Breaking Free: Healing Narcissistic Wounds and Rebuilding Self-Trust

Breaking Free: Healing Narcissistic Wounds and Rebuilding Self-Trust

🎙️ Episode Show Notes

Guest: Andressa S. Lopes

In this episode of Beyond Mommy Dearest, Noelani Pearl Hernandez sits down with author and healing guide Andressa S. Lopes to explore what it truly means to recover from a narcissistic mother. Together, they talk about naming abuse, releasing lifelong guilt, and learning how to choose yourself without shame.

Andressa shares her personal journey of growing up with conditional love, emotional neglect, and chronic self-doubt, and how therapy became a turning point in recognizing the pattern. Noelani and Andressa also discuss how cultural expectations, family pressure, and generational trauma can make distance or no contact feel impossible, and why chosen family and community are often essential to healing.

This conversation centers survivors and reminds listeners that they are not broken. They adapted to survive, and healing is possible.

✨ What You’ll Hear in This Episode

• Why acknowledging pain is the first step toward healing
• How conditional love shapes people pleasing, guilt, and low self-worth
• The role of therapy in waking up to narcissistic abuse
• Why many narcissistic parents do not seek real accountability
• Guilt, grief, and fear around low contact and no contact
• How narcissistic parents use power, money, and third parties to control
• Cultural and immigrant family dynamics that intensify silence
• How abuse impacts adult relationships and boundaries
• Breaking generational cycles and protecting future children
• The power of chosen family and supportive community
• Why healing is nonlinear and happens one step at a time

🔥 Key Themes

• Acknowledging pain without minimizing
• Reclaiming identity and self-trust
• Breaking emotional dependence
• Cultivating self-worth
• Choosing peace and freedom

📚 Resources Mentioned

• Rising from the Ashes: From Pain to Empowerment: Overcoming Your Narcissistic Mother – Andressa S. Lopes
• Six Ways to Live a Better Life Without a Narcissistic Mother (free guide) – Andressa S. Lopes

👤 About the Guest

Andressa S. Lopes is the author of Rising from the Ashes and creator of a healing guide for daughters of narcissistic mothers. Her work helps survivors move from confusion and emotional dependence into self-trust, self-worth, and freedom. She creates educational content across social platforms to raise awareness about narcissistic abuse and recovery.

🔗 Connect with Andressa

Find Andressa on Instagram, TikTok, and access her books and resources through the link in her bio.

💛 Connecting with Beyond Mommy Dearest

Guided support spaces and facilitated discussions focused on boundaries, guilt, grief, self-worth, and nervous system healing. 

Low-cost support options outside the group through Zoom or WhatsApp.

A paid ongoing support group for deeper healing and consistent community.

• You do not have to do this alone.
• You deserve support.
• You deserve clarity.
• You deserve a life that feels like yours.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Shut up the like button alike! I think I'm gonna die look if I don't die. Okay, so yeah, I'm not gonna die. Oh we get it! I open my big mouth!

SPEAKER_01 0:33

Welcome to the Beyond Mommy Dears podcast. For adult daughters navigating the complex reality of having a narcissistic, emotionally immature, or unsafe mother, and the ripple effects that carry into adulthood. I'm your host, Nawani Perl Hernandez, a trauma-informed executive coach. I support mission-driven organizations and leaders through trauma-informed leadership development, high conflict mediation, organizational healing, and culture change. This space beyond Mommy Diris is for survivors who grew up in families that looked functional on the outside, but felt confusing, heavy, or unsafe on the inside. For those who were praised for being strong, mature, or responsible, or their own emotional needs were unmet. Here we talk about what actually happened. We name patterns, we unpack trauma bonds, shame, and nervous system survival, and we focus on healing in ways that are grounded, compassionate, and honest. This is not about blaming anyone, and it's not about revenge. It's about clarity, self-trust, and choosing yourself without shame. Because the healing you do in your personal life shows up everywhere. In your relationships, in your leadership, in your work, and the way you move around the world. You do not need permission to heal. You are not broken, you adapted. Let's begin. Today's guest, Andreas S. Lopez, author of Rising from the Ashes, From Pain to Empowerment, Overcoming a Narcissistic Mother, and creator of the healing guide Six Steps to a Better Life Without Your Narcissistic Mother. Andreas writes with courage, honesty, and deep compassion about what it's like to grow up with a narcissistic mother and how survivors can transform lifelong pain into self-trust, self-worth, and freedom. Her work directly speaks to those who grew up feeling unseen, unheard, and unloved, and offers grounded step-by-step paths towards reclaiming identity, breaking emotional dependence, and building a life rooted in peace. If you ever wondered what is real abuse, why do I still struggle, and how healing actually is possible, this conversation is for you. Andreas and I were just talking about you know having narcissistic mothers and the insanity. And I told her that I was really happy to meet her, sad about why we're meeting each other, but really happy. But I want to start with you know, really acknowledging the pain that we have. And you emphasize that healing really begins with acknowledging that pain, not minimizing it. Why do you think it's so hard for people like you and me, daughters of narcissistic mothers, to do that?

