Why we're here: When Connection Feels Harder Than It Looks

In this inaugural episode of 'Laughing Through the Uncomfortable', Julie and her son Jeff explore the complexities of social interactions, personal growth, and the challenges of navigating relationships. They discuss the importance of feeling connected in a disconnected world, share personal anecdotes about uncomfortable social situations, and reflect on how friendships evolve over time. The conversation emphasizes the value of self-awareness and learning from experiences, setting the stage for future episodes that will delve deeper into these themes.

Takeaways

The podcast originated from a desire to address common social issues.
Julie prefers giving advice from a maternal perspective rather than from her sons.
Many people struggle with social cues and feeling comfortable in various situations.
Self-awareness is crucial in recognizing one's discomfort in social settings.
Friendships can change significantly over time, often cycling every seven years.
It's important to learn from uncomfortable experiences and grow from them.
Julie and Jeff emphasize the importance of emotional intelligence in conversations.
Navigating social interactions can be overwhelming, especially in crowded environments.
The podcast aims to create a sense of community and connection among listeners.
Humor can be a powerful tool in dealing with uncomfortable situations.

New episodes every two weeks. Follow us on Spotify, iHeart, and Apple Podcasts!

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Hey, welcome. This is Julie Hasleman.

SPEAKER_00 0:02

And her oldest son, Jeff.

SPEAKER_03 0:05

Welcome to the Laughing Through the Uncomfortable brand new podcast. That um came about during a conversation that you and I had a couple weeks ago.

SPEAKER_02 0:15

Yeah, when I called you seeking for dating advice.

SPEAKER_03 0:20

Yeah. So how did it come about? This is like the fourth or fifth conversation that we've had through you dating and or you're at work. Right? And so we both thought, wow, wouldn't it be great? I bet we're not the only people having issues.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

No.

SPEAKER_03 0:36

Well, not really issues, but like questions about society and social cues in general. Yeah, true.

SPEAKER_02 0:43

Just like have being someone who struggled with and social cues and needed to, like, hey, what do people think and and what can I do better to fit in in a way?

SPEAKER_03 0:57

Yeah. So I think that that's that's where this podcast came out of, you know, the multiple conversations that you've had with me and you've had with you two brothers. Not so much, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

But um they had there were conversations with both my my middle and younger brother, but honestly, I'd rather have your opinion uh because I would rather call on my mom for advice than my brothers who had multiple different relationships and stuff.

SPEAKER_03 1:24

Yeah, well that's interesting because they've had different relationships, so you think that you go with them versus me who's gonna be like, everything's okay, it's all right.

SPEAKER_02 1:33

It's the dynamics of both brothers I have a relationship with, and those dynamics are different. And I just did not really I'd rather have a motherly touch and a more softer tone and how to approach a woman more maturely, and instead of like listen to two brothers or two guys and have that type of conversation, I'd rather actually from a motherly figure, but also who is also female and expect what females want from men.

SPEAKER_03 2:03

True. Thank you. Um, and then also through this conversation with the couple weeks ago and how this came about, we both talked about how it would probably be a good um idea. And also a lot of people would like think, I feel this way or I feel that way, like I like I tell you all the time. You know, I'm not I'm not comfortable in a lot of situations that I'm that I get put into, whether it be professional or um personal. And sometimes I don't have all the answers. But um I think it's good because um have all the answers. I don't I don't have all the answers.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

Mom, you're like a god to me.

unknown 2:48

Stop.

SPEAKER_03 2:49

But like with you, and you know, like with your professional stuff and your career and you're finishing your master's and um it's a struggle, and you know, you know, everything like I so this is we decided to start this podcast, and we're gonna go each episode, we're gonna talk about either a situation um that you went through either at school, um, whether it is high school, your you know, undergrad program, now that you are now in a master's program and and it's a struggle for you when it comes to making sure that those professors understand that you need accommodations as well as your professional. And then we're gonna talk about how as a mom, and you know, as and we're gonna bring your brothers in to talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

I'm just glad to see their profess see their perspectives and stuff.

