Episode 8: When Coparenting Styles Clash — Finding Middle Ground Without Losing Yourself

Episode 8: When Coparenting Styles Clash — Finding Middle Ground Without Losing Yourself
Coparenting isn’t one size fits and when parenting styles clash, it can feel exhausting, frustrating, and deeply personal. In this episode, we talk about what happens when expectations don’t align, communication breaks down, and you’re left wondering how to compromise without abandoning your own values.

We unpack real life scenarios, explore why these conflicts hit so hard, and share practical ways to find middle ground while still staying true to yourself. From setting boundaries and letting go of control to choosing your battles and protecting your peace, this conversation is for anyone navigating the messy middle of coparenting. Because collaboration doesn’t mean erasure and healthy coparenting starts with knowing who you are.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_04 0:00

Welcome to the Co-Parenting Chronicles. I'm Chelsea.

SPEAKER_02 0:03

And I'm Jenna. And this is a podcast about something we didn't exactly find out and become experts in, but definitely learn the hard way. Co-parenting.

SPEAKER_04 0:12

We're not therapists, we're not lawyers. Well Jonah actually has the leader. We definitely don't have it all figured out.

SPEAKER_02 0:21

What we are is to turn to the fact that even though our relationship isn't common, our commitment to retin healthy and happy kids.

SPEAKER_04 0:29

We'll talk about growth and boundaries respect for the actual type development, the functional co-parent chip even more.

SPEAKER_02 0:37

Some episodes will be just about having honest conversations we wish we'd heard earlier.

SPEAKER_04 0:42

And others may include experts, real life stories, our partners, and practical tools that you can actually use.

SPEAKER_02 0:49

Whether you're newly separated, years into co-parenting, or supporting someone who is, the space is for you.

SPEAKER_04 0:56

Because co-parenting isn't about being perfect, it's about being intentional. And choosing your kids even on the hard days. Thanks for being here. The sitcom that nobody asked for. Welcome back. Welcome back. Could we just live here for forever and podcast here for forever? That would be amazing, wouldn't it? This is so nice. We're in sunny California. Sorry that we've been gone for two weeks. But honestly, I think we needed it. Like we needed a reset. We needed a break.

SPEAKER_03 1:34

We just really didn't know. Like, we really didn't know how much time it would take to do this.

SPEAKER_04 1:43

Like in addition to the I think it if it would if it was just the podcasting and the editing, I think that would be one thing. I think that it's to be relevant and to get our message across. Like the hard part for me, and this is like a realistic part that I think that probably a lot of podcasts don't talk about, but because our whole shtick is being real, is that like it's very draining to have to constantly be making TikToks and content to boost your other content. And you know, like I think I was I was lit literally laying in bed last night thinking about this, knowing that we were gonna podcast today, um, and kind of explaining why we were on a two-week break. I mean, not only are we both as a full-time lawyer, I am a full-time hairstylist and small business owner. We are biological mothers and stepparents. Jenna's growing a freaking human inside of her body right now. So, like, talk about exhausting. And then on top of it, now we're doing this, and we have to keep a house and do chores and groceries, and then also, I mean, you know, like try and have hobbies and drink enough water every day and go to workout, exercise. Yeah, you know, I mean, it's just like shit. Like, I just it's like I don't think, I don't know. I'm I just I'm we were just tired. We were just tired, and I think we needed to recharge.

SPEAKER_03 3:04

We knew that this family vacation was coming up, and I think that that was just kind of good opportunity for us to be like, all right, we're gonna get our shit together now.

SPEAKER_04 3:12

And I also feel inspired again. Like I needed this time with our families together. Yes, even though we literally just got done yelling at our spouses, and our kids are quite literally screaming in the house as we're as we're podcasting right now. It still recharged me, like just being together as a family and making memories, and I feel ready. I feel ready to be back and me too. Talk more about co-parenting and help other people. Same.

SPEAKER_03 3:40

So, Jenna, what is today's episode about? I think today we are gonna talk a little bit about different co-parenting styles when those co-parenting styles clash, and I guess how to find that middle ground without losing yourself, right? Like staying true to your values and what it is that you think is right, versus like balancing that with what the other co-parents may think is right and what their values are. And I know we've kind of touched base on this a little bit throughout other podcasts. A lot of this stuff is, you know, kind of overlaps and we realize that. But I think you know, Chelsea and I are lucky enough to not have you know, sorry. They're really scary. We probably can't hear for because we have our mics on, but like it's just a slight distraction. I think like for the most part, um our co-parenting styles, our parenting styles are are pretty aligned. Ours are.