SPEAKER_02 3:35

Uh so when we were talking about love, we're talking about a love that is supposed to be unconditional, and it's supposed to be from the person who carried you for nine months and done. In some of us, it took me 30 years to realize who my mother was, and there was a lot of confusion, there was a lot emotionally I was neglected as well. Um it took me years to realize um the love that I was getting was conditional and not unconditional. Um, I went through a lot of um low self-esteem, people pleasing, fear of conflict was a big one. Um toxic relationships, feeling guilty for setting boundaries, feeling guilty for not loving her. Um so being raised by a narcissistic mother, uh, you learn to survive in a way that no other kid would. Um, when we're talking about a love that is supposed to be unconditional, it doesn't come from grandparents or your uncle, it comes from your mother, that person who's supposed to give you that unconditional love that no one else is provided to have. And one of the reasons is because she carried you for nine months. Um so I made a decision to write my book. It took me years to actually even think about it. Um, when I realized who my mother was, it was through therapy. And on I've been going to therapy over seven years, and on it was heartbreaking realizing who she was, realizing who I was, and also the awareness of my past, such as for me to have love, I had it, I had to give her some sort of power or happiness or or any feeling that made her feel good or made her look good. Um so when I was between on my 20s, it was the hardest part because that's when I needed a mother the most in a way to guide me through being adult, simply, you know, and uh she wasn't there. Um I made um the decision to write my book not to scream the pain that I was feeling, it was more to and through and also giving people um information that I think it's valuable for a daughter of a narcissistic mother to have. Um and from pain, we can go to empowerment, it takes a lot of dedication and also it takes a lot of it's it's painful, it's very painful. So uh daughters of narcissistic mothers, they do have a hard time with self-worth and also setting boundaries and also feeling emotional free. Um today, um, I do not speak to my mother, I have no contact with her. I made a decision, and I think that's the best decision, as we all know. I have uh I have hope, but that hope of her changing it kind of ended only because when we were talking about personality disorder that it's called narcissistic abuse, uh, many people don't understand that narcissistic people they don't go to therapy, and the ones that do go to therapy, they go only for a short of time. And the reason is they don't see themselves as the problem. Um you're raised by a narcissistic mother, it becomes way more different because she has power over you because you're underage, because you're a baby, or because you're literally still attached to her emotionally, and some of the daughters of narcissistic mothers who are older than 35, they do struggle with going no contact with their moms, which is hard because there's a lot of guilt, it's not only self-guilt from yourself, it's also from family, friends, yeah, community who tells you, how dare you not speaking to your mother, you must have done something wrong. How many times I heard that? So when I published um rising from the ashes, I live here in Salt Lake City and I went all over pretty much all the bookstores to get my book out there, and I was surprised how I was shut down by females who doesn't see the value of having this book out here. And uh, I think that on starting my YouTube, Instagram, and I'm also on TikTok is to bring awareness, but at the same time, we live in a society that bringing your awareness and education doesn't deliver well for everybody because not everyone is ready to learn. So uh I try to mix it up with different things just to get people's attention to be aware what it's like to have a narcissistic mother because having a narcissistic mother does affect me, but also affects the community, and um and my mother, she she um she has her business, and I feel so bad for her employees because the behavior that she has done to her daughter, she has done to her past employees, me and my grandmother, we make a joke how long the employee will last every time they hires one, yeah, yeah. Because they kind of go through a similar similar emotional abuse that I went through as a child. Um so taking this uh painful emotional abuse that we went through as the daughter of a narcissistic mother and turning into an empowerment to empower others is so powerful because we're talking about a person and the only person because it's very damaging, it's damaging, and I think um the more awareness we bring out there, the best it is. I have um mothers, I'm talking about narcissistic mothers coming to my page and writing to me, hey, I'm a narcissistic mother. I think you should, I think you guys should stop talking about this, you know, and uh it's comments like this that it just gives me more motivation that I'm doing the right thing, and um now I'm on a mission writing my third book. I have two books out. I have rising from the ashes that took me three years to write it, and then I also have a free e-book available online only. It's called Six Um Ways to Live a Better Life Without a Narcissistic Mother, and uh it's pretty much a shorter version than than the one that I have, and now I'm coming up with the new one that I'm still deciding with the title, but pretty much this book is gonna be for kids for kids to to realize what they're going through at home. I mean narcissistic mothers, you know, my book it it also helps, you know, anybody who's going through a narcissistic abuse, right? Because it doesn't really change.

