Episode 14: "ROARRRRR!"

03:11 – Hitman Holla speaks on disadvantage of marriage to men

31:26 – Healthy love is scary

46:30 – Sarah Fontenot speaks on how she escaped hyper-independence

01:06:34 – Women who move like they value themselves get valued the most

01:19:46 – What can a man expect from his woman during the pregnancy?

01:25:55 – When is it ok to let someone from your past spin the block?

01:29:22  - What do I do when my BD will only have a relationship with my child if I sleep with him?

01:31:30 – My husband has cancer. I found out he cheated shortly after discovering this. Help?

01:33:37 – Can you give advice to a divorced man who wants love again?

01:38:30 – If my man been cheating for over a year, should I give him a chance?

01:47:53 – How do you handle a woman that’s overly emotional?

Transcript

SPEAKER_06 0:00

All right, man. Back at this thing again, man. Trail Academy episode 14. I think it is.

SPEAKER_05 0:08

1-4.

SPEAKER_06 0:09

It's been a pleasure, man. I had y'all tapping in with us and all the feedback, the comments, the DMs. We've been seeing it all, man. Salute to the Patreon stepping up on the question asking. You understand? So we got you definitely got a couple from them today. Um, man, just I'm I'm grateful, brother. With the progress, with how everything been moving. You know what I mean? I'm just trying to stay consistent. Just gotta stay, you know what I mean? Dropping and dropping and dropping and giving them what they came to hear.

SPEAKER_05 0:38

That's what about like Nipsey say, it's a marathon, baby.

SPEAKER_06 0:40

Not a sprint.

SPEAKER_05 0:42

Yeah, man. How you been feeling, man? Whew. Mental health check.

SPEAKER_06 0:47

Man, man, all over the place, man. I'm trying to reel it in, locked in, just trying to be productive. Um, I feel best when I'm productive. Take too much time off. I start getting antsy, start getting, you know. So I just try to at least get something done a day. Um, been locked in, recording like crazy. Just trying to get those reps up, man, and and just improve on the craft, bro. What about you?

SPEAKER_05 1:11

Man, just locked in on the fam right now. Definitely gonna get back on the content. But um just trying to balance out everything, you know what I mean? Start focusing on one thing and you know, you start falling behind in other areas. So it's trying to get that balance back right to where everything is just moving seamless again.

SPEAKER_06 1:32

Has it set in that you're about to be a dad yet? No, it still ain't set in.

SPEAKER_05 1:36

I don't need to set in until it happened. Until I physically see the baby. Like right now, it's just, you know. See the baby growing, you know, it's kicking a little bit here and there. It ain't like nothing major yet, but um definitely got the, you know, talking about she got the flutters and shit like that now. So slowly, slowly but surely, slowly but surely. I think like I said, probably a month out, maybe I might feel. I don't know. I really don't know. I'm just excited to go into the unknown and you know, I'm just gonna do what I do. Just know how to show up and perform.

SPEAKER_06 2:11

Tell you, but I'm I'm looking forward to the change that it's gonna have in you. Um just right out the gate. You know what I mean? When you first put it in your hands, when you first walk around with a layer on your chest, it it just does something to you, bro. It's hard to put in the words, but you're gonna you're gonna see, man. So what I'm I'm looking forward to the change in you, though, that's gonna be interesting.

SPEAKER_05 2:32

Alright, told her she's gonna have a hands full. So just be careful, you know what I mean? Um it's gonna be on my hip. Right. She's talking about you gonna you're gonna change help me. I'm I'm doing everything. Right. You sit back, I'm gonna do it everything. I'm gonna wake up in the middle of the night, I'm trying to do it all. I'm trying to do it everything.

SPEAKER_06 2:47

Yeah. The dope part about it though is that y'all are doing it the right way. You know what I mean? And we got marriages going on, we got healthy environments, houses, and things of that nature. Um, so the baby can come into an environment to where, you know, they got a great likelihood of being successful. So definitely, definitely salute to y'all for that. Um we're gonna stay on marriage, man. Um salute to my dog Hitman Holler and Sin, man, Hidin' Hers podcast. We got a clip from them today where they was discussing marriage. I think they had uh just Britney on there, man. Salute to uh H-Town. Um then we're gonna break down their conversation, speaking of marriage, that they had about it, and then definitely want to hear your take on this. Let's see what they had to say.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

You asked men, you put a poll up. Men not scared of marriages, they scared of divorce. That's all it is.

SPEAKER_07 3:38

Cause you feel like people gonna take 50%.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

Men, yeah, because the men don't gain nothing from if it don't work.

SPEAKER_07 3:44

But what if you say they have that mindset?

SPEAKER_01 3:46

But just ain't gonna be different. Okay, cool. I feel I don't like you no more neither. I leave. I still lose 50 seconds. You make it a different, I still lose 50 steps. I lose. But it's not, but that's the point. It's not about having that mindset. It's the truth. A lot of women don't like talking about the truth in marriage. Yes, we love y'all, but the truth in marriage is it's no benefit from the man if it don't work. So why would I rush it to get it or somebody signing a contract that knows that she can leave me anytime or I don't like it no more, and we lose half.

SPEAKER_06 4:19

I think it's I'm saying it's a lose-lose game when it comes to a man's side of a marriage, if it was to go wrong. Um, you know, marriage is is a gamble. There's no way around that. Um, especially for men, because it's not a lot, you know, it's the the the exit interview is not as beneficial as it is on the other side. You know what I mean? When everything is going good and your wife is who you want her to be and all of these things, marriage is great. But on divorce day, you a lot of times see a different side of that woman, maybe a different version of that woman that you've never seen. And a lot of men complain about the backlash and the weight and the loss that they have to take on the back end of an unsuccessful marriage. What's your thoughts on that, oh? Being a married man, was that a fear of yours going in?

SPEAKER_05 5:19

Absolutely, absolutely, and I think that's most men, you know. But most men go in most men go in knowing that this could fail. However, we feel that we chose the best person for us. And so despite what the numbers say, despite how other people may tell you things are gonna go regardless, you feel like you chose the right person and you can see it through. Right. And so with that mindset, you know, you you you trick yourself, you know what I mean, and you're gonna do whatever it takes to make sure that that relationship is successful. And you know, it it is hard because when you do fail as a man, especially as a man that's solid and that wants to do all the right things, that failure weighs heavy on us. And that's one of the biggest things. We don't want to fail at all. Um, I think that's why sometimes we're too patient. Sometimes we may overextend our stay when we don't need to. But I but part of that, that's what a marriage is about. It's about overcoming some of those obstacles. And sometimes you just have to do self-reflection. Sometimes, you know, it could be you. So I think that's what men do a lot of times that are married and do wanting to work is going back to the drawing board and seeing how can we get over this obstacle. Because when you're not married, it's easy to just dip, look, man, all right, look, all right, today today is the day. She didn't, she didn't cut me off, she done been yelling at me, she'd have been, she almost put her hands on me, she'd been slamming these doors, call me on my name, she did. All these different things last however long, and after today's the day, I'm out. You can't do that when you're married. You can't. I love this woman. I made vows to this woman till death do us part. So outside of any extreme things, no cheating going on, no infidelity, no things like that, she's not stealing thousands and thousands of dollars from my bank account. Like, it's not nothing egregious like that. I gotta see it through.

SPEAKER_04 7:35

Right.

SPEAKER_05 7:35

I gotta be patient. I gotta take my time. I have to wait till things cool down and have a conversation with her, or whatever we have to do to resolve the issue. You can't just dip like when you're single. So, like, speaking of what he was saying, like whether I leave, whether she wants to leave, we lose too. Like, there is no gain because I'm talking about the solid men. Like the solid individuals out there, especially if y'all have kids, you're gonna want to make sure the kids are taken care of. I've seen also too many times, far too many times, where the man leaves the house as he should. Leave the house for the woman, also giving money to bills or whatever it is to make sure that her and the kids are taken care of. So, while he has to start over, he got to get everything from scratch, whether it's an apartment, whether it's furniture, everything. He brings a couple suitcases, some clothes. You might get the PS5. Right. You might. You know what I'm saying? So I think I think just as men though, it is it is very scary. As I'm sure it is for women, but from a man's perspective, it's definitely scary because you just never know, man. Like women can just wake up any day and just say, you know what? This is this is not working for me. I just can't do it. I want more. And you've given your all. That's the thing too. Knowing all the things that we just talked about, knowing all the the different hurdles that you have to go through, knowing all the the data, what the data says, knowing what you know, the possibilities that a woman could do, you say, scratch all that, I'm gonna go through it anyway. And when that happens, it's just like, damn. Like, I did all I could. I did all I could, and it still didn't produce the results that I'd hoped for. So absolutely, man, that's that shit can send a man to depression real quick.

SPEAKER_06 9:38

Yeah, I mean, and bro spoke on the like unfortunate side of it. Um, but I think it also makes you look at the prep work that needs to be done a little bit closer. Um, and that's what I feel like a lot of us don't do. Um, a lot of us get married for the sake of being married, but we don't plan it out the way that we do other big decisions in in our life, right? Um You can take that back to when you go into college or whatever. Like you're gonna go check out two or three campuses before you make your decision. You buying a house, you gonna check out four, five, six, seven houses before you make a decision. You wanna know every detail. I need to know square footage, I need to know uh uh interest rate, I need to know uh uh um, you know, monthly mortgage, what it's gonna be. I need to know HOA fees, I need to know the neighborhood, do they got good schools here? Do they got like you're gonna go into detail as far as what you're gonna do, because this is gonna be a couple hundred thousand dollar purchase. You understand what I'm saying? So it's like that same due diligence needs to be done when we picking our partners, and oftentimes it's not. Oftentimes people stumble into a marriage. Just like they stumble into having kids. I like you. You're attractive, we bobbing, we doing our thing, having sex, boom, you're pregnant. And it's just like, damn. Like, I don't even really know you for real. You understand what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_05 11:02

Just figure things out on the way.

SPEAKER_06 11:03

Figure it out on the way. I was watching something and it was a dude saying, bruh, like, most dudes don't even know, I mean, most women don't even know their baby daddy middle name until they take him to child support court. And that's real rap, bruh. Like you think about the women that you done had sex with, you understand? I'm, and not us specifically, I'm just talking about just men in general and women in general, right? The the people that you done had a little temporary situationship with or a little one-night stand, a little this, little that, you don't know their middle names. You don't. You know what I mean? But then some people come from that situation ship, pop up pregnant. Now we gotta, we are thrust into roles that I'm not sure that you're gonna be able to fulfill here. And then to complicate things even more, you know what? I don't want to have, you know, kid out of wedlock, whatever the case may be. Or we had a kid and we're trying to figure it out, we're doing our thing. I like you, you know, I got love for you, things of that nature. Let's get married.

SPEAKER_05 12:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 12:01

That's how it happens most times.

SPEAKER_05 12:03

A lot of times it just be situationship.

SPEAKER_06 12:05

It's a situation ship.

SPEAKER_05 12:07

So I didn't even come in invested. Exactly. So we already starting off on, and it's not you know, nothing to the women, but a lot of times it's, you know, the men, we just out here having fun, doing what we do, and you know, one thing just led to another, and now you got a whole life that you are both responsible for.

SPEAKER_06 12:29

Yep.