SPEAKER_03 3:38

Yeah, but not only that, yeah, exactly. But through these episodes, I I want other people to understand, and you said too, people don't need they they need to feel like you know they're not alone. And in a day that we're the most unconnected, like really, like we're probably the most unconnected society right now. I mean, social media is the thing that connects us.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

So hopefully I grew up in that generation.

SPEAKER_03 4:04

So hopefully we can get connected. Um, you know, I don't know, to people, and maybe this will resonate um with other people with hope so problem. Yeah. So so why why do we start this? This is why we started to have these conversations. Instead of having them between us, we decided to have them out loud, put it out there, and hopefully other people will appreciate you know what you go through.

SPEAKER_01 4:31

Just a nice friendly chat with mom and son and a little glass of wine and laugh it off.

SPEAKER_03 4:36

Oh, yeah, we can't, we can't we can't. Yeah, laughing through the uncomfortable, right? Um, and that's I think that's one thing that me and your dad probably helped with you, and and you and your brothers is I think we find laughter as um not laughing as laughing, ha ha, you're funny funny, but laughing like you know, we're not all alone.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

No, not busting each other's chops and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_03 5:02

What?

SPEAKER_01 5:02

Not busting each other's chops. It's just like joking around because we're just close-knit family.

SPEAKER_03 5:07

Yeah, exactly. Right. So let's talk about um what it is about just as a little introduction, um, social interactions. What are those social interactions that are uncomfortable or you know, sometimes are confusing when it comes to your perspective on being in the middle of something? What what it is what is it that is uncom you know, uncomfortable? Because I could tell you my uncomfortable, but my uncomfortable is completely different than probably your uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_02 5:41

My most uncomfortable in any type of social setting is most likely around crowds, loud noises. I get so stimulus, stimuli of like overwhelmed with information, noise, sounds, the typical behavior of neurodivergent. And I have to leave, right? I can't do VR. I did a VR with a friend the other day, and I'm like, it was so fun, but I can, I'm like, I was so overwhelmed. I'm like, hey, can we just like get a drink after? And we did, and we went to a bar and it was so great. We talked and laughed about it. But honestly, like the city alone, like getting off bar when I go into the city, it's like super loud. The smells, the people, like you get used to it, your brain will develop, but it's just on unnecessary noise. So yeah, it's it's something that you just it's like a pillow to swallow that you have to like go along with the social settings.

SPEAKER_03 6:37

Yeah. You know, and it's funny because my uncomfortable when you had talked about going into the city, we're talking about San Francisco, by the way. Yay, shout out to the bay. Um, going into the city for me, like writing on Bart, the loud noise for BART, it's annoying, but it's not, it's not overwhelming, but it is for you. And that's I think that that's it's uncomfortable, and it can't be uncomfortable when the Bart is so full of people. Um right. And so I think that that uncomfortable is my uncomfortable is different than your uncomfortable, and that's good because you know, a lot of people they are uncomfortable or with these noises, and they don't understand that it's just because their brain is overstimulated. And I think that's great that you recognize that your brain is overstimulated.

SPEAKER_02 7:22

Yeah, it's nice to have self-awareness, like seriously. I actually recently I did an IQ test uh and did a test online, and it I took like the 90s.

SPEAKER_03 7:31

Please tell me you didn't put your credit card in and pay 999 for that.

SPEAKER_02 7:33

No, I did paid for a dollar. I just did it for fun. I paid for a dollar, and hey, I think it's legit. It was 90 questions, so it was really hard. It was really hard puzzles. My IQ is literally 131. So I'm like literally smarter than 30% of the population in the United States, so it's nice.

SPEAKER_03 7:48

Well, a little fun fact. I don't know if you remember this, but when we were um testing you for middle school, the uh uh neurodevelopment psychologist that they sent us to, right?

SPEAKER_02 8:04

Yeah, I remember that.

SPEAKER_03 8:06

You were like, I don't know. Like fifth grade?

SPEAKER_02 8:09

Fifth grade.

SPEAKER_03 8:10

Were you in fifth grade? No, that was before.

SPEAKER_02 8:12

That was right, that was right before middle school, right? Yeah, I went to a private school for specifically for disabilities.

