Episode 6: Navigating Co‑Parenting Challenges With Older vs. Younger Kids — and the Realities of Stepparenting

Co‑parenting isn’t one‑size‑fits‑all, especially when you’re juggling different ages, personalities, and blended family dynamics. In this episode, we break down how co‑parenting challenges can look wildly different with older kids versus younger ones, from communication and boundaries to loyalty conflicts and independence. We also get real about stepparenting: the expectations, the emotional labor, and the things no one warns you about. Whether you’re new to blending families or deep in the thick of it, this conversation is honest, relatable, and full of perspective for navigating it all with empathy and intention.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome to the Copernic Talk and Talking, and I'm Janet.

SPEAKER_01 0:04

And let's have a lot of time that we do that about the time of our data copyright.

SPEAKER_02 0:12

For that, for that lawyer hearts, I'll leave her to the Download R and Right. And other maintenance would act for life to our hands or partnership and particular tools and crafty.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

Whether you're new to operated, learning the co-parenting or supporting someone who has, it's basically.

SPEAKER_02 0:56

Because co-parenting isn't about being perfect. It's about being intentional and choosing your kids even on the hard days. Thanks for being here. The second that nobody asked for. Welcome back. As you can see, we're not in the studio or in the hospital.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

We weren't feeling it today, you know, Sunday.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

We're just tired. Like honestly, like props to people who podcast. Like this is a full-time job.

SPEAKER_01 1:28

I need this type of just content creating and posting and keeping up with the Joneses, responding to Yeah, but I think I think the content, like keeping up with that is like hard.

SPEAKER_02 1:41

Like there definitely is an algorithm. And if you want your views to stay up and you want to stay relevant, like it you really do have to like it's a full-time job.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

Yes, really.

SPEAKER_02 1:50

And we're also already working full-time jobs.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

Like there's no way we could do this, like just one of us.

SPEAKER_02 1:55

No. No. I'm so happy that we have each other and that we can hold each other accountable, but also just like on top of raising children. You're pregnant, so you're just naturally exhausted. Like you're literally growing another human.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

Just naturally walking around with migraines all day.

SPEAKER_02 2:11

Yeah, give us a little give us a little pregnancy update before we kick off. How how big is the baby right now? What is the size? What kind of fruit is they is they?

SPEAKER_01 2:20

Let's see. A mango. A mango. A mango. So this is like two days behind what the doctor told me that I am. Okay. So in a couple days, the baby will be a sweet potato. Oh, a little sweet potato. Tomorrow, I'm officially 20 weeks. Oh my gosh. Yeah. And we have our anatomy scan tomorrow morning. So I'm looking forward to getting that over with. Just hopefully everything looks good. Yeah, we're gonna just drop the girls off at school and head straight out there because it's at 8.15.

SPEAKER_02 2:54

So what is that called when like your partner like gains like sympathy weight with like a s yeah, like sympathy? It's like sympathy weight, right? I feel like that's how I am, except I'm not your partner. Like I'm just like also like tired, and I will also enjoy the cravings that you have. Because what did you say? Hot dogs were craving right now for you.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

Yeah, it's just I love a Hebrew national.

unknown 3:15

I love a Hebrew national.

SPEAKER_01 3:17

Pregnant or not, but like just being pregnant has just like really I've just been craving them. And they just taste so much better than they normally do, even though they already taste amazing.

SPEAKER_02 3:28

Right. Oh man. Well, today's co-parenting episode is about how co-parenting looks at different ages, and being a step parent means entering a story that's kind of already in progress, and how respect and consistency and boundaries create stability no matter the child's stage of life. So Vinny was seven when I met him, and so I think that, you know, like he had already established habits, good or bad, you know, or maybe not bad, but different from what my children had experienced. And so, or he had grown up in different environments. He had also grown up in a house that, you know, my husband and my mother-in-law and his siblings, so his aunts, Vinny's aunts and uncles, they had all lived together in a home prior to me meeting my husband. So like he had a very different dynamic of growing up versus what my children had, and so that was that was different. I mean, and how how old were the girls when you met them?

SPEAKER_01 4:25

They were so they were freshly three and four. So Cora's birthday's beginning of July, and I started dating Andy, like end of July. Like they had both just had birthdays because Ava's a May baby as well. So they were both pretty young. I mean, Cora was still like in diapers at night, like pull-ups, you know? It was like she was so cute when she was little cute.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

Just like that messy hair all over her face. Like a little tiny voyage. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:56

It's a little, yeah, a little wild child, a little feral baby. I mean, she's still a wild child, let's be honest, but now she's a wild seven and a half year old.

