Ep 16 - It’s Okay to Not Be Okay - Krista Klossner - Part 1

In this episode of the 3 Doves Podcast, Jason Pawloski sits down with his sister-in-law Krista Klausner to share a deeply personal and powerful story of faith, family, and surrender. From moving to Fort Myers and encountering Jesus for the first time, to navigating marriage, raising six children—including four teenagers—and walking through seasons of loss, Krista opens up about the real and raw moments that shaped her life.

She shares the impact of her parents’ divorce, her struggle with perfectionism, postpartum challenges, and how she unknowingly placed her identity and security in her husband Brian instead of Christ. Through the pain of two pregnancy losses, a complicated pregnancy, and the pressures of everyday life, Krista reveals how God began shifting her heart toward true dependence on Him.

This episode also begins to uncover the early signs of Brian’s battle with depression and anxiety, setting the stage for a deeper conversation ahead. Through it all, Krista’s story carries a powerful message—it's okay to not be okay, and God meets you right where you are.

If you're walking through a difficult season, wrestling with faith, or searching for hope in the middle of uncertainty, this conversation will remind you that you’re not alone—and that God is still working, even when it doesn’t make sense.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome everybody to the Three Doves Podcast. I'm your host, Jason Pulowski. And on today's episode, Krista Klosner joins me as she shares her journey of faith through motherhood, teenagers, and loss, reminding us it's okay not to be okay. I'm sitting here with Krista Klosner. Krista, thank you for being on the Three Doves podcast. And before we get started, I want to let everyone know that uh you are my sister-in-law.

SPEAKER_04 0:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

Yeah. And we're gonna have uh a little bit of time here to discuss uh what God did in your story. And uh we're gonna start at the very beginning, as I always do.

SPEAKER_03 0:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:46

Where were you born? Where were you brought up?

SPEAKER_03 0:48

I was born in Cleveland, Ohio, and Garfield Heights specifically.

SPEAKER_01 0:55

And uh how long did you live there?

SPEAKER_03 0:57

I lived there until I was about 13 and then moved to Fort Myers. So it was kind of like middle of eighth grade year. My parents uh thought it was a good idea to move me.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Were they trying to move you or get rid of you? That's what we're trying to figure out.

SPEAKER_03 1:10

I mean, it seems like they were definitely trying to get rid of me. I mean, but not really.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

Yeah. Well, our parents could, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:19

I know, no, it was it was really great. So I'm still here, so they made a good move.

SPEAKER_01 1:23

They did. Um, tell me a little bit about um growing up here locally. Tell me your story about when you came to Jesus, when you came to Christ.

SPEAKER_03 1:31

Yeah, I mean, that's like one of the great things about being here in Fort Myers. I was actually a neighbor of mine, her family invited me to church and went to Riverside Church. And I remember the first time going, just feeling that nudge, but not really knowing that that was the Holy Spirit. You just kind of get nervous. Like when the Holy Spirit's talking to me, my heart starts racing and I get really anxious kind of feeling.

SPEAKER_04 1:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:55

Like I know I'm supposed to be doing something, but don't know what. Um, so the second time I went back, I accepted Christ. And it almost felt like a formality though, because I really do remember knowing him when I was really, really young. So it kind of felt like, oh, this is what this is how you do it. Like this is, I guess, how you make it official. You know, how you make it, you know, that declaration, that statement.

SPEAKER_01 2:19

And um, after you received Christ, did you baptize right away or how did that look for you?

SPEAKER_03 2:24

I did, yes. Yes. So actually, Pastor Tony Um at Riverside, he Oh yeah, Tony Chester. Yeah, married us, um, all the things. So yeah, he was really instrumental.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

So as you were uh kind of walking the walk now as a new believer, tell me a little bit about where God was directing and moving you um as a teenager because it seems like uh you got involved in quite a few things, right?

SPEAKER_03 2:49

Yeah, I think um definitely you kind of have that little bit of rebellion. You're you think you're kind of supposed to be rebellious in high school. So I was saved and didn't really know what it meant. It took a couple years to really dig in and and dig deep. So it was probably my junior year in high school when I kind of figured out I didn't need to be like everybody else. It was okay to stand out and like stand for Christ. So it took a it took a little bit of time to find my footing.

SPEAKER_01 3:19

Tell me about your parents' relationship earlier on, too. Because you talked about rebellion.

SPEAKER_03 3:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:24

I wonder if there was a place that you can pin that back to somewhere.

SPEAKER_03 3:27

Oh, pin it on my parents first. Yeah, there you go.

SPEAKER_01 3:29

That's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to give me out. No.

SPEAKER_03 3:31

Thank you for the help with that. Yeah, definitely want to blame them. Um, so my parents divorced when I was about three years old, and my mom remarried, and my dad eventually remarried. Um, and so my stepdad really was the father figure in my life. Um, yeah, so but I was kind of one of those kids, you know, in the quote unquote like broken home, but it didn't feel like that. It felt really normal. Like I didn't really like it.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

That's why I was asking the question. Did it have any contribution to you feeling like that place of rebellion, you know?

SPEAKER_03 4:04

Yeah, I think I mean, if we want to kind of go to like a deeper place with that, I really never understood an unconditional love from a father. So knowing everybody said, you know, God loves us unconditionally, I really didn't understand that. And probably until most recently, you know, that's that's a hard thing to understand when you're not really kind of like raised in that environment. So I do think everybody did the best they could with what they had, but I really didn't understand how God loves us.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

And how do you see God loving you now today, based on where you're at, you know, with everything?

SPEAKER_03 4:44

Yeah. Well, having teenagers definitely um makes that very, very clear because well then we need to pause and say how many children you have currently today. Okay. Currently today, there's six. Last time I counted. So there's six children. Uh four of those are teenagers and then two little babies.

