Starting the Conversation: Why Social Can Feel Uncomfortable

In this episode of Laughing Through the Uncomfortable, Julie and her son Jeff continue the conversation about social connection—what it means to be “social,” why interactions can feel unexpectedly hard, and how misunderstandings happen when communication styles don’t align.

Jeff shares what it’s like to feel overwhelmed in everyday settings: tracking the conversation, filtering background noise, reading cues, and trying to respond—all at the same time. Julie reflects on how common this experience can be, even for people who don’t talk about it, and why naming what’s happening matters more than “fixing” it.

Together, they explore how social skills can be built through practice—sometimes by intentionally stepping into uncomfortable situations—and how humor, awareness, and curiosity can help create more genuine connection.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Hey, welcome back to Laughing Through the Uncomfortable with me, Julie, and her older son Jeff. So last week we talked about, we just touched on why we were here and how this comp this social this podcast came about, right? Yep. And you touched on a situation that happened to you yesterday with an acquaintance and how social interaction was uncomfortable for you. And probably it didn't sound like it was that uncomfortable for him, but you know, I just think that that brings up this interesting topic that we're going to talk about today, right? And that is so, first of all, we're going to cover today is um as we continue our conversations and talking about social connection on what it looks like and how what does it mean to be misunderstood or misunderstood in general and why sometimes it can appear harder than it than you think it well than you think it should be. Like sometimes I walk into a room and I talk to somebody, I'm like, why was that so difficult? This shouldn't have been that difficult, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:04

It should be easy.

SPEAKER_02 1:05

I know they're human, I'm human. We spoke, you know. So, but it's not about fixing the social challenges, right? I think that we need to focus on about you know creating a space for the conversation that's left unsaid, you know, like we talked about last week when we walk away from a conversation, say with uh the boss, the sniper, um, and we think, why shouldn't we have done that? And those are those conversations that are often left unspoken, and people don't really can talk about what happens and how uncomfortable they are. And I think you I think it happens more often than you think. I know that you think that sometimes you're alone with that, but I think that it's it happens more often than we think. So, that being said, let's talk about this. So, I mean, everybody has different definitions of being social, right? Like my definition of social isn't going to you know a bar and hanging out and talking to the bartender. And my definition of social is going and having coffee with a friend of mine. That to me is being social. So, what is your definition? What do you think social is and how is that how does that pertain to a 28-year-old?

SPEAKER_01 2:17

Honestly, it's just sitting down, having the conversation, and just truly just connecting. And uh unfortunately, I have the problem of being overwhelmed with information because I am in fully engaged in the conversation because I'll stare them in the eye, just listening and understanding their uh circumstances of the conversation, if it's just small talk and it's I feel like my brain is like an old Macintosh computer, like on like yeah, unlimited space. No, the brain has a limited space because my brain is thinking of a response already due to the high being a high IQ. Oh, if you listen to last week, you listen to last week's podcast, you'll understand that whole either way, like my brain already solves the problem and I want to just speak, but at the same time, my brain is loading and overwhelmed with information, and I lose focus, and and even with the even with the cafe, bar, restaurant, the noise alone, you have to develop this behavior or mind filters of like focus, hyper focus on the conversation, not to not to hear about everything. But even though simple car down the street, someone coughing, someone smoking, even the noise of the coughing machines, any little noise is a little bit overwhelming. But you get used to it as you keep going down the line and you train, it's like a muscle memory or muscle that you have to train constantly. So that's when I try to like focus and pick off little things of the conversation, then type like, okay, ask further questions. But it is very overwhelming for me to have a very simple conversation because I have to leave the situation and take a nap. My brain is so overwhelmed, I have to nap it off.

SPEAKER_02 4:28

So your definition of social is talking to people, being just being involved in people, right? Like right.

SPEAKER_01 4:35

Did I get off tangent?

SPEAKER_02 4:36

Yeah, it's okay. It's okay, it's fine. No, that was great. You actually said what we wanted to talk about, which was why some situations are more difficult for other people versus other, right? Like some people are some people thrive in that kind of situation, and other people, like you said, get overwhelmed. So yeah, so you're saying that you, your body, you know, your brain gets overwhelmed with the different noises, and you assume that you're trying to concentrate on what they're saying. Are you finding that you're trying to figure out how to reply to them and you're not really listening to what they're saying? Are you trying to listen? Plus, you're trying to filter everything else out.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

Everything, everything at once. It is like I got better at it being an adult and just putting myself in constant social um settings. First of all, that's why I got myself the job as a host, waiter, and busser, then working in work retail because I like to be in front of people. Because even that, even talking to clients and stuff like that, and I still get overwhelmed because I put myself in uncomfortable situations to purposely train that muscle to be a better person to kind of develop my so-called disabilities.

