Walking With a Wife & Caregiver: Navigating the Unexpected Journey of Alzheimer's

In this episode, Kim and her mom Karren dive into a very real and relatable topic: caregiving for a spouse, and what happens when the doctor is the one who needs care.

What started as a normal retirement for long-time family friend Loraine Marlow and her husband Bob, a former physician affectionately known as "Doc" took an unexpected turn when Bob began experiencing short-term memory loss. 

From the initial diagnosis of Mild Cognitive Impairment to navigating Alzheimer's, this episode is filled with heartfelt honesty, humor, and valuable insight for anyone walking alongside a spouse or aging parent experiencing cognitive changes.

They talk through the real struggles: jumping through the bureaucratic hoops of banks and long-term care insurance, the difficult day Bob recognized he could no longer drive, and the emotional reality of giving up their travel plans.

Loraine also shares practical advice from her own ongoing journey, including why you need to secure financial access early, how she fully embraced her unexpected role as "activities director" to keep Bob moving, and why giving grace to a loved one with memory loss is absolutely essential.

More than anything, this episode is a perspective about learning how to adapt to shifting marriage roles without losing your own joy, and finding creative ways to practice self-care and stay connected to family when life looks different than you planned.

 Listen for:

• Why planning for financial and legal access matters long before a crisis hits.

• How to handle the frustrating systems of banks and insurance companies as a senior.

• Practical ways to pivot when a spouse can no longer travel or drive.

• Why physical activity and socialization are crucial for those with cognitive impairment.

• A fantastic, easy-to-read book recommendation for Alzheimer's caregivers.

Episode At a Glance
03:18 - The early signs: Transitioning from Mild Cognitive Impairment to an Alzheimer's diagnosis.

06:39 - The financial learning curve: Why navigating bank apps and credit card access is harder than it should be.

12:57 - The unexpected activities director: Getting to chair yoga and keeping social connections alive.

18:04 - When the travel stops: Grieving the loss of trips and finding new ways for the grandkids to visit.

22:32 - Loraine’s top resource: A Pocket Guide for the Alzheimer's Caregiver and her best advice for families.

Come with us as we explore what it means to navigate these years with our aging loved ones.

So grab a cup of coffee—or maybe a glass of wine—subscribe, invite your friends or family, and join us for Walks with Mom.

Special thanks to our Sponsor Amada Senior Care Mesa serving families and seniors in Phoenix, Scottsdale, Chandler, Mesa, and the surrounding East Valley area. Accredited VA Provider (NPI # 1558048199) and Trusted resource for Long-Term Care Insurance Claims

Compassionate, personalized in-home senior care starts here – contact Amada Senior Care Phoenix today by phone at (480) 418-5422 or visit us online to get started and give your loved one the support, dignity, and independence they deserve.
www.amadaseniorcare.com/mesa-senior-care

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Aging is not for the faint of heart. I'm Kim, a proud generation Xer, and I'm here with my baby boomer mom Karen. Together, we'll tackle the tough but necessary conversations, share the hilarious and sometimes embarrassing moments, and open up about the stories that truly touch the heart. Come with us as we explore what it means to navigate these years with our aging loved ones. So grab a cup of coffee or maybe a glass of wine. Invite your friends and family and join us for Walks with Mom. Welcome back, welcome back to Walks with Mom. I'm Kim, one of your co-hosts, and I'm a Proud Generation Xer. I am joined with my mom, Karen, who is a proud baby boomer. Woo woo woo. Oh, so much. We're so thankful for you to join us again with Walks with Mom. And before we begin this podcast today, or before we introduce our guest, mom, I just want to share something with you real quick before we introduce our guest. Okay. Is I had a call yesterday from someone that said that they shared our podcast with their mom. Oh, wow. And it is creating conversations. That's our whole purpose. That is our whole purpose. Well, this is the crazy thing is that she is still caring, or the mom is caring for her mom. So she is sharing it with her 93-year-old mom. Oh my goodness. Isn't that great? Oh wow. Well, that's what's happening in today's world.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

People are just living longer and longer.