SPEAKER_05 12:30

And y'all don't even like each other like that. That shit makes everything, the everything about y'all and the kid makes it difficult. Yeah. It is not too often to where it can have that situation and it pans out well. Hell, you could be in a relationship or marriage, and this that shit don't even pan out well. So just imagine you being with someone or messing around with someone and y'all not even locked in like that. That's a whole lot of learning and just everything, even if you want to try. And it's like, damn, you know what? You six months in, the baby, you know, six months old or whatever, and it's like, damn, this shit ain't gonna work.

SPEAKER_06 13:12

I'm seeing things about you that I wasn't paying close attention to before. I'm seeing a side of you or a version of you under pressure or under duress that I hadn't seen before. And that's what I'm saying. Like, people don't pay enough attention to transferable traits. Um, what I mean by that is when you're dating this person, you need to be thinking, well, what type of mother would she be? Or what type of father would they be? And a lot of people got evidence of that because people have kids outside of them. A lot of times when you date, especially this age, 35, 36, 37, when you run into most people in the dating game, they're gonna have children. So it's like when you're dating them, those are things that need to be paid attention to. Not just how attractive they are, not just how they make you feel, not just how the sex is, things of that nature, right? But oftentimes, it's not paid enough attention to how good of a father that they're gonna be, how well do they handle their finances? Do they believe in investing or do they believe in just paying all their bills and spending everything else? You understand? Like these things are pivotal in terms of how this relationship and the function of it is gonna work, right? So then you get into this marriage and now we're sharing bills, and now I'm learning about your spending habits. Or now I'm learning about how much you don't give a damn about saving, or I'm learning how much you don't mind being in debt, spending money that you don't have. And that's not the time I'm on, right? But it's already too late because we done stood in front of God and put these wedding bands on. You understand? So that's what I'm saying. The vetting needs to be taken a bit more serious, and it'll be less of these horror stories that we hear. Marriage is a gamble, sure, but it's ways to hedge your bets. Whether it be a prenup, whether it be, you know what I mean, whatever contractual agreement that y'all can come up with beforehand, even that's taboo in our environment. You present a woman with a prenup and she'll look at you like you're insulted her. You understand? And or vice versa. And it's like, nah, this is very important because if this goes left, which it has a 50% chance of, I want to make sure that it ain't no confusion as to how things are gonna go. But those types of conversations are not being had. Because a lot of times, because most people are not rich, most people don't have a lot of money. So when they get together, you know, they they they both of their incomes are necessary to maintain the lifestyle. So they ain't even tripping on it, you know what I mean? But then you done been together a little while, somebody done built up some money, built up some cachet, some status. Whatever the case may be, now I go left, and it's like, okay, just like you just said, which happens a lot. Dude be like, okay, I'm gonna leave you the house, I'm gonna leave you two of the cars or whatever. I'll just take a car and I'll go figure out my thing on my own. And that's what hitman's speaking to, like the it's a softer landing after a bad marriage for a woman than it is a man. That's just the reality. Most men have to start completely over in life. So not only do I leave you the house, but I'm gonna keep paying the mortgage in a place that I don't live in. I'm gonna keep paying card notes for cars that I don't drive no more. I'm gonna keep because I'm gonna, because I want my kids to be in as stable of a situation as possible. I don't want too much change, but now I'm paying the mortgage that I was paying, and now I'm trying to find me a new place to stay. I'm paying brand new rent on top of the mortgage and the card notes and the alimony and the child support that I gotta pay you. So you got dudes out here literally working for free at their job after leaving a marriage. That's not, you know, that's not talked about enough. You know, they think, oh, he left the marriage, he out there dating, doing his thing, da da da da. A lot of men, they leave marriage, they gotta go back to try to stay with their parents. I was just about to say that, yep. Or gotta go back to try to stay with their kinfolk, whether his brother, cousin, whatever the case may be, for six months to a year before I can get back on my feet. You know what I mean? And that's a lot of women in that situation don't necessarily have to do that. So it's like that's what Hitman is speaking to. So as a man, when I'm walking into this and I know that these are the risks, if I don't take care of my business prior to, like I'm supposed to, which most people don't, what incentive do I have to walk into it?

SPEAKER_05 17:19

I would I want to ask you this too, because not saying give give the necessarily a playbook, because everybody's gonna be on their own time, but having those serious conversations, which I know are hard, but when you talk about like finances and then how people just dealing with certain things, also people's attitude, like not knowing certain triggers or just something not really coming to a head until a certain situation arises. So what would you say would be like a timetable? Y'all in a relationship, y'all say y'all want to get committed, but like what's a timetable to start having those type of conversations as far as finances and structure relationship and stuff like that? Like what's your what's your idea timetable? Because I would say, like, just prior to y'all moving in together. I think when y'all are separate, you know, but wherever, however you stay in, I think it's y'all can handle things differently because everybody has a has to own their own finances, however that looks like. But when we all come together, I think just before y'all come together to move in together, those and when those situations start to arise. Because then you gotta talk about school debt, car debt. Like you paying your the girl interest rate might be like 17% or something like that. Like she paying six, seven, eight hundred dollars on the car note, you know, which today I know is kind of normal, but um yeah. So like when would you think is a good time to start having those serious conversations?

SPEAKER_06 18:53

Right after we have sex. Right after we have sex. Because if I can get the most intimate version of you and the most intimate parts of you, I can gain access to that. Gaining access to that other information shouldn't be as important.

SPEAKER_05 19:09

That's crazy. It's not I'm not saying but that's just because women won't even cook a meal for you. They'll sleep with you. Say, I'm not cooking no meal from that's not my man, but I can hit continuously.

SPEAKER_06 19:24

Pull up, head in the car, smashing here, smashing there, let me into your house. I'm having sex with you, letting me around your kids, things of that nature, but cooking is too far. Or having a conversation about your finances is too, oh, that's that's that's too invasive. And and that's what I'm saying. Our priorities are just in the wrong place. I think once that threshold is crossed, nothing should be off the table. Um, especially, you know, when we become an exclusive couple. I need to know these things, right? Because I need to know is it time for me to pull the eject button and get out of here before we get too far into it? Because the deeper we get into it, the more clouded my judgment gets. And that's what people go wrong at. So we done waited until down there, we done got engaged, and now I'm trying to see uh how much credit card did you got? How much did uh whoa, 120,000, 60,000 in credit card? Whoa, what 100 student loan? Whoa, I didn't know this. You know what I mean? Like how how much, you know, like are you behind? Like what all of these things are very prevalent because when you be with that person, even if y'all are not married, you still gonna feel the effects of that. Because as a man, we we coming in, that's just how we wired with a provider mindset. We want to help her out, we want to do this, we want to do that. And then she gets to tell them, yeah, you know, our credit card bill is 600 a month, 500 a month, 800 a month. It's like, whoa, I ain't signed up for that. I don't want to, hell no. Because that's letting me know how irresponsible you are with your money, and that's gonna affect me if we get married. These conversations need to be had early. But like I said, for some reason, they are taboo. People, you you ask somebody what they do for a living and they treat you like you're insulting them.

unknown 21:10

I agree.

SPEAKER_06 21:11

So you get to ask it about debt and you know how like like what's your structure on paying your bills? You pay the bills 20% to invest in 20%, what you do? Oh, nah, I just pay the bills and I just any repos, any broken leases, because now everything gotta be in my name.

SPEAKER_05 21:30

So how much say so you think you got if everything go be in my neck?

SPEAKER_06 21:34

That's what I'm saying. Like we be we be grown as hell, but afraid of grown conversations. And oftentimes these conversations are not had until something goes wrong, and then now I gotta deep dive into your stuff to help you out of it or help you climb out of it. And vice versa. It's not just a man thing. Women with the same, just the same with women. You know what I mean? Get with a dude and don't necessarily know, damn, he is irresponsible financially. This is crazy. And now she got to try to bail him out of a situation. Nah, I need that information as early as possible. Because when we think about marriage, we got to think about the next 40, 50 years we're about to spend together. We got to think about all our decisions becoming one. We got to think about everything we do affects the other person. So I need as much information as I could possibly get before I jump this broom. But people don't think like that. They feel like I could jump the broom and then we're going to figure it out on the back end.

SPEAKER_05 22:26

Fellas, just a quick word of advice too. As a man, I don't think there's nothing wrong with helping a woman out that you're seeing and that you call yourself dating or whatever. Like if you want to help her out or something, help her with a plan, whatever it is, even if y'all are not married, I'm all with it. Now, women on the other hand, I I don't subscribe to the same message. Like I feel like as women, I I don't want y'all out here because you quote unquote love somebody, lusting over somebody, he just, you know, put that thing on you real good. I don't want y'all out here spending y'all money and wasting y'all money trying to elevate him and then he just up and leave you. So just be real careful because I've heard way too many stories about women paying this and paying that, and even shit. Catfish been getting catfish, he's sending him money because he's down on hard times, got family sick, or a man and made up he was sick in the hospital and things like that. She's sending them bread. I I wouldn't subscribe, I wouldn't tell any woman to do that unless that's your husband. Or y'all like engaged, like you know where it's going. Men, I think that's that's different. Our mindset is wired different. You know, we want to be able to help out, you know, certain situations. But women, please don't put yourself in that position.

SPEAKER_06 23:48

That's that's interesting that you say that, because I was on Threads the other day and I was a question that was pretty polarized, and they were saying, at what point should a man step in and help a woman financially? Um, you know, bills, things of that nature. And you got one side saying, you know, as soon as we exclusive, or, you know, a couple months in, you know, or whatever, and then you got other people saying marriage. And they was arguing pretty, pretty heavy. Um so what's your take on that? If a man is dating a woman, they kicking it, everything's smooth. Like at what point should he feel comfortable if she comes to him and asks for some financial advice, I mean financial assistance for him to kick in? I how soon?

SPEAKER_05 24:34

I think the amount is very important. But also, like you just said before, if I'm having sex with you, I should be able to help you out a little bit. I ain't saying pay no b I ain't saying I ain't saying pay rent. Right. You know what I mean? If we a month in, I'm not paying no full rent. You know, I put a little bit on it for you. You need some groceries, I'll go to the store for you and you know, get what you need. But I don't think overextending, especially if this probably not gonna work out. Right. And then somebody else gonna benefit from it. That's another thing, you know, men thinking like, I'm gonna do all this and somebody else gonna benefit from it. So I think there's a dollar amount. If I had to put a dollar amount on it, I say, let's say three months. I say the month equals the amount of hundreds. So three months, three hundred? You get 300. You get 300 out of it. How serious are we too? Like have we have we been situations for three months or are we dating for three months?

SPEAKER_06 25:47

Um because I I'm I'm gonna lean toward the healthy. I'ma say we've been dating and you know, we're we're pr we're exclusive after three months.

SPEAKER_05 25:55

And we have uh we have separate spots.

SPEAKER_06 25:58

Right, we live in separate places, you know. Got your own job, got my own job, I'm doing my thing. And like I say, she came to you, fell on a little hard time, hey, you know, and I'm I'm I'm digging though.

SPEAKER_05 26:09

Yeah. Still three months.

SPEAKER_06 26:13

You know. So you're saying three months is probably the lim is probably the time where it's like, all right, it'll be cool to start helping out here.

SPEAKER_05 26:20

It's a little, yeah. Like again, I'm not saying her rent sixteen hundred, I'm not saying come out your pocket for that or more. You know what I mean? But something healthy to get you to get you right. Come out of pocket sixteen hundred three months.

