Messy Middle Confessions: The Things We Don’t Say Out Loud (Part 1)

There’s a version of life we show…and then there’s the version we’re actually living.

In this episode, we’re opening up the space for the messy middle, the part no one really talks about out loud.

The thoughts that feel too honest.
The seasons that don’t make sense yet.
The moments that feel overwhelming, unpolished, and a little unhinged at times.

We’re sharing anonymous confessions from women who are right in it. Those who are navigating motherhood, identity, relationships, purpose, and everything in between. Some are deeply vulnerable, some so funny because they are so relatable, and all of them are real.

Because somewhere along the way, we started believing we’re supposed to have it all figured out while we’re still in the middle of it.

But the truth is… most of us are in the messy middle. Like at all times. 

If you’ve ever felt like:

•  you should be handling things better than you are 
•  you’re the only one thinking certain thoughts 
•  or your life doesn’t look like the version you “should” be living 

This episode will remind you that you’re not alone in it. This is a safe space. No names. No judgment. Just honesty. And maybe, a little exhale in knowing…
everyone else is figuring it out too.

Share your Messy Middle Confessions anonymously with us HERE.

We will definitely be doing this again! :) 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

You're listening to Before We Get It Right.

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Real lawns, real conversations for the messy middle. I'm Leah and I'm Catherine, and this is a space for honesty, not perfection, before we get it right.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

Wait, can I tell you one last thing and then we'll get into it? Yeah. I just got excited. You're good. What? Today at our first mom meetup, Amber, who worked for me, was there and I mentioned something about me and Lily watching Lizzie McGuire. And she goes, Oh yeah, I listen, I heard that on your podcast. And I was like, You listen? And she goes, Yeah, of course I do.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

It's so funny. My neighbor actually texted me today. She was like, I just listened to your podcast. I love it so much. Something like that. And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm embarrassed, but thank you. Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. Y'all are actually listening and enjoying it. Okay, today's episode feels really special because we are calling this the messy middle confessions. And it's exactly what it sounds like. The parts of life that feel messy, uncertain, overwhelming, the things we think, but don't always say out loud. Because somewhere along the way, we started believing that we're supposed to have it all together while we're in it, but we have learned the truth. Most of us are in the middle of something right now, like at all times. And it's not polished, it doesn't make sense, and it definitely doesn't fit into a neat little caption, even though that's what we usually see on social media. So today we're sharing anonymous style confessions. And these are a hundred percent anonymous. It's just a Google form that I created. We don't even ask for your email, nothing. There are some vulnerable, some a little unhinged, some a little funny. And I tried to pick different areas of responses that I think people can relate to. I just made a story on Instagram thanking everyone that submitted. I was really scared that no one was gonna submit any responses to this, but you all came through. So thank you for that. And I'm glad everyone felt safe enough. And honestly, there are a lot of common themes throughout. And the whole point is this if you hear yourself in any of these, you are not alone. We are just so grateful for everyone feeling safe enough to share again. And just to remind you, we don't even know who you are. And that's the beauty of these confessions. They are truly anonymous. And yeah, just thank you so much. And let's get into them.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

All right, I'm honored to read the first one. So our anonymous mom friend number one says, I love my kids more than anything. Like, fully, no question, but I don't recognize myself anymore. I don't know what I like, what I do with free time, what makes me feel like me. And sometimes I wonder if I disappeared for a second, would anyone even notice me or just what I do for everyone? Like, who am I? Exclamation point, exclamation point question mark.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

That one, I think this is something so many women feel, but we do not say out loud or even know how to say it. So I feel like this person put it perfectly into words. I think we all lose ourselves in motherhood at some point. And it means that you're giving so much to someone else or multiple little humans. And at certain periods, for me, it was just necessary for survival, right? We're just in it and we're surviving. And for me personally, I feel like around my kids turning two is when I was really able to start pouring back into myself and figuring out who I was outside of being a mom. And I don't know why it was the two age, but for me, that's when I felt like I was able to give a little bit more to myself.

SPEAKER_00 3:47

Yeah, I mean, I can relate to that a lot. I think that there are so many components that make it really tough, right? I think one you've changed. So it's hard to find out who you are to really represent yourself because you change at your core, right? Biologically and just emotionally as a mom. I think back to when I had Lily, and that was one of the biggest challenges for me. And now, I mean, obviously she's nine. So there's a lot that's happened between now and then and a lot of time for reflection. But I think it was really hard to even identify that because there's a certain level of guilt that's wrapped up in it. Like you love your kids so much. So even questioning who am I outside of them feels a little wrong. But really the most important question we should be asking. I am still very much in that in between. I'm not fully lost, but I haven't fully reconnected either, even this far down the line. And I think the biggest thing is just really trying to notice the things that make you feel like you again, even if they're small and trusting that that version of you, whatever she looks like, is still there, maybe just buried under a lot right now. I mean, I feel like that's very well said.