SPEAKER_02 5:51

Or your reaction to people, or my reaction to people, yeah. Yeah. Well, you do know that a lot of people have an issue with that. I mean, I so there are a lot of people, believe it or not, they have a problem with listening to what somebody is saying and not trying to formulate an answer to that person. So half the message of what that person's saying is missed because they're so busy trying to think about what they want to say. Right? So you're not alone there.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

Yeah. Right. I'm not alone, but it's just irritating.

SPEAKER_02 6:22

And somebody that has, you know, speaking as somebody with an attention span of a gnat, and I'm not I'm not criticizing myself, but I'm being honest with myself. You know, sometimes I get really bored in conversations, and that's not because of the person talking to me is boring.

SPEAKER_01 6:39

You too.

SPEAKER_02 6:40

Stop. It's not because a person's boring, right? Because they're really interesting.

SPEAKER_01 6:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:44

It's just right at that moment, my brain is listening to or hearing something else, like you said, the bus driving by, which then gets your brain thinking about, oh, there's a bus driving by. Oh shoot, I think my vehicle needs an oil change. And oh, maybe we need to get tires. And then then it goes to, oh, well, maybe I need to make an appointment, or should I make it at that? And what? And then pretty soon you're down this rabbit hole and you're not paying attention to the conversation. So honestly, I don't think we're alone here. I don't, I think a lot of people kind of have that same situation and have the same feelings and challenges when it comes to trying to be engaged, stay engaged and staying interested in a conversation that they're interested in, but not really interested because of whatever's going on in their brain at that point in their time that they really, you know, have a difficulty trying to figure it out. Does that make sense? Am I rambling?

SPEAKER_01 7:35

No, you're not. It makes perfect sense, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:38

Okay. I mean, like social situations for you, I'm imagining, are because you just said can be overwhelming with the noise on the outside and trying to process what you're hearing. And if you're in a loud environment, you probably it's hard to hear that person speak. Yes. And then you're trying to process it.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

Yes. And it's extremely hard dating too. Just another conversation later.

SPEAKER_02 8:05

Yes. Obviously, we're um we're not going to be talking about Jeff's dating woes at this point because I know you all are saying, well, that's the reason why you started the podcast.

SPEAKER_01 8:14

We need context and foundation first.

SPEAKER_02 8:17

Thank you. Yes, we need context and foundation of Jeff and who we are as a family, right? Before we go into the dating woes. Although I'm sure most of you have the dating woes. Um, you know, I mean, dating for me, uh, I've been married 30 years, 35 years, or been together 35 years. It was completely, and it looked completely different than what you go through now because we did not have the thing called the internet um as as it is today. We didn't have social platforms that is today. We don't have all of that as we did, as you have, and you struggle with. Well, so I mean, we're not gonna talk about your dating quite yet, but that's what I mean.

SPEAKER_01 9:01

I just I have so much tea. I have so much tea off for that, but it's another tea.

SPEAKER_02 9:05

You have so much what?

SPEAKER_01 9:06

T. It's a it's it's my gener apparently my generation's one of the. It means like drama. It's like yeah, it's drama.

SPEAKER_02 9:15

And uh tea is short for drama. So you learn something near every day.

SPEAKER_01 9:18

Yeah, it's slang. I even I like I consider myself a millennial, but I'm apparently an older Gen Z, and I got that. I was like I got humbled of that very recently.

SPEAKER_02 9:30

Wait, wait. I think it all depends on your what? No, I think it all depends on the Google, what Google, what Google generation you go to.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

I thought I'm Gen Z.

SPEAKER_02 9:38

What's the years of Gen Z to Gen Z?

SPEAKER_01 9:41

Um, Gen Z starts in 1997, all the way to, I believe, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 9:45

So you're on the cusp of millennial Gen Z. So you should show both.

SPEAKER_01 9:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:55

So, all right. So sorry. So while we talk about the social connections, you know, I think we also have to understand about, you know, we have to talk about the misunderstandings that occur when communication styles don't align, right? So I mean, let's dabble in the dating thing right now. Let's dabble.

SPEAKER_01 10:15

No, no, just dabble, just little appetizer.

SPEAKER_02 10:18

No, not about what your not like your specific struggles, but maybe your like 7,000-foot view of struggles on all the different dating apps, right? Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_01 10:27

And right, there's like over like 20 now.

