Don't Piss Me Off Podcast
Where black girl brilliance shines through unfiltered opinions and a touch of podcast humor.
Don't Piss Me Off Podcast
Dating After Damage: How to Start Again Without Self-Sabotage
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Everyone gets hurt.
The real question is what happens after.
In this episode, Bryana and Yuri unpack one of the hardest parts of healing: learning how to date again without bringing old pain into something new.
Because sometimes what looks like intuition is actually fear.
Sometimes what feels like protection is really avoidance.
And sometimes the damage isn't obvious—it shows up in the way you overanalyze, pull away when things are going well, expect problems before they exist, or test people instead of communicating.
This conversation explores the subtle ways self-sabotage shows up in relationships and how past experiences can quietly influence present decisions. Together, Bryana and Yuri discuss the difference between being cautious and being closed off, how to recognize when you're reacting to the past instead of responding to the present, and what healthy healing actually looks like in real time.
Welcome to the Don't Piss Me Off podcast. If you love black girl brilliance, unfiltered opinions, and real talk, baby, you are in the right place. My name is Brianna.
SPEAKER_02And my name is Yuri. Today we've got a good one. Dating after damage. How do we start dating again and get past this self-sabotage? Girl, who broke your heart? Who did it? Who did it? Oh. Everybody got one of them stories now.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but I feel like when you when you are the person dating the person that's self-sabotaging, oh my God.
SPEAKER_02That's another thing.
SPEAKER_00You know what? Let's go straight into what pisses me off. You ain't even got to ask me, bitch. Don't tell you what pissed you me off. Right. Well, who did it? Do it. What pisses me off is niggas trying to get in the field and they unhealed. Because what you even doing coming over here. A word. Say it again. What what you even doing in the field and you unhealed, honey. Because why are you even coming over here? You see this, you're interested, you thought it was gonna be whatever you thought it was. You didn't fell in love with a real one because it's like that. And now you're doing everything to sabotage this because you're goofy as hell. Go talk to the lady. Go talk to the lady. Ain't lady. Ain't nothing worse than like vibing with someone and their uh representative, aka who they present to be when you first meet them. And you really genuinely get to know them, they get to know you, and then all of a sudden they start self-sabotaging. Absolutely. I could talk about it all day long.
SPEAKER_02That's a whole other thing. We're gonna dive into it a little bit because that is definitely on par for what happens when you don't heal yourself and you self-sabotage it with the new person. But back to what pissed me off this week.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, my girl, you know, I I know I jumped the gun.
SPEAKER_02No, no, no, don't worry. Or did the gun jump me? Listen, it hit you like the spirit, okay? It did. Um, but it's very on par with that because if them people that aren't healed be doing the same type of shit. What pissed me off, those people that like to play victim, okay? When you're in a situation and like you're trying to mind you, I'm I'm talking about this as a friend. Like I'm trying to help you, but like all you're doing is complaining. I don't find it to be productive. I like productive conversations. And all we're hearing about how you complained, it was your fault, it was somebody else's fault. Everybody else can't be the asshole. If you met 10 asshole on a bus, maybe it was you. Oh, damn. I'm just saying, but I just listen, sometimes complaining about what was done to you is ain't gonna get you past that next step. Sometimes you gotta go talk to the lady. Sometimes you gotta dig deeper and realize it ain't that deep and um fix yourself. That's true.
SPEAKER_00It ain't always somebody else's fault. But I ain't gonna lie, the more I talk about some shit, it do make me feel better. Bitch, I'm gonna bring it up every chance I get. And then be like, not to bring it up and then bring it up. I didn't mean to say it, but I do. I know it's been six months, but you know what? That bitch did that shit to me.
SPEAKER_02That was her fault, not mine.
SPEAKER_00Oh my goodness, that's my favorite. But but truly, how do you date again after being hurt, you know, without bringing that damage into something new? That's hard.
