Episode 12 - Rock Bottom Redemption

"She moved to Tennessee to escape her past. The past followed her."

Bri thought a new city meant a new life. But unhealed wounds don't care about zip codes. Watch the full episode of Unrehearsed with the Moores — link in bio.

Social Media links 

@designofmovement

Ashley:  instagram.com/howardashley87

Brandon: instagram.com/designofmovement

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:04

Welcome to On the Host with the Moore.

SPEAKER_05 0:08

Hello everyone. First of all, we are so excited that you are here on video. Not only can you see us, but you get to see our fabulous guests that we are so excited to have. Do you want to introduce yourself?

SPEAKER_00 0:26

Yes, I'm Brie Thompson.

SPEAKER_05 0:31

Brie is one of our very, very good friends, and we are so thankful tonight. She is here, and she is going to share her story, and it is just such an amazing story that we just are so blessed to have her just give people a hope tonight.

SPEAKER_02 0:49

That's right.

SPEAKER_05 0:50

That you know, no matter how far you get, God is still with you. And you know, you want to add some stuff. I feel like you want to be adding some.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

On this show, what's most important is that we highlight people with real stories who have been through real testimony. And that's I I think that's the goal because we all go through stuff. This is not a is you know, we we're all in this race together, so we're just happy to have you. Thank you so much for coming and sharing your sharing your your your journey with us. And you know, so I mean tell me tell me a little bit about your testimony as it comes to the journey that you because you're not originally from Knoxville, right? You're from you're from Michigan, is that right?

SPEAKER_00 1:35

Yeah. Um well I'll start just a little bit before Tennessee, just to paint a little bit of a better picture of my background. Um, I grew up in a divorced household. So um I had experienced uh just the pain as a child, you know, that comes with that, with divorced parents and being in the middle of a lot of toxic fights. Um and both my parents, I mean, they they did the best they could with what they knew.

SPEAKER_04 2:05

Right?

SPEAKER_00 2:06

Yeah in the moment as a child, you may not be able to do that. You don't understand that. You don't, you don't know that, but as you get older, how old were you when your parents divorced? I was five and my brother was three. So pretty young. They just didn't know better. So um kind of so fast forward, right, through all of like middle school, high school years, going through all this. Um, there was like a uh me and my mom had a little bit more of like a harder time as like I got older, um, and we had a little bit more, like way more toxic fights were happening. And so it created this like huge need where I felt like I needed distance, like I needed to get away. Um, it was causing a lot of drama. Um, but at the same token, I did feel like the Lord was leading me to Tennessee um through just being able to come here one time. Like I really felt him speak to me like Tennessee is gonna be the place where you're gonna live. Um and I finally just took that jump where I was like, you know what, I'm ready for something new, I'm ready for something different, I want a different environment. Like I don't want to keep being in this stagnant environment.

SPEAKER_03 3:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Um, so I moved to Tennessee, but by this point, like I thought I was healed, right? I've stepped away, you know what I mean, from the Lord. And um, through different things that I had gone through. Um, not to get into any details, but there has been um like sexual abuse and like that kind of stuff that I had like went through. And so it drove this big separation um where I was trying to figure everything out worldly. Yeah, work through traumas, yeah, you do in a worldly way. And um, so when I was moving from Michigan to Tennessee, um, I had already kind of that pattern, all that stuff happened in Michigan, right?

SPEAKER_05 3:52

So you thought you were getting away from it, right?

SPEAKER_00 3:54

I'm thinking I'm like getting away from it, like I move into Tennessee, like we had already embarked on obviously like areas of sin that we're not supposed to, you know, that like the Bible is like, don't do this. And I had kind of already um, I will say that that the the sexual trauma was what led me though to into sexual immorality because the trauma itself of like the of we'll say sex is it was so huge, I didn't want to deal with it. Like I couldn't even like handle dealing with it and comprehending it. My only way to deal with it was by numbing the emotions and the intimacy that come with sex. Wow.

SPEAKER_05 4:41

Okay. It almost becomes meaningless.

SPEAKER_00 4:43

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's literally what it became, but yeah, it it was almost a conscious decision I ended up making um because I had I had several things happen kind of back to back, which is why it felt so traumatic.

SPEAKER_03 4:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:57

Um, I went through a season where I I was a little suicidal, not that I did anything, but I was literally asking the Lord every night to like take me. Like and where if I felt like I wanted to hurt myself, I would like lay in my bed and I would like ask, I would tell the Lord, I was, I was like, Lord, I was like, don't let me get up. Keep me in this bed, don't let me get up. Because if I because this is so silly, I have allergic, um allergic to peanut butter. And my roommate at the time always had a jar of peanut butter in the cabinet. Yeah, it's so silly, but I I was like, Lord, I was like, don't let me get up. Because if I get up, I'm going into the kitchen and I'm eating a spoonful of peanut butter. Oh my god, and then I'm going back to the second. I was like, that is the easiest way that like I can do this, you know, without being so dramatic about it. Um, but I'm because like, but that's how hard I was battling with like what happened. Um and but I didn't open up to anyone bad worked with who ended up um doing this to me when my roommate had like a a welcome, you know, party for everyone to come over one time. Um and he tried to get ahead of it by going and telling everyone at our work that we just hooked up. Oh my god. Because he wanted to get ahead of me saying something. So then it was going around. I didn't even know that was going around, but it was going around, so then eventually it got back to me and I lost it, blew up, and was like, no, that's not what happened. Here's what actually happened. Like he raped me, and no one believed me because he already told his side of it first. So everyone was everyone was like, Well, why would he willingly like go and tell everyone he did that? You know what I mean? If like that wasn't true. So everyone uh called me the girl who cried wolf and like called me a liar, and even the girls no one at my work was believing me. So it sent me further into like a don't tell anyone. No one's gonna believe you. You know? Literally, like, no, and I even the managers at my work uh were trying to convince me that it didn't happen because it was causing such an uproar with like our job. They were trying to they're they're like you both had alcohol that night. Like, is it possible that you're just not remembering it right? Oh like they were both like trying to oh doing that to me. So I ended up having to leave that job because they refused to fire him and get rid of him. So I left and quit that job. This is where the enemy he does not let you go, you know, when you try to go somewhere else. So I had started dating someone um who lived here, yeah, and that's how I ended up getting here sooner than I planned on because I met him while I was still living in Michigan. Um, and so we had started a long distance relationship and everything. And then when I um it got to a point where it had been, you know, we had it was like six or seven months or something, and so we got to a point where it was like, hey, someone's gotta move, or we just need to break up because we can't keep doing this long distance. So I was like, it's me. I'm the one up those doors.

SPEAKER_04 8:14

I wanted to cut the left.

