Friendships in Your 30s: Why It Feels Harder (and What No One Talks About)

In this episode of Before We Get It Right, we’re talking about something many women in their 30s feel but rarely say out loud: why does friendship feel harder now?

Not just “we’re busy” harder — but the deeper shifts that happen as life evolves. We talk about loneliness, outgrowing friendships without there being a villain, the awkwardness of making new friends as adults, and how different life seasons like kids, marriage, business, and personal growth can pull people in different directions.

Friendship in your 30s isn’t about proximity anymore. It’s about depth, alignment, and emotional safety.

If you’ve ever felt disconnected, miss the ease of your twenties, or want deeper friendships but don’t know where to start — this episode is for you.

You’re not bad at friendship.
You’re just growing.

Don't forget to follow us on SUBSTACK HERE

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

You're listening to Before We Get It Right. Real moms, real conversations for the messy middle.

SPEAKER_01 0:08

I'm Leah and I'm Catherine, and this is a space for honesty, not perfection, before we get it right. Before we start, Leah and I were just talking about how crazy we feel today. By the time this gets released, it from an astrology standpoint won't matter because the time will have passed, but we're both feeling very just on edge, anxious. So bear with us today. There is like a, I think it's a blood orange lunar eclipse today. Basically, just like a whole reset. So I don't know, I don't know what's happening, but I'd be really curious how to lean into that versus because I feel like I'm resisting it.

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Like I feel it, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 0:53

I feel like I almost had a panic attack yesterday while I was driving for no reason. And I had to like take really deep breaths and like try to calm my nervous system down. And what I've been reading is it's like a karmic reset and releasing. So I don't know if all this energy coming up is somehow being released, but I hope so.

SPEAKER_00 1:14

Especially after just getting into the actual lunar new year, the year of the horse, where we are supposed to kind of move forward and have this upward trajectory. So it would make sense, I guess, for us to shed all these things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

And I'm just glad I have a friend like you that I can voice message to be like, what is happening with the moon today? Are you feeling crazy? Because I am.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

A million percent. You know what is funny though, I will say the longer more I get into all of that, the more I realize more and more women are because we're all trying to make sense of what the hell is happening. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 1:48

It's nice to have friends that we can share that with, which leads us into today, Leah.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Perfect segue. So today we are talking about something that almost every woman in her 30s, probably sometimes in your 20s, definitely in your 40s feels, but rarely actually talk about out loud. And it is why does friendship feel harder now? And we're not talking surface level harder and not we're just busy harder, but just deeper than that. So we're really gonna dive in. We're gonna share our own experiences as women building businesses, raising kids, navigating marriage, and evolving personally, and how that evolution sometimes reshape who's walking alongside you. Can we just start by saying something that feels slightly uncomfortable but very true? Friendship in your 30s feels harder. Not bad, not impossible, just harder.

SPEAKER_01 2:36

Yes, and honestly, to me, awkward. And I think what makes it confusing is that on paper, our lives look full. And we have kids, businesses, partners, responsibilities, all the different group techs that we try to keep up with, but somehow it can still feel lonely.

SPEAKER_00 2:55

Yeah, and I don't think anybody really prepared us for that because in your 20s, friendship just it just sort of happens. You're in school, you live near each other, and you have time. There's proximity, but in your 30s, it really does take intention and energy and sometimes some emotional risk too. You know, I think one of the hardest parts of the season is realizing you can outgrow a friendship without there being a villain. Nobody's like betrayed you, nobody exploded the relationship, but you've just changed and not in the same way.

SPEAKER_01 3:23

And that's harder to question and grief, though, because you can't really point to one moment that, you know, you had this falling out with a friend. It can sometimes just be slow, and it's this slow awareness that the depth just isn't there anymore.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