SPEAKER_01 4:51

I don't have much to add to that one. Boom. You're definitely not alone in that, is all I can say, especially to every single one of these submissions that I read. It's like, yep, yep, get that, understand that. Okay, I'm gonna read confession number two. By the end of the day, I feel so overstimulated that when my kid asks me one more question or touches me again, I get so irritated and snappy. It's hard not to lose my cool, and I often do. And I hate admitting that because I know one day I will miss it, but right now it's just too much. And then I just want to be alone when they go to bed because I'm so touched out.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

And that is really hard. I can definitely relate to all of this. Two things can be true. You can love them and still feel like you need space. But I think what doesn't always get talked about is how like physical that is. You know what I mean? Like it's not just mental overwhelm, it's being touched, needed, talked to all day to the point where your body just can be done. And then again, you know, I feel like with all of these reading through them, there's just so much guilt that we feel when we feel these feelings and we talk about them. Cause at the same time, you also know that one day you might miss it. So it is that like back and forth, right? That internal conflict. I don't know, it's almost less about needing a huge break and more about having small moments where nobody needs anything from you, where you can sit in silence. Definitely not here to give advice because I don't think we we obviously don't have it figured out at all. But one of the things I think for me that has helped, because this is something I really related to pretty deeply, I get overstimulated pretty easily. And it's not just from my kids, but it's also from work too. And there are plenty of times where, like at the end of the day, I just want a little while where nobody is asking me anything, including like people I work with, my husband, my children. Like, I just want a moment. And I think it's okay to give that to yourself, whether it's sitting in your car for 10 minutes and just like scrolling, whether it's taking a breath of you have a moment to be able to do that, just giving yourself that time and trying not to feel guilty about it. Cause there really is no shame in how you're feeling. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:13

I mean, when my kids go to bed, I think, well, Ada's in bed a little bit later, you know, 7:30, 7:45. And after that, I am in my bedroom, I'm laying on my heating pad, I'm watching my garbage TV, and I tune out the rest of the world for, I mean, probably a solid hour. And for me, that is how I get untouched, if that is even a thing. It's my little reset, my mindless escape. You know, my husband questions like why I watch so much trash TV at night. And it's, I don't, it's how I escape. No one needs anything from me in that moment.

SPEAKER_00 7:49

I know, and you don't have to think about it. Like, I think that's the beauty of it, right? You can get so wrapped up in like whatever their situation is or whatever the drama is to where you are able to disassociate a bit. And I think that that's a healthy thing. Yeah. Confession number three. I don't like complaining about my husband. We're not fighting, nothing is like wrong, but we're not really connected. Our main conversations are about logistics, schedules, kids, but I don't remember the last time we actually felt close. It's like a quiet suffering on both ends. I hope it's just a phase, but I really am just in the thick of it right now.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

Uh yeah. I think this is such a silent season for so many couples. And not everything that feels wrong is really loud and like in your face. And I can't speak for other people, but I do think this is something a lot of couples go through. But again, it's quiet and something that people don't actually talk about. Shout out to my husband, who I love very much. But we have been there before. It feels like there's sometimes these roommate phases because again, you're both pouring so much into these other humans that the marriage takes the back seat at times. And whenever I start to feel like that, again, I'm not here to give advice. I'm just sharing how I relate to this confession. But I have learned that I need to speak up sooner because the sooner we talk about it, the sooner both of us get on the same page. Sometimes one of us isn't even aware. So getting on the same page, being able to put more energy into our marriage together, because it does take work. Marriage does take work, especially when you have kids. And I remember, you know, after you get married, before you have children, like if that's the route that you took, a lot of people say, Oh, is married life any different? And it's like, no, it it doesn't. It feels the exact same. But I feel like once you have kids, it's just, I don't know, it totally changes after having kids.

SPEAKER_00 9:49

I totally agree. I mean, I do think, like you said, Catherine, this is really one of those things that a lot of people don't talk about, but I think so many people are feeling. And I think too, it is like, okay, you love your husband, they're great, but at the same time, it's almost like the feeling touched out at the end of the day. Like you go through your day more overstimulated. Your mind is in a million directions. It can be hard to calm down and feel a little less stressed in order to be intimate and to be present, right? But yeah, I do think that's something that I know in our marriage, which also shout out to my husband because I feel like he's done a nice job of being there, like pushing that sometimes more than me. I tend to like try and put it off, not talk to it, like be downstairs and I just like won't come down because I'm like, I'm just gonna go like hide out. And that's not the way to do it, right? But I think over time, and now especially that our kids are a little older, we're not like getting up in the middle of the night as much. We don't have like all these other windows of time where we're not like you're distracted, you get tired. Like that is less and less for us that we've been able to carve out more moments to connect, whether it's just watching a show together and not even speaking to each other, whether it's going out of our way to like text each other during the day, or if we get up early, finding a moment to even just come in, hug, touch, something like that. I don't know, have helped us because I, yeah, have been in that season for yeah, we I think we all have, you know.