SPEAKER_00 8:17

Literally, I was I was like, Lord, thank you. Like we're gonna get to Tennessee. Like, this is great. And it was so funny. My my family was my family was like, oh my gosh, you're crazy. Like, you're gonna go move to Tennessee with some guy that you've just met for like six months, and blah blah blah. Oh my god. And I was I was just like, hey, I was like, if it doesn't work out, I'm where I wanted to be. I was I was like, so I'm cool. So literally, I was like, I'm cool with it. If if we break up, like I'm good, because that's where I wanted to be, then I'm one step closer, you know, until and I everything was going fine in our dating relationship while we're long distance because again, we're long distance. Exactly. I didn't know what he was doing.

SPEAKER_02 8:56

I didn't know what he was doing, right?

SPEAKER_00 8:57

When I wasn't here, yeah. Um, and so it wasn't until got here, and again, because um I I I mean, when you're doing all that, you do, I mean you you lose connection with the Lord, you know what I mean? Yeah, you can oh yeah, and that's the thing. It was like I can think in my head, right? That oh the Lord is bringing me to Tennessee. No, like you know, that wasn't him, you know what I mean, in that moment putting me in Tennessee. Um, you know, I got here sooner than I think I was supposed to, you know, for sure, get here. Um, but so I wasn't um really in connection and fellowship and relationship with the Holy Spirit. Um, I was look very lukewarm. Like I would tell people, absolutely, I believe in Jesus, but um wasn't, you know, wasn't in my word, wasn't praying, I wasn't walking with him, I wasn't following his commandments. Like I'm living a worldly life over here. Right. And so when um so I moved in with him when I moved down here, and we had only been, I mean, I had been down here one month and found out that um he had been cheating on me. He's been seeing some other girl the whole time too. He was basically in two relationships at once, um, but he was getting away with it because I lived out of state. I wasn't here. Um so it it but it put us in this position because I was over here like I just moved my whole life and my whole world for you for you and you know, and you're doing this. God told me to. Also, I wanted I I was like, there's no way in heck that my family's gonna be right. You know what I mean? I'm moving forward. We're not taking the oath. Oh yeah. No, no, absolutely not. That was that was one of the first things I thought. I said, Ain't no way my family's gonna work with it. I was like, because they're all they're gonna do is, I told you so. I told you so. I'm not gonna work. See, you didn't last a month, and you're right back to Michigan. And I went, absolutely not, I will not do that. I go, I go, I am going to make this work. Yeah, like we are gonna figure this out. So me and him had like a long conversation, and you know, and it was kind of like, hey, like you need to choose, like, and figure this out, setting some boundaries, but then immediately he started to um, this was all the enemy. Um, he started to dwindle in the idea of well, of the lifestyle of swinging, not just being in a monogamous relationship. I went through a whole phase of like, am I attracted to men or am I attracted to women or am I attracted to both? Like, because it got me so confused because of all the stuff that we did mixed up. You would open those doors sexually. Um, and I I attempted one time to to even go on a date with a girl. We didn't even we didn't end up going on a date. Attempted though, because I was I was like, well, let's see. Like, let me try this and everything. She ended up like canceling and backing down. So I was just kind of like, all right, whatever, like, you know, no problem. But it was that thought that I was like, well, let me see, right? Because like guys have been so horrible, right? Like the dudes have been so horrible. I've had so many traumatic situations with dudes. I was like, you know what? Maybe, maybe I should go be with a girl. It was uh it was a couple, and they had knew about my situation previously, so because they knew about it, she had reached out to me and started flirting with me and all this stuff, and asked me to come over to hang out and like to meet, so we you know, and blah blah blah. And um, by the end of the night, she gave me a whole proposal of asking me to be their girlfriend. Oh, yeah, but into a whole other confusing thing.

SPEAKER_02 12:43

So let me ask you this throughout these these trials, because they were these are absolutely trials of relations. Did you feel God reaching for you during this time at all?

SPEAKER_00 12:55

Not exactly, but because I I was so like so so deep. Yeah, so deep in connection.

SPEAKER_05 13:04

So all of that was just all of that around to the side.

SPEAKER_00 13:09

Like I completely actually like left left. Like the thing is if you would have if you asked me, right? I would have been like, oh no, I love Jesus. I would have absolutely said I love Jesus. Wow. If you asked me, just because of how I was raised. Yeah because I was raised in church and I knew, like, I I knew Jesus, I knew God, you know, I had experienced all that, but it I mean, it was almost like Did you feel any guilt when you were doing any of this?

SPEAKER_05 13:36

No, no shame, no guilt, no no. Not while I was in it. That's the thing.

SPEAKER_02 13:40

That's how that's you were lukewarm, and when you lukewarm, you don't really feel the effects of it because you feel like you can put it on literally.

SPEAKER_00 13:49

It was like uh it was still, I'll say, further like of actually walking away, you know, from the faith and being lukewarm because I wasn't even going to church and I wasn't praying, I was trying to figure out everything in my own head and my own logic of trying to make sense of like what do I want? And I wasn't going to the word and I wasn't going to God. Like I I might have sent up a vague, you know, all right, God, I don't even know like what's going on, and I don't know what I want, you know, like something like that. But it wasn't anything like where I was really seeking him.

SPEAKER_03 14:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:26

Um, and it just led me into more toxic just relationships.

SPEAKER_02 14:31

So what brought you out of is is there is there anything that you can confidently say like this was the breaking point, this was rock bottom, and this is where I started to sort of find myself. Or yeah, started to reach for God. What do you think that is?

SPEAKER_05 14:47

There, so it was this one last relationship before um finally get out of that traumatic season.

SPEAKER_00 14:56

Yeah, like it was the first time where it was like I was very now aware that like, oh my gosh, what am I doing? Of course I want a man, of course I want a husband, of course I want children. Like, why was I thinking that like I wanted, you know, to be with a girl? That's not God's design. It was like the you know, it was like really waking up.

SPEAKER_05 15:16

And then just kind of identify those periods and that sin for what it was.

SPEAKER_00 15:21

Yes. Um it I will say the the thing that held me back at that time from getting true healing and freedom from it though, was I didn't like get sincere help and counseling. You know what I mean with like that much trauma.

SPEAKER_02 15:44

No, we have we we have our own, yes, correct. We're big on therapy on this show, by the way.

SPEAKER_00 15:52

Well, and it was so funny because I had the I'd only been to counseling before when I was younger because of my parents being divorced. And my mom had me and my brother go to counseling for that when we were little, and I don't know what it was, if that maybe scarred me a little bit, you know, and tainted like my view of like therapy and counseling and everything. But it was it was like it's like that idea that like, oh my gosh, if you even have to admit that you need a therapist or a counselor, like you were like you are so broken. It's like a shameful thing to do, you know, that like you start to feel like if you admit that it is. It is so I was like, I was like, no, like I'm good. I'm like, me and the Lord have worked on this, but the Lord, he's he's worked on all this. I'm like, I'm him, I don't need anyone else to talk to. No, um, so it was it was like work was definitely done, yeah, but you know what I mean? It was like not the full work of actually like dealing with the trauma and really closing doors and getting rid of demons. So that was a thing. Yeah. I to an extent the demons did not leave uh completely, like definitely, you know what I mean? A lot of them did, but because I didn't really like get healing and close that stuff up, I think it's in Matthew where you know talks about like you know, when like you know, you get rid of a demon and and you clean house and everything, you know, like and and he wanders and goes to dry places and eventually the demon try, you know, is yeah, I'm I'm tired of this, I can't find any place to rest. I'm gonna come back home. And he brings seven more with him, you know. And that's what I felt like definitely happened.

