Fear Finds Faith

 Rhonda DiBiase grew up a Mississippi Delta girl and lives 12 miles from the town where she was born. She was shaped by a mother who never claimed to have all the answers but somehow always knew just what to say. In this conversation, the author of Fear Finds Faith shares memories of a woman who was funny, faithful, a little bit mischievous, and almost always "thoughty." These stories of Rhonda's mother, Linda Baker, will make you laugh out loud and just might inspire you to drop a card in the mail to let someone know they're on your mind. 

Visit https://adaughtersinheritance.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Hello, everyone, and welcome to A Daughters Inheritance, a podcast about the complex relationships between mothers and daughters. I'm your host, Susan Seal, and today I am joined by Rhonda Debios. Hi, how are you? Good. Welcome to our umble studio.

SPEAKER_04 0:48

Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

Absolutely. We have a connection through Rotary. That's really how we kind of know each other. Right. Um I've mentioned before on the podcast that I'm involved in the Startville Mississippi Rotary. And you were district secretary for I was for three years.

SPEAKER_04 1:05

It's a three-year term.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Okay. And then Mark, your husband, was district governor. Yes. He was multiple terms.

SPEAKER_04 1:11

Yes, that's a one-year term. Um, but the guy coming in behind him had some health issues and wasn't able to make all the required training, and so that left a hole. And so they um came and asked him would he do a second term. And oh well, they actually came to me first. I guess they thought I was gonna say no. I don't know. But um uh of course I didn't care, and so we agreed to do a second term. So he's um done a phenomenal job, I think. But I might be a little biased.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

Yeah, yeah. Well, from our standpoint, he's done a great job too. We've crossed paths at uh district conferences, conventions. We were all at uh the Rotary International Convention Last year, Calgary, right? Uh, which was my first one to go to. It was a little bit overwhelming. I was like, this is a lot. Uh and you really get the idea of the the depth and scope of how big Rotary is. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 2:04

I I think I've been to six maybe.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

Oh maybe.

SPEAKER_04 2:07

Are you going to Taiwan? We're skipping this year. Okay. Um, but we've been to uh oh lord, we've been to Australia and um, of course, Houston, Texas, and uh Toronto and South Korea was our first one. And I think I've missed one, Singapore. So we've been um to several and they're fantastic.

SPEAKER_01 2:27

First got there, I read an article about this was the most uh international multicultural event Calgary had had, and I'm like, okay, I remember when the Olympics were in Calgary, so I don't know if that's true, right? And then they went on to say because the Olympics had like 40 or 50 countries represented. Oh, we had like 120. That's true, then we beat them. Yeah. That's true. Right, right. And so you and Mark are retired in living in Leland, is that right? Yes. Leland, Mississippi. That's correct. You grew up in Hollandale, so you didn't go far.

SPEAKER_04 2:58

I did not go far. No, it's the only 12 miles. 12 miles.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

And for those of you don't know, in the heart of the Mississippi Delta.

SPEAKER_04 3:04

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

So you're a Delta girl.

SPEAKER_04 3:06

I am through and through. I was uh born in actually Hollandale, they had a a hospital, Hollandale hospital there. And I was born there and uh then it burned down. So I don't know if I had anything to do with that or not, but um they got rid of it, and so uh but yeah, that's my hometown.

SPEAKER_01 3:21

Yeah, I I grew up in uh Philadelphia, Mississippi, and uh a guy I knew from the Delta, he told me, he said, you know, my mama always told me to stay away from you, hill girls.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

Well, okay. Different cultures for sure.

SPEAKER_01 3:34

Right. So now we have kind of another connection. I started this podcast about the relationships of mothers and daughters, and you are now an author, just wrote a book about your mother's influence, the difficulty of those last months, and how your faith brought you through that. So both of us are approaching that mother-daughter relationship in a little bit different ways. Right. Also, when I get an idea, I just kind of go, you were kind of that way that you you wrote it in two weeks, is that right?

SPEAKER_04 4:03

I did. I um my husband had been trying to tell me I need to be writing uh right after we got married, and of course, you know, I blew that off. And he's oh, you've got all these funny things you say, and you're repeating stuff your mom says is funny. You should write a book, you know, it'd be really good. And I was like, Yeah, you know, and I didn't let it go. And then I met a friend of mine, and I talk about that in the book. I met her, and I finally got to meet her face to face in Montana where she lives. And she was telling me the same thing. She's like, Have you started that book yet? I'm like, no, and there I don't have anything anybody wants to hear, you know, I don't. Um, but that night I actually went back to the hotel and I I just kept thinking of that and I thought, okay, well, let's, you know, let's see. So I opened my laptop and I'm like, now, now what? And the only thing on my mind was the what I just gone through with my mom in uh about a I guess a year or so before. And I thought, well, if I write about this, you know, what what people need to learn something from, and I just don't need to be telling them, you know, a sad story, you know. And so I told the Lord, I was like, okay, well, if I'm supposed to write this book, I'll put it down on paper, you tell me what to say, and then you can do whatever you want to do with it. You know, I was gonna be done at that point. And I wrote it in two weeks. Just poured out of you. It poured. I w I wrote, you know, at night. I was up till three. I was um up at four. I skipped meals, which I don't do. So uh I that was amazing. But um, I got through it and it was very, very traumatic all over again almost. But I got through it and I sent it to my husband and I sent it to my friend, and I'm like, okay, I'm done. And they're like, Oh, did you get through a few chapters? No, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. There it is, I'm done. Um, and so I told her, I said, you gotta give me some feedback or something. And I said, I it can't be perfect, so don't tell me it's good. And so she said, Well, if I had to say one thing, she said, I would say my relationship with my mom was nothing like you're describing you have with yours. So if you would expand on her character, tell me why she was your best friend, tell me why you loved her so much, tell me what made her such a good mom. And I'm like, How do you explain that? I mean, how do you explain your hand? I mean, you know, it's something you've always had. So I was like, Well, this is gonna be a problem. So I just went ahead and um I thought about it and I prayed about it, and I was like, Well, you know, Lord, I gotta get this on paper too. So I took another week and I did my best to describe what made her her. And then I sent it back again. I said, now I'm really done. I'm done, done for sure. And that was that that was it. I went from there.