SPEAKER_02That's hard. Um and as I sit here and ponder, I I'm trying to think about how I did it. I I think one, it's a it's it's I I'm gonna speak for myself because it's a personality because not everybody can. It's it's it's it's healing. It's like you said, healing. Sometimes it's talking to the lady, sometimes it's searching for what went wrong, you know, and and sometimes it does take seeing what you did wrong. Like you're never gonna get past your past relationship and you claim that it was all wrong or that was so bad. If you don't look at what you did wrong to stay in it, what you did wrong to accept some of that bullshit, and what you did wrong in it as well. You know, if you don't take that damage as an opportunity to heal parts of yourself, then you're gonna be stuck in that same fucking hole.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And you're gonna drag that around, and the next person is gonna be their fault too.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Victim.
SPEAKER_00Hate a fucking victim. And and truly, are you even really protecting yourself? I understand taking things slow to protect yourself, but are you protecting yourself or are you trying to prevent something real because you are terrified?
SPEAKER_02Fear, right? Is is fear the thing that is stopping you from opening up again? You know, like what does self-sabotage look like in real time?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02You know, um and do they know that they're doing it? So it I it happens so often it can't be because it becomes, oh no, you're doing like it, it's you you point the finger at the other person. You're doing that. It's it's reminiscent of behavior that was toxic to you. But what is what is really toxic, like you're identifying things that are a trigger for you, but why you're not you don't know why they're a trigger for you. You don't know what it is. Oh my god, I just got off the phone with my boy the other day, and he is dating a woman that has she acknowledges her past traumas, family traumas, um, mom traumas, all them mommy issues, whatever the case may be, abandonment issues. And she's having difficulty um getting pregnant at her age. Um, and it's not a client, so they ain't no turn client privilege. But um, he mentioned how I don't know if it was in the context of a story, but he had mentioned how he was um how happy he was when his first baby mama had their first son or whatever, and it triggered her, and she called him insensitive for sharing that story. And he's like, I've already been trying my best to treat you with baby hands, little bitch, but um, but he's he's a hood nigga, so it's funny. But um it's it's very much her unhealed traumas, and she's been going to therapy, not enough, but it's it's very clear that him sharing a happy story because the birth of his son. He's simply saying, like Because she can't have a kid, he's being insensitive to her. Oh, okay. Because he can't have a kid, she's he's being insensitive to her because he should know how that would make her feel.
SPEAKER_00But how does it make him feel to suppress the happiest moment of his life to the person that he loves?
SPEAKER_02And and it wasn't even this, like, oh, like I'm bragging about it in the moment while she just got out of the clinic. Correct. Like it was it was very much an innocent story. Yeah. And it's unhealed trauma that now she's sabotaging because he loves her deeply. And he ain't had a girlfriend forever. When he told me he had a girlfriend, I was like, You must really love her. And they've been together for I think it's about a year or some change, but I sell that to say it's it's sabotage. Yeah, it's self-sabotage. He knows she's doing it, she can't get out of the cycle. It it upsets her, it upsets him. And I told him as his as a friend to him, how long do you sit in that cycle? Yeah, because you deserve to not feel this trauma every time. At what point do you give up?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's a challenging one too, as a woman. Um, I'm not sure if I can conceive. Not because I have any issues. I'm just not letting nobody fuck her off. So, so there's that. So, but but but trying to put myself in her position. Um what do you even do to heal a wound like that? Something you desire the most, you can't have naturally. I think a part of healing is considering other ways to love a child that is not biologically yours. Hence, she's in a relationship with someone who has a child, you know? Yeah. Um, but also the the pain that it projects and inflicts onto the partner, aka your your friend, who is like, hey, I'm not being insensitive. I love you. And I was sharing a moment that I found deep, deeply close to me that, you know, I still get emotional about. Like, man, I can't, you know, I remember the day my son was born, and you know, da da. It's not saying, Yeah, bitch, you can't have no goddamn kids. So uh, you know, no, that's two different languages and two different tones. You know, so now he's hurt to where he feels like he can't even share the most vulnerable and most exciting and most emotional part of his life, which was, you know, his mini-me, his son. That's that's a tough one.
