Your Marriage Isn't a Competition. It's a Multiplier - Marriage, Family & Mandate - Part 2

Your marriage or  the mandate? Which comes first?

That is the question. And in Part Two of Episode One, we are going to answer it. 

If you have ever felt like your marriage gets whatever is left over after everything else gets served first, this episode is for you. If you have ever felt the tension between who God called you to be and who God called you to love and serve, this episode is for you.

Because what God designed was never a competition. It was a collaboration.

And when you see what He actually built in that garden and why, it is going to shift something in the way you see your marriage, your family, and your purpose forever.

As you listen, I want you to ponder on this question: If the people closest to you, your spouse and your children, were asked whether your calling makes them feel chosen or competing, what would they say?

That's the question. Don't rush past it. Because the answer is going to tell you everything about whether you've been building what God designed or just building.

If this episode blesses you, don't sit with it alone. Share it with your spouse. Send it to a friend who's been wrestling with the same tension. Leave a review and tell me what shifted. And if you are ready to go deeper than a podcast can take you, head to www.ijeomamanyanwu.com. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Have you ever felt like everything about your marriage was about the ministry or your career? And have you felt like the Lord's work or your career must be given priority? Then today's talk is for you. Hello and welcome to Truth Talk about Life and Leadership Solutions. A place where I help you navigate life, family, and your calling and career in a way that gives you peace and maximizes your potential. My name is Ijoma Anyao. If you're here for the first time, welcome. I am so glad you're here. You may want to go back and catch up on part one first because we laid some important groundwork there around what God's original design about this thing called marriage actually is and the different models that exist in a marriage. But if you've already gone through part one of this, I hope that the question that I left you with is still with you. And it is, what does my life actually say is my first ministry? Let's hold on to that question. Because everything we're about to talk about is going to connect right back to that question. The truth is that most of us are not feeling in our marriages because we've lost interest in each other. We are struggling because somewhere along the way, without making a conscious decision to do so, we let our marriages become the thing we manage in between everything else happening around us. Our marriages became the relationships that was expected to survive on whatever was left over. Leftover time, leftover energy, leftover attention. We are picking up from that intersection of the calling, career, and the marriage covenant, where many of us with good intentions are quietly losing something we really, really cannot afford to lose. In Genesis 2, the scripture tells us that God took the man and put him in the garden to dress it and to keep it. Now that's King James English. And I love it because there's something about those two words, dress and keep. To dress the garden meant he was to cultivate it, he was to work it, to develop it, to draw out of it what it was created and what it was designed to produce. And to keep it meant to guard it, to protect it, to steward it with intention and care. In other words, God placed Adam in the garden with a purpose. It wasn't an idle thing. He gave him something to do, something to build, something to be responsible for. Now, the assignment did indeed precede the marriage relationship. Now, before you start thinking, I want you to hold on because some of us will use that sequence and say, well, you see, the calling comes first, so the marriage has to fit around it. But let's look at what God actually did because the story doesn't just start nor end there. Remember, God said it is not good that man should be alone. After he had given him that assignment, after his working and keeping and cultivating, God still looks at him and says, This is not looking good. And many times we don't stop to think about this. That God for the first time says, It is not good. Think about that context. A perfect garden. He's in direct communion with God, with a purpose, vision, unbroken fellowship with God. And yet God looks at all of that and says, This is not good. It's not complete, not enough, and definitely not in alignment with what I designed for. I can just hear that. So here is what I want us all to understand. God wasn't saying that Adam was emotionally lonely or that he needed a friend. He most likely was looking at the assignment that he had given Adam: cultivating, keeping, nurturing, building, stewarding. And he was saying, uh, it's not good for him to be here alone and to do all of this alone. The work I've placed in his hand requires more than one set of hands. It requires more than one set of minds, and the vision I've put in his heart requires more than what one perspective can see. It's definitely not good for the assignment that this man be alone. Do you see that? That's what we can picture. I can picture at least. So, what does God do? He brings all these animals to Adam. Let's go through that together. Every one of them. And we are told that Adam names all of them, but then the Lord looks and none of them was a suitable helper. None. Because God was not just looking for someone to keep Adam company or something, he was looking for someone suitable, which in the original language carries the idea of something that corresponds to him, something that fits who he is, complements what he carries on the inside, and is capable of someone who is capable of standing alongside him, beside him in what he had been called to do. God was looking for a partner for the assignment, and nothing in all of creation, not the most magnificent creature, not the most impressive animal, nothing else qualified. So, what does God do? He causes a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he takes from Adam's side, and with that rip, he forms the woman. And then he brings her to Adam, and Adam says, Hmm, this is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. This is it. This is her, this is the one. Now, how did he know if he were asleep when the whole