SPEAKER_01 11:18

I saw something on Instagram. This creator was talking about how her and her husband actually got divorced and then got back together. And one thing they're doing the second time around is they're making sure they touch whether it's a kiss or a hug, holding hands, anything like that, six times a day. And it made me think I was like, I do uh do Brad and I do that. And so it's been now a joke in our house where I'm like, okay, is this touch number three or four? Gotta get to our number six. But it really does sometimes you just need those reminders. But again, it depends where you are at in your journey of being parents, too.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

It does. And I think this is one of those topics I feel like we could dedicate a whole episode to. Maybe we will. Maybe we will, because it is one that I think people kind of suffer in in silence where they think that is just how it should be, even if it really makes them feel unhappy. But the going out of your way to physically touch that is something we've implemented into our marriage too. Because my husband is more of like his love language is physical touch, whereas like my love language is I'm a gift person, or I also am a words of affirmation. We just communicate that in different ways. And for him, one of the biggest things I can do when I get home is come up to him, give him a hug, give him a kiss, acknowledge him, and be like, I love you. How was your day? And give him that like small amount of time. And to me, I'm like, what difference does that make? This like five minutes. But to him, it actually makes a huge difference. Him laughing, finding things to laugh about and bringing that, and so everything doesn't feel so serious all the time has brought us back a little bit more into feeling like we did before we had kids again.

SPEAKER_01 13:00

Yeah, I love that. And again, I think that depends where you're at. So I mean, when you're in the thick of like the newborn phase and like those younger years, there's not, I mean, there's not a ton of laughing. Sleep deprived, you are barely hanging on. So yeah, it all depends where you're at in your journey for sure. Okay, next one, confession number four. I love this one. Made me laugh out loud. The other day I hid in my pantry with the lights off and ate chocolate while my kids were yelling for me, and I just didn't answer. Like I fully pretended I didn't hear them, and it was the most peaceful three minutes I've had all week. Should I feel bad about that? Girl, no, absolutely not. Take the time for yourself. Also five. Take five minutes to get to next time.

SPEAKER_00 13:53

I mean, I feel like giving yourself a little moment and also giving your kids a little bit of a moment to decide is this really like whatever it is they're asking for you for, is this really something I need my mom for right now, or is this something I could figure out myself? Because if they're not hurt, a lot of times it's like something they could maybe figure out too. So that's you can think about it positively in that way. But I think we've also all had this moment, and snacks are always a must, of course. Taking two minutes to yourself is better than losing it because you're so overstimulated. I definitely have had to learn to not feel bad about taking that time for myself because it really is how you keep your sanity. Agreed.

SPEAKER_01 14:29

My hiding place is my closet or now my sauna, since I've gotten that. And unfortunately, my kids have learned where my hiding spots are, but I still don't feel bad about it. I will still go to my hiding spots. I have a funny pantry story though. Speaking of hiding in a pantry, Elena, my two-year-old, the other day, I couldn't find her anywhere. Brad couldn't, Ada couldn't. We're all looking for her. And then all of a sudden I heard this little laugh, and she was in our kitchen pantry with the lights off. I turned the lights on, and she is like asleep. She didn't, it was not a full sleeve of cookies, but she was eating the peanut butter patties sitting on the floor, and there are crumbs everywhere, and she was hiding out. So kids do it too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:18

I think everybody needs that moment to regulate. We always tell our kids that when they start to get overstimulated, we're like, just take a step out of the room. Now wherever they choose to go in that moment or do, I guess it's kind of up to them.

SPEAKER_01 15:28

For Elena, it could be eating cookies in the pantry.

SPEAKER_00 15:32

All right, confession number five. Sometimes I snap over something so small, like spilling water, some kind of accident. And in the moment, I can't take the time to be like, why am I reacting like this? Why do I get so ragey? And then guilt just hits me really hard. I feel like I'm constantly swinging between overwhelm and apologizing to my kids. And then I feel like my repair isn't good enough. So I sit in my guilt and then I feel shame.

SPEAKER_01 15:57

I believe this is a cycle we all experience, and it really is a constant battle in motherhood. Whoever wrote this, let me just say, you are definitely not alone. All of these that we have read so far and in the future, you are not alone. And I personally really have to check myself when it comes to this. And what I have learned as an adult is my snappiness is usually louder when my nervous system is out of alignment. And I hate to say this, but it is my go-to mode because I'm not trying to blame parents, but I feel like that is what has been modeled to me. And I'm not blaming my behavior on my mom, but it is what my own nervous system is used to. And it's the easiest way to respond for me. It's almost like a reflex way. You know, I recently saw this quote that was like working on myself because what happened to me isn't my fault, but who I become is entirely my responsibility. And that really hit me. And I'm not saying go blame your parents for our hard moments, but I am saying that it does take a lot of working on ourselves to not respond that way to our kids when our nervous systems are in overdrive. Something I've tried to replace my response instead of reacting right away. Again, not giving advice, but this is what has worked for me when I actually implement it and take that, take that beat before I react. But instead of reacting right away with words, I usually try to take one deep breath before I let anything come out of my mouth. And when I do that, it is usually at least a little bit more calm, whatever does come out of my mouth. And do I do this every time? Absolutely not. But I haven't gotten it right yet. And I'm still a work in progress too.