SPEAKER_04 17:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:35

Um, and I it it's like you don't even realize it's happening, you know. Yeah, well, and it was it just like happened without me knowing like what was going on. Um, and I had, I think it was like, yeah, it was a good five, six months. I'm like going through this um with the Lord. We're at church, and I'm feeling really good. And I got to a point where I was like, I was like, Lord, I was like, I think I'm ready. Like, I think I'm actually ready to like meet the person, you know, who I'm actually supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Because like I I just felt I was like, okay, I feel like I feel like I've done it. Done the healing, like we've done this work. I'm ready. Um, and it it was funny. The Lord's funny about this. I ended up meeting um my partner, you know, who I was uh gonna marry, met him like a week later. And so, so truthfully, I never smiled at anyone, I wouldn't look in anyone's direction. And as I'm walking up to him, the Lord had said to me, He goes, smile at him. And I just went, Okay. I just went, okay. And so I smiled because I was just like, I'm you told me to do something, I'm not thinking twice about it.

SPEAKER_02 18:38

So I was just like, oh, beautiful, obedience, lovely.

SPEAKER_00 18:41

And the thing is, it was such a small thing, and it wasn't until months later, you know, where and he didn't even know this. He's just telling me the story that you know, that like, oh, I only said something to you because I told the Lord, because you smiled at me, and that's what I told the Lord. Wow. And he said that and I went, Stop. And he's he's like, What? I'm like, the only reason I smiled at you was because the Lord told me to. He was like, Yeah, so we had this whole moment, and I and like that was kind of like when we knew we were like, okay, I think we're like meant to be together, you know, we're meant to come together and everything. Um, and so we knew that very early on. Yeah. Um, and the thing is though, um, like we just talked about, those demons, they come back, right? If you don't like deal with everything, um, and I I had told I had told him um my husband a little bit, you know, about my past. I'd given him some details of everything that happened, not completely not everything, not everything, everything. Um, because you're also trying to walk a fine line. Like, how much do I tell? How much do I tell you? Everything. Listen to me, people. Yeah, but you had the shame. I gotta tell everything. Well, because right, so I'm telling you all this right now, right? So me thinking, I go, how do I tell this to someone, you know what I mean, on a date? And then like, right.

SPEAKER_05 20:01

Like a whole wifely material.

SPEAKER_00 20:04

That and for them to still maybe look at me in a pure, clean way and to not judge me for my past. Yeah, like I was so like so so scared of that. So I was like telling bits and pieces, but they would get to a point where I would say something and he would just cut me off and he'd go, Don't tell me anymore. And I'd be like, I I'm trying to be transparent and honest with you, because like I don't want something to sneak up, you know? Yeah. And he'd go, No, no, no, like don't tell me anymore. I can't handle to hear anymore. He's like, I'm gonna throw up if I hear any more of like of this.

SPEAKER_03 20:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:35

So again, the shame and the guilt makes me feel dirty. Like I can't even, so I'm like, oh, okay. So it made me go, oh, I have to bury everything. So I can't actually open up.

SPEAKER_05 20:47

When we said that, did you go, oh, maybe we're still meant to be?

SPEAKER_00 20:50

Yeah, I I still felt I did because I I took on the burden of me, like I'm the problem, you know. Like, and it was like, oh, like the shame and the guilt of like, okay, I just need to like not talk about this, like I just like I can't, you know, say any more. And then I'm going, I've said enough, right? Like, I've given enough context where he knows like my past wasn't clean, that's good enough.

SPEAKER_02 21:11

Did you feel like it almost sounds like that was a repeat of the first relationship in Michigan where the young gentleman sort of put it all on you and sort of cast all of that responsibility on you, and that seems like it's almost playing itself out all over again.

SPEAKER_00 21:29

A little bit, yeah. The like the enemy will use cycles when he knows something works, yeah. Oh, he works. Why change it if it works? He's got a playbook. He's like he's like, run back that play again.

SPEAKER_05 21:45

It worked that time, it worked this time, not only that your weak spot.

SPEAKER_00 21:49

Yeah, but it's like it goes deeper. It's like he knows it worked with your mom, your dad, your grandma, your grandpa. Like he knows it worked with all of them. Yeah, and so he's just gonna you know he's maneuvering situations to like oh you know sure repeat it again and that's a if if you're not aware of it if you don't know the word you don't know the truth and you don't know how to shine light on the darkness and call it out and call it is what it is he'll he'll try to make people think that like oh we're Christians are being over the top when we talk about demons you know and everything like spiritual warfare isn't a real thing oh that's not really happening you know like all that stuff and he'll use that you know is because if you're oblivious to it oh you don't know how then you don't even know you don't know you're fighting it you don't even know how to fight you don't you don't even know you're supposed to be like easy picking you're in a war you're not even aware of exactly you're you're not aware of it's crazy but it was yeah it was just a bunch of cycles you know repeated like one after another relationship um we had got married me and my husband everything um and everything was truthfully going great you know during like our engagement and marriage and it was like um it was later into the year of our first marriage when everything had started when um the fights between us the like where the enemy you know what I mean is like putting in those little wedges to like break us apart both going to church at this point we were so we're both going to church together um we are both going to transformation um he had actually introduced me to transformation church and everything okay so um that's how yes that's how I ended up going there um and I I mean I truthfully did feel the presence of the Holy Spirit you know right from the start of like walking in there and I knew something was different about transformation than like almost any other church that I've ever been to it is because of that. Yeah um and so I knew that this was the place I needed to be and to plant and to grow and that's where it was like but I entered back into lukewarm Christianity because again that's like that's all I knew. Yeah right yeah because I don't you do what you're supposed to do. Yeah you come to church you do join a ministry do the movies show up you smile you yeah you play the part you do things and I will say like as a as a child it was a little bit different right because as a child I will say I was probably more of an actual real Christian um I because I was definitely filled with the Holy Spirit like I'd be praying with my friends in tongues like we were doing oh we were like in middle school you know what I mean like doing all the things I had gotten uh saved and water baptized there um and it was always preached to me purity right right but from a perspective of for kids right because I'm a child right you know and I'm in at everything that like it was always preached oh no like you know you're young you need to wait till marriage blah blah blah blah blah blah blah um but as I got older right now I'm seeing I'm like wait a minute like that's been being preached to to me my whole life but like none of the adults in my life have been living by that wow none of them are being pure and they're calling themselves Christians yeah they're dating so I can still be a Christian and I can still do what I want to do and I can wow wow and like the devil too tries to make it very hard for us.