SPEAKER_01 6:35

What does what did make her her? Let's go back to introduce her to your introduce us to your mom. Who was she just as a person before she was a wife, before she was a mother, what was she like? What was her growing up or her relationship with her own mother?

SPEAKER_04 6:53

Um, I grew up watching my mom have a close relationship with her mother. We lived in the same town. Uh, we were probably a mile apart. We were constantly over there at her house. Uh, we had a ritual when I was a young teenager. We would spend Saturdays over there. And it was the same thing every Saturday. We would go over there for chili cheese dogs and usually a trip to town. And I know that may sound really country, but you know, Hollandale's 30 miles from Greenville, so we would pile up in the car, we'd go to Greenville, and um, and come back and just spend the day with her, you know, and it was for most Saturdays, therefore, a a good stretch. But we spent a lot of time at my grandparents throughout my childhood until she passed away. I think I was about 20 or 21. So I guess that modeled a good relationship with your mom. And I never had any issues with my mom. We didn't fight, even as a teenager, we didn't fight, we didn't do any of that. So I don't, I don't know. She would tell you she was a simple woman. I remember when we were in school, she would tell us, um, now you've got teachers at school. You need to, you know, you need to study, you need to make sure you're getting your education like you're supposed to. But if you have any trouble, I'm not smart enough to help you. I'm not gonna be able to do your homework, I'm not gonna be able, you know, and she would just act like she was just completely clueless. And she said, just ask your teachers, you know, and they they can help you. And I thought I always thought to myself, well, she seems pretty smart to me. You know, she's always answered my questions, you know, whatever question I had. But so she would not, she did not have a an attitude that, you know, she had all the answers. And anytime we would ask her something, like if I had an issue or problem with something, especially as I got to be a young adult and was working, I would say, Well, you know, this, that, and the other. And and she'd say, Well, you know, and I put this in the book. She's like, You know, you just need to pray about it. Just tell God about it, He'll fix it. And I think that was her answer that she never felt like she had good advice to give or that she had all the answers or she could fix your problems. She just always pushed that off. She's like, you know, pushed it to the Lord every time. You're like, you just need to ask him, he'll fix it. So that's what I grew up learning to do. And of course, in church, I saw other people doing the same and you know, learning that prayer works and you got to trust God and blah blah blah, as they say that I know that sounds terrible, but that's what she learned to do. And so then, but when it when it comes down to it, and and sometimes your answer is not what you wanted it to be, then comes the rub. Then's when you got to get boots on the ground. I went to God, and that's not what that's right, and where is he and what's he been doing because he's not here. Okay, mother. That's right. So now what else do you have? Exactly. And but then in my situation, she couldn't talk back to me at that point.

SPEAKER_01 9:42

So you talk about in the book that she had a sense of humor.

SPEAKER_04 9:46

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 9:47

What did she always have a sense of humor? I mean, even like, you know, as a as a girl or whatever stories you might have heard.

SPEAKER_04 9:54

I think so. I think so. She's she's told me stories before when they were kids, how they would get on the phone and call people and you know, is your refrigerator running? You know, all the little silly old jokes they would do. And at one time she told me, she told me they called the local grocery store. And uh, I think I don't know if the the friend of hers lived near the grocery store or something, but they had called just a random phone number in Hollandale and somebody answered it. They told them they won a free um bag of groceries. They just need to come pick it up. And they went down to the grocery store to watch the lady come in. Oh no, oh no. Uh just silly stuff like that. I guess I guess I won't say all kids do. I never did that, but um I just so yeah, she's always had a a great sense of humor. Uh, I remember one time we were at the house, my my sister was probably maybe 12, which that would have made me about seven. Somebody knocked on the door, and we had been at the back of the house, and we were teasing mama that she's an old lady. Well, what was she 30 or something? Yeah, and uh 35, and I was like, You're an old lady, and you know, I bet you can't do this. And of course, we're doing cartwheels through the living room on our way to the front door to see who's knocking on the door. Well, she did a cartwheel right in the middle of the room, and I mean she executed that flawlessly. We were like, Oh wow, so she was a little competitive too, right? Don't tell me what I can't do. She was one of those that she would put you where you needed to be if if your place was wrong. So she didn't have any qualms about that at all. But I remember that being funny. And it's funny that you say, How was she when she was younger? Because I've been going through things at the house, especially with my dad just passing away last week. And I found a letter from 1960, must have been 66, because they got married in 67. She wrote a letter to her future mother-in-law, and it was a simple, just a like we would shoot a text. That's what this letter was. And it said, Hello, my future mother-in-law, something about she'd gotten her pictures back, and she had some to give for of somebody that I don't know, uh, to the mother-in-law. Um, and there was lots of pictures of her handsome fiance, which would have been my dad. Uh he would probably roll his eyes at that comment. But um, and she said, I probably didn't take enough. I probably will never have enough of those, but I have some to give you.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

And this is when they were dating.

SPEAKER_04 12:15

They were dating, yeah. They were engaged, obviously. And she just shot shot that little letter to her mother-in-law, and at some point, um, my mother-in-law lived with us um the first four years of my life before she passed away. And so that that letter obviously got back into our family's hands, and my dad's had it stuck in a Bible, and I found it just the other day, and I thought, That's a treasure. That is a treasure, but it it it showed me a happy young woman excited about getting married, obviously in love with her husband, thought he was cute, taking pictures of him, and I just thought, well, that's a side that I haven't really thought about, you know.

SPEAKER_01 12:58

Did I read that they met on a blind date?

SPEAKER_04 12:59

They did. They did. And their sense of humor and both of them came out in that story because uh they had both told their friends, you know, if this don't work out, we gotta have a code to get out of it. I'm gonna be sick. So that's what she told her friend. I'm gonna be sick. If I tell you I'm sick, I'm ready to go. Well, unbeknownst, my father did the same thing with his buddy. You know, look, man, we're gonna have to get out of here if you know this don't work out. And so that's what they did. But they went on the Demond date and they fell in love, I guess. And a year and a half later or so, they got married. They've been married for 56 years. I think, yeah, 56 years when mom passed away.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

You you said that you didn't have really arguments or difficulties with your mother. Did you did y'all disagree on some things uh at at certain times of your life? Did uh did she was she different with your sister? Did they have the same type of relationship that you and your mom had?