SPEAKER_03 8:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:20

And you and dad were basically like, hey, the pathologist of that school told you guys, like, hey, he's well developed. Let's transition him to, let's say, it's a public school. It was a public school, right? Um, and it was like I and I had to wait a year or something like that. It was like fifth grade, and it was testing.

SPEAKER_03 8:40

I think what happened was when we were transitioning you from public to from the private school to your to the middle school that was public because we wanted you to be in public school and you wanted to be in public school, and you know, told to be told, truth be told, there was a an hour commute both ways for school.

SPEAKER_02 8:59

To be fair, I did not understand that to be a kid. I I am glad that you guys made the choice. But the thing is, as an adult now and going over the bridge myself, thank God you did. But the thing is, as in a kid, I didn't understand that, but I kind of missed that private school, and I had like I it was great. It was like my community. It was people that I did not feel scared of.

SPEAKER_03 9:23

Great. So you're telling me that I ripped you from your community?

SPEAKER_02 9:26

No, I found another community, I found another community, but as a kid, I did not understand that. But as an adult, I'm like, oh my god, thank God my parents did, because now I want to be this street smart type of like intelligent person now.

SPEAKER_03 9:43

Yeah, no, yeah, definitely. Okay, so we digress. Okay, back to that. So when before we went to you to middle school, you had to go through um this uh neuropsychologist, and they tested you, and all the spatial, spatial puzzling, and um reasoning, analysis, you test it out, yeah out like you were in fourth grade and you test it out.

SPEAKER_02 10:09

I was doing college reading in fifth grade.

SPEAKER_03 10:11

No, not college reading, college spatial puzzle program, puzzle solutions. Your reading was you know, you were you were you were grade level reading.

SPEAKER_02 10:21

Okay, grade level reading, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:22

I mean, you know, I mean you're great, but your spatial awareness. And I think this is interesting because your language was uh not developed because you were born, you were born with some um I couldn't talk.

SPEAKER_02 10:38

I I you had then.

SPEAKER_03 10:40

I don't want to get through diagnosis. We're not gonna talk about diagnosis here. We've already, you know, had a clear platform, safe platform, no diagnosis, but um very uh, you know, the language, sensory, um, you know, and um reading aspect of the processing, you know, was that's that's your that was probably the um what we recognized early on. Yeah, but your ratio, you're back to your IQ test of 131. It's your your spatial was like through the roof, like you she had no more tests. I remember coming out saying we don't have any more tests for this. Your kids are smart, kids are smart, but I guess the point is just because you are uncomfortable in certain situations, other senses, you know, the brain's amazing, so other senses, you know, get get mature and worked, right?

SPEAKER_01 11:34

Well, it yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:36

Yeah, yeah. Okay, so tell me about this. So you took 90 question tests, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:40

It was it was something fun. It was I was in my bed just roaming on Instagram, and then it was that Instagram commercial ad, whatever, and I did it. I'm like, hey, test your IQ. I'm like, all right, cool. I was boring anyway, so I paid a dollar to see my IQ.

SPEAKER_03 11:53

Did you check your credit card account to make sure no other uh fraudulent credit cards?

SPEAKER_02 11:56

I use PayPal. I use a third party. Third PayPal is, I believe PayPal is secure.

SPEAKER_03 12:02

Oh, you can't say names because PayPal's PayPal's not a sponsor of this podcast. I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_01 12:10

We can just edit out.

SPEAKER_03 12:11

No, we can't. This is an unedited. We're doing unedited. I'm not editing anything out. So there you go, you guys. This is unedited. So uh hopefully PayPal doesn't pull our podcast off when I publish the first episode. It's okay. We're doing this. This is brand new. We're we are infants in the infantile, we are infants.

SPEAKER_01 12:30

I apologize.

SPEAKER_03 12:30

Oh, it's fine. No, it's fine. Okay, so then that happens, right? So I guess the uncomfortable is back to your uncomfortable to my uncomfortable, and you know, and it's funny how you, you know, we all get sucked into those ads on Instagram, and we get sucked on, you know, the uh Snapchat and Facebook and all of those social media things we get sucked into. Um, you know, 90 questions? How long did that take you to answer?

SPEAKER_01 12:57

Took me about 30 minutes.

SPEAKER_03 13:00

30 minutes for 90 questions.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

Yeah. That's well, mostly just puzzles.