SPEAKER_05 25:18

Correct tries that is one of the key tactics too it's too hard you get confused you don't understand it so you do it is very easy you don't develop that rhythm you don't get into your word you don't understand it and it it's almost made to be or the perception of it is made to be harder than it is.

SPEAKER_00 25:39

Oh it so is because now I mean everything makes sense now yeah it's it's so funny where I I'll be reading now and I think back to that I'm like how was I confused before I'm like what was I confused on it's like so straightforward but it is it's funny how like he will do that and put a little bit of blinders on still so it was it was still the motions you know we're both going to church and we're both doing all the things um but I hadn't fully closed and dealt with you know all the doors and all of the traumas and then it was just the slow slow typically happens it's a slow trickle and it just builds on until one day you you know what I mean you don't even know what comes over you you know what I mean and then one day something happened and it was like a oh my god what just happened like what what did I just do? I vowed to myself that this was never gonna happen that I was never gonna do something like this. But then that's where the enemy had me the enemy had me stuck because the enemy was like well you're mine now you're stuck because if you uh you can't you can't tell your husband your husband's gonna divorce you've got the shame yeah there's that again back in that there's that and then there's me not wanting to repeat what my parents did I don't want to repeat that. I don't want to get a divorce that that was my driving factor of I don't want to get a divorce so he used it against me you know to be like oh well you know if if if your husband finds out he's gonna divorce you there's the fear of the intimacy it's all the same deal.

SPEAKER_02 27:13

That's incredible.

SPEAKER_00 27:14

Man it's it it's crazy and it it kept me in that cycle um you know for literally like the rest of our marriage um until it so in total um it was two years that this went on and basically me living this like double life yeah you know like out in public even being at church and then me struggling so hard behind closed doors because the thing is I didn't actually want to do any of this. Yeah I truthfully didn't yeah like every time I would cry I would literally grieve cry like talking to the Lord trying to like Lord what is wrong with me help me why am I doing this like I don't want to do this but I and like I I literally felt like something was taking over my body every single time but I still couldn't identify it. Because again the lukewarm Christianity I couldn't identify it was a demon tools you didn't have the whole armor to be able to fight the because I'm not in my word that's right yeah I'm I'm doing all the churchy things you just know you don't like what's going on. Right but I'm not in my word so I couldn't identify what it was so I didn't know how to fight it properly take that shame and do some action I actually talk about it yeah and like and and shine a light on the darkness and I had to actually bring it to the light but because I didn't know that you know and and you're scared you're scared of the the fallout that's gonna happen out the everything it got to such a point where it wasn't even just I'm scared of my husband divorcing me. I'm scared of my reputation like losing my reputation like two weeks later um and that's when he my husband saw some text messages and found out yeah and he woke me up in the middle of the night and you know put my phone in my face and he just goes like is this true? Yeah is this what you know has been happening and I and I and of course anyone wakes you up in the middle of a sleep like that it's not a fork you're a little bit you're like disoriented right you're trying to get your bearings so I'm like sitting there for a minute but also you're also very full aware and panic has set in because you're like oh no like I'm caught everything is and there was that lit like the demon in me that little part of me literally was like say no lie to him right like lie lie to him say say no and then the other part of me was like you can't lie to him he literally read your text messages it's right there the proof is right in front of you you can't actually lie to him you need to be man enough or woman enough yeah to own up to it and just say the truth like how dumb is that if you try to if you try to lie about it and he's gonna go oh really because you know and like and start reading it. I'm like how dumb is that yeah and I'm so grateful you know what I mean for like just like having that realization of like that there was proof put in my face so that I felt the need of like I can't lie about this and I can't run and I need to face it. And I just sat there and I just went yes this is what I did.

SPEAKER_05 30:35

And I know you talked a little bit about how how you love that moment because you were able to actually come clean tell everything. Yeah and the crazy part was you were talking to us about it earlier and you said you were actually able to tell everything that had happened before that you had kind of went through everything that you did and you got it all out on the table.

SPEAKER_00 31:01

Out yeah and it was definitely a process it didn't happen all in that one night you know it took a couple of months to get to that point but that very that what that very first night the second that I sat there and I just said yes I did. This is what's been going on immediately I'm talking immediately I felt like that way is gone I literally felt the demon leave me yeah like flee from my body like literally to the point where it was like in an instant the scales had fallen from my eyes.

SPEAKER_05 31:36

Wow I could see everything for what it was yeah I could see what the toxic you know relationship was for what it was and it was this immediate of oh my gosh all of that was lust all like nothing nothing of that was like a real true relationship you didn't have feelings for this person you were toxically obsessed like it was it was it was legitimately like a full immediate awakening and at the same moment it was a because my eyes were opened it was a what have you done yeah the realization yeah it was oh my god what have you done the devil will trick us to your marriage now it's different than shame though to thinking that that nothing's wrong that oh yeah you can fix it it's fine you know he doesn't get you this person understands you like the lies that the devil will tell us and and and we believe there we are when we do not have the word of God in us when we're not walking it when we're not living it I mean you literally will fall for it all yeah and Satan will take control of your mind you talked about this this feeling of okay what have you done like tell me take me into that like what what was your it's almost like that was that was a rock bottom moment but it was almost the beginning of you walking out of that.