SPEAKER_04 13:53

Um I would say no. My sister and I are not alike. We don't look alike. She looks like my father and I look like my mother. Um our our personalities are we have a few similarities, but we both have a temper, if we're being honest. Um my sister is, I would say, my sister has more of my father's temper. It's sometimes untempered, I guess you could say. Mine, and I've got a good one, um, but mine can be um, I would say over overlaid with a little more of mom's um mom would be more to get along and and find a solution.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

So you you have your dad's temper, but your mom's temperament knocks the edges off a little bit. Exactly. Usually and she didn't get the edges knocked off.

SPEAKER_04 14:51

No, okay, no. Um my sisters did not know. She's she's more hit the button. Now I I find the older I get, my edges are coming back. Um but I I tend to be a little more, I I can take a step back or two, whereas maybe my sister will not. She's just older than me and she's just been through where she's not gonna do that. Um so I try to do that. And I remember, you know, my mom would always say, There's never a call for rudeness. You can say whatever you need to say, but you don't have to be rude about it. And I think of that when I'm mad at somebody or something or or an event or whatever has happened. Um, so I try to take the stance that, okay, I might be wrong here. So I'm gonna like if I'm calling about a problem, I'm gonna give the benefit of the doubt. And then if I'm right, then fine, let's fix the problem. But if I am wrong, okay, well, I called because something was wrong and it was me, you know, whatever the issue is. Uh but getting along with my, we were so much alike. Even with, you know, me having pop's temper, we were so much alike. We just did not disagree a lot. I mean, even growing up, even young, um, I didn't fight with her. I didn't, you know, if we disagreed, then it was just okay, fine, you know, whatever. And I'd usually do whatever she told me to do if it was a discrepanci of that nature, but um, not arguments.

SPEAKER_01 16:10

Well, she knew how to handle your temper probably because she handled it with your dad.

SPEAKER_04 16:14

Yes. Yes. Um, and mine was not as bad as his, and his was not his was not as bad as he got older. He mellowed, you know. And as we got to be adults, it was a lot different than when we were kids. He was very strict when we were children. And I know everybody's parent, you know, everybody says that about their parent, but my dad really was strict. Um he we would go riding around, you know, in a small town, you just ride around from one mile into the other mile end, you know, and that's all you're just off the gas station, get a coke, and that's all you got to do. And he would get in the truck and follow us around. And he would say, No, I'm gonna be riding around town later. And and sure enough, one of your friends will nudge you, you know, when you're talking, hey, isn't that your dad right there? And he'd just drive about like three miles an hour, and I'd be like, Oh, this is so embarrassing. Um, so he was much, much harder to get along with back in the day.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

Well, I mean, I grew up in a small town too, so I know about we would ride around the square and then go out and ride around the pizza hut. So that was that was our Saturday night. Uh good times. That's right. That it really was good times. So I think you know, we miss some of that today.

SPEAKER_04 17:20

It needs to be brought back. Kids are growing up too fast, I think.

SPEAKER_01 17:23

Quite often you see that parents have different relationships with the the different siblings because they're different people. You you can't necessarily parent one the same you parent the other because they're different people. Yes. Did you see that with your mom?

SPEAKER_04 17:38

Um with my father more than my mom, but with my mom, uh like I said, my sister and I are different. She is more of a person that uh holds her cards close to the vest to the chest. She um doesn't really, she's not very a very open person. She doesn't share a lot. Um, she keeps a lot to herself. She grew up doing that. Um and and she's just different. Uh me on the other hand, if I got a problem, everybody's gonna know about it. Because I got a problem. And I'm either gonna talk it out or I'm gonna yell it out, or you know, I'm gonna act it out. Something is gonna, you know, something's gonna go down. But um as far as how mom treated us, I think she treated us the same. I responded to her differently. I could go sit down and talk about it and we could have an hour-long conversation. My sister was not prone to talking them out. So in that instance, mom really didn't have an option. She would be there if my sister ever wanted to talk to her, you know, uh, I think.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

But she didn't try to drag it out of her. No, no, no, no. She knew her well enough that that was a good idea.

SPEAKER_04 18:39

She knew yeah, she knew that wasn't gonna do any good. Um, and I think if my sister had any problems, maybe she could, you know, bring them to mom when we were little kids, and that would that would be a different but but um as we got into teenage years, I don't think her parenting changed, but I think it was more solidified in that my sister was not gonna share her problems. And it is just, you know, it's just the way it was.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

My brother and I were like that. It I remember mother telling other people that, you know, when Sid got off the bus, and he was four years older than me, she would ask how his day was. He started from the time he stepped on the bus and what the bus ride was like, what the first class he had was like, what recess, I mean, you know, uh his whole day.

SPEAKER_04 19:22

Right.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

And then she said, Well, Susan, how was your day? Fine.

SPEAKER_04 19:25

That's okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:25

Mine was fine. I mean, it was nothing to do, it was fine.

SPEAKER_04 19:29

Right. It's the same old day.

SPEAKER_01 19:30

It wasn't like I was hiding anything.

SPEAKER_04 19:32

Right. Oh, that that's sunny. Well, when we were when we were little, my mom um babysat. And at one point she had nine kids in her house. And um so we grew up with her being right there until my sister was in first grade. Well, until I started kindergarten, actually. When I started when I started kindergarten, mom got a job outside of the home and stopped babysitting. Uh so at that point we were latchkey kids, as they say. And of course it's Hollandale, you know, everybody knows everybody. And so we'd ride home, uh, get home from school and she only said an hour and a half till they got home. And uh but we didn't we didn't have any troubles, I don't guess. We didn't have to worry about anything and um, you know, we could run our neighbors if we had any issues, but we just bummed around the house and you know, we did our tours as parents expected, and we just didn't I don't know, we didn't I I don't see any difference in that regard.

SPEAKER_01 20:28

I was listening to a podcast the other day and the lady was talking about how she doesn't feel like that she has to be with her kids 24-7 and be in every single thing that they're doing. Um she said I you know, my mother didn't raise me that way.

SPEAKER_02 20:45

Right.