SPEAKER_02 5:06

So today we're gonna be breaking down how co-parenting challenges shift depending on the different ages, the pros and cons for biological parents, and the realities of stepping into a family as a step parent. Younger kids and older kids bring two very different sets of challenges.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

And so we're gonna talk about that. I feel like we've gotten a lot of like comments, DMs about, you know, kids at different stages in lives and coming into that coming into that step-parenting dynamic. Right. Um I think that I think that it's important to note that like the reason the reason why there are differences here is because kids' needs change dramatically from year to year and as they grow older, right? So like when you're co-parenting, you kind of have to adapt to emotional development, schedules, identity formation, and then also loyalty that parents feel or that children feel towards their biological parents versus step parents. And I feel like it's kind of like a myth where they're like, oh, they're older kids and they they understand more, so it's definitely easier just because they're older. Whereas like I feel like the truth is, and obviously this isn't gonna be true in every scenario, everybody's situation, but like I feel like the truth in most situations is that their understanding and them being a little bit older can make things even more difficult for the step parent. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:32

And like I'm grateful that we both came into being like step parents where like the kids were like under 10. Yeah, I you know, I think especially like I mean, so like my stepmom, for example, came into step-parenting me and my stepdad for that matter, between the ages of like 12 to 14. And so not only was I like an awful teenager, but you know, my hormones are raging, and you know, the step, the age difference between my stepmom and I isn't that great. Like it's not it's not that far away. And so I think that that definitely probably was a challenge for her to parent me because it's like, listen, I'm not your friend. I'm here as a parent, I'm here to set boundaries. I'm also raising two small children, even though you're a teenager, and so like, you know, like it I think it just it changes the dynamic for sure.

SPEAKER_01 7:19

Yeah, I think like what we'll do is we'll kind of talk about like some pros and cons and then some real challenges with like younger kids, and then we'll do the same with like, you know, bigger kids and then teenagers. Like we know that there's also people who probably end up step-parenting people who are like actual adults, but I don't I don't know if we'll really touch on that. But I think the the pros or the benefits of like stepping into this parenting with kids that are younger is that they're generally more flexible and adaptable. Having a routine is good for young kids. It gives them security and makes them feel s more stable, right? So it's easy to kind of set a routine, whereas I feel like with teenagers it's kinda more difficult. Like or they're a little bit more rebellious than that. And then being I think that when they're younger, they're more open to bonding with a step parent, right? Because they don't really understand the different dynamics that go on between the adults.

SPEAKER_02 8:23

Whereas, you know, a teenager would be like, you're not my mom, or but I think that can be challenging on the other specs because even though that child might be more open to bonding with the step parent, that other co-parent might be not ready or in a space to where they're let it ready to let that step parent in. So I feel like in a lot of times, like even though the kid might feel comfortable calling in that child or that parent mom or dad, yeah. You know, maybe then the other parent is like, no, that's not your mom, or that's not your dad, or they're offended or by that relationship and that bond. And so I think that like that can be a struggle.

SPEAKER_01 8:59

Yes, definitely. I agree. So some of the cons with co-parenting younger kids transitions can be emotional. So when they're swapping between the different houses.

SPEAKER_02 9:12

My gosh, there were so many times. And it's hard to not get in your feels about it either. Like, I was like, it's like I know that like I love my children and I provide them a good, fun, safe environment. But like I remember like sometimes they'd be like, I just want to be with daddy, I just want to be, you know. I think that can be hard as co-parenting at a younger age, or when you try to set boundaries in your own home, and then that kid is like, Well, I just want to go live with dad, or I just want to be with daddy, you know, and so like that was always hard for me because it's like I need to not internalize that, you know.

SPEAKER_01 9:38

Yeah, and just know that that's just they just miss that parent in the moment. And you know, I mean, there have been plenty of times where the girls have been here, it's been our night, and they just want to FaceTime you, and then Andy will bring one or both of them over, like Cora will want Cora will want her mommy, and you know, it's not there's no reason or nothing's happened, it's not like anything has upset her, she'll just miss her mommy, and you know, Chelsea will be at home and she'll be like, Oh, you can come over here, and so Andy will bring her over there, you know.

SPEAKER_02 10:11

But I think it's great that we have that relationship to where like that one because I feel like a lot of people would be like, No, it's my day. Yeah, you're not going over there, that's my day, where I'm just like, you know, and vice versa. Like, if you guys literally have nothing going on and they want to be with you and you're okay with it, I'm never going to be like, No, you can't go to your dad's house, it's my day. Yeah, like that's just so strange to me. Like, I'm not jealous of the fact that my children want to be with other people who love them. Yeah. Like, and I think that when if you are to be that person where you're like, oh no, it's like, you know, why do you always want to be with them? Or why why do you always want to be at that person's house? It's like maybe you should reflect inward and look at like maybe you should work on yourself because why does that make you uncomfortable? Why does that make you jealous?

SPEAKER_01 10:52

Definitely, yeah. I mean, especially, especially when they're another parent. Like it's another parent, right? It's not like I don't know, it's just to me, to me, it doesn't make sense. And this goes back to pretty much the reason why we started this, right? Is just there are so many people out there who have a lot of healing to do. And yeah, or also offensive.