SPEAKER_01 11:58

No, I don't I believe that they don't change, and you know, I think that I really like the fact that you were doing a kid's book. I you know, one of the things in my experience, and you talked about it a little bit, is you spoke about how um a narcissist might go to therapy a little bit. Yeah, they might go to therapy a little bit, and what I found is when I finally understood that you know, as a teenager, teeny being a teenager is hard, but the the conflict I was going to through or the gaslighting that I was experiencing, where I wasn't going crazy. It was me being a daughter of a narcissist, and I remember going to the school counselor who was not equipped to handle this, and my mom coming in and as a covert narcissist, totally snowing over everything, saying, Oh, but I love you, oh, but X, Y, and Z. And the rage that I felt in regards to that um was extremely difficult. And then to top it off, the but it's your mother, and you know, my mom is Filipino, so there's the immigrant factor in there, in regards to we hold our mothers in you know, really high praises in regards to to our customs, and so no one believed me. No one, and that was for me a really difficult part. So I really appreciate that your mother believed or that your grandmother believed you, and that there's like a a a running joke of how long an employee might last with your with your mom.

SPEAKER_02 13:34

So on my so um my grandmother, she's the cause of the problem. Yeah, and don't I really I give my grandmother a lot of breaks only because I understand her background and how hard it was for her, you know. So it started in my family because it's kind of like a generational trauma in my family. It started with my grandmother, it did not start it with my grand-grandmother, it started with my grandmother, passed it along to my mother in a way, and then I'm stopping it, it's not going to continue. And my grandmother, she has some of the traits, but she's able, she was able to fix herself a little bit. That doesn't become as toxic. I maybe don't have a good relationship with her, but only through the phone, you know. I don't know how I was born in Brazil, moved to the US when I was 11 years old, and I've been living here since. Not gonna tell you my age, keep it on as a sacred, and done. My my grandmother doesn't agree with a lot of things that my grand um that my mom made me go through. I got kicked out out of the house because she decided to have her boyfriend in the house instead of me. So it was a decision of do you want your daughter or you want me? And she clearly made the decision of kicking me out. I was never a bad kid, I never was into drugs or any other videos like that. I was a really good kid. I started working when I was 14 years old. Um I always had things going on for me, dependants, modeling, working jobs, and done. So I think that when you come from a mother who's a narcissistic, it's already painful, but when you come from a mother who's a narcissistic and also an immigrant, and then you ask that you're learning new cultures, not only new cultures, you don't have the support that you would have if your family was around. So a lot of things that my mother has done to me in the past, when I was back home in Brazil, I had my aunts and the support system, and my grandmother fighting for me, getting pretty much in her face because it was that bad.

SPEAKER_01 16:30

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02 16:31

I remember being like seven years old and calling my grandmother to come pick me up because the abuse was too much, and my grandmother would have shown up with the chinelas and like threatening her life, yeah, you know, and uh, but when I moved here and I was only 11, I lost that support.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

Right. And and I think that that is really similar to what a lot of narcissistic survivor abuse survivors go through is whether it's by moving to somewhere else, you know, even within the US, but you move from a whole nother country um to the US by moving or isolating them from people who are their support system so that they can't talk to anyone. Because anyone from on the outside would be like, that's crazy. Like, what is going on? And my you know, my mother was really masterful in that because my parents, I they got a divorce when I was in, I think middle school it was, it's been so long ago, but she had my dad's family as her second family.

SPEAKER_02 17:40

And your dad divorced her?

SPEAKER_01 17:43

Yeah, my dad my parents got a divorce, and then he married another narcissist. And you know, when I look back, um, and not to speak ill of the dead, because I love my grandmother, but my grandmother left her, my dad, and his two brothers with my grandpa, and I'm not sure like why it ever happened. My grandpa never talked bad about her, and she was a wonderful grandmother, but my dad was always really looking for that um that motherly kind of touch, and my mother was horrible to him. Like I I only saw as a child the abuse that my dad went through, and as now as an older woman, um pairing it together, and his his former wife, his second wife, who's now his ex-wife, just that was that same kind of pattern. So it made sense that of course that you know that was something that he was gonna go through. You know, you talked a little bit about no contact. So I've been no contact for almost 11 years now. How long has it been for you?

SPEAKER_02 18:54

I I'm not on that level yet.