SPEAKER_01 20:45

You know, she let me be me and I was able to grow up. And I also knew that there was a neighbor right there if I needed something. And you know, some of that maybe small town that we we I mean, my neighbors were my my grandparents and my cousins, and you know, some uh it it uh I think we do miss some of that.

SPEAKER_04 21:04

I think we do someone's got out of hand. It has, but ours were not literal family, but they were like family. Sure. Um I remember the lady across the street had a couple children, and anytime we got sick, I guess my mom being a new mom, I guess, um, she would go right across the street to this lady, and she would, you know, this, that, and the other, and what's wrong? Oh, it's probably this, you know how they just shared it's always this. And we had a fantastic drug, uh, a pharmacist at the drugstore, and we could go in there, of course. You know, we were poor, we didn't have a whole lot of money, and she'd take us in there first. He she has this, she has that, and he'd be like, Why don't you try this? Or if he thought it was serious, he'd be like, Miss Linda, you need to go ahead and take her to the clinic, you know, take her, blah, blah, blah. And so mom would do whatever they told her, you know, and and we were fine. But she never ever lied to us. Never lied to us. We could be going to get our leg cut off, and she would tell you, You're about to get your leg cut off. I mean, literally, I remember we would we you Pull out on the highway and you go all the way through town on the same road and take a left. The only time you took that left down there is if you were going to the clinic. We didn't have any other reason to take that left down there, and we'd be going and we'd think maybe we're going to the drugstore, you know, to get some bit. And take that turn, we'd start crying. I'd start crying. I don't know what my sister did. I was like, I did not want to go. And she would just sound, Well, Mama, what are they gonna do? Well, I don't know. Are you my good shot? Well, you might. She wouldn't say no. Be fine. Was it gonna hurt? Well, it might. I mean, she just literally, she wasn't gonna lie for nothing.

SPEAKER_01 22:31

For those of you listening, Rhonda does have both of her legs.

SPEAKER_04 22:34

I do. It's a wonder, but I do.

SPEAKER_01 22:39

Uh, so you tell a story in the book about uh going to the grocery store and that you would always put the eggs on the top uh the top section of the buggy. We called it buggy. Yeah. For those of you that don't know, the shopping cart. Um and then you put the bread on top of the eggs. Right. We did that same thing. Really? My mother, if you squished the bread, that was a horror. Yeah, well, absolutely. And if you got home, we'd get the king-size sunbeam, and if it was smashed on one, well, it's just the whole thing's just ruined, every the whole shopping trip was ruined. Yeah, so I I re I I connected with that uh as well. So uh you got her sense of humor. Yes, I did. Uh and and the reason I say that, because I I love how uh at the very beginning of the book, the little quote that you start with, it says, To my mama, who told me to never show anyone the picture of her wearing her blue straw hat that I included in this book.

SPEAKER_04 23:48

I remember taking that photo. We were driving down Old 61 south of Leland to my house, and I don't know where we had been, but I was driving, and for some reason she was in the back seat, and I don't know what that was about either, because usually she's right up front with me, so we must have dropped somebody off or something, I don't know. But she was in the backseat. And my that's actually uh our we shared that straw hat, I guess, but it was in the back seat. She had was fumbling around back then. I glanced in the mirror and she had put that hat on, and I started laughing. I said, Mom, what are you doing? She said, I know I look cute. Of course I laughed because she did look cute, I thought. I said, Mama, let me take your picture. Don't you take my picture? I said, Mama, just let me take your picture. So she just sat there, put that smirk on her face, and I took her picture. I said, Oh, this is hilarious. And she said, You better throw that thing out. I said, I'm not, I'm not throwing it out. You better throw that, don't you leave it on. Don't you show that picture to nobody. I said, Okay, Mom, I won't show it to nobody, I'll keep it. And that was a big lie because I put it right in that book. Everybody in the world can see it. It's funny, I had a friend of mine uh get a copy of my book, and she sent me a message and she says first thing she did when she read that is she split them thumbed through the book to find the picture.

SPEAKER_01 24:53

Oh yeah, I did too. I was like, what is this picture? I gotta uh I've gotta see it.

SPEAKER_04 24:58

She was a hoot.

SPEAKER_01 24:59

Um, because you you talk of some of the the antics that you and your sister did also with her. So y'all did a lot of prank. My dad was a prankster. My mother wasn't so much. I mean, she was funny, uh, but my dad was a prankster. He would he would do things, which is funny because he was very serious, introverted. He had just a a few friends, but he he was he would do pranks and stuff. But y'all did.

SPEAKER_04 25:24

We did, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:25

To to your mother.

SPEAKER_04 25:27

Oh yes. She was a uh easy target. Since we sent spent so much time at the house, you know, um, that she was just she was just fun to pick on. And she was a good-natured too, so she never got mad about it. No, no, I don't remember her ever getting mad about anything, but we would we would uh play jokes on her on occasion. But that that I talked about in the book was just really funny. She was trying to watch TV, and in the summer in the south, you know, the doors are open, fans are on, and uh we should have been outside, but we were bored, you know, we didn't have nobody to play with, we didn't go outside. And she kept telling us to be quiet. We'd just go up there and be just talking, and you could she couldn't hear a thing. And so anyway, she's like, Y'all go to your room. I can't hear TV for nothing. And I won't well no, no, go to your room. I'm trying to watch. So we were like, fine. So we trudged off to our room, you know, and my sister said, Watch this. She went to the door and shut the door and threw the windows open. Help, help. And I started laughing. I said, What are you doing? She said, Well, just mama will hear it. Help! My mama's holding us hostage, and she's just dragging her words at you. And I mean, well, that was just hilarious to me, you know. We started giggling, and I mean it wasn't a minute and a half. We heard her shoes come down that hall, and she threw that door open. If y'all don't shut that hollow up, and we just fell over laughing. Of course, she got tickled too because we're just in there giggling and she let us out, but she said she definitely set us outside that time. We didn't even get a chance to get back to the living room to interrupt her.

SPEAKER_01 26:54

So, did you ever get in trouble?