SPEAKER_02 11:14

It's if we say something that you're like, well, that's offensive, like because I do that. Well, maybe that's a reality check then. Maybe something that we're saying that hits, you know, is is triggering to you, or then maybe that's something that you should reflect inward on. And no, what what's our hashtag? Go to therapy. Hashtag go to therapy. Hashtag go to therapy.

SPEAKER_00 11:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:33

I mean, I think that like if you like so I feel like a good topic for younger children is you know, how they respond to blended family dynamics, and to which I could easily respond. If you don't make it weird, that child is going to thrive and they're not going to think that it's not normal.

SPEAKER_01 11:51

Because they're not going to know anything, you know, different. Like maybe they will have at one point, right? Before the separation. Yeah. But when they're two, three years old, like their memory is not going to be, oh, I remember when my parents separated, and then we got this whole new, you know what I mean? Like, it's not going to be like a negative thing for them.

SPEAKER_02 12:13

Well, let's let's use Vinny as an example. So not only is Vinny not biologically mine, he's not even close to being biologically Jenna's. But if we take a blended family vacation with our two families, Vinny is a part of that, obviously. And so, like, Vinny, because he was seven and has pretty much never known a life with us, at least with me, outside of without Andy or Jenna, as an extension of our family, it's not weird to him.

SPEAKER_01 12:42

So not only is he has no issues asking me or Andy for anything. Yeah. Like Vinny's a shy kid, just generally. And he always is like, hey, can we do this? Or hey, can I do that? Or hey, can I have this?

SPEAKER_02 12:56

Like he has no issues asking his first job as a teenager. Andy was his boss. Like he was he was a bar back at the restaurant that Andy worked at. And so I just, you know, I don't like it. It's we have created and fostered an environment to where, like, even that's a separate co-parenting relationship outside of Jenna and our like my relationship, and he still feels comfortable in that dynamic because we've just chosen to not make it weird. So I think that if you Yeah, that's a good example. Yeah. Um, I think another topic is how to create stability across both homes. Um, and I think that can be a struggle. You know, Ava and Cora will call, you know, they'll FaceTime me at 10 p.m. when they're at daddy's house and something, you know, but it's then like to me, like they would have been in bed two hours ago if it was at my house. You know what I mean? But like that's what works for you guys. You guys are on different sleeping schedules. River's on a different sleeping schedule. I think that you guys do dinner later than we do, you know, and so it's like I think that like as long as we have like communicated like our main boundaries as like like bedtimes, I don't I could care less. Bath times, as long as they're bathed and fed, I don't care. You know, I think that like we are on the same page as far as stability with like what our like how we want to parent them, yeah, what they're watching, what they're exposed to, keeping them safe, you know. I think that all of the main themes, the things that actually are gonna be part of core development, we're on the same page for. Yes, definitely. And so I think that with boys at an older age now, like it's also very cool. It's sad to parent teenagers. I'll start with that, because I just feel like, you know, like there's like a countdown of their childhood, right? And so like that's been a really hard parenting transition for me. But also um I just I think it's it's really cool to start having these like mature conversations with them. They have opinions on politics in the world, and you know, we're like having adult conversations about, you know, their bodies and consent. And you know, like, you know, our oldest is gonna be in driver's ed this coming year. Like, and so it's just it is cool to have these more mature conversations, but I also think that especially if they're in a toxic co-parenting relationship on the other side of things outside of your home, you kind of I still don't ever recommend speaking ill of another parent because what's going to happen is that you like you're I mean we've talked about this before in previous episodes, but you're speaking ill about someone who is supposed to love them and that's only gonna end up biting you in the ass. What's going to happen is that you are just supportive of them and their needs. And then when they grow up, if you are enough of a strong support system and you are like a foundation for them, they're going to grow up and they're going to realize that the manipulation that or the jealousy or the things that happened that weren't the most positive parenting.

SPEAKER_01 15:53

And they're going to be like, Oh, why did you talk about my, you know, parent like that, my mom like that. Why were you saying those things that messed up?

SPEAKER_02 16:00

And they're going to wake up and be like or become parents themselves, like I did, and they're going to be like, hey, that wasn't okay that you did that. Like that was actually really messed up that you did that. And so now I'm not going to do that to my children. I'm going to break the cycle. So I think that, but it there is like with teenagers, you can kind of have these much more mature conversations. And, you know, for example, our youngest son, um, you know, I've never spoken ill of his father, his biological father. He doesn't necessarily support him in the ways that he should, financially or just even like physically. Like, he's not just pr he's not as present as he should be. There was finally, like, Jude was at we were at Walgreens and he threw a fit that I wouldn't buy him Pokemon cards. And he, you know, he said, Well, you know, my my dad buys me Pokemon cards every time that I'm with him. And I kindly said, I said, right, but your dad doesn't have to pay for doctor's visits or lunch money or school tuition or field trips or clothing or saxophone lessons. Football. And I said, and don't get me wrong, those are all things that I love to do for you because you're because I'm your parent and I'm supposed to do those things, and because I love that, but that doesn't mean that you're always going to get Pokemon cards whenever we go to a store because I have to take care of all of those other things that you do. And that was probably the first time in his entire life where I didn't like snap back per se, but I just had a real conversation with him. That's like, you know, like, yeah, instead of buying you Pokemon cards, I paid for your sex phone lessons. Like that's where that money goes. And we don't, we're not rich. Like you had you talked about socioeconomic like levels as us being the same. Like we are very much paycheck to paycheck, you know.