SPEAKER_02Uh it's and then that's just like a minor example about, you know, the self-sabotage often comes from those unhealed parts of that prior damage that you have not healed that still linger from whatever past trauma you have, and they're still coming, and you're you're you're nitpicking the negativity in the other person or the or things that they do, and you it it volumes, right? Like it's it makes it more explosive when that wasn't their intention, you know, and it's it it could really fuck up something good.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And what I love about this episode is that I think a lot of polite people believe they have healed when really they've just moved on. And there's a difference between healing and moving on. Because when you heal, you do the work, you acknowledge the pain, you go through the pits of what it feels like, you're present in it and you're just letting it be. And maybe there's a counselor, maybe there is a therapist, maybe you're doing some type of inner work. But when you just move on, all you're doing is compartmentalizing it. And what happens when you're in a situation and something seems familiar? It hasn't even happened yet, but it seems some familiar, and now you start protecting and sabotaging yourself from a situation that's actually not even happening. Yep. Like it's actually not even fucking happening. And that's because you didn't heal. No, you moved on from it by compartmentalizing it, tucking it away. And then the moment that there was any type of trigger, or not even a trigger, because once again, this shit didn't even happen. You got other people paying for someone else's legitimate mistake or someone else's, you know, experience with you or your experience with someone else. That is so fucking unfair.
SPEAKER_02And you said it there because what you are now doing, because if that is a very clear, clean slate person that is loving you for who you are, you are now creating their fucking damage. You are like perpetuating the cycle. Like you have somebody coming to you with their open heart, trying to do the best they very well can. And then now you are becoming an example, like you just keeping the cycle going. You doing to me what they did to you. Exactly. And they could just be there like, what did I do? What's like blindsided?
SPEAKER_00I've been blindsided before. And and you know, it was light enough for me to not just move past it but heal from it because I was a little hurt. Of course, you know, it wasn't deep enough because we weren't in a relationship. It wasn't deep enough for me to be like, whoo, I gotta go, you know, do X, Y, and Z. But it in that time, I was in the thick of healing from something else, not a different relationship, but just life stuff. Okay. And um, when that came to me, it was great in all of the things. And then when it didn't shape out to anything because of sabotage, I remember, you know, talking through it with my therapist week for week. Like, girl, let me let me explain to you from point A to point B, and you let me know how that led to Z and not C. You know what I mean? So the fact that I'm even talking to the lady about you and I'm like watching in real time almost her prediction because of the behavioral pattern, you literally self-sabotage right in front of me. I had never had that before. I had never literally been present enough, healed enough to actually watch the uh language or lack thereof that someone does when they are intentionally ruining something because they think they don't deserve it or they're feel fearful of it and they've never had it. Like sometimes people even fear things because there's no toxicity. When things are healthy, people are terrified of shit that's healthy because they have never been in nothing healthy. Maybe mama and daddy argue all the damn time. You've always thought that contention meant love, and then you get somebody who ain't care. Yeah, yeah. And then you get somebody who's not finna go back and forth with you and get loud and call you out your name and be in your face, and they they know how to literally disagree as a emotionally healthy adult. Correct. And now you don't even know what the fuck to do.
SPEAKER_02Exactly. Now, oh, you don't care, and like you're you're trying to create, you're trying to compensate for their lack of turmoil. Like, you know, people are like, it's too quiet in a room, so you gotta make extra noise. Yeah. No, I I've definitely seen that. I've I've heard of those kinds of relationships and I'm running away from it, you know. And it you were speaking on the characteristics of like what you feel when you're healed, but it's hard to pinpoint when do people actually know when they're healed? Are people rushing into these relationships? Are you going back to back? Yeah, I'm good. It's been a weekend, I'm good, it's been a year, I'm good.