SPEAKER_00 17:52

I definitely can relate to this too. And something that's a big conversation within our house regarding this is that, you know, when your kids we react really strongly to things sometimes too, and we try and kind of get them to regulate their emotions. It really is important to think about how a lot of us don't know how to regulate ours. We weren't taught that. And so, you know, we obviously don't expect our kids to be able to snap back out of it really quickly. And I think it's the same for us. I think what stands out to me here is just how quickly it can turn into a story about who you are, not just what happened. Like it can go from I snap to I'm a bad mom in seconds. And that part just feels so much heavier than the actual moment. And something I've been trying to remind myself of is that one moment doesn't really define your whole day. And it definitely doesn't define your relationship with your kids. It's just a moment. But when you're already stretched thin, it's really easy to let it spiral into something that's bigger than what it actually is. I also think that we underestimate how much pressure we're under to regulate everyone else all the time. So when we lose it for a second, it feels unacceptable. But the reality is that we're doing a lot constantly without much pause. And instead of sitting in, was my repair good enough? I've been trying to shift to, all right, I showed up again because really that is what builds trust over time, not perfection, just consistently coming back.

SPEAKER_01 19:14

Just even the fact that you tried any repair or that we do that, totally that in itself is such a big deal. And that is not something that older generations did. No, and maybe they did no one I'm familiar with. And I just I don't think that was the norm. And I think something about our generation that is different is opening the door for that kind of repair and having those conversations. And I will apologize when I do something wrong. And I have to like take a step back and have that conversation. That's something new that we're all navigating together is the whole repair situation.

SPEAKER_00 19:55

Yeah, I think it's also something pretty beautiful because we can look at it from the perspective of how generationally we're continuing to change things. And it's like if we're able to do this and maybe we weren't given those tools, think about what our kids are going to be able to do when we're having these conversations with them. So them seeing that we are not perfect, there's beauty in that. They can realize that they can mess up too, but they can still be awesome. Just like you can have a ragey moment and you're still an amazing mom.

SPEAKER_01 20:25

Mm-hmm. All right, confession number six. I work so hard to build something for myself outside of being a mom. But now every time I sit down to work, I feel like I should be with my kids. And when I'm with my kids, I feel behind on work. It's like I can't win in either space and constantly playing tug of war with myself, which leads to me feeling like I'm constantly failing in all areas of my life.

SPEAKER_00 20:51

Yeah, I think it means you care deeply about both, but that doesn't make it any less exhausting. What makes this so hard is that there's no clear right choice in either direction. No matter what you're doing, part of you feels like you should be somewhere else. I definitely feel this in my own life. I relate to this so deeply. Catherine knows it was really the basis of most of our conversations last year. It really integrated itself into the goals with my business and it weighed on me so heavily. And I think what I really come to is that like the perfect balance doesn't exist. And you kind of have to channel yourself into some different areas and compromise in others at times, but also your kids seeing you work and succeed in something is really valuable. Like there are days where I'm answering my emails with my kids right next to me, trying to do both and not feeling present in either. But then there are days where I try to be really intentional about being with them, putting work aside. And even then, there's this underlying voice reminding me that everything is waiting for me. All the emails I haven't responded to, the stuff I need to do. And it's like you're constantly negotiating with yourself. And I think that over time, this kind of creates this feeling of being. Behind no matter what you choose. But what I've started to realize is that balance, again, like I said, it really isn't 50-50. It's more like fully being in one role at a time and trusting that the other will still be there when you come back. And I know that's easier said than done, especially when both roles really matter to you. But if you could be fully present in those moments with your kids and fully present in those moments with business, I think you're going to be more efficient and successful and feel confident in those different areas of life, even if you're not spending as much time. You know, you're spending more quality time, maybe not as much time on the clock, but it's going to be more meaningful.

