Feelings, Faith, and the Discipline of Self Control

Are women really “the emotional ones” and men “the logical ones”? Or is that just an easy excuse we’ve all learned to use?

In this episode of Deep Water, Jackie and Christi wade into the real conversation about emotions — why God gave them to us, why we struggle with them, and why maturity isn’t about shutting feelings down but learning what to do with them.

Together they explore:
• Why emotions are a human experience, not just a gender stereotype
• The difference between feeling something and being ruled by it
• How emotional awareness leads to spiritual maturity
• Why self-control (yes, the Fruit of the Spirit) is the bridge between logic and emotion
• And the hard question: Are we excusing emotional immaturity as “just how I’m wired”?

Feelings aren’t the enemy. But discipleship means learning how to hold emotion and wisdom in the same place.

Because in the Deep Water life, it’s not about denying what we feel — it’s about letting the Spirit shape how we respond.

🎧 Listen in and join the conversation.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey friend. Hi Jackie. Welcome back to another in-person together Cincinnati podcast. Yes, so happy to be here.

SPEAKER_00 0:08

I love it when we get to be together. I just want to thank you for keeping the fireplace going because this Florida blood takes a lot to warm up.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

I'm so sorry. Yeah, you know, it's a long, slow, cold winter into spring here, but we get four seasons and so I know. I'm just gonna take your pink flowers on your sweater and I know I'm pretending. Pretend. We're gonna pretend together.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Because when it is like this outside, because I used to live in Cincinnati for 14 years, so this isn't startling to me. But I remember these days when they were dreary, they would kind of bring me down a little. Sure. Or and I'd go, why am I you know, I'm used to this? Like, why am I not in a perky mood or whatever? Which draws us to our topic for today.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

Emotions, feelings. Yes, I want to sing who sings the song's feelings. Whoa, feelings. Um, I don't have the greatest singing voice. Sorry to my dearest friend Janet, who does. I tried. Um, you know, there is a stereotype, Christy. Do tell that girls, women, we're all emotional and all feelings, and guys, they're all logic.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

Is it because we are just made to be maternal and tap into when children are unhappy or in need?

SPEAKER_01 1:39

Perhaps part of it, sure. I think yes, I think there is an innate wiring that God gives women with the perfect intention of bearing children. Okay. We are not in a perfect world, but we are created to grow life and to bear children, and we need to be in that emotionally sensitive creatures. Yeah, there is equally the inherent gifting to be a warrior, to be a fighter, and the Bible, while Jesus wept and Jesus, you know, was angry and turned the tables over in the temple, and it was righteous anger, the Bible doesn't say don't have feelings. Right. It does, however, caution that we shouldn't make really big choices out of our feelings. So we have giftings and different giftings, but there is this real stereotype, and is it true? It's a very good question. Is it true? Because I I don't know about you and you know your marriage, but for work reasons and other things, the Mac and I have done a lot of these personality tests. Okay, and on the zero to one hundred scale, I am 98% emotive. Okay, and he is 98% logical. Okay. So there is totally makes sense knowing the two of the other. There is this cavern between us in how we see life and how we relate to one another and all of life's experiences.

SPEAKER_00 3:26

So you have to have good communication in order to bridge that gap.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

33 years of marriage, we're working on it. Awesome. But it brings up is this difference man-made or god-made? And is it real? Or is it just something that we've come up with because it's an easy go-to to say, oh, well, she's just crazy emotional, she's just a girl. Or, you know, oh, of course, he's totally logical and he wouldn't have any feelings to even remotely understand what I'm experiencing.