SPEAKER_04 5:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:01

Um, but really the teenagers have taught me the most about unconditional love because I'm just like, oh my gosh, they're the worst. They keep making these bad choices. But I love them, you know. And so I think I really understood the love of a father by just raising my own kids, especially this last year's been difficult.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

So how so difficult? What do you mean by that?

SPEAKER_03 5:24

As far as, you know, one leaving the nest, another one getting ready to go, um, watching them make their own choices, maybe that I don't agree with, or um, watching them make even godly choices that's kind of taking them a away, like out of, you know, the home and anything like that. It's it's a hard thing. You know, you're you're letting them go and you you're hoping that use their free will for good.

SPEAKER_04 5:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:49

But sometimes they could use it for bad. And but you still love them through that. And so I've learned a lot, like a lot about that unconditional love.

SPEAKER_01 5:58

And in that, there's been a lot of transformation in your life. We've talked before, and even in the way that you mother your kids. And we're gonna get to a place in the story soon where you know, you're married, your first love. Um, but there's a lot of transformation in the fact that, you know, you walked into something new. Tell me about when you met Brian.

SPEAKER_03 6:21

Oh my gosh. It's just such a sweet but like funny story, too. So we went to youth group together. I was 14, he was 17, super controversial. Um, but because I can't imagine my 14-year-old coming home being like, I'm gonna date somebody, but that looked different back then. I wasn't allowed to drive with him. He came over to our house, he fell asleep the first time he met my parents. We watched- He fell asleep? Yeah, he fell asleep on the couch. So my friend, I'll back up a little bit. My friend liked him, and you did that thing back in the day. Kids won't understand where you call, and then you're like, I gotta go. And your friend hangs up, and you're but they're still really on the phone. And I was asking him questions if he was dating anyone and stuff. And at the end of the phone call, he goes, Hey, uh, or probably towards the middle, he goes, if I fall asleep, you can just hang up. I'm like, this guy is kind of the worst. Probably you should date him. So we ended up uh going to camp together, and he asked for my phone number and and we kind of started dating, but that really looked like we never saw or talked to each other. And the first time he came over to meet my parents, he did. We watched Armageddon and he fell asleep on the couch. And like all the change fell out of his pocket. Like it was my dad was like, he's harmless. My dad literally was like, Okay, we're not worried about it anymore. He's like harmless, he's gonna just fall asleep. So um, we dated about a month before. I was like, I don't really like this. Like, if this is dating, I'm good. We don't really see each other talk. We went to different schools, and then we just really became friends for the next couple of years.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

That's that's cool. Um, and then I remember you guys taking uh you were getting involved in a ministry, right? Yeah, tell me about that ministry and stuff that you have.

SPEAKER_03 8:05

Yeah, so we did a missions trip. Do you remember we came up to see you? It was called the Real Stuff Road Show. Um, our youth pastor was just wild and and shoved everybody into a big kind of tour bus and we went up the East Coast and made our way to see you and Amy.

SPEAKER_04 8:19

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 8:20

Um, and so it was neat. We did like prison ministries and just different kinds of ministries in the park, like puppet shows for kids. It was sweet, but that was the first time I really got to meet you guys. Yes. I think I was maybe uh 16 or 17 at the moment. I think close to 17, yeah. Yeah. So it yes, it would have been the summer. So I would have been going into um, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:43

That was probably the worst show or event that I was able to set up. Nobody, it started, it was raining out, remember? I remember the weather was dreary. There was like no one came out. It was like maybe four or five people from the church. And I just sat there and I said, Wow, this is really bad. But it was great because we got to hang out with you and Brian. And in fact, I think we got you in trouble, right?

SPEAKER_03 9:07

We yeah, because we left with you and never told anybody we were leaving. You're like, hey, do you want to come back to the house? We're like, Yeah, sure. Or like, you know, essentially we were kidnapped. So, oh man, we haven't signed this form.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

That was before the Amber Alerts. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 9:22

So no, it was it was actually yeah, really funny because you know, I got to see Amy and I remember, you know, met Faith Ann. Faith Ann was born then, right? And we had Faith, yeah. So yeah, that was really fun.

SPEAKER_01 9:36

Fast forward a little bit. You guys are dating. Tell me about uh the proposal.

SPEAKER_03 9:41

Oh my goodness, I was such a brat. We were hanging out. I was, I was such a brat. We were hanging out with friends, and Brian wanted to go to dinner and go to the beach. And he never wants to go on like a date date. And I was kind of annoyed. I'm like, we're hanging out with friends, we're back from school. We were up at up in Louisville in school. And so we were just back to see friends for spring break, and um, he wanted to go to dinner, and he said something at dinner. He's like, Wow, he kind of got like an attitude a little bit, and like I wanna hang out with our friends.

SPEAKER_01 10:13

Krista attitude.

SPEAKER_03 10:14

I know, right? And he goes, So if I propose, what what would you say? I'm like, I would say no. And so, I mean, we were just kind of like bantering. I was being a brat, but trying to be funny, and we ended up going to the beach after, and it was a really sweet date. And he proposed, and I knew uh my family wouldn't be super excited because I was only 18 at the time.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:39

So that's a little bit of a shocker.

SPEAKER_01 10:41

How what did your what was your family's reaction to that?

SPEAKER_03 10:43

Well, he did ask them, so they could have very well said no. Okay. Um, but they knew we were going to get married, you know, so they didn't really, they just wanted us to wait to be more stable. Sure. I mean, we were, you know, gonna move back up without jobs and you know, hope school went well. And yeah, you know, we were just young and in love and dumb, but it I mean it worked out.

SPEAKER_01 11:07

Yeah, it did. Yeah. Tell me a little bit more, uh, going further in um some of the adventures that you, Brian, had together before the kids.