SPEAKER_03 13:04

Oh, it'd be interesting to find out what my IQ is.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:08

No, that'd be fantastic.

SPEAKER_03 13:10

Yeah. Okay, so we are going to talk about so this episode was just an introduction to us. I am a mom of three boys, and uh Jeff's my oldest, obviously. And then I have two other boys that are under him. They are all in their 20s. Um, and um Jeff is uh a successful college graduate and working on his master's, and the other two are both college graduates. Um, one is going into another career, and the other one is trying to figure out what he wants to do. But um, through this through these episodes, we're gonna bring them in. I think it's interesting to talk about different stories that you have had interactions like with Logan, his youngest brother in his high school. We're not talking, we're we're not gonna give him any any clue as to what we're talking about there.

unknown 14:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 14:04

And then Ben, your middle brother, right? But I also think it's interesting to talk about your so through the different episodes. I think Jeff and I decided that um he wants to use one episode to talk about you know certain situations socially, and we're gonna start talking about real-time situations that he went into on a weekly basis, you know, like whether not his boss is being your supervisor is being sarcastic. Did you mean that or not? Or um what did this person mean? And I don't understand that. And how come difficult it's so difficult dating and finding somebody to date? And I guess for you guys, and I don't think you're the only one having issues, right?

SPEAKER_00 14:45

I am not the only one. There's a lot.

SPEAKER_03 14:48

How do you know?

SPEAKER_00 14:49

There is a lot, and I can't wait to spill the beans next episode.

SPEAKER_03 14:54

Or the in the next coming episode.

SPEAKER_00 14:56

Next coming episode.

SPEAKER_03 14:59

Yeah, and more wine. Yeah, so I think this is gonna be fun. Um, you know, we each have a glass of wine and we talk about um your life and my life and your brothers, and maybe you know, as a family, what we what we do.

SPEAKER_00 15:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 15:20

Yes, yes, yes what? Yes, yes what? Yes. So I think that that's gonna be interesting. Um the uh so this being our first episode, um, let's um we already said why are we gonna do this? Let's let's talk about something really interesting that happened yesterday with you and your friend at the bar. And um it wasn't really a bar, it was like a pub, right? So you went and got lunch. I wanted so you went um you were in the VR, you were saying you were doing the virtual reality game.

SPEAKER_02 15:55

That that's a different friend.

SPEAKER_03 15:56

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 15:58

I have like I have a very small friend group that I basically they don't know each other, but I have a very small friend group that I like. One is from the city and the other one is from the outer bay area, and I have another one, same thing, and it's just they're just rant, they're just people that I know and bumped into, but the VR was super funny, and I got super scared in that one. And that's another time to tell because I kind of cussed really badly on that. And they actually have video of that, me very saying very inner, very inappropriate phrase, and even the workers were laughing their butt off. And uh, she was like, the my friend, she was like really impressed, but at the same time, I'm like, I'm like, Jeff, what are you doing? I'm like, we can we just get a drink, please. I mean, because this this VR was overwhelming. But uh, what happened yesterday was my friend more of an acquaintance, more of an acquaintance now. Uh, we were like long um we were had a really like close friendship throughout high school and college, and we kind of went our separate ways uh right after college, and we were like just acquaintances here and there, but a lot of people can change in in a way. A lot of people can be mature, and a lot of people can not change and just stay in their state and and they choose to change and they don't want to change. It's it's their choice. They're they have free will, they're people. So what happened yesterday was like I invited the invited one of my acquaintances out now, and I'm like, he was looking for an apartment and stuff like that. And I'm like, all right, cool. Uh, we were just browsing around, checking someplace out. We were head we're walking into the one of the towns, and he just uh he seemed like the same guy that I hanged out with years ago, and but at the same time, he was he was the same, he did not change, he was very inappropriate sometimes in a conversation. And uh in that moment, that that uncomfortable moment, I'm like, I just like in my mind, like like, dude, I just want to eat my cheeseburger.

SPEAKER_03 17:58

I'm like, why okay?

SPEAKER_02 18:00

Let me just eat my cheeseburger.