SPEAKER_01 17:34

And so I think that's you know, sorry, we're off on that rant, but like we have a lot of kids and a lot of things to pay for. It's a challenge for sure. And I and that and that's a thing too, with kids when they're that age, they know more about money too, right? Right. Whereas kids that are seven, eight are like, Well, I want this now, and they just don't understand. Like, you can talk to them until you're blue in the face about all things cost money, and that's fine. Like, you want to teach them about money, set that foundation, right? At that age, that's fine. But you know, when they're 13, they have a better understanding, right? And they can see like how hard you work, like, oh, mom's at work still, like you know, we she works, you can work seven days a week if you have hair appointments, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, I typically do. You're constantly working and just doing stuff so that you can support your family. So, like and when they're a little bit older, they can actually see and understand that. Like, not just oh, mom's at work, you know, as a seven-year-old, whereas they kind of like lay that guilt on like you're going to work again.

SPEAKER_02 18:40

Like, and that feels awful. So, yeah, you're right. When they get older, they can kind of understand that.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

Yeah. I mean, I feel like what do you think some cons are for older kids? I think like we've kind of touched on it, right? So it'll be like those like a strong loyalty bond to their other parent, right? Like their biological parent, or just their just their other parent generally, they might feel the same about their step parent and their dad, you know, like they just might not like going to their dad's house generally, versus like, you know, they want to be at their mom's. It could be like that, or you know, with a step parent, it could be an issue with loyalty. So, like, but I feel like those bonds are usually like if it's that strong, I feel like it's probably because a lot of the times you have that parent in that kid's ear manipulating them or making them feel guilty. And it's not all the time, maybe that's not the case all the time, because some kids can be just moodier than others, they're just you know more emotional and just feel sad generally, and it's totally okay for them to be sad that their parents are separated and for them to be angry about that.

SPEAKER_02 19:47

Or as kids get older, I think that, like, for example, like I think that like for boys, they might want to be around a male role model as they get older and their bodies are changing. And same thing for girls, like they might want to be around their mom more. Or if you were anything like me as a teenager, you would want to be way far away from your mother. I wanted to hang out with my dad more, you know. And if I wasn't my mom, I would actually probably hang out with my stepdad more because I just like you know, we didn't get along, especially as I got older. I think um it's also easier for the bio parent to influence or weaponize. And that's like I mean, we see this a lot in our comments, and it's very much like ego, ego, ego, me, me, me, me, me, my feelings versus what's best for the kids. And I think that, you know, even though they're older, it's very easy to manipulate young adults into having certain opinions about things or yeah, and they do that as well, like through telling them oversharing.

SPEAKER_01 20:44

Oversharing they're not your friends of the divorce, of what your father did to me, or what your mother has done to me, and you know making them making them feel like they need to be loyal to that to that parent because so sex and toxic. Yeah, and it's just not fair, right? Because because if you have all at the end of the day, and we've we've talked about this in probably every single episode, as long as that parent wants to be in their child's life, they're they're present, they're committed to being a good parent, it's not about you, right? Right? It's about them. So, you know, it's just I think that's definitely a challenge when kids are, you know, preteens to teenagers, where parents are just sharing way too much information.

SPEAKER_02 21:36

I think that, you know, with y with older kids too, they are more aware of conflict and what's going on. I think when they're little, you can kind of like argue. I mean, to an extent. I don't think obviously it's not healthy for small children to grow up in a super toxic environment where there's just constant yelling and arguing, and you know, like that's not you know, but I think that, you know, younger kids are a little oblivious. To like maybe the topics that the arguments are about, whereas you know, older teenagers are, you know, they're obviously aware they can hear things. Yes. And then, you know, so if there are things like how we talked about last epis last episode about infidelity, like if those are themes that are going on, and then your older teenagers can, you know, overhear arguments and understand that that's what's happening, well then now they're looking at that other parent as, you know, maybe a bad person for something that they did when in reality they could be a great parent. They just did a bad thing to that spouse, you know, and I think that we just need to be more cognizant cognitive? Cognizant. Cognizant. Cognizant of of yeah, of just like what they're hearing, because they definitely are listening.

SPEAKER_01 22:39

I mean, and kids of all age, right, can pick up on energy. That's that's a very normal and well-known thing that like they can, even from a young age, they can pick up on that energy. But of course, when they're older, the older that they are, they're gonna be more in tune to what's going on. So even if you're not actively arguing, like if they've if you guys aren't speaking or you're slamming doors, or you know, just angrily doing things around the house and avoiding each other, kids are gonna teenagers are definitely gonna pick up on that.

