derailed by disapproval? daffodils and tulips are both beautiful, and one cannot be the other.

Do you believe what you do is never enough—that you are not enough? If so, you are not alone. In this episode I explore the possible origins of the pressure women feel to gain approval and how my work with women led to the expression, “Blooming Outside the Lines.” In this episode, I share

• the connection between self-worth and approval in women who came to see me, no matter how bright, capable, and accomplished they were.
• that based on our history as women, it is understandable that pleasing and appeasing would have been passed down both genetically, as well as through socialization.
• that when constantly strive for approval, we operate from a shaky foundation, leaving us feeling insecure and not enough.
• that what may seem like small steps will add up and help build a solid foundation, based on your wisdom.

To learn more from Deb,

¨    Visit her website at https://creatingchoicesdeblang.com/ for information about her online courses and free info sheets and guides designed to support you as you navigate life’s challenges. 

¨    To explore your beliefs about self-care, check out her free guide athttps://creatingchoicesdeblang.com/finding-time-for-self-care/

¨    If you struggle with feeling good enough, check out her book Never Enough—Separating Self-Worth from Approval.

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Transcript

This transcript was created using AI and has had some light editing. Please forgive transcription errors. Thank you!

If you're tired of feeling never enough, of constantly being derailed by your own fears or the reactions of others, then you are in the right place. I'm Deb, a licensed psychologist, and this is Blooming Outside the Lines, a podcast dedicated to women who've spent their lives trying to stay within the lines of what's acceptable, who've never felt good enough and who are ready to break free and bloom. Let's talk about how you can build a solid foundation connected with your strength and your wisdom. Before we start, I need to make sure that you know that the information I share with you is just that. It's just information. It's not meant to be a prescription for what you should do or meant to replace the advice of any of your healthcare providers. It also doesn't mean that we have a professional client-therapist relationship.

Hi there and welcome. Because so many people are struggling or seem to be struggling right now with difficult emotions, my plan for this episode was to share strategies for dealing with emotions. And as I was doing that, I realized that I haven't really shared much about the idea of blooming outside the lines. And so I decided to focus on that instead. And I will definitely come back to dealing with difficult feelings. 

The concept of blooming outside the lines originated from my work with clients and listening to them describe these very narrowly defined expectations for how they believed they needed to be. As I started to use that expression of trying hard to stay within the lines of what was considered acceptable, I found that so many women could relate to that concept, that it became the way I began to describe the pressures to be good enough. 

Then, as I watched women start to separate their worth from these narrowly defined expectations, I watched them bloom right before my eyes. And the idea of blooming outside the lines was born.

So let me back up a bit. Over the years, working with women, I started to notice a pattern in the women who came to see me of never getting to the place where they could relax or felt like they could do things for themselves. They came in with various explanations for this —anxiety, lacking motivation, being unorganized, not being thin enough, some deficiency in themselves that was keeping them from feeling good enough and from the place where they felt secure enough to relax. 

What was so puzzling to me over the years was that these women were bright, capable, intuitive, successful women. And over and over as we peeled back the layers of the problems that brought them in, there was a belief of not being good enough. I wondered, I often wondered to myself, if these women aren't good enough, who could possibly be good enough. 

And what was even more interesting to me was that when we kept looking further and further into this belief, I heard almost identical words describing a connection between their worth, their sense of being okay or lovable, and the approval of others. It was really uncanny how similar the words were. They were almost exact.

And all of the striving they were doing seemed to be being driven by this deep-seated fear of not being okay in the eyes of others. Many, if not most, I guess, of the women I worked with didn't realize this connection between their worth and how others saw them. They just simply felt a pull to keep doing more and more. And despite all they did, they were unable to find peace no matter how hard they tried. There always seemed to be one more thing that they needed to work on or get done before they could relax.

Most had good intentions and understood that caring for themselves was important and just couldn't seem to make this happen. And this wasn't from a lack of trying. I'm imagining if you were drawn to this podcast that you can relate. I'm betting you are a bright, capable woman. and that it drives you nuts that you can't figure out how to get to that calm and secure place you're hoping to get to, no matter how many articles you read, no matter how many classes you take. And even though you know that self-care is important, you feel propelled to keep trying to be more or do more to feel like you deserve to take a break and care for yourself.