SPEAKER_04 26:32

It's crazy.

SPEAKER_05 26:33

You know what I'm saying? But I'm sorry, if we if we can spend 250 on a date one weekend, and we done went on four or five dates, you know. I mean, that I just had one time though. I get it. I'm not, yeah, that's something, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:51

When I just hey man.

SPEAKER_06 27:09

And that's why I always say my standards are very different, right? I wouldn't date a woman who needs $200 assistant, $100 assistance. I just I just wouldn't. I for in a dating process, I need you to have a very comfortable lifestyle. Like you know what I mean? A nice place to live, a nice car, like a savings and things like that. That's why I say, like, if it's me in that situation, I would be asking these questions very early, hypothetically speaking, if I was single, because now I can get a gauge of how responsible you are, how financially sound you are, how comfortable your lifestyle is. And if I fit and if I sense some, you know, uh trepidation or I sense a little hardship or a little difficulty, that's true too, because that's gonna make me look at you different.

SPEAKER_05 28:03

Because why the the first thing that goes wrong, you gotta You know? Like it's not like it's been a minute. And I, okay, I didn't went through my savings, it's been six months, and I didn't do da-da-da-da. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 28:15

Bruh, we got women month, three weeks, month and a half. Oh, yeah. Asking for bill money. Week week two. Week two. I had it week two. And it's just like, bruh, like if you need $200 within two weeks of me knowing you, or a month of me knowing you, I don't see wife. That's an instant turn off. I don't see somebody that I'm about to go through life with side by side. I see somebody on a life raft in the middle of the ocean that's begging me to save them, and now I'm gonna lose respect for you. So it's like, but again, just like you said, certain men like get off by doing that. Like, I want to, you know, come in. How much the rent? And it's like, you know, you can call it a broke thing or a money thing, but it ain't that. Because I'm not broke at all. But it's the mindset that comes with that. Like, just like you say, we two, three weeks in. How is something going wrong that quickly?

SPEAKER_05 29:21

You ask me to help with your phone, Bill.

SPEAKER_06 29:25

I'm talking to you on the phone. Yeah, you're talking to me and a few other niggas too. Just like the rent. I'm paying rent in a place that I don't live. That's crazy to me. Like, I don't, I don't, and I know dudes who did it. I know NFL dudes, NBA dudes, I know dudes who did it because the girls brag about you doing it to us. I ain't gonna say nothing. I almost slipped and said her name. But what I'm saying is that you paying that, she doing her one too, but she having dudes over there. Like she having. But then when you, you know, I guess get done with your season.

SPEAKER_05 30:02

And then that's a hustle too. Because you're not the only one she's asking. Come on, bruh. You know how this goes. She got tears. I know this one I can ask with a big bag. This one can take care of my little stuff.

SPEAKER_06 30:14

And the little random cash apps from dudes who want a chance. They ain't even got a chance for real, but they they still sending money. And again, I'm not knocking a woman's hustle. I would never knock nobody's hustle. I just can't be hustled. I'm from 21, 28, Shirley Street, and we don't do that type of thing. You understand? And I and again, no knock to dudes who do it, because dudes gotta get it how they live. You know? Every dude ain't got that finesse to be able to. You gotta get it how you live, but it's just me, I I I just wouldn't feel right in my soul three weeks into talking to a woman, and I'm cash app you money or I'm sending you, you know?

SPEAKER_05 30:56

Yeah, that's yeah, that's a skip crawl.

SPEAKER_04 31:06

That need to be the title, nigga. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 31:12

That's out of pocket, my nigga. All right, man. We're gonna get to the next one. This is uh I wish I knew how to spell that. Uh all right, this one was about healthy love being scary. Um, we done spoke something to this before, so I'm interested to see what you think about this one.

SPEAKER_00 31:34

Um, healthy love is scary. Falling in love with someone who stays patient with you while you unlearn survival mode is one of the most healing experiences that a human can have. Because most people think that love is supposed to feel electric, urgent, intense. But safe love, safe love almost feels because your nervous system has been trained. Wait for something, wait for something, wait for day and they don't make you perform to be loved. Your whole body starts to relearn what it actually means to be held. Your nervous system and your intuition already knows safety. Sometimes it just takes a little while to trust it.

SPEAKER_06 32:35

We done spoke to this before about somebody who has a history of dating toxicity. Run into that person who's solid, who don't make you second guess yourself, who don't give you anxiety when they leave the house or when they're away from you, or who don't got people coming to you as a woman or a husband, whatever the case may be. And it's just like, damn, this is a very safe place. And the word he used was makes you feel suspicious, scary, terrifying. Do you agree with that notion?

SPEAKER_05 33:07

Definitely. Um I'm but right now I'm thinking of a situation, you know, we know a lot about like the far left side when it's real, you know, it's very toxic. I think us trying to find that that mental balance is is really what we need. Because the situation I'm thinking about that I thought at least was like that at one point, it was too right. And at that point, you know, after a while, I don't want to say it's boring, we've used the word before boring, but I feel that difficult conversations have to be had. There are some arguments that we kind of need to have because where is your passion? Where is your care? Like, there are certain things that I know that I'm not doing right and it needs to be addressed. And so I had a you know situation where I was in a relationship and where we didn't argue. I looked, I looked up, it was like a year, year and a half in, I was like, we never got no argument. That's wild. Like at first it was cool, you know. Early on it was cool, but I'm like, we ain't never like I don't know how this person can be when shit hit the fan. Right. I don't know how they would treat me if if you know something hit the fan. So that had me kind of uneasy and then nervous because I'm like, what is this person capable of?

SPEAKER_06 34:37

The question though, did it feel performative, or was it just that person just wasn't tripping? Really, genuinely wasn't tripping, or did it feel performative?

SPEAKER_05 34:47

It really was genuine.

SPEAKER_01 34:50

Damn.

SPEAKER_05 34:51

It really was genuine. Which again, I don't think was necessarily still the best because I know I'm like that in a sense, but at the same time, I'm gonna voice my opinion. If I disagree with something or if I'm not feeling right about a situation, I'm not, you know, I'm gonna make sure that it's heard, you know, instead of just being, oh, you know, it's okay. It's alright, it's alright. It's not it's not alright. Everything is not gonna be alright. You know what I mean? So after a while, um, I can try to make some shit shake. Try to say intentionally we're gonna argue about something.

SPEAKER_06 35:36

Throw a grenade in the smoke and see what see what falls.

SPEAKER_05 35:40

But I I think, yeah, I think it's just find that healthy balance because yes, you can have someone who is a complete opposite of what you're used to. And yes, that is scary. But also just knowing how to have those conversations, I think makes things a hundred times better. Which a lot of people are just afraid of just having those real conversations, unfortunately. It's just it's painful. Yeah. But it's good, it's a good pain. You know what I mean? Like some stuff you have to hold a mirror to. That's just what it is. And from then on, you just get stronger. That's a another building block for your relationship. But if you don't ever build, like that foundation, you don't know what's that foundation looking like. As soon as you put some shit, that shit just, it could be sand. It could be, you know what I'm saying? You don't know what it is because you've never butted heads or you've never just, you know, just really got into it and had a deep conversation. You just vibing, just having a good time the whole time. Like it's that's cool for a while, but at what point do you start really digging into like the the meat of the relationship?

SPEAKER_06 36:54

Yeah, what the conflict resolution looks like. But see, that's why I asked if it was performative, because I think it's very rare that you got somebody who can come in and really effectively communicate their way through dodging issues. I think that takes a very mature, experienced person. And most people that we're dating at this age are not that. I mean, let's just keep it real. So what that leaves is that I'm avoiding confrontation to get to the designation that I want to get to, whether it be marriage, whether it be exclusivity, whether it be whatever the case may be. Yes, this does bother me, but I'm not gonna show you that it bothers me because I don't want to scare you off. Or I don't want you to look at me away or like I'm nagging or like I'm complaining, whatever the case may be. But then oftentimes that parlays into us getting married and the same things that was cool before. Now it's the issue. Now we argue over. And it's like you performed to get me to the altar. And me thinking, well, damn, she just she ain't tripping on nothing. She's smooth, or or he's smooth. He ain't tripping on nothing. I'm good. And then we get married, and then boom, the real you come out because you was being performative prior to. So that's just my take on that. I think um it probably was performative then. 100%.

SPEAKER_05 38:12

Because when it comes down to it, you'd be like, well, damn, why didn't you bring that to me? So yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_06 38:19

Like, never? You said a year and a half, two years. I if anybody or is familiar with women, that it's gonna be something.

SPEAKER_05 38:28

Right. There's no build-up, it's just breakup. You know what I mean? It's oh yeah, this been this is not right, this is not right. But like, damn, I've been asking, I've been checking, I've been trying to figure out what's what we've been, I'm thinking we having a good time, but nothing was ever brought to the table for me to even address. So yeah, I would agree it was definitely performative.

SPEAKER_06 38:49

The problem with it is that most people, most people are afraid of confrontation generally. But even those who ain't afraid of confrontation, like having a an uncomfortable conversation with your partner is harder than having that conversation with anybody else in the world. For some reason. You know what I mean? If it's anybody else, you will read them down, like, nah, this is you need to fix this. What the fuck is you? But when it's your partner, it's hard. You because you kind of navigating that minefield. I don't want to say nothing that hurts your feeling, but I want to get what I'm trying to get off, and then I I may get in the midst of getting it off, and now I see you getting emotional, so I'm pulling back, or I'm trying to weave, or I'm trying to take uh accountability for something that ain't even really my fault, just to make so it's all of that at play, and it's like all of that adds up to like it's very hard to communicate your issues and things that really bother you with the person that you love most. And that's crazy when you think about it, because we spend every day together, we talk about everything else. Like, we get in the detail, you know my vulnerabilities, you know how I look when I'm out of shape and I'm undressed and that you done seen me when, you know what I mean? My worst days. On my worst days. But I still it's still hard for me to sit down and say, baby, this is the problem that I have with you. It's hard, bro. And it ain't just us, it's them too. Women hold in a lot too. But then when you get mad, it makes it a little easier. Because it's like I'm already messed, I'm already frustrated. So But it's like, man, yeah, so I just I don't know. But that but that's safe, that safe thing. I think people will try to perform their way into it feeling safe, but that often leads to problems. I think the safest relationship is a transparent relationship. And it's and just like you said, that's gonna be uncomfortable conversations. You're gonna be pissed off at me. I'm gonna be pissed off at you. I don't, you know what I mean? I I might have felt like it was a bad time when you brought this up, or I might have felt, but the transparency, I never when I look at you, I never gotta guess. I never gotta ask you what's wrong. I never gotta, and damn, she said this, but damn, I wonder if it's really that. I never gotta do that. That's the safest relationship, in my opinion. But a lot of people consider safe as we ain't arguing. And that ain't true. That's the most dangerous relationship. Because oftentimes when we ain't arguing, or when it ain't, just d they done checked out. Or they done invested their feelings elsewhere. They still there physically, but mentally they already gone.

SPEAKER_05 41:40

So you're trying to figure things out and stuff like that, and they don't know how to have a conversation because y'all never had conversations. So don't even know how to open up to you because y'all never dealt with shit like that.