SPEAKER_02 23:12

I think that as long as you are modeling respect in your household and respect towards your other co-parents, then like teenagers will model that behavior. And so, like, as long as you are creating those good core relationships, then like that will I mean how we had talked about earlier, just like our respect for each other's co-parents, our kids don't think it they don't think it's weird because we don't make it weird. Oh, and so I think that it can be the same thing with respect. Like, if you are modeling respect towards your other co-parents, then that's going to then they're going to also do the same thing. My kids know that Jenna is their mother figure. She's like even like I'm saying, not even just like so the girls, like Jenna's their second mom, like that's their mom. But to my children, like when we're on a family vacation, like my boys who have no affiliation biologically with Jenna, or even as a step parent relationship, they know that that like this you're on vacation, this is a mother figure. Like, if she tells you to do something, like you're doing it, like that's just respect, and so that's across the board. And then now in return, my girls are seeing that as well. That I demand that respect for Jenna as a parent and as a mother across the board.

SPEAKER_01 24:16

So the emotional reality of coming in as a step parent. So you kind of touched on this in the opening. Ultimately, you're joining a family that's already in motion, so you may not get the grace that a lot of biological parents get, which I think is a very big it could be like probably a whole episode on that. Because we've gotten so much, like so many things from stepmoms and a couple things from stepdads too, but like mostly stepmoms. Just talking about how horribly they're treated by the biological mom and you know, just years and years of this too. Not just like we just this is fresh, right? It's like, oh well, this has been going on for 10 years, and the biological mom still hates me. And yeah, we don't have to get it.

SPEAKER_02 25:00

We don't have to deal with that. Like, I just when we when we read these comments, I just feel for all of these people like not only as a bio mom do I treat you that way, but like as a stepmom, I am not treated by my stepson's bio mom that way. Like there has never been a situation like that where she has been like awful to me or mean to me or unkind to me, or you know, like it's it's it's just never happened. I mean, we've talked about this before, like I'm not as close to her as I am to Jana, but we have a completely normal and healthy co-parenting relationship. Yep. You know, we're just you know, we're not we're like not laying on her couch, bundled up with the blanket making a podcast, but we have a very healthy relationship and she's never been unkind. If anything, she's been extremely kind to me and to my children. Like, so I just you know I don't know. What are you gonna do? You know?

SPEAKER_00 25:51

So tired. Me too.

SPEAKER_02 25:52

And I think you know, you had touched on it, you know, but that you have to you have to earn trust slowly, right?

SPEAKER_01 25:58

Like Yeah, yeah, it it can't be forced. No. As much as as much as you want to have that relationship, it's you know, not gonna happen overnight a lot of times, right? Especially when kids are older. Um, and you just gotta let that build slowly, consistently, and just hope that the outcome is lots of love and mutual respect and that your stepkids love you just like they love their own parents, right?

SPEAKER_02 26:28

I think that some you know real challenges that you can face though, and knowing going into it, is that and I never really necessarily felt this, I never felt this with my stepson's mother, but I definitely felt this, I'll say, with like my husband's family, because they all lived together when I came into the picture, and they all had such a big hand in like raising Vinny that I do definitely feel like like that feeling of like invisibility at first. Like my opinion doesn't really matter, and I think that that has changed over the years. I don't feel that way anymore. But definitely in the beginning, because I parented and I raised my children so differently than my husband and my mother-in-law raised the you know their family. You know, I definitely did feel like some of that, like some of those feelings, or like walking on eggshells. Um, I never really felt like I wasn't allowed to discipline. That was always that's always been like across the board, like this is a person of respect, and same thing for my husband.

SPEAKER_01 27:23

It's like a thing for adults, yeah. It's like it doesn't matter whether your parents, step parent, you know, a friend. If my friends come over here and my kids are being disrespectful, I'm like, and my friends have to say something to them, like I would expect them to. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 27:37

Well, and I when I say discipline, like I mean, yeah, not like not laying your hands on my children.

SPEAKER_01 27:43

My children. Right. But they can reprimand. Reprimand is probably like you know, say, hey, don't talk to your mom like that, or don't do that, or hey, your mom said not to do that. Why are you doing it? You know, sure. Whatever. Just like the standard things, right? Because we want our children to be respectful and listen to adults.

SPEAKER_02 28:03

I think the other challenges that people face are probably being excluded from decisions. I try to be very because sometimes I do it without even thinking it. Like sometimes I just make decisions because we have such like a great relationship that and then I kind of look back and I'm like, oh shit, I probably should have like double checked. Like I should have like ran that past. You know what I mean? Like Yeah, but then you usually do.

SPEAKER_01 28:25

Like it's not always like it's end all be all, like, oh my god, this is like right. You know, we can't ever change anything, and it's never been an issue.

SPEAKER_02 28:32

No, I just think that some people probably do face that, like being excluded from like big decisions, like because you're a co-parent or a step parent, like you just well, it doesn't matter, you know what I mean? And that that probably like that that would definitely get to me. Um especially when you're trying to raise your biological children just the same way as the children who have been introduced into your family, like, and then you're not being included on big decisions, it's hard because you're trying to raise them the same way.