SPEAKER_04 4:47

I think if anything, like if we want to talk about a clash, I would say like our spouses parent more similarly, just I mean, maybe maybe just because they're men, or maybe because of the way they were raised. But like I think that you and I are very much on the same page with a lot of things. I think that when I clash, it's mostly with my co-parent as my spouse. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:07

Like, yep, same here.

SPEAKER_04 5:08

You know, like I think Anthony and I parent very differently, like, and that's hard. That's a challenge.

SPEAKER_03 5:13

Andy and I do too.

SPEAKER_04 5:14

And I think that more people, even if you don't have a blended family, can at least relate to that how hard it is to in a marriage or in a relationship when you co-parent differently. If there's, you know, maybe you don't have step, or maybe you don't have biological children that you just have stepchildren and then your other spouse does. And so when you come in and you have to then become a step parent, but you were raised differently and have to parent differently.

SPEAKER_03 5:36

So it's definitely like, you know, that strict versus like permissive versus like I don't want to be either one of those. You know, I like to, I like to think that I'm somewhere in the middle. You know, I don't want to just allow my kids to do whatever they want, but I also don't want to be super strict. Right. You know, I want to have a little bit of balance, right? And I think that's kind of the goal. Like, I don't know, to me, it just seems like a good way to I think it depends on the topic.

SPEAKER_04 6:02

You know, I think and I think that for us as co-parents, you and I, Jenna, I think that's what's nice, is that we do align a lot of things with where we want to be strict and where we want to be permissive. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 6:13

And when we have with like social media and you know, what they're watching on television and screen time, yeah. Um, you know, and I think that those things will change too as our children get older. Exactly, because it's also it's all dependent on age and where they're at at that stage in life.

SPEAKER_04 6:29

Right, definitely. I feel it's also, you know, differences in personality. I would say that Andy and Anthony. So Anthony being my spouse, if you're new here, Andy being Jenna's spouse, but then Andy being my ex. I think that the men in our lives are very more go with the flow. Also, I think that especially Anthony, like he is not quick to act on emotion, whereas I am, I think that Anthony very much is very like stoic, where he will like kind of take in everything and like really reflect on it and like think of where I am like quick to be like, what are we gonna do? Like blah, blah, blah you know, and so I just I can be quite a hothead when it comes to things like that. So I, you know, and also like I feel like Andy is very go with the flow, like just nonchalant, doesn't let a lot of things faze him or bother him.

SPEAKER_03 7:19

Yeah, and if he does, he doesn't show it, which isn't necessarily healthy, but like No, it's just it Anthony and I talk about all the time. Like, sometimes then I when we're alone, I have to draw it out of him just so that we can talk about it, so that he can like, you know, get it off his chest or like feel whatever it is that because if he doesn't, you know, if I don't do that, then it's like keep it in. He just holds it in, and then one day he'll just like explode over something that wasn't even right, you know, a big deal, but he'll just like freak out on everyone. He'll just be angry and I'm like, what is you know, because it bottles it up, bottles it up, bottles it up. So I feel like that is common with men, you know, I think because I I I catch Anthony doing that quite often. They don't want to talk about right. They're like, oh, it's fine. Right. Oh, I'm fine. Oh, I'm not, I'm not mad. Like then it's like, well, maybe you're not mad, but like you're something upset you. So like, you know, it's kids are kids are hard. Kids are frustrating. Like it can be difficult being a parent. It's difficult being a parent. It's not always easy.

SPEAKER_04 8:18

And talking about conflicting co-parenting styles, I think that's also like so us as millennials co-parenting with men who were raised differently than how we are trying to raise our son. Yeah. Like I obviously want, and Anthony and I get in this argument all the time, you know, because he tells me, like, he's like, Listen, like, I understand, like, that's like your baby, those are your children, but I'm still trying to raise young men. Right. And so, like, I've had like there's like the softness that I want to be able to nurture my children, but also like, you know, so there is a balance, and I'm happy that we have that. You know what I mean? Because I think that a lot of millennials were raised that you couldn't talk about your feelings, you and generations prior to millennials. Like, yes, don't talk about your feelings, you're a man, stop crying, stop being a baby. And so I think that like the balance of us co-parenting now as millennial parents is nice to raise younger men. Yes, because there should be a balance. I want my son to you know be able to be a protector and a caretaker and you know, be a man's quote unquote. But also I want him to be able to tell me if something is bothering him and talk about his feelings and talk about safety and because it's healthy, it's healthy, it's just it's healthy, and that's all there is to it. I don't think there's a weakness about talking about your feelings. I think that you can be both.

