Episode 20: Letting Go of Expectations and Embracing Who They Are

Letting Go of Expectations and Embracing Who They Are

Grandma Queen reflects on how grandparents often carry loving, unspoken expectations about who their grandchildren will become, and how those expectations can create invisible pressure and distance. She shares stories of a grandmother who released her vision of tea parties to embrace a football-loving granddaughter, and a grandfather who stopped pushing a grandson toward his trade and instead supported his writing gift. Grandma Queen explains that letting go is not giving up, but shifting from disappointment to curiosity, asking questions like “What do you love about that?” She emphasizes that grandparents can be a place of pure welcome, offering active acceptance, avoiding comparison, listening before assuming, celebrating differences, keeping love steady, and making room for change, and closes with a prayer to love grandchildren without control or conditions.

00:00 Welcome and Theme
00:16 Imagining the Grandchild
01:24 Releasing the Picture
02:23 Story of the Tomboy Granddaughter
03:43 Where Expectations Come From
06:05 Invisible Pressure of Expectations
07:52 Accepting Difference and Gifts
09:58 Curiosity Over Disappointment
11:35 Grandparent Superpower of Welcome
13:00 Active Acceptance in Practice
14:28 Loving Through Unfamiliar Challenges
15:31 Reflection Questions and Practical Steps
18:02 Prayer and Closing

Transcript