SPEAKER_00 4:05

Like, right. Is that real? Yeah, well, I think when you mentioned Jesus, he had all the emotions.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

He did.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

And the fact that it was a male, a male on earth in his humanness, yes, having those emotions, I think it almost isn't a gender-based thing. Sure. It's a human experience. I think emotions are human experiences. I think that some of those have those emotions have been hindered on both female and male sides. Just from childhood, from just um, you know, our maturity in and of itself of the things that we've experienced that have either hindered or helped us. I think what really comes down to is how we react and respond to those emotions.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

And that's such a level of maturity because Christy, why do we default to the oh, she's a woman and she feels X, or he's a guy and he doesn't feel he, you know, is a thinker. Um why do we dismiss that so easily? Because it's just that, it's easy. Right. It doesn't require us to mature and recognize that yes, we are as individuals and as men and women, we are wired differently. Um, I may be more emotional than you, and we're both women. Right. I don't know that we haven't had that conversation, but it's next podcast. Who's the most emotional woman? Um well that's I might win.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

We don't know, you might win.

SPEAKER_01 5:53

We don't know. Saying that a guy is a man isn't wired for emotion, or that you know, she, a woman, is just too emotional, can't be an excuse because God wires us for something with a propensity toward something, and we don't get to just take a pass when our own personal awareness and growth becomes difficult. Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 6:33

I feel that their emotions, some people are I think everybody has them. Yes, that's the one thing. Every across the board, everybody has emotions, everybody displays it in different areas, parameters, bandwidths, intensities, all of that. I think it has to do with how vulnerable we feel and at what extreme to display. And again, I still think it comes back to if you're reactionary or if you're and how you respond to it.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

Tell me more.

SPEAKER_00 7:15

For instance, yes, I have one beautiful, wonderful child. Again, I have six, they're older, they're grown, and it's wonderful. They're all they're all in a successful season of their life. Thank you, God, for watching over them that way. Thank you, thank you. There is one of these wonderful beings that is so emotionally aware that this child responds emotionally to everything, every circumstance, every conversation. It is she her reaction to things has an impulsive response. So that this is the problem.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

Right.

SPEAKER_00 8:08

This is the problem, and she's aware of it. Oh, I said she. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 8:13

Do you want to go back and redo that?

unknown 8:14

Oh no, okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:17

No, because I believe that she would say it was okay. Okay. Headed that, but no, okay, keep going. Is that it is hindering her from sometimes making choices because she instinctively has these bursts of emotion from things that are happening, a circumstance, a situation. And it the other thing is, is she can never lie because she shows her emotions right away in that topic. She's her vulnerability is right surface level. And you know what? We love that about her. Yes. We all of us love that about her because that's her authentic self. Yes. Emotional awareness also has to do with allowing yourself and giving yourself permission to mature. It does.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

Always that mature, oh, self-awareness and maturity, self-awareness and maturity. Because the reality is that God created them, male and female. In his image, God created them. We each, man, woman, and individuals across the board are imbued with every single aspect of who God is. We as individuals get different doses of each of those characters, but we've all got them as part of us. Right. I don't get a monopoly as a woman on being emotional, and Mac doesn't get a monopoly as a man on being logical. Mr. Spock is Mr. Spock, but ultimately we see over time in Star Trek Trekkies out there that Mr. Spock does have feelings. It's just that perhaps it's a male version of it or a female version of it, or again, an individual version of it. That spiritual and emotional maturity is what liturgical practitioners call spiritual formation. Because we are being formed to be like God, to be like Christ. In the image of Christ. Yes. Right. And not just physically. No, not actually more spiritually than physically, I think, right? And so, how can the strength of logic and reason walk alongside in equal emotional depth? Because truly, if we're walking in the spirit of God, they live side by side in perfect union. Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:15

Yeah. So, how do we walk that out? I think my very first thought on that, Jackie, would be the only way you're ever gonna truly be emotionally aware, and God gave us emotions so that we could feel. Right. Right? So we could feel, and based on those feelings, but have that lead us in the ways that are true and right and noble and trustworthy and praiseworthy, and yes, right? But we have to notice what we're feeling when we see, if we say, okay, we as humans are here on this earth, this is just my take. If we walked around void of any feeling, like we're just like AI robots, right? Yeah, like we would just be walking around. Would we actually ever have feelings of needing something greater than ourself? No, you know, like I look at again going back to like being younger, yes, and we have these little children that need our care. Yes, if we were void of every emotion, we may not even want to nourish or nurture that child because it's not tapping into our emotions. I don't know. I look at and then I look at how those emotions lead us into our maturity and our wisdom to grow and need God, yes, and then ultimately we're responding to God's greatness in our lives, and that response is gonna be an emotional response. Like we need God and we love Him and we're grateful. All of those emotions come into play.

