Episode 13 - "Rock Couple" Charity and Steve Marsh

They built their life from scratch — both left their homes with nothing — but found that material things gave way to valuing each other and God. They prayed together every week, even praying for their difficult exes, recognizing God had lessons in those hard moments. Blending four kids required letting go of "your kids" vs. "my kids" and calling them "our family." A stranger at church once laid a hand on Steve during worship and said "You're a good father, and the Lord knows it" — a moment that broke through years of guilt and shame.

Social Media links 

@designofmovement

Ashley:  instagram.com/howardashley87

Brandon: instagram.com/designofmovement

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:25

Welcome to Underhearts with the Moor.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

Welcome back tonight to our second video.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

What is up?

SPEAKER_02 0:35

We are excited tonight. We're very excited tonight. We have two of our favorite people, Charity and Steve Marsh, with us this evening. And, you know, we're gonna get into some things that I think a lot of us deal with. Just life be life. And so we've experienced some of the same things in sharing our stories. You know, I always say the devil always wants us to feel like we're the only ones. And the more and more that we got to share our story with Steve and Charity, we began to see that, you know, our stories were very similar. And so we wanted them to share a little bit about what they've gone through, um, just to just to give you all hope. Um, I know we talk about our story a lot, but this is a couple's another couple's um story that will hopefully give you um some healing and some hope.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

And here's the thing, right? Like we have couples that join us that are in the storm, but then we have to show the other side of the storm, couples that are making it out of that and really shining on the other side because you know, even though you know there will always be trouble, as Jesus says, Yeah, you know, we have to look at the harvest as opposed to the sowing season. So we're we're so glad to have the marshes here. Yes, up, y'all.

SPEAKER_06 1:56

Yeah, thanks for watching. Hello.

SPEAKER_00 1:59

It's good to be. So I want to start really. Um, I mean, we've known you guys for a couple years now. I mean, and you guys, I think for our entire time knowing each other, y'all have been what I would call a rock couple. Like your marriage is shining and all of the things. Look at Steve, he's like, I don't know. Tell me a little bit about a little bit about each of your stories, but then the weaving together and and and sort of take us through that journey.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

Can I begin?

SPEAKER_05 2:34

Sure. So Steve and I have known each other for a number of years. We we our kids are all the same age, so 30 to like 28 years old. And Steve coached my voice in hockey. So we've known each other since our boys played hockey three and four years old. So that long we've known each other, right? And so um just I mean, as far as us, we just were great friends that worked on committees together with hockey and soccer and baseball. I mean, it seemed like every sport we kept running into each other, that kind of thing. So just really good friends for a lot of years. But um it it seems funny when we look back now. Every time there'd be a hockey party or something like that, we would end up in a room somewhere laughing at each other and just like you just have a great sense of humor, right? And he always had this wittiness about that to me. I mean, I don't know if I don't think it was that I found it attractive, but I was attracted to it. Yeah, that makes sense, yes. So yeah, I mean that's where our friendship started. It was just working like that. But um I don't know how to like get to so you guys you guys are a blended family, right?

SPEAKER_00 3:42

Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. So you all y'all both had previous relationships. Did you guys go through a divorce?

SPEAKER_05 3:49

Yeah, an ugly, ugly, long, hard, ugly divorce. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

Yeah, I guess just looking back on on what led us here. Um divorce is something you never plan to happen. You enter into a relationship thinking this is forever. Yeah. And um my first wife and I, I mean, we had we had uh I I feel like we we tried to do everything right and by the book. Yeah you know, and and you um, you know, we we met in high school, we we kind of grew up together, our families lived in the same neighborhood, went to the same church, so it just felt like felt like it was the next step. Right. And so we we went uh you know, we were in college uh at the same time, got married, had kids, had a dog, picket fence. Yeah, everything just is it. Yeah. Checking all the boxes. And along the way, I think we got too busy, maybe focused on the kids and kind of lost track of each other. Oh, yeah. Happens all the time. Yeah, and it felt like it was more about accumulating things. That was how we measured our success is you know, the house we live in, the neighborhood we live in, the school our kids go to. And it went and God was not at the center. We we went to church. Yeah. We went we belonged to a denominational church, and we went every Sunday and checked the box, and it felt kind of obligatory that we go to church, but I don't know that that God was at the center truly of the relationship. It's not our faith wasn't something that we we built the relationship on. Wow. And um, I think just over time drifted apart. Yeah. And had had very different uh I I think once once the kids were um in school and were involved doing their activities, we were both very active in their activities, but we uh kind of lost touch with each other. Yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_00 5:48