SPEAKER_00Or you jumping on top of somebody fucking else thinking that's gonna solve the problem. Literally, so tying across the goddamn city, thinking that that's gonna solve the problem. Um, and I know we make the jokes, oh, you know, one way to get over a man is to get under another. Fuck that ghetto ass old ass shit. That's when we ain't had no motherfucking uh uh resources. Just fuck somebody else, girl. Somebody else take care of you. Don't worry, you know? Yeah, but I mean, in some cases, and to be fair, in some cases, not only is it a distraction, don't take it seriously. But if you were in something that was absolutely toxic and then you join something that's healthy, now that does help heal you. I do believe in partnership healing you because it's a mirror, right? Yeah, I'm healing the things in me that I never saw, um, good or bad. And then you are also healing the things in you because when you when you find the right partnership, it will hold a mirror to your face and you be like, You ever go off on somebody and know you was damn wrong and you lead a room and you got to come back and apologize? It's like being a dog with their tail between their legs. I mean, I have before, like I have definitely, you know, jumped to something in in whether it was delivery or what have you, and then like literally the next moment was like realized like, bitch, you were fucking tweaking, you were dead ass wrong. Yeah. Now we apologize. You know me. No, no, no. Little Miss Opposite. I'm a slow burn.
SPEAKER_01I'm a slow burn. I'm gonna sit here quiet, but when the minute I get up, I meant all that shit. And when you're ready to apologize to me for making me do it to you, exactly. Then I'll say I'm sorry. Because I could have burned more.
SPEAKER_00Bitch, y'all take shit to the fucking hell. Like, dude. What do you mean you could have said more? That was cutthroat. There was more, nigga. I held back. I held back for years. That was just the top layer.
SPEAKER_02No, oh God. This whole episode has me thinking of every toxic relationship I've had, but I've I've I've grown. Yeah. Um, but I I like you. There's there's been relationships where even they were more toxic than me, but I I hadn't healed from the one before, and then he was toxic and he hadn't really healed fully. And like I went to therapy afterwards. Like I went back like, something gotta give. Like something was too wrong last time. And like I maybe I gotta dig some stuff old, like, why was I responding to this this way? You know, like I saw at the end of the second toxic one, which sounds crazy. Thank God those all happened before my 30s. But um, the second toxic one that I was harboring the unsettled, I was self-sabotaging, but he was also toxic, so I'm thinking I'm justified. But then once the smoke cleared, I was like, I gotta sit with myself for a minute.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02You know, because at the end of the day, it's like it's me that gotta take care of me. So I realized that I had to then heal from responding the best way I could to both levels of damage, you know, because it toxics was coming like Dhamma dozen back then, you know. And um, they be, they they have disguise, they look great, but then, you know, sometimes under the surface, people don't really have it all together. And at the time, I was dealing with a lot. And I think it took me sitting with myself for a minute, like uh we're gonna be single for a little while. Yeah, you know, we're gonna like if love comes to me, it do. But other than that, I I need to process all of that and make sure that the next person that meets me is not dealing with me being defensive over all of that issue and drama and trauma and whatever that was.
SPEAKER_00Now you have admitted to being someone who overanalyzes, and of course, as an attorney, it helps you in your work. Okay. How has that amplified when you used to self-sabotage?