SPEAKER_01 13:11

They do, they really, they really truly do, and I think that's one of the challenges in a culture that I know like our parents' generation, you know, boys don't cry, and all of the narrative that came along with that, um, it's the leader, provider, protector male role has feelings that inspire him to lead his family or lead a people to protect his family or protect a people.

SPEAKER_00 13:52

So even though it may not look emotional, yes, it's still felt and executed.

SPEAKER_01 13:59

Yes. Okay, it's a different iteration of the same core experience. And I think you're right in that you could have an incredibly emotional female who has zero ability to regulate her emotions. Right. That is just as ineffective as a male who has very little awareness of his emotions but regulates what he does know well.

SPEAKER_00 14:29

And it doesn't mean that the emotion itself has to speak in that circumstance.

SPEAKER_01 14:34

It does not.

SPEAKER_00 14:36

Especially when I think about males. Right. Like they many times they don't share. Many times. Correct. They're sh their sharing the emotion is actually in the delivery of what they're doing. Absolutely. And so And plus you having three boys. Oh good golly. And me having four boys, we are literally speaking from experience here. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

It is um the old idiom that just is not old and it stays true is actions speak louder than words, and actions based in emotion, love, there's that basis again. It it doesn't in the Bible say don't feel, but don't make impulsive choices based on feelings alone.

SPEAKER_00 15:32

And feelings are okay. I always told all of my children, it's okay to feel the way you feel. Don't ever feel bad about how you feel. Be true to yourself, be your authentic self.

SPEAKER_01 15:44

Yes. But you don't get to be unhinged because you're in your feelings. That's right. That's the growth.

SPEAKER_00 15:50

And you're still responsible for that.

SPEAKER_01 15:52

Yes. Because spiritual awareness and emotional awareness requires the maturity to both recognize the feeling and name it and respond well. Yes. It's a great, great dear friend of ours and mentor uh looked at me one time and uh said, you know, Jackie, not every thought needs a word. And he was right, because as a very emotionally forward woman, I got a lot of thoughts and a lot of feelings, and they want somewhere to go.

unknown 16:31

Right.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

They need a place to go. They need a place to go. That place may be God. That place may just be prayer. Yeah, it may be my husband, it may be a dear and trusted friend. But it may just be God. Look at the psalmist, look at David on his knees crying out to God, hiding in a cave. Sometimes thoughts don't need words. That's emotional maturity that leads us into spiritual maturity. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

And I think the growing into maturity of allowing yourself to feel, and like you said before, you're still responsible for that. You're still responsible about how you respond to those. But I always say, okay, God, how do you want me to respond in this issue? Especially when it's something that is a volatile moment, maybe. Like I may not agree with my husband, and how I emotionally want to respond is not going to be appropriate in the sight of God. Because He's not perfect, but neither am I. But I say, okay, God, how do you how would you choose for me to respond to this? We need to learn, and I still do, which is going back into that spiritual maturity of looking like, okay, God, how would you want me to respond in this situation?