SPEAKER_03 11:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:17

Oh my gosh, it's just wild to even think of a time before kids. Um yeah, we were just the best of friends. I always thought getting married, it was just having a really cool sleepover with your best friend. Yeah. You know, it really was. So we got along. I mean, we took the same classes in school, we were always together. And it was just like really just neat building a life with him. And anybody who knew Brian knows how goofy he was and funny. And even when I said I was being bratty, he would just make it a joke and you know, we'd move along. So we had a lot of great adventures, a lot of trips. Um, we were going to school in Louisville and move back here so he could work with his dad and all of you guys.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 12:00

And so it was really great.

SPEAKER_01 12:03

Yeah. I remember some of the memories with Brian were just the best ever. We could kick around and and have so much fun on the job site, most of the time making fun of our brother-in-law Steve at times and Jeff especially. Um, but uh still, still, uh not Steve though, you know, but uh maybe Jeff, but we love you, Jeff. Um but but I remember many a time just hanging out with Brian and I I got I I was just like our personalities, just because we're opposite in a sense. We just clicked. And anywhere we went, it was almost like having like a safety blanket with you when you had Brian. Does that make sense to you?

SPEAKER_03 12:42

It does. Yeah, it does.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

Tell me about that for you.

SPEAKER_03 12:45

Yeah, he was the most stable person in my life. You know, he really did love like unconditionally, and I had no doubts ever that we would get through anything. And I can be really introverted, I can be really emotional, I can be really black and white. Um, I can be all of those things that aren't necessarily great in those moments, and he would pull me out of it. I would be in my head a lot and he would pull me out of it. He would just sing really funny songs to me. He would, you know, sing a song and it was like, I rule the world because my name is Krista Divis. And he would just kind of make these songs up.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

By the way, you've had three last names. I've had three last names. So I'm like, what do I call you now?

SPEAKER_03 13:32

I'm even like that. We talked about my bank accounts. I'm like, wait, which one's this sunder? So yeah. Um yeah. So he would just sing a lot of uh funny songs to me and so many inside jokes. My friends and I, we still have because we all grew up together. Here we are, like, you know, 25 years later, we still will text each other just funny, like inside jokes about Brian. So it's pretty. He was just great.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

Yeah, yeah. I I just when you're talking, I'm having flashback memories of of Brian and you guys as uh you know hanging out with all your friends, and there's a lot of life around you guys in the house. And uh we loved when you guys came by and hung out with us. And um, yeah. Let's fast forward a little bit further. Um now you've got a couple kids under your belt. I don't know. Let's go with let's go with the first two. Uh-huh. How's life changed for you and Brian at that time?

SPEAKER_03 14:32

He turned out to be an amazing dad. I I can't necessarily say I went into our marriage wanting children, but I I knew he did, and I knew I wouldn't be alone in it, but I wasn't the girl that grew up and I can't wait to be a mom. I was more like, why would people do that? That looks like a lot of work, you know.

SPEAKER_01 14:53

You know, when you're saying this, I'm thinking of my daughter right now. She's got that same thing. She does. Faith does, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:59

That makes sense. Yeah. So, but you have to remember how young we were too. We, you know, I was 18 and I got engaged, 19 when we got married. I was 20 when I was got pregnant with Boston. I was going to school. I was in school to be.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

By the way, coolest name ever. Boston.

SPEAKER_03 15:15

Boston.

SPEAKER_01 15:15

Love it.

SPEAKER_03 15:16

And we named him even before we got married, you know, when you're just young and in love. You're like, what should we name our kids? And I'm like, well, I don't if you want kids, sure, you know. So we named Boston. Um after the Red Sox, after the Massachusetts, yes, even uh Papa.

SPEAKER_01 15:33

Yeah. You know, he he took a picture of a Boston ship. Remember that ship?

SPEAKER_03 15:37

Burge Boston. The Burge Boston. Yes. I know. You can't make it up. I know you can't. No. And that was like around when Boston was born.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:44

It's so crazy. So we had Boston.

SPEAKER_01 15:47

Um lot of hints of God's hand in favor.

SPEAKER_03 15:49

It really is. Like, it really is to even think about us like having a baby when I wasn't even sure, you know, and I was in school and I remember it feeling like the worst thing. Yeah. Like the I felt like a teen mom. I was like, oh my gosh, everyone's gonna know what we did. This is so embarrassing. You know, we're so dumb. And you know, it's just I know, it's just the worst though. And so, I mean, we were like, do we still go to the college class? Like, you know, what do I do about school? Because I was trying to be a nurse and all these things. And Brian's still playing video games every night. And I'm just like, oh, I don't know how this is gonna work. And the second Boston was born, yeah, Brian changed overnight. He really, I had a lot of postpartum with Boston. Um, Boston was very jaundiced. We had a lot of issues with him too. And I remember, you know, Brian did every bath, every diaper change. Um I just remember thinking when Brian went back to work, I'm like, please don't leave me with him. Like, what if I forget about him? What if I forget to feed him? Like, what if I, you know, and he's like, you're gonna be fine. And I will say Brian was the biggest encourager of me as a mother that I felt like I could have children with him because he was always building me up, like as a as a woman, as a mom specifically, because I felt very inadequate being a mother.

SPEAKER_01 17:18

Speaking of inadequate, um, what was God doing in you in that time?

SPEAKER_03 17:23

Yeah, definitely making me lean on him. But I think I now looking back, I really was making Brian my idol. I really was making Brian my God, you know, because if Brian felt a certain way about me, I was okay. If, you know, if something I kind of noticed like a tone off, which would come later, like in the journey with his mental health, like I would really tank very codependent on Brian and his feelings about me, um, which wasn't a bad thing at all, but I started to twist it a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

How so yeah, how did you twist it? Tell us a little bit about that because there might be people listening right now who go, I I'm relating, I get it. But wow, because it's there's a lot so far in just the 18 minutes together. There's a lot to unpack in your story.