SPEAKER_04 26:55

Yes, we got in grand trouble. We had been outside and we had a milk carton. I don't know where we got it, and I don't know how we cut the lid off, but we had a milk carton and we had uh dead grass in it we dragged out of the ditch. And my sister like a gallon jug. A gallon milk jug, and and we had some kids in the neighborhood. There was always kids at our house, always. Um, and so there's some kids at the house, and we had a car parked on the side of the house. We went on the other side of this car and put that dried grass in that milk jug. And my sister had uh matches or a lighter. I don't know what, I don't know which, but and I don't know where she got it, but she had it for somewhere. And we lit that match and then lit that grass on fire, and we come around, we were pretending we had lit that m fire by magic. We was out there playing with those kids with matches and I don't know why. I mean that was the silliest thing. But anyway, we come back in the house after all that was over. The kids went home, you know, a few hours or so later, we come back to the house. My parents were sitting at the table. Well, we trudge in like nothing's happening, you know. My sister went over there and sat down and I leaned on the table beside my mama. I said, What are y'all doing? And before I could get that mouth that words out, she reached over and she grabbed a handful of my hair. And of course, when I was little, it was always down to my waist. She just wrapped her wrist in my hair and just yanked me over to her and and put her nose in my hair and took a big old like that. And she went, oh my Lord, and pushed me away from her. She said, What have y'all been doing? Y'all smell like smoke. Well, that perked my daddy's ears up, and I was like, uh oh, we're in trouble now. And Lauren said, We ain't been doing nothing, and I was like, Nothing, you know, and you can't hide smoke in your hair. And to this day, I can't stand smoke in my hair. But my daddy came up from that table and what are y'all kids doing? And we ain't doing nothing. Well, we got in trouble. And not so much for playing with the matches or the light or whatever it was, it was for lying. We got in trouble for lying. And and we got in trouble good too. He got both of us and sent us to our room, and we got a whipping, and you're not gonna tell a lie, blah, blah, blah, you know. So we didn't do it too much. I don't think we uh I don't think I ever did it again to get in trouble for lying. And if I did, nobody figured it out, but we didn't you didn't play around with daddy.

SPEAKER_01 29:07

Daddy didn't say was he always the disciplinarian or did she Daddy?

SPEAKER_04 29:12

If we got in big trouble, it was through Pops. Yeah. Pops didn't play when he was younger. Um, but my mom, I my I don't think I recall my mama ever whipping me for anything. Now, that don't mean she didn't discipline you. She had some looks.

SPEAKER_01 29:28

It doesn't mean that you didn't deserve it either, right?

SPEAKER_04 29:30

That's true, too. I'm sure I deserved all of mine. But I remember when when she was little, I mean when we were little, we'd go to the store with her or whatever, she would tell us where you even got in the store. I'm sure every kid in the South, I'm sure most kids got this. We get in the store, you better do what I tell you to blah blah blah. We always got that lecture, you know, before we go in the store. But if we got in there and something got we got distracted, we started acting like kids do, you know, when they're not paying attention and all this stuff. She would come up and and grab a hold of us, whether usually by our arm, she'd get us by the arm and she'd lean down in our ear and whisper, You're gonna stop doing that. I'm not gonna tell you again. Don't make me take you outside this door. Do you understand me? She would always finish her threat with, Do you understand me? And what and you know, what is the other answer? But yes, ma'am, you know, that's the only answer you got. But the worst part, not the threat, and that we had to stop what we were doing. The worst part was our ear was so wet because she was just whispering in it, you know, and you're like, oh, you're trying to, you know, get your ear. And so we'd be wiping our ear out, yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, you know, just to get her to stop, let us go and get out of our ear. Uh, but we would usually stop. And and she had the same, she had the same disciplinarian style in church, only it was a lot more subtle.

SPEAKER_01 30:46

So she had a look.

SPEAKER_04 30:48

Oh, yes. I think all parents have that look, but she they sat on like the fourth or fifth row. Well, you know, we ain't gonna sit up there. We're in the back with the kids. Yeah, usually the preacher's kids, right? Yeah. So we're at the back. And uh, I remember one time in this truly, and I don't remember which kid it was. We had several preachers, but it was the preacher's kids back there with friends of theirs and us, we were all back there, but it was the preacher's kids back there being loud. And my mom, you know, you heard it, and you when you could, she just slightly turned her head. And I mean, my sister and I sat up even straighter. We were not so help me goodness, we were not in it. We were being quiet because we already knew with that noise going on behind us, we better be acting like we knew what we were doing because they were gonna be paying attention, we were gonna get in trouble with the mix. So we were just sitting, oh my goodness, yeah. Well, these kids need to be quiet, you know. How do you get it moved around in church? Because you don't do that either, you know. You don't get it moved around in church and disturb anybody. So we were just sitting there still as statues. Well, they got back there and they got a little louder and they made more noise. So my mom just all she did is raise her arm up and drape it over the pew behind her, snapped her finger, snapped her finger one time and made a motion with her finger. And we got up like we were on puppets on strings. We got up, we walked back up to wherever she had sat down in the pew behind her, right behind him. She turned around, didn't say another word. And we were like, Oh, we were sweating bullets. And we're like, oh my gosh, we are gonna get in so much trouble. And it was not us. We were already trying to prepare. Yeah, it was so-and-so, you know, this, that, and this stuff. As soon as the car door shut, as soon as we got out of the church, threw everybody by, have a good door, blah, blah, blah, and got in the truck, shut the door. Mommy, it wasn't us, we didn't know, you know, we just immediately started labbing on whoever it was. And she's like, I know, I know, I know who's back there. I could tell by the voice who it was. She said, but I didn't want y'all back there. She said, because somebody else might think my kids were in on it, and I didn't want them thinking my kids were back there misbehaving. She said, So the next time you're not back there anymore. We're not even gonna do that. You're gonna sit right behind us. So from there for a long time, we had to sit right behind them in church. It's so boring.

SPEAKER_01 32:51

Now, my mother would use the wait till your father gets home. Oh no. Did she did she ever she ever use that as a uh she didn't have to?

SPEAKER_04 33:02

She didn't know. She took that on herself. She would tell us, stop doing that.

SPEAKER_02 33:05

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_04 33:06

And then, you know, okay, we did again. And she said, I told you, stop doing that. Well, if she had to tell us a third time, it didn't matter if you stopped. You could stop and fix what you did wrong. It didn't matter. If she moved, you were in trouble.

