Before We Get It Right
Real moms. Real conversations. A safe corner for the messy middle- where moms can exhale, find connection, and the courage to lead with intuition.
Before We Get It Right
Self-Love (But Hear Us Out)...it’s not what you think
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Self-love has become one of those phrases that gets tossed around so much it almost loses meaning. Bubble baths. Face masks. “Treat yourself.” But what if real self-love is actually much deeper — and much harder — than that?
In this episode, Katherine and Leah have an honest conversation about what self-love actually looks like in real life, especially for women and mothers who have spent years tying their worth to productivity, caregiving, achievement, and being everything to everyone else.
We talk about:
- Why self-love isn’t about perfection or aesthetics
- The exhausting inner dialogue so many women live with
- How shame and self-forgiveness are deeply connected
- The pressure moms feel to constantly put themselves last
- The “autopilot” problem and how easy it is to lose yourself in the day-to-day
- Why receiving love can feel harder than giving it
- Small, practical ways to start rebuilding trust and compassion with yourself
This episode is vulnerable, reflective, and deeply human — not a checklist for becoming a “better” version of yourself, but an invitation to stop abandoning the person you already are.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re carrying too much, falling short, or struggling to offer yourself the same grace you give everyone else… this conversation is for you.
Because maybe self-love doesn’t start with becoming someone new.
Maybe it starts with finally being willing to stand on your own side.
Find us @polishedprints and @memle.moms/@cozyhearted or @beforewegetitright on substack!
You're listening to Before We Get It Right. Real mods, real conversations for the messy middle. I'm Leah and I'm Catherine, and this is a space for honesty, not perfection. Before we get it right. Welcome back, everyone, to another week of Before We Get It Right. Thank you for joining us today. Yeah, we're happy to be here. Happy for you guys to be here. So Mother's Day just passed, and I want to start there for a second because I feel like every year Mother's Day it comes around and there's this big celebration of moms, and it's beautiful, meaningful. But I also think there's something that doesn't get talked about enough, which is how many moms spend that day, and honestly, most days giving and giving and giving and not really receiving, but also like not really resting in that.
SPEAKER_01And not really feeling it. Like the day can go by and you're still cleaning up snacks and managing someone else's feelings and making sure everyone else is okay, or like poor Catherine, not feeling great.
SPEAKER_00Yes, getting over a cold, everyone. So if I sound stuffy, that is why. And I'll mute myself to cough. We appreciate you.
SPEAKER_01Um, but it really is easy to just let the day go by, especially if you're in a place where you have parents and in-laws to celebrate with. And at the end of the day, you're like, okay, did I actually feel love today?
SPEAKER_00I mean, that's a really honest thing to admit. And I mean, yeah, don't even let me go down the rabbit hole of talking about in-laws and parents and that kind of thing. You know, the team who's actually mothering team grandparents, you know, on social media, I feel like there's a huge debate about that. And uh, you know where I stand when I say that Leah and I last here for Mother's Day were actually in Scottsdale together. We were.
SPEAKER_01We took a great trip. We had some amazing experiences, and it was not only Mother's Day, but it was also Catherine's birthday.
SPEAKER_00I know I'm really sad that we're not there right now. I know. But, anyways, this leads us right into what this episode is actually about, which is self-love. And I know that phrase can sound almost iron worthy, like, you know, just another wellness buzzword. You think bubble bass, face mask, treat yourself. But what we really want to talk about today is so much deeper and just so much more real than that.
SPEAKER_01True self-love, what it actually means, where it actually starts, and why it's so genuinely hard, especially for moms, especially for women who have spent years making themselves smaller or quieter or more convenient for everyone around them.
SPEAKER_00This one is personal for both of us, and we're going to go there today. And we really hope that wherever you are in your relationship with yourself, whether you feel like you've done a lot of work here or you don't even know where to begin, I just hope that this episode gives you something real to hold on to. Yeah, let's get into it. Let's start by clearing something up because I think the word self-love has been co-oped by a lot of things that it actually isn't. And when the real thing gets buried under all of that, it can be really, it just can feel very unattainable or performative or just like another thing that you're failing at.
SPEAKER_01Right. Because if self-love really was just bubble baths and journaling and getting your nails done, you'd have to think, what would happen if you couldn't afford that or you didn't have time, or you do all those things and then you still feel terrible about yourself. Then the message would become, you're doing it wrong, which really is the opposite of what anybody needs.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. So let's name what self-love is not. It is not aesthetic, it's not a spa day, which I mean, those sound great, and that is a treat yourself day, but it's not that highlighted real version of caring for yourself that you see on social media. It's not even always feeling good about yourself because that would mean it's contingent on your mood or your circumstances or whether you're having a good week.