SPEAKER_06 41:55

And like I try to like think about how do we get that deep into a situation without that. Or without having that just because I I I feel like every now and again, just an all-out argument is necessary. Just to get all our frustrations out, just to get everything we gotta say out on the table. And it may be painful, but I feel like that's necessary every now and again just to hit the reset button. Cause I think most people in relationships, they are sweeping a lot of little things under the rug every day. I'm sweeping, sweeping, sweeping, sweep, sweeping. That should be refreshing. When you finally get facts.

SPEAKER_05 42:38

Let's do it. Let's take out all the trash. Like you said, lift that rug up, flip the mattress, all these crumbs that's under this motherfucker. Floorboards, getting screw up. Everything.

SPEAKER_06 42:50

Everything. It's necessary, bro. I agree. Nah, if y'all are doing it every week, that's something different. Something different.

SPEAKER_05 43:00

But here and there, you know what I mean? I just think because we, I think everybody kind of gets caught up in that fairy tale. Like people working, they coming home. When they come home, they want to spend time with each other. Watching movies or shows, whatever you have. You get up, reset, do it again. On the weekends, you want to have date night or whatever it is, you got family functions, whatever. So I feel like just that repetitiveness just nonstop. You don't really just sit down and like have those conversations because you don't want to mess up the flow. I feel like that's what it feels like. You don't want to like, especially if things at least seem like it's going good, you don't want to throw a wrench in it. You don't want to mess up the flow because, like, okay, well, hey, we've been, you know, we've been cool for the last three months, you know, everything going good. We just took a vacation, but sometimes you still got underlying issues that, you know, wasn't addressed.

SPEAKER_06 43:57

You know what it is a lot of times, too, is that. Sometimes my relationship is the only thing going right in my life. When I leave the house, it's a struggle. When I go to work, it's a struggle. When I'm in my second career or whatever, it's a struggle. Raising these kids, it's a struggle. Sometimes the only thing that's smooth, even when it's performative, is my relationship. I was watching a um debate, damn and I hate I'm forgetting her name right off the top of my head. But it was James Baldwin, and it was this gorgeous light-skinned girl, light fro, back in like the 70s. And she was saying, like, um, why does, you know, you go home, you go out in the world and you smile at everybody. You smile at that, at that supervisor that you can't stand. You, you, you smile at this person in the grocery store who was racist towards you. You smile, you, you know, you suck and job, and then you come home and then take all your frustrations out on me. Why don't you fake smile for me the way you fake smile for them? Like, and he was like, but but because what we got is real, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, well, how I mean, yeah, it's real, but I'm getting the worst of you. And they getting the best of you, even if it's performative, even if it's not true. You're still pleasant with them. Then you come home and dump everything on me, cussing me out, arguing with me, doing this, that, and third. Why don't you perform for me the way you perform for them? At least sometimes. And that was just heavy, and I was like, damn. That shit made me think about, that shit made me look at a lot of things different, bro. And it was just like, she right. At least some of the time. But it's like, I say all I had to say is sometimes your relationship is the only thing going right, even if it's performative. Struggling outside. Don't know how I'm gonna pay these bills, I don't know where my next piece of money is gonna come from. Homeboy snaking me. It's a lot of things going wrong outside. Family, I ain't getting along with a lot of things going on outside. But when I come home, I don't want to interrupt even the facade of peace. So I just let it slide. Or certain shit happened, I just, you know what? And I think that's what happens a lot of times, at least from a male perspective. But, you know, women, y'all can chime in in the comments and you know, let it let us know if it's something else in terms of what what y'all be dealing with. Wait a minute, man. We're gonna go back. Uh Sarah, my girl Sarah, man. Byron every week. Every week. She was having a conversation. Um to where she was speaking to how she escaped her hyper-independent mindset. We're gonna break it down.

SPEAKER_08 46:45

Do he look like as a wife to submit to her husband? And it's not by challenging every decision that he makes. Why would he choose you if every time he tells you to do something, you flip it back on him? Why? What's the point of that? No man would choose that. And also, now I understand what it actually means to be a praying wife, right? I don't want it to get taken out of context because Brock is an amazing person. And also, we think completely opposite. We are stark contrasts from one another. And in a lot of ways, we're very similar. But in the ways where we're opposite, sometimes I don't understand his method of thinking. And he doesn't understand my method of thinking. And so if we don't understand each other and I'm supposed to be submitted, that's when you got to give it to God. If there's anything I could ever say, what I have learned instead of being a wife, when they really say, you just gotta pray about it, sis. I was like, okay, like, okay, I'm I'm a prayer warrior anyway. What I have learned as a woman that has been an independent woman my whole life, since I moved to America by myself at 20 years old, figuring out how I was gonna get my life together. I have learned that just because I've been doing something and it works doesn't mean that a different way can't be better. And it is uncomfortable to just say, I'm gonna trust my husband, but I haven't been duped yet. I haven't been let down one. I might be disappointed because I don't understand how you could possibly see it that way. And then the result happens and it's like, oh, now I see how you can see it that way. Wow, I didn't see it like that. But it's better. And I feel like that is one of the greatest gifts to the woman is being able to stop making all of the decisions. I think that's what a soft life is, falling into your feminine and allowing that man to lead you, which is why it's important to choose a person that you trust. Now, are there going to be things along the way? He is not perfect, and neither am I. Are there going to be things along the way that we need to address and fix? Yes, absolutely. Oh my God, they're on a right now. And I'm never gonna sit here and act like I'm a perfect couple because I'm not. I get triggered, he gets triggered. I get upset, he gets upset. We have debates, arguments, whatever you want to call it. Yes, that happens.

SPEAKER_06 48:50

She said a lot. Said a lot in terms, and the key thing that stuck out to me was the trust. She said it was very hard for her to accept the fact that this is my husband that I chose and let him make decisions. The decisions that I've been used to making my whole life, because I've had to. You understand? And that speaks to the survival mode thing that we that we talked about before. It's a lot of women show up to relationships in survival mode. So it don't even matter how good of a leader that man is, he got to climb out of that ditch that he didn't even dig in order for his leadership skills to even be shown through because her lack of trust for it is gonna warp his attempts every time. Because I just don't trust you doing that. I've always had to make these decisions, but now you're asking me to put my livelihood in your hands, and that's terrifying for most women. What's what's what's your thoughts on on her uh rhetoric in that clip?

SPEAKER_05 49:50

I don't even I'm trying to find a good way to say it because I honestly feel it's not necessarily you as the man. It's not you, it's just her way of always doing things. Like she said, if her way has been working, it doesn't mean that when you do it or when you take the lead on something that it's gonna be wrong. It's just I've always done it this way, and it's worked. It's gotten me here, it's got me this far. It's gotten me, you know, whether it's house, car, like whatever it is, like the results and decisions that I've made have made me who I am today, and I trust that. And now you're telling me to let go of the steering wheel or get in the passenger seat and let you take over. That's hard. Especially when she's used to putting in the navigation and driving. She's used to making the turns where she wants to. No matter what the navigation says, she's used to making the turn, okay, I know the better way over here. Or let me go the scenic route because the highway might be a little too much. So let me take these side streets. Like, that's always been her way. My wife and I've been having conversations like that for a while. And it's it's slowly, you know, we we we chipping away at it. But I understand too, you know, it's is her and then being a single mom and things like that. Like, it's been a a treacherous road. You know what I mean? And so because of that, it's it's me constantly, it's not even proven, but I think one thing that I'm learning that I have to do is get ahead of things and just let her know what I'm doing. Because as me, I'm also operating how I've always done things, and which is just do it. Like, just I'm I'm always like taking my philosophy like to sports and just work and things like that. It's just the same thing I I try to take into the relationship, which all of it ain't healthy, but it's just getting it done. No matter how it gets done, as long as it's the right way, you're not doing anything wrong, you're not going against the company policies or you're not cheating or think doing anything like that, you just get it done. That that's all you know, is get it done and get the results. And so taking my mindset, changing it a little bit, and saying, hey, this is what I was thinking, or this is this is what I want to do, and just laying out the plan. And I think once you lay out the plan and she knows, and it's like, oh, okay, I may not agree, but you still want to get to the same destination. So that's that's all I need to know. I think that's what they be wanting to know, because you just have different ways of getting to the same destination. And that's what I've learned a lot about my relationship with my wife, man, is just, you know, it may not be the best. And she won't, sometimes she wants me to give her the answer like right on the spot. And that's not me. I like to weigh out every single option: good, bad, and different. I just want to make sure that I'm putting us in the right position to do whatever it is that we need to do. Now, there are certain situations where yes, I do need to act a little with more urgency sometimes. I agree a thousand percent. But there are also sometimes where, you know, I need to go to the drawing board. I need to, because I know that you want to make sure that you're comfortable in letting me lead, I need to make sure I'm covering all details when I'm bringing you the plan. So it's it's things like that that I think about as well. And yeah, man, I agree a thousand percent, man. It it takes, it takes too, it takes the woman taking a step back and just trusting that the leadership. And also trusting that sometimes it may not work. Like, that's just what it is. But we don't mind owning up to it. I don't, I don't think most men will be like, man, you let me do this. Like you just, you told me I could. Like, no, man, we gon' we gonna, if it's an L, we're gonna take that L, go back to the drawing board. And sometimes, you know, we will then the next time it's like, okay, well, this time, this decision, let me take baby into account. Let me pick her brain and see how she's feeling. Because even with the simple, the simplest things, like getting food. She don't know what she wants to eat. Hey, this is what we're eating tonight. I'm not asking you, is it this or this? This is what we're eating tonight. Or this is what we're going for date night, or whatever it is, like sometimes you do have to just make that decision instead of including her in so many decisions, because we do want to be inclusive in a relationship, especially in 2026. You know, we want to really keep in mind our woman and, you know, making sure we're not stepping on her toes or making her upset or things like that. So a lot of times we do kind of reach out just for a little bit of guidance or just reassurance, making sure we're making the right decision. But still, I think at the end of the day, they want us to go ahead and make that decision and just do it.

SPEAKER_06 54:56

I think I think a lot of women put us in a very impossible position because they're not ready to date yet. And they're not honest with themselves about that. I think that if it's that hard for you to take your hands off of that steering wheel, you shouldn't be in a dating pool. Just my opinion, right? Because when you're in a dating pool, what you're saying is I'm open to a man who's capable coming in, coming in here, leading, taking the first chair when it comes to decisions and things of that nature. Of course, I'm gonna provide counsel, my, you know, my perspective, but I'm 100% trusting him to make the right decision. That's what I'm bringing him in for. But from a male perspective, it's like you're hiring me to do a position that you're trying to do for me. You're hiring me to make decisions that you really want to make for me. Like a puppet. Exactly. Which puts us in an impossible position because if it goes wrong, then I'm to blame for it. Even though when I laid out the plan, instead of you saying, you know, whatever, you pull out a red pin and started Xing and marking and all of these things all over the plan, but then when it go wrong, I'm the one that got to be held accountable for it going wrong. So I think a lot of men are in a very impossible position because a lot of women are lying to themselves about how ready they are to date, how ready they are to enter the pool. Because when you are healthy and when you are confident and when you are not damaged and traumatized from your previous positions, it's gonna be a lot easier to let a man capable, keyword he is capable, of coming in here and leading and making decisions. And how you know he's capable, you take a look at his life. How's he leading his life? How successful is he in his life? How good is his decision making in his life? How responsible is he in his life? So by the time y'all become an exclusive item, you should have all of the information you need. But unfortunately, a lot of women, even after they become an exclusive item, it's still a tug of war when it comes to who's gonna lead in the decision making. And those women are not ready to date. And now that man, like I said, gotta do therapist level work in order for me simply to do my job.