SPEAKER_03 9:27

I agree, I agree. Yeah, again, it goes back to balancing. It's just a lot when you think about it.

SPEAKER_04 9:37

So um, I think so it was funny because this just came up on when we were talking about River had kind of a rough start to our vacation. You know, and I kind of had said to you, I'm like, hey, like this is super overstimulating for him. Like, you know, like and I when we kind of just like we were like, what is going on with him? Like, this is so out of behavior. But it's like we were traveling non-stop, he's a toddler, he can't communicate his emotions. Um, you know, and then it kind of led to us talking about discipline. And I remember like Jude being similar as a toddler, almost like hyper intelligent, but like he couldn't communicate yet what his brain and his body like was doing. And so he would just be so much and he would get into these like tantrums where it was like, I I did swat him on the bottom a couple times. You just pretended to be not to be like disciplined, it would be like, hey, like spot like hurt like listen. And so it's just I think that like discipline and consequences for actions, I feel like we're pretty much on the same page. Like if I called you and I told you, like, hey, it most likely it'd be Cora, not Ava. Eva doesn't really do anything wrong, but I'd be like, hey, Cora did this, like her tablets. Yeah, I feel like you guys would be on board with that. Uh-huh. And when we co-parent with our oldest, Vinny, you know, my husband and I, like, we have the same thing. What, you know, if we called his mom and said, hey, listen, like, grades are bad right now. Yep. Like right now, our discipline is that if you can't keep your grades up for the rest of the year, and if you can't keep your room clean, we're not paying for driver's ed. And she's she's on board with that, you know. And so I think that that's nice that we have that. Um, I think that's really important for co-parenting. Is that, you know, I mean, I can't see, I don't know, I guess it would I guess it would vary case by case, but I just can't see us disagreeing. Oh no, not at all.

SPEAKER_03 11:25

You know, just because I could see Andy just allowing it versus not him disagreeing, but him being like, all right, it's been two days, right? Okay, whatever. Just go, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 11:36

Not disagreeing with you, totally wanting to back you, but then one day just being like, Or just forgetting, you know, like not even just, you know, because we just have said he's kind of just like, oh, it's a full.

SPEAKER_03 11:48

Exactly, where he would just be like, uh, whatever, you know, she picked it up and she was sitting there on me. He probably wasn't even like, you know. And and it again, it's also it would depend on whether she did something now versus when she's 13. Because when she's 13, maybe that thing would be like bad enough to where he would be like, absolutely not, put the tablet away. You know, whereas if she's you know seven like she is now, okay, whatever.

SPEAKER_04 12:10

I think that with like where we I wouldn't say clash, but where we differ would be some of our routines. I think this is probably the only thing, actually, if I can think about it. But for us, we don't we don't want the kids to fall asleep with the TV on. And it's not just a difference with your house, also our oldest with his other co-parents, they do the same thing. Benny is used to falling asleep with the TV on. And we've kind of just given up at this point with him because he's 15 and he does it at his mom's house all the time. And so we're kind of just like, okay, you know, I mean, I sometimes just kind of kind of cut your losses and just hope for the best. But for me, I grew up as a 90s child where everyone fell asleep with the TV on. But then now as I've gotten older, I just know how much it affects my sleep. But then Ava and Cora, when they come to our house, they'll be like, we get to we get you a daddy's house, you know. And I mean, okay, well, then in three days when you go back to daddy's house, you get to do it again. But well, I can't go to sleep. I'm like, I promise you you can.

SPEAKER_03 13:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 13:05

Because you always do.

SPEAKER_03 13:06

You lay down for 10 minutes. He he'll he usually he'll set a timer at least so that you can only watch it for a certain amount of time, but they're old enough now, they know how to turn it back up.

unknown 13:16

Right.

SPEAKER_03 13:17

So sometimes they'll do that, and then he'll go in there and he'll be angry because it's like, all right, I gave you an inch and you're trying to but I think that with that difference in the routine comes the flexibility of me knowing, like, okay, it's a separate household, like it is what it is.