So was it a mutual decision?

SPEAKER_01 5:51

Uh eventually, I mean it got to the point where I think we both recognized this isn't working. Um I started looking for what was missing outside the relationship. And it was never it was never sexual. It was just looking for attention, looking for what I wasn't getting at home. From the relationship, there just there wasn't like uh any connection affirmation.

SPEAKER_05 6:17

Yeah, so I just what I witnessed, like they ran a business very well. Their cars were taken back to the city. That's what it felt like. Yeah, it was a business. They paid bills, they paid for the business.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

Right, yeah, took care of the house, wait to get but but there wasn't the connection. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 6:33

So I mean you can go through all the motions and you can do all the right things, right? And look things are great, but if you're missing that attention and that friendship and that affection, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

We didn't laugh together anymore. We didn't, you know, going through the motions.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

I love what you said about this idea that it was almost like a sport, like accumulating things, like you had these Boy Scout badges of accomplishment, but then there was nothing underneath the surface.

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Exactly. Like if if I if we get a pool, we'll be happy. If we get a jet ski, we'll be happy. If we get a camera, we'll be happy. If our kids go to this school, we'll be happy. And it just was never enough. You kept trying to feed this monster, and it was just never enough. Yeah. It was never any contentment, it was never any like true happiness. And it just the more we were together, well, 13 years. And um it just felt like this isn't uh it doesn't feel like this is built to last.

SPEAKER_00 7:36

Who got divorced first, I guess, is the question.

SPEAKER_05 7:39

We were going through a divorce with the very three. That's one of these that brought us together. That's what brought us together. Wow. Wow. So I had heard, um, again, we all played hockey together, so hockey up north, guys, is it's all you're like and it's part of your family. They're not original Tennesseans. We're not gonna hold it against them. But like, I mean, it's a family, right? So I knew everybody on the team knew my husband and I were struggling. How do you struggle like that? And people small bad. People knew that Steve and Morley were struggling or whatever. And so one time I heard they had split up, and um, I was I made signs and stuff, and then I heard they got back together, and I made them a sign that said, and they left happily ever after. Like, how ironic is that, right? But it's never too late. You made them a sign. Yes. Yes. Wow. Because there was just something in my heart, I'll be honest, from a distance looking, thinking, as he was just telling you his story, his whole life was everything my life was not with my ex-husband. Yeah. So I remember looking at them thinking, if they can't make it, nobody can do it. Oh my gosh, yeah, there's not this relationship, but on the outside, but you only saw what was that external. Okay. So um, I just remember thinking, oh man, if they can't make it, nobody can make it, right? But so we all knew each other so well. So we were going through our divorces at about the same time. And I was actually at hockey one night with a I mean, I stayed in a relationship that should have been severed years before it was. Okay. And I'll tell you the reason I did that a thousand percent. Because I stood in a church and I promised God that I would stay married for better or for worse. Wow. And I just remember thinking, if I can't keep a promise with him, who can I keep a promise with? Right? And so there was just I mean, I guess I counseled with priests, I counseled with pastors, I counseled with anybody that I could get in front of because there was just so much burden in me about a divorce. And it finally was my pastor that looked at me and said, Sherry, this is not what God has for you. Wow, yes, it's not. And he had passed he had counseled with my husband also, so it wasn't it wasn't a he's bad, she's good, anything like that. It was just that together we were very toxic, yeah, and and very mismatched, just so mismatched.