SPEAKER_01 18:56

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

Um so um I haven't spoken to her over a year and a half. That's good. It was supposed to be four years and a half, but um but it's hard, it's hard. She's your mom. No, it wasn't that. Um it was that the person that I'm dating now, when you first started dating and explaining to him what it was like to have a narcissistic mother, and hen not having one, so it becomes hard. When you talk to somebody who had a narcissist who has or had passed away or didn't, or a narcissistic mother, they're able to relate and understand you easier. So I kind of went back in contact with her so he can meet her and understand how dysfunctional it was, right? And then today he's like no contact 100%. Agree, you know, he understands. Um I got a degree in uh FAU, Florida University, um to um in psychology and also justice, only because criminal justice is related to psychology, clinical psychology, especially, and now I'm back. Um now I'm in school finishing to get my license as a clinical and health counseling. So um so having that um awareness it helps the healing a hundred percent, but it also can be painful because you just come to realize you never really had the minimal that you were supposed to have, and on many daughters were thought to minimize their feelings, you know, which is really sad, and I was told I was too sensitive, I was dramatic. Oh grateful, it was daily, you know how ungrateful I was for oh my gosh, yes, those are the messages I get.

SPEAKER_01 21:21

So I have blocked my mom on my phone, and every once in a while I'll go and I'll listen to a message. And I think I've mentioned this before in um one of the podcasts.

SPEAKER_02 21:33

It's a lot, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:35

It's like five seconds of being nice, and then you're so ungrateful, what a horrible daughter. And I'm like, okay, that didn't take long. Um, can you speak a little bit about the guilt that um that you might feel distancing yourself or going no contact with your mom? Like, do you feel any of that guilt? Or like when you started, did you feel some of that guilt?

SPEAKER_02 21:56

Uh so um I Don't feel any today, and it feels amazing because I'm able to talk about her in the healthy stage of this is the damage that was done. Uh, I don't hate her, I don't have any love for her either. You know, it's just uh the guilt does not exist in me anymore, and I think it's such a hard transition for a daughter of a narcissistic mother because we do feel guilt for a lot of things, and uh, and when we're talking about feeling guilt, it takes a lot of work and also the support that you have around you. So cutting off my mom uh years ago and cutting off pretty much the whole entire family, like today, I don't talk to anybody that saw the damage, saw the abuse, and instead of making the right decision, the right actions, they decided to let it go because when we're talking about narcissistic abuse, most of the time, 90%, we're gonna talk about money and power because my mother became a self-made millionaire in the US, came to the US with$50 in her pocket, made herself as a self-made, and used that money and power to control and manipulate everyone back home, right? So people are so my mother bought my aunts, bought a few of my cousins, and um and it's sad because those those were the people that I had really good relationship until she damaged, infected.

SPEAKER_01 23:54

Right. Well, and and what I and I've um kind of I've cut off contact with most of my family for several reasons, one of them being this, and it's always for me really um dismissive when they say, but that's your mom, that's just the way your mom is. And my response, what I want to respond, but I never do is, but that's not the way I am as a mom. Like that's you know, withholding me from my dad, or um, you know, the the undercutting of like comments that were made, or you know, oh, I'm not gonna take you to school unless you do X, Y, and Z, like all of the things that I think that are totally horrendous to do to a child. And then, you know, and then on top of it, unfortunately, my mom had um Munchhausen by proxy, so she had factitious disorder by proxy. Um, so there was the aspect of medical abuse that was happening at the same time, and that is really hard. And for me, I didn't under I understood that I was getting sick, but I didn't understand it until I started going low contact with her. It was very like minimal, and then very similar to you when I first started dating my husband, which on Sunday will be 11 years that we've been together. But when we started dating, I didn't even have to introduce him to my mom. My grandfather's funeral was going on, and my mother is very tiny, and my husband's very tall. My husband's 6'3, my mom's 4'10. And within the first 30 seconds of them meeting, my mom walked up to my um husband and put her hand in his face and said, Don't talk to me, I only want to talk to my daughter. And I was like, What are you doing? And I have to say, like, by the grace of God, my husband was like, Okay, this person is not reflective of who my girlfriend is. And she said that her mom's crazy, so that's this, and okay, we can move on. Like, and that was the point where I was like, Okay, no more contact. And that was about 11 years ago.