SPEAKER_04 13:30

Like it's just and it's a small thing. It's not a hell I'm gonna die on. Like, I'm not, it's not, it's not worth it. It's it's just it's not where we clash, I would say it's where we differ.

SPEAKER_03 13:38

Yeah, and we're not gonna be the exact same. So, and I think that that's something that's important for us to to recognize, and important for a lot of co-parents to recognize, right? Where it's like we can try to be as streamlined as possible and to make it as simple um and make the transitions easy for the kids as possible, right? But I mean, not everything is going to be the exact same. That's just, you know, again, the way you said it, it's not a hill you're gonna die on.

SPEAKER_04 14:10

No, I think um another talking point for is communication style. And I think that I'm just so grateful that I have you because like I take if you don't respond to me immediately, I take that as a personal offense and I will stew on it for the rest of my day wondering why you hate me and why, and that's just my anxiety, you know? And so I'm so grateful that I have Jenna because if I blow her up enough, she will actually, in fact, I also have her location. So whether that's healthy or not, for all you freaks out there that think this is so crazy that we are friends and co-parent. But I yeah, I mean, I will quite literally make her phone play a sound if I need to to know to get her attention. Whereas like Andy could not pick up my phone call for four days, and before I had Jenna in my life, I just had to deal with it. Yeah, that lack of communication, like was awful. It was so awful, especially when I needed things. We know the girls were littler at that time and it was really hard. Like definitely, but okay, I have to work. Are you coming or not? And then he just wouldn't come. I would talk to him four days later.

SPEAKER_03 15:14

Because it wasn't the same, whereas now it's like they're in school, like they didn't have that before, like that structure of like a school day to where you know there there was a little bit more communication to reasons for you guys to communicate, whereas like the wild was so frustrating. It was, and I'm just so happy that I have that now to where we have active communication. I know, I know. Anytime I ask him something and he doesn't have the answer, I don't know, call Chelsea. I'm like, well, I'm in the middle of something. Can you call her some?

SPEAKER_04 15:43

And he just assumes that we've already communicated or like we've already I mean at this point I just don't even talk to him.

SPEAKER_03 15:48

It's just like Oh my god.

SPEAKER_04 15:50

And I don't think it's but once again, I think it goes back to the difference of co-parenting between men and between women. I think as the nurturer, as the mother, as the planner of my household, Anthony just assumes that I'm taking care of it. I already know what's going on. Like, you know, and so it's it's it's you know, it's it's it's a fair assumption because I do. Oh you know, I I do it to myself. Like I I always think I'm like, I wonder what life would be like for us if I just didn't plan anything. Like, you know, because there are women that I know that are like that. Yeah. That just don't, you know, and I'm very well, what did I what did we figure out? I'm type C. Yeah, type C. Type C. Like I like to be organized, but I also, you know, yeah, I I can't be sometimes.

SPEAKER_03 16:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:33

It just really is there anything that you feel like heard as a as a stepmom? Like is there anything that you feel like I like trump you in or never not not with you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:47

No, like I would say parenting with Andy sometimes I do, but I don't know if that's necessarily a stepmom thing.

SPEAKER_04 16:55

No, I would say that's just parenting because you guys share children together.

SPEAKER_03 16:58

Yeah. I don't know. Like I feel like I feel like sometimes if we're having a disagreement or something, he'll he'll say things like, Oh, my my children or my girls or something. But it's very rare. Ew. And he doesn't really like it. It's very rare, and I feel like he doesn't even notice that he says it, but I notice it and it's kind of like, oh, but there are girls. Like what you know, like what do you think? And I and I definitely and I've I can't think of an example. I've just like I just know that he's said it that way a couple times. Oh, sure. In, you know, throughout the last five years, and that is probably really the only time where I kind of feel, ugh, because normally I don't I feel very comfortable in my role as a stepparent. Right. And obviously Andy knows that I am a wonderful mother figure to his children to our children, but like sometimes he'll be like, My girls are not my girls, but I don't know. But it and then I'll I'll be like, they're our daughters. Like you don't have to make it like a separate thing. And I I don't I really don't think that he's thinking about it that way, obviously, but it's just like it comes off.