SPEAKER_02 1:46

We're living longer and longer. And so I'm so excited. So we're going to start today's episode with one of our good friends. I would consider her one of our family friends.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

She's definitely one of my friends.

SPEAKER_02 1:59

Uh, Lorraine Marlowe. So welcome. Thank you. Thank you. And Lorraine, actually, this is going to be a little bit different. Usually I'm the one that drives the conversation. But mom is going to be driving the conversation. Um, we titled this When the Doctor Needs Care. So A Wife's Journey of Caregiving Through Alzheimer's. And so we're going to have a joint uh heartfelt conversation about a little bit into your life.

SPEAKER_03 2:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 2:29

And so, mom, why don't you just take it away?

SPEAKER_00 2:31

Well, okay. First of all, Lorraine is a longtime friend, um, current longtime friend. Uh we stand next together in our church choir and she keeps me on key. So um Thanks, Lorraine. Yeah, thank you. Um so the choir director doesn't have to kick me out. And uh we're Bible study together and have been in several other things at church together. So uh our lunches are very interesting. Lorraine thinks out of the box. Oh, I think. But yeah, yes. So Lorraine, several years back, your life turned took a little change, a different role. Can you talk about what happened?

SPEAKER_01 3:18

Um, well, basically, uh late 2021, I just knew there was something changing with my husband. And it presented itself as loss of short-term memory. And of course, he had no sensation of that whatsoever, but I I knew something was up because I would tell him something, and then just moments later, I would mention that, and he had no memory of that whatsoever. So it was kind of like, you know, well, what are you talking about? We'd go through that. And so anyway. So it wasn't selective hearing. It wasn't, no, it was it was not selective hearing. But anyway, yeah, his first diagnosis was not with Alzheimer's, it was uh mild cognitive impairment. And now that I know about this, I feel like every fifth person I meet has a family member who's been diagnosed with MCI. But anyway, so that's how it started. And then finally, May of 2025, they did another assessment with a neuropsychologist and figured out that he had progressed into Alzheimer's. So that's when he got that diagnosis.

SPEAKER_02 4:25

And what did he do prior to that? I mean, he was a physician. What kind of physician was he?

SPEAKER_01 4:30

I always tell people phenomenal. And he was. But anyway, he was in family medicine, and for many years he was on the physician faculty over at the Honor Health Residency program there on Osborne. So anyway, he retired like July of 2017. Right. And so he had some time when things were going okay. But like I say, by the end of 21, you know, things were showing signs.

SPEAKER_00 4:57

We still call him Doc at church.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

Oh, do you really? Everybody calls him Doc.

SPEAKER_00 5:02

Oh, very well, that is still who he is.

SPEAKER_01 5:05

That is that is who he is.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

That's really who he is. So you're basically the caregiver now.

SPEAKER_01 5:11

I am, and I'm the activity director, and I'm not happy about that.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

Oh, well, and that kind of leads me to my next question. Yeah. How did your role change in the family? What kind of tasks did you have to take on that maybe that were different?

SPEAKER_01 5:27

Yeah. Well, basically, I guess the first maybe major thing was when I was advised that I needed to be the one overseeing anything that had to do with finances and overseeing uh medication, you know, that it was taken and that kind of thing. So that changed. And then, you know, as things went along, um, he's has not driven for I'll say a year and a half. It may have been two years. But the God blessing in that was he did not drive much at all. But the one place that he would typically go about every five weeks was to get a haircut. And he'd been going to this woman for years. And he got one home one day and just simply said, I cannot drive anymore. Oh my. And I said, Okay, and he was so sorry about it. You know, he said, I'm so sorry. And I said, Honey, that doesn't matter. I can take you wherever you need to go. This is not a big deal. So I feel very blessed that it was a knockdown, you know, we didn't have a knockdown drag out, right? He recognized that.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

That is really saying a lot that he recognized it was time for him to quit driving. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:33

Yeah. So let me go, if I could, to the finances. Is were you involved in your marriage somewhat in the finances, or was this a whole learning curve? And I'm and and no judgment.

