The Power of Saying No

In this episode of Restless Excellence, host Tonya Richards explores a truth many high performers quietly experience but rarely say out loud:

We are very good at saying yes. Yes, to opportunities, helping, and one more thing, even when our capacity is already stretched.

Most of the time, that yes isn’t coming from alignment. It’s coming from pressure; pressure to not disappoint, to be seen as dependable, to avoid discomfort. Unfortunately, over time, that comes at a cost.

Through personal reflection and lived experience, Tonya unpacks the power of saying no, not as defiance, but as discernment. The kind of no that protects your energy, clarifies your priorities, and allows you to lead and live more sustainably.

In this episode, she explores:

• Why high performers struggle to say no
• How over-responsibility and people-pleasing quietly show up
• The hidden cost of constant yeses on your time, focus, and well-being
• How to set clear, respectful boundaries without guilt or over-explaining
• Why every no creates space for a more intentional yes

This is not about doing less but about choosing better; saying no doesn’t make you difficult, it makes you clear.

© 2025 Tonya Richards. All rights reserved.

Restless Excellence™ is a trademark pending.

All original content produced are the intellectual property of Tonya Richards and may not be reproduced or presented as original work without prior written permission.

Transcript

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This is Restless Excellence a podcast for people who care deeply work hard and are quietly asking themselves Is this sustainable? I'm Tanya Richards. I created this space because I've lived the tension between achievement and exhaustion. The tension between being capable and being depleted. The tension between success on the paper and something feeling off in my body. Restex Excellence isn't about doing more. It's actually about telling the truth. The truth about work, the truth about leadership, the truth about ambition, and ultimately the cost of carrying too much for too long. These conversations that we'll explore in this podcast, they aren't going to be polished. They'll be reflective and they'll be honest. And they're for people who don't want to lose themselves while building something that matters. Let's get into it. Let's start with a truth most high performers don't like to admit publicly. I'm sure there's a lot, but we'll talk about one specific one this episode. So we as high performers we're really good at saying yes. Yes to opportunities, yes to being helpful, even yes to hey, just one more thing please. Those who already know what I'm talking about also know that most of the time we don't say yes because we want to. We say yes because we don't want to disappoint people, even the ones we do not really care about. We do not want to be misunderstood, nor do we want to be seen as difficult. I would usually say yes, even with a full calendar, believe it or not, with very low capacity, and even this silent knot in the bottom of my stomach, I would still say yes. Many times I've said yes, knowing it would cost me sleep. Anyone who knows me knows I love my sleep, it would cost me even my peace, andor it may even cost me my focus. And then I told myself this is just what leadership requires. That's sort of what I would say to justify it, right? But in actuality, this was a fallacy, and over time I learned something very, very, very important. I learned that every yes carries a cost. So in this particular episode, I really want to talk about the power of saying no and oh. And to be clear, not saying no as defiance, but saying it as discernment. Ultimately, as we continue this conversation, you will hear more about some items that I've shared previously with regards to boundaries, clarity, and even learning to honor your capacity without guilt. Now, let's talk about this. Why do high performers struggle to say no? I think it's because we are often rewarded for overfunctioning. This actually often happens early in most of our careers. We realize that saying yes gets noticed, it builds trust, and it even creates momentum. However, somewhere along the way, that yes stops being a choice and actually turns into an expectation. Now, I remember being the person people came to because they knew I'd figure it out. Usually I would take pride in that, people knowing that I'll figure it out, until one day I realized that I was quietly training people to expect unlimited access to my time and my energy. Unlimited access. I could be risking losing credibility, or I can even be risking letting someone down in that moment. Now, speaking of letting folks down, let's talk about people pleasing and overextending, or what I've been calling lately over-responsibility. Sometimes we don't say no because we're carrying responsibility that's not ours. That's what I call over-responsibility. Carrying responsibility that's not ours. This over-responsibility, it actually creeps in because it masquerades as leadership. And then this people pleasing, it actually goes unnoticed by many because it often disguises itself as professionalism. People pleasing goes unnoticed because it often disguises itself as professionalism. Now, from personal experience, though I'm naturally an introvert, I'll share some stories. There was a time in my adult life where I said yes to almost every invitation that would come my way for social events. I would say yes to commitments, I would say yes to endless requests, endless favors, and I even did so when I was tired, when I really needed rest. And even when I was stretched way too thin. I would often tell myself I was being supportive. I wanted to be present or even appeared loyal to a friend or colleague. But I have to tell you, underneath all of that, I just didn't want to disappoint anyone or deal with this discomfort of declining an invitation. And honestly, there were moments when the energy level wasn't always mutual. Meaning, when I needed that same energy from the people, the effort from the people, they were not returned. They were not reciprocated. It just wasn't always there. Now, there are a few evenings that actually stand out, but one in particular that I'll reference, I actually had a full week, meaning a full week emotionally and mentally. I was just spent. I knew that I needed quiet. Again, I'm an introvert, we need that quiet time. But when the invitation came, I just automatically said yes. I got all dressed up, I showed up, smiling from ear to ear, engaged with the other attendees at the event, and appearing present, but I guess appearing present on the surface. All the while, internally, I felt resentment just rising, bubbling to the surface. Not towards anyone in the room, by no