SPEAKER_01 22:38

We talked about this a lot in the what was the title of that episode? Is it the myth of doing it all? Yeah. I think we talked that would be that would be a great episode to listen to because I think we talked all about this for like the whole episode. And I really just try to constantly remind myself that my kids are never going to be this young again. I'm just, I'm in that season. Ada started K4. I have a two-year-old at home. And while I have work to do and there's always something I could be working on, I'm not going to get this time back with them. And I really should write that on a post-it note and like stick it on my mirror in the morning because it's something I do have to constantly remind myself of.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

Yeah. And I think it's hard because I think we're also at this age where we feel like we're kind of in our prime professionally. And you start to feel like if you don't channel so much of your energy into that, you're not going to find success. But we're coming to realize that's not true. You see all those things, it sounds kind of cliche, but you even see like Martha Stewart didn't do this until this age.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

And I was just gonna say that so-and-so launched and became a billionaire at age 65, or you know, something like that.

SPEAKER_00 23:50

We carry this book in our store by Aina Gardner. It's called Be Ready When the Luck Happens. I have not read this book, but what I'm guessing it is about is that whatever it is, whatever your future, your purpose, all that, that luck, that's gonna find you no matter where you're at in life. And I don't ever hear anybody talk about how they regret taking a little bit of time or moving a little slower for a couple of years while their kids are young. I always hear the opposite. And I try and remind myself of that on a regular basis, that all these things I'm stressing about professionally, they feel huge right now and they feel awful. But at the same time, I'm not gonna conquer them in the same 20 minutes, 20 minute span where I'm with my kids and that's on my brain. Like if I'm focusing just on my kids in these times, it's not gonna take away from that. So yeah, I think finding a balance that works best for you, but also you're doing great.

SPEAKER_01 24:43

Yeah, like you said, you're never gonna regret that. And you do hear a lot of people like towards the end of their lives, if they could do things differently. My grandpa just passed away at age 96, lived a very long life, and he was a cardiothoracic surgeon, and all he did was work. He poured his whole life into work. He was a very intelligent man, uh, knew absolutely nothing about his own family, did not have great relationships with a lot of people in the family, and I guess his last couple of days, he says that he regrets a lot of that. And I would rather not have those regrets, and there's always gonna be something to do, and your kids are gonna get older too and be in school full-time at some point. Totally.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

And I think one thing not to get too far off in the weeds, because I also feel like I know we talked about this in a previous episode, but this one really does hit home for me. I do think that one of the biggest things is to really evaluate professionally. So many of us have the fortune of being in careers or doing things that just light us up and do bring us purpose. And, you know, you don't want to lose sight of that. But I think finding a way to be able to navigate that and motherhood that works for you. So many of us are like, you have to either be a stay-at-home mom or you have to go to work full-time. And I think we're of a generation that's finding alternatives to that and finding ways to find a little bit more balance, but part of that really is tuning out and tuning in to what your present moment is. So finding a way to be able to do that, which is really hard.

SPEAKER_01 26:24

It is hard. And some people don't have the option to, you know, some people do have to go to a full, you know, nine to five, being away from their kids. And everyone's circumstances, I think, are just so different, too.

SPEAKER_00 26:37

All right, confession number seven. So this one's gonna bring up quite a few different topics that we actually haven't really talked about or covered on the podcast, but we probably need to. So whoever did write this, before we get into it, I just have to thank you for being open and honest with us about how you feel and what you're going through. So here we go. Realizing I'm probably going through a midlife identity crisis. Becoming a parent isn't what everyone cracks it up to be. Becoming the default parent sucks, sucks the living life out of me. Work doesn't care about moms, society doesn't care about moms. Women are only cared for while they are the vessel and pregnant. You pop that baby out and people care for a hot second. The caring and the checking in stops before some of the help is really needed. But if you reach out needing help, you're bothering people. The weight of the world is heavy and it sucks. Try to hold it all together while surviving is messy. Keeping your identity at home, work, and in your personal life is beyond exhausting. I need to set an out of office for life for the next infinity of time.

SPEAKER_01 27:43

This, I mean, this. Like when we first read it, it was like say it louder for the people in the back, right? I feel like this is a very vulnerable, relatable, and well said that I don't, I don't even know what I have to add to this one, except for this person whoever wrote this. I am sending you the biggest hug and so much love because I truly do feel you. And I feel like a lot of women probably feel this way as well.

SPEAKER_00 28:13

Definitely. I mean, this feels like the part nobody really prepares you for, not just how hard motherhood is, but how invisible it can feel after a certain point. Like there's this intense support leading up to having a baby, and then all of a sudden you're just expected to carry it all without as much acknowledgement or help. And I don't think that that's really felt until you have kids. It's really hard to explain that to somebody. And you also, I think those of us who have kids, you kind of you just kind of forget sometimes how freaking hard it is. And if you don't have support near you, especially if you don't have parents that live near you, if you don't have other people to be your village, I honestly cannot imagine. And I think that the default parent piece here is what really shifts everything. It's not just doing more, it's being the one who's always thinking, always anticipating, holding it all together mentally. That kind of responsibility just doesn't turn off. And it's exhausting in a way that's really hard to explain unless you're in it. Being the one that daycare calls, if your kid is sick, that you know, you something happens at school, you have to go in. It makes it difficult to even create a schedule or live your life in any way because it's so unpredictable and you're on the hook for all of that. I also think there's a real grief in it, not because you don't love your kids, but because parts of your old life, your independence, your identity, your space feel harder to access. And no one really talks about how conflicting that can feel. And the truth is, it's not that you're doing something wrong, it's that the system around moms isn't really set up to support this phase well. So it ends up feeling personal when really it's just so much bigger than that. And even in that, I think it's okay to admit that it's heavy, to not try to wrap it up into something positive or fix it right away, just acknowledging this is a lot is valid. And you're really not the only one feeling it. I think we have all felt these things, especially when you're in the thick of it. I think it can feel really hopeless sometimes and also really lonely. And then as we've talked about throughout this episode, there's a level of guilt that goes along with those feelings. But at the end of the day, it's okay to have those thoughts and feelings.