SPEAKER_01 6:49

Oh, you know, because we all have our different roles in marriage. For several years. I mean, he had always, I mean, other than maybe the first three years we were married, but he'd always take care of the bills. So the humor was, you know, I would say, okay, I just feel like I need to sit with you when you're on the computer and you're in quicken and you're doing all this, so I could be learning this. So anyway, I had made a bunch of notes uh before this time, but so it was still a learning curve. But I'm just saying it wasn't like I knew nothing and then had to step into this role.

SPEAKER_02 7:23

But that's gonna be one of our things that we talk about too, is that it sounds like you did some preparing. Yeah. For, you know, asking, started to ask some questions while you could, yeah, and while he could give those answers. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:39

Yeah, too many people wait till it's far too late and then they're really at a loss. They don't know what, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

So no, I I feel very blessed. And I've laughed and told him, you know, uh, we're not being evicted and the power's not being turned off. So at least, you know, my my one piece of advice when it comes to finances, and I know everybody's in a different place, but I'm saying if somebody is, you know, on where they have a bank app and they have maybe a computer, some kind of program that they do something, is to get that going where you are able to do that. One of the things that hit early on and was so frustrating to me because it wasn't a it wasn't make a phone call and you're done. It was jump through a bunch of hoops and was just tiring. And that was because he was the primary person on all of our bank account stuff. Yes. When I would get on my phone on the bank app, I could see the checking account. I could not see our visa card. So I call in the bank and going, hello, folks. And anyway, long story short, I had to jump through all these hoops so that I could have access to that information.

SPEAKER_02 8:51

No, and and I appreciate you say long story short, but I'm sure that was a quite an ordeal.

SPEAKER_01 8:58

Well, it was insane because you got to touch to the you know the home office for your bank and wherever in the heck that is, and then they want to send you paperwork and you need to fill that out and you need to send that. You know, it was just, I get why they do it. It's not that I don't understand that. It's just that there's things in life where I think, okay, could we make it any more difficult for seniors to deal with life? I mean, you know, yeah, we're supposed to have this wonderful age of technology. Couldn't somebody figure out to send to send you a little booklet that says Where is AI when you need it? If you're over 65, here's what you need to do.

SPEAKER_02 9:34

I mean, I I I sympathize with you. Or actually, I should empathize, right? I haven't been there yet. So, so mom, what else do you like want want to ask?

SPEAKER_00 9:49

Well, I think one of the things um we've kind of talked about this, but what other responsibilities in your life changed or are changing?

SPEAKER_01 10:00

I I think one of the the biggest things is just that I no longer have somebody in the house I can go to for wise counsel. I mean, uh Bob was always so wonderful to, you know, to take care of things and look into things. And I don't have that. So I mean, like, that's gone. And I just need to, well, a wonderful example was your mom let me know that you could come to my home, look at the long-term care policies we had, sit down and tell me, you know, here's the deal. And even that brought up the thing that there's another case where I didn't have the right because I was not the owner of the policy of the policy. Of the policy. And so um, you know, we had to go. And that was another hysterical thing. I do remember that. That took several, and finally I just called them. I said, okay, is there anybody in your building that can stay on the phone with me and step by step walk me to this form? Because I just love it when they use technical words that nobody outside the business knows what creation they're talking about. So any very sweet woman did that. And we finally, on the third try, got the form filled out correctly, witnessed, sent it in, life was good. But I just I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 11:20

I think you've really touched on, though, a very, very important thing that seniors have to face, and that is trying to figure out the system and get what you need done anymore. It's not easy. You can't get the right person the first time.

SPEAKER_01 11:39

Well, and every single thing in your life that has your loved one's name on it, uh, you have to go through this process. Well, we need to talk to your husband on the phone. Okay. So you get your husband on the phone on speaker, and I'm lip-syncing things that I think he may not, you know, have right that way. I know what you mean. I'm not laughing at you. I think, although who knows? Maybe there's some other unknown thing that I don't even know about. Oh, I don't think so. We think we've done all the things that needed to be.