SPEAKER_04 18:17

Because I've caught myself like saying things like that. I think for me it's hard because I have three kids in the house, and I've said this before. So I'm raising three kids as mom and I'm raising one kid as Chelsea, and so that can be very difficult because I have three kids that I've raised, and so they are all the same in a lot of ways. They know the rules, they know the structure of like the how I like things done, the house discipline, and then you know, and then I am a stepmom. And so, like, there's been times where I just get really frustrated because Vinny did spend the first seven years of his life not being raised by me, by being raised by people who were raised completely different than me with parenting styles, or that just grew up in a way that I don't agree with necessarily, or that was just foreign to me. And so there's been times where I've caught myself where like, like, you know, he's got you know, and he's a teenager, he's a teenage boy, which they're just gross in general. And I grew up, I have four brothers, so it's like I know. But if I've caught myself saying things like being like, Well, you tell your son, and immediately I correct myself because I say it a lot and then I feel really bad about it because it didn't come out like I didn't mean like your kid, like I would never ever mean that because I would say the same thing about Jude.

SPEAKER_03 19:19

We say it about I say that about River too.

SPEAKER_04 19:21

I said it yesterday at the zoo and he was pissing me off son to show you just like and I say it and I say it to Jude, and Jude isn't even biologically Anthony. They're like, Go get your kid, go like you know, go tell him.

SPEAKER_03 19:30

I think that's pretty much like the only time, but that that's not even really me feeling overruled or unheard necessarily. It's just like where I've where I've felt like a stepparent versus like, you know, somebody who's helped raise these girls for the last five years since they were three and four years old.

SPEAKER_04 19:47

Which is the majority of their life. Yeah. And I also think that maybe more so in the beginning, I feel like that's probably less common now. Right. You know, I think that after you and Andy started having children together, I think that that kind of you know solidified your bond. Like we've even talked about it jokingly, but very seriously. If anything were to happen, God forbid to your relationship. Like at now, at this point, like our children are siblings. Yes. And so, like, we always yeah, we're always we're always gonna co-parent. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:14

Sorry, pisses both off today. It just pissed me off right before we started the joys of blended family vacation pissed off both of your the mothers of your children.

SPEAKER_04 20:26

So I feel like something that we don't have to deal with, which I'm so grateful for, is like the emotional cost of constant compromise.

SPEAKER_03 20:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 20:36

And so, like I said, we I feel like are very good at addressing burnout. And because of that, we don't have resentment. Like Jenna can tell when I have a lot on my plate. Anthony and I, my spouse and also my business partner, like we have had a lot of moving parts going on, and we've been like financially strained just because a lot of our funds are tied up. We're doing a lot of different like startup things, and Jenna's been like very gracious and accepting of that, and like can she can sense my burnout and knows that I just have a lot going on in my brain right now. And so when it comes to us starting this business, our podcast, I feel like that's been really great. Just having I think we balance each other very well in that regard. But to people that, you know, aren't as close as Jen and I, because we know that's more the norm, is addressing that burnout so that it doesn't lead to resentment. And I think that, you know, sometimes keeping the peace all the time can turn into self-abandonment. You know what I mean? Like always trying to be that better person.

SPEAKER_03 21:37

Oh, yeah, not putting like, you know, because you're not addressing your own emotions. Correct, correct. Or just being open and honest. Like I guess it goes it all goes back to communication, right? Like if you're going through something or you're really struggling from burnout, if you're not able to communicate that with like your co parent in a healthy way, you know, it can lead to something explosive where you certainly don't want that. Especially if you're already feeling burned out. Like you don't want to have, you know, and something make it worse, right? So it's like we all feel it, right? We all feel it. Well, yeah, because none of us are perfect.

SPEAKER_04 22:13

Your co-parenting relationship with just your spouse. Like constantly just being like, okay, like, you know, and just sweeping it under the rug, you know, going back to talking about how like, you know, sometimes like men as co-parents don't always want to talk about their feelings. Like, that's the same thing with like co-parenting.

SPEAKER_03 22:27

We can do it as well. Like, I mean, it's especially if it's like just not the time to address it and then it doesn't get addressed, and then you know, it's just and life goes on, and then you have to be too exhausted to talk about it at that time and it really bothered you, but you just do not have the energy, it's not worth it.

SPEAKER_04 22:41

Like, but that resentment, that quiet resentment can build, and that's what turns into explosive conflict. Um definitely um, you know, emotional cost of constant compromise is that, you know, kind of like there's like this myth that good co-parents never disagree. And I think obviously that's just such bullshit. Um once again, it goes back to just being able to communicate, drop your ego, right, and being able to see the other side. You don't have to agree with it.