Definitely. And I think too, we kind of look for more in our friendships, right? When you don't have as much time and you don't have as much going on, you are looking for things that are just a little bit deeper and not in, you know, those surface-level relationships sometimes are great throughout life, but when you don't have the capacity for your day-to-day stuff, sometimes you just kind of want to put those behind you. We don't have time for that. Yeah. Don't have time for the bullshit. Exactly. There was this season where I was building polished prints, raising my kids, trying to be present in my marriage. And I was just like looking around thinking, why do I feel like I'm doing this alone? Because again, like you said, Catherine, on paper, there were so many people around me. But at the same time, I really just didn't feel seen. And I realized part of it really was me. I was evolving, conversations were different, my passions were different, the things that energized me were different. And I was thinking more about growth, like my legacy, who I was becoming, and not everyone wanted to go there. And instead of judging that, I just kind of had to accept that not every friendship is meant to evolve at the same pace. It wasn't about being better, it was more about being in a different season. And that just kind of brought me back down to earth a little bit and helped me recalibrate my expectations.

SPEAKER_01 4:53

I relate to that so much. There was a season, and I do feel like this happens often where I felt like I was the strong one, like the reliable friend, the one people came to, but I didn't feel like I had that place to unravel. And that can just feel like a weird kind of loneliness. You, like you just said, being surrounded by people, but not feeling safe enough to say, I'm actually struggling. You know, like how many friends do you have that you actually just not open up with, but uh, that you can really have those deeper conversations when you are struggling. For me, I remember going through something heavy and just handling it quietly on numerous occasions. It's actually, it's actually how I handle most things and something that I'm definitely working on. But later someone said, you know, I didn't know that you were going through that. And I realized I don't always let people see that side. I actually don't let most people see that side. And I use the excuse that people don't actually ask me, which I do think is also true. But I am the one that is usually asking in conversations. And when I ask how someone is, I really want to know like, how are you really doing? You know, cutting the bullshit, the surface level stuff. But then I find myself not getting deep. I care to hear other people's stuff, but I just have a hard time because part of it is feeling uncomfortable. I personally was not raised to talk about feelings or how I was doing, and I did keep everything inside because it just feels safer to me to not go that deep. Part of it's not wanting to be a burden, and part of it is just I'm used to being the one that people rely on to keep it together. But if we never let people see our cracks, we can't blame them for not knowing how to show up. And that is something that, especially in my 30s, that I'm learning. And it's been hard to realize that. I have learned that I need to be more forthcoming in those conversations, even if I feel awkward and uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

Totally. Because it is those conversations that really create real friendships. Yeah. And I want to shift something here though. Because while making friends can feel really awkward, a lot of friendships in motherhood, I feel like, do actually happen because there is so much overlap. Like you're at the same school pickup every day, your kids are on the same team, you're in the same activities, you're navigating the same sleep regressions or the same kindergarten drama, and things just work.

SPEAKER_01 7:32

Motherhood recreates that proximity that you were talking about in your 20s. It was college and in your 30s. It is a school drop-off and soccer practice, or, you know, wherever you're taking your kids to that we like to take them to those activities.

SPEAKER_00 7:47

And yeah, it just overlaps. Exactly. It starts with, how old is your kid? and then turns into, okay, so how are you actually doing this? How are you feeling? Have you slept lately? Can I get you a coffee? You really just start building connection in real time while doing life side by side. Some of my newer friendships and the ones that are really prominent in my day-to-day life here, they didn't really start out with some big vulnerable coffee date. They really just started with consistent overlap, standing next to each other in an event, sitting next to each other at one of our kids' activities, continuing to run into each other at random times at events or community outings, that it just made it feel more natural to talk about more than just logistics and surface level conversation. And then over time, because we were in similar seasons, depth formed with almost without even trying. Actually, one of my very best friends here, that is how we connected was that our kids are the same age and we were at the same daycare. And then all of a sudden we would see each other at the same activities, and then our families became good friends. And it really was that just being in sync in different parts of our lives that brought us together. So that's also, you know, kind of a beautiful thing, too. It really wasn't dramatic, it was just steady, and honestly, that at this point in life is the kind of friendship that really just feels sustainable.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