SPEAKER_01 30:20

Yeah. And I hope that even just typing that out or just getting that out of your brain because your brain is already so filled up with so much stuff all the time. Like, even I just hope there is just even the slightest little relief of like being able to say that because those are things that we keep in and we don't get off of our chest.

SPEAKER_00 30:43

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 30:44

That's why I like journaling so much. If someone were, if someone were to open up my journal and read it, they would be like, this crazy bitch is so unhinged. Like, what is wrong with her? But it really like getting the thoughts out, just that in itself feels a little bit helpful for me.

SPEAKER_00 31:03

I think so many, so much of what I've thought about this year, and again, another topic we've talked about in past episodes about being the village. Like, in order to have a village, you have to be the villager. And we've talked about that and about showing up and how like what she says here about people stop checking in as much and that they're not there to help when the help is really needed. I do find that to be so true. I have talked about that a lot within our own family, um, not just immediate, but like even with my sister-in-law, who has twins and they're just about to turn two, and she's like been in the thick of it and just freaking killing it. But also it's so freaking hard. I see her killing it, but for her, it's really hard. And I think sometimes even us as the friend or the outsider, making a point to check in on our new mom friends, even if they're not new moms, if they have toddlers, even if we know our friend may be going through a hard time, or like even if their behavior changes a little bit and you sense something is up, but they haven't shared it with you, going out of your way to just be like, can I bring you a coffee? Or I'm thinking of you, or like, I want to do this for you, makes a world of difference because when people start to feel like they can rely on you and they can call you, they're gonna start asking for help. And we need more of that. We need more people to feel like they're supported by those outside of their blood relatives because that is how we are all gonna make it through this.

SPEAKER_01 32:21

Right. I also think that this was a great reminder for all of us. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own lives, right? That we don't check in with people as often as we should or like. So I I do really like this reminder. I can think of a couple of people that I know that have babies that it's like, I should check in with them and I'm gonna do that now. So thank you because I it is a reminder. And sometimes we do get a little wrapped up in our own stuff.

SPEAKER_00 32:50

Totally. And I think on that same note, when people do reach out and if you're needing help, let them help you. Because that is something too. I think we all have the tendency sometimes to just not accept the help or support, you know. Like people say, Can I help you? And sometimes they can feel like, oh, they're just probably being nice. But like freaking let them help you. Because at the end of the day, the more you let other people help you, the more they're gonna feel comfortable asking you and having those open conversations. And then it moves past that point of feeling like you're bothering each other and know that it's a safe space to be able to rely and lean on each other. And that really is like how you're gonna move on to that next phase of friendship and relationship.

SPEAKER_01 33:30

And if this person is in near Milwaukee, Wisconsin, please reach out to me because I want to help you. I'll babysit your kids or whatever you need. Please let me know.

SPEAKER_00 33:40

Yeah, if you're in St. Louis, girl, call me. Yeah. Up in my DMs. Like, can we heal us?

SPEAKER_01 33:46

I'd love to be there for you. Me too. All right, confession eight. We have, let's see, we have 10 total. So we are getting there. Confession number eight. I don't feel at home in my body anymore. I know what my body has done, it has given birth to four beautiful children, and I'm so thankful for that, but I don't feel beautiful. I barely recognize myself and avoid mirrors at all costs.

SPEAKER_00 34:13

I think we all can relate to that. I mean, gratitude and grief can exist at the same time. And I think it's okay to feel both. Like it truly amazes me what women go through when we bring humans into this world and it's not celebrated enough. And I do think something that doesn't always get talked about is how disorienting it can feel to live in a body that doesn't feel like yours anymore, especially as we're all trying to find our identity in motherhood. Like, even if you're grateful for what it's done, there can still be this disconnect where you don't recognize yourself and it's a really hard place to be. I also think there's this whole pressure to bounce back or feel confident again. And when that doesn't happen, it can feel really isolating, like everyone else figured out and you didn't. But the truth is, so many women are quietly sitting with this. And instead of trying to force yourself to love your body right away, I think sometimes it starts with just getting comfortable being in it again. I can relate, especially after having my first, I had the hardest time with that, surprisingly, because I feel like so many women, you know, as they've had more and more kids, it gets to be more challenging. But after I had Lily, I freaking struggled for a long time to buy clothes, to know what to wear, to feel good about myself. And I don't know, I think it just took a long time to know that like that body before my kids just is just never coming back. Like does not exist.