SPEAKER_00 9:54

Mismatched in personality.

SPEAKER_05 9:55

Well, I'll be honest, he was a musician. I'm a musician. We were before children, life of the party. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think. And everybody loved us, and everywhere we went, people were like, it was infectious, right? Once you add children and real life to that, yeah, and one of us getting up going to work every year for years, 15 years, yeah, and the other one music was his life, and it did bring in some money, but it wasn't, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Without all that stuff, so there was a lot of instability, and we didn't we really we had different upbringings, we had different ideas of parenting. Um, and again, Steve did it all by the book. I had my two children before I was married to my husband. They he is the father of my kids, but we were together for seven years before we ever decided to marry, and um so uh I divorce for me was just very I just can't do that. Yeah, I have to say, I mean, and I was raised in a Christian home. You know what I mean? And and there was just everything about it was very so shameful, so yeah, come on, dig your heels in. That's right, you can do this. You were it you were made for more than this. I did the whole thing, you guys, where I went home and didn't use the D word for two years. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like I would he would be sleeping and I would stare at him and go, We're gonna make this work. We're gonna make I mean I was so devoted to marriage. Not that I never did anything wrong, but I really was devoted to staying married. And um eventually just felt I felt the release of the Lord saying, I had more feed.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

It sounds like you guys both were in marriages that were extremely visible. Is it fair to say that? Like within your social circle?

SPEAKER_01 11:40

Yeah, small town. Um, everybody knows everybody. We we we've traveled in the same circles, so you ever would you mean yeah, you just you kind of know if if someone is struggling or going through something, it's it's very obvious.

SPEAKER_00 11:52

Very public change, this time of sort of big change going on in both of your lives, and you guys were supporting one another, but then you're kind of like, Oh, when did okay, here's a question I have.

SPEAKER_02 12:08

Look at Charity smile, first of all. Yeah, this is she's like, Steve's the best thing that ever happened to me.

SPEAKER_05 12:15

I mean, he is for those who don't believe in God. I promise you. I promise. Oh no, you know I'm a believer. It blows my mind when I say, How do you know? I look at him and I think, guys, I was seeing a guy before I met Steve or started having anything to do with Steve. The night Steve came to my house, this is so important. Um, I was seeing a guy in Vermont. I lived in New York. Okay. To me, it was perfect. I'm gonna tell you, when my ex hospital, a lot of so there were orders of protection. There was nobody in my town was ever gonna date me, and I don't want to date anybody in my town, okay, because it was very scary. Yeah, um, this guy was perfect. I would see him when I didn't have my kids. We hang out, he was funny, he was different than anybody I'd ever been around. Convenient. Yes, it fit the right, yeah, which is not what God had for me. I was I was manipulating it, right? Yes. I was making my future. Yeah. So I had I'm now struggling internally with he never comes to New York. I always go there. Nice guy, doesn't have kids, all this stuff. So I had literally, before Steve rang my doorbell, I had just gotten off the phone with him saying, I know that I told you I don't want anything serious, and I know that I led into this saying that the convenience of this was perfect for me. But I really feel, guys, I've never said this to anybody in my life before, especially another man. I really feel like God has more in store for me. Wow. Wow. I feel like he made me to be the other half of something. And what you and I are doing, that that just isn't ever gonna be anymore. Yeah, what it is. What it is, and so like you're super nice, you've been really good to me. I'm sure you'll find somebody, but you're just not for me. I hung up the phone picking. What did I just do? Like I got rid of the thing.

SPEAKER_01 14:06

What you thought you wanted, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 14:08

So from there, guys. Um Well, you brought me you brought me to church.