Our kids' age, they kind of overlap a little bit, but I feel like you've had a little bit more experience with those types of things than I have. And I'm just starting to meet and chat with moms in Ada's class. I she's in 4K, and so I'm learning that not every friendship has to be everything though. You know, sometimes when you're meeting moms, we just had her birthday party, right? And I took them to the nail salon, they got facials, and I invited the moms because I wanted to get to know them a little bit better. And the whole time, I probably didn't come off as awkward, but the whole time I felt uncomfortable, not in a bad way, but you know, you just don't have that depth yet. And that's okay. Like you said, I think it does take some time and it becomes more natural. But what I have learned is not every friendship has to be everything. There are friends that I process business with, which is mainly you because I don't have a lot of other friends that have their own businesses, friends that I talk about motherhood with, friends that I'm more, I don't know, silly and light with, friends that I can go deep with emotionally or spiritually. In my 20s, I think I expected one person to fill all those roles. And what I am learning now into my 30s, friendships are more like a mosaic. And different women bring out different parts of me. And I think that is true for a lot of women. And I don't think it's a deficiency, I think it's really beautiful, but that is something that I'm still learning how to do though, because I did have that expectations on women to fill all of those gaps. And yeah, it's something I'm definitely learning now.

SPEAKER_00 10:48

I do think, too, just to touch on that really quick, is that when you look back at being a kid and you look at even the way that our kids have friendships, so many of us had that one best friend, or we had like two best friends, right? And so to get into adulthood and have to adjust those expectations is really just a little bit of a learning curve because I think that's what we've all been accustomed to our whole lives. That's very true.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

And I also think that while we're talking about that, that we should also talk about comparison when it comes to kids, money, business, homes, marriage, it creeps in quietly. I feel, especially with social media, that plays a big role. And it's not something that I do consciously, but I think it's something that we all do quietly.

SPEAKER_00 11:30

Yeah, especially for ambitious women. You want to celebrate your friend's success, but at the same time, you have the tendency to measure yourself internally. If you don't name that tension, then it can create some distance and the energy is felt, right? I think friendship in this decade really does require a lot of emotional maturity that I think a lot of us are still learning.

SPEAKER_01 11:53

I'd like to think I'm emotionally mature, but you can always be better and improve when it comes to that.

SPEAKER_00 12:00

Definitely. I think that's where communication comes into play so much. I've been having this conversation a lot, even with my husband, about the importance of saying how you're feeling and while being conscious of the way that it's delivered to the other person, still being open about that so that everybody is on the same page because ultimately you can feel how someone else is feeling. Like I mentioned, energy, but if you don't say it, their mind is gonna go to a million different places. And I feel like that can create friction that is really hard to overcome if you don't just nip it in the butt right away.

SPEAKER_01 12:33

And I it leads to making assumptions and then you kind of spiral in your own head. Totally.

SPEAKER_00 12:39

Yeah, you overthink everything.

SPEAKER_01 12:40

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 12:41

I also think, too, one of the things that can be really hard about friendship at this stage in life is being vulnerable. Like there's the vulnerability of even being the one who always reaches out. If you have a friend and they don't invite you to things as much as you invite them, or even communicate with you as much, and you're the one to always initiate conversation, you really do start wondering okay, do they like me as much as I like them? Do they still want to hang out with me? If I stop texting, would we still talk?

SPEAKER_01 13:11

And sometimes that question reveals patterns, though. And to be honest, I can be pretty terrible with this one. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not the best at keeping in touch with everyone. But what I've realized is it's communication is a two-way street. And the friends that I want in my life right now have to be understanding of that. Because if I'm not texting you back, there is a reason for it.

SPEAKER_00 13:35

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

I'm busy.

SPEAKER_00 13:37

Yeah, it just reveals capacity. Yeah, I have a good friend, and she the one who I mentioned before, she's fantastic about always checking in with me every morning. And she knows sometimes I may respond right away, and then other times she may not hear from me until five o'clock. But being able to have that understanding with another person where she knows, okay, it's nothing you did. I am just like in my own world 90% of the time. And not to mention, everyone is also just caring a lot. Like you said, extend grace, but also pay attention to consistency because you can be generous without overextending yourself and still being, you know, conscious of other people's feelings too.

SPEAKER_01 14:12

Yeah, there's so many friends that I do have, mostly mom friends, because they do understand that if you text me and I thought I responded in my head, but I text you a few days later, it usually happens the other way around too. And then they're like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I forgot to respond. And I always tell everyone, you do not have to apologize for not getting back to me. If it's an emergency and I really need to talk to you in that moment, I will call you. So it's okay.