SPEAKER_05 57:18

And to that, what you're saying, too, like, even what we talk about all the time, all the things that I did and currently doing to get here. I get here, you want me because of where I'm at, and then start questioning the things that I'm doing while I'm here. Right. Or question the the time I'm away for work or whatever it is. Like, that's what attracted you to me. So why is that being questioned when I have a proven method and you saw that and thought that it was attractive, but now that you're here, and now that you really see what's going on, you you're not getting bits and pieces. You living it 24-7 with me. Now you're here, and now, you know, certain things are an issue.

SPEAKER_06 58:00

You know what I think it is? I think it's most women don't trust their own decision making. And how they react to things, just like you're describing, reflects that. Just like you said, this man has a track record of doing this, doing that, whatever, whatever, whatever. That's how he got the position, that's how he got the role. But I think a lot of women, when they make decisions, they get to thinking about all the decisions they got wrong in the past. Because dudes in the past seemed like this type of man, or they thought he was gonna be like this type of man that's currently in front of her right now, but they wasn't. It ended up going bad. And like I said, they didn't take the time to heal. They didn't take the time to get the therapy that they needed and really work through what went wrong in those situations. They just jumped into a new situation. So those same fears and those same triggers and all those things are there, even when a threat is no longer present. And which goes to the question I'm gonna ask you. As a man, how much patience should I have coming into a situation like that? Are you already married or not? No. I'm talking, we we we dating, we we exclusive, and you know, I'm trying to lead, but she constantly stepping on that and constantly highly critiquing me and trying to sit in that passenger seat and reach for the steering wheel, and I'm just getting frustrated with it. How much grace should I have with that knowing her past or knowing what she's trying to work from?

SPEAKER_05 59:26

I think she, you know, she gets a couple times, you know, to kind of bump her head or understand what's going on. But after about two times, especially when it's like important decisions, I think y'all have to sit down and really lay things out and have a have that conversation. Like, this is what it's gonna be. If you want to be with me, this is how I make my decisions. This is how I think. This is all the things that I'm thinking about whenever I'm making these decisions. I'm never not including you in my decision making.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:04

Right.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:04

Like, I'm always having you in mind. I may not come to you, but I'm always having you in mind. I'm always thinking about how you can be affected by certain said decisions. So I think just trying to also get them to understand who you are and how you work, because that's another thing. Women, they always want to know what we're thinking, how we thinking, and you know, so I think as long as you can give them some type of insight into who you are, I think may help ease the process. But at the end of the day, like if she has insecurity issues for whatever reason we're in a relationship, that's her. I can only do so much reassuring. I can only game plan so much and keep you in the loop. If you still have issues, that's above me. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_06 1:00:53

So And it's like if you have that many questions or that many um uncertainties about what I'm capable of doing, how did I get this spot to begin with?

SPEAKER_05 1:01:05

Who are you talking to? What videos are you watching?

SPEAKER_06 1:01:09

What it boils down to is that you just want somebody next to you, and then you're gonna figure it out. That's a terrible way to enter into a relationship, but that's how most people enter into a relationship. I ain't did the work that I need to do, I ain't did the healing, I ain't went to no therapy, I ain't read no books, I ain't did none of that. But I'm jumping into a new situation because I'm lonely. And I want somebody next to me, and I'm looking on Instagram and my friend is and her man is traveling the bali and they're on yachts and doing this and that. They're going out to dinner, and you know, my other friend's celebrating her three-year anniversary and things of that nature, and I don't have nobody, and it's like, okay, this is this person I think is cool, whatever, whatever. I don't trust him in terms of his decision making or his leadership and things of that nature. But I just want to have somebody next to me. Then I get him next to me, and he may be perfectly capable of leading, but I won't allow him to do the job that I hired him to do. Then if he gets frustrated, going back to the grace question that I asked you, if he gets frustrated and be like, you know what, I ain't dealing with this, now you're a bad guy. Because he didn't have the patience to work with her through her transition into quote-unquote soft life or letting a man lead and things like that. Or he's sassy. Oh, he's sassy.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:19

So it's like you don't know too, like looking at all that stuff on Instagram and you know, things like that, like you see saying about Bali. They they can be arguing the whole damn time on Bali. The whole trip. But you see a couple pictures and think it's everything just, oh, it's just so beautiful. They're great, they look so good together, and they are they at each other's throats the entire time. Right. And you worried about what they got going on.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:46

Let's go back to what I'm saying, bro. I guess the the main theme of what I'm saying is show up prepared with me. Because I'm gonna show up prepared with you. Like you you you owe it to me to show up as the best version of you. Just like I owe it to you to show up as the best version of me. You can't prosecute me for crimes that the niggas before me committed that that has nothing to do with me. I'm coming in moving this way. I don't care what your exes did. I don't care what the dudes before that you was dating, whatever, did that has nothing to do with me. Judge me by what I'm doing. Judge me by my track record, judge me by how I move. But if I feel like you're judging me based on what somebody else did, I will replace your ass. Simple and plain. I don't owe you therapy services. It's only so much grace that I'm gonna be willing to give because again, we're gonna link and we gotta learn each other and things that, okay, you do that this way, okay, I do that this way. That's that's surface level learning things, but I'm not, I don't owe you therapy services. We unpacking childhood traumas and traumas from two niggas ago that has nothing to do with me, but I'm dealing with the consequences of what he did. I will replace your ass. Simple and plain. And if you're not ready to show up to me as the best version of yourself, stay your ass on the sideline and do the work that you need to do. Cause you're in the way out here. And that go for men and women.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:23

But people too afraid to be alone. At the end of the day. That's what it is. That's why they had these casual hookups too. Because they need even it was just that temporary feel, that temporary fix. Like people would much rather start over every other month in situationships just to keep that fulfillment and keep that excitement.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:47

You used to play basketball a lot back in the day. I know because I was there. He did, right? So it's like when you get to that court, they got the main court, typically, where like the like dudes who can actually play and that's really good, that's what they're playing, and then they got the little side court. Where the niggas who ain't that good, or niggas who, eh, it's questionable over there, but they gotta they got a court to play on over there. Dating games should work the same way. I agree. It's nothing wrong with you, you know, not being ready and wanting to waste people's time. But go to the court where niggas is wasting people's time and not ready to date at. Don't come to the main court where niggas is really trying to hold, we really trying to win. Right. We really trying to find our life partner and we really trying to get this thing rolling the right way. Don't come over there with that uncertainty and that insecurity and that lack of confidence. Leave that shit on the little side court over there. That's all I ask. That's a fact.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:46

And don't get mad at wasted time when you a time waster yourself. I mean boy can't afford today, man. He can't afford today. That should be pissing me off too. It's like you ain't trying to be here either. What are you mad for? Come on, bro. You play on this court too. What are you upset about? Because he beat you to it?

SPEAKER_06 1:06:11

He beat you on that court. You lost on that court. You lost on the side court. Now you mad at me for winning. I thought we were playing the same game. But because I won, now I'm the bad guy. Alright, well, we're going to do one more, man, before we get to QA. You were thinking you wouldn't have thought that. Come on, man. Come on, man. Women who move like they value themselves get valued the most. I'm gonna play this clip, man. We're gonna break down what they had to say.

SPEAKER_07 1:06:43

I had a homeboy once tell me a man can't respect a woman more than she respects herself. Baby, I'll never forget that. He said, when a woman always needs male attention, always in somebody's face, men notice that quicker than women think. Confidence is attractive. Yeah. But constantly needing validation from different men reads as insecurity, not self-worth. And stop acting like every reckless decision was just a whole phase. Growth is owning it, not romanticizing it. His exact words were the woman who moves like she values herself usually gets valued the most. And yes, that stuck with me.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:22

The woman who moves like she values herself typically gets valued the most. Oh, what's your initial thoughts on that, man?

SPEAKER_05 1:07:32

If the bag is a thousand dollars, the bag is a thousand dollars. It's not, it's Tuesday, so it's five hundred. Saturday, so it's two hundred. Like, a thousand dollars is a thousand dollars.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:46

Simple and plain.

SPEAKER_05 1:07:48

And two, far too many times, like, yeah, a lot of women will, you know, move that way, unfortunately, you know, whether it's for attention or, you know, whatever it is, like I'm I always say it, because my boy Illa said it the best. He said it perfect. You moving with the hose, looking like a hoe, essentially. And you can't be expected to be treated differently. And I think that's the issue, is like I wanna I want to put on this facade because it's fun over here, but I don't want to be perceived that way. When you can't do that, you can't.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:34

I I want to put on a police uniform, but I don't want to solve crime. I want to put on a doctor's outfit, but I don't want to do surgery.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:41

None of that. None of that. I don't want to get close to it. I see what you're saying. But far too often that happens, and and y'all try to dibble and dabble and and and think that it's gonna work for y'all, but it's not. It's not. Unfortunately. If especially if you outside, you in every man's phase, you dressing half naked all the time. Like, I love y'all. And then you know I'm gonna keep it real with y'all. Y'all can't be dressing half naked. You got you see wearing see-through clothing, and you post in see-through clothing, and that's that's all you see on your that's all you see. It's your timeline. So that's all you posting for the world to see. But expect a man to come, you know, come at you with some dignity and not offer, not say, like, you know, how much shit, how much it costs? You know what I'm saying? How much it costs? What is life for the weekend? What it is for the weekend. You know what I'm saying? Like, how could you not expect that when that's how you carrying yourself?

SPEAKER_06 1:09:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:40

You know what I mean? But if you're not carrying yourself like that, you're gonna be treated with more respect because there are plenty of women out here. I've seen it. Plenty of women out here who still dress sexy. That's still not revealing too much. It's like just enough. It's a it's somewhat to tease you, but it's also showing that you have class. And right there, you have separated yourself from the rest of the pack. Like there are women who literally will have a dress on or some shorts, and you literally showing your ass. You leave the house knowing damn well that shit don't fit you. You know, leaving the house knowing damn well that shit is hanging out, falling out, but you don't care. The whole night you just trying to you take two steps, it's back up.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:21

Like you trying to twerk and hold the dress down at the same time.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:25

Come on. Come on.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:27

And then when a man comes and you like, shit, he just nigga out of pocket.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:32

He is out of pocket. Yeah, we ain't we ain't gonna validate it. He's out of pocket. What is it? But that's that's that welcomes that. You know what I'm saying? I'm not now please. That's not right by any means. Right. However, it welcomes that. So don't, you know what I'm saying, just just be super careful with what y'all doing and then how y'all carrying yourselves because like it comes with a price.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:56

Hey, man, I it was a young lady put me on game back in the day. Um, she told me straight to my face, she said, I can't treat you better than you treat yourself. And at the time, I was like, What you mean? She was like, look at your nails. Your nails are dirty. You don't even take care of yourself. Like your t-shirt dirty. You just can't even play bad football or whatever, cable. Like, what is you, like you ain't, this is how you presenting yourself to be? I can't treat you better than you treat you. And I was like, damn, that's crazy. She got to laying shit out like you, you know, you ain't you ain't even studying the way you need to for your exam. You ain't even, you don't care about you. Why should I care more about you than you do? And that shit opened my eyes. I was like 14.