SPEAKER_02 10:31

I know it's crazy. I don't know. I I don't know. I'm not on it at all.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

But I'm like at least on like seven of them.

SPEAKER_02 10:37

Oh, okay. Well, and and I think that the different, you know, expectations, right? And I mean that's what it is, it's meeting expectations.

SPEAKER_00 10:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:48

Your expectation to my, you know, to your person that is on this dating app and then expectation. But the social cue on let's just talk, let's just start, let's just let's just start at like step A.

SPEAKER_01 10:59

Let's let's go back to the past where I where I was just starting to develop in middle school.

SPEAKER_02 11:08

Well, let's okay. And we no, that's fine. And we can talk. No, yeah. And then the misunderstandings that occurred in middle school is way too far. Like, let's go back to high school or college? I don't know. No.

SPEAKER_01 11:19

I have a lot of tea on this.

SPEAKER_02 11:21

You do, but not as much as other people we know.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

So so but both claimer, both my brothers are married and have two beautiful children.

SPEAKER_02 11:32

Well, they each have one. They don't each have one, but yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 11:35

I love my nephews.

SPEAKER_02 11:36

Okay, yeah. But let's talk about, like I said, misunderstandings that happen when communication styles don't align. Right? Like, let's talk about that. Like the misunderstandings when your communication style, like you were saying in the very beginning of this podcast with social interaction and how you get overwhelmed, right? Well, your so your communication style, you take time to think about what you want to do and how you want to answer, and how that miss sometimes people misunderstand that.

SPEAKER_01 12:06

Yeah. So let me just break it down, just a simple interaction. Because I have I got my degree in sociology because I have a deeper, I wanted to have a deeper understanding of social cues and social setting. And that's the reason why I studied social sociology is like the deeper connection, like social networking, right? Diagrams and so forth.

SPEAKER_02 12:33

Not really.

SPEAKER_01 12:34

I was humbled by that. Now I by having my peach. Okay. Um, okay. But either way, that's what I thought.

SPEAKER_02 12:41

But it can be though. Yeah. It can be a focus of it, right?

SPEAKER_01 12:44

So that's what I focused on on it. That's literally just the social, just the social cues and just social networking of human beings. Okay. Because yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:51

So let's talk about social cues.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

Um, for me, basically, I just want to understand people and a deeper connection because I try to sit down with people and actually dig conversation. But unfortunately, due to social media and other stuff, people just have a very short attention span, right? And like I'm sitting down with my coffee or beer, whatever, you know, I'm sitting down with one of my friends or or one of my coworkers or my family members. It's just sometimes it's people just rather not sit there and have a long conversation.

SPEAKER_02 13:26

Yeah, not have a long conversation about what.

SPEAKER_01 13:30

And when people will be like, I don't know, what is I don't know the phrasing. Is it like passive passive listening and aggressive listening?

SPEAKER_02 13:39

And sorry, that was my other son walking in and walking out, realizing we're still recording the podcast. I apologize. Go on.

SPEAKER_01 13:49

Maybe you can help me explain this. When people say, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm like, uh-huh, yeah. And it's like those cues of like people like those generated almost like impulsive responses of me, like, yeah, you you're not listening. You just want me to uh be done with the conversation because I used to talk a lot when I was a kid, and it it kind of crushed me because I couldn't again, I couldn't talk as a kid, and when I was like it was hushed when I couldn't really speak when you found your voice and when I found my voice and I had to like I had a real bad tonality type of thing. I was really loud and I did not I was like mute death or whatever.

SPEAKER_02 14:27

Yeah, you spoke a little bit higher, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:29

Now I and you had really no inflection in your voice, but I had to learn that socially, so it's it was a lot of training and a lot of development, and unfortunately social interaction interaction, and then unfortunately, yeah, but I can't talk as much to people anymore because people do not want to listen to a whole ass conversation, seriously, and I'm like now I'm like, okay, uh-huh, no problem. What tell me more? Right? So instead, like they don't want me to talk, they want them to talk. So basically, I'm giving them the chance, but the thing is, I never get that reciprocated back, and it sucks. Small talk really sucks because I have to like it, it like a pool, like it's a pool of teeth and nail to get them to start talking. Because I had the privilege of not stop talking, but people did not want that, so it was difficult because the average functioning person that I that I go to or try talking to, that's why I I find talking to people with people like me, now divergent, people with disabilities, people who are in a very well-equipped uh society in my community, I find more comfort with them than normal functioning people. When I find someone with dyslexia or ateo processing or any other type of minor or difficult disability, I'm like, oh my God, you're gonna listen to me. And I know exactly how you feel. Yeah. And that's why I that's why I find a better community in that. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:12

Uh no, that's completely understandable, you know. And we've I find that I find that people, I think that that's I don't know, let's talk about okay.