SPEAKER_01 35:33

I remember trying on my old jeans after Ada was born, and I was like, why did I just do that to myself? I I learned the second time around not to try on pants that I was wearing before I got pregnant with that child.

SPEAKER_00 35:47

Also, why does nobody tell you that you're not just gonna bounce back into your original pants after having a baby? Like, how long did you wear maternity jeans in postpartum? Because I wore them for a while.

SPEAKER_01 35:57

I wear them for a long time. Leggings, I still prefer like today. I'm wearing linen pants with like a drawstring on them. Like, I'm not a big jeans girly because they're tight and they're not that comfortable. You know those moms, which good for you, but it wasn't me that when they were breastfeeding or pumping, they just lost weight and they were like skinnier than they were before. And I was like, okay, well, not all of us are that lucky. But then you start comparing and you're like, why does she look like this after just having a baby? Why don't I look like that? But it's just the you could compare forever and it's not gonna get you anywhere. Because I think everyone's birth experience and their pregnancies, everyone is so different, every one of them is beautiful, but not physically, usually, just such a wild ride. I mean, my husband still brings up witnessing our first being born. He still talks about it till this day. But at the end of the day, we are superheroes and what we do is absolutely amazing. And I I've tried to switch my mindset of this, like trying to obtain a certain weight number and focus on even just a couple things a week that is moving my body, whether it's like getting outside fresh air for a walk, because I do feel good when I do that. So I've been more focused on what I can do that makes me feel good. And everyone's circumstances are so different too. So what I do might not work for someone else. Just trying to encourage moms, especially this one, to think about what feels good in your body.

SPEAKER_00 37:35

Totally. And I could relate with that, Catherine, about the walking and stuff. The more I did that, like with Hudson, he was born on March 10th, 2020. So, like literally the world shut down. We were in the hospital and the NBA shut down for COVID. So it, my whole postpartum experience with him, I for some reason in the moment equated it to like Chernobyl. I don't know if you watched that HBO show, but it was like the world was ending. I don't know, my mind was like not in a great place. But every day I walked with my kids. And so I would like carry him in my baby carrier, push Lily in her stroller. And I feel like of my three postpartum experiences that made it the least stressful on my body just because I was like actually moving, even though it was hard and it hurt, but it was the only thing we could do because all the parks were closed. Finding ways to connect to your body instead of setting expectations on it can feel a little bit important. Uh I do have a question though. You said, you know, Radstill talks about Ada being born and all that. Did he see her being born or did he stay above? I have to. Oh, he's like, I made him look. I don't know why. I told Adam not to look. He did end up looking, but quick funny story, not to digress, but related to this specifically, with our third, I really wanted newborn pictures. And I told Adam, I was like, I really want newborn pictures this are or not newborn pictures, sorry. Hospital pictures. Like I wanted like the birthing pictures. And he was like, I don't know, I was like, Well, this is our last one. Like, you know, I'm envisioning these like empowering, like you're sweating, you're like pushing out your baby, your husband's right there on your arm, and it's just like this magical moment captured on film. I had all these ideas. Well, Jude came really early, so we hadn't prepared all of that at all. We didn't even have a car seat, like, let alone getting all this stuff set up. I was gonna say, I need to see these photos. Well, we ended up handing my phone to the intern in the room, the single male in the room, the intern who was in his first resident internship situation as a young 20-something. And we were like, just stay above like the belt, girl. If I didn't mind showing my budget all over the internet, I would put it out there as like a what I expected and what I got because it is just like so. I look back at those quite often to be like, okay, I just I did this, this happened, I feel better about myself now, and then it just kind of like, yeah, helps me appreciate a little more. Oh my gosh, that's absolutely hilarious. Yeah, love it. I'll show you sometime in person. I would never text them anywhere.

SPEAKER_01 40:13

I yeah, I definitely need to see one in person. I feel like we've crossed that in our friendship. I will say, so my second was a C-section, and Brad did not see that. My entire abdomen ripped open.

SPEAKER_00 40:25

So love that story. Number nine. All right, confession number nine. I'm around people all day. Kids, husband, coworkers. I have a very full life on the outside, but I still feel lonely in a way I can't really describe. Like nobody really sees me. It's a loneliness I can't describe.

SPEAKER_01 40:42

Yes. I trying to think of how to describe it, but I think that loneliness isn't actually about being alone. It's about not feeling understood. Maybe you are feeling alone, but for me, it's become like this misunderstanding. And I highly recommend listening to a rewriting your own story in motherhood episode that we did last month because I feel like we talk a lot about this in that episode.