SPEAKER_02Oh. Oh, that's interesting because um my I don't know that my the way I my brain thinks will ever change. Um I I am an over-analyzer at its core, like I overthink, underthink, rethink, quarterback, re-quarterback, call the audible, every problem that could exist. Um but hence why when I find a partner that gives me safety, security, and I'm allowed to release some of that responsibility in having to um address anything, and when I mean any task, issue, whatever, it it allows me to breathe and um think less. I love to think less, contrary to probably belief, if I can, but not many, many relationships have allowed me to do that. But in terms of how that fucks with my self-sabotage, it um I do overthink. It's it's natural. I I'll meet somebody new and I'll overthink the good, the bad, the ugly, the the positive, the negative. But I I tried to, with experience and talking to the ladies, I I learned that I know I have to tell that to shut up. I know I have to tell that side of me to shut up and just be. I know that I have to balance the overanalysis with just have fun. Was it fun? You know, like so that's me acknowledging that's a trait that I have, but I shouldn't let that stop me from getting to know somebody better or using that and turning it in a negative way where I'm analyzing in the wrong way. So it essentially, short answer, I know how I am, and I try not to let that affect how I incorporate new friends, new relationships, new ideas, new anything. I just know that's part of me. That's like knowing I got a bad leg and we just gonna limp with this motherfucker. Like I just know that's part of me, and I learned I've learned how to adapt to it because it ain't going nowhere. I'm always gonna overthink shit.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Do you think that when you are overanalyzing and when you have acted on it in the past, was it like subtle or was it all at once because you have over-stimulated the thought of whatever it was that you were stuck on in that moment? Or was it just slowly you were sabotaging because of whatever you know, thoughts you were replaying and quarterbacking and thinking about what the outcomes were? Were you was you would you throwing it down like a little season? Or were you my therapist today, guys?
SPEAKER_01Brianna's trying to talk to me like she's giving me. But because you're deep. We gotta go deep deep with a deep girl.
SPEAKER_02We could do this here, we could do it over drinks. Me and Brianna talk deep all the time. Um, it I'll say this: I very much will give my all. I will try my best. The overthinking part of me magnifies conflict. So I think other people that don't know me well, people that know me well understand this about me. If we are not vibing and I've talked to you about it and I've had the calm tone, I do not explode. That don't happen. Not like that. That ain't happened since my 20s, and they don't see that Uri no more. I've I'm a changed person. Um, but um it's very much I will not engage in things that allow me to overthink with all this negativity too much. Hence, I will end them. Yeah, I don't leave room for that in my life at all. I have very few friends, I have even fewer close friends. I don't engage in relationships just for the sake of having them. I don't have room in my life nor my brain to continue to go back and forth, up and down, front to back with people, one that don't matter enough, two add to negative thought process within my brain. I my brain's going too far too much all the time. I don't know if I got ADD, whatever it is. The point is, I eliminate that sounds bad, but I I make sure that those are not included in my in my close spaces because my the way I function cannot handle too much of that. So the people that my core, Rotterdie, like these are my people because these are the people that I know that I could be in this journey with. Yeah. If you are not in that, are you making me do too much? And we and I've kept my patience and talked about it, we you gotta go. Yeah. You you on the outskirts now. You've been exiled. You off the island. Survivor, you gone. Yeah. But that's for me though. Um that's not every some people have more. Um, I don't have that battery. I do not have that battery.
SPEAKER_00Getting vote off the island really does suck.
SPEAKER_02It does. But like I love that we're different though, because I think you you you give so much and you have this warm, welcoming, you know, and I think like you change people's energies when you're around. Thank you. I listen, I felt it. Like, listen, when you walk through that door, girl, it was love at first sight. I was like, I was like, look at my bitch.
SPEAKER_00You don't even know she's my bitch yet. I love it. Listen, all of that. Um, but I I can understand that. I think for me, I don't know that I self sabotage, but what I do is I get the fuck out. So uh I I've said it before. I'm not ride or die.
SPEAKER_02I'm just I'm not. We're not riding and we're not dying. Yeah, I'm where we going.