SPEAKER_01 16:26

There's a lot to rabble there.

SPEAKER_02 16:27

Yeah, no, it's great. No, but here's the thing this is what social media has done to people because there's so many. No, really, listen, there's so many people that want that social connection.

SPEAKER_01 16:42

But they actually don't.

SPEAKER_02 16:43

No, they do. Listen, because they don't get it, and their social connection is watching videos and what they don't really get to talk to people. Yeah. That when they find somebody who's interested in talking to them, like you, they just want to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. And they're not recognizing the fact that, you know, maybe this isn't gonna be a shared conversation.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

It's never, it's never shared. No, it's never shared.

SPEAKER_02 17:04

And I think it's just that's what's wrong. Okay, we're not talking about what's wrong with society, but in my opinion, you know just chats with mom and son. Yeah, just chat with mom and a son working through the uncomfortable. No, but right, so they don't have okay, so people, okay, not so I'm not saying they I'm not gonna be like referencing everybody, but or the whole society issue, and I don't want to like have people like email me saying all this stuff, but in general, because social media and how everything is, we get instantaneous responses and instantaneous answers and all of that. Instant gratification, instant gratification. Thank you very much. I'm glad your private school helped with your vocabulary. But the point being is that when they when people get you know social interaction, like you get it every day at work, you have people coming in talking to you, and you listen to people, but you don't necessarily get to talk to them. No, but you get that social in you know, people back and forth interaction.

SPEAKER_01 18:07

Oh, yeah. And it's a privilege, it's great. I love listening to other people.

SPEAKER_02 18:10

And you know, I just think maybe that when you said other people just talk and talk and talk, and you're like, okay, well, you obviously don't want to hear what I want to say. What?

SPEAKER_00 18:19

When's my turn? Where's my fast pass?

SPEAKER_02 18:24

I think that could be that could be a new like nomicly. When's my fast? Where's my fast pass? I want to get the front of the line on it's my turn to talk. I want to talk. No, but I think that that's good. But here's the thing that I think that you need to uh you can use this as a lesson or a way to develop your listening skills is when somebody is talking to you and you're like, I have no idea what they're talking about, or they're talking a hundred miles over my head, or whatever it is. You can seriously use that time to think about concentrating on what they're saying, try and figure out what it is, and maybe instead of just answering back, yeah, uh-huh, ask them a question in between on something, right? Ask them a question or something. I don't know, right? I mean, maybe you should carry. You know how there's a talking stick that a lot of people say I have a I have the talking stick. Maybe you need to carry around a talking stick and go, I have the talking stick right now. It's my turn. I don't know, but we started this episode too with the social interactions and what your definition of social is.

SPEAKER_01 19:31

And it's still on that topic when you're just expanding on it a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 19:34

We are, but I think it's interesting how you said what you said about how people, you know, aren't really interested in what you have to say and you recognize that. So here's the question Do you pick up on those social keys that they're giving you when you're not interested?

SPEAKER_01 19:50

Real quick.

SPEAKER_02 19:51

You do that now.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

Yeah, I do that now because I I focus more on my brain power to do that because when I'm in a social setting and when I'm like at work or anything like that, I stay in the moment as much as I can and I pick on that social cue. Again, it's I train myself very thoroughly.

SPEAKER_02 20:09

So, how did you do that?

SPEAKER_01 20:10

By practicing and putting myself in uncomfortable situations every time. I I was in, I was from what age you think? It's I had to start with middle school.

SPEAKER_02 20:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:23

When I when I got out of that private school, I found my community. And first of all, thank you for putting me out of that middle school to um that private school and then going to the elementary school and and being with normally function.

SPEAKER_02 20:35

And honestly, the the I wouldn't say I don't think we need a word. I mean, normally I think nobody's normal nowadays. Like, what is the definition of normal? Yeah, I don't think.

SPEAKER_01 20:43

I'll leave that out. Everyone's unique, you know, unique humans. Yeah. Um but uh it started in public school. Yeah, fifth grade, that's where it started. And just all the classes I've been to, I just there's like one teacher for like every 30 students with disabilities, and just like I couldn't, I couldn't get any attention, I couldn't get any development.