SPEAKER_05 1:11:44

Letting this man or letting men only hit you up late at night after 12. He don't hit you up all day. It's 10, 10, 11 o'clock. Now you want to ask, what you doing? And you respond.

SPEAKER_06 1:11:59

I can't value you more than you value yourself, baby. That's just honest. You know what I mean? And unfortunately, a lot of men are kind of tasked with that responsibility, bro. Like, going back to what we talked about on previous pods when we was talking about the mature thing to do would be if I don't really like this girl, and I know she wouldn't do whatever for me, she wouldn't, to just leave her alone. You know what I mean? But in my opinion, we shouldn't even be tasked with that decision. I feel like I should, or they should know themselves so much or be so confident in themselves that when we veer out of what their boundaries are, they should be willing to walk away all on their own. We should, I shouldn't have to be an adult for you. But unfortunately, a lot of times that's what we're tasked to do. So, you know, that's essentially what she's saying. The the standard that you have for yourself, you can't get mad at people for treating you according to the standard that you set for yourself. You abiding by that standard. You only respect yourself this much. Why the hell should I come in and respect you this much when you respect yourself that much? And that goes for men and women. Because you got men who's, man, she finessed me, man, she she used me for dates. She does. Nigga, y'all been on 10 dates. You couldn't tell that it wasn't no chemistry there. You spending money all 10 dates, you pay for all 10 dates. She came to ask you for build money on day two. And you couldn't tell that she may not be here for just me. She she may probably be here for my money or for what I can do. I can't you can't expect nobody to treat you better than you treat you. People be having a price tag on there. This is like going into the car dealership. People be having a price tag on the car and expecting people to walk in and pay more than the price tag that they put on the car themselves. If this car's selling for $20,000, I'm paying $20,000. You can't put a $20,000 price tag on there and expect me to come in and pay $100,000. It don't work like that. It don't. That's just not real life. And nor should I be crucified or judged or looked down upon for coming in and paying the price that you put on the sticker. If you're willing to let me come over there at 4, 5 in the morning, two, three, four times a week, I shouldn't be looked at as a bad guy for doing it. If you're willing to give me an all-access pass to you, despite me not giving you nothing but two shots of Don Julio, I shouldn't be looked at as the bad guy for doing it. That's what the price of me is. I'm paying the price of admission. That's how men think. I'm not saying that to like validate the behavior or whatever, but I'm saying this is how men think. Men are gonna pay the price of admission. Not a penny more, not a dime more. So if you want that man to operate at a certain level, set the price accordingly. But you can't have the price down here and expecting him to operate like the price is up here. Men are not gonna do that. You're gonna be forever disappointed for Ness and have your feelings hurt and used.

SPEAKER_05 1:15:15

I'm gonna share a quick, just quick story time, real quick. This is over 10 years ago, by the way. But um, so that was a young lady that I was talking to, and the first time it happened, it was just organic. It was just like she was like, hey, she wanted to hang out or whatever. I was like, well, hey, I'm going out with the guys tonight, yada, yada. So if you're still up, then you know, you can pull up, you know, when I'm back with the guys. But I already told the guys I'm going out. She was like, all right, that's cool. So then I hit her up. It was about like around one o'clock or so. I'm like, you know, you still up? And she's like, yeah, I'm still up. I said, okay, bet. Um when I leave here, I'm gonna go grab some food, yada yada yada. And she was like, oh, I'll go get it for you, you know, so you ain't gotta do it, you just go straight. I'm like, okay, bet. You know what I'm saying? I'm on I'm on some pluckers. You know, give me that 10 piece, you know what I'm saying? Extra hot lemon pepper. You know what I'm saying? And I want the waffle fries. Yeah. So she she brought it. You know what I'm saying? You know, let her know I was home, she brought it over. So then, like, it almost became like a system to where, like I said, the first time it was organic, but then after a while, it was just like, hey, you up? She's like, Yeah. I'm like, all right, I'm on my way home. Can you give me some Wi-Fi? Can you give me some?

SPEAKER_06 1:16:40

Turn her into a DoorDasher. See, a personal private delivery person, full delivery.

SPEAKER_05 1:16:50

She never turned me down. But I had to, I was like, I can't keep doing this. Because I I was really, after a certain point, I was just like, I'm just trying to see if she'll do it. Because it would be some points where we wouldn't even, like, like I said, this time was organic and it was, you know, the first time was, hey, what you doing tonight? There were plenty of times where I didn't hit up all day until I'm about to leave the club. Hey, I need some heat check. Give me that all-star special. All right, I don't know. What time you be home? Well, okay, I'm gonna be on about 2.15, 220. Hot and ready when I got home.

SPEAKER_06 1:17:29

Hey. She used to put it in the microwave. We took it a little longer. Make sure it's steaming when you walk in. Don't be like me. Be better than me. Be better than me. Yeah, but it's like But if it worked. This, bruh, this what I will stand on this hill until I'm no longer on this earth. People ain't gonna do a damn thing more than you let them do. Simple and plain, bruh. And that's why I say all the time, if I was single tomorrow, I would not have dating issues. I wouldn't. Because the standard is the standard. You're gonna rise to it, or you will be replaced with somebody who can rise to it. Somebody gonna wanna do it. Somebody's gonna do what it do. Somebody gonna do it. And it's in this and it's really that simple for me. It's black and white like that for me. You know what I mean? For real. But when you start trying to create gray area out of something that should be black and white, that's where you get in trouble at. Because you get to bending on shit that you should not be bending on. I don't care how attractive they are. I don't care how fat the ass is, I don't care how tall he is, or how much money he got, the standard should be the standard. But when it ain't, now that person gets to dictate what the standard is. And that's where you get in trouble at. You understand? But yeah, you can't expect people to value you more than you value you. You gotta look in that mirror and be confident enough to say, this is what I deserve and this is what I'm gonna get. I'm not taking a penny, I'm not taking a penny less. This is like loaning a nigga money. You loan a nigga $10,000, he tried to show up with five. No, you owe me $10,000. Not a penny less. I'm not taking 9,999 and 99 cents. I'm not taking, I need $10,000 on the dot. That's how, matter of fact, that's how specific you gotta be with your standards and what it is that you require from people. But if you bend or if you lean a little bit, people gonna take advantage of that. And that's your fault. That ain't theirs, bro. That's all I'm saying, bro. But what we got for QA, bro? Well, I got a coupon.

SPEAKER_05 1:19:30

I got a coupon. It don't work at the end.

SPEAKER_06 1:19:32

We don't take no coupons, we don't take no EBTs, my nigga. Is Visa, MasterCard, or cash? Period.

SPEAKER_05 1:19:41

All right. So, what can a man expect during the pregnancy phase? Hell in the high water, now bad. Uh being a being a father, you know, what what can he expect during the pregnancy phase?

SPEAKER_06 1:20:04

It's like riding on a plane. Like you know, you done rolling a lot of planes before. I know because I was there for a lot of them.

SPEAKER_05 1:20:11

Freaking fly, freaking fly.

SPEAKER_06 1:20:12

And when we hit certain altitude, certain weather, it becomes unpredictable. Right? You can be chilling one minute, kick back, watching your TV on your phone. Next minute, that C belt light on, everybody motherfucking Jake in, the alert's going off and all of that. That is what a pregnant woman, being a relationship, be in the same house with a pregnant woman feels like. It could be perfectly fine one minute, and then the next minute you look over and she's crying. Or the next minute you look over and she's angry, or she has an attitude, or the next minute, you know, y'all might have just ate the hour ago. She's already back hungry. But not only is she hungry, she wants something specific. Mm-hmm. So it's like you just gotta be fluid. You gotta be ready to adjust and make sure that, you know, you're not the cause of even further discomfort or, you know, um anger or whatever the case may be. You just gotta pay attention to the old lady, constantly check on her, make sure she's straight, make sure she got everything she needs. But in terms of that stability that you used to having with her, and don't get me wrong, women are emotionally unstable. Alright, not pregnant. So just take that and like multiply by 10. And then that'll give you an accurate picture of like how she's gonna be. Like everything is gonna mean something. Every word that comes out of your mouth means something. Every action that you do means something. Every sigh, every deep breath, every why you why are you looking like that? Like the look that you have in feeling, everything means something. She's hypersensitive to everything that's going on around her. Facts. So it's like you gotta be cognizant of that. Don't take it personal. Just try to be there and comfort her and appease her as much as you can within reason. But if you want to know what it's like, just think of being on the plane. When they say, Yeah, we're getting ready to come into some turbulent weather. We're gonna go ahead and buckle up the seat belts. When then when we get into that turbulent weather, that's how it is.

SPEAKER_05 1:22:30

You are a butler and a personal assistant for 10 months. Right.

SPEAKER_06 1:22:36

Which is valid because she's doing the heavy lifting. She's growing a human. Is what it is. And she's going to remind you. And she's right. You gotta learn. That's the that's the phrase that you gotta learn how to say. Especially during that time. Baby, you're right. Baby, you right. Just take care of it. You're right. Get it done. It don't matter if you got evidence or 4K of her being wrong. Baby, you right. Do what you gotta do, bro. Because she's doing the heavy lifting. She's doing, she's not only the heavy lifting physically, but the psychological heavy lifting. Baby, get here. It's gonna be postpartum. It's gonna be, it's gonna be a lot going on in terms of her instability. Like I said, that's why I said multiplied by 10. Because that's what it's gonna be like throughout different phases of that pregnancy. And you gotta be that rock. You gotta be that calm. You gotta be that level setter. You gotta be the one that, regardless of what's going on, you the one she can come to that rock, that support. You gotta be that. Because she's carrying your baby. You have to repeat yourself quite a bit. Watch the tone that you repeat yourself. Watch, yeah, exactly. Don't say I said. God damn it, I said. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Slow down. Slow down. Babe.

SPEAKER_05 1:24:07

Right. Whatever y'all nickname is, lead with that. Lead with that. That lets a guard down.

SPEAKER_06 1:24:15

Oh God. But like I said, she's right. Yeah. Because she's doing the heavy lifting. It is what it is.

SPEAKER_05 1:24:24

That's a fact. You gotta be very careful. Be very, very careful. Cravings is come out the blue. Um. Keep your keys in your pocket. Yep. At any given moment, you're gonna have to, you know, whatever her cravings is, go get it. If it's something that you can stack up on, get it from the store. Have an extra in the pantry, fridge, whatever it is. Like just some of it, be prepared. But also, be prepared for it to switch. That you done stocked up and she don't want that no more. Now it's making her feel queasy. The same thing that she was just loving. Now it's like, mm-mm, mm-mm. I don't want that no more. Made me throw up or whatever it is. So you just gotta be, like, like he said, extra careful with everything. Everything is sensitive. Everything is sensitive. Emotions be all over the place. So yeah, just buckle up. It's beautiful, it's still it's a beautiful process, though. You know, especially when you're going to the doctor and you just see the growth, you see the progress and things like that. You know what I mean? It's it's it's beautiful at the end of the day, but it is a process, for sure.

SPEAKER_06 1:25:32

Baby, you're right. Learn it, master it. Embrace it. Baby, you're right.

SPEAKER_05 1:25:43

All right, man, all right, man. So I ain't gonna start no trouble. Um someone asked, when is it okay to let someone spin the block that you were in a serious relationship with?