SPEAKER_03 18:14

There is a lot, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:15

That's why this is gonna be a two-part series, you know, Krista, because it's a lot. Yeah, it's a lot, but God has done so much in so little time.

SPEAKER_02 18:24

Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

So back to the question.

SPEAKER_02 18:28

Sure. Um, which was I don't even know now.

SPEAKER_01 18:32

I'm lost. Where were we? I'm lost. Because there's so much there. I gotta tell yeah. This is how our by the way, folks, this is how we communicate at family events and gatherings. We forget half the time of what we were talking about.

SPEAKER_03 18:43

It has to be quick because everything's going on around us. So we're probably not used to having a conversation that carry things.

SPEAKER_01 18:48

God was working in you during the postpartum days.

SPEAKER_03 18:51

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 18:52

About being dependent on Brian, codependent on Brian.

SPEAKER_04 18:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:56

What was God speaking to you about that? You said Brian was your idol at that time. And we're saying there's probably people out there who are listening going, mmm, maybe I've made my spouse into that pseudo-Jesus in my life.

SPEAKER_03 19:08

Well, I didn't even recognize it until like after he passed, you know, because everyone's like, lean on God. And I'm like, I don't, I don't really know him. Like, you know, Brian was my God at that point, you know. And so that was really hard because you can't keep a relationship going if you're not like pouring into it. It's Jesus is sitting right here and we should be communicating and talking. And I just I wasn't doing that. I think being in the busyness of being a new mom, feeling inadequate, um, not having any friends around me that had kids. Um just yeah, I relied on Brian to, you know, fill up that cup, and I wasn't relying on Jesus at that point. I knew he loved me. I knew he was there. Um, but yeah, everything really, my world was revolved around Brian.

SPEAKER_01 20:02

Did you feel like you withdrew from the church? You withdrew at that time, maybe in your heart from God going through that?

SPEAKER_03 20:11

It's hard to see through like a clear lens just thinking back because we had kids back to back to back to back. And so I think I was just so wrapped up in in them, you know, and and that's a it can be a good thing once you have like Jesus at the center of all that. But it really was, am I doing this right? I was very self-critical. I wasn't sitting there like I am now, waking up hands open, like, how do I handle this kid? How do I handle this situation? It was like, how can I be perfect? How can I look perfect? How can I make them perfect? How can I be the perfect wife and the perfect mom? And so it was all this pressure, and I didn't need to have it. Nobody put it on me. Brian didn't put it on me, God didn't put it on me, I put it on myself.

SPEAKER_01 20:59

Where do you think that came from?

SPEAKER_03 21:01

Um, I think growing up, it was a really critical, critical environment. You know, I didn't feel adequate as a child, a daughter. Um, so I think I was always just trying to spin the wheels and make sure, you know, it was perfectionism and making sure I was doing the right things, you know, for the right people and showing up for everything. So I can't, you know, I it's all just kind of like God's working on it now, especially with having two younger kids. I can see the difference in raising my first four compared to these two.

SPEAKER_01 21:37

How was it raising two boys compared to raising two girls?

SPEAKER_03 21:39

Oh my gosh, hilarious. I mean, you know, Lincoln. Oh, yeah. Lincoln, oh my goodness. Lincoln's taught me more about being a Christian than anybody. The patients, like, oh my gosh. I mean, just the Lincoln stories. I love that boy so much. Um, but he would test from the Minute, I just remember him being nine months old and I'm like, this one's not like the other. You know, he was nothing like Boston. And so Boston, very compliant, very firstborn.

SPEAKER_04 22:10

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 22:11

And then Lincoln comes in, and you know, the kid's like riding a two-wheel bike when he's like two and a half. I'm like, you're not supposed to be doing that right now, bud. Like, you know, and so he would always want to hang out with the older kids and do like just I remember a kid was bullying Boston at the playground and Lincoln's like two, and going up to the kid being like, hey, you know, Lincoln, stop. Um, so I Boston made it really easy, and Boston made it easy for me to think I was a good parent until Lincoln came, and then I'm like, I have no idea what is happening. And still I don't have any idea what's happening. Yeah. So he's, I mean, I was raising my hands this morning, like, I surrender. You take him, God. He's yours. We make the joke, Brian's kids are the worst. So uh we, you know, Jeff and I were always like, Brian's kids are the worst. Oh my God. So I love him though.

SPEAKER_01 23:04

Yes, of course. Yes, of course. And you know, parents listening right now, they get it. You know, we get it. Um, we love our kids, but there are moments.

SPEAKER_03 23:12

Well, I don't know how God deals with us. Well, that's that's deal with these six exactly. I don't know how God deals with us.

SPEAKER_01 23:17

Yeah, explain that. What do you mean? Tell me.

SPEAKER_03 23:19

Like, how does he deal with us? He he tells us like what not to do, and we're like, I'm gonna do it anyway. Right. And then he just loves us through it. He's like, okay, that's your free will. I'm gonna be right here when you come back from doing it your way. And then what do we do? We're like, oh God, I'm so sorry. I'm gonna listen from now on, and then we go back and we do the same thing.

SPEAKER_04 23:37

Correct.

SPEAKER_03 23:37

And so I'm watching my kids do it over and over, and I'm just in awe of how much God loves us. I'm just um, and that's like growing up, right?

SPEAKER_04 23:48

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:49

But I'm just like watching it and I'm watching their free will, and um, I'm just astounded that God would give us free will. I mean, why would you give somebody that you know you sent your son for free will to like turn their back against you? So it's just it's I'm just mind blown right now in this last like year raising teenagers, like how much God loved us.