SPEAKER_02 26:06

And you talked about uh being Philippine and on how we're gonna let's talk about being Philippine, Latinas, which resilience, and we do have this reputation of having a hot pepper temper, yeah, you know, and uh and I have it, you know, but guess what? I have to control it, I have to have emotional intelligence, I have to meditate, I have to do yoga, I have to work on myself, so I don't go crazy on things or people that I don't have to, and and like in that that that hot pepper temper, you know, it's something that needs to be controlled even before you know you have any kids, so you don't pass along to your kids and done. And I think that on when you have a mother who feels so entitled to get to your boyfriend's face and tell them for the first time, I haven't, you know, it tells me like, wow, she needs boundaries and she needs more boundaries and she needs boundaries now, yeah, you know, because she feels like she owes you in a way, and it's not like that, right?

SPEAKER_01 27:26

You know, and I think that you know, one of the really beautiful things about about the US is that the we all come from different cultures and we all bring different things, you know. And when like for instance, my husband, he's Latino, I'm Filipino, and I'm white, there's uh things that you learn, and if and you I think that you really named it, if you don't have that emotional intelligence to understand that people react in different ways, yeah, and they react in the way that you react, and it's a little domino effect. So being able to do that, whereas someone who's a narcissist, and we see it all over, someone's a narcissist says, Okay, this is the way I'm gonna react, deal with it. And there's no like thought process in if I act this way, what will happen to this person or this person or that person? And that's what I see when I think of narcissism. I think of someone who doesn't care, they don't care about anyone.

SPEAKER_02 28:28

No entropy, no compassion, yeah, no compassion, very selfish. Um we're talking about a personality disorder that it's a level down to a psychopath.

SPEAKER_01 28:39

Yes, yes, exactly. Because when you see them, and sometimes you might get confused when you look at a person who has narcissism because you look at them and you say, Wow, oftentimes that person is a psychopath, that person might be a sociopath, and it's possible that they can be like have the comorbidity to have both.

SPEAKER_02 29:00

Yeah, and and and sorry, I have a mosquito here, and it's uh and when you're raised by a narcissistic mother as an adult. I'll I'll share my experience. I struggle with self-worth, uh relationships, setting boundaries, you know. I kept attracting unhealthy demonics because that's that's how I felt. You know, in healing, it's not quick and it's not easy. I went through um I I I I always tell myself I'm not fully healed, I'm just one step ahead from the day before. Because when you are raised by a narcissistic mother and you're a daughter, it's different when it's a son. Because most of the sons they want to go godship, they they they they're mare, they they more damage than as they do with daughters, because let's not talk about the cooperation and the jealousy and the competition that you end up being with your mother not knowing.

SPEAKER_01 30:17

Right, right. Well, you know, and I read this really interesting article about narcissistic mothers and their daughters' hair. And I thought that was really interesting because I remember my mom was constantly, constantly with my hair, constantly trying to do things with my hair. And then it was okay, we're chopping it off. And I was like, but why? Like, I I like my hair. Nope, we're chopping it off. It was that constant control, that constant um competition when I don't understand why you would ever compete with your kids. Of course, you want your kids to do better, like, of course, that's the way that it is. That is a natural parental experience to want your kids to do better. Um, and so I always I find that really fascinating in regards to that. Has your mother tried to reach out to you at all in regards to like since that year and a half, or you know, it had been a couple years, and then you introduced your partner, um, and then again, no contact. Has she tried to get messages to you or anything like that?

SPEAKER_02 31:28

So uh I lived in um I lived in South Florida for 12 years, and uh I was finishing my I was finishing my bachelor's degree, and uh I wanted to move to California. California was always a dream state of it, not only because I think it's beautiful, I love Malibu and everything I I love hiking, so that's one of the things I like about California. It's the 500 hiking trails, yeah. Yeah, I also did my research and also noticed that California was the place to be for clinical psychology, yes, yes. In um in in my dream university, it's pimper dine.

SPEAKER_01 32:16

Oh great! Oh great. I have a sister university, is where I went. I went to Santa Clara University, oh yeah! Yeah, and I love I love the school, and that's where I got my neuropsychology degree, so very similar paths, very similar, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:31

Oh amazing. Oh, I love that degree. I almost went there, and um I was already planning to cut her off, but because I come from a family that my grandmother she kind of manipulates everyone in a family to do things that she wants, and um so when I did when no contact, I would never forget it. It was my first day of therapy. And um, I had this really amazing uh psychologist who only focused on daughters of narcissistic mothers.

SPEAKER_01 33:11

Oh wow, okay.