SPEAKER_00 14:43

I think the other thing that we need to normalize is that some friendships are seasonal. And seasonal doesn't mean insignificant. There are women who walk with you through the newborn days or the early business building days or a hard season of marriage days. And maybe you're not as close now, but it also doesn't erase what that friendship meant.

SPEAKER_01 15:02

Maturity is being able to say that was meaningful for what it is, but you're not forcing it to be what it used to be.

SPEAKER_00 15:10

Yeah, not every relationship is meant to come with you into every version of yourself, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 15:14

It's also okay to take some time to grieve certain friendships. I think back to some people in my life that I thought would be I would be close with for the rest of my life, and I couldn't imagine my life without them. But here I am doing life without them, and it is a loss, and sometimes it can feel like an even bigger loss than a romantic relationship. But where I'm at in my life, looking back, I now understand why they didn't work. And I just want everyone to know that it is okay to grieve friendships and the loss of them. And on that note, I also want to say it's okay to set boundaries and friendships, right? Life only gets busier, but there is one non-negotiable for me personally, whether that's right or wrong. But a boundary that I have is for showing up in really tough times. For me, the friendships that I hold the closest are the ones that show up when I need it the most. For me, that's really important. And I other people might have a different perspective, but just for example, uh, as Leah knows, last year was a tough one for me. I uh lost my mother-in-law, my closest aunt, and my dog of 15 years in the span of less than two months. Like it was a hard year. And then I even got to thinking, I mean, later on in the year, Brad, my husband, got in that bad car accident. My father-in-law was in the hospital, and it was just it was a wild year.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

Every time I talked to Catherine last year, it was like something that was pretty devastating was happening. So I feel like you're even almost like even just saying these things, which were obviously like all incredibly terrible, you overcame a lot in the last year.

SPEAKER_01 16:58

And there were people that I thought would show up that didn't, which really led to disappointment. But during those times, there were people who showed up that it really surprised me. And you really learn, and what I've learned is to pour my energy into those people because that is where you form those deeper connections.

SPEAKER_00 17:18

I feel like we should do one on navigating grief, but we should also add in aspect, like parts of it for how to support your friends who are navigating those hard times. Cause I do think that's something that people do struggle with is how do I show up for them in a meaningful way because they feel uncomfortable, you know, they don't know if like they're bothering someone. When I think, I mean you can speak to this way more than me, but you just also want to feel like these people are seeing you and they are there for you in this tough time.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

Yeah, I think we can talk both sides, you know, what's helpful, what's what's not. And those, you know, disappointing moments that I thought people would show up for me, and maybe in their own way they thought they did. And I also think it's just a different perspective. But for me personally, not showing up during those times is yeah, that's a non-negotiable for friendships for me. And I think that's okay. Everyone has to have their own boundaries and their own non-negotiables. A million percent.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

So now we're on to the part that is everybody's favorite, the tangible takeaways. Just a handful of things that you can take away from this episode, especially if you're navigating friendships in this season. These are just some things to hold on to. So, number one is leaning into overlap. The women already standing next to you might be the next layer of your community. And if you feel awkward and uncomfortable meeting new women, just know that the other person probably feels the same way.

SPEAKER_01 18:46

And I feel like this is a your example. Remember, you voice messaged me, what was that on Monday of that party you had over the weekend? And you just connected with this mom and you were feeling weird about asking her to coffee. And then you got in your own head, I feel like, inserted psychessing yourself about it. And so it happens to everyone. When you do that outreach, you're gonna be surprised what happens.