SPEAKER_01 28:54

If your partner is like anything like Andy, like I can't imagine if Chelsea and I didn't have a relationship and I had to like just figure out life with just Andy telling, you know, Chelsea telling things to Andy and just hoping that he fills me in. I mean, not just because a man. No, I'm just saying, like, seriously, you know how many times I have to tell my husband?

SPEAKER_02 29:14

I mean, first of all, I just like I was gone for like 12 hours today. Like, he didn't even like didn't check in. Like, I'm like, what do you think I'm doing? Like, none of your children are home. Where do you think they are? Like, what what life life must just be bliss for men? I swear.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

So nice to just be oblivious. But yeah, I mean, that would be horrible. Like, like it wouldn't even just be like being excluded from decisions, but also just planning. Like it would be a really big challenge for me to not know what's going on and then just have like little bombs dropped on me throughout the week or throughout the month or even the day. Like, hey, hello, you couldn't have communicated this with me. Like, obviously, I don't care that whatever it is is occurring, but I care that I wasn't able to plan ahead. Right. You know, like I just I want to be able to know what's going on. And it's not always gonna be perfect, right? Like there have been times where plans change last minute, and like it's it's like there's a miscommunication and it's fine, like whatever will work it out. But like for the most part, like if Chelsea and I didn't communicate, like Yeah. And that'll be the thing too. Like, if her and Andy do communicate about something, then and Andy doesn't fill me in, and Chelsea and I didn't have a chance to touch base, Andy will be like, Oh, I just assumed you already knew, you know, and I'll just be like, like, I don't care. It's like, oh, I just thought you talked to Chelsea or something, you know. So then he already makes the assumption. It must be so nice. He's so lucky that we get along so well that he doesn't have to communicate anything.

SPEAKER_02 30:39

Oh um, I think that I also would like to just say that to the stepparents who love children that do not love them back yet, we know that that hurts. And we we're sorry, and that I just, you know, I feel like it will take time and you're doing the right thing, and it that is hard. I don't I can't say that I personally went through that, but I can definitely say that I'm sure my my stepmom did because, like I said, she came into my life as a teenager. I don't just yeah, just I wasn't a good teenager. Like I just had a lot of like emotional stuff, and I was very confused, and you know, I think it was very hard to parent me in general as a teenager, but I will say that like it took me up until I became a parent, and especially becoming a stepparent, to have the amount of respect that I do for my stepmom and how patient she was and how kind she was to me and how much she loved me even when I was being awful. I gave her every reason.

SPEAKER_01 31:36

Like all good parents do. Yes, right. Right, right.

SPEAKER_02 31:39

But it's like, you know, when you're a step parent, it's like you're loving a child that you don't have to technically.

SPEAKER_01 31:46

You're choosing to, and yeah, it's a challenge for sure. Like it's really it's just it takes an emotional toll. Like, even you can tell yourself a hundred times it's just gonna take time, and oh, if I do this or maybe if I do that, you know, and it and oh I don't mind, oh I don't mind, but it it does, like we do mind, right? Like we all say we don't care about these things about many things, right? That we actually do care about and it gets to you, especially over a period of time.

SPEAKER_02 32:13

So we wanna um if you're like if you're thinking that things are a little sketchy with bioparents, like we just kind of want to go through some like just red flags to look out for. Like if you're like unsure that your child is kind of being weaponized by their bioparents, like so. I feel like emotional manipulation is it happens a lot, and it's it's especially with older generations. I think a lot of like us as millennials were definitely emotionally manipulated. But so I like emotional manipulation can look like just subtle comments, it can look like rewriting history, like to where their the story is being changed, even though that things didn't happen. It can look like guilt tripping for loyalty, so you know, like what would you say and a good example would be for that?

SPEAKER_01 32:59

Oh, you're gonna go to your dad's this weekend. I thought you were gonna stay here with me. I thought you were gonna stay here with me this weekend. Yeah, why do you always want to go there? Why do you want to go to your dad's uh we could go to I thought we were gonna go see a movie and we were gonna do this, and now you're gonna go to your dad's house. There's many ways that it can Yeah. I think it can also look like different scenarios undermining the step parent.

SPEAKER_02 33:23

I think that's a big one. I think that it can also look like rewarding disrespect and it does a lot of damage.

SPEAKER_01 33:30

Yeah, it limits bonding and definitely creates a lot of confusion for everyone involved. Uh it harms the child's emotional development, especially, you know. I mean, if you're you're taking a child and you're saying these things to them that you shouldn't be 100% going to affect them. Not just in the moment, but in the future. I mean, think about all the t all the things that you remember from that stage in your life where you're like, oh, that was messed up. Why was muffed up? Why was somebody saying something like that to me? Or why am I like this, or why do I feel like this now as an adult? Because somebody was manipulating me and making me feel like it wasn't okay to be loved by my other parent. Right.