SPEAKER_03 18:01

No, so in just so our audience knows, you are 28 years old. Coming on 29. And this acquaintance is now 28.

SPEAKER_02 18:10

He's actually turning 30.

SPEAKER_03 18:11

Oh, okay. So he was acting as if you were back in like your undergrad 2021 high school. Yeah. And you know, I read, I read, I didn't, I shouldn't say I read an article. A friend of mine told me yesterday when I met, or a couple days ago and we had coffee, that she read an article about friendships and how friends cycle every seven years, you tend to cycle out of old friends and get new friends. Like every seven years, this cycle happens. And I think that's interesting, right? So, just so you know, right? So every seven years, so you're about seven years from 21 to now, 28, him 30. Yeah, like you're cycling out of him being, or you know, you thinking that he's your friend. And I think it's because, like you said, people grow, people don't grow, people mature. And I think, do you think that's because of your experiences versus his experiences and the fact that you work in San Francisco in San Francisco?

SPEAKER_02 19:04

I work in San Francisco, very diverse place, and you're a supervisor. I'm not a supervisor supervisor, but I'm an assistant manager.

SPEAKER_03 19:10

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 19:11

But still, I would why I would like to be a supervisor one day.

SPEAKER_03 19:15

If anybody's listening, we no, it's kidding. This is not for this is not a job application. Anyway, go ahead.

SPEAKER_02 19:22

Right. Um, I hung out with more female people. So when I start maturing my mind and just starting to find people like me, I actually have less male friends, more female friends, because I find females a little bit more uh intelligent and they actually have conversations and they actually help me.

SPEAKER_03 19:46

But let me what let me help you. I hate to interrupt you. It's not more intel, but it's more emotional intelligence.

SPEAKER_02 19:51

No, emotional intelligence and uh intellectual conversations.

SPEAKER_03 19:56

Really?

SPEAKER_02 19:56

Yeah, I find females a little bit better with intellectual conversations because when I like I can't really like hold a conversation with my brothers about like intellectual conversations because like my brothers were like more of like like pro solve the problem. Like I have more conversations with my sister-in-laws than my actual brothers. I'm like, it was like, yeah, like fist pound and bup chest and stuff like that. But like actually, like, like for example, like I actually like having more physical conversations with you, mom. And I I like to go to dad sometimes, but I'd rather go to you and grandma for actual advice because throughout my life, I actually um when I was in school, I actually found it female teachers a little bit more safer to talk to than actual like male teachers. So because that it was that Why do you think? Oh, it was the positive femininity that really like kind of that soft and gentle, the gentle calmness that I liked in time to search because it's like that gesture of like to being calm and to be like that nurturing type of tone.

SPEAKER_03 20:57

And you never had a male teacher that could be that nurturing tone, or were they more of a only few? Were they more dismissive or didn't have a lot of people?

SPEAKER_02 21:03

They're more just more dismissive. Uh my pathologists problem solving? Uh yeah, honestly, I just did not really like talking to male teachers at all.

SPEAKER_03 21:12

I know, but is it I think it's is it because were they trying to solve a problem and they try they they saw that you came to them with a problem and they they gave you problem solutions, solutions to the problem versus the female teachers sat down and listened to you?

SPEAKER_02 21:26

They uh that's that's they sat down and listened and they told me like this is how to problem solve. And that's why I find more feminine presence more nurturing than male presence. So that's why I'm like, I have this personality of with when I'm ever talking to my female friends, I thought I feel more safer. I feel a little bit more like okay, I can actually be myself around them instead of my male friends. Right. So I like when I had when I was with my acquaintance at this uh bar or something. Like luncheon, I just like he just was so inappropriate. And I'm just like, I just want to eat my cheeseburger. We went back to my place, back to my apartment, and we just hung out for a few moments before he had to go back to work. And I just was so uncomfortable because he was so How was he inappropriate? I just at the dinner, it's like he just he was just not caring about his um uh public appearance in a way. More of like his his tone, his body language. He just didn't really care who was around him. Obviously, the conversation. I'm like, I'm not gonna get in detail. Yeah, but it's just I should have said something, but I'm like, he I did kind of weigh a kind of body suggest body language. I'm like, hey, I'm like, oh no, like, like, dude, stop talking, right? We have people around us, right? And it's like, yeah, I don't care and all that. I'm like, all right, cool. And we left. I paid for the bill, I just wanted to leave because there's a nice family, a mom and daughter with a nice, like, almost like, okay, this beautiful, adorable 12, uh 12-month-old um baby or daughter. I'm like, oh my gosh, she's adorable. I'm like, okay, I don't want that presence around it. So, in a way of like when being mature, both my brothers having their kids and being surrounded by a very strong presence and very feminine but also positive masculinity presence, I'm like, I don't want this man around any of these people. So I paid and went, wait for him to get out of the restroom. So we went back to my place, hung out for a little bit, and then after that, um, I'm like, yeah, we're never doing this again.