means, but towards myself. Because the resentment wasn't about the event that I was attending, it was about the boundary that I did not hold, or the boundary that I knew I should have set that I did not set. And I guess that was just a social experience. I would say in a professional space, I've had a lot of these similar experiences and similar journey as well. And that's really about the journey of learning to say no. As a matter of fact, at work, I said yes to almost everything. If someone needed help, especially leading a project, I said yes. Even if something was dropped late on a Friday afternoon on my lap, I would say yes. And I can admit doing this was only so that I can, I guess, appear dependable and even protect my reputation because they were not always aligned with my goals or my purpose, these projects or these initiatives. Most times they were out of alignment. Now, the biggest thing that I had to confront to sort of overcome this was knowing that I was saying yes constantly. Even when the support wasn't always reciprocated, especially in the workspace, I would usually be the one to step in quickly to help others. Just roll up your sleeves. Even when I've had leadership roles that were above a particular project or goal, I would just want to help. But and here's the but when I needed reinforcement from those same individuals, I noticed that there was silence. Or even people dragging their feet, there was a delay. Let me think about it, let me get back to you. And guess what? Me, Tanya, I still kept saying yes. Even after making that initial observation some time ago. Now, one day I decided, you know what? I'm gonna try something different here. I decided to pause and see how it would play out. So when asked this one time to help out, I looked at my calendar. I looked at my energy and even what my existing responsibilities were at the time. And then I asked myself something. Something I had never asked myself before that day. I asked myself, if I say yes to this, what am I quietly saying no to? Whoa, mind blown moment. And guess what? Answer hit me like a ton of bricks. It was Claire as day. I was quietly saying no to my peace and my sustainability. So for the first time some years ago, especially in that kind of professional setting, I said, I don't have the capacity to lead this right now. I love to say that now. I don't have the capacity to lead this right now. And I did not over explain why. I didn't soften it with a, but maybe I'll nope, none of that. I didn't even offer to still carry part of the project. It was just a no. And oh. Ultimately, I got to the point where I had to ask myself, am I helping or am I avoiding discomfort? And I was avoiding discomfort. Meaning, those uncomfortable and awkward moments that may come when you say no, that's what I was trying to avoid. And I can tell you from all these experiences that I've had then and even up to current, I learned that avoiding a difficult conversation in the moment often creates a bigger problem later. I can share some stories about those times too. Now, here's the reframe that actually had to change everything for me when I came to this aha moment some years ago. When you're saying, or maybe even hearing the word no, you have to really realize that this is not rejection. Again, on either side of the no, it's just something that should be taken as information because it actually helps to clarify priorities and even helps to protect your focus, whether you are the distributor of the no or the receiver of the no. It just helps to set expectations for all the parties involved. Now, in those experiences that I shared earlier, both personal and professional, when I learned to say no without guilt, the discomfort I was avoiding, it only lasted maybe a few minutes, if that. Unlimited access, and doing so without partnership. So saying no without guilt was the beginning of me resetting that particular expectation. Now, when I started saying no with clarity and doing so directly and without over-explaining or apologizing, people just they had no choice but to adjust to that. Because that was the new thing, that was the new norm. You just adjust their world nor mine fell apart, and the yeses that actually remained after all those no's felt more intentional instead of resentful. One of the key takeaways that I think you should have from this session today is realizing that every no actually creates space for a better yes. When you say yes to something that is in alignment with your particular pursuits, you feel more grounded and less like you are betraying yourself because it comes from a place of capacity and not a place of pressure. I've actually learned to ask myself simple questions and doing so before committing to something. That question is does this align with my priorities? Does it align with my values? Does it even align with what I'm doing in this season of my life? If the answer to these simple questions is no, then the response has to be no too. A lot of us are still struggling with boundaries because we don't have the language. Many of my mentees and folks that I've coached or continue to coach have asked me for help with this sort of language and trying to find the words and how to say it appropriately. And some of the options that I've actually provided them, it's very simple and it's clear, and of course, it's respectful without even apologies or justification needed. Some of that actually sounds like I don't have the capacity to take this on right now. My favorite. This isn't something I can commit to in this season. I want to be transparent. I can't give this the attention that it deserves. Or even that won't be possible for me. But thank you for thinking of me. I love that. As you can hear from what I've shared, boundaries are not explanations, they're just statements. And creating those boundaries does not mean that you care less. It actually means that you care honestly. So as we close this episode and continue this restless excellence journey, remember saying no doesn't make you difficult. It actually makes you clear, it protects your energy, it honors your values that you hold, and it creates space for work and even relationships that are actually sustainable. Also remember that you don't owe everyone access to you. You should put yourself and your needs first. Practice these boundaries with confidence, choose aligned yeses, and trust that saying no can be one of the most powerful leadership moves that you can make in your career. So, here are the questions that I leave you with for this episode until next time. First, what are you saying yes to out of habit? And what would happen if you chose clarity instead? Next question What has saying yes historically given you? And what has it cost you? This is RestX Excellence.