SPEAKER_02 33:12

So um I got recommended by a friend of mine who saw the pain that I was going through and said, I really think we should try her, I think she might be helpful. And she was so amazing and so good that on my first session, I was already done to cut off everyone because before that I was I was being gaslighted, um, I was being minimized. My grandmother was telling me things like, Don't think about it. I know what your mother did was wrong, but don't think about it, just go live your life. And I'm sorry, that's not how it works when you go through abuse like this. You can't let it go and go live your life and and ignore, you know. Um, your body doesn't ignore, and there's another book that I like. It's called The Body Keeps the Score. I forgot, yeah. I looked up here, yeah. Yeah, so that book taught me a lot about that, and um, I remember going, you know what, this is this is the time. I think I have the support that I need. Now I don't have 20 people supporting me, but I have a really good psychologist. So I wrote it down. I'm talking about pages, over like hundred pages, to my father, to my grandmother, to everyone who saw and participated in the news. And you and only child, only child.

SPEAKER_01 34:45

Oh, so am I okay?

SPEAKER_02 34:47

And then she had and then she made a decision to make another baby after 18 years. Oh wow, I wouldn't do that because she was competing, she was competing, yeah. I was I was doing things in life and she was not getting attention, so she that makes sense, yeah. It makes sense because she was married four times and she's not with this guy anymore, and her daughter that I don't consider my sister, because I talk about it in my book, she's trying to kill me with the knife. Um gosh, yeah, so it's uh it's even worse. And having a narcissistic mother can damage the whole community because um when you have someone that unstable, it can be hurtful to anybody on the streets, and done going no contact with her after my first session with this therapy, it was so difficult, and I had no clue what was coming to me. They were so mad that I blocked everybody, but I had faith in God, and He's always been there for me. And uh two weeks before I moved out from the apartment that I was living in California, she put up there. Oh my goodness, she had no clue, so she hired a private investigator. Oh my goodness, okay, because my grandmother motivated, and she hired a private investigator and found out where I was, went to the place where I was living. I had my older on the older on the lady who was uh demonstrating the whole building calling me, and I'm like, do not give her my number, and she's like, she said she's gonna call the police if you don't get if I don't if I don't give your information to her, and I said, You're let her call the police. She flew my unstable, unhealthy on cousin, uh my uncle, who's unstable as well, her unstable team flying to California to come get me for what, you know? Right, and um, so the police called me four o'clock in the morning, it was three o'clock in the morning. I would not sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because being a daughter of a narcissistic mother, you still go through a lot of nightmares. Yeah, um, so I woke up and I saw a phone call from the police. Of course, I'm gonna call them back because she's telling them that I disappeared. So I called the police back and I said, Yes, look, uh she's a narcissistic. I'm not gonna talk to her, no one's gonna make me talk to her, not even the police. Um, I'm okay. Um I'm I haven't disappeared, I'm just not part of her life.

unknown 37:56

Right.

SPEAKER_01 37:58

I you know, it's so crazy to me the the extremes that they'll go to in order to get to you. And I remember, you know, my daughter um acting kind of as that pathway because she had a relationship with my mom and I did not, and she said, My daughter and I sat down, I think we were like have my husband had barbecued, we were eating, and she said, you know, mom, you really should call grandma, she really misses you. And I had and she was probably like 25, 26, and I had to have a real conversation with her, which was a which was really difficult because she might have been a good grandmother. She she's not, but she she could have been. But but from what I've been told by my daughter, who doesn't contact her anymore, um my daughter felt like used because it wasn't she wasn't trying to get to my daughter, she was trying to get to me. And I say that because you know, my daughter said, Grandma really loves you, she wants to talk to you. And I said, you know, I really appreciate that you're you're giving me this information. I'm not gonna call her. And if you want to have a relationship with her, that's fine, but I'm not going to. And you can tell her that if you want to, or you don't have to tell her, but I'm not gonna talk to her. And then I think about a year ago, the messages started changing to I haven't talked to your daughter in a while, and I really, you know, I really miss her. Why are you keeping me from her? And then the same thing in regards to pardon me, in regards to trying to get a hold of me. And I I just find it really interesting the manipulation that happens with everyone around you to try to get to you. And to me, it it set it speaks volumes because not only is it uh I think it's sadistic, the abuse that they are just driving to try to get to you to abuse you with. And it's uh it's really sad that the only thing that will make them happy is that abuse. Like there's the cycle.