SPEAKER_00 41:08

But it's not really about being surrounded, it's more about feeling seen within it. Seen and understood. Yeah, exactly. Like when people really see you for who you are, that makes the most difference, especially as you get older in life and you wear so many different hats. And I think a lot of that comes from how much of yourself you're holding back or filtering throughout the day. You're responding to everybody else's needs, showing up in all these roles, but there aren't as many spaces where you just get to be fully yourself without thinking about how it lands or how or what somebody else needs from you. So you can go an entire day talking to people and still feel like nobody actually knows you in that moment. And I don't think that's something that we talk about, even recognize. And it's also not because the people in your life don't care. It's just kind of that this version of you in this season can be harder to access and harder to express. I think so many of us are really focused on like getting things done, moving forward, being efficient. And sometimes you don't really take the time to integrate um showing up in your authentic way into that. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 42:09

I think that's very well said. Okay, last one, number 10, skin cancer. I have my most surgery on my face in a couple of weeks. I know the odds are good for this one, but I'm worried about future occurrences. I'm feeling like I did this to myself because I use tanning beds way too much in my teens. All I want to do is watch my kids grow up, and I'm scared I won't get to. So for this one, first of all, I'm sending this friend all of the good and healing vibes out there, especially when you do have your surgery in a couple of weeks. I personally, I feel like we all faked baked in our teens because we did not know any better. And I too sometimes go down this rabbit hole and get all of these intrusive thoughts that make me spiral. I think about how I used to do way worse to my body than tanning in a tanning bed and how I do wish I could go back and do things or not do things differently. You know, living in that state though isn't gonna help me or change anything. So all I can do is change what I do now and how I take care of myself now and moving forward because that's all we can do. My dad died of cancer when I was five, and I think about probably way too often about how I hope my kids don't have to grow up without a parent because I know as a kid what it is like to grow up without a parent. So that's something that is a huge fear of mine, and something I do probably think about way too often. But for you, you are taking the steps that you can right now to treat and take care of yourself and your kids are really lucky to have a caring mom that's doing what she needs to do. And I I know this is so anonymous, and I just I hope I'm gonna. The link for these confessions is gonna just stay live because we're definitely doing more of these. I think this is gonna be like a once-a-month thing. And I would just love if you felt comfortable writing back to us in a month or two and just letting us know how you're doing because we are definitely rooting for you.

SPEAKER_00 44:18

I feel for you. And I just wanna say I'm sorry that all this is going on first. And I think that the part that really stands out to me here is just kind of the fear mixed with the guilt. Like, not only are you dealing with something that's really scary, but you're also carrying this weight of feeling like you caused it. And that's a really heavy place to sit in. And I think Catherine's white, we all faked bake the heck out of our skins. I even say sometimes, just like in a joking manner, that a tanning bed and a diet coke would fix me right now because I would literally go spend a lot of time during a week doing that. And we still drink a lot of Diet Coke, though. We'll drink a lot of Diet Coke, but you know, studies have shown that it's actually not as bad for us as we think it might be. So they say. Anyways, I do think though, so many of us can relate to looking back at things we did when we were younger with a completely different lens now. But the truth is you didn't know that. Like you didn't know then what we know now. None of us did. And it doesn't mean you deserve what's happening, it just means you were living in a different phase of your life. I also think that when you become a parent, health scares hit differently. It's not just about you anymore, it's about time and being here and getting to see your kids grow up. And that kind of fear can spiral really quickly. But what does stand out to me, like Catherine said, is that you're taking care of it. You know, you're paying attention, you're going to your appointments, you're doing what you need to do. And that matters so much more than anything that happened in the past. But it's okay to feel scared. Doesn't make you negative, it just makes you human. You're allowed to hold both the fear and the hope that everything's gonna be okay. And it is gonna be okay.

SPEAKER_01 45:49

It's gonna be okay. So those were our 10 confessions that we shared this week. And I think what all of these have in common is this none of these make you a bad mom. None of these mean that you are doing something wrong. They mean that you are in it, the messy middle of real life where things are still unfolding, stretching you, still asking something of you. And if you heard even one of these and thought me too, that is the whole point. You're not the only one. And that's exactly why we are here.

SPEAKER_00 46:21

We've actually created a space for you to share your own messy middle completely anonymously. No names, no judgment, just honesty. I hope the people that shared with us today felt better getting all of those thoughts out of their head because sometimes that's exactly what we need. We'll link it in the show notes and we may share some in future episodes because the more we talk about this, the less alone we all feel.

SPEAKER_01 46:41

We are not here to have it all figured out. Remember, our podcast is called Before We Get It Right. We are here to walk through it with you together. All right.

SPEAKER_00 46:51

We'll see you guys next week.

SPEAKER_01 46:52

See you next week.