEAKER_08I was the worst of it. I was the worst of it.
SPEAKER_03It's crazy. So the hormones you told your father, um, but you started to do it at home.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, well, I I started in Jamaica. There's a nice, lengthy, quote unquote, lengthy kind of process that you have to go through. So you have to see a psychiatrist first. They have to rule out every mental disorder possible. Really? Yeah, Jamaica's quite good about their mental health. Right. So they want to make sure that you're not being inappropriately or um incorrectly treated, right? And so, you know, once they rule out any schizophrenia, mental illness, anything like that, um, manic bipolar, anything, right? So once they know where you're at, then your psychiatrist will, right? So that's different from a psychologist. So your psychiatrist will then talk to your endocrinologist. And so it just happened to me that the two of them already were familiar with these. Other so they had a decent rapport. Um, and I wasn't I I'm wasn't the first patient that my endocrinologist was treating for this. So I'm one of many, right? So there's a lot of people also I think it's important to note that you know um low testosterone it happens to men, and that's why for me, you know, I probably jump ahead a little bit, but where a lot of people ask, you know, about size. Well, yeah, I think you know, sometimes, you know, for some people, yeah, size matters. But say, for example, you get an accident or like somebody has testicular cancer, the fact that they no longer have their testicle does not make them any less of a man. Right? And so there's a lot of men in Jamaica that suffer from low testosterone or what we call hypogronadism, right? Where a testicle might be smaller than than average or smaller than normal, and so they don't produce enough testosterone, right? So it's a very common thing and it shouldn't be stigmatized because you know it's important, you know, for you to have what's the right way to put it? I don't want to say like normal hormone levels, but for your hormones to be balanced, right? For you as a person, right? Because I look at women suffering from polycystic ovaries, the struggles that they go through, right? The it's the same for for men with low testosterone, you're gonna get depressed, um, you're gonna have mental health issues, right? So, you know, I think it's just as an important, you know, health topic that you know people be open to and not be stigmatized because I don't think, you know, it's like in my case, I'm not here waving a rainbow flag. It's it's more about, you know, everybody has their own health issues that they're going through, right? And it's more about kind of like be kind, you don't know what the other person's going through, type of thing. And you know, if you feel some way about yourself, if you realize, you know, you you're a little feeling different than usual, go, you know, go to your doctor, go get it checked out, you know, because you know, everybody might have their own, I guess, baseline of what's normal for them. You're the only person that's going to know what's going on with you to be able to say, alright, you know, something feels wrong or something feels different. You're the only person that is able to tell what your body is going through. Yes. And you have to live with you.
SPEAKER_03Actual factual. Um, so I kind of want to go through what this process looks like for um hormonal treatment um as it relates to is it pills, is it uh injections? Because you have a full beard, more than enough, man when you know, enough of my friend, then beard can't collect can't connect at all. Um, but also do you have breasts still or you had to remove them?
SPEAKER_07Uh no, more so I'll talk I'll tackle that one first because that one's easier. So that one it was pretty much just excess skin and I had it removed um after the weight loss. Um, so it's I guess there's still you can kind of faintly see the scar like if you're like up close, but because I really haven't tanned that much, so I have a bit of a pharmaceutic, but other than that, there's really not that much. Um I need to do more pec exercises, but because of the wrist, it's a little harder to do the amount of push-ups and push ups and pull-ups and other bosses. Yeah, that I need to do. So like I've taken time with that. But so there's no breast is just chess. Um, in terms of the hormonal treatment, everybody's journey is gonna look different. Okay. Mine is injections only. How many times per year? Um it depends on like when I get it. But so maybe like two, three times for the year depends. Yeah, not that much. But my interval is different because my body makes its own testosterone and it likes and it likes. So if I get my shots too close together, then my testosterone levels spike and stay. Yeah, so like the last time, so we're just kind of figuring it out. Um, I guess what would be quote unquote your your average interval for like a trans person would be I think it's every three months.
SPEAKER_03Okay. Um four times per year.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. Yeah. Um he if I get a shot every three months, my levels are like what they call Superman levels. Where if you talk to me too hard, I'm gonna turn around and go like, like, right. So I can't get them that close together. Yeah, I can't get too close together. Otherwise, I get really testy. But if I wait too, if I wait too long, then I don't I don't get like I don't you're not gonna hear like my voice isn't gonna get get any higher or anything like that. But I just get moody. So that's how they knew that I I guess more I guess I'm more intersex than flat out trans because there's some that as soon as they stop or if they miss a shot. There are problems. Problems period start, they start, everything starts back, you know, issues. How many years now have they been doing this? The hormone treatments since 2018.