SPEAKER_02 40:11

It's the narcissistic people, they are obsessed, obsessed with control and power more than anything, and that's why money is always on the table with it, and um cutting off my mother during those times and going back and kind of like having a little bit of everybody in the picture so my boyfriend could have seen what was like, and he knows and understands now, but um you're a mother. I can't even imagine like you were able to have the awareness who your mother was after you had the child, you know, and your child is everything, and you want to protect your child, you don't want to do the same things that your mother has done to you. Because let's talk about how you are raised by a narcissistic mother, but you also can be a narcissistic, it comes from you that needs to break that cycle, you know. Do I want to be like my mother, you know, or I don't, I chose not to, you know, and you and you chose not to, and um and I don't even think about a day having her in my life. I'm going to be a mother, um God knows when, but um it will happen, and when it does happen, I would never allow my child next to my mother because she was so toxic and damaged, and I have a lot of faith in God, and I think it has helped me a lot, and also God was able to put me in people's life. I went through a lot of people's life that they're not part of my life anymore, but they were part of my life during that time because it was necessary, it was part of the building, and that's why I spent so many Christmas and holidays at my friends' house celebrating Christmas within, celebrating family events within, because I didn't have a stable mother, you know. Right. My mother was so bad that my last holiday that I spent with her, I wanted to take pictures with her, and she said, No, I don't want to take any pictures with you.

SPEAKER_01 42:34

Yeah, you know that it's so crazy. Like I, as we talk about this stuff, and people listen, you know, if they don't have a narcissistic mother and they're listening to this, they're like, that is crazy. Why would anyone do that? And I it's hard for me to explain that to someone without having them experience some kind of narcissism in their life.

SPEAKER_02 43:04

And um, and it gets on the stage that when we are in a stage right now that you're able to put your awareness and your experience through your podcast, and I'm able to do the same through my books and social media, and I'm pretty sure you do get those comments that it's unnecessary, such as you're the problem, who are you to talk about your mother like that? And to me, it doesn't affect me, it doesn't make me cry. Yeah, it doesn't make me sad. I take a look and I'm like, Oh, yeah, you want to go, you want to come in? Let's go. Yeah, all the way in until I shut you down. Because when you're raised by the narcissistic mother and you overcome what we have, we become very powerful, you know. And the consistent criticism that I used to get, everything looked fat. All my clothes look bad, I never looked good. She always had your hair looks awful. So I I modeled for a long time and different uh fashion shows in beauty fashions, and when you're raised by a narcissistic mother, I was going through a lot of weight issues. I was five pounds over, I was ten pounds over, and then I was ten pounds lighter, you know, because that's how it is when you have an emotional abuse in the comparation every day. Oh, you look too skinny, oh you look too fat. It was medicine light, you look good, you look great, you look great, it was the criticism non-stop that causes us to have self-doubt, self-wise.

SPEAKER_01 44:51

Absolutely, you know. I think in my experience with my mom and with others that I've worked with, that is a really strong indicator of your own self-worth. You know, you see children who have narcissistic parents now, and you look at them, and their self-worth is just so shot, and it kills they're little tiny humans. You know, they're tiny humans. There shouldn't be anything that they're worried about. And for me, that that is what is heartbreaking, you know. Um, I was talking to my daughter the other day, and she said something about, you know, I she said, of course that's the way I feel. And I said, Well, who told you to feel like that? Why do you feel like that? What what is making you feel like that? And we had a really good discussion about that. You know, I when I when I first had her speak of the devil, she just text messaged me. Um when I first messaged or when I first had her, I was younger and still going through the process of healing. So I I wasn't the best mom, and I also was a lot, a lot, a lot better than my mom was, you know, and she and I grew up together, and we've you know gone through a lot of healing together. And you know, I talk about this often about the two people who save my life. One of them is my daughter, definitely, and having her, and then the second is my husband, and fighting him because of that, because he understood the narcissistic abuse and because he knows how to fight against it, you know, he knows when I'm in a certain mood, or maybe I'm off looking off to a gaze that maybe I I'm in my head too much, and or if I'm feeling a little self-doubt in regards to something that I'm doing, we'll have a conversation about that and we'll work through it. And you talked about spending a lot of time at family events of your friends, and I have to say, like a chosen family, when you have been abused, especially when you have been abused by a narcissist, your chosen family really becomes your own family. And they they see you in a way that they love you unconditionally, they call you out on things that are not okay, they help you grow, and I that to me is a really healthy family system. And it sounds like you found that in your partner and with your friends, and that's a big thing.

SPEAKER_02 47:27

It really is, and uh and when you were raised by a narcissistic mother, and uh, I was betrayed uh three times in the last year and a half by three really good friends, and um and it happens a lot with narcissistics on abuse, you know, because when you're raised by one, you're attracting that not only in relationships with your partners but with other friends. So today I'm so grateful to be on the stage that I'm able to identify you're not qualified.