SPEAKER_01 14:12

I did bring you to church, but and non-denominational, so very different from what I had grown up with. Yeah. People, you know, openly worshiping hands in the air, and uh it was whoa.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

Steve, would you would you say that was the first time you saw people catch the Holy Ghost? I think so. Okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

If you're uncomfortable, just squeeze my hand and we'll leave. And I said, No, I I can stick this out, you know. And it just was a real eye-opener about why are these people they're jumping around, they're dancing, they're singing. What are what's what are you happy about? Well, again, the church that I was in, you came in quietly, you sat down, you whispered, you kept your voice low. I mean, religion was one. I mean, church, yeah, where I was going before is that the she introduced me to um a side of my spirituality that I really hadn't explored. It was all about you know, you go every Sunday, you sit there, you check the box, you go home. The appearances of being a Christian. Exactly. Yeah, but there was no relationship, yeah. It was religion and not relation. Yeah. So the the the fact about like um how to pray. Because before that, praying was just regurgitating things, things you had to learn memorized. And it wasn't about talking to God, yeah, or asking or thanking, or it was just you know, going through the motions.

SPEAKER_05 15:29

Well, and and remember he said there was a lot of hypocrisy that he didn't like. I think that there would be things that would happen with our kids or in our personal life, and you would have an opinion. I go, Steve, that's not okay. It's not okay to feel that way. Yeah. Right? And he would look at me and go, What do you mean? And I'm like, Well, you didn't like that in your last church. Like, you didn't like that people were holding you to a standard that they weren't holding them themselves to, right? Like, you're doing that right now with our kids, or you're doing it with our exes, or you're doing it at work. And he's like looking at me thinking, I thought she was a party girl. She's not my scientist.

SPEAKER_01 16:08

It was it was obvious very early on that we could say the tough stuff to each other. Okay. It wasn't, you know, it wasn't just um surfacey when we got into conversations, it was kind of like bury your soul, and and we were we were close enough friends, and there was a safety that we could we could say the hard things to each other, and it was received from a place that it wasn't criticism or you know, attacking. It was here's something about your character you need to explore, or you need to, you know. And we hadn't been seeing each other very long, and she said, I have a gift for you. And I'm like, Oh, cool, you know. And she and I open it up, and it's a Bible. Oh wow. Oh my god. Thanks, I guess.

SPEAKER_05 16:55

And he opened it, and then I mean I wrote a little thing in there and stuff, and I mean, I went and I was like, he's a professor, I need this kind of Bible. Can you do that? Was a study Bible? You know, so when I handed it to him, he's like, Oh, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 17:06

And I had never I had never read the Bible before. I'd never, I mean, you you heard you heard uh parts of it in church as part of the sermon or something, but it it wasn't something that you openly uh open and read and got into and tried to interpret and understand. It was just something that you kept around the house and it was up on a shelf.

SPEAKER_02 17:25

You put it on your coffee table.

SPEAKER_01 17:27

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was my Bible.

SPEAKER_05 17:29

Well, yeah, and let's be honest, I didn't have a guy in my life that had ever bought a Bible for before either. Okay. Like the Lord helped me to be bold in that moment. The Lord helped me, like, charity, if we're gonna build this, we're gonna build this right.

SPEAKER_03 17:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 17:43

I would just remember thinking, like, he's just too different. And if if the Lord was gonna like, if this was gonna be something, then it was gonna have to be something beyond me. Oh, yeah. I will tell you, you mentioned that, like, what you would like to touch on is maybe um what were some of the hard things? What was some of the transition? The transition for me was not being in control.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

Oh you know what's hilarious? Is I could have literally, I was going to say those exact same words. Baby, would you like to say anything about giving up control of family?

SPEAKER_02 18:19

I mean, I definitely gave up all of my control when we met because again, this was the total opposite of anything I had ever looked for, a person that I had an interest in and talked to, like, I would not have picked him out of a thousand men. And, you know, I always say God knew God knows what we need.

SPEAKER_05 18:42

You know what's funny? Ashley, I have said to more people, I've said, God knew my type.

unknown 18:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 18:49

I thought I knew my type. I say that all the time, Sheridan. I knew myself.

SPEAKER_02 18:53

He does know us.

SPEAKER_05 18:54

And still, it's been 18 years old. Yeah, I still find myself. Steve will say something or do something or be there for something, and I think he's still, there's still layers of Steve that God's introducing to me. Beautiful. There's still like security and permanence and like all the things of what I was looking for.