SPEAKER_00 33:11

So what what did that do with you it was it was the beginning of like the turnaround point because I could finally see my sin for what it was and and not just you know because the devil has you confusing it you know with other things but I could now see the truth and see the light in it. And it made me realize the severity of what I had done. Yeah and that there's real consequences you know no no matter it always there's always consequences to our sins and our actions we don't get to run from that. Nope um you know when we go to the Lord and we repent we are forgiven absolutely but we still have to deal and face the consequences of our actions always that is right. So it and it was that realization where it was like oh my gosh what have I done and it the tr it was the true fear of I do not want to lose my marriage like the true fear of like I like and it was so funny and it was also the first time because like me and me and him were having such a difficult time in our marriage yeah because of the scales on my eyes. Yeah and in that moment when the scales had fallen off it was the first time where the truth set in and I went what have I done I love my husband like I'm in love with my husband. Like it was like true like I'm really I'm in love with him and I've hurt him so deeply yeah like oh my god and so I'm like I feel like I'm fighting for my life you know to I'm and I'm like I don't even know what do I even do what do I even say because at the same point I I deserve everything everything that I'm gonna get I I just I deserve it all right I'm I'm like I don't even deserve to like fight for this I don't even deserve to ask him to stay. Forgive me yeah yeah like um and so I mean it was we had a hard conversation I tried to stay as calm as possible that first night when we talked because I didn't want to make him think I was gonna like do like the petty victim cry yeah type of a thing. I was truly trying to own up to like what I had done because at first he got thrown off he's he's like why aren't you crying like you you seem like you're so powerful and put together and I go no I promise you I am I go but the last thing I want you to think is like I'm doing this victim thing and like you know like because I want like you to feel sorry for me. I go yeah I I've done a terrible think we did this because right this is what I've gone through and this is yes so I was purposely like trying to and and so for the next month we had lots of talks you know um lots of different talks both of us opening up about stuff um but I hadn't fully still hadn't divulged every single little detail yet I'm giving a little bit there was still some manipulation um from the other person where he would he was still trying to get me always trying to get back in the picture he was still trying to get me to not share the whole truth because he had a partner he was engaged and so he didn't want anything coming out because he didn't want to lose his partner and his engagement. So he was not just I mean it was threatening me he was threatening to take me to court so like again it was it was it was still trying to keep me from like not telling the truth I was so scared you know to do anything to say anything I felt like everything I was doing was like a wrong move I was still feeling trapped like I couldn't get out of it and but I had spent like I was like down on my knees like for the first time like face to the floor crying like surrendering everything to God and I said Lord like I'm at the end of myself and at the end of my rope I've messed everything up I've done everything wrong all all my ways create death all of them I said I need you to come into this somehow some way and like do something and you need to work in this like I don't know what to do I need your help like I don't even know is is there any possibility of like a revival of life you know like I don't know if there is but like all I know is like I'm done like I've like I've ruined like everything in my own ways and slowly you know he's working on me and working on my heart and I'm in the word and I'm reading and everything and and the Holy Spirit is like convicting me this whole time for like two straight weeks where it was like you haven't told him everything you haven't told him everything. Like you you know like you you need to tell him like you haven't told him everything and I'm sitting there I'm like I'm like Lord I'm like you know I'm talking to him I'm I'm like you know why because of like this whole situation and I'm scared because anytime because anytime I was telling my husband something he was going to that person's fiance and so it was causing like a you know what I mean like a whole thing circular concept and and it was it was like a legitimate like whole threat court situation and so I was getting like so overwhelmed and oh I was I I was all over again like kill me just take me I can't do this like I'm done just please just take me in my sleep like I I just I can't be here anymore. There's no way we can fix this and everything and of course I'd wake up the next morning and I'm like okay so I see that wasn't your plan you know yeah like like like being like joking about it and everything. But then so these two weeks right I'm like in my word and I can't eat because he's got like he's convicting me so hard that I haven't told the truth. Yes and it's eating me up so much that I can't eat. I can't I can't get anything down I can't get solid food down. I could barely get a protein shake down you know and I'm feeling nauseous and like nothing is sitting right but I thought the enemy to make you think that you're the only one.

SPEAKER_05 39:16

You're the only one this broken you're the only one out here doing this. You're the only one dumb enough to cheat on your partner. You're the only one you know literally it is such a trick of the enemy that always that we're the only one.

SPEAKER_02 39:28

Here's what's crazy about that because you made the comment that you all of a sudden couldn't you couldn't eat you the the anxiety was crippling but that's in stark contrast the Holy Spirit's conviction actually had you able to feel your absolution feel your remorse in those previous instances you couldn't feel anything because you were numb and under the control of the evil spirit so that's like it's interesting it's kind of like a completely different process than what you'd seen before.

SPEAKER_00 39:58

Absolutely yeah it was yeah it was like the first time you know where I'm like I really I felt like truly I am like for the first time I am learning the the real truth like you know the real the word like how to walk with the Lord you know how to do everything the right way not thinking like what was I taught you know from like when I was younger but truly for the first time opening up the word and going Lord you teach me yeah I want to do things your way because my way leads to death so I'm done I said I want your ways I want to follow you I said I want to follow every commandment in your word every single one because I want life I don't want death and so I would I ask him you teach me your ways and I would stop comparing two things I heard or thought you know from other people and just focusing on what does the Lord tell me I need to do you know to fix this and not look at other people. And so finally it gets to like after you know these two weeks and everything and um I'd been watching all these other videos too of all these other couples and the same thing with um with the affair um recovery thing that I found where they're teaching the same things you have to tell the full truth. Yep that was the first thing it was don't and they even said they go don't trickle the truth in get it all out. Yeah they they were like the quicker and the sooner that you can get it out the better. If you drag it out over longer periods of time it's gonna be worse. It's like you're just slowly inching off a band-aid like it's gonna hurt no matter what so like rip the whole bandit off at once get it all out at once so your partner can deal with the emotions one time and not like they've got to keep dealing with it every single time you're opening it up. Yep and so of course I'm hearing them say that and the Holy Spirit's already been convicting me and I was like but like you know I was I was I was thinking you knew what was gonna happen.

SPEAKER_05 41:59

Right in the back of your head.

SPEAKER_00 42:01

Right and that was kind of your fear of if I if I tell all of this divorce yeah it was it was like a he's he's gonna divorce me but also because it was like divorce to me equaled death um so we were going to marriage counseling um towards the end of our marriage because of how bad you know things had gotten um and even going to marriage counseling you know I still not telling everything everything um but so even during that though my marriage counselor was the one who started to point out that I had not even healed for my parents divorce yet. Wow and at first at first she was like tippy toeing to it you know she would like like you know I'd be telling her I'm like so this is what just happened right you know I'm like telling her a story and that I'm like so last night I'm like see this what I'm talking about he did blah blah blah blah you know and I'm back going back and forth telling her the story and she'd just sit there and she'd go hmm she goes that's interesting she goes Bree why don't you tell me about how your relationship was with you and your dad when you were younger and I'm going like this is so I'm like where is this coming from what does it have to do with everything else nothing to do with anything and I I would just I would just bypass every time I'm like I go oh I go you know it wasn't the greatest but like we have a great relationship now like it's all good you know we've worked through things and she's like I get that but like let's let's back it up and like I couldn't understand what she was doing and one day during one of our fights like we were telling her verbatim like what happened with our fights and she had to spell it out for me and she was like Bree she's like literally when I hear you tell me like how you were like begging and pleading for your husband's help and he wasn't helping and he's not listening and you're like begging over and over she goes I hear a Like five-year-old little girl crying out for her dad, you know, and her mom, and no one's listening to you. Like, you know, like no one's like no one's hearing you, no one's listening, like you're just begging for someone to hear you and to understand you, you know, to like get what you're expressing. And like, I didn't even say anything back. Like, she says this. I start crying, like, you know, in like the counseling session and everything. Like, I couldn't even stop it. I was like trying not to, you know, you're trying not to. Yeah. It water works were just coming down, and like she's handing me tissue and everything, and she's like, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry, you know. And I'm because I'm sitting here going here, like, I didn't even know that was in me, you know. Like, I didn't even know I was dealing with that pain. But it was in that moment that as soon as like I had that realization, I sat there, and I didn't say this out loud, but I thought this in my head, and I was like, Wow, if I haven't even healed from my parents' divorce, what was that? Five years old. I was like, that was the first thing. I was like, if I'm not even healed from that, and that was the one thing I was convinced and sure of that I'm healed from. Like, out of anything, I'm healed from that. Yeah. But if she's showing me how I'm actually not, because I'm repeating it, and I was. Oh, I was repeating cycles and patterns and fights. I was repeating. I was repeating the anger outbursts that my dad would have and everything, and I couldn't understand why I was doing it, and she had to show me this is why you're doing it, and everything. And it was crazy, and not for the reasons I thought it was. She's she's like, She's like, Oh, she she goes, You're yelling and screaming at your husband because your dad did that to you when you were little, and that was the only thing that got your attention because he would absolutely like belligerently like lose it, you know, and like scream and yell at you. And that was the one thing that made you like straighten up and snap and listen, and you don't even realize it. So, but your your brain is wired that way. So your brain is wired, so you think that if you yell and just snap on your husband, he's gonna straighten up and finally listen to you.