SPEAKER_00 33:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 33:19

She got up and she either tore us up or put us where we needed to be, and that was the end of it. But no, she didn't ever threaten us with daddy.

SPEAKER_01 33:28

My dad had a a temper, not horrible, but he had a little bit of a temper as well. So that that usually worked because we did not want and he traveled a lot, so it was a a little bit of longer term threat because you know it's Tuesday. Oh, yeah. He's not gonna be home till si you know, Friday night.

SPEAKER_04 33:44

Maybe she'll forget about Yeah, no, she didn't wait on that. She she went ahead and doled that out herself.

SPEAKER_01 33:51

Uh were there some things that when you look back at your mother's life and maybe how she acted or reacted that you understood more as you got older? I know, like for me, I was looking back at certain times of my mother's life and it was like, oh, she was that age when that was happening. Makes more sense, put it in perspective.

SPEAKER_04 34:14

Um I know that when her mother passed away, she had a stroke and it was three months before she passed away. And during that time, I like I said, I think I was about 20 or 21 when my grandmother when my grandmother passed away. So I would drive with my mom to Ruston, Louisiana, uh, to the rehab facility my grandmother would wound up in. And it's different when you watch your parent trying to take care of a parent. I mean, that's something new, you know, you're not used to that. And I could see the strain and the stress on her. So me not having any experience with that, I would try to relieve some of her stress. So driving her there, I felt helped. Um because, you know, my dad had other stuff to do and couldn't always go, or maybe didn't want to go, or couldn't go as often his mom might want, maybe wanted to go. So I would drive out there, and like I said, we got along so well, you know, it was just a road trip for us and and it was something I felt I could take off her plate. So I would do that. And and then the other the other thing is she I don't know, it's kind of hard to it's kind of hard to explain knowing what I know now about being an adult, uh being a married adult, I mean, I can see where some of the things that she would do that I I didn't agree with, and I was surprised. For instance, if she and Pops got in an argument about something, I would be in the bedroom going, she needs to do though, she needs to say this. I'd be out there, you know, and I was just like full bore. I was ready to go toe-to-toe. And I've gone for toe-to-toe with pops before, so you know, I was ready. Um, but she would not on every occasion, she would not. Sometimes, a lot of the times, she would just let it ride or not really have a lot of a comment, not really have a lot to say. She just let the argument die down, you know, and he'd go outside and cool off, you know, and she whatever. And I always thought, man, I ain't doing that. I ain't nope, I'm not having that. I would not, yah, yah, yah. So here I am getting married at 40 for the first time. And of course, you know, Mark's fantastic. I'll give him that. But of course, we argue. He's type A, he's O C D. He is used to, you know, steering his own ship, and and he does an excellent job at it.

SPEAKER_00 36:42

Is he like your dad?

SPEAKER_04 36:44

Does he like dad?

SPEAKER_00 36:45

Is he like your dad?

SPEAKER_04 36:47

Not necessarily. They're uh they're both the fix-it-type people, you know, that pop's grew in the era where you fixed everything. Mark can fix whatever I bring him, he fixes. Um so in that regard they are. And they're they take care of their tools and stuff like that. Uh that's a another thing they have in common. And and they're smart. Now, now Mark, Mark is double-majored um in computer systems and in electroengineering. And I tell him all the time, Mark, I can't believe you said that. That's the stupidest thing you could say. You can't play the stupid card because you're double majored. You know better, you're extremely intelligent, and it just makes you look ridiculous. It makes you look like you don't have a good comeback because I'm not buying the stupid card. So go try something else. And so I keep him on his toes, I think. Uh, and Pops was smart in his own way, maybe not so much book smart, but in trade skills, in in you know, common sense, that sort of thing. So they're alike that way. Um, but uh she just would not really argue like I would want her to argue. But now that I'm married, I can see the value in sometimes just letting it go. Now I'm still struggling with it because you know I like to go toe-to-toe myself. And uh, and sometimes Mark Mark and I will be, you know, he'll say something, I'll say something. He'll say something, I'll say something. And then finally he'll turn around and say, Is it my turn again? And that I think that's his way of just diffusing the whole thing because it is funny, and you know, and so we do that on occasion, but um, I I'm beginning to see how the maturity of, you know, at that point, probably, you know, 35, 40 years of marriage is is a lot has a lot more experience than my 12. So, but uh I I ain't learning all those lessons, so I'm still gonna did watching her with her mother help you in those last months with her, seeing how she responded?

SPEAKER_01 38:37

Was that kind of a model for you?

SPEAKER_04 38:39

It was, and I would say uh not necessarily a model on that situation, but a character trait that she had. She was a caring individual, and she would do what she could for others, regardless of who or what the situation might be. She just was that type of person. And I hope to say I'm that type of person. I try. Uh sometimes I feel like life gets in the way, and I don't get to keep in touch with people or do for people like she used to, like I feel like I want to. But then I would just need, you know, like a list of I want to keep in touch with these 85 people and I want to send this one something because I thought of that. You know, it's just impossible. Life doesn't let you do that. But um she was a very, as as she said, I think it was her I think it was my mother, my my dad's mother used to say, that person is very thoughty. And my mom picked that up. And so as I would say, mama was a thoughty person. She always put someone else's needs, you know, in the forefront. So I hope that I can be that way one day. Who knows?

SPEAKER_01 39:39

So let's let's talk a little bit about what you cover in the book. Okay. Um that stage, not necessarily what you cover in the book because people need to get the book, right?

SPEAKER_00 39:48

That's all right.

SPEAKER_01 39:48

Um, but let's talk about that time. I would love for you to read the first part that leads us into it. Okay. Because it kind of sets the stage, it kind of is the point where things change.

SPEAKER_04 40:00

Okay. Uh, chapter one starts. Are y'all home? Mama asked. Her voice was off. Something's wrong, said that little voice in my head. She didn't have to say anything else for me to know. Ask her what the doctor said, the voice nudged. It was accompanied by a little zap that shot through my central nervous system. A tiny shot of adrenaline that served as a warning something was wrong. Maybe bad wrong.