SPEAKER_03 48:05

It's sad, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 48:06

It's sad to stay the way it is, but I don't allow anybody in my life like I used to. All you needed to have to be in my life was a smile and be nice, and you were qualified today. I need more than that because of the betrayals, not from my mother, but also from relationships that I got myself in for not having a good parent, you know, and also uh let's not talk about how I met my dad for the first time when I was seven years old. My mother kept me away from him until I was seven, and um and how she damaged my relationship with your dad, yeah. Yeah, and uh they separated when I was really young, you know. It was a baby, but then when I came to have a better relationship with my dad, it took me years, it was after my 30s I started having a better relationship, yeah, yeah, and um, and he passed away, you know, passed away last year from cancer, and I'm glad that I was thank you. I'm glad that I was able to have you know a little bit of a good relationship with him, right? But you understand that I lost all those years that it makes me angry, right? It made me angry, but I don't get angry anymore because I have this belief that even though we go through pain, everything happens for a reason, and the reason why it's happening is because we need to grow and we need to understand, and it can be very painful because you are the victim, you know, but at the same time, you need to understand that it's life and it's part of a journey, and everything happens for a reason. I believe that I still have this relationship with my dad spiritual, you know. Yeah, yeah, and I was able to see him. Um he passed away the next day. I had a dream about him, and then two days after my dog passed away.

SPEAKER_01 50:16

Oh, I'm so sorry. Gosh, that's so hard. You know, there's this really great book, and I I can't remember the author's name, but there was a movie um that was made out of the book. It's called What Dreams May Come, and it's about how you and your partners, your healthy partners and your kids all are attached to each other. And if there's something that happens, they pass away, you you find each other in um, you know, in the afterlife, and then you come back into, you know, bodies, and it's a really it's a beautiful film, and I'll I'll attach the book is even better. I'll attach it in a show notes so people can tell me what they think. You know, I I've really enjoyed talking with you because what I hear is similarities to not only our stories, we understand each other in ways that you know, unfortunately, people who have not gone through narcissistic abuse, which I'm glad they didn't, but they don't understand. And if anybody wants to do any work with you, we're gonna tag all that information in the show notes so they have it. Um, but I just want to thank you for taking the time, opening up to me, and having this conversation. It was really meaningful. And um, I can't wait to do more things with you.

SPEAKER_02 51:42

Thank you. Thank you for the opportunity. Um, if anyone wants to do sessions with me, they're able to go to my social media. There's a link in my bio. Um, I think that being a daughter of a narcissistic mother, it's really heavy, and it's a pain that goes along with you lifetime, but I think having a community and having each other to talk about it and share different experiences already makes a big difference and it's a free then for that emotional peace that we always wanted.

SPEAKER_01 52:16

Yep, uh definitely. Thank you so much for being here today. I appreciate you. Andreas, thank you so much for your honesty, your wisdom, and the care you bring to this work. Your voice, your story, and your guidance are such a gift to survivors who have spent so long questioning their reality and carrying pain in silence. To everyone listening, if parts of this conversation stirred something in you, please know that nothing is wrong with you. You're not broken, you're not too sensitive, and you're not imagining what you live through. You adapted and survived, and healing is possible. You don't have to walk through this path alone. We've included links in the show notes to show you how to connect with Andreas and Beyond Mommy Dereis and accessing Rising from the Ashes and her healing resources. I encourage you to explore her work and our work and move at the pace that feels right for you. If you're looking for community and support, you're also invited to join us inside the Beyond Mommy Diris community, where we host a free book club, guided support spaces, and low-cost healing groups for adult children and narcissistic mothers and emotionally abusive parents. If this episode resonates, please consider subscribing, rating, and sharing the show with someone who might need to hear it. It helps this message reach more survivors who are searching for language, validation, and hope. Until next time, be careful with yourself. You deserve peace, clarity, and a life that feels like yours. And thank you for listening to the Beyond Mommy Dearest podcast. Learning from a narcissistic mother doesn't happen in isolation or on a timeline. Some weeks you feel steady, and other weeks a small crack can feel like everything opened. That's why we offer monthly support and small trauma-informed support groups for adult daughters of narcissistic mothers. Monthly support looks like ongoing individual support for when real life happens. It includes trauma-informed coaching, ongoing message support, and a private monthly check-in to help you stay grounded, regulated, and supported between moments of contact, conflict, and self-doubt. This support is steady and not overwhelming. There's no pressure to fix anything, just consistent support so you are not carrying this alone. Our groups are intentionally small, confidential, and trauma-informed. They're designed for women who want a community without the chaos, validation without comparison, and structure without judgment. We focus on the shared understanding, nervous system regulation, boundaries, and self- and reclaiming self-trust. Overall trauma-informed support for daughters who grew up managing someone else's emotions and now are learning to protect themselves. You are not behind, you're not too sensitive, you're responding to what you live through. Learn more by visiting Beyond MommyDaris dot com.