process was done? How did he know that that was what was missing? Think about that. Because right there in that moment of recognition, in that covenant declaration, God establishes marriage and Adam acknowledges it. Not as a social arrangement or as a cultural convenience, but as a divine response to a divine assignment and a divine need. The woman was brought into being specifically because there was a need for her. The man needed her, and the assignment needed both of them. So she was not an afterthought. Pause and ponder over that a bit. Woman, you were not an afterthought. Because the truth must not be ignored or overlooked by any of us who want to fulfill the purpose of his or her marriage, or by anyone who wants to help others make a success of this union called marriage. We must all understand that Eve, she was not created as Adam's assistant. She was not a support character in his story. She was not brought alongside him to carry his bags while he pursues his dreams. No. She was created to be a helper. And before you allow that word helper to begin to shrink in your mind, that word, the Hebrew word azer, is used elsewhere in the Bible to describe God Himself when He comes to the aid of His people. It is a word that means strength, not subservience. It's a word of strategic partnership, not supporting rules. So God brought the woman to stand with a man, not behind him or in his shadow, not as an accessory to his personal ambition, but to stand with him as an equal partner in a shared assignment. The garden was not just his to keep. The mandate was not his alone. God's design from the very beginning was for both of them together to cultivate, build, guard, increase, multiply, subdue, and replenish. See, I've seen marriages where the husband's calling, that is his ministry or his career, is the organizing center of the entire household. And his wife is expected to orbit around this center, to serve it, to support it, to sacrifice for it, while her own sense of calling, her own voice is perpetually set aside. And this narrative we often dress up in a language of biblical order, but it's not biblical at all. It's a misreading of God's purpose and a very unhealthy traditional practice that has been handed down from one generation to the next. A very harmful philosophy. I've seen so many men shoot themselves in the foot because of this inaccurate understanding of what God's idea of marriage looks like. Because if you don't get this understanding, it will not work the way it should work. I've also heard of the reverse of women who are so consumed by their calling or career and their purpose and the marriage, the family, the husband now become the things that exist to support her assignment. That too is a distortion. What God designed was not his assignment or her assignment. It was neither for the man or the woman, it was their assignment, a shared mandate carried out by two people who have covenanted with each other and with God to see this assignment through. You see, marriage brings strength to the assignment. Even in Ecclesiastes, in the ninth chapter, we are told that two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. Now, this is not speaking of sentiment or an emotional return. No, it's speaking of labor and return. Work, return, return based on vision. It's talking about output, results, about what gets accomplished when two people who are aligned and working together versus when one person is trying to produce a loan. One shall put to flight a thousand, two ten thousand. Do you see what's happening there? I don't know whether you've ever thought about it. This is not just an addition, it is multiplication. When two people are in a marriage covenant, when they are aligned divinely and are functioning as God designed, the output is not doubled. No, it is exponentially increased. One puts a thousand to a flight, two ten thousand. Tell me where that makes sense. No, it doesn't. Because it's divine order. But that's the mathematics of the marriage covenant. That's the arithmetic of marriage working in the way that God intended. So, what this means is that when you said I do, God was not asking you to divide your focus, He was positioning you for multiplication. He was saying, What I placed in you alone is significant. But what I'm going to do through the two of you now will be beyond what either of you could have done alone. Something neither of you could have calculated. Your marriage was never supposed to compete with your calling or your career. It was designed to amplify it. God's model was never one spouse pursuing purpose in isolation. It's a covenant partnership. Two people submitted to God, aligned with each other, cultivating, keeping, and building, protecting together. This is the picture God painted in the garden. And that is the picture He is still painting today in every marriage that chooses to build from His blueprint. As simple as this thought is, but it's very profound. I had to come to a place in my own life to understand that my marriage was not because of me. It wasn't for my convenience. It wasn't about making me happy. Even though we love happiness, everyone loves to be happy. I had to realize as I look more at this manual, God's word, that my marriage is not primarily about me. It's about the glory of God. It's not about my husband, it's about God's glory. I had to understand, and every day I am reminding myself that this marriage is an assignment. There is a purpose that God has that He wants to achieve. And until I understand that, I will keep making it about me. And when you start making your marriage about you, every petty thing begins to matter. And before you know what's happening, you lose focus of the big picture. So that is why we have to establish these things that this marriage is not about me. Sometimes you have to suck it up, keep focused, and do what God wants you to do in that moment. Now I'm not saying that we stay in marriages and continue to be abused and things like that. No. When abuse comes into that marriage, then there is still a lack of understanding somewhere. That person does not understand his or her role and does not understand what this marriage union is about. Because when you understand what this is about, abuse will never come in. You won't even think it. You may imagine it. Because sometimes in those dark moments, in those trying times, you actually feel like, okay, I can do this and then I ask for forgiveness. You know, I mean, just on a lighter note. But