SPEAKER_01 24:08

So you go from being all-star parent to the bottom of the pile of parenting. No, well, that's what's okay. So, so I just saying Boston made you feel like five-star parents. You get to Lincoln, you're like, wait a minute, we're like maybe hanging on to a star. And then you get the next one comes into your life. And this beauty. Oh my gosh. Tell me about it.

SPEAKER_03 24:34

We had we had lost two babies before Brinkley. Yeah, tell us about that. Um, it was just really traumatic because at this point we had two babies and we're like, this is kind of easy. We get to have kids. And um, we we lost our first baby, and it was really difficult because we saw the baby on the ultrasound, and you know, and then you go in and there's no heartbeat and um, you know, had to go through having a D ⁇ E and you know, going through the surgery. That's how far along I was, and that was really traumatic. And a funny story about Brian, um, you know, I'm I'm laying there about to go back to get the surgery, and a nurse comes in and she's like, Are are you seeing Dr. Stubbs? Right. And I'm like, no, that's not my doctor. And so she's like, Oh, okay, hold on. And she like leaves and I'm like, Well, this isn't looking good, you know, I'm probably out with like a hysterectomy. And so Brian um comes in and he's like clenching his hands to look like he just has Stubbs on his hands. He starts like messing around with all the machines. He's like, I'm Dr. Stubbs, you know? And he's like he is, he's just like messing around, and I'm like so sad. I'm so sad. I'm I'm crushed that we're, you know, they're gonna take this baby from me. And, you know, and here I am, and Brian just making me laugh. Like he's just making me laugh. And that's that's just how he was. I just wanted to crawl into a dark hole and never come out, and he's finding ways to make me laugh. You know, it we lost an another baby a couple months, you know, after. And that was really devastating. And at this point, everybody around us is starting to get pregnant. I'm going to baby showers. And, you know, Brian's like, okay, like maybe this isn't for us. Maybe we we're just gonna have, you know, the boys. He goes, I'm okay if we just have the boys. I'm like, well, I'm not, and you better get on board. Like I remember him just being like, okay, if if you say we, you know, we're gonna try again, we will. And so he that's just how he was. That was who he was to meet. And so when we got pregnant with Brinkley, we it was a very complicated um pregnancy. We, I mean, we thought we were losing her all the time. I was on medication to keep her um like rest and all this stuff. And and then we got her. And I mean, she I tell her all the time because she's probably the one that doesn't like me the most right now. And Brinkley, I love you, honey, so much. You have to know that. Yes. Um, she doesn't really like me right now. She's 16, and so um I tell her we'll be friends when she's older, but I always tell her, I'm like, you're the one we prayed for. Like, stop being so mean.

SPEAKER_01 27:15

Like doesn't register, doesn't it? It doesn't register. It doesn't.

SPEAKER_03 27:21

So I'm like, you're the one we wanted. Um, so we always joke around with her, but she yeah, so we had Brinkley and then uh we had we were talking about being dead maybe after Brinkley, and we had a story, and then for us that was it. Like story completed our family. So wow.

SPEAKER_01 27:40

Tell me a little bit about parenting the boys compared to parenting the girls for you.

SPEAKER_03 27:45

Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_01 27:46

Yeah. What would you say?

SPEAKER_03 27:48

The boys were a lot harder when they were younger, okay, especially with Lincoln. I mean, he was jumping off of everything and setting stuff on fire. I mean, it was just constant. Um, and you know, the girls are very sweet and kind, but it definitely flipped in the past couple of years where the boys got a lot funnier. Like I'd be sitting in the principal's office and they're telling me what Lincoln said, and I'm like, I'm like trying not to laugh. And then I'm like, that's not funny, you know, and I'm like, that was pretty funny, Lincoln, but I got act mad, you know, where I'd pick him up from school, I'm like, hey, I would have done the same thing, but I gotta look upset. Right. You know, so it got funnier where the girls got a lot more um emotionally and like mentally harder. It's warfare. Like I'm in the trenches with the girls, but so things are vastly different between both.

SPEAKER_01 28:34

When were things shifting um for you and your relationship with the Lord through all this? When did you see that shift occur? Because I remember you talking about some things after you lost the babies. Um, was that when the shift was occurring or was it during that time?

SPEAKER_03 28:48

Tell us a little bit about I think it really was because after I had the losses, at that point I was just kind of like giving Brian babies because I'm like, well, that's what he wants. And he, you know, says I can do it and okay, you know, but then I really realized how much I did want to be a mother and how much I longed, you know, to have children. You know, I didn't want to end on that note. I didn't want to end on the losses and how important it was for me to kind of move past that because it was a really, it was a really dark time, you know, not knowing if what you're praying for is coming, you know, not knowing if you're even strong and like strong enough in your faith to handle if God says no. You know, that's a hard that's a hard place.

SPEAKER_01 29:34

That is a hard place, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:35

You know?

SPEAKER_01 29:36

Yeah, because we're so used to wanting God to say yes all the time in our lives with what we ask for. Um, but a lot of times, I mean, he answers no matter what. Sometimes it's yes, sometimes it's no. Yeah. Sometimes it's just wait. Was the waiting part through all that time difficult for you?

SPEAKER_03 29:53

Very. And I think it was what's my will versus what's God's will. You know, if these if I can't carry any more babies and I keep pushing it, and you know, is that my fault? Is that God telling me no and I I keep pushing it, saying it's his will? And so that was that's even hard to reckon with today. You know, it's understanding his voice over our own. And so I was trying to understand is this desire I have truly from God, or is it just me being stubborn and I don't want to end on two miscarriages?