SPEAKER_00I'm not ride or die. And it's not because I'm not loyal. I'm probably one of the most loyal females a man could ever have and a friend could ever have and a sister could have gone. You're gonna be there no matter what. But because I am a Libra, you know, I'm all about fairness and justice. And when I think someone's not justified in their actions and they don't see anything wrong with it, I just get the fuck on. Yeah. You know, and and I don't even mean that in a, oh, I'm compartmentalizing. I'm I'm I'm fully aware of what's happening. I'm watching it happen and I see that there is not a being that's inside of you that is um willing to acknowledge what's actually happening and what I'm not gonna do is argue or challenge a situation that falls on deaf ears. Uh I think because I grew up a pleaser and wanting to please people and wanting them to understand my side so fucking mad. Now I don't give a fuck. And more importantly, more importantly, yeah, if I get any type of, I've I really have been leaning on my intuition. Um, and and you you train yourself to actually listen. We have we're born with intuition, we're born with a certain amount of discernment. Whether we tap in and lead with that is a different, you know, conversation. But because I have trusted myself to lean in, um, the moment that I feel like there is misalignment, I excuse myself versus just sabotaging or trying to create a way for you to not fuck with me so I don't feel bad, right? Because I think men tend to do that a lot. Instead of ending things with a girl, they will do a bunch of shit to make the girl end it first so that they don't feel bad. So you rather, you know, show up, be on bullshit, intentionally trigger so that she can decide for herself to walk away, versus you just saying, hey, this is going well and I'm terrified. Or you know what, this isn't for me and I had a great time, but I think we should begin to do other things, right? I've seen it done so many different ways. And um, my experience in it was instead of someone whole turkey cutting it, they admitted to the fear, they admitted to how well it was going, but they didn't stop fucking with me. Instead, they slowly just did subtle things that would make me say, you know what, this ain't it. Because it made them feel better, because they would truly feel bad. Because there's there's multiple sides to self-sabotage. I think some people truly feel sad. They desire love. People who self-sabotage sabotage in relationships, they desire love. They don't sabotage because it's fuck the world, I hate everybody, and I want to ruin someone else. No, it's because they have not healed. That's their pain. They've only learned to move on and compartmentalize. Then you have people who have never been loved properly, and that's a whole different type of self-sabotage. You don't even know what you're looking for. And that can, and that can even be from your mother, your father. You weren't that could go deep. You don't come from love, so you don't know how to love. So the way that you show it is in a way that is not healthy. So you sabotage in that way, not even knowing that that's what you're doing. Absolutely. You know, there's there's so many different layers to this. And I think that um, as it pertains to the word self-sabotage in itself, even if we take it into a different realm when we talk about in um our careers, how we sabotage opportunities because we're fearful that we are not enough for the next promotion or the new opportunity that's coming to us. So we sabotage and we we stay in our comfort versus that happens all versus going after that next thing all the time. One thing I learned about life is God is not gonna present anything to me that He has not already prepared me for, even if I think I'm not ready. So who am I to turn down an opportunity that he has called me to do because I think I'm not ready? Guess what? Somebody else does, and it's already been written that it's for me. So I gotta go and figure it out, even if that means I'm gonna have to take some training, even if that means I've got to dial in a little more, even if that means I've got to sacrifice some things. But if I'm being called to produce more and be more, that means I'm ready for it, right? And I gotta let go of whatever type of thoughts that are going to hinder me from becoming the best version of myself. And that that applies in love. If this person is presenting to you a mirror or a situation where you have an opportunity to be better, even if it doesn't shape out to something long term, show up and be better so that you can learn and grow. And that next thing that comes along, you're showing up as a person from experience, not from fear.