SPEAKER_01 46:09

And I was like, Read your book.

SPEAKER_00 46:14

I'm like, okay. So I was like, dang, I was like, we got a lot of work to do. Um we have a lot, a lot of work to do. And that's I was like, wow, I'm broken. I'm a I'm more of a mess than I thought I was. This is crazy. But that's what made me go. Cause like, no, not a lot of people knew about all the other traumas and stuff I had dealt with. So my thought was if I haven't even actually healed from my parents' divorce, that means I haven't healed from this, I haven't healed from that, from this. It was like a never-ending list. And I'm like, am I ever gonna get healed? I was like, this is gonna take the rest of my life to heal, you know, from this stuff. Um, and so, and so when all this stuff was coming out with our marriage, now we're fully telling our counselor, like every little thing. And the funniest part was like, my count, she was not surprised in the least bit. And she was a Christian, she's a Christian counselor, but she was not surprised in the least bit. And here I'm thinking, right, like we're gonna go in and like, right? I'm telling them what just happened. She isn't yeah, but I'm thinking we're gonna go in, and I'm just gonna get it, right? She's gonna come at me, right? She's basically gonna like beat me with a Bible, is what I'm thinking. Like, she's gonna harshly come at me. Yeah, none of that happened at all. We sat there, wow, and she she smiled at us when we told her what we were going through, and we're broken. She smiled at us and she goes, This is really good, guys. And we're like, What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_02 47:43

What do you mean this is good?

SPEAKER_00 47:45

We're like, there's nothing good about this at all. She goes, No, this is good because you're finally telling the truth. We're finally getting to the root. She goes, We can work with this.

SPEAKER_03 47:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:57

She goes, before you guys weren't willing to actually open up and tell the truth. We can't work with stuff that's in the dark, but you're bringing it to the light. She's like, So we can actually work on it now. And I was like, huh. Yeah. Wow. Because I was expecting, like, you know, shame, guilt. She was gonna like condemn me, all this stuff. Nothing. She she literally spoke encouragement, love, like all the things. Um, you know, same thing to my husband, you know. She like, and it was just like a wow, maybe it's not as scary as I thought it was gonna be, you know, as as the enemy made me think it was gonna be. You know, and so, and that was my journey of like slowly opening up. So obviously, my husband was the very first person that I told everything, everything to because I knew he had to be the first person, I had to be completely truthful with him as my partner, tell him everything, and that's when the Holy Spirit had put on me. Um, I think we talked about this a little bit before too, because I was still so afraid to like fully say it all. And where I was having that wrestle, and I was like, But Lord, like I've told you everything, like you you've forgiven me, you know. Like, like, is it isn't that a good enough? And he just straight up was like, Yes, you've told me, and I have forgiven you, but if you want healing, true healing, like you keep talking about, you need to go tell the truth to your husband. And I was like, Okay, and I at this point, I still don't know that that's literally what the Bible says, because I'm just getting into my word. So I still I didn't actually know that that was like in the word, right? Literally, like you go to the Lord for forgiveness, but you do, you go to the people that you've hurt for healing, like to actually heal those wounds and everything. So go to him, tell him everything, and then that's and so that was the first, like I call it crucifixion of like crucifying myself on my cross, but it was the first night I was able to sleep and like rest easy. Wow, I wasn't feeling nauseous anymore, wasn't feeling like I couldn't eat. I like the very next day, I could actually eat solid food and hold it down. Wow, like it was I and so that that it was that moment where I was like, okay, Lord, I was I was I was like, there's something real to this. Like you really meant it, like you really meant what you said. If I want healing, I have to go and tell the truth. And then I'm thinking, Great, I did it. I told the truth, I told him, right? And he's literally, he he's like, Great, now I want you to go do it again. But this time you're gonna go and you're gonna tell every other person that you've hurt along the way in this process because he's not the only one you've hurt. There is so many other people who have been damaged from this. Um, they were invested, you know, into you guys, friends, families, and you you need to go have a talk with them. And you need to go do the same thing and go tell them everything, tell them the truth, crucify yourself. Um, and he he assured me, he he said, No, I'm with you. Yeah, I'm with you through all these conversations. I'm not leaving you. Like I'm, you know, I'm by your side. So the very n and and he, you know, it was very specific of the list he gave me. I had to go to my parents, I had to go to his parents.

SPEAKER_01 51:19

Goodness.

SPEAKER_00 51:20

Tell you.

SPEAKER_01 51:21

Goodness, goodness, goodness.

SPEAKER_00 51:23

That that is a very that is a very hard conversation. Yeah. Um telling your parents is hard, yeah, but you know in the back of your head, like you're the child of me. Yeah, they're gonna love you no matter what, no matter what they say in the moment, that they're gonna love you no matter what. His parents, they they're not gonna love me no matter what. They don't have to love me no matter what. That was the that was the scariest conversation was having a talk with his parents. Um, but there so I did it in an order. Um, I ended up actually going to one of my friends at the time first. Um, she also goes to Transformation Church with me. And at the time we were we were like good friends and good acquaintances, but we never like not like deep best friend level, but she was the closest friend I had. And that was the thing during that whole season. I was so lonely. I didn't have any girlfriends. Wow, there was no girlfriends I had that I hung out with um in any capacity. I was acquaintances with people, like I knew a bunch of people, never did any, didn't didn't do, wasn't doing life with anyone. Yeah, you know, because I was everything was you know just just me and my husband, um, and that's it. And so I I ended up reaching out to her because she was the only person I could think of that I felt safe enough. Where I was I was like something about her, I was like, because of all of our conversations me and her have had, I feel safe enough with her that if I go to her, I think she'll love me.

SPEAKER_04 52:50

I don't think she's gonna you know, like reject me.