SPEAKER_02 19:17

I didn't know what I needed.

SPEAKER_05 19:19

It chokes me up right now to talk to you because he knew layers inside of me that I couldn't even verbalize.

SPEAKER_03 19:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 19:26

And he has placed him in my life, and he keeps developing him more and more, and he keeps developing my heart more and more, that we just we reconnect all the time.

SPEAKER_03 19:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 19:39

It's like I when I looked at people back when I wasn't happily married, and I thought, if I could just have that, or if I could just maybe a blend. Yeah. Guys, when you said when we started tonight and you said something about being a rock couple, yeah, again, I got choked up because I never saw charity as a part of a rock couple. I just, I and honestly, when I left my my ex-husband, I thought, I don't even care if I ever get married again. I'm just gonna take care of me and my kids.

SPEAKER_02 20:09

And I was like, that was exactly where I'm gonna do it. I mean I've said that so many times and telling my story. I'm like, it was mine with that.

SPEAKER_05 20:19

Yeah, same. I had no idea that there was this desire in my heart to be the other half of something, to the point, you guys, that I looked at Steve and said, if something happened to me tomorrow, I want you to find somebody else. Not because it would it would, you know, ruin things or how beautiful things were for us. I know that Steve was meant to be the other half of something. Yeah. I know that I was meant to be.

SPEAKER_02 20:44

I'm not gonna say that, charity, but I'm glad you were able to, you know, say that to Steve.

SPEAKER_05 20:49

Even I find such, I don't know, such security in what he has brought to my life that it's almost like we were talking about work before this all started tonight. Having something and having to share it. That's how I feel. I would never want him to go the rest of his life being who he is and not be able to share. Yeah. Because it's been the greatest gift I've ever been given. And it still keeps giving.

SPEAKER_00 21:16

Like I just did you feel I hear this a lot. Okay, this is full disclosure. When we were in college, we had a joke. It was a running joke. We went, we called it the I'm everywoman syndrome, where you could see the ladies who didn't need they were strong women, they didn't need the man. And then we we see that my need. Like, were you kind of the I'm every man? Like, no, I think I'm okay. I'm just gonna do me. How was your experience?

SPEAKER_01 21:49

I think when my first marriage ended, I was at a point where I think, well, I I I've tried that, it's not for me. I tried and failed, and I think very much like your like your attitude it was I'm I'm gonna just be there for my kids and um I d I really, you know, I don't need a relationship or it wasn't uh maybe companionship and I wasn't looking for. Yes. I tried everything. I would see having couples and just say I'm I'm not meant for that. That's not true.

SPEAKER_02 22:19

You know, I was in a relationship before him and I was dating a guy and he broke up with me and he told me, he said, you know, some people are just not meant to be wives.

SPEAKER_00 22:30

He told you that. This is the first time I've ever heard this. Well the job. Holler at your boy. Please continue.

SPEAKER_02 22:43

But yeah, I was just like, how, how you know, I so I kind of took that to heart. I was like, well, maybe I am not meant to be.

SPEAKER_03 22:51

Talk about somebody speaking something. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:54

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean too. Obviously. Right, right. Obviously, you know, fast forward just a swidge after that happened and this wonderful man walks into my life.

SPEAKER_00 23:07

So you so Stevie, you had this this it's not for me. What turned that around?

SPEAKER_01 23:14

I think it was the more we got to know each other, and I found levels and a depths to her that I didn't know was there. I knew I knew the charity that everybody knew and saw at parties and out in public and you know, happy and friendly and funny, and you know, I knew that side of you. But as we got to kind of explore our spirituality, we we had some very open discussions about you know God and church and where do you want your life to go from here? I thought I saw you know, there's I we were pretty much aligned on some things, and I didn't I didn't know that was there, at least not to that depth. And um, you know, I I think one of the important things, God has really been at the center of everything we've ever done. We we pray together. If there's something that comes along in life that's a challenge or a decision, instead of my my my first instinct is to worry. Yeah, you know, worry about it instead of praying about it. I think that's something we learned together too. You helped me through some anxiety. I had periods of after the divorce, periods of of uh panic attacks, panic, uh, anxiety, uh, wow, doubt, fear, yeah, guilt.