SPEAKER_00 19:13

Totally. You know, over the course of time, this is something I feel like I've come to understand about myself in the past year. I have hesitated about reaching out to so many different women because I have questioned whether they actually wanted to be friends or if they were just being nice. You know, sometimes it is hard to gauge that. And what I have realized is that there has never once been a time in my life where another woman asked to hang out with me that I didn't want to do that or that I didn't feel the same way, or at least appreciate it. And I think at the end of the day, if someone doesn't want to hang out with you, but you took that initial step, they just won't, you know, and that's okay too. I think it's less overthinking and more taking a little action and see what happens. Number two, redefine what connection looks like. Maybe it's a 20-minute walk, maybe it's voice notes between errands, or as Catherine and I do voice notes at every waking moment of the day. If it doesn't have to be, like it really doesn't have to be elaborate. Maybe it's finally just saying hello at school pickup or dance class, like I mentioned earlier, my really close friend here literally started from saying hi at school pickup. And I have another mom I'm also very close with, school pickup. And then we just started talking and realized we had more connections than we than we realized. It's funny because sometimes I feel like I'm your only friend, but I know you have other friends. I think you just want to be my only friend. Totally. I used to be a super crazy social butterfly whenever I was young, and I wanted quantity friends versus is like quality friends, and now I don't like I have you four or five close girlfriends.

SPEAKER_01 20:57

Dude, we don't have all the time we used to have to have all of these different friends. So, our next tangible takeaway, number three, let friendships match the season. Not every friend, like we said, needs to know everything except Yulia, because you do uh match all of my seasons. Sometimes you do get lucky. I have a few very close friends. I wouldn't be able to have a ton of those. You know what I mean? We wouldn't have the time to do that.

SPEAKER_00 21:30

Mm-mm. No, especially in this season of life with young kids. And you know, we can't forget about our husbands. We do have to leave some attention.

SPEAKER_01 21:38

We do have to give them some attention too, which I also think leads into number four is stop expecting one person to meet every need. Sometimes you do get lucky and you do have that person, but that's not as common. And we talked about building that mosaic and not a pedestal and having these crazy expectations. Of everyone in our lives to be able to fill all of those needs. Definitely.

SPEAKER_00 22:05

Name comparison internally. Awareness prevents resentment. Be aware of those things, speak them if you need to, and be able to move on. Period.

SPEAKER_01 22:14

I don't think there's much to add there. It's we all we're human, right? We all we're gonna compare. We're gonna be like, oh, what do they have? There's some uh I have this friend who lives in this neighborhood. It's like a private, gated community. There's a lot of money in it. And every time I go there, it's like a keeping up with the Joneses type situation. And it's so easy to do that because I think it's just human nature to do that. But like you said, be aware of that.

SPEAKER_00 22:45

Acknowledge and move on from. Yep. Sorry, did you say something? Yep. Yep. Honor seasonal friendships, appreciate what they are without forcing performance. There is a time and place for everything. It is like that with anything in life. And it's okay to move on from it. Let's honor the experience and be able to move on happily without there being a villain and without there being a huge reason why things had to end. Let yourself be supported. Being strong is admirable. Being open is transformational. That's something I think both of us do struggle with to a certain degree and are learning to move on from, is allowing others to be there for you. I don't know about you, Catherine, but I feel valued when my friends ask me for support in different ways. It helps me to know that they trust me and that they feel safe with me enough to ask me to help them. So make sure and do that. Nobody is going to judge you or feel like you're an inconvenience. I do think that strengthens relationships.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

I need to also work on the opposite because I do feel like I am that person that people talk to, that I give advice to. And I something I should probably go to therapy for is learning how to do that and be open myself. Absolutely. Not everyone. Because, like you said, you don't, not everyone needs to know everything.

SPEAKER_00 24:03

Well, and to just support you in whatever, right? Like picking Ada up from school if you're not able to, or you know, different actions and ways to be able to help. The it takes a village mentality. What is it? If you want a village, you have to be a villager.

SPEAKER_01 24:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:16

So it is focusing on maybe not being so much of a villager. Because I do feel like you support a lot of different people, myself included.

SPEAKER_01 24:24

Which I love. Maybe the most important one, which is the last one, number a let yourself evolve and let your friendships evolve with you. You are not behind, you're not bad at friendship, you are just in a different decade. If you're listening to this and you're in your 30s, it's gonna look different from when you were in your 20s. And it's okay if that evolving of a friendship means more distance and that you're not as close.

SPEAKER_00 24:53

Friendship in your 30s isn't always about proximity, although sometimes it is.