SPEAKER_02 34:18

I think that you know, okay, so that so you think that these things are happening. We gave you some red flags to look out for. So now how do you respond to the conflict? Number one, do not bash that other parent to your child. You have no business doing that. Your child is still a child up until I mean, let's realistically, their brain isn't even fully developed until what, 25, 26, 27?

SPEAKER_01 34:39

Like I just for women, I think it's 25.

SPEAKER_02 34:41

Yeah, and so and for men, I think it's 27, right? Isn't it a little bit more? Surprise me that it's like but it's just no shit. But it's like you are trying to manipulate someone whose brain isn't fully developed, and by bashing that other parent, you are just making it worse and honestly making yourself look like an idiot. But I think that you also need to set firm and calm boundaries, letting your actions truly speak louder than your words. Like, I lead by example when it comes to your children. Like, my children have never heard me utter a bad word about their other parents, even if I have felt differently at different points in my life. I also want to show the kind of human and adult that I am, because that's how they're that those are the humans and adults that they're going to become. So truly leading by example, being consistent, and do not overcompensate by trying to win them. Like, don't you can't win their love. You already have it. And if you are feeling, like I said, like we said earlier, kind of as like a warning, if you are feeling like any of this is triggering you, then maybe you should do some self-reflection. Like that's just my biggest step of advice.

SPEAKER_01 35:47

So transitioning from tension to trust is going to take a lot of time, and sometimes years. And unfortunately, sometimes some people may never get there. No. And that's not on you. No, it's not. It's not on you if assuming you are loving and giving and caring parent or step parent.

SPEAKER_02 36:06

Of sound mind and body.

SPEAKER_01 36:08

Yeah, honestly.

SPEAKER_02 36:10

Sometimes it's literally just nothing you can do about it. Like sometimes people are just crazy, and I'm sorry that you chose to marry someone that has a crazy axe, but like Yeah, sometimes it's just not going to be.

SPEAKER_01 36:20

Yeah, we're here for you, and that's why we created this space. Um, as kids grow, their perspectives shift. So what might be challenging in the teenage years, uh, they may become adults like Chelsea and end up loving you and having a wonderful uh relationship with their stepparents. And I mean, you love both of your stepparents so much. You have like a great relationship with both of them.

SPEAKER_02 36:47

Yeah, I don't even call them step parents, I just call them mom and dad. Like that's just I have four parents who love me.

SPEAKER_01 36:53

So yeah, I mean, it might not all be perfect now, but as time goes and kids get older and grow up and realize, wow, this person has never done anything except for love me, and all I've done is been an asshole. Like Anyway, you know, yeah. I mean it really it really does change as people grow. Respect respect grows from experience, not from titles. So just having more and more experiences with your uh children, your stepchildren, and being around them and trying to spend time with them when they're at your house and doing things with them, just having these different experiences and doing what you can.

SPEAKER_02 37:40

Respect grows from experience, not titles. And I think that we've talked about before that you know, it's like even though I'm raising three children as mom, I'm raising one child as Chelsea. And that's okay. I don't need to be a mom to that person. I can be a mothering figure, I can be a loving person who they can trust and respect. Um, and that's that's okay. I like I said, I don't need to, right? Yeah, I don't I don't need to I don't need to be a title of mom to know that I love that child and that child loves me and that I'm a person that they can come to if they need anything at all.

SPEAKER_01 38:15

So blended families evolve. So your relationship will too. Your relationship with your kids, your stepkids, your I mean everybody involved, right? Like our whole blended family dynamic is solid, but that doesn't mean it's not gonna evolve as time goes on and our kids get older and better evolved for the better. Yeah, for the better, but like Don't ever leave me. Well, when you think about like, what about what are our family vacations gonna look like in 10 years? Like, are the kids the kids are gonna be off at college? Are they gonna want to come on our family vacations with us? You know what I mean? Like, can we still go on vacation with your kids?

SPEAKER_02 38:49

I mean Anthony, just go with you and Andy and River, the new baby. Well, all the other ones will be in college.

SPEAKER_01 38:53

Obviously, we're gonna invite our kids, but like, you know, what if it doesn't work out with like their college schedule? You know what I mean? Like it'll it'll definitely avoid. So things will definitely look different. Like what if we're going on their spring break, they might want to go on spring break with their friends. But you're not gonna get rid of you. No, no. Or I'll find you. We're not gonna get rid of our vacations. Hell no. Again, it'll just be the four of us at some point when we're like fucking old and retired because we're gonna have kids living with us until we're 60.

SPEAKER_02 39:21

But also, like that's it's like I do know people that do that, like that have like become close with like their exes, and like they it's completely normal. They're like that, they vacation just with them. Like, I just like I said, we've I think the whole theme of this entire episode is like it's not gonna be weird unless you make it weird. You know, it doesn't, it doesn't have to be that most families aren't your typical mom, dad, never got a divorce, only have you know that our biological children. That's just not the norm anymore. And that's okay. So define what your normal is and give grace for yourself and give grace for your kids.