SPEAKER_02You said so many gems. I wish I had a notepad to write some of these things. I was like, I want to respond. I was like a lawyer taking notes on the other person's argument. But um all of what you said comes down to a few things that hit home for me. Just being focused on like self-improvement. When you leave a relationship daily, being focused on improving yourself independent of whatever the fuck you're in, like trying to make yourself be a better person and then knowing thyself, right? Because you also talked about discernment and people I, anyone need to embrace their own discernment, but you only have true discernment when you fucking know yourself, yeah, and you've you've worked hard and are continually trying to improve yourself because I I know this there's a whole line of people that be like, oh, like I'm not I'm not tolerating this, I'm not tolerating that, but you also don't like you're not doing the work on yourself either. You can't demand and ask for and and cut off ties and say they're not doing this if you're not doing what you need to do too. Yeah, you know, you're not learning, like even when you said you have these relationships where you can learn from somebody, even though you you have to do your you have to get to that point. You have to get to your own level of so I'm trying to improve every day, I'm trying to read more every day, I'm trying to learn. And and you don't have to be necessarily in the person's shoes or have been there, but you can understand and just have more understanding that everybody ain't like you. Yeah. The more time I spend on this earth, I fully understand we are not all the same. And that's okay. But I know who I am, and the other person knows who they are, and it's okay to say this is not for me. But a bunch of people walking around out here that just don't know who they are, don't know where they've been, don't know where they're going, ain't trying to make where they are better, aren't acknowledging the mistakes that they've made, what they've been through. Like this just so much. And what that you just keep self-sabotaging. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And what about self-sabotage and friendships? You know, I I learned really early on. Shout out to my sister Courtney. I love you, baby girl. But, you know, early on in our friendship, you know, I realized that she had never had a real friend. And I almost sabotaged our friendship because I just didn't understand her. Um, but once I really saw her for who she was, I realized you've never had real friends. And remind you, we were in our early 20s when we met. It was a week before she turned 21. Um, and you know, she's from Spokane, Washington, you know, mixed race. You know, was from mixed race, grew up in a white neighborhood, but was like too black for the white kids, and it ain't no black kids. But if even if there was black kids, you're too white for the black kids, too black for the white kids. You get what I'm saying? So I totally understood that. But also, you know, um, when we met, you know, we were uh living in LA. She had just moved to LA, and um, she was so turned on by, you know, Hollywood, and just, you know, she didn't realize that when we would go out, all the quote bad bitches were attracted to her because she could get them into the places they could not get in. But you gonna wait down the block in your motherfucking Lola Shoot Teek Hills out the Santee Alley. Oh, stop it. And you gonna pay to get in. But her, she can come right on up. Yeah. So then you get those people who leech on you. And when you don't come, when you come from a small place like Washington State and you come to a place like Hollywood, you think you've got all these friends. These people are beautiful, they like you, they want to go in the club with you, they want to hang out, they're calling you, you know. And as we got closer, you know, we got close very quick, but as we got closer, I remember telling her word for word, person for person, who wasn't her damn friend. Yeah, the fake. And here, and here we are over 15 years later, 16. And you think any of them girls are around? Absolutely not. So that's when I realized instead of sabotaging this because and trying to throw somebody away because they are not where I am in life, I'm gonna invest in this relationship. And she has equally invested in me because there was times where, you know, I wasn't mature enough to speak to her the way that she should have been spoken to because I couldn't understand how she just didn't fucking get it. You know, and you understand because you're from the East Coast, you know, that East Coast, West Coast, we live a different type of fast life than the Midwest and up north and down south, you know. So for me, I just didn't understand it. But, you know, self-sabotage when people, and I and I'm glad she didn't sabotage our friendship, but when people are not used to a real friend, they will, they will do you like everybody did them because they ain't used to having a real damn friend. They will talk shit about you behind your back because they ain't used to having a a good friend, and they'll, you know, be tit for tat because they not some you used to somebody taking care of it that don't want it back. You know, and me and you were both like this. We go to dinner, I pay, you pay, don't matter. Ain't no, you owe me $32.62. Not that our dinners are ever $60 fucking dollars. But if if they were but if they were, if they were, you know, you ain't never penny pinched me. And our our friendship is new, but I think we we meet each other in alignment. We do.