SPEAKER_06 1:26:01

When you've seen tangible change. Um, not words. I think that's a mistake a lot of people make. People come back with a bunch of words, sometimes tears, sometimes frowning faces, and you know, to try to convince you that they've gone through the hardships necessary to be the person that they need you or you need them to be. When in reality, there's nothing tangibly different about how they're moving. But when you're making that decision to spend a block, I need to analyze your life, and I need to analyze how you were when we ended, and I need to do some comparing and some contrasting. And if it's too many similarities there, then I'm not doing it. But if there's some actual change, some tangible change, some, you know, for instance, I was, you know, on you about not being as ambitious as you should be. Now you do you coming back with a degree, or you're coming back with a certification, you're coming back with a new situation. Okay, boom. That's tangible change. I was on you about not being romantic as you should be. But now you showing up with flowers. You showing up, you know, with with dates planned and things of that nature. Hey, baby, just be ready by eight o'clock. I got you. That's tangible change, right? But if you just coming to me with words, hey, baby, I'm different. I promise this is gonna be different. Just give me another chance. I'm gonna where's the tangible change that I can see? If you can't see tangible change, then you do not spin the block. Simple as that.

SPEAKER_05 1:27:30

I agree a thousand percent. And to what you said, especially if if certain things are important, it also needs to be consistent. Because, you know, those tangible changes, it can be two, three weeks, and you're like, oh, okay, he's coming around. Right. And the moment you let that guard down, he stopped. You know what I'm saying? He sends you those flowers trying to get you back. Then he sends it week one, week two, y'all, you know, it's starting to you're starting to hang out again and things are going good. Week three, he's sending flowers. Week four, he's in flowers, and then week five.

SPEAKER_06 1:28:02

Folded like a lawn tail in the week five.

SPEAKER_05 1:28:04

Now, if he communicate, hey, you know what I mean? I know we were having a difficult time. I was really trying to get you back. I definitely don't mind sending flowers, but it's just not going to be every week. Right. But I'm definitely going to stay on top of making sure every other week or once a month, you for sure gonna have like that's conversations that, you know what I'm saying, he can have. And if he mature, then I think you'd be more open to that. Right. But I don't, I don't, realistically, I don't think most women want flowers every single week.

SPEAKER_06 1:28:33

Right.

SPEAKER_05 1:28:34

You know what I mean? But some type of gesture for sure, I do understand, is is needed every week. But yeah, like you said, that consistency, man, you gotta see it. You gotta see it. And then don't just let it be for a short period of time. Because that's how you get tricked. And that's how you get on and off and on and off. Because you'll let it, you'll let it slide, you know. Oh, okay, well, you know, it's it's alright, or it's alright, or it's uh we just going through a rough action. No, it needs to be more consistent than it is not. At the end of the day, that's what I would say.

SPEAKER_06 1:29:06

Shout out to my girl Shise. So, man, she out there killing shit. Um, she's an influencer and host and a bunch of different things, man. She be she be doing her thing, man. Shout out to my girl.

SPEAKER_05 1:29:18

All right. I don't know. What do I do? My baby daddy won't support our child because I don't want to have relations with him.

SPEAKER_06 1:29:29

I think you stand firm on what your boundary is. Um, unfortunately in life, man, we gotta make a lot of hard decisions. Um, but I think what shouldn't be sacrificed is your moral code and your moral foundation. You shouldn't have to have sex with him to show up for your child the way he needs to. Again, that's y'all child. That's not your kid, that's y'all kid. So I think it speaks to the maturity level that that man has. And it's just like, you know, that ain't something that you can fix. That ain't something that you can, you know, get him from point A to point B on. Like, he gotta be mature. He gotta wake up and decide, okay, I need to be a grown-ass man and take care of this kid that's mine walking around in this world. It ain't nothing that you're gonna be able to do to convince him to do that. But what you can control is what you tolerate from him. You lay out the boundaries, you lay out if you want a relationship with your child, this is what I need. We got all that little sex shit, that shit over with. It don't even think about that. You can have the relationship with your kid that you want, as long as you take it taking care of the responsibilities that you're supposed to have. I don't know if y'all been to court or not, but if y'all been to court, whatever the judge says is what's supposed to be happening, if that happens, you can have as much access to your child as you want. But if you just not doing nothing, ain't contributing nothing, and then you expect to just pop up and have sex and the no. Hell no. And if that means that he ain't in the kid's life, that's a decision he made, not you. And niggas say, no ass. No cash. Niggas out of pocket.

SPEAKER_05 1:31:13

Niggas is out of pocket, boy. It's crazy, my nigga. All right. I want to go to a silly one, but I kind of want to hit this deep one just for a second. It's kind of, it's kind of kind of dark, but anyway. She said, my hubby has stage four cancer. Damn. I found out he cheated shortly after. Should I stay or should I go? Wait, he caught the cancer and then cheated? She found out shortly after. She found out he cheated shortly after she found out about the cancer. Damn.

SPEAKER_06 1:31:47

Um, I mean, that that that cancer ain't got nothing to do with how he's moving. And ain't got nothing to do with your boundaries for him. So if cheating is a deal breaker for you, I don't think the cancer should factor into your decision making. I don't. If cheating is a deal breaker and you feel disrespected and violated and things of that nature, you don't feel safe there, there shouldn't be exceptions made for violations that he made.

unknown 1:32:14

I agree.

SPEAKER_06 1:32:15

That's just my take on that. Which is bad timing for him. It's rough. But it is what it is. I don't want to say karma, because that's a little deep. But you know, you was violating. You was you was out of pocket. My nigga, it is what it is. You was out of pocket. And she found out that at a rough time where you where you needed the most. But again, grown folks' decisions have grown folks' consequences, brother. And unfortunately, those consequences don't hit when we're ready for them, do they? That's a thousand percent. Or how we want them to show up. The consequences don't show up like that. Never took convenience. Ever. So it's like when we out here doing dirt, that's just like a nigga in the street. If you out here doing dirt, you get when if you get caught by the police and you get locked up, hey, that come with it. That's what I was doing. And I knew that when I was violating. I knew that when I was doing what I was doing. So in his case, when he was out there messing with the other chick, he knew losing you was a real possibility. Nothing else that happens around that matters. Or it shouldn't, if it's a deal breaker. But if it's not a deal breaker for you, then you know you stay and you try to work through it. But don't let the cancer keep you in a situation that violates what your moral foundation is. That's my take on it. I'm with you.

SPEAKER_05 1:33:35

All right, I got one for the fellas. We don't really get one for the fellas too often. Can you give advice to men who have been divorced on love again? Um, damn, that is a deep one. I feel like it's hard because you definitely give your all. And experiencing that breakup, the the trauma that comes with it, the feelings, the emotions, all that. Like a lot of men don't want to feel that again. We feel something one time, it's like, I'm done with it, for the most part. Um But I think I think age plays a factor for sure. Um Me personally, I would be open to it, but of course, now you you take your time more, you understand, you try to see like the things that you did wrong, what adjustments could you make? Did you even choose the right partner to begin with? Like all that stuff you want to go and evaluate and just and take your time with. Definitely don't rush it. Have that conversation with that person, like let them know that, hey, you know, I was in something serious for however long, we got divorced, and you know, if it's struggling with trust or whatever it is, let that person know. Right, this is what I'm dealing with, this is what I'm trying to process, this is what I'm I'm trying to heal from, this is what I'm currently in. And so I need you to, you know, to understand that I'm not gonna be perfect. Understand that, you know, that there are things that I may have done before that now I see and I just don't want to do.

SPEAKER_06 1:35:18

Right.

SPEAKER_05 1:35:18

So I think it's just picking that person that understands that. And more times than not, somebody that's also divorced is really gonna understand that. But having somebody that was just never married before, I think may have a difficult time understanding, you know, what you're dealing with or what you're going through. Because it's kind of like like having kids. Like one person has a kid and one person doesn't have a kid. Right. Like you can be around kids, but if you don't physically have a kid yourself, you don't understand the day in, day out processes and things that you have to do to provide and take care of a kid. That's it. So um, so yeah, just I would just be as transparent as possible, as open as possible. But I mean, if you're really looking for love and you really would like to get married again, um, yeah, just take your time. Take your time. I mean, I shit, I know a few guys that married three, four, five times. So clearly they're not afraid. You know what I mean? Um, is just the fact that, you know, you just gotta make sure you're choosing the right partner.

SPEAKER_06 1:36:21

Yeah, I mean, I think the most important thing is just watching the game tapes. Um, the reality is one of the funniest things that men say after they get divorced, man ain't never getting it. Never again. Never, never doing it again. It ain't never happening. And then you run into a woman who you don't want to lose. A woman who shows up different than your last woman did, a woman who listens better, a woman who values you more, who pedicalizes you more, who, you know, doesn't treat you like this is what you're supposed to be doing. She's appreciative. She knows how to say thank you. She knows how to apologize. She knows how to be there to support you. She knows how to, you know what, let me give my man a little space. He don't want to like she knows you, she navigates and y'all engage in a relationship that's so much better than your prior relationship. And you say, you know what? Marriage is important to her, and I don't want to lose her. So we get married again. So it's nothing wrong with that unless, like I said, you don't analyze what went wrong in your previous relationship. Because the thing about just jumping from relationship to relationship is that you are often setting yourself up to repeat the same ending because you ain't, you know, analyze what went wrong and analyze how I better need to navigate that the next time that I run into it. So as long as that work is being done, like I say, you you can you can say what you want to say, brother. But the thing about love, love don't give a damn about nothing that's coming out your mouth, bruh. When you run into that woman who's incredible and who makes you feel a certain way, but all that you're talking right now, while you're single and fresh out and you doing your thing with it, none of that's gonna matter. But like I said, if you're gonna get back into it, make sure that you learned what you needed to learn from the past relationship so you don't repeat the same mistakes.

SPEAKER_05 1:38:20

Okay, man. He got some silly questions in here. All right. This is gonna be a quick hit. Like literally a quick hit. One word. If my boyfriend has been cheating on me for over a year, should I give him another chance?

SPEAKER_06 1:38:40

It it depends on if cheating is a deal breaker for you. That's all I was gonna say. Cheating ain't a deal breaker for everybody. You know what I mean? Um You gotta you gotta ask yourself, like, can I do I still respect him? Do I still feel like he can be a better version of himself? Do I feel like things have changed from when the the violation initially happened to now in terms of his mindset, in terms of our relationship, how well we learned each other, how much we navigate each other better, and things of that nature. So if cheating is not a deal breaker, then those are the things that you gotta analyze to really stamp whether or not shit can be different. You know, don't just fall on nostalgia. I think that's what a lot of people do, man. Somebody cheat or whatever, and you may leave for temporarily, but nostalgia, pull your ass right back. You get to think about all those memories and you know, the when everything was good, and how, you know, our inside jokes and the goddamn shows we used to watch, and you know, all those dates that we had, it was fun, it was this, da-da-da-da. And then that nostalgia pulled your ass right back into a situation that ain't changed at all. And then we repeat the same consequences. So those are the things that I would that I would look forward to. But if you analyzing a situation and you feel like I don't think I could ever look at them the same. Or I don't know if I could ever trust them the same. Walk.

SPEAKER_05 1:40:13

My answer would be no. Don't take them back, plain and simple. One, you you wrote this in to ask us, but two, if he's constantly cheating, going back to what we talked about earlier in the pod, then you are lessening your value.