SPEAKER_01 24:57

It can be proximity in different ways, you know. I feel like you're very close to me because you're just like one voice note away. Exactly. But it's also about alignment, intentionality, and emotional safety, which I am working on, and choosing each other again and again in the middle of real life.

SPEAKER_00 25:17

Because it's hard. We're we're all busy, we have a lot of responsibilities. We hope that you find this as a safe space to feel seen, inspired, understood, and valued.

SPEAKER_01 25:27

Boom. That was it. That was what was in my head, Leah.

SPEAKER_00 25:32

So, really quick before we end, let's do a little recap of the week, what we're watching, what we're listening to, in hopes of giving all of you just a little ear candy, eye candy for your viewing pleasure. Catherine and I talked about doing this on Substack, and I haven't done that yet, but I will. But I think now is the best time to share what we are both consuming this week.

SPEAKER_01 25:55

Okay, what are we reading? To be honest, I have been watching way too much TV that I haven't been reading anything. I'm currently in the middle of the invisible life of Addie LaRue, which I have been reading since I started that at the end of January. So I need to finish it. Great book, just hasn't been a priority.

SPEAKER_00 26:18

You're not reading anything, are you? No, I'm just listening to a lot of crime junkie. I usually do an audio book though, and I Catherine knows I listen to all the housemaid books back to back to back. I think I finished them all in like a two and a half week span, and I was in so deep. I need to find another one though. And for me, I really have to find something captivating to be able to listen, and it has to have a good narrator because at nighttime I get so tired, I fall asleep.

SPEAKER_01 26:42

If you like Frito books, the next best one that I thought personally is called The Inmate. Okay. I think you would really like that one. Her books are super captivating for me. They're like page turners where I have to finish it.

SPEAKER_00 26:54

Oh, I will check that out. I have been watching a lot of TV though, too. So I've actually I have. So I've actually been watching Love Story, which I don't know if you guys have heard about it. Catherine, have you heard about it?

SPEAKER_01 27:04

Uh, I feel like I've heard about it, but I know nothing about it. Like I've seen it.

SPEAKER_00 27:09

It is an FX show about JFK Jr. and his wife, Carolyn. So they, you know, were killed in a plane crash, and it's kind of their love story leading up to that moment. And I just love, I mean, anything Kennedy's, anything of that era. I mean, it was the 90s, the close. She's working for Calvin Klein. Very much up my alley, and the soundtrack is excellent.

SPEAKER_01 27:30

I just finished The Lincoln Lawyer on Netflix. Oh, I've heard good things. Loved it. My sleep schedule is so messed up this past week because of it. I've been staying up way too late, but I've been seasons one through four. Not in just the last week, probably the last couple weeks. But it was so good. Awesome.

SPEAKER_00 27:49

And then what are you listening to?

SPEAKER_01 27:50

Honestly, I'm not listening to anything right now because I feel like my listening to a podcast is listening to our podcast while I'm editing them. And right now, when I have Elena in the car with me, I love a good podcast or something like that. But she has just been a little terror in the car wanting to listen to the either K-pop or Gabby Dollhouse soundtrack. So we've been jamming to that in the car. Yeah, sprangle party.

SPEAKER_00 28:19

We have a lot of that too. I have also been listening to, I've been listening to a lot of Livia Dean, my daughter. Lily is Lydia Dean right now. She's great. And I forgot to mention we were talking about shows. The other show that I am watching with Lily, every other night we watch an episode of Lizzie McGuire before we go to bed.

SPEAKER_01 28:35

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 28:37

Blast from the Yeah, Blast from the Past. She loves it. Although I will say, I know Hillary Deff has made a comeback with her new album. Have you listened to it? No, I haven't. I really did not. Sorry, unpopular opinion. Didn't care for it. I didn't love it. No, I wanted to so bad. I wanted to love it, but it just wasn't for me.

SPEAKER_01 28:56

Wow, you made it through the whole episode without a yawn until now.

SPEAKER_00 28:59

All right. Well, thanks everybody for listening in. We will see you next week.

SPEAKER_01 29:04

My gosh, why are we so awkward? Also, if you are on Substack, or even if you're not on Substack, find us on there and join us. We do share other things besides our episodes and just another way to connect with you all.