SPEAKER_00 52:54

And I I needed someone that I felt safe enough with who wasn't gonna like just wreak havoc on me for it. And so I like called her and said, Hey, like, I need to talk to you, like um, I need to tell you something that's been going on. Like, can I come over? You know, can we talk? Yeah, and so I we sat there for like two hours, like I'm telling her everything, and like she's crying for me, but like it was in the most loving way, like like sh like godly friendships, like you know what I mean? They mean everything like in these seasons, like and she and she knows this, like I've told her, like, she is someone who like really truly like she held me together from the beginning and like restored my soul because when we and her had this talk, the way she looked at me, I truly felt like she looked at me how Jesus would have looked at me like in that moment, like she looked at me with such love, like where she like such, and she like the only thing she said, she goes, I'm so sorry that like you were going through that all on your own and you didn't feel like you could come to me. Yeah, she's like, I'm so sorry you didn't feel like you could just like come to me or go to anyone that you were dealing with that by yourself. Like, I can't imagine how lonely that must have been. Like, there was no like condemnation, and it was just like uh again, it was a wow. So, like people will still love me. Yeah, like people aren't gonna like exile me. And the cool thing is she actually opened up and told me like a little bit later on that because I was brave enough to open up to her, she was brave enough to then to go to her husband and to open up about some things that her and her husband had not just fully talked about of that. Is actually starting other healing, isn't that so yeah, and I that that's the last thing I expected. But she said that me having enough courage encouraged her to go, you know what? There's some things that like you know, I need to like open up with and like and just get out, you know, with my spouse so that we can have a and like they grew such an even deeper, you know, relationship and intimacy, you know, because of all that. But it was so touching when she told me that it was the first time where I was like, wow, so like God could actually use my story to like help other people get healing. Like, I it was just like this, like, okay, like I didn't see that one coming, but like that's cool. Um, and then like the second person I went to was my mom, and then um then I had went to my dad. That was a hard con that was like yeah, one of the hardest conversations to have to go to my dad.

SPEAKER_05 55:31

You don't want your dad to see you like that.

SPEAKER_00 55:33

No, yeah, um, but my it was so healing for me and my dad. Uh, not only for that, it healed parts of my childhood that like we needed to have conversations on because I had all these conversations with my marriage counselor. So me and him were on um, because they live in Michigan. So me and him were on FaceTime for two hours on my iPad. And we talked about everything. Like he went into a separate room so that like me and him could like have a moment alone. Um, and so I just started telling him like everything that had happened and what was going on, and and he just started weeping and crying for me the same way that my friend did. It same thing where he just went, I'm so sorry you didn't feel like you could tell me what was going on. Yeah, he's like, I'm just so sorry that like you were living in that bondage and you just you felt like you couldn't trust anyone to like come to to get help with that and everything. Um, and then we were able to have this beautiful conversation about growing up, where I was able to open up and say, you know, during our childhood, like this is actually like how I felt with like what was happening and what was going on. And I, you know, I was like my marriage counselor was actually the one who made me aware that I hadn't healed, you know, from the divorce because of this, this, and this. And and then it gave him an opportunity, you know, to open up and share where he said, I had no idea that you even felt that way or thought that. I didn't know that that's how that affected you and your brother. Yeah. Oh, we're weeping and we're crying together, you know, and all the things. It but it restored like so much where we got off the phone and I just went, All right, Lord, again, I didn't see that one coming. I didn't see you using this to heal a different part of our relationship, you know, to bridge a gap and bring us closer together, you know, where we can talk about like deeper things, you know, now and it I don't have to be so tippy-toed to like talk about those things with him. Then I went to his parents, had a conversation with my husband's parents. Um that was by far one of the hardest things. Um, however, um, and this was by the grace of God, I truly believe, because I was praying so hard, like all the way up to it. And I just and like I oh, and I had other people praying. I'm not I literally like I was texting friends and I said, Hey, I'm literally about to go have a talk with his parents. Can you please pray that like the Lord would soften their hearts and like give them like like put some kind of like grace, you know what I mean, that they'd be willing to just like hear me and like that we can have some sort of like conversation and that maybe some sort of healing could start to take place, you know. I had 10 people praying while I was praying, you know what I mean? Like I was I was like, I need like this is serious, um, and I get there and it truly was like we actually had a really good healthy healing conversation. It was hard, we were all crying, yeah. They expressed their sincere, deep hurt, yeah, absolutely by it. Um, but they were able to truly see like my hurt from it, and I expressed them. I told them I said this is the same thing I told my husband, and I'm gonna tell you guys like it's a double-edged sword. As much as I've hurt you guys, I've hurt myself in the same capacity. Yeah, you know, I was always like I feel it all.

SPEAKER_02 59:01

Whoa, we we we almost got to press pause because that was that was a word. As much as I have hurt you is what I have done to myself in my own trauma. Goodness gracious.

SPEAKER_00 59:15

Yeah, I like I have this visual, you know, of literally like a long double-edged sword, and it's like as I'm stabbing this other person, the other end is going just as deep into me.

SPEAKER_03 59:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 59:29

Like that's the visual that I because it's literally that's the pain I was feeling. I felt everything I've done.

SPEAKER_05 59:36

You feel your thing, every yeah, your thing, everything.

SPEAKER_00 59:38

Onto everyone, everything, everything. And there's not enough words. No, there's not an and I there's not enough words to express how sorry I am for anything and the regret. And so, I mean, we're we're all crying. Um, but I had told, you know, all of them. Um, I I told a lot of people this. I said, you know, I said, I'm so serious. I have surrendering everything to the Lord. Um, I'm doing this God's way. I'm praying for restoration of our marriage, you know, if that's possible, if that can happen. Um, I'm doing this the Lord's way. Um, and in all of his commandments, um, I'm walking in purity. You won't see me doing any of that, you know, anymore again. Um, and I told so many people on purpose to keep me accountable. Accountable. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:31

Come on. Yeah, that's it.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:32

Not a secret, because the Lord the Lord literally said, does no good if you make a secret vow. No. If if it's a real You can't stand by a secret vow, no one knows that. You've got to go tell other people, yeah, right, that you're not gonna go do that, that you are actually saving yourself, you know, like how you're supposed to for your spouse. Um, and so I t I told his parents that I said that's I'm telling you, that's how serious I am. You can hold me accountable. I said, I know this is gonna take a lot of work, like this isn't gonna be easy, you know. This there's there's a lot more work and healing that has to take place. Um, and so it was um it was the beginning. Um, we haven't had any talks since then, you know. It was just that one talk. Um, there's still a lot of pain and everything. Um, but then it was one by one. I just continued to go down the line.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:31

You went on a tour. I sure did.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:35

I mean, because now, you know what I mean? It was like once you just start crucifying yourself, it gets a little easier every single time. It's not so bad, it's not so scary. Yeah, um, you build deeper relationships, you know, where um all of a sudden I didn't have just acquaintances anymore. I now have like deep, solid sisters in Christ. And that was the most that was probably one of the most beautiful things the Lord has brought out of this is my community. And like I didn't and that was something I've always prayed for, but like didn't know that he was gonna answer in this capacity. I've got the strongest community of sisters in Christ, like literally isn't it funny how it always comes out of your pain? Mm-hmm. It's crazy.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:20