you wouldn't think of abusing the person who has been placed beside you to fulfill your purpose. To fulfill that assignment that you are going to give an account for. This kind of partnership doesn't happen automatically. It will not happen simply because you love each other and that you both love God. Sounds strange, doesn't it? It has to be a path that both of you choose and one that you are ready to keep building on. Yes, it's a building because it requires constant conversations between the both of you. You must both be intentional, and both of you must be willing to keep asking yourselves not just what is my calling and purpose, but what are we building together? What are we dressing and keeping? What are we cultivating? And are we doing it as partners God has designed us to be? Or have we drifted into something that looks more like two individuals sharing a household rather than a covenanted couple pursuing a mandate? These are difficult questions, uncomfortable, but they are necessary. We need to keep asking ourselves and checking in regularly. They are the kind of questions that we are going to keep working with in this series. Because I believe that when a marriage is truly aligned with the one who instituted it and with his plan, when both spouses understand their marriage union as a foundation of their calling or purpose rather than a competition, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, they cannot accomplish. Jesus said, Whatever the two of you shall agree as touching, it shall be done for you. So just so you're aware, there are still gardens waiting to be dressed and kept. And God is still looking for marriages that are willing to work with him. Before I end today's talk, let me say this. That word called ministry at its core simply means service, giving yourself your time, your energy, your gifts in service to something or someone. Let me call it not just ministry, purpose. But I want you to ask yourself, who is your ministry for? If that answer comes to your mind as maybe congregation, my clients, my organization, my online audience, let me just say that. It is the children who call you mommy and daddy. It is the home that God has placed in your care. That's your first congregation, that's your first assignment. Everything else flows from how well you steal that. Now, this doesn't mean that your calling or your career outside the home isn't important. It is, I mean, absolutely. But the order matters, and when the order is right and the foundation is strong, the walls of whatever you are building will stand. Maybe something has shifted, not just intellectually, but something deep. Maybe you are walking in a new season in your marriage and you are not quite sure of how to navigate it. Or you may be that person where the two of you are further apart than you've ever been, and you're not even sure of how you got there nor how to get back. Yours could be that you're carrying the weight of a calling or an assignment that is growing faster than your marriage feels it can keep up with. Or are you just in a place where you know something has to change, but you don't know where to start? You don't have to figure this out alone. This is part of what I do. Walking alongside couples and individuals who are committed to getting life right. If you're in that season where you need more than this episode, you need a real conversation, a real strategy. You need someone who has lived enough to speak into your specific situation and to offer you support and encouragement. I want to invite you to reach out. Let's talk. Because you were never designed to go through all of this alone. We all need someone, and the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to invest in yourself and in your marriage. So for more about this coaching, please visit my website at www.ejomaun.com. I would love to hear from you. Let's pray together. Father, thank you for every person who made it to the end of this talk. You know each of us and you know the road that we are traveling. You know, Father, your plan for each of us. Father, thank you because you are never ever surprised. Lord, I commit every marriage to you and I ask that you take us deeper. May this series Be a tool that sharpens our hands and makes us strong to keep building what you need us to build. May we live today, Lord, being more intentional, more connected, and more convinced than ever that you have joined us together and what you join is worth every effort that you pour into it. Father, I pray for every marriage that is struggling right now. I ask that you step into that situation. Father, breathe afresh onto that marriage. Restore what has been lost. Remind them, Lord Jesus, that you are a God of restoration. Not just restoring souls, but restoring relationships, marriages included. Father God, I pray for those who are at the edge of a new season and they are not sure of what's going on on the other side, what to expect. Father, I ask for courage. I ask that you grant them light and give them each other, the couple in that union. Grant them a way that they can stop just living in empty expectation, but to be in that place where they actually receive from you guidance, strength, wisdom, making you the center. Father, I pray for anyone who came here who was just barely holding on. I speak peace into that life. In the place of every confusion, I speak peace that surpasses all understanding. I speak over every home here today. I declare that that assignment in your hand is not over. You will fulfill that assignment. That mandate will be fulfilled to the glory of God. That which has been termed wasted, the Lord will restore in the name of Jesus. Thank you, Father, for what you are doing. We give you glory for the fruits. We give you praise, Lord, for lives that you are touching through us. In Jesus' name. Amen. Once again, I'm so glad that you were able to finish this episode with me today. Please come back for episode two. We are going to be talking about how to protect your marriage when your schedule is full and spouse is beginning to wonder where they are on the list of your priorities. So you don't want to miss that. Please make time to listen to that. And if today's talk has helped you in any way, please share with someone else who needs it. Rate it, comment, and follow. And if you are on YouTube, please like, comment, subscribe. Take care of your garden. A marriage divinely ordered is a ministry, a career, or a purpose powerfully positioned. Bye bye for now.