SPEAKER_00 30:27

Hey, three doves podcast listeners. My name is Justin Hannikan, and I've been a guest on episodes three and four of this podcast. I'm here to share with you today about a tangible way that we can live out our honest faith through real stories to see lives transformed. I'm part of a group called the Million Movement, and we have a goal to see one million children sponsored by the year 2050. I had the opportunity to travel to Ethiopia in 2009 to meet my sponsored child with Fear for the Hungry, and my life has never been the same since. Could you take a minute and visit www.themillionmovement.com to read more about our vision? And then if you're able to sponsor a child, you'll find a way to do so right at that link. Shoot me a DM on Instagram at the dot million.movement, because I want to send you a free gift to help you on your sponsorship journey. Again, that's www.themillionmovement.com. And now back to this week's episode.

SPEAKER_01 31:10

How do you identify God's voice in all that though? Because there's so much going on.

SPEAKER_02 31:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:14

It sounds like a lot of internal warfare for sure. In your heart, a lot of identity. You know, who you believe you are.

SPEAKER_02 31:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:22

Maybe who you don't know you are, you know, the saying. Yeah. Who God calls you to be and who God says you are. How did that all work for hearing his voice? Where was that?

SPEAKER_03 31:34

I think even now today it's a lot of surrender. It is a lot of a lot of surrender and saying, you know, in the posture of even open hands. And even if you don't give me this, like I'm gonna make it through because of you. And it really is just, and I've learned this recently in the past couple of years, but definitely having like the open hands posture, not just saying that, but sitting there with a posture of just you can you can take it or or you cannot give it to me. You know, having open hands, somebody can take something or they can place something in it. And I think looking back at that time, it was just this little girl just being like, okay, like please give me enough strength to get through, even if this isn't what you have for me. Because it did feel like a huge stopping point. I'm able to have babies until now. Is it I can't have daughters? Is it, is it just you've closed my womb? Is this what like what is that? Am I gonna miss these people the rest of my life? Is it it was a lot of questioning, you know, and and a lot of pain going through a pregnancy with Franklin. I remember Kat, our sister-in-law, telling me, you gotta get the room ready. And I didn't want to. She remembers that I think I was like eight months pregnant and she goes, You gotta get the room ready, Krista. And I'm like, Well, what if I don't get her? And she I remember her telling me it's not gonna make it hurt any less.

SPEAKER_04 32:57

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 32:58

Yeah. Yeah, because I didn't even want to set up Brinkley's room. Cause then that would mean more disappointment. What if I have to come home without her? And then I have this room ready for her. Kat's like, you you think it's gonna like hurt more or less? It's it's gonna hurt, you know. So you need to you need to at least prepare. And there's a whole sermon in that.

SPEAKER_01 33:19

Do you find yourself trying to run away from hurt a lot in your life? Did you find yourself in that place?

SPEAKER_03 33:25

I think it's just more of maybe when you have the expectation that people aren't gonna come through or God's not gonna come through, you just it it hurts less if you don't have the expectation or don't have an expectation set very high, you know. And came to terms with loving brinkley as long as I could, even if she like wasn't gonna make it like to this earth or wasn't gonna make it long, you know. So I think it's perspective. I think it's perspective on well, I do have this baby, you know, I do have her right now. I am pregnant with her, and I need to like be grateful for that, but also feeling the tension of well, I want her forever, you know. So there's a lot in there that God was teaching me through those losses and through Brinkley.

SPEAKER_01 34:16

If someone's listening here at home, another lady who's going through, you know, this concept miscarriage.

SPEAKER_02 34:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:23

I mean, you went as far as to a DE, right? Um what would you say? What would you would have encouragement, you know, from your heart to theirs would you say for them?

SPEAKER_03 34:33

Oh, just feel it. Like feel the loss. You you have to go through it. You are mourning. It it really happened. You have this baby and you are gonna see him again in heaven. That really doesn't help right now when you don't like have the baby, but I would just say you have to go through it and mourn. You know, don't listen to the people that say, like, well, you know, I heard it all. Like, maybe God doesn't want you to have more kids. Like, just be like, okay. Thank you. Please like step over there.

SPEAKER_01 35:04

Um, just and if they're not there at that moment, it's okay, right?

SPEAKER_03 35:09

Yeah, it's definitely okay. Be mad, be sad, you know, be angry, tell God He knows, anyways. He really does. So just you not verbalizing it, like he knows. Um, so I would I would just say be honest with yourself and and be honest with the loss. That is a soul, that is a baby, and you're gonna hurt.

SPEAKER_01 35:30

Did you journal a lot during this time? When did that start? Because you know, when I I know enough of you because we we're family, but I noticed that you're an amazing writer. Thinking you are, you are, you're an amazing writer, and you capture so much in the way that you present the words and and on your Facebook page, and you know, we're not even to the place yet of what's going on with Brian. We're just still in the beginning phases. That's what we're gonna have to do two parts, Krista. I know. I know, no, it's it's good. Um, because there's a lot that God has done in that, in this imperfect what we call picture that we weren't seeing until we were on the other side of it and saying, Whoa, wow, God, you know, even all this stuff looked messy. He was right there in the midst with you. Absolutely. So the journaling part, tell me about that. When did that start?

SPEAKER_03 36:23

It definitely started probably through the losses, but definitely through a place of pain, a place of complete pain. And when I write, even now, I can tell you everything is from a place of pain. That is me probably waking up at three in the morning, feeling just like wrecked in my soul. And so I've never been the one to be able to sit down every day and journal. I will just journal and write when I can't take the pain anymore. You know, it's like that outlet of I just have to get this out. And it just hurts so bad. And then you finally say it and it hurts a little less. You're like, okay, I like told somebody that, and it feels it feels good not to live in that darkness.

SPEAKER_01 37:09

So, Krista, we're on the other side of you know, you going through all this stuff with the miscarriages and then the the blessing of having your children, yeah. The blessing of being married to Brian. Then we start to see something switch and change.

SPEAKER_02 37:24

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 37:25

Tell me a little bit about what was going on with Brian.