SPEAKER_03So so six years. Yeah. Um, is it not something that you'd have to take forever, or there is like a cutoff forever?
SPEAKER_07It's pretty much forever. It's it would be the equivalent of if a guy um lost a testicle and is on testosterone replacement.
SPEAKER_03You would have to do that forever.
SPEAKER_07Um it's just it what it is is you're doing blood work to main sure that your levels are within a normal range. Right? So because for me, so my body makes a certain amount, that's why, so once I'm not like really, really stressed, then my I I can go like five months. And I and I maybe need two shots for the year. If I'm really, really stressed out, then I my body kind of runs through it a bit. But it's the same thing kind of for guys, but because I'm I'm lacking my exogenous source, um, then I well lacking my you know endogenous source, sorry, I have to make up for it. So it's the same thing. So I would have to technically be getting it forever, yeah, but it's not like a consistent thing. So it would be the same thing as if you're going to get um like when you go if you for like a yearly executive. So like I do that and then we check and we make sure that my levels are okay. So like I do that every six months once the levels are fine, right? Yeah, then I just make sure that they're middle.
SPEAKER_03Have you done any surgery um to fully transition um as it relates to your private part? If you don't want to answer that question, you don't have to.
SPEAKER_07Uh no, because I don't think right now the amount of recovery time and everything that's required to do the bottom surgery is not necessarily on my to-do list right now because I don't I don't foresee me going through all of that just for extra couple of inches.
SPEAKER_03For right now. Yes. So you still have the quote unquote female body?
SPEAKER_07I wouldn't say quote unquote female because to be honest, it well, as I say, everybody's is different, and like I'll be open about it because everybody's gonna have the the same question, and if I don't answer, it's just I mean, mind you, it's kind of as I say, oh well, if somebody wants to get personal with you, that's kind of up to them. But I'm like, for me, well, it don't make sense somebody just assume that I have what they want between legs. I mean, I have a couple of inches, but I'm not gonna give you seven inches.
SPEAKER_03So it came from the treatment as well?
SPEAKER_07Yeah, but that's just based on how my body is. Yeah, but we all start off as female. Right. So what is your clitoris develop into the gland? I knew that, right, yes. And so that's actually what it is. So there's so um, as I said, the development as uh as a fetus is interesting, right? So there's different levels to I guess what they call like differentiation, right? So you can have a genetic level, right? Where you're either X X or XY. Right. Right? You can be XY, but so you can be genetically male or genetically something else, okay, but your genes don't work how they're supposed to work, right? Right. And so you need testosterone, but you also need something else called dihydrotestosterone.
SPEAKER_03I've heard of that.
SPEAKER_07So you need both of those things in order to get actual penis elongation. So if your body or the embryo, the fetus is lacking this because the genes are not working, then you're not going to have genitalia development. Right. So it's possible for the brain to be masculinized, right? But at the same time, not enough for proper genitalia development. Right. So when you give the testosterone, there's a certain amount of growth that does occur with it. So you'll get a couple inches, but you're not gonna get like you're not gonna be a seven or eight or nine or ten, no eleven.
SPEAKER_03Um, just quickly, um I want to touch on your family's acceptance of it now. Does it also affect you at work and are you dating?
SPEAKER_07Um well uh I wouldn't necessarily I don't I'm not really sure how to answer that. Which one? The dating one acceptance. Well, the acceptance part because I think it has definitely I think helped because I'm a lot more laid back with myself, knowing that you know, mom is supportive and things like that. And so she's they're very supportive with work.
SPEAKER_03But what's your father?
SPEAKER_07Same for him. He's always bringing home some new animal for me to look at.
SPEAKER_03Nice.
SPEAKER_07So the fact that you know they're supportive in that, yes, it you know, that helps a lot. Um, dating-wise, I don't think I've dated since no, I've I've dated since, but I have not dated since um I think my final year of school. Which was 2020. Why? Like between COVID and and just trying to at that point I was just like, yo, hey, what? I just want to finish school. So I'm just like books, that's it. And then I got back, and then I was honestly having a little hard time assimilating because Trinidad's COVID restrictions were so tight. So I would get out, like I went, I'd go to AC, and the amount of people that would be there.
SPEAKER_03Just kind of mind-boggling, like, wait, what is happening? Yeah.
SPEAKER_07And I'm like, I'm coming from Trinidad where we're lucky if we're allowed three people in a room, yeah, people getting arrested for having six people over. I'm like in a full and COVID still still going on, and I have my ridiculous. I have my grand, my grand aunt was still alive at home. Um, so at that point, I was like, I kind of if you're about it.