SPEAKER_05 24:18

Um, just for the record, that was all new to me. In the end, God provided, but I I can't say it enough. We had to be vulnerable. We had to always made me feel safe. And at first, Steve came into the relationship with a lot of anytime you said something, the word criticism was always at the forefront, right? And on I would look at him and be like, that is not at all what I just meant. Did my words say that? And he would go, Well, no, but that's what you meant. I'm like, Yeah. That's what you meant. I'll tell you something. I'll say it. Yeah, right. Yeah. You can trust me, Steve. What I'm thinking up here comes right out here, right? Yeah. That's just you like them. So it took a long. That was a that was one of those.

SPEAKER_00 25:07

Steve, you said something very important. And I think as a divorced man, I don't think it's said enough about divorced men and how we define failure in our divorces. How do we see ourselves, especially principled men, right? I think we learned from our fathers. If you fail, it's on you, and you know, you are the arbiter of your outcome, and you know, so what really what I want you to do is just give us lessons learned from a divorced man who's who's climbed back up and and and seen a better, better next chapter. Like, what would you say to the guys I've gone through some of them?

SPEAKER_01 25:45

Well, first of all, uh showing showing emotion is not weakness. Asking for help is not weakness. Yeah. I defined myself by my financial status before the divorce. It was the house I lived in, the job I had, where I went to school, my income level, where my kids, the clothes they wore, the teams they were on. And all divorce took all of that. And so part of my testimony was being kind of broken down and built back up. So divorce just naturally put limits on my finances. I had to kind of reassess what's important. And so I found myself, I mean, we got together, uh, we were, you know, building a life together, and we we had nothing. We had we were still literally starting from scratch.

SPEAKER_05 26:31

Both of us left our homes. We didn't take anything.

SPEAKER_01 26:34

And so we left, you know, literally built things from the ground up. So my testimony was in place of the materialistic things that I had valued before, was I valued her. Yeah, and I valued God in my relationship with the Lord. And um we we got connected with our church family. And um I think somebody we were in church one Sunday, and I was just really feeling a lot, just carrying a lot of load. Just you know, finances and and the divorce and blending the family and guilt. Guilt, yeah. And uh someone from the church just came and and and laid his hand on me and prophesied a little bit about um being a good father. I mean, he knew nothing about my situation.

SPEAKER_05 27:18

He just It was during worship, you guys. He kind of bent over in the chair just like this, and that man came and put his hand on him and he said, I want you to know you're a good father. Oh Lord wants you to know. I like that. He goes, You're a good man, and the Lord knows it. Yeah, and he looked at me, tears, and I mean he didn't have that relationship with the Lord. He goes, How does he know that? Because he's God, yeah, God knows who you are.

SPEAKER_01 27:43

I was just trying to I was trying to carry everything. I mean, just pay the bills, you know, take care of that. Make everybody have it. Exactly. And uh it got to a point I just I just couldn't do it, it just wasn't possible. And I was actually playing golf with one of my close friends from the church, and I said, I don't know what I'm gonna do. And he just said something so profound that it changed my life. He said, give it to God.

SPEAKER_06 28:05

Give it to the Lord.

SPEAKER_01 28:06

Yeah, it's just something I hadn't considered before. That that that's when you're in trouble, like praying isn't something you do, it's something you do at church, it's not something you do every day or when you need help. And he just said, you know, give it to the Lord, and that really just changed my whole perspective and um made me see things in a very different, different way in the way that I viewed her. And it's just it's really been a really guiding principle.