SPEAKER_03 37:30

Yeah, so I would looking back, it seemed pretty typical. We're young, we have four small kids. Um, at this point, we're living in a tiny house and we're thinking about moving. We both are thinking about going back to school. I was a stay-at-home mom, and I wanted to go back to nurse or get into nursing school. And Brian wanted to finish up because he left school to come back home and join, you know, you guys and you know, the building and everything here that was going on before the crash. And he wanted to go back to school too, and he started, and we eventually decided to move. And so we're talking about really big life changes. We're moving, he's, you know, beginning a new job. We have four small kids. Um, starting to go, you know, get back into school. And it came to a point where one of us had to decide who was gonna go on and finish. He had an internship to finish, and I just got into nursing school. He so graciously decided to step back from school, continue working full-time, and for me to go to school. And at this time, he's pretty stressed. I mean, who wouldn't be with everything I just mentioned? Um, he's yeah, I would say just stressed. We're not fighting, but you know, it's the end of the day, and finally get the kids to bed, and I'm working on schoolwork and we're trying to figure out how to make ends meet. It was the typical, you're in your mid-20s trying to figure it out. It took me years to kind of put it together that he was starting down the path of depression and anxiety because at this point I'm thinking, well, maybe it's me. I'm postpartum, school's stressful, his job's stressful, he switched jobs again. Um, we bought a house that needed everything top to bottom worth of work. And I start to see these changes in him that aren't getting better as maybe our life situation got better. Um, as I graduated nursing school, or as he switched jobs, or as our house came together, as our kids started sleeping through the night, and you know, we're kind of hitting a sweet spot with sports with them. And he's not kind of booing back up, you know. I I would just kind of see him staying down.

SPEAKER_04 40:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:02

And started just kind of mentioning that to him. And he would kind of get a little defensive, you know, and like, of course I'm stressed, you know, this and this and this. And and that wasn't really like him. I mean, we were telling stories where he was a really funny guy, like super energetic, charismatic, yes, you know, and so there's a lot of personality changes going on.

SPEAKER_01 40:24

Yes, there was, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:25

Um, and so that was I mean, that was getting to be alarming, and that was going on for a few years.

SPEAKER_01 40:34

That change though, um, that was going on that you saw, you know, me from my perspective, if I can jump in with mine, I know it's your story. No, please. Um there was times I felt like he did withdraw um as close as we got to truth about how he was feeling or something was going on, yeah. He would always switch it and make something funny out of it or whatever. Sure. Um, but I'll tell you, besides that switch, there was glimpses of old Brian, uh like when we had to all hang out during Irma. Oh my god. Oh wow.

SPEAKER_03 41:08

Waters coming in.

SPEAKER_01 41:09

Yes. Yes. I mean for those who were here in Florida during Irma, they were telling us it's the biggest storm of the century. And it was, it was a huge hurricane, but thank God it was big because it didn't have as much punch as like Ian did here. But we all huddled together at your home. Oh my god. And here my wife and I, my wife's like, we got to run from the flooding. And I said, Okay, I agree. Let's just go. And so we got in the car and we're driving, and I'm like, where she's like, we're gonna go over to Brian and Chris's house and we'll stay there. And in my mind, I'm going, okay, this is a hurricane. This is a two-story home. Like, what are we doing? And everybody's, and I get there, and everybody. It's like a party of people. There are pets. We had cats and we took everybody in. Dude, it was like every animal in the world. It was like Noah's Ark in a two-story home.

SPEAKER_03 41:59

We had everybody.

SPEAKER_01 42:00

But Brian loved it. He did. That's what I was like. For for what he was going through, he actually came to life with all that around him.

SPEAKER_03 42:09

Yeah, like the chaos.

SPEAKER_01 42:10

The chaos. Yeah. And we're out there, we're watching trees fall, and I know. It was chaos.

SPEAKER_03 42:17

The house was dark. We had no electric, everything was plywood up. Yeah. So how dark the house was, no electricity, hot, stinky.

SPEAKER_01 42:24

Oh, it was awful. And here we all draw all the kids, everyone's just packed in their sleeping bags and oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 42:31

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 42:32

It was it was Brian was just Brian then. Yeah. And it just seems like when you're talking, it started to go progress worse and worse. Is that what it was?

SPEAKER_03 42:43

Yeah. After that, or definitely in the beginning, it was hardly noticeable because we would have good days and maybe a few bad days. Sure. And Brian really didn't have bad days. So that was a little like, huh? And so when I say it was over years, you would start to have more bad days than good days. And then pretty soon that last year, there were really no good days. You know, when I say like a good day, I'm talking, he would be out of bed interacting with me, the kids, everybody you came in contact with. And on the bad days, you really didn't know what you were going to get. And there was no warning when when those were coming or how long they were gonna last. And so it just, I don't know, look looking back, it's easy to see when it started, but I can see how I was oblivious in the moment because of everything we were kind of dealing with, as just trying to make it.

SPEAKER_01 43:39

Yeah. What was the emotion there? Because I see it there in your face. What was that emotion right there?

SPEAKER_03 43:44

Um, definitely fighting like disappointment in myself for not seeing it sooner, you know. And I I know that it would just wasn't possible to see. Um, and I also know when I brought it up to him when I would mention, like, hey, you're just not yourself. Like you seem really down, like what's going on? Like, I'll leave school. Like, you go back. I mean, I was coming up with every solution to what I thought were the issues. And he just was like, no, and would like brush it off. Like, I'm fine, it's fine. No, we're doing this, we're doing that, we're good. And so even though I want to like put that on myself that I should have seen it, I'm I hear the other side, like the truth, like, no, like you mentioned it. You you kept pointing to it, you shine light on it, you know. And it just he wasn't accepting it.