SPEAKER_00 12:13

Well, I can remember one time after my husband had, you know, was really very, very had dementia and just didn't really know much going on. Yeah. I was trying to take care of something, and they needed to speak to him. And I said, here's the phone, say yes. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 12:35

Exactly. Well, and it's to your point, all of these systems, but each each entity has their own process and their own system. So it's it's figuring out each different, you know, the credit card's gonna be different from the bank. Yeah, the bank's gonna be different than the long-term care insurance policy. It's all these different things. You know what you mentioned in the very beginning, um, and I know you made light of it, but you said, I'm activities director now.

SPEAKER_01 13:05

Yeah, I'll tell you why I say that a little bit. So once he was diagnosed January of 23 with mild cognitive impairment, the neurologist, who is both of our neurologists all in one package, he says to me, Okay, the two crucial things, social, you know, getting himself in social settings where you have interaction and you need to be walking, I don't know whether he said four or five days a week. And I tried to hold back my laughter and said, Okay, we're gonna work on this.

SPEAKER_02 13:37

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SPEAKER_01 14:18

I am still, I never hired on as an activity director. Okay. I was richer, poor, better, worse, and all that, but I never knew that was part of it. So the good news is finally we are consistently going to chair yoga every uh Monday and Wednesday, which the wonderful woman who leads this actually designed it for Parkinson's uh patients. Nice. And so talked to her. She knew the whole scoop and she said, That's fine, you guys can come. So we go to that, and that's a good thing.

SPEAKER_02 14:48

Good.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

But it's the same hysterical thing every day. We go to get in the car and go. And I'll say, Okay, we we need to get in the car. Now we're gonna be, where are we going? Well, we're going to chair yoga. The things you get me into. So I'm tacky and I tell him, okay, here's the deal. I need this as much as you need it. And if you lose mobility, we're in a world of hurt because I cannot take care of you if we lose that part. And so anyway, he's he's you just he's so sweet.

SPEAKER_02 15:18

I mean, well, you're stating a great fact is that you need it just as much as he does. Oh, I do. I do. And this is one of the ways that you have an outlet too. Yeah. Um, I remember you looking into the chair yoga um and us talking about that. And what I'm impressed about you most is that you consistently was trying to find what works for you and your husband, because not everything is going to be the right match for everyone. Yeah. Right. And so you said, this is you kept trying. Yeah. Yeah. And I appreciate that about you. So before what I have another question because I just want to ask you.

SPEAKER_00 16:01

I have something because we're talking about activities. And one thing that Lorraine does is make sure he comes to church when we have social things that are appropriate for seniors and everything. And I don't know that Bob interacts a lot, but he's among people. Yeah. And he hears the conversation and he feels the warmth there. Yeah. And people walk, you know, they've known him forever. They walk up and speak to him. And I know my husband didn't wasn't much on conversation. Yeah. Yeah. You know, he just didn't understand enough to have much conversation. But he did enjoy people. Being around people. Being around people. And I admire that you keep him coming.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

Try to keep him coming. And he just, you know, he's an avowed card-carrying introvert and has been his whole life. And the beautiful thing about our relationship, he has always realized how social I am and that I have a need for being with people. And the thing I love, I'll say, you know, is it okay with you if I go meet such and such for lunch or whatever it is? And he said, he'll say, well, yeah, go have a good time. Now that day may, you know, that may come to a close, but right now that's the scenario. And I've always really appreciated that because I'm not sure all couples work that way. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 17:24

Speaking of couples, I don't think I've ever seen you without a smile. Well, thank you. I try. But I'm sure in this whole journey it's been up and down. What are some of the things that you've had to struggle or struggle with that you've struggled? Because I know on the outside, Lorraine, you present like everything's okay and life's hard and you die.