SPEAKER_02 18:04

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 18:05

And steady that. And just just steady it and grow from it and learn wisdom from it, and come into what you said before, the image of God, of Jesus. Right. It's like, what would Jesus do but better? If we could.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

It's truly, it's life, and I don't think we I don't think we call it out well currently in history, is that we have holy purpose. And so if you know that you have a holy purpose to and in your life, then there is the opportunity time and again every day. Every day to step up in that growth of purpose. And if a man were just to say, you know, like, I'm just not emotional. Well, maybe it's that he's never had the opportunity to practice being a vulnerable. And if I as a woman go, just wired this way. This is just how God made me, in all of my feelings. Maybe the hidden message is I've never learned to practice restraint. Self-control. Oh. Deep water. There it is. Okay. Y'all, this is what it is.

SPEAKER_00 19:37

What is in that? What is control? Self-control comes from Galatians, Fruits of the Spirit. Gosh darn it. I know. It's nine of those. We've talked about it in previous podcasts. Yes. But it's okay because we're talking about real life.

SPEAKER_01 19:55

We are.

SPEAKER_00 19:56

We're talking about real life and wanting to not just minister in a podcast. Right. But literally let our words and this topic play a significant role about what we do from here. Right? When we talk about the fruits of the spirit. Yes. Do you know them? Do you know them by heart?

SPEAKER_01 20:22

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control.

SPEAKER_00 20:25

Faithfulness. Faithfulness. Did you say gentleness? No, gentleness. Okay, so we got it. Together we got it. Yeah. And when we tie up emotions, it is not drama.

unknown 20:37

No.

SPEAKER_00 20:38

It doesn't have to be, no. Right. It is something that is when we're aware of what they are, we go, okay, what do we do with them?

SPEAKER_02 20:49

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 20:49

Does it line up? Does it line up with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness? Does it line up with self-control? I work on that every day in heavy traffic in in South Florida. Every single day. I don't even care if I'm going for a coffee or the grocery. I need to be very emotionally aware of how I handle that. You know?

SPEAKER_01 21:18

Because if we ask God for patience, pray for patience. Pray for which ultimately patience is part of that self-control field of experience, right? Right. Because if you have self-control, then you can be patient. Right. Um, if you ask for that, God's gonna give you so many opportunities to learn it, and traffic for certain is a really, really, really good one. So I I feel so often that our conversations in the deep water come back to the revelation of who God is in our lives and every opportunity that we We have to step into who we are in Christ. And grace exists in a space of self-control. Mercy exists within the realm of self-control.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

Right. And wouldn't we want if it's something that we are given as gifts? Yes. To have that mercy, to have that grace, to help to have that control. We're like getting all the badges and we can put them on our vests. Yes. We've got that. We need to reflect that we actually have it. That we're actually kind of been stamped on, or this our badges just because they're on our vest, that means that maybe they should be tattooed on our hearts and how we use our emotions to display the greatness of God.

SPEAKER_01 22:55

I just it's such accountability. It's too much. It's too much. It's the once you've seen it, you can't unsee it experience. Once you know it, you can't not know it. And that requires self-awareness and accountability. And it may just be accountability to you and you and God. But if we have the ability to choose and we know the right choice, then that's a whole heck of a lot of opportunity to step into the good thing.

SPEAKER_00 23:43

And greater assignments. Because he can trust us.

SPEAKER_01 23:49

Right? It's just, it's this open door, it's this funnel that I feel that we just went, oh, here we go. Bigger, better, more. I think we're gonna have to talk about this some more. I think so too.

SPEAKER_00 24:06

Because emotions are drivers.

SPEAKER_01 24:09

They are.

SPEAKER_00 24:10

And again, we can we can make a choice.

SPEAKER_01 24:16

We can make we can make it, we can make a choice. Absolutely, we can make a choice. And how we respond to it. Do we excuse emotional immaturity as just hardwiring? Or are we inviting growth as discipleship?

SPEAKER_00 24:35

Well, I think that's something that we can reflect on and then talk about it for the next podcast.

SPEAKER_01 24:41

Deal. Y'all, cliffhanger. Until next time.

SPEAKER_00 24:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:46

Okay, hey, good seeing you again. Good to see you too. I guess we say bye for now.

unknown 24:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 24:52

Bye.