SPEAKER_01 44:35

What was God speaking to you and all that though? What was he working on inside your heart around all that? And maybe that was started then and it's come to here now.

SPEAKER_03 44:45

Yeah, I think slowly kind of loosening that tether of my feelings were Brian's feelings. Like I talked about how when I would be really down, Brian could always get me back, you know, um, you know, get me laughing again and smiling again. And and all of a sudden that wasn't there anymore. So I started having to rely on Jesus to pull me out of my mental state, to kind of pull me out of where I would get in my head about things. And so slowly God was loosening the tether of, you know, Brian's not your God. Like you, you can't look to him, you know, for, you know, to feel better. You can't look to him to know your worth. And so that that was really difficult for me. Um, not having that constant encouragement about being like a mother and a wife, you know, just me asking, like, God, am I am I doing this okay for you?

unknown 45:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:38

You know, and that's what started to happen.

SPEAKER_01 45:40

For those listening who maybe have a spouse or a loved one or um who's dealing with depression, what are some things that you know you might be able to share to them in hope?

SPEAKER_03 45:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:52

Yeah, you got it.

SPEAKER_03 45:54

That's really that's hard because even now, you know, people send people my way and their husbands are going through this. And the main thing I tell them is even if he doesn't come out of this, even if like there isn't a cure, like you are going to be okay. Like you are going to make it, like you have Jesus. And and that's really hard because I'm everybody's worst nightmare in that situation. So I don't know why anybody would want to talk to me, number one, because I feel like I'm everybody's worst nightmare. You're you're saying your husband has depression. Well, my husband had depression and it didn't work out so great, you know. So I I'm like shocked that God brings people to me to to talk to me about it. And so I think that's the ultimate thing. Like God is is still good, even if this situation isn't, you know, and that's that like just sucks. That that sucks knowing that some people are never gonna, you know, come out of this. But I also do provide hope. I'm like, have you tried this? Have you tried that? You know, there's so much available now. There's genetic testing, there's so many things that can be done now that weren't done when Brian was sick.

SPEAKER_01 47:09

Yeah. Tell us a little bit, we'll just take a pause in the story here. Tell us a little bit about the ministry that God has brought you into through all this. Tell us more about it.

SPEAKER_03 47:18

So that's pretty wild. So I'm I'm a nurse by trade, but I really got into home health and mental health, home health. And now I work with a lot of mental health patients. I do advocacy. Yeah. Um, and so that just is also wild how God has, you know, been like, wow, Krista, you still have none of the answers, but you have a pretty messy story. So I just want you to go tell people. And I'm like, oh, this doesn't okay. Like this doesn't feel great. Is there anybody else? Like, is there anybody else we can send? You know, I feel like it's almost like Moses when he's like stuttering through it. No, don't, don't, don't, you know, like don't send me. And so I just I don't know like how to do that or like move forward. I just solely rely on the grace of God. Like, what do you want me to tell them? And please don't let me mess it up. Um, I just the main thing I say is don't make it worse. I try not make it worse. So I sometimes I do. Um, and then there's a widow's ministry that I do as well. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:19

Um and so tell us a little bit about that widow's ministry because that's a very important thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 48:24

So they're they're amazing. Um yeah. So God like brought a lot of ministries out of this that I'm not really the ministry type. So it's kind of how it works, right? It's like what you're it's like he brings you through stuff so you can like tell others they're gonna be okay.

SPEAKER_01 48:41

Yeah. You've come quite a long way. I mean, it's been where are we going at now? Almost seven years.

SPEAKER_02 48:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:49

Yeah. Since Brian's passing.

SPEAKER_02 48:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:51

And we didn't get into the story of all that uh in this podcast, but the amount of things that God was putting both of you through. Okay, maybe I need to rephrase that. The amount of things that was allowed for you to go through. Is that is that a better way of phrasing it, maybe?

SPEAKER_03 49:10

That is, and that's like a hard thing to hear though. Right. Like allowed.

SPEAKER_01 49:15

Right. Why not? Because um it's hard for me on this side of the seat. I can't in in talking to you through this. And I'll be honest with the listeners, this is difficult for me as much. Um, because there's a lot of emotion flooding right there. Uh back about Brian, you know, because I love Brian dearly. Um, like a brother. I mean, he was a brother. I never had brothers. I still got Steve, still got Jeff, you know. I got great in-laws. Yeah, you know. Um we're very blessed. I got a wonderful wife, great children. Um but you miss them, you know, you still miss him, even though we know we're gonna see him. I know again, you miss him.

SPEAKER_04 49:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:54

Because there's more out of this story that I think is impactful for another part two. And I would just say if you're willing to go there, yeah um, because that's where the healing really began. Uh and a lot of times we had opportunity to to talk through some of those points of, you know, uh lie-based healing, yeah, uh, things in that matter. Um, and you you sought out others who spoke and allowed you to get a lot of ministry and truth. Yes. Yeah. Um, I want to thank you for being on the podcast today, Three Dose Podcast, Krista. I know is and want to thank you for being open and transparent about you know the painful places. And it's not easy to get there. I just leave it at that, you know, um, until our next our next time.

SPEAKER_02 50:42

All right.

SPEAKER_01 50:43

Thank you. As we close this episode, Krista's story reminds us that even in the middle of pain, loss, and questions that we don't have answers for, God is still present, still working, and still faithful. From motherhood to grief, from broken expectations to surrender, her journey shows you that you don't have to have it all together. You just have to keep showing up. Now, if you're in a season where it feels heavy, where it feels uncertain, hear this clearly. It's okay not to be okay. And God meets you right where you are. He's not waiting for you to fix it, he's inviting you to trust him in it. Thanks for joining us on the Three Doves Podcast. And as always, if you found something useful in this podcast, we hope you'll share it to your friends and family that they can see the love of Christ. God bless.