SPEAKER_01 17:59

No, I I think my biggest thing was when Bob told me he could no longer travel. And so the last time we were able to be in Ohio and be with our daughter that has the four grandkids and her husband was summer of 2023. And when we got home from that trip, we were supposed to be heading um to Colorado not Colorado Springs, uh, Estes Park in Colorado. I'd already booked the cabin that we always go to. Rented in the summer. Anyway, so we were gonna go for a week. So we got home from that trip to Ohio and I said, Okay, Mom, I'm gonna get on the computer. I need to get the plane tickets and the rental car set up. And he said, I don't think I can do that. And I said, What do you mean, honey? He said, I can't do it. I and I knew that getting ready to go to Ohio had been very um stressful and confusing, even though he didn't have the Alzheimer's diagnosis, he had the MCI diagnosis. And so it was just it was a very anxious thing. You know, how how are we gonna get to the airport and how who's gonna how are we gonna do the bags and how we're gonna do this, that, and the other? And so anyway, that was the end of our traveling life. And I missed that, I have to admit that. But I I know one of the things you had mentioned to me was if the girls, if our two daughters had been able to be any help, and the daughter that lives in Gilbert has been able to help me twice now. Take very extremely short trips out of state. So it's like the beginning of 25. I got to go to Texas to attend both my eldest brother and his eldest sons. Uh their deaths were not related in any way. They just happened to happen six weeks apart. So anyway, I was able to go there. You were able to go there. And so that was good. And then Mother's Day, I was able to make an overnight trip to California to go to a relative's graduation. Oh, yeah. So that was nice. So you know.

SPEAKER_00 19:58

Yeah. So uh what do you do to take care of yourself?

SPEAKER_03 20:08

Okay, there we go.

SPEAKER_01 20:09

It's nothing specific. It just goes back to this thing of right at this point, he's able to be home alone. So I do a lot of meeting people for breakfast or meeting people for lunch and to just get away because I know that's coming to an end. So I just, you know, that's I guess that's my thing.

SPEAKER_02 20:27

So you're doing a lot of self-care right now, planning, preparation. And how are your adult daughters? Like you said, one helps out some. Yeah, yeah. Uh have they been a good resource or sounding board?

SPEAKER_01 20:39

Or how do you definitely a sounding board and very, very supportive. Now, obviously, the daughter in Ohio, she can't, you know, do anything, but bless their hearts, they are very uh faithful to come here to visit. And so we've had an arrangement with them for a long time of just saying, hey, if you can ever come see us, whenever it is, we'll buy the tickets. If you'll just tell us when you can come and how long you stay, we'll take care of that. So when they can, they do that. And I would say typically over these past, I don't know, four years, they have probably come two to three times a year. Sometimes it's a whole family, usually it's more often the daughter and the four grandkids. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

But even two the two oldest grandkids have come by themselves a couple of times.

SPEAKER_01 21:28

They have for about the past four years. I don't know if it'll happen this summer, but like August, September, they have tip typically flown alone and come for a week and then go back home. Now, I don't know if it's gonna work this year, but yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:40

But I think that's also a way uh twofold. You you're taking care of self-care because you're still being grandma that you want to be, right? But you're also planning ahead and saying, look, I know we can't go to you, right? But what's a way that that we can still see you? Yeah. And I'm taking care. Taking self-care by seeing you. Like because that fills you up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

And the the girl in Ohio, she is very um conscious of calling frequently, texting, sending pictures, you know, that kind of thing, because she knows I love that kind of stuff. And then the daughter that's here, we see her every week because she goes to the same church, and every Sunday we go out to eat for lunch. So I mean that's an ongoing thing that's been going on for years. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:27

So, mom, before we wrap up, what's one more thing you want to ask Lorraine?

SPEAKER_00 22:32

Well, first of all, I'm very curious about the book she brought.