I think I mentioned this in a previous episode, this idea of self-care being a reward rather than a requirement. So a reward when you've done enough or are good enough. And from my experience, both my own experience and my professional experience, I'm imagining that you most likely believe the reason you can't get to that place where you feel enough is because of some personal deficiency, that you are the problem, that you're not organized enough, motivated enough, confident enough, and on and on. You may wonder why it is that you can't, or you may believe that the reason that you can't achieve

what other women achieve is because of this deficiency in yourself. I know that's where I was with this. And because you believe there's something wrong with you, nothing in your life feels very secure, not your relationships or your work, your friendships, because of this connection between your worth and approval. Even the slightest hint of disapproval can confirm your worries that there's something wrong with you, that you're not good enough.

Maybe your boss hasn't been as friendly or talkative and your anxiety spikes as this wire lights up along with the fear that she's unhappy with you and you might lose your job because you're not good enough. Or you hear your partner arriving home from work and your heart sinks. You look around in fear and guilt noticing the mess you've made and feeling certain that he or she will be disappointed in you and you end up feeling swamped by a fear of rejection.

If your experience has been like mine and the women I've worked with, it never ends. It never feels like what you do is enough. There's always some way that you're not measuring up or somebody that seems to be unhappy with you. Peace and security constantly feel out of reach.

For me, and for many of the women that I've worked with, I had no idea that it was core connection between being lovable and having people approving of me that was keeping me constantly striving.

Other women have known that connection, like they've come in and said, I get so derailed by the disapproval of others, had found it really hard or impossible to break that pattern. And as a result, they were feeling guilty or ashamed.

And whether women were aware of the pattern or not, most came in with symptoms as a result of all this striving, like depression or anxiety or questions about why they couldn't be as motivated as they believed they should be or as thin or as social. There were just so many ways that women weren't feeling good enough.

And as I worked with these women did my own personal work around this, what I discovered and we discovered was that this connection between approval and our sense of being okay or lovable was really difficult to turn around.

I shared this with you because if you've been hard on yourself about that, I would encourage you to let it go. And I would encourage you to think about stop using the term people pleaser. Maybe it's just me and that term seems to have a judging quality to it. I have spoken with way too many women

to believe that this is a personal defect. When I was writing my book and people heard about the title, Never Enough, I can't tell you how many women, and I'm not talking about my clients, women I knew, women that were helping me with the creation of the book, who said, my gosh, I need that book. So I want you to know that you are not alone. 

And I doubt the basis of this is a personal defect in you. Yes, of course, our personal histories play a role in the beliefs that we have. And my hunch is that the contributions of our personal history are layered on top of these fears that we as women have that have been passed down from the women who came before us.

I suspect that this connection between approval and feeling lovable or good enough is wired at a survival level. I say that based on the degree of fear that comes up pretty consistently when women think about changing these patterns and based on how difficult it seems to be to change them.

This is not a belief that I can say, ⁓ that doesn't make sense. I'm not going to do it anymore. Things that are related to survival or that have been traumatic or stressful seem to be passed down thru our genetics. And I think if that wasn't true, how unlikely it would have been that we would have survived as a species. 

If we constantly forgot that predators were dangerous, I don't see how we would have survived. And for all of us, early in our history as humans, being a part of a tribe was essential for survival. If for some reason you were thrown out of the tribe, death was inevitable. And so there's likely a fear of rejection.

in all of us. And with time, men gained more freedoms and were able to live independently, while women remained dependent on men for both safety and survival. And so being appealing and chosen were once essential for our survival as women. And so it makes sense that that would be passed down to future generations. And it wasn't that long ago that women didn't even have the right to vote or to defend themselves in court. If a claim was made against a woman, she had no way to defend herself.

Think about that, think about how scary that would have been. And it seems understandable that as women, we would have learned to please and appease in relationships in order to get what we needed and to stay safe. And that we would have socialized our daughters to do the same thing and that the idea of displeasing others would generate fear in much the same way as encountering a predator would

And because of this wiring or this fear of not being sufficiently appealing, we are vulnerable to societal pressures and social media. We end up comparing ourselves with other women in hopes of being as good as them, if not better than they are.

How many times do you end up feeling depressed or afraid or insufficient in some way after viewing friends on social media?

We are afraid to not measure up when it comes to other women, to not be good enough to be chosen. And as a result, women become competitors rather than true sources of support in being ourselves in the world.

In addition to these fears being passed down and our vulnerability to societal messages, a big part of the difficulty in changing these patterns comes from the priorities of the brain. Anything that is wired with safety or survival is going to be wired tightly and likely passed down to future generations. And I've mentioned that one. If that didn't happen and we forgot predators were dangers, we wouldn't have survived as a species. The other thing that is important in the brain is efficiency and conservation of energy. And using what is already in our brain, requires much less energy expenditure than creating new pathways does. So even though old wire connecting safety with approval might lead to further distress, that well-used pathway will be chosen over a new one you are working on developing.