SPEAKER_01 39:55

Yeah, yeah. So I guess we'll get to the takeaways. You're not alone, whether you're parenting toddlers or teens, or you're stepping into an existing family. The challenges are different, but manageable with communication, boundaries, and patience. Blended families can truly thrive.

SPEAKER_02 40:14

100%. Yeah. Well, listen, we couldn't leave you without a CCJ. Joan, we salute you. Thank you. I wonder if she knows. Do you think Joan listens? I w I wish there was a way we can see who is actually tuning in. Joan, she hasn't responded to any of us or hasn't like Yeah, I feel she she hasn't made it.

SPEAKER_01 40:34

Someone tell her.

SPEAKER_02 40:35

Someone let her know. Someone let her know. We're just so grateful for you, Joan. Um, yeah, we've got some funny ones. This front one from JWGup. Dad supporting moms getting TikTok paid. Hell yeah, brother. Let's do it. Please pay us.

SPEAKER_01 40:51

Please pay us. Please. Please subscribe so that we can start making money.

SPEAKER_02 40:56

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 40:56

Because all we're doing is shoveling it out. I would have never, I don't know what that means. No one would watch you kids like you do. I would never trust a step parent alone with my kids. Too many SA cases with millions 70,000 periods after.

SPEAKER_02 41:16

I feel like I mean, like, I think that this is just so sad to me that it's like just like like it's just such a stereotype that like that step parent is gonna do something creepy or like I don't know when real parent, biological parents can be creepy.

SPEAKER_01 41:30

Yes, yes, you know, so it's just a little yeah, it's definitely just them.

SPEAKER_02 41:34

This is the positive one that I want to share just because I thought it was so funny. From mommy loves her kids always. Um, she will be known, no, she will now be known as Jackpot Jana with the clapping emoji. Jack Pajana, you are a golden coin. Golden coin, a golden star. What did I just say? A golden coin? What the deck does that even mean?

SPEAKER_01 41:58

Can I hate myself? At least you're able to speak. Yeah, I feel like paralyzed. I'm so tired.

SPEAKER_02 42:04

Oh, this one is great. This one was in reference to me, so please.

SPEAKER_01 42:07

Some people don't realize how much worse it could be. Jealousy looks bad on you, Hana. You're so jealous.

SPEAKER_02 42:13

They always post these kind of comments on the ones that are like clearly satire. Yeah. Like I'm like rage baiting people. Like, that's the point. It's for engagement. But like the people that actually take it seriously, like, I'm just much whatever.

SPEAKER_01 42:24

Yeah, and they or they don't finish the full video. Yeah. It's like a 40-second clip. Like, if you're already gonna if you're gonna commit to 20 seconds, you might as well just commit to the rest of the fucking thing.

SPEAKER_02 42:33

A hundred percent. Um, yeah, so as always, no comments about my tattoos this week, so that's great.

SPEAKER_01 42:41

I'm surprised nobody I was gonna say in that video that I posted of you cutting Andy in reverse hair. Say something about his tattoos. I fucking dare you. Oh my god, I know.

SPEAKER_02 42:50

Seriously. Seriously. And we finally have um, we're gonna wrap up the CCJ segment this week. Everyone has been kind of nice to us. God bless, God bless. Um, but we are going to talk about one uh DM from the DM trenches. Um, this person said he is 17, meaning their child. He is 17 and has lived with us 24-7 for the past six years. She, as in biological mom, she just up and moved to Florida for the eggplant emoji. Dot dot dot. An eggplant that point blank said, only you, not your son. And number one, I am so grateful that your stepson has you to be there and to love him and to support him. Shame on that person. I'm sorry, because like what's even worse to me than like a bad stepmom is a bad biological mom. That is she always saying that you're choosing a man over your child. Yes. Um, I'll never understand that. I mean, I mean, I just I don't get how you can grow something literally inside of your body. Like you've made a human inside of you.

SPEAKER_01 44:00

And then you can just choose a man who over your child who says, it's you not the kid, like I don't want your child. Why would you choose to be with somebody who doesn't want to love your child? It doesn't make any sense to me.

SPEAKER_02 44:15

That is heartbreaking, and we are so grateful that you are a stronger woman. And yeah, our heart goes out to you. So thank you for listening as always. Please like, rate, follow, share, subscribe. We appreciate it more than you know. Please, please, please DM us if you have any comments, ideas, things you want to talk about on the pod, questions for Jenna on her pregnancy. Our family, our big blended family, is growing, and we hope that as our family grows, you can grow with us. Come back next week for episode seven, where we will be discussing 90s parenting. Birth parenting in 2026. And boy, do we have some stories. I'm hoping that we can get Jenna's mom, Mama Kina Kim on, for maybe some. Maybe we can phone her in and get some good. Yeah. As always, love you bye.

SPEAKER_00 45:18

It's the cover chronicles!