SPEAKER_06 1:40:31

Plain and simple. Here's a question. Let's say he was cheating, because he said he was cheating for over a year. See they say multiple women just over a year. He might just have a little side chick for over a year. Do you look at that differently in comparison to if he was just fucking around multiple chicks throughout the whole year? Hell no.

SPEAKER_05 1:40:49

Same rules apply. Same rules apply. Whether it's multiple women or one woman multiple times. Like, no, I don't think so. Because that shit at this point, if anything, he more he invested. Ballot. I don't know what's R. Case really said it's probably worse if you just constantly cheat with one woman. Yeah. You definitely invest into that. Versus it being sporadic or just a, you know, meet somebody in the club or you go out of town, you go to Columbia or some shit. Like, that's cheating is cheating, but I mean, you going constantly back to one person, yeah, it's it's it's something deeper. It's something deeper. You mean two relationships.

SPEAKER_06 1:41:28

Do you do do you feel like a man could cheat or violate or whatever and then come back and have a chance to be different? Learn a lesson and actually move different. It's possible. But the likelihood.

SPEAKER_05 1:41:44

If no, it's not even likelihood, it's just if she like I think it all depends on how she moves and the amount of pressure she puts him under. Gotcha. Like, you gotta go through a rigorous school or recovery or whatever you want to call, like, you gotta go through some strenuous training to get back and earn everything back. Right. I think it's only right. And if you don't, he's gonna keep playing with you.

SPEAKER_06 1:42:21

That's just what he's gonna keep playing with you. Here's a question. Let's say that she leaves him. How long should she stay gone for that leaving him to be felt properly?

SPEAKER_05 1:42:36

That's rough too, because at the end of the day, even even when like they were to get back together, she's still gonna have them flashes of of what he did. So it's never ever gonna be a hundred percent. You know, you may get it back to 97, 98, but it's always gonna be that slight doubter because what did happen. So I I can't really put a timetable on it. Cause I can't say six months. I can't say that's enough time because she's still shit, four or five months in, she's still gonna be grieving that and thinking about that. So at minimum, maybe a year, but it's it's gonna take some time. It's gonna take a lot of gestures. It's gonna take, like you said, uh the you're gonna see some change. You gotta see them. You gotta see the changes and it gotta be consistent.

SPEAKER_06 1:43:25

How much stock should she put into the reason why he did it?

SPEAKER_05 1:43:31

That's a good question. That's a really good question. How much stock? Um 50-50 because because it could have been her the reason why he cheated, but did he ever even come to her about his needs? Right. You know, like if it's for example, the uh tonight's conversation clip that I seen the other day. She said it'd been like 14 years or something, and she ain't give him none. It was like a while.

SPEAKER_06 1:44:15

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:44:16

Like that, yeah, I'm giving him a pass. Well, I won't say a pass, but I'm understanding. Now I'm giving him a pass. Why are you not being intimate with him after all this time? So you're not doing that, absolutely. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, I'm doing it. But if it's just just because, like, you know, I just got into it or like nah, that's not that's not passworthy. Valid. You know what I mean? Valid. Cause you can't because you don't want to divorce someone just because they're not having sex with you.

SPEAKER_06 1:44:53

But it is valid. I mean, it's valid. That's why I say it just it just boils down to like what your tolerance is and like things of that nature. Like what's the deal breaker? What's the the reason? Like it's it's so much, especially when it comes to cheating, bro. So many different uh aspects of it and variables that go into it and make it what it is. It's you know, but oftentimes it gets painted with a broad brush, or oh, he just decided to go out and smash the sex. But a lot of times it's way deeper than that. A lot of times the man might have been asking for something that he wasn't getting, and again, not validating him going out and cheating. Yes, he should have just left you for not doing what he wanted you to do. But it's like sometimes a man feels like, okay, I could supplement what I'm not getting in my relationship just to make staying in the relationship more feasible or more realistic. You understand what I'm saying? And I think the issue that a lot of women have is that once they get cheated on, they don't put enough stock or due diligence in the reason why. They just say you cheated, you're a terrible guy. I agree. You should be ashamed of yourself, and then I move to my next relationship. But oftentimes, like I said, if the game tapes are not watched, the the consequences of said situation will repeat, and it could be some shit that he tells you that could have you moving different. I'm not saying that you stay with him, but you need that information because he may sit you down and say, Yeah, I I I cheated because I never felt like I could talk to you without getting criticized. Or I cheated because you never made a safe space for me to express my vulnerabilities and things of that nature. Or I cheated with you because we ain't had sex in 14 years. Well, what whatever the reason being, that's critical information for you to know. So it's like, okay, even if I decide to leave, because again, cheating is a choice that he made. I'm not saying you stay with a man and cheat, uh. I ain't saying that. I'm saying, depending on what your tolerance is, and cheating is a decision that he made. But the reason why he did it could save you in your next relationship from repeating the same situation. Yep. And I feel like a lot of women don't put enough stock in the why. And what was your thought process and what was really going through your mind? Like, be real with me. Don't say what I just want to hear. Tell me the raw thoughts of why you did what you did. Yep.

SPEAKER_05 1:47:15

I'm trying to open up to you. I'm trying to finally express my vulnerable side, but now I meet this young lady who listens to me and giving me insight as hard as I care. And it it started out as just somebody I'm talking to. Right. But then, you know, things got more a little more intimate because of the connection that we grew from that. You know what I mean? So I get it a thousand percent. We got time one more. It's up to you. Yeah, we one more, one more, one more, one more. Uh I had it. So, all right, how do you handle how do you handle a woman that's overly emotional?

SPEAKER_06 1:48:00

Um And she's always been this way.

SPEAKER_05 1:48:04

Is that something you even deal with in the first place? But yeah. I'm gonna say yes. That's just her personality.

SPEAKER_06 1:48:11

Yeah, I mean, I I mean, I feel like most women are emotionally unstable, but overly emotional, it got me thinking, like, okay, this is a hyper situation, and this is an extreme. Like the definition of hyper is uh extreme. I'm not really interested in dealing with that. Um, you know, I think that that's something, you know, therapists need to come in and help work on and things of that nature. But for the men who do decide to deal with it, I would say you knew what you signed up for. So when somebody's overly emotional or they overly expressive or they overly this, they overly that, you gotta take everything that they say and do with a grain of salt. That's just like that crazy ass uncle that we all got at the family. He comes in, he's cussing everybody out, he's talking crazy, this, that, and third. But we just we don't take it personally. That's just Unc, man. That's how he talks. You know what I mean? But if you don't know Unc, then you he talking crazy. You like, damn, what did I do? You know, you taking it personally, you take it's affecting you different compared to people who know Unc. That's just how I talk, man. He's gonna talk shit 100 miles out. He don't mean no goddamn harm. He's harmless as a fly, but that's just how he talk. That's the same assessment that you gotta make in that situation. This is just how my woman is. He's overly emotional, she's gonna be overreactive to everything, things of that nature. So I'm gonna take everything that she says, everything that she does with a grain of salt. I'm not judging her for it, whatever, whatever. This is what I signed up for. But I'm not gonna fool myself into believing that everything that she brings up is a problem that I need to move to the top of my priority list when it comes to solving. Because that's a man's natural reaction.

SPEAKER_05 1:49:46

Yep.

SPEAKER_06 1:49:46

When a woman brings up something, it moves to the top of our priority list for something for us to solve. But if you got somebody that's just overly emotional, everything don't, everything don't carry that type of weight. And you You gotta be around her and learn her enough to know how to differentiate that.

SPEAKER_05 1:50:05

I'm gonna say, no, it's a pass for me, dog. It's a pass for me. But if you have patience and as a person you feel like you really care about, and that's like one of her only kind of flaws, you know, you just understand what you're dealing with and just, you know, try as best you can to give her that reassurance. Right. Even though she's overly emotional, like you get you just gotta find a way to to work your angle to to get her on your side, to get her more level headed for the time being. You know, cause some men, you know, it's only it's only so much they can take. You know, I can I can only help out so much, I can only reassure you so much. Right. I can only hold your hand so much before it's like, alright, it's just me and you are just not a good fit. At the end of the day. And so you just gotta know how to walk away, when to walk away, and just understand that you know, you may be the bad guy. It is what it is, but um you you definitely led with love and you had the best intentions.

SPEAKER_06 1:51:07

Question on average, do you think that it takes man too long to get to that point?

SPEAKER_05 1:51:12

Most times absolutely. Absolutely. Because again, we just uh the the fear of failing. I don't want to say not even fear of failing, just the not wanting to fail. Cause I think at the end of the day we know it it's a possibility of failing. But just the not wanting to. Um, where you go harder than what you need to, you stay longer than than what you have to, you uh compromise more than you should. Right. Like absolutely, because you try to make it work. And you don't want to be the reason why it doesn't work. So you wanna do more than what you should or more than what you have to in order to, you know, try to be successful.

SPEAKER_06 1:51:49

Alex. I agree. All right, on that note, we're gonna go on get up out of here, man. It's been a hell of an episode. Episode 14, 14 episodes in the book. Make sure that y'all tapped in again for the full video. For those who don't know, uh Patreon.com backslash C backslash Trail Academy. That's T-R-I-L-L-A-C-A-D-E-M-Y. Make sure that you subscribe to watch the full videos. Um, audio, we everywhere. iHeart, Spotify, Apple, whatever your DSP, whatever your streaming service is, make sure that you tap in. And also, when y'all are listening to the pod, if y'all like what y'all are listening, make sure y'all review it. Please. Stars, reviews, things of that nature, make sure y'all tap in. Give us feedback. Patreon, also, anything that y'all got ideas on, or y'all maybe, hey, y'all should change this, or maybe y'all should try this, or maybe y'all. We open all of that. Just send it to us in in the DMs. I also seen somebody comment on one of the videos asking how do they get their questions answered. DM it to us in the Patreon. Simple and plain. You know what I mean? But just let us know if you want your name attached to it or you want it to be anonymous. Make sure that that's clarified. And uh again, Patreon is always priority. We appreciate y'all for tapping in with us and uh supporting us the way that y'all do. Oh, you got any words before we get up out of here?

SPEAKER_05 1:53:04

Uh, that's it, man. Just I appreciate the support. And, you know, like, share, subscribe, share to uh a friend, a mother, cousin, whoever you think may need to hear this message. And you know what I'm saying, we're gonna we're gonna continue to rock out and and and provide the feedback that y'all want.

SPEAKER_06 1:53:20

That's it, man. On that note, man, we got a record. My boy O, man, coming in again. Alex Finley. Come on now. Called Nobody. I told y'all I was gonna put your neck girl. On that note, man.

SPEAKER_05 1:53:31

She's from H Town, too. Hey, H Town in the building, man.

SPEAKER_06 1:53:34

Let's go. Record called Nobody. Alex Finley. We gone.

SPEAKER_02 1:54:00

Give me a million chances to express my love, it still wouldn't be enough. Heart in a rapture, you babe. I lose my mind when I can't feel your touch. I need it, I need you got my heart pay. Promise me, you never let me go. You got it all babe. Too much never enough. Feel something more than distress. And I feel it too I Nobody, nobody, nobody doesn't like you. Nobody, nobody does the things you do. You line up a bow, swimming, do the doing all that you do Nobody, nobody, nobody doesn't like you. Nobody nobody doesn't think you do. You line up a little swimming. It's not as physical. What are you gonna go? Never like it's a time. You up against my skin is always on the city.