The other action of the brain that keeps us vulnerable to these old wires is that the brain is always scanning the environment, trying to match what is happening in the present with what has happened in the past in order to help us be prepared and stay safe. And it operates under the principle of it's better to be safe than sorry.

And so someone doesn't have to tell you that they are unhappy with you for these wires to light up. Like I shared earlier, even a look can trigger these wires, leaving us feeling anxious, afraid, and not good enough.

I share all of that with you in hopes that you will be gentle with yourself. Of course you worry about displeasing others and strive to be pleasing. Of course you try to keep others happy. And of course it would be hard to change these patterns even if you knew they weren't working very well for you.

As I was thinking about this episode, I was thinking that I hope this podcast doesn't become another source of shoulds for My goal in creating this podcast is not to tell you what to do, what you should do. My goal in creating it is to support you in being you. Only you know what is best for you.

And when I say that, I'm not eliminating the role of spiritual guidance or support from others. You get to choose your beliefs, not me or anyone else. My wish is to support you in developing a connection with yourself. So, that you are attuned with what you want, with what spiritual beliefs, if any, you want for yourself, and with who you are meant and want to be.

I want you to know that if you feel like you are never enough, of course you would feel that way based on our history and the continued messaging that we hear about what we need to do to be okay. This is not about becoming islands of self-sufficiency with no support from the outside or from the spiritual. It's about finding what I refer to as the middle. the place where I care about you and what you think, and I'm also firmly connected with who I am and what I need and what I believe. Your needs or wishes don't determine my value, whether the you is another person or societal expectations. 

As long as at my core, I believe that to be okay, I need to keep others happy or avoid disapprove, there will never be time for self-care as there will always be someone who disapproves or who's unhappy or some expectation or way that you're not measuring up.

In closing, want to explain my title. Just as a daffodil bulb is meant to be a daffodil and not a tulip, you are meant to be you. If I'm disappointed with the daffodil for not being a tulip and because of that I don't take care of it, it's still going to be a daffodil and it won't be the gorgeous, healthy, daffodil, it would be with loving care.

In the same way, striving to be what you believe others want you to be or who you should be can keep you from caring for yourself. When we look at ourselves with disgust or disappointment, it's hard to make the time to give ourselves the care that we need. And when we don't give ourselves the care we need, we can't blossom and bloom into all that we could and are meant to be.

Blooming outside the lines takes courage and it takes perseverance. It rarely happens overnight. In my experience, it's hard to even notice that changes are happening until we've been at this a while and look back at where we were and where we are now.

It's the little changes that add up that is the reason I end each episode asking in what way you could light a candle of self-acceptance. Because it doesn't have to be a big candle. It can be a candle the size of a birthday candle. And we have to start somewhere. And it doesn't matter how small the step is. And my hope in creating this podcast is to support you as you step your toe in the water outside the lines of what you have believed is necessary to be good enough. To provide ideas for dealing with the feelings that come up as you do that, as well as the science supporting self-care as a requirement rather than a reward.

I don't know what is best for you. Only you can know that. What I believe is that you deserve to be you, even if others disagree. And my hope is that this podcast, in some small way, can support you in looking at your own beliefs and fears and deciding what is right for you, not based on what I say or what anyone else says—based on what you believe, based on the wisdom that is there within you. 

And that as you begin to separate your worth from the approval of others and connect with yourself, that letting go of the striving to be enough will open you up to deeper connection with others and the spiritual in whatever way you define that.

Just as a daffodil bulb deserves the care it needs to bloom into a gorgeous, healthy daffodil, you too deserve the care to become the most radiant version of yourself no matter what others think or say. As long as we are basing our worth on the approval of others, we will be operating from a shaky foundation, as there is almost always some way that we are disappointing someone. Basing your worth on your values and your wisdom provides a much firmer foundation.

I hope this helps to explain where the idea of blooming outside the lines originated. I'm sure I will be coming back to this in future episodes. And if you want to learn more before then, there's a link to my book, Never Enough, in the show notes. So, here's to your blooming. Take care and bye-bye.

This has been Blooming Outside the Lines, a podcast dedicated to supporting you in blooming into all you are meant and wish to be. If you enjoyed it and gained value, please consider leaving a review, as it will help other women to find it and please share it with anyone who would benefit from it. And if you would like to be notified when new episodes become available, be sure and follow on your favorite podcast app. Until next time, how will you light a candle of self-acceptance? Because you deserve to be you, even if others disagree.