SPEAKER_01 22:35

Yeah, tell us about this book. So, this book, a pocket guide for the Alzheimer's Caregiver, uh, was written by a guy that's an MD. Okay, it is not written uh from a medical standpoint. He's somebody that in his own family, he and his wife, I think they had two or three relatives that they took care of that had Alzheimer's. And so it's more just a hey, Alzheimer's all over the map on what you're gonna experience. Not every case is the same, but here's some general guidelines. You know, here's what the early stage can look like, here's the middle, here's the late stage. So educate yourself on what that looks like. It's kind of knowing what is most likely coming down the road, that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_02 23:17

And I found it. Can you hold that up again? Let's let's show it. Um, for those of you that are looking on YouTube, it's a pocket guide for the Alzheimer's caregiver. It's written by Daniel, um, oh my gracious, Daniel C. Potts. And so that looks like an amazing book. So it was an easy read.

SPEAKER_01 23:35

Yeah, very easy read. And I'm not a reader, so that's saying a lot. I love that. Thank you for sharing that.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

This leads to something that I know is possible. There are many support groups in our town for the the caregivers of Alzheimer's patients. Yes. And that's really important for support. And I know there's some people at our church that are supportive because they're in the same position you are. And um just having that other support is very, very, very important. And there is one group that would the caregiver would go to, and if you couldn't leave the spouse, uh-huh, they have activities or something for the spouse at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 24:18

Yeah. So you can.

SPEAKER_00 24:20

So you don't have to leave them. Yeah. That's very good. One word. If you we have a lot of people in our congregation. I am ready.

SPEAKER_01 24:28

I have thought this through go ahead and finish. They don't know what you're gonna say.

SPEAKER_00 24:31

Well, there's a lot of people in our congregation that are aging that are and then end up taking care of a spouse. Yeah. What quick advice would you give them?

SPEAKER_01 24:42

Okay. Quick advice basically is just like what we've said of trying to get the things that you need to have where you can have access taken care of before your life is a total train wreck. Okay. But here's my other soapbox thing, okay. It breaks my heart to see people who have somebody, a loved one, that's dealing with dementia, and they get all frustrated and can be rather short with that person and like they don't get it. And so my billboard is hello, your loved one has dementia. They cannot remember what you told them three seconds ago. So don't think they're trying to be ornary and irritate you when you hear the same thing 12 times in the next five minutes. Get a grip. You are raising, in essence, a preschooler, and you just need to get your head wrapped around that. If you had a little preschooler and they couldn't do things, you know they you'd be patient and loving and tender.

SPEAKER_00 25:46

And so that's my big well, preach it, sister, preach it, take an offering. And that's where I found the support groups helpful. Yeah. Because they realize that and they can help you think through or talk through certain situations that you are frustrated with. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:03

Yeah. Yeah, it's okay to be frustrated, but that's not the same person that you married. Right. You know, it's the disease. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:10

And just like you said, just thinking ahead. I mean, I know I have a feeling that people feel like, well, it's it's gonna be a long time before we get there. But you know, it never hurts to looking into what you could have in place uh ahead of time. And for any young people listening to this, uh, this is not new information, I assume it's the same. If you have somebody come to your home and they're talking to you about long-term care policies, back when we got ours in 2013, if you had any red flags for any cognitive issue at that time, you were out of the park. And I know it's expensive, but I it's not, it's not, I mean, I really feel like two months in a care facility would pay for what you spent, you know, on that policy.

SPEAKER_02 27:05

I don't know. I'm gonna have to have you back because you know long-term care insurance is my passion policy. So we're gonna have to have you back, but we're gonna have to wrap up for today. Lorraine, thank you so much. And um, for our viewers out there, if you have found this helpful, or maybe you have someone that's starting the journey, walking with a loved one, walking with an aging parent that is experiencing cognitive impairment, um, share this episode. And just remember planning and preparation is much easier than crisis management. Until then, we'll see you on the next walk.

SPEAKER_00 27:47

This is Karen, and I just wanted to say thank you for spending some time with us today. Please come back for more laughs, more connections, and more real life moments between these two generations. See you on the next walk.