SPEAKER_03But now though, Jackson, this is 2026. Well have you not seen any girl that you like? Um, have you been having sex? Like, do you have sex?
SPEAKER_07Uh no, I haven't because I'm not the type of person that likes to sleep around. So like if we're not if I'm not talking to a girl like that, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna just like sleep around like that.
SPEAKER_03Um would you say that though, as one of the the first questions or the first thing to share when you're dating somebody in the future that you know, hey, I've transitioned. Like, is that something that you're willing to share soon?
SPEAKER_07Um, I'm usually pretty open about it, like from the the jump. Um I I mean I've made frequent jokes about it on Twitter where where I'll be like, well, you can just open the draw and pick a size.
SPEAKER_08Pick a size, you're gonna size, you're gonna size. Just pick a size, just pick a size, as a pick.
SPEAKER_03I kind of quickly want you to answer about because when you were talking about the passport thing, are you going to change over those documents from female to male, your passport to identification, etc.? And do you have any identification as a male?
SPEAKER_07I was contemplating it. You should. Um, the sticky part is I'm born in the US.
SPEAKER_05Okay.
SPEAKER_07And all, yeah. So I was actually gonna do it, and then I realized with everything that happened. It's happening within the climate. Yeah, so it's a good thing I didn't do it because I would have waste my money. Right. And so it actually works out in my favor and it's a little easier. So everything is original as it is. If them ask me a question, I just explain. Because at this point, I don't have anything that's a shame.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_07I'm not hiding it like it is what it is.
SPEAKER_03I'm proud of you. And I don't, and I don't like to use the word proud, but I'm just happy that you're at a place of content. You know what I'm saying? Like, I find your story just so inspiring in a way that it can apply to almost every aspect of somebody's life that is watching right now, you know. Um, it's about just sticking true to yourself, it's about also just ensuring that your close people around you are okay first. It's also about just going for what you believe in. So I must commend you on that. And also thank you for sharing. But I have a photo that I want you to um look on the screen for as a final thing for the episode, and I just want to say once again, just thank you for being here today. Never daggone without you. You're familiar with that photo, obviously. Yeah. But when you look on that little girl, um, what would you say to her at your big age, known at 2026, as Jax?
SPEAKER_07I think in this particular photo, I don't even say a little girl. You know, I just I just see me. This is actually one of my favorite baby pictures because I think it is a definition of a personal typic. Because I think somebody was asking for some of my French fries, and I was like, no. And I'm in my favorite colour. Yeah. So it means that I would have insisted on wearing that outfit. And I remember I I like I you know, like when you just kind of faintly remember things from like but I like very faintly remember the outfit. Yeah, it was a train conductor outfit. I think it had a hat that went with it back. Um but it was one that I just felt so comfortable in. Yeah. And you know, I if I had to say anything, I'd be like, you know, probably still the same person. Um I'm happy that you stuck to staying true to who this you know who I was at this age, you know, finding back after I guess probably everything that I've been through, finding back the spark.
SPEAKER_05Yes.
SPEAKER_07So, you know, still a little person that finds joy in wearing, you know, little little things and uh arguing over French fries.
SPEAKER_03Powerful. Um, thank you once again, Jax. Thank you, man. Just just just just thank you. Um, if somebody wants vet services and things like that, or they can reach out to you. Um, do you provide that type of service? Yeah, where can they go?
SPEAKER_07All right, so right now we're doing, I guess, a mix. So we're gonna be doing uh, I guess, clinic hours on Thursdays.
SPEAKER_03Okay, where?
SPEAKER_07It's at 8 Shortwood Road. It's gonna be in the clinics around like the clinic is behind design options. Okay. So it's gonna be Thursdays 4 to 7. So appointments are preferred, but we're gonna take walk-ins and the rest of the week is uh by appointment and house calls.
SPEAKER_03Okay, and I'll post Jox's um links in the description. So, you know, if it is that you guys would love, you know, for somebody that really loves animals to look on your animal, your pets, you guys can do that. But once again, Jox, thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate it always. And remember, guys, um, to just always live your life your way, um, and to always be unapologetically. You this is the season for Boy Eatings podcast. I am back with Tillerson Comeback. It's the end of another season. Thank you guys so much. Thank you to my entire team, thank you to everybody that worked on this project. I appreciate you all so much. I won't take so long to come back again. Mark is super still working, helping you build your dreams from the ground up and block the right way.