SPEAKER_03 23:38

Like did you tell him at the apartment or on the way back how inappropriate he was?

SPEAKER_02 23:43

No, and then on I unfortunately I have some blame here because I'm like, he was like my my old self that I I actually physically got rid of and killed.

SPEAKER_03 23:52

No, you did not kill your old self.

SPEAKER_02 23:54

No, I literally like it was like I wanted, I am mature enough, but it was like like almost like fogged out of a way of like, why am I saying this?

SPEAKER_03 24:05

So do you think your old person you said you killed, but you didn't kill, obviously.

SPEAKER_02 24:09

More of like here, you're I dismissed and buried my old personality than I was.

SPEAKER_03 24:14

You matured and you recognized that being in public places and acting like a 20-year-old cussing and swearing and being obnoxious isn't appropriate. So it's not that you you've matured and you've moved on, right? So all of us can look back at our younger self and go, oh, okay, so you mean I, you know, what was I thinking when I did this or I did that, right? So you just matured because you have higher expectations for yourself, right?

SPEAKER_02 24:42

Very, very high expectations because a little bit is a little bit uh rooted in religious, a little bit too. Yeah. Being Catholic and so forth. Um, I read, I read my Bible as much as I can, I pray as much as I can, and what type of advice I can bring into the real world. Um it's just like being a better person. And it's I know we're gonna be talking about other stuff in other episodes, but this comfort yesterday really bothered me, really boiled my blood, and I'm so glad I came in here today. And I had to like, I had to like talk to you and dad about it because that's the thing is like I need to express myself because I was overwhelmed yesterday. I I my brain holds it. It it's like it's almost like it when my brain, my brain forgets some stuff sometimes, like it's I've I'm if I'm really uncomfortable sometimes. My brain just forgets about it and throws it away like trash and then just move on. Like, always say, like you and Dad always say, just keep moving forward and analyze it, think about it, and like to take two sense of to take a grain of salt with it, and just we keep walking back. Do not look back, grow from it, grow from it, learn from it, learn from it, and very much so and move on. But the thing is that and then from from that really boiled my blood, and I'm really hoping that I'm like, you know what, like you, like you and dad said, like mostly like what you guys say, it's like he's just acquaintance, like six months.

SPEAKER_03 26:10

Yeah, um, but that really like I should have said something, but at the same time, I'm like okay, because now you're gonna be more armed next time where you'll be able to say something, yeah, right? Because this is the thing, this is about learning and learning situations and learning in uh social situations where you've never been in, right? I cannot tell you, and I'm sure everybody who's listening here knows they've been in the same spot where a boss walks in and says something, right? We call them snipers. They come in, they snipe, they say something, and you're completely off guard.

SPEAKER_01 26:42

So passive aggressive, right?

SPEAKER_03 26:44

Exactly. Passive aggressive, right? And so, right, and then they leave, or you leave, and then on the way home, you start thinking about all the things that you should have said at the time, right? Yeah, so this situation is just like that. So thank you for sharing that. That's awesome. So, all right, so we're at the end of our first episode, we're coming at the end, we're coming into 30 minutes, and I look forward to talking about other situations that you've uh had to deal with and what your perspective is, as well as a parent of um, you know, and what we as parents, you know, I'm glad that we're here for as a stand as a sounding board for you. So thank you. So this is Julie.

SPEAKER_02 27:25

This is Jeff.

SPEAKER_03 27:26

And this is Laughing Through the Uncomfortable. Until next time.