SPEAKER_03 23:09

Well, you can even relate that to friends, like best friends have disagreements. Correct. I I've most of my friends that all of my best friends, the ones that I've that I'm still the closest with today, have been my friends since elementary school, junior high. Like we are not not all of us are very similar at all. Like we're all quite different personalities. Like we disagree on many things, but we're best friends. And we have been for years. So, like just because co-parents disagree doesn't mean that they're not good at co-parenting or good co-parent generally.

SPEAKER_04 23:44

Like I think with co-parenting though, like if you like burnout can sometimes come across as withdrawal and not wanting to be present and not anger, like that's right, you know, and so like that can be more confusing, you know. Like I feel like and for me, like I have such a fear of like rejection, and I'm such a people pleaser that like that hurts me more is when people like withdraw from feel like somebody's not you're not connected to that person. Exactly. And so it's like I feel like burnout can from a different from the other side can feel like that, um, whether that be your spouse as a co-parent or just you know, co-parenting in general. And I think that you know, just to validate you if you're feeling that way, that you know, feeling tired doesn't mean that you're failing. Yeah. You know, I mean, and that could just be parenting. It is a struggle, you know. I'm so fucking exhausted. I can't even imagine like how you're also growing a human right now.

SPEAKER_03 24:37

I've taken a three-hour nap every day that we've been here.

SPEAKER_04 24:40

But that's so nice about being on vacation. Like that's vacation. Today was today was an hour and a half, and I was like, wow. We've been in the sun, taking naps, eating good food, yeah, yelling at our children. No, it's been honestly like that's the one. Stop running by the pool. Yeah, but I think that's why like our blended family vacations are so nice because I think we have low expectations. If we can, we always go into it knowing because this is what our fifth now, our fifth blended family vacation. And just as a little like backup story, like we started these family vacations. Our first one was when Ava was really sick and we didn't really know what was gonna happen. She was in the middle of treatment, and I remember Andy and I were in the hospital at one point, and we were like, let's just take a trip. Like, we don't know what's going to happen in the future. Life is short. Like, let's celebrate her. Let's like get in the sun, like give ourselves a pat on the back for going through, like, because what it had been like a year of treatment at that point.

SPEAKER_03 25:35

Yeah, because we went, it was almost it was May when we went on our first trip. We went during her birthday.

SPEAKER_04 25:40

We went during her birthday, and now it's just kind of continued. Now more we do it as like spring break, just so that we're not taking the kids out of school more than they need to, but it's like a trip to celebrate the fact that Ava's here with us. That's what I looked at it as. And so this is our fifth one. Our second was Make a Wish. Shout out to that amazing organization. They literally planned every single thing for us. It was so it was such a beautiful vacation. Our third was so first was South Carolina and then make a wish. Third was where did we go?

SPEAKER_03 26:07

Alabama, Gulf Shores.

SPEAKER_04 26:09

Alabama. Fourth was we just did Lake Winnebago. That was like a nice, like just like end of summer lake trip that we did. Yeah. And then this is our now fifth, and we are in sunny Palm Springs, California. Um, but I think we go into our trips with low expectations. We want to pick a place that the kids have never been to before, a state that the kids have never been to before. So that's always fun for me. I love doing that part because I want them to be well traveled and like experience other different states and stuff. But I think we our plan is to like cook at an Airbnb, make meals together, let the kids play. We maybe have a few activities planned. But like and we like to have ideas of things. Yeah, but we don't like put like an itinerary on. Our whole life is planned and calculated and scheduled. And so I I love that when we vacation, we vacation very well together.

SPEAKER_03 26:58

Yes, we do. Because we'll be like, okay, like there's this thing to do downtown. So one of the nights, let's do that. We usually like to go out to eat, whether it's lunch or dinner. We usually like to have one meal out.

SPEAKER_04 27:11

Yeah, but like one the whole like the whole trip.

SPEAKER_03 27:13

The whole the whole entire trip. The rest of it. The rest we just cook at home.

SPEAKER_04 27:16

Yeah, like we do like Anthony and I did burgers on the grill last night, and then now Andy's cooking dinner tonight. Um it's Easter.