SPEAKER_02 21:10

No, I get that, but I understand you went, you want to go back. So you had trauma in middle school, obviously, and I didn't. Sorry. But you did, you had put and the thing that I think was I think that's good is the fact that you did get a job at 16 and you worked part-time as a as a hostess, and so you were able to you always put yourself, and I think that that was something that's interesting to me as a mom, seeing you, even though I'm like, you know, you don't really have to go to work and you work all these hours, you don't have to, you know, you you can focus on your studying and you know, you all of that is that you put yourself in those social situations to kind of help train yourself or learn people's behaviors, right?

SPEAKER_00 21:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:54

And I guess the situation, I mean, now here we are, fast forward, you know, from 16 to 28, it's almost 12 years later. Later. And I think that there's less situations that in my mind that you ask me about. Um, but the situations that you're asking me about are um have a greater impact on like you in your future compared to the small little social interactions that you used to ask us about all the time, right?

SPEAKER_00 22:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:22

No, like this there's smaller social interactions, like when you would come home from your hostess job and say, a man said this and this and this to me. Was he being rude? Was this sarcastic, or was he actually giving me a compliment? And I would have to ask you about the content of it and what you were doing beforehand, and you would tell me everything up and leading, and then we would talk about it, right?

SPEAKER_01 22:41

That was the first job that I remember that I cried on my first week because I couldn't understand people. Yeah, people were rude, people are mean. I was 16 and not understanding social cues, and I was out of my comfort zone, and I needed to do that. That that shaped me, right? That my first restaurant job, you you picked me up and I was bawling.

SPEAKER_02 23:05

Yeah, it was hard for me too. Yeah, because I would I I wanted you to say, as mama bear, and you know, I'm the mama bear. I wanted to say I want to point him right out.

SPEAKER_01 23:14

He's right there, Ma.

SPEAKER_02 23:15

Yeah, no, I wanted to go, um, no, you're not coming back, right?

SPEAKER_01 23:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:20

I mean, this is you know, but I'm glad that you put yourself, I mean, ultimately you put yourself in those situations. And and ultimately what happened was we started having these conversations about situations in your life that occurred and we talked through it and you would learn through it, right? Um the thing that is interesting to me is that, and I don't know if everybody out here listening, if other parents are have children like you, and I'm sure like putting themselves in these social situations to force themselves to be comfortable, not really comfortable, but understand human behavior. I think that's what it is. Like your main focus on getting this job and working this job and working throughout your whole high school and college wasn't about putting yourself in those sit social situations. It was, however, but it was you putting yourself in that situation to learn human behavior so you can learn how to read that human behavior, yes, and be a better person in society, yeah, and just understand people, yeah. And in that way you can have more connecting relationships, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:28

And I have, and I made many friends in high school, and I mean many, no, I mean many friends in community college. Yeah, community college was my best. Yeah, it was my best.

SPEAKER_02 24:37

I would have to agree with that.

SPEAKER_01 24:38

But unfortunately, when I transferred out, it that was when the pandemic hit.

SPEAKER_02 24:43

Oh, yeah, that's gonna be a whole nother episode.

SPEAKER_01 24:46

I got stories to tell you on that.

SPEAKER_02 24:48

That is crazy, especially dealing with you know what was going on with everything with the pandemic, and then you know, everybody homeschooled, but then not homeschooled and then being on campus. That was so bad. That was so detrimental to everybody.

SPEAKER_01 25:00

So many, and then I lost that like just a little, just a little, a little tease here. I legitimately lost my ability to socialize with people because I was indoors for a year stuck on campus in my dorm room. And again, my roommates were awful. I'm sorry, but I'm gonna leave it at that. But on to the next topic.

SPEAKER_02 25:25

No, that's it. So uh we're at uh I think that's good for this episode too. I think that we talked about the social interaction, and um, you know, this is like you said, create a foundation on why we're here. Yeah, um, have our listeners get to know who you are and uh, you know, who I am and our our relationship dynamic with uh, you know, trying to get you us trying to, you know, figure that out and um understanding that everybody has uncomfortable situations in social situations that not all of us have those answers to, and understanding that we're not alone and communication and laughing through the uncomfortable is the uh only situation or shall I say solution um to working through the difficult parts of you know life and changing them and sing a blessing, I guess. I don't know, figuring it out everything out, laughing through the uncomfortable. That's all you can do, right? Okay, till next time, thank you for coming, episode three. Um we will figure it out because we are still, you know, figuring this thing out. Thank you for joining us and until next time. Okay.