SPEAKER_02Now, and I know we we can't talk forever, but uh Courtney Girl, I I am very similar in that way. So um I did not have good friends for a long time, and I had friends that were damaged in high school. Um, and my mother didn't grow up around close friends, so I did not see what that looked like. Much, not not much of it. And when you're young and vulnerable, and I went to all girls' schools, so like if anything, that probably was that fucked me up in seeing what a good friend looked like. And as I've gotten older, I've I've had to adapt to it and I've learned more about myself because of it. But what I do know is because of my sensitivity to it, which I acknowledge, one, I don't got many close friends, and two, I could only fuck with people that are on the same page.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Because I ain't got time to teach you at this age.
SPEAKER_00I I in our 20s, that's different. This age, you are who you are.
SPEAKER_02One, you are who you are. People won't admit that, but you are who you are. But very much so that where me and you are aligned is because I already know, like, I don't even have to second guess nothing when it comes to you.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02You know, and and that's important for me and the people closest to me, you know. And I know that about myself because I don't got no patience for no half-ass bitch.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um, and I love that. We ain't got no patience. I ain't got no half-ass bitch. I really don't. And you can be over there and that's fine. I just don't, I don't, I don't, that I don't, that I don't want no wet noodle handshake. Okay, so I don't do that.
SPEAKER_00No junior bitches. No, no junior beaches, not so. Look for the big bitches.
SPEAKER_02We don't want no junior bitches, just I know that ain't for me. But I but I know that because of acknowledging that that's an issue for me. So like I've I felt like Courtney did. I just I was like, okay, now as an adult and and more mature, I know that's the thing. So I I know I can't handle the wish washy. Yeah. You know, and and I I keep it that way.
SPEAKER_00Period. Now we just out here spotting the fake.
SPEAKER_02Listen. Spot in the fake. And they and even if they, you know, something don't seem right, they come to light.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, it always does. With that being said, you know what's about to come to life? These real life scenarios. Oh, go scenario number one, you assume something is wrong when communication slows. Is that intuition or projection?
SPEAKER_02I'll give that one intuition because you know people are creatures of habit. So unless he told me he had a meeting, a business trip, something going on, somebody passed away, communication that has been consistent slows down. Mm-hmm. The spidey senses is showing, just saying. Facts. Just for me. Facts. You pull back when things start going well.
SPEAKER_00Fear. Next, next. Ain't no need to expound on that one. Um, you need constant reassurance, valid or unresolved.
SPEAKER_02Unresolved. It shouldn't be constant. But you could be a words of affirmation person, but we don't need to give you, you know, a hundred words of affirmation every day. Like, chill out, relax. It's too much. You test somebody instead of communicating. Smart or self-sabotage. You text? Test. Oh, test.
SPEAKER_00Test. Like, you know when Cam Newton was like, he tests these new bitches. And then instead of communicating, is it smart or self-sabotage? It's dumb as fuck. Don't test me about shit, bitch. I ain't in school ho. Pop quiz. Yeah, I'm cool. I'm cool. Um with that being said, yeah, I would like to end this with a final mic drop. Go. You know, you guys, I need y'all to listen up. Get close. You can't start something new if you're still reacting to something old. Can I get a Shakespeare snap? Put it on a t-shirt.
SPEAKER_02Put it on a t-shirt. You know, and we've we've been talking about it, but nobody deserves to suffer from what somebody else did. They just don't. And you know, be a good person. Don't fucking do that shit. Get your life together. Talk to the lady. Okay. This was a good one. Like I rehashed, damage. Um but I think I'm the lady. You the lady?
SPEAKER_00I think I'm the lady. You the lady? Y'all drop some motherfucking bombs if y'all think that I'm the lady today.
SPEAKER_02She was waiting for me today. Oh my goodness. You know, come check us out next week. We got a good one for y'all. Side hustle or side boo when your job, your, your, your work environment is coming home and ruining what you're doing at home because you're so focused on work. Is that is that your main or your side hustle? Not you so busy you can't get off. Hey, come check us out. And in the meantime, check us out on Instagram, YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts. We we out everywhere. And please, please, until next time, Brianna.
SPEAKER_00Don't piss me off. Cheers. Self sabotaging asses.