This has been probably in and my husband knows, this has been one of the roughest seasons of our life. And I came into transformation, you know, and I'm like, I'm just here with my husband, and I'm just gonna praise the Lord. Yeah, and and he he knows, you know, I had a lot of church hurt coming from where I came from, and so I I was kind of very standoffish. I would smile, I would hug. And you know, Brandon. Oh, I remember everybody love every everybody loves Brandon, so you know, they're all running up to him, but I'm still like, you know, I'm doing my little church wave. He is always like high five and everyone saying, you know, but I'm like slowly creeping towards the door, and I'm like, come on, come on. You know, but it is so funny how it has actually this this season of my life has like literally thrown me into deeper relationships with people because you realize how much you need to share, and then you realize you're not the only one. Not the only one roots you and just makes it those deeper connections to where then you go, oh, I have found my people. I've been looking for y'all literally.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:32

But it is crazy, it does, it comes out of that season of like you need it, it's dire. Like we're we're you're like, okay, like especially when I'm like I'm I'm pretty much I'm doing life on my own now because we're separating, you know, and we're getting a divorce. And um, and I mean, of course, you know, the Lord's with me, and I'm on my knees crying like 24-7, but I need a community and I needed friends. And but I needed people to understand what was going on and why I needed them. So it was like uh I have to open up and tell people what was going on. Um, but I was um, I was I was like, I was like, no, I've been crucifying myself. I'm gonna be truthful, I'm gonna tell everyone the full truth because I'm not gonna, you know, twist the story or try to get a pity, yeah, you know, friendship. Like, no, I'm gonna tell people what's really going on, where it's like, no, I need real help. I need like real community. I need people praying for me. I need people like helping me walk this out. Like, how do I do this the right way? And like learning in the word and everything. So, like that, that whole season, and this is something I learned, like when you're going through like a deep trauma like that, where it's so traumatic, where your flesh wants to put walls up.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:46

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:47

Your flesh wants to guard your heart, it wants to nope, we don't want to deal with this. Yes, like we nope, we don't want to deal with this pain. We just want to numb it, we want to distract it, all the things. That's what your flesh wants to do. And because literally, by the grace of God, because he had already brought me to this like rock bottom full surrender, I knew right away that that wasn't the answer and that that wasn't gonna help me. You've already seen because I've already done that. There you go. Yeah, because I did, I absolutely did that in the past, and I could see it now for what it was. And I went, oh, I I did that before. And this is where it brought me.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:25

Well, you're gonna eat the peanut butter. I was like, that's like this is this is where it brought me.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:31

More, you know, trying to numb and distract and not actually truly like deal with it. Um, and I I couldn't even rest if I wanted to. Like, yeah, that I mean, there there was nothing that you could have distracted me with to take my mind off of reality, you know, because it was so harsh. So the only thing you can do in that moment is literally sit in the Lord or sit with the Lord in silence. Like I would get home from work and just nothing's on, right? Nothing. It's completely silent. In the house, and I would just go into the bedroom. I'd sit on the bed, have my Bible open, and I would just sit there and just start talking to him. I'd start crying. I'm going back and forth. I would start reading. I read one thing and I'm losing it all over again because of my emotions, and I'm crying and I'm wailing and I'm going back and forth. And there'd be periods like I I couldn't even open up the Bible because I'm like in so much deep pain and I'm just like crying to him. And I said, Lord, I don't know what to do. And he's like, open up the word. And I'm like, you know, and I'm like, and he keeps telling me he's he's he's like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, but I can't. He goes, open up the word, you can do it. Start reading, right? Yeah. And I'm like, okay. You know, and like opening it up and doing all that. But I mean, we're talking this was day in, day out for three months during this whole process. There was no numbing, there was no, there's no watching TV shows, like, you know, there's no listening to music. Literally, like not a single detection. There's no talking, you know, to other people, you know, and trying to fill that void. No, I was only filling it with Jesus. That was the only thing that was gonna help, and just kept running to him. So if like if if praise and worship it was just praise and worship music on, and like me in my word reading to him, or reading, you know, in the word, talking to him, and I'm talking everything out. I'm getting as honest as honest I can get in these prayers, you know, and like all my feelings, and he's working through me. And by the time I got to like where our divorce was being finalized, um I uh I had enough of a breakthrough moment just to like where I could see a glimpse of like the healing work, you know what I mean, that we have done where I was kind of like wow, I was like, look at me now from where I just was three months ago. Yeah, you know, this is I was like like real healing where I was like, this is crazy. Like for the first time in like months, driving to work and like I'm listening to K-Love and everything, and you know how like a lot of times in the morning they'll talk about like so much silly stuff. Yes, and so when you're going through something hard and they're talking about like really, really silly stuff, you get annoyed. You're over here, like seriously, like there's people over here dealing with real problems, and like y'all are just like talking about like some random joke, you know, and cracking up about this, and yeah, oh, we're we're just talking about blah blah blah blah and how great the day is, you know. And I'm getting like so annoyed, right? Listen to this going on out here, I'm like, but people are dealing with real stuff, and it was like, and you have the audacity to like joke about something, you know, and like and talk about something lighthearted. It was so funny, and then but there was a break point. There was one day, because like every day in the car, it was the same thing. Like anytime I was alone, I'm crying, like wailing everything out. And this one morning, I wasn't crying at all on the way to work, you know. It was just kind of like it was just quiet, like my soul was just kind of resting, but I'm not paying attention to it. I'm just like, okay, we're driving to work, we're going through the motions. We cried so much last night, and I'm listening to like something they're talking about on K Love, and they they just like tell a joke. It's like so something small, and I laughed. And I said, and I as soon as I laughed, I went, Oh, oh, I went, board.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:25

You're healing. I laughed.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:28

I was like, I was like, oh my god, because I never thought I was gonna laugh again. I never thought I was gonna smile again. I was I was like, there's no way joy is ever gonna come back into my life, yeah, you know, with this, but I did. I was like, wow, this is cool. Like, we're wow, okay. I was like, we're we're we're doing some healing. I was I was like, I was like, even though we're like we're getting divorced, yeah, I left. Wow, yeah. Like, that's amazing. And that was just like it was just like an continuous journey from there of more community, doing more things with my friends, digging into like my purpose, you know, with the Lord. Um, and really getting so serious, you know, with being in his word, studying it, being a real disciple, learning, okay, what is a true disciple? You know, what are your commandments following them? Your commandments aren't for just little kids and people under 18.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:20

Yeah, come on, preach.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:22

Your commandments are for everyone, every human being in every single season.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:26

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:26

And so there's been so much he's been teaching me, and I've been learning through that, which has been amazing. And now, and of course, there, right, there's ups and downs. Like it's not just this perfect, like linear line, but what I've learned is like in the general direction, right? It's linear, but if you zoom in on it, it looks like this where there's ups and downs. Yeah, but it's going up. But it goes up, exactly. That's real. There's a progressive and it's going up. It's killing the journey.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:53

It's not an automatic button. Yes, it is a journey. It is a continuous journey, and you have to continually work towards it and continually be honest with yourself. There's layered. Yeah, they're layers.