SPEAKER_00 28:29

It's beautiful, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 28:31

And I think it's it's I mean, my whole purpose of coming here today and talking with you guys, like a lot of what I was hoping we would touch on is the shame that's associated with divorce. Yeah. It's so ironic because I don't I said to him on the way here, I don't think any church that we've ever been involved in has shamed us. Nobody's ever looked at us differently because we're a divorced couple, if anything. They've always welcomed us into leadership roles and and you know helped us to grow in the church and stuff. I really believe the shame that we feel, we put on ourselves. We definitely put on ourselves. Oh god, we definitely put on ourselves as well. And I can tell you, anybody that's listening or willing to listen, the Lord does not bless this if this is not good. If you are not living with him at the center of what you're doing, um I Steve introduced me to a life that was much more secure, much nicer than what I had beforehand. But I can tell you, we've had times where we didn't know how we were gonna make ends meet. We didn't know how we were gonna keep providing all four of our kids the lives that they were used to. And we would just pray over it, and God has always, always provided. Always. Nobody's ever went without us. Yeah. And um we've always had more than enough. And yeah, God has just blessed this marriage and this relationship and our children, and the ripple effect of what we are has went to our nieces and our life.

SPEAKER_00 30:05

Rubberies, generations, exactly.

SPEAKER_05 30:08

The relationships that we have gained within our family and our friend network, just God is just He's He everything is in abundance. Yeah. And for me coming here today was very important to say that shame is not from God.

SPEAKER_02 30:24

No. And it's really not. It's definitely something that we like you said, we put it on ourselves, and I think the reason that we feel so much shame, it's it's it's almost like a little kid when they get in trouble.

SPEAKER_05 30:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 30:36

You feel ashamed, you don't want to tell anybody what you just did because you know you were wrong. And most of the time you did it, especially for my point of view. I know I did it by myself. I know I chose for myself. I didn't let God choose. And so this was that was one of my things this time around. I said, God, if if I'm gonna do this again, if I'm gonna whatever you have for me, I'm gonna let you choose. I'm gonna let you be my matchmaker. I tell this over and over again. I always gave God complete control in every aspect of my life.

SPEAKER_00 31:14

Except oh boy, I'm every woman.

SPEAKER_02 31:18

Except my love life. Yeah. I always had the best jobs, I always had the best people, I always had the best of every other area except for my love life. And I remember thinking when I met him, I'm like, man, I almost wanted to whoop myself.

SPEAKER_05 31:37

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 31:37

Because then when I finally seen what God had for me and how he provides and protects and just the little things, he takes care of me.

SPEAKER_05 31:47

It's amazing. Doesn't it make your like your belly flaw? It does like it. It does. There's just something in there that says, I finally, we were talking to you about it before we started recording tonight. It I wish I could tell you that I kneeled, you know, next to my bed and asked God to bring me a meat step so he brought me. I wish I would have gone at this whole next chapter of my life that way. I didn't, and I'm I wish I would have. As I was starting to date Steve, I could feel something tugging on me. And I spent, Steve taught two nights a week plus worked full-time. I spent two nights a week, guys, constantly listening to Christian worship music, and I would just cry for hours and hours. I was the happiest I've ever done in my life. Yeah, that's real. But the Lord was just cleansing me. Yeah. I didn't know. Yeah, I was calm being my children, something's wrong with me.

SPEAKER_03 32:48

I'm not gonna clean this time so much.

SPEAKER_05 32:51

There was such a season of healing. Yeah. I didn't even know. I think I'm so smart. There was so much about me and I didn't know. And when I finally gave God here in time, I'm horrible at me.

SPEAKER_02 33:05

Well, you give him the keys. My figure is broken.

SPEAKER_05 33:14

Like I can't tell you, and I and I saw Steve go through some of that too. I saw him this guy, this clean cup, he's got it all together. The closer we got, the more I realized he had the job together, he had school together, he was a good dad. He did all, but man, when it came to relationships, especially a relationship with the world.

SPEAKER_02 33:33

We think we know better. We think we know better than God does.

SPEAKER_05 33:36

So we would go to church every Sunday, you guys, and we would pull on the driveway and um we would sit in the car for like an hour and a half after church. Our kids would think they're in that car fighting. Because that's what they all four kids came to all, right? And we'd go in the house and be like, everything okay? And we're like, Yeah, everything's fine. We were talking about church. We had the deepest conversations every Sunday after we would leave church.