SPEAKER_03 27:24

Um it won't be by the time you listen to this. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 27:28

Well, but anyway, sorry, sorry, sorry to go off in that rant. But just to like wrap up just the emotional cost of like, you know, constantly compromising. I think that, like I said, feeling tired doesn't mean that you're failing, but also wanting boundaries doesn't make you difficult. I think that everyone needs to have their own personal boundaries and parenting, but you need to set boundaries with co-parenting. And especially if you are in a tumultuous relationship with your co-parents, those boundaries are going to be the only thing that's going to keep you from losing your mind. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:59

So 100%.

SPEAKER_04 28:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:01

If you're struggling with communication, you can use these things as kind of a lead in to having those tough conversations, right? So, like this is important to me, and I need us to talk about it calmly. I'm open to compromise, but not at the expense of my values. Uh, I think those are nice ways to lead into a commun uh a discussion. And hopefully it's a calm one and it's like, okay, well, I'm willing to compromise. I he these are the things that I'm not willing to budge on. Right. And this is why.

SPEAKER_04 28:39

But also being aware that you're bringing it up at the right time, like conversation or communication that needs to happen. Like, you know, make sure that you're setting the tone and the timing and the delivery method the right. But probably without the kids around. 100%. Like, don't, you know, if you have to be to work at 7 30 a.m. and you're doing drop-off at 7, maybe that's not the best time to start a conversation about a heavy topic.

SPEAKER_03 29:00

Because then you're gonna feel rushed, you're gonna feel frustrated, you're not gonna you know, you're not gonna be in the right mindset.

SPEAKER_04 29:05

So that's the conversation blindsided as well. Like if you lead with like, hey, I would really like to talk about X, Y, and Z, this has been you're not even you need to say bothering me. Hey, like, do you have time to talk about a couple things at this time? Schedule it, schedule that time to have that conversation. Um I agree. I think that um, you know, acceptance can matter more than agreeing. And I know that seems like silly to say, but it's like sometimes you don't need someone to agree with you and to see your side. You need them to accept it.

SPEAKER_03 29:43

That like you're you know another parent that your feelings and your correct uh you matter, like and we've talked we've talked about this in past episodes, especially with me.

SPEAKER_04 29:54

Like it's respect. With like with for us, like with me particularly with religion. Yeah, like I, you know, I don't expect anybody to have my beliefs, but I appreciate that you let me parent the way I want to. Yeah, you know, and with with religion and things like that. I think that um, you know, you have to accept that you're you're probably never going to parent the same way.

SPEAKER_01 30:17

Right.

SPEAKER_04 30:18

You know, and that's and that's okay. Like that that's okay. But you also need to like let go of like the perfect co-parenting, you know, like that it's never gonna happen. It's not a real thing. There is no perfect co-parenting. Jenna and I, I'm sure, are going to come across a thousand different things throughout our lifetime of co-parenting that are going to be challenging, or maybe we we just don't know yet. I mean, we've been lucky and fortunate enough to have a pretty good go of it so far.

SPEAKER_03 30:48

I agree. Um and I mean, we don't know what it's gonna what the road's gonna look like when our girls are teenagers. Two teenage girls that are 14 months apart. I mean, it's gonna be a struggle. It's gonna be a struggle with them. Like, let's just be honest. Like, they're good kids, and I think that they will be generally always be good kids, but like teenagers are teenagers.

SPEAKER_04 31:09

I mean teenage girls are teenage girls. When I think of co-parenting that I grew up with, I remember and I understand it more now, and you will be in the same exact situation actually as like when the girls are teenagers, you're still gonna have small children at home who are impressionable. And so I remember being a terrible teenager and my stepmom And that's really, really difficult. Yeah, and so my stepmom, who is now one of my best friends and literally like someone who I I model my co-parenting and just parenting in general after, she had to set some hard boundaries with me as a teenager because she was like, Listen, like you are not being a good influence for your little brothers right now. You can't act like that, you can't act like that, and so it's like, you know, I think that maybe that might be a challenge as things get older, you know what I mean? But I think just yeah, like I said, like letting go of the fantasy of perfect co-parenting, but also just modeling respect for your kids, even if you do disagree. Like we are so good about respecting each other. Like, I mean, for example, like even like River was having a really tough time. He's a toddler, and just I think all parents can relate that, like, so crabby the first couple days of vacation. But toddlers know what they can get away with with their own parents, and sometimes it takes an outside perspective to be like, hey, stop doing that. And I could tell that Jenna was just pregnant and overstimulated and tired, and we were hot. It was 90 degrees at the zoo. Everyone is done. This toddler is angry and overstimulated and ready to be home. He's been carted around for three days through airports, and you know, but then so he was just having to have time. And I literally took me being like, Hey, River, don't do that to your mommy. And then he like he zipped right up, you know what I mean? But it's like I think that we model that respect. Like yesterday I yelled at all of the four older kids when they I was like, Jenna just told you to do something, do it. Like for me, even for my children that aren't her responsibility, like an adult, a co-parenting figure, a parenting figure just told you to do something, do it. Like, and that's just shows them mutual respect for us that like what we say as parents goes, it doesn't matter who's telling you, whether this is actually your parent or not, you know.