SPEAKER_01Real self-love, the way that I've at least come to understand it, is more like a commitment, a decision that you make on your own side to treat yourself with the same basic dignity and grace and patience that you would offer someone you genuinely care about.
SPEAKER_00And when you say it like that, I mean it almost sounds simple, right? But the practice of it, actually doing that consistently, especially when you're under stress, especially when you're in a really hard season or, you know, not sleeping well, it's actually one of the hardest things there is. So, Leah, what did self-love look like for you before you really understood what it meant? Like, what was your relationship with yourself before you started doing work on yourself?
SPEAKER_01I think for a long time I thought that self-love meant becoming someone I could finally be proud of. Like, if I just worked harder, looked better, achieved more, kept everyone happy, kept everything together, then maybe I'd earn the right to feel good about myself. And honestly, my internal voice wasn't always kind. It was very much like, you should be doing more. You're behind. Why can't you handle this better? Even in seasons where from the outside things looked successful, I still felt that I was constantly grading myself. I would measure myself against everybody else, other business owners, other moms, other women online, who was more productive, who was more organized, more present, more put together. And the hard part is when you live like that long enough, you stop even realizing how mean you're being to yourself because it just becomes your inner dialogue. I also think that I confused being needed with being worthy. So if I was helping everyone else, showing up for everyone else, producing, fixing, carrying things, I felt valuable. But when I slowed down or struggled or needed support myself, there was so much guilt attached to that, like I had failed in some way. And I think what changed for me was realizing self-love wasn't going to come from finally becoming perfect. It started coming from being able to sit with myself exactly as I was messy, overwhelmed, insecure sometimes, tired, and still treating myself like someone deserving of compassion. Like, you know, it's looking at the whole picture and realizing you're still lovable, you're still worthy, even when you do have flaws, because we all do.
SPEAKER_00What about you? I love that. Okay, so you mentioned productivity, and I feel like mine was wrapped up in productivity. Like I really did equate my self-worth with output. And like you, if I was doing a lot, if I was accomplishing things, you know, checking things off the to-do list, then I felt okay about myself. I was felt like I had to constantly be doing something. But the second I slowed down or things fell apart, or I didn't like reach the goal that I wanted to, then it was this immediate drop into I'm not enough, the whole self-talk of like you said, like I'm not worthy. And I didn't even realize for a really long time that those two things were connected. I was just using busyness basically as a distraction and as a substitute for actually feeling good about myself.
SPEAKER_01You were talking about how the second you slowed down or things fell apart or you didn't hit what you needed to, that all of a sudden you started feeling like it was a reflection of you. And I feel like so many of us do that same thing. And I think, you know, we talk about comparison as the thief of joy, and the internet obviously amplifies that to a whole other degree. And so when you're seeing people like I go back to thinking about whenever you launched Cozy Hearted, and we had a lot of conversations about this because like you put so much time and energy into creating this amazing brand. And it took a little while, right? To like get things going. Like you had reels take off before you ever even got the product in the first place, like viral reels, right? And then you got it, and it like took a while to get to have those things happen again after you actually got the product. And we talked about that a lot because when you're especially in business and you're seeing all these people launch their brands and they're having these like insane product launches, and you're like, what the heck am I doing wrong here? Because like that's not what that's not what's happening to me. And I think it almost goes back to like so many things that we see or expectations we set for our lives are created by what we see around us, and when we are so focused on like we're when a lot of that is on the internet, you know, it creates some unrealistic expectations because you don't know what you don't know.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. I yeah, could not agree with that more. And I think we're all, you know, we're all hard on ourselves. But if self-love isn't a spade and it isn't conditional on your productivity, like where does it actually start? Because I think that's the question, right? People hear love yourself and they think, okay, great, but how? Like, where do I even begin?
SPEAKER_01Well, the honest answer, the one that I don't think it's said enough, is that it starts with forgiveness, self-forgiveness, which is hard and uncomfortable and requires you to actually look at the parts of yourself that you've been avoiding.
SPEAKER_00It's not the fun entry point. Nobody wants to hear that the path to loving yourself starts with sitting with the stuff that you're ashamed of. But I can tell you firsthand that I really do believe that to be true.
SPEAKER_01Definitely. And there's a whole part of this that I heard a lot of people talk about. And it's if you heard of shadow work, yeah. Mm-hmm. Where it is a lot of that. It really is getting to know those parts of yourself that feel really uncomfortable and make you cringe and that you've tried to push down deep or pretend they're not there, but that the more you do that work, the more, the happier you are because you're more content with all parts of yourself. And I think that when we don't do that work, when we skip the forgiveness and try to just layer self-care and positive affirmations on top of it, the shame is still there underneath process guilt, the old stories, the way we've let ourselves down. Background, no matter how live, laugh, love we present ourselves as. And it's very hard to genuinely love something you haven't forgiven.
SPEAKER_00I think of it, it's like trying to paint a wall without prepping it. It might look okay for a little while, but eventually everything underneath comes through. And do you remember this is off topic, but about prepping a wall. Do you remember when I put that beautiful wallpaper up in Elena's room? And the day before I gave birth to her, it all fell down. It was like that peel and stick wallpaper. I did not prep that wall. There's not enough wall prep that went in and it all came down, and I was an absolute disaster. I do remember that. You were very that is a TikTok that did go viral.
SPEAKER_01But it almost should have. Because I think so many of us you have these expectations, especially when you were so so pregnant, so pregnant. It's a good analogy for this this topic here. It is. What do you think women most commonly carry shame around? Like when you think about the women in your life, what are the things that seem to go unforgiving the longest?
SPEAKER_00I do think like a lot of it lives in motherhood, honestly. But I also think it goes back to our childhood. I for me personally, there's shame from when we were younger, and maybe our parents, like their motherhood as well, I think plays a part in it. But when looking at my current motherhood or someone that is currently in it, if there is anything they're currently experiencing, it's the ways we feel like we failed our kids when we lose our patience, the version of a mom we thought we'd be versus who we actually are in the trenches. I mean, I know there's a lot of funny memes out there about that kind of stuff. Um, you know, the mom you thought you were gonna be. I think my favorite's uh Matilda. When it's what's the teacher's name? Miss Honey something. But you're really Miss Trenchable. Exactly, exactly. But in all seriousness, I do think there's some shame around that and also who we were before kids, you know, the choices we made, uh previous relationships, the person that we were in our 20s, or even before that. And like, I don't know, I think it can go all the way back to your childhood.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's a really good point. And I think as women too, we have the tendency to hold so many feelings for other people too, that we just absorb a lot, like we hold a lot, and it's so easy to be able to feel shame if you're not measuring up or doing something in the way that you feel like it needs to be done. And hindsight's 2020. So many times you don't know when it you're in the moment, you you know. And the thing about shame is that it loves darkness, it grows when you don't look at it. The act of actually naming it, even just to yourself, starts to shrink it. Not because the thing you did or said or felt suddenly becomes okay, but because you stop giving it power by keeping it hidden. You know, something that my therapist has done with me before and I've now started to do with my kids, and I've seen on shared on reels that I've like one I had sent to you, Catherine, is that when you do have that feeling of shame, not just talking about it, but actually visualizing it and feeling it, even when you're not even in the moment, when it's not happening currently, because again, it just makes it it loses its power when you take that power back.
SPEAKER_00I'm curious, how do you how do you do that with your kids? Like, how do you approach that?
SPEAKER_01So we talk a lot about my middle, he's really impulsive. He will do things where I'm like, why is this what your where your mind went? Like it's just one of the like he'll you know, hit his brother. Like that's his instinct to just slap someone. And I'm like, but then he feels a lot of shame. Like it's not like he does those things and feels good about it. He has this impulsive behavior and then he feels really bad about himself, and it's really sad to watch. And so we've talked about that a lot. Like, how do you how'd you feel inside when this happened? And if it's happened during the day, then we can talk about it like at night because in a safe space, he knows I'm there to help him. I reiterate that so many times. Like, I'm not here, you know, I'm not trying to bring this up to talk to you to make you feel bad, but sometimes those big feelings inside they can take over. And then we start to listen to them more than ourselves, and that's we have control of that. We don't need to let those big feelings always take over. So that's typically how we do it. And then we just kind of talk through how it felt and where in his body he feels it. Hmm, I love that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Great tip. And I think it comes back to you can't heal what you won't feel, right? And I think shame is the thing we most try not to feel because it is so uncomfortable, because it it touches the deepest fear, which is I am fundamentally not good. Not just that I did a bad thing, it turns into like I am a bad person, which definitely that's you know, and you can spiral when you go down that road.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And I think our generation too, it's great that we have awareness about it and that we are able to talk about these things because I mean, I think so many of us did have moments like going back to what you said before in childhood ourselves that defined how we felt about ourselves, and we felt so much shame for so many years. And then you start to realize that so many other people are carrying those loads too. And I don't remember that ever being a topic of conversation. And my mom was a social worker, so I feel like she was pretty good about that kind of stuff, but that was something that I don't really remember ever having come to, you know.
SPEAKER_00And I think that's why it was so I mean, this is an important topic to talk about even today, because you know, we're in our mid-30s, and I feel like a lot of people still don't talk about it and think of all the years people have been carrying shame with them. Totally.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I mean, I yeah, I know you and I have had a lot of conversations about that too. And it's like when you reflect back on that things that happen whenever you are a kid, you do feel shame still as a grown-up. And it's a terrible feeling. And it's like, okay, if we can just start having those conversations earlier, maybe like our kids don't have to grow up feeling that as an adult as much either. Or you know, I'm sure they will about other things, but maybe not those things. And I think one of the biggest things with all of it for us to tell ourselves as well as our kids, but we all need to hear this too, is that you know, none of us are perfect. And we have to remember that. I think it's really telling ourselves that we are humans, we all make mistakes. We're always going to make more. We're always going to do the wrong thing, even if you know you're doing the wrong thing and then you feel guilty about it. Like everybody does that, right? So it's like looking at your whole self, every part of you, the good, the bad, the in between, and deciding that you are still worthy of love and that you can hold both of those things both in yourself and in others. Very well said. I thought about this a lot. You know this too. I've talked about this exact same thing. I feel like not just for myself, but in the way in which we see other people and like how we can feel safe with friends and just having open conversation with others in relationships because is recognizing that, like, hey, I'm this is a hard topic, but I'm gonna love you no matter what. Like, you know what I mean? I think so many of us do believe like everything we've been talking about about ourselves that if we let certain parts of ourselves out there, we aren't going to be lovable. And that's a really hard thing for people to overcome.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, definitely. Can you share something, Leah, that you've had to forgive yourself for? Um, something that felt big at the time.
SPEAKER_01I feel like there are so many things. Well, pick one. Right. What is the what is the most relevant? Honestly, I think one of the biggest things that I've had to forgive myself for is just not being able to be everything to everyone all the time. I am a people pleaser by nature. I have always been that way. I feel other people's energy so strongly. I feel like it's my fault if somebody is reacting not positively. And then I hold that with me. And I think as a mom, as a business owner, as a wife, as a friend, like that is something I navigate all the time. And looking back, you know, there were so many seasons where I felt like I was failing somewhere no matter what I did. If I was really present at work, I was feeling really guilty about my kids. If I unplugged and focused on my family, I felt like I was dropping the ball in the business or letting people down. And I carried a lot of shame around the fact that I couldn't seem to balance everything the way I thought everyone else could. Like, guys, I have to tell you, this is so ridiculous saying this now. And I feel like this is just a testament to how much I have evolved in the past couple of years. I'm sure you could feel the same, Catherine. But like, I remember a couple of years ago looking at all the things I had to do, and I'd be like, I'm just gonna have to start getting up at like 4:45 in the morning and staying up until like 10:30 and just like structuring my day so specifically to get all these things done and basically just trying to run myself down every day just to accomplish things. And then I realized that life doesn't have to be that way and your worth is not tied to your productivity, kind of like what you said, Catherine. So, anyways, I really had to get to a point where I had to forgive myself for the version of me that really was in those moments just surviving the version that was exhausted and reactive and overwhelmed because when you're running yourself down, you're not kind to yourself or to other people. The mom who lost patience a lot of times. And honestly, the wife who didn't really have anything left at the end of the day was just exhausted. And I think for a long time I viewed those moments as proof that I wasn't doing enough or wasn't good enough instead of recognizing that I was just carrying too much. I think we all have different capacities. And honestly, motherhood has humbled me in so many ways because what it does is it does force you to come face to face with your own limitations. You realize that you can deeply love your kids and be a great mom and still have hard days. You can be really grateful for your life and still feel overwhelmed by it sometimes. All of these things can exist. And I think forgiveness really started happening when I stopped expecting myself to be a superhuman, when I stopped looking at every hard moment as evidence against me. And then I really started to see myself as a person who was learning in real time because that's what all of this is, and that really is what being human is all about. Like, what about you, Kath?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, definitely. I mean, I feel like you said so many things that people can relate to, and it's you know, it's a constant battle, especially in motherhood. And I also think for you personally, when you say like you're carrying too much, you guys literally don't understand what Leah's days look like. I say to her all the time, like, I have no idea how you're doing it. And now, like having the inside scoop, like you're not doing it because when you have too much and you're carrying too much, there's just not enough time in the day to get stuff done. And I feel like, especially in the last year, you've done a really good job at creating boundaries for yourself and you know, saying no to certain things. Or yeah, things might get done a little bit late, but that's just reality, right? And I just feel like this last year, especially, you've done a really good job at creating those boundaries for yourself.
SPEAKER_01Well, and And I also one of the reasons why I feel like I can do that or and have like witness to that is because Catherine has helped me a ton in being able to even feel confident in like doing some of that and physically helped me on the back end of PP a lot. But one of the things that I was gonna mention in regards to that, guys, just on the setting boundaries front, Catherine and I came up with like a really great business idea this morning that we were jazzed about. And I feel like we both did. And then it was a I'm feeling like you said, I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. I can't actually think about this. But not right now. But not right now. And you were like, yeah, we just gotta do this and then that. And I was like, yes. And I think it's even that where it's like, we all of us want things to happen right away. But if you can just put things on the table for a little bit, it also gives you more to look forward to and helps tear your own brain so you can just get through whatever season it is.
SPEAKER_00And that itself is self-love. Absolutely. I mean, there's no way that we're adding anything on to our plates right now, but love the idea for the future. Yes. So for me, when it comes to forgiveness, mine was really about forgiving my younger self. And not to get too deep here, but coming, I mean, I'm gonna be fully honest with you guys. Um, when I was younger, I was not taught how to love myself. And did I use that as an excuse growing up? I absolutely did. Um, I lost my dad when I was five, and I always said that growing up, I definitely had, you know, the quote unquote daddy issues, as they like to call it. I, you know, I was constantly seeking external love, validation, attention, I mean, you name it, but from everyone else. And it was never actually from me because I had, I had no idea there, there was never talk about that at all. And it was basically up until I had that, you know, mentality of needing all of this external validation and attention from other people, mostly males. Basically up until I was in my 20s and I went through this whole self-discovery phase when I was 20, 24 was the year of that. And I'm turning 35 tomorrow. So, you know, that's 11 years ago. But up until that, that is 24 years basically building up of shame that I had to face. And something that I also realized is that when I had to face that shame, I had to tell myself, you know, you don't know what you don't know. I feel like you said that earlier, Leah. And I didn't know how to love myself. So I definitely had to learn. And it's like better late than never, right? But at that time, I really had to take a step back and look at the lessons that I did learn from all of those experiences and how I want to be different as a parent. But the shame and forgiveness are two really tricky and difficult things, and like we talked about earlier, it's uncomfortable to face it, but like you can't heal from it if you don't feel it and face it.
SPEAKER_01Definitely. And I think too, you know, one of the things that I feel like I've learned a lot through our friendship and just, you know, relationships with others is when you think about the things that you've been through or the things that you're you've done that you feel shame about. And then you think about, okay, if Catherine told me she did this and she felt so much shame, would I judge her for that? And nine times out of 10, I feel like if you flip this script, you're not going to be judging somebody for the same things that you did or went through, right? And so I feel like that is a little bit of a grounding moment is to kind of think about how would you feel if somebody else were doing those things. I think we're just so much harder on ourselves than we are on anybody else.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, which I mean, that definitely ties us into what we're talking about next. Yeah, which is judgment.
SPEAKER_01I mean, they're really that is the other piece of this whole thing that I think is really important, specifically the judgment that we hold toward ourselves that we don't even recognize as judgment. Yeah, same say more about that.
SPEAKER_00Like, what does that mean?
SPEAKER_01What I mean is the constant running commentary in our heads, the voice that narrates your day. That was a stupid thing to say. You should have handled that better. Why can't you just get it together? Other people seem to manage this just fine. That voice is judgment, and most of us have it on so loud that we've even stopped noticing it's there. Totally.
SPEAKER_00It's like background noise that you just stopped hearing and you don't realize how loud it is until something quiets it, like a really good therapy session, a retreat, uh just a gentle moment of stillness, or I don't know, or even just a moment of genuine stillness. And it's in those moments that you're like, oh, that's when running constantly.
SPEAKER_01And the thing about self-judgment is that it can be disguised as self-improvement. It tells us that it's keeping us sharp, keeping us accountable, but there's a real difference here between genuine self-reflection and self-attack. Reflection sounds like I want to do better at this, where attack is telling ourselves that we're fundamentally failing.
SPEAKER_00One moves you forward and the other just keeps you stuck in a loop of feeling bad about yourself, which doesn't actually make you better at anything. I mean, it's just gonna make you feel worse.
SPEAKER_01And here's the part that I think is so worth looking at. A lot of us extend so much grace to the people around us. Your kid melts down and you think they're tired, they're having a hard day, they're still learning. Your friend snaps at you and you think she's going through a lot right now. But when you melt down, when you have a hard day, suddenly there's no grace and suddenly it's just a character flaw.
SPEAKER_00Why do we think we do that? Like, why is it so much easier to offer grace outward than inward?
SPEAKER_01I could go into this because I think there are so many reasons.
SPEAKER_00So, two things. One hold on, I'm so sorry. So I think Brad left and Elena is not in her crib. Did he take her with him? I don't think so. So sorry. No, Brad did not take her, and I looked at her camera and she was not in there. She's sitting on my bedroom floor, like playing with toys, which she's probably wondering, like, where is my mom? Because I'm in my closet with the door shut. Oh yeah. She'd probably like wasn't freaking out or anything. She was just hanging out by herself.
SPEAKER_01Of course she is. Oh gosh. Okay. I think for me it comes from believing that if I'm hard on myself enough, I'll somehow prevent failure or disappointment. Like, criticism feels productive in a weird way. It almost feels like you're staying on top of yourself. And I think as women, especially as moms, we are conditioned to believe everyone else deserves care first. So we become incredibly compassionate outwardly, but internally we're operating from performance. Like I can rest once everything's done. I can feel good about myself once I've earned it, which is impossible because the list literally never ends. I know for me personally, I can immediately understand why someone else reacted the way they did. I can see the context, I can see their exhaustion or their stress or humanity. But with myself, I skip straight to the judgment. Like there's very little curiosity there sometimes. And honestly, I think part of it is fear because if I let myself off the hook, then who's keeping everything together? You it almost feel like you're trying to keep yourself accountable when really you're just being hard on yourself. And I think a lot of women end up carrying the belief that if they let go, everything will fall apart, that their value is tied to how much they can hold, manage, fix, anticipate. But what I'm learning is that self-compassion doesn't make you lazy or irresponsible, actually just makes you more resilient because shame does shut people down, as we've been talking about. And Grace on the other side lets people grow. And if that's true for our kids and our friends and the people we love, it has to be true for us too.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, definitely. I think for me, it comes down to this deep belief that I should be further along. Like I've done enough work on myself, I've read enough books, I know better. So when I still fall into old patterns, there's this added layer of judgment for me. And it's like, you know better, and you're still doing this, which sometimes can get exhausting. And I really have to take a step back to be like, you've been here before. This is how we get through it. That is, you know, how you used to handle things, but it's really, I don't know, it's almost like this innate like reflex reaction of how we respond to things. And that's a really hard like habit and pattern to quote unquote fix, you know? Definitely.
SPEAKER_01And that should word, like I should be further along. That itself is so worth examining. Like every time you hear yourself say I should, it's almost always judgment, but with a permission slip. And you can gently start to ask, says who? Who decided that? Is that actually true for me right now in this season? And just get a little bit deeper.
SPEAKER_00That's a good practice, and you should remind me to do that next time I start saying should. Because a lot of our shoulds aren't even ours, they're things that we absorb from our families, from culture, from comparing ourselves to other people, and that they've just been living rent-free as if they're a fact, and they're not. They are not okay. I want to shift here and talk about something I feel like is really at the root of why self-love is so hard, especially for moms. I know we say especially for moms a lot, but that's the topic of autopilot, the way we move through our days and honestly, sometimes our years without ever really stopping to check in with ourselves.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, this one really hits because the days are long and they're full and there's always something that needs done or someone who needs something. And it's so easy to just put your head down and get through it. And you look up, it's been six months, and you genuinely do not know how you feel or what you want or who you are, even outside of these roles.
SPEAKER_00Mom, business owner, partner, friend, daughter, whatever role you are, those are real and they do matter, but they're not all of who you are. And when you never slow down enough to access the rest of yourself, you're gonna start to feel very far away.
SPEAKER_01And this is the quieter kind of losing yourself. It's not always a crisis. Sometimes it's just this slow drift where you realize one day that you've been going through the motions, you've been checking the boxes, but you haven't actually been living your life. You've been managing it.
SPEAKER_00How do you know when you're an autopilot versus genuinely present? Like for you, what does that actually look like, Leah?
SPEAKER_01I think for me, autopilot feels like moving through the day constantly reacting instead of actually choosing. Like I'm answering the text, I'm trying to solve the problems, I'm getting everyone where they need to go, checking the next thing off, but there's not really any space between one thing and the next. And one of the biggest cues for me is that I stopped feeling thoughtful, which sounds small, but it's actually a huge sign for me personally. I'm someone who normally loves the extra touches, remembering something meaningful for someone, taking time to write a thoughtful text, making things feel intentional, creating experiences, being present in conversations. That really is just naturally who I am. But when I am deep in this autopilot mode, all of that starts disappearing because there's just no margin left. Like everything feels like it becomes more about efficiency and survival. And my brain is so full that even responding to people can start to feel transactional. And I hate that feeling because it doesn't feel like me. I also notice I stop hearing myself. Like I'll realize I haven't even asked myself what I need in weeks. I'm tired, I push through, I'm overwhelmed, but I minimize it. I stop creating space to process anything because it feels easier to just keep moving. And physically, I end up feeling it too. I get more impatient, more emotionally numb, more disconnected from joy, honestly. And even good moments, they don't really fully land because my mind is already on the next thing. And I think that's is why this conversation matters so much. I think so many moms are in the same space where they're just functioning at this high level. No one around them even recognizes that they're completely disconnected from themselves. And from the outside, it just looks like they're handling everything, but internally, you just feel like you haven't even fully exhaled in months.
SPEAKER_00Couldn't have said it any better. For me, it's when I stop noticing things, like I stop noticing the small moments with my kids. I stop noticing the beauty of, you know, nature. I stop noticing my own feelings. Everything just becomes very functional. And I don't always catch it right away. Sometimes it takes something really stopping me in my tracks to realize that I've been running on empty for weeks, and then I usually get sick.
SPEAKER_01Our bodies have the way of doing that. And I think the reason this connects to self-love is that if you're never quiet enough to hear yourself, what you need, what you want, what's hurting, what lights you up, how can you love that person? You basically are just a stranger to yourself.
SPEAKER_00Oh, that's such a good point. Self-love requires self-knowledge, and self-knowledge requires slowing down. And it doesn't have to be dramatic, rearrange your whole life kind of way, but in a very small intentional moment that they just add up over time. All right, let's get practical because I think we've done the important work of talking about the deeper stuff, the forgiveness, the judgment, the autopilot, shame. But I also want this episode to give you something that you can actually do. Like our, we love our tangible takeaways, and it's gonna be something that feels real for where you are right now.
SPEAKER_01And we want to say up front, self-love really does look different for everyone. It's not a one size fits all. What fills you up might drain someone else. What feels like rest for you might feel like boredom for your best friend. Part of the work really is getting curious about what's actually true for you. Not the Pinterest version of self-care, not what everyone else seems to be doing.
SPEAKER_00All right, so here are some things for you. Number one, start with one honest question a day. Just one before you pick up your phone in the morning or in the shower, in your car, in the pickup line at school or after drop-off. Ask yourself, how am I actually doing right now? Not how you should be doing, not what you should be doing, how you're feeling, not the answer you'd give if someone asked, like the actual, real, honest answer.
SPEAKER_01It sounds so small, but most of us never ask. We go for days, weeks without genuinely checking in with ourselves. And that one question starts to build a relationship. It says, your inner world matters.
SPEAKER_00I'm paying attention. Number two, notice yourself talk for one day without trying to change it. Just notice it, don't fix it, don't fight it, just write it down or pay attention to it because most people are shocked when they see how they talk to themselves. The volume of criticism, the harshness, the things that they would never say in a million years to their child or their best friend.
SPEAKER_01Awareness is the first step. You can't shift what you can't see. And once you see it, really see it. Something usually starts to soften, not because you forced it, but because you finally heard it.
SPEAKER_00Number three, find one thing you genuinely like about yourself. Not something that you're working on, not something that you're hoping to become, something that is true about you right now as you are, and let yourself actually sit with it for a minute.
SPEAKER_01This can feel unbearably awkward if you're not used to it. We are so much more practiced at naming what's wrong with us than what's right. But the practice of genuinely receiving something good about yourself, not deflecting it, not immediately qualifying it is a muscle and it gets easier.
SPEAKER_00I would like, I don't know, even write it on a post-it note and put it on your mirror or something. It's a great little reminder. We can all come up with one thing we love about ourselves. Definitely.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's not as I feel like it seems daunting when you talk about it, but when you actually sit down to do it, the practice will come to you very quickly. Number four, make one small promise to yourself and then actually keep it. Self-love is actually built around self-trust, and self-trust is built through doing what you say you're going to do for yourself, not for anyone else, for you. So start tiny. Say, I'm going to take 10 minutes to sit outside today and then do it. Not because it's going to change your whole life, but because in that moment you're showing up for yourself.