SPEAKER_04 34:00

Wow.

SPEAKER_05 34:00

And then we were we'd go to sleep at night praying for our exes, and I remember you looking at me going, why do we pray for them? I'm like, they're in our life. Yeah. They're in our life, and they're purpose. And they're the parents to our kids, and we have we're gonna they're gonna be around for a long time. And the irony was, do you remember me one time saying to you, we were frustrated, guys? It was not, they were not good relationships with our exes, they were very intrusive police, like all that stuff, okay? So we would we would lay in bed and I'd be like, and he'd be like, Do we really need to pray tonight about that? And I'd be like, you know what, Steve? They keep coming at us this way because God's got something for us to do.

SPEAKER_02 34:38

That's right. Yeah, yeah, we just need to be praying with people. We're not just praying.

SPEAKER_05 34:42

This was big for Steve. I'm like, we're not just praying for them, we're praying that our hearts would open up and that we would learn what God needs us to learn to be the other half of that relationship. Because Steve and Charity aren't perfect. You know what I mean? When you're in a thesa, she said you always think, well, right, we have so much room to do. Yeah. And without that, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:04

One of the things I struggled with. I mean, early on we said that Steve and Charity never fight, but blending family was so hard. Yeah. And the transition for me was when we stopped calling it your kids and my kids, yeah, and we started calling it our kids, our family. Yeah, yeah. And uh it changed my definition of what family means. Yeah. It doesn't just mean people that are blood relatives, it means people in your life that that you care about and care about you and you take care of one another. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 35:30

Well, and there again, you let go of that that the reins, right? As soon as his kids became my kids and my kids became his kids, even if in your heart that wasn't true, yeah. Power in the words, right? Yes, the Lord started to like soften these edges where you were like, mmm, I don't like that about, you know. Yeah. But the Lord all of a sudden took that, mmm, I don't like that to the I wonder why that happened.

SPEAKER_06 36:01

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 36:04

If there was one thing that you could probably leave people with, knowing that you know, we are all sitting here all divorced and and remarried and and kind of let God take the reins in the control. If there was one piece that you could leave people with, what would that be?

SPEAKER_05 36:26

For I guess if I had to say it's don't lose hope. Like you had decided this isn't what's not for me. I had decided I'm just gonna take care of my kids and be done with it. Maybe someday later I'll find somebody. Um I don't care about hope. Because if you will let the Lord know your desires, again, I didn't even know that. He just he knew deep in my heart the things I needed and wanted to be. If you let the Lord lead, you'll have hope.

SPEAKER_00 37:01

Keep him at the center and pray for a direction. Surrender. Yeah, surrender.

SPEAKER_02 37:06

Yes, but we love you guys, and you are definitely our family. Yes, correct.

SPEAKER_05 37:15

A little heavy with some family stuff, and I opened my eyes during worship, and I just looked around, and it brought tears to my eyes to see families in our church that God has positioned around Steve and I. Yeah. So again, it doesn't just end at finding a mate and having that mate be the perfect person. Now God starts placing couples like you guys around us to laugh with, to love on. And we even had in our last church some guys that Steve would go to like mentor treats with and stuff, and they would look at each other and say, if it gets hard, call me. Like if you get feeling like I'm gonna have my jobs right now, because that wasn't the stuff that led him straight, right? Yeah. If you get a feeling that way, call me. Because we're gonna help you reconnect, we're gonna help point you back in the right direction. And I just believe the Lord has put wonderful people in our life, wonderful church, wonderful friends. And the blessings just don't stop. Again, it is abundant.

SPEAKER_00 38:10

Yes, we just keep going. Amen. Amen. Listen, thank y'all once again for around with us. Appreciate you guys. Uh you know, catch us next time, man. There's so many great stories, so many great journeys that we want to keep sharing with you. But until the next one, we'll see y'all. Peace.