SPEAKER_03 33:19

Exactly. So big picture. Focus on big picture.

SPEAKER_04 33:23

Okay, so do you want to just like read it off like one boo and like you start, I'll read the respectful one and then you do the other one? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:30

Yeah, I think um it kind of all goes back to reflection on what your kids are actually learning. So if you're thinking big picture, it's that your kids are learning conflict resolution by watching you as parents and co-parents.

SPEAKER_04 33:45

Yeah, and also that you know, respectfully disagreeing is healthy parenting. It's okay to not see eye to eye on everything, but you have to have respect for that.

SPEAKER_03 33:58

Unless I don't know, we kind of left off respectful disagreement. You said that still healthy parents.

SPEAKER_04 34:03

And then just finding a middle ground, um, because that teaches like flexibility and not not confusing your children. Like they're small little humans that are already having a hard time communicating and conveying their emotions. Like, why as adults are we showing them like we should show them that it's okay to be flexible, that it's okay to be respectful of others.

SPEAKER_03 34:22

And we as adults should really try, even though it's not easy. It's not easy to control your emotions even as an adult sometimes, right? But if we can at least try when we're around our children to control our emotions the best we can, absolutely, you know, and model that behavior for our kids, I think that we're doing them a really big favor. Right.

SPEAKER_04 34:43

And we just you know, as we close for today, we want to just reiterate that clashing styles are normal. Yeah, um, it's okay to parent differently. Yeah, affirm that holding on to yourself is allowed and also encourage grace for yourself and your co-parent always. Parenting is not easy.

SPEAKER_03 35:02

It certainly isn't. All right, and we just want to invite all of you to please as you listen.

SPEAKER_04 35:12

If you have any co-parenting clashing stories or you need some help or maybe just an outside opinion for advice and are having a hard time navigating the difference in styles of co-parenting, please write in to us. Like we love to hear from everyone. Please do. And we've been able, it it's nice to feel like we're helping.

SPEAKER_03 35:30

Send us some email, send us like a full-on email. Don't even just DM. Send us a, you know, we would love to have hear more from our uh viewers and listeners via email. Yeah. And, you know, really have that engagement and be able to like have real conversations with you.

SPEAKER_04 35:46

I think because it's at the end of the day, I mean, you know, our our goal is to help other people. Yeah, that's why we start to do that. I just say it every single episode. Like we don't expect people to have the relationship that we do. But if we could help one person, yeah, just to be able to even make your life a little bit easier.

SPEAKER_03 36:04

Yeah, be a voice of reason for somebody to hear you, to feel like you're being heard if you're not feeling like you're being heard in your own co-parenting situation.

SPEAKER_04 36:11

And then also, um, we also invite all of you to share um what maybe what a middle middle ground looks like for you in your co-parenting journey. Like, what does meeting in the middle with a co-parent look like? What are some stories? What are some things that have happened to you or to other people that you know? Once again, we just want to thank everyone for coming. We are so sorry for our two-week spring break, but we are back. We are ready to post more content. We're feeling recharged. Please follow, rate, review, and share with somebody who you think maybe even needs this, maybe who would like to listen to our co-parenting podcast and would actually value some of the things that we say or you know, learn something.

SPEAKER_03 36:50

Or you just want to make fun of us. That's fine too. We'll take those views as well. And be sure to come back next week for episode nine. We're gonna do stepmoms versus the stereotypes of what we're actually like. It should be a real and funny, honest breakdown of myths versus realities of being a stepmom. You know, covering that emotional labor and visible expectations and the moments no one warns you about. But everyone definitely lives through. Well, until next week. Love you back. We did it.