SPEAKER_00And every time you do that, you are sending a message to yourself. I matter. What I need matters. And the message compounds over time. It really does. And you can start really small. Number five, practice receiving love, not just giving it. This one is maybe the hardest for moms, but when someone offers you something, a compliment, help, a moment of kindness, let yourself actually receive it. Don't deflect, don't immediately redirect. Just say thank you. Let it land. And I know that's easier said than done.
SPEAKER_01Because receiving love is a practice too. And the degree to which we can receive it from others is often a mirror of the degree of which we're willing to offer it to ourselves.
SPEAKER_00Ooh, that's so good. I want to put that on a post-it note.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Let's say it again. The degree to which we receive love from others is a mirror of how much we're willing to give it to ourselves. Number six, give yourself permission to be in process. This whole journey, the self-forgiveness, the quieting of the inner critic, the getting to know yourself, it is not a project you complete. It is a lifelong relationship with yourself. In some seasons, you will feel close to yourself, and some seasons you will feel like a stranger again. And both are okay.
SPEAKER_00There is no arriving. There's just returning over and over and over and over again. I feel like I can't say that enough about coming back to yourself, but the practice of actually coming back to yourself when you've drifted is the work. And it really does count every single time that you do it. And like Leah mentioned, it is like that muscle that you have to just keep practicing.
SPEAKER_01And if you haven't already, you should check back on our grandma hobbies episode that we did last week because there are lots of ways to come back to yourself outside of doing the mental self-love work like we're talking about today, but actual physical things that maybe you enjoyed whenever you were younger and haven't done in a while. So before we close, I do want to take a minute to just speak directly to the moms listening because I think there is something specific to motherhood that makes this work both harder and more urgent at the same time.
SPEAKER_00Hardy because the demands are constant and the guilt is thick. And there's this cultural story we've all absorbed that says a good mother puts herself last. The selflessness is the highest virtue that your needs are secondary always.
SPEAKER_01And that story is so deeply embedded that a lot of moms feel actual guilt for wanting things for themselves, for needing things, for being anything other than fully available.
SPEAKER_00And we just want to say that story is not serving us, it's not serving you, it's not serving your kids. Because I hate this whole cliche of you can't pour from an empty cup, but it is really, it couldn't be more true. And you cannot teach your children to love themselves if you're modeling a life of self-abandonment, which that sounds deep.
SPEAKER_01The most loving thing you can do for your kids in so many ways is to love yourself, to let them see what it looks like to take care of yourself, to have needs and honor them, to rest without guilt, to be a full human being, not just a role.
SPEAKER_00Because guess what? Your kids are watching. And if they're like mine, who is interrupting your podcast episode right now, they are watching and they are listening and they are learning about love from how you love yourself as much as from anything you say to them.
SPEAKER_01And for the moms who are in a season right now where everything feels heavy and you feel like you have lost yourself, guys, you haven't lost yourself. You're right there. You've just been running really hard. You're still in there. You've just been waiting to slow down enough to be able to find yourself again.
SPEAKER_00So let this be your permission to slow down and come back to yourself. If you take anything else from this episode, take this. You are allowed to love yourself. Not when you're further along, not when you're a better mom or a more successful business owner or a different size or a calmer person. Right now, exactly as you are, in whatever season you're in, you are allowed to love yourself.
SPEAKER_01And if that feels impossible right now, just start a little smaller. Start with, I am willing to try, I am willing to be a little gentler with myself today than I was yesterday. That in itself is enough. And that is where it actually starts.
SPEAKER_00Not with perfection, because you know we are not about perfect over here, but with willingness. We're over here cheering for you. We are doing this alongside you, and we are so, so glad that you're here. We're all just figuring it out. I don't feel like we need to end every episode with before we get it right, but it honestly is really true.
SPEAKER_01It is before we get it right.
SPEAKER_00Thanks so much for joining us today. I hope that you guys got something from this episode. We would love to hear from you. We'll see you next week.
SPEAKER_01In the meantime, if you miss us in between these episodes, you can always find us. We both have our own businesses on social media Polished Prince, Cozy Hard, or which which one do you want me to say? I don't know.
SPEAKER_00I have I have too many Instagram accounts right now.
SPEAKER_01Polished Prints or Memway Moms, or you can always check us out on Substack before we get it right.