SPEAKER_01 40:28

So you didn't know what was coming, but you knew something was coming.

SPEAKER_04 40:33

She and I were so in tune. I knew something was wrong just by the look on her face. And the six the circumstances. I knew where she had just been that afternoon, and I knew for her to call and see if they could stop by. You know, I it's just little little things. I it was just adding up, and I was like, mm-mm, this ain't right. Something, something's going on. She thinks she's sleep, but I know better. She's up to something. And it was it was how to tell me. That was what she was up to was how was she gonna tell me that she'd just gotten some bad news and and it was eating at her. And she probably what had only known an hour. But the first thing she did is come to us and and I could just tell by looking at her. Of course, she always told me that she could tell me the same thing. She could look at me and say I looked off or peek it or tell by the sound of my voice.

SPEAKER_01 41:22

And yeah, I was gonna say it was almost like you switched roles right there. Because a lot of times it's the child trying to figure out how am I gonna tell my parent this.

SPEAKER_03 41:29

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 41:30

And they already know something's up just be by the tone in your voice or whatever. And so it was kind of like a roll.

SPEAKER_04 41:36

Um a role reversal. And when she told me what the doctor said, I just knew I just knew that already. And so she had lupus since when she was about uh 46 or 7 or so, she'd had it for almost 35 years and lived fine with it, this you know, on medication. And um, they just kept kept up with her every three to six months, and uh medication did a really good job. You didn't know she had it unless she told you, so she had the myelkine, but her doctor was phenomenal. I mean, that was a god thing on how she got there, and uh the lady would just not uh push pills at her. You know, she gave her a regimen of pills, and as mom's symptoms calmed down, she took all that off. She took as much off of it as she can. You know, then none of that's good for the liver. So she took as much off as she could, and then if a flare-up would happen, she would say, Well, increase this a little to for this next month or two and then take it back down. And so mama learned to actually medicate herself as far as flare-ups go. Um, but yeah, she had it for a long time, long time. And then that was it.

SPEAKER_01 42:43

What was the time period between the zap of when you you knew something was wrong and she came and told you um to when she passed away?

SPEAKER_04 42:53

I was about the end of February, first of March, somewhere along in there, that she stopped by and told us what the doctor said. And I took her to the hospital October the first.

SPEAKER_02 43:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 43:04

So about eight months or so in there. And she was just all summer. You know, you could tell something's going on, and she's not well, her blood pressure up and down, the swelling in her leg, she can hardly walk, she can hardly wear shoes, and she just didn't feel right. And just like she could tell by me, I could tell by looking at me, I could tell by looking at her, she just didn't feel good. And um, it was hard. That last year was hard. We did a lot of traveling that year. I mean, since Mark and I have been married, almost we've been traveling all over the place, but it was difficult that year. Uh, not necessarily. I look back now and I feel sadder now that we travel so much. But at the time, I mean I knew she was sick, but I guess I had a little more faith that the medicines and the doctors were, you know, doing what they could, and you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know what I could have changed if I'd have been at home, I'd have just been sitting. Looking at her because she'd have looked the same and done the same. You know, we couldn't can't.

SPEAKER_01 44:03

And she wouldn't have wanted you to sit there and Lord, no.

SPEAKER_04 44:06

That's why she didn't tell me half the stuff was wrong with her. Because she didn't want me to change my schedule. And I'm like, Mom, yeah, I can do this or that. No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. They both just lied. Her and Pops both never gave me the true story on anything.

SPEAKER_01 44:19

So see, and that that you said, you know, that they telling the truth was a big thing for her. That was that compassionate line. That's exactly when uh when my mother was uh in uh assisted living, the dementia assisted living, they talked about the compassionate line because we told her she was in Philadelphia, she was in Columbus at the assisted living there, but she did she wanted to be in Philadelphia. That was where her heart and soul was. Yeah. So they just oh yeah, we're on the fork road in Philadelphia. You know, it calmed her.

SPEAKER_04 44:47

Well, and that's really what's important. Um, but and that's what she was trying to do to me is make sure I wasn't worried about her. But you know, she really didn't tell me, I didn't say, Mom, how are you doing? Oh, I'm fine. She really didn't lie to me. It was more just like I was telling in the book, uh, Mom, how you doing? And Pops would say, Oh, your mom's okay, she got a headache. Well, yeah, she had a headache all right. But you know, but it was Pops would say something. So she would just back out of the situation altogether to avoid lying, I'm sure, because I would have drilled down and been like, wait a minute, get on the phone, I want to hear your voice. You know, this text ain't working.

SPEAKER_01 45:17

But but y'all still used hoop humor even during those very difficult times.

SPEAKER_04 45:20

We did. Yeah, morbid humor. But that's a natural thing. I think it helps, it's a coping mechanism. Exactly. It is a coping mechanism, it's uh you fall back on the humor. Um, but you know what else you're gonna do? You have it's either laugh or cry, and nobody wants to cry. And it was sad enough anyway, and and she just looks so sad, and that's what broke my heart is the fact that I couldn't fix her. I'd always been able to make her happy. We could do something, I could lift a burden or you know, do something, or but no, I couldn't fix that.

SPEAKER_01 45:56

And she knew. You think she knew?

SPEAKER_04 45:58

I think she knew, yeah. I I think I think when she was diagnosed and read up a little on it, and then just you know, she was done. And and then we went, we had so many fantastic years, and that's that's a blessing. We had all those years, but at the end, I think when she got that diagnosis, I'm sure it would come back to her that this is how it the end begins, you know, and I and I think she knew, and I really think again, hindsight's 2020. I really think when she got that diagnosis, she thought to herself, it can't be fixed. There's no cure for lupus. Uh, and once your kidneys start going, then you can't fix that either. Dialysis would maybe prolong it. But um, you know, I I think she just was ready right then. I I know, I know she was not ready to leave us, but I think the other half of her, she knew if it was that was it, that was it, you know. And and that's how I think she looked at it. But she just looked sad to me.

SPEAKER_01 46:59

You you've talked about that you got her humor and some of her temperament. Uh what other inheritance did she leave you that you hold on to?

SPEAKER_03 47:24

I would hope, like I mentioned earlier, to maintain those friendships that you have. I have found so many stories after she passed away from people. A lot of them are relatives, some of them are just neighbors, some of them are people that I didn't realize mom kept in touch with. And they're like, I miss your mom so much.

SPEAKER_04 47:53

She used to text me happy birthday every year. Well, I didn't know that. You know, I had a cousin that texted me, she said, I regret not telling your mom how much she meant to me, but during my teenage years, she let me stay at y'all's house a lot, and it that's the only thing that got me through. And and then the neighbor with the with the with the neighborly things that mom would do and how they took care of each other. And and you know, I mean, I'm thinking to myself, well, my mom's fantastic, so I, you know, I'm not surprised anybody loves her because she she's just great. But when you hear those little things that she as a woman did in her spare time to make sure somebody else's day was, you know, clad or something. So not only is she keeping me going, you know, because we're all we were always on the phone, she's taking the time out to do other things. She would send cards to people just random, you know. I I heard this or I'm look thinking about this or something. And and and I I want to do that. I hope I want to be that kind of friend.

SPEAKER_03 49:04

Because she was great. And I miss her.

SPEAKER_01 49:12

So that's the inheritance that you're passing on.

SPEAKER_03 49:14

Yes, I hope so. I want to. I want to be somebody who brightens somebody else's day with just something random out of the blue to let somebody else know I'm thinking about them, or or something I ran across made me remember something that we did or shared, or you know, something like that, because she would she would she wouldn't even mail me cards.

SPEAKER_04 49:41

I mean, if I if I called her and told her I got a problem about this or a problem about that, or you know, something went wrong at work or whatever. And the next day or two, this card would show up in the mail. I mean, we saw each other two or three times a week sometimes. This card would show up at the mail. Hi, my baby, I'm thinking about you, you know, da la la, and you know, whatever she's like.

SPEAKER_01 49:57

But cards are different, and I, you know, there's something special about getting a physical card. I think even especially maybe today when we just text all the time. We don't send birthday cards, we just text happy birthday or say it on Facebook. Exactly. But there's something special about that.

SPEAKER_04 50:11

Well, that's true, and it just it lets you know that somebody took at least 10 minutes to drive to the store, go in, pick out a card, come back, write it out, put a stamp on it, you know, put it in the mail. I mean, you that you just don't snap your fingers. And I think that it shows just an extra level of thoughtiness. I want to be thoughty. Thoughty. That's right. That's a great word.

SPEAKER_01 50:34

My mother has uh, and I don't know what to do with them because I I I don't really want to throw them away, but there's boxes and drawers full of cards. Birthday cards, Mother's Day cards, all the cards that that I sent her, my brother sent her, um, you know, friends. I'm like, what what do I but they were special to her thank you? And so it's hard to hard to know what to do with those.

SPEAKER_04 50:58

Oh listen, since Pops just passed away last week, I've now got all of their things at my house. And I've got cards. I think Pops was worse than her on keeping cards. I have boxes and boxes and boxes of pictures and cards. And and I thought, what am I gonna do with all this? You know, I can't I can't keep it. I mean, it's there's no need to sitting in a box not being seen or used or something, but I know what you mean.

SPEAKER_01 51:30

They just they just they mean something to you and they make you feel better, but that's not so if anybody has an idea of what to do with boxes and boxes of greeting cards, please let us know.

SPEAKER_04 51:42

Exactly. You know what would be cute? You know how they take these t-shirts of somebody you lost a loved one, take the t-shirts and make them quite quilts out of them.

SPEAKER_01 51:47

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_04 51:48

I'm thinking a collage of the cards. Of the people that, you know, really meant something to you or or, you know, um an event, like all the cards from one particular event, and just make a collage maybe and put them on the wall. I don't know. Um grass minute's draws here.

SPEAKER_01 52:04

So uh as we wrap up, what what is your hope for the book?

SPEAKER_04 52:08

I hope that book touches every single person that reads it. And I hope they recognize that no matter what life throws at you, if you hold on to the Lord through all of it, you're gonna make it out the other side, and you're gonna see some good of the trial. And and I think back to myself, and and as I was going through that, you know, people would say, Oh, you know, it's uh there's a God has a plan. Well, yeah, I didn't care about God's plan because it wasn't what I wanted. And so I didn't, you know, that didn't make any sense to me. But there's on the other side, looking back, there's so many things that were good throughout this bad. There were the little the little wins, as I call them through there, the little blessings that we got to let you know God's there no matter what you're going through. And on the other side, um, you know, you're closer with people, with family members, or you're or you've made these connections with friends that were friends with your mom that you didn't know she had a connection with them. And it it's almost like she's her goodness is living on in all the little acts that she did to brighten other people's day or to be friends with them and to lift them up. And and I hope to extend that with my lifetime as well. And I probably better get busy if I'm gonna keep up with her.

SPEAKER_01 53:26

So, what where do you get the book? Where can you get the book?

SPEAKER_04 53:29

You can order the book off of dogwoodpress.com under um authors. Uh my name's listed on there. Click on that, and then you scroll down the bottom, and it has um a link to order. It also has a list of all of my upcoming book signings that you're on a book tour. I'm on a book tour, and that sounds so funny to say. I keep looking around for who the actual person is that's on a book tour. But yeah, I'm on a book tour.

SPEAKER_01 53:52

Well, I mean the name of the book is Fear Finds Faith.

SPEAKER_04 53:55

Yes, fear finds faith. I have some with me, obviously to all these signings, or if you're anywhere near where I am, I'll be glad to uh, you know, meet up somewhere and sign a book for somebody.

SPEAKER_01 54:06

Well, thank you for being here today and and for sharing your story.

SPEAKER_04 54:09

Thank you. I've enjoyed it. She was a fantastic person, and I just wish everybody could have met her.

SPEAKER_01 54:16

Thank you. And thank you, listeners, for spending your time with us. Whether this conversation made you laugh or made you cry, or maybe even made you pick up the phone and call somebody that you've missed or that you've been meaning to talk to. I hope you found something that resonated with you. Be sure and follow a daughter's inheritance so you never miss the next story. And if you have an inheritance story of your own, I would love to hear about it. Until next time, in the words of Bobby Steele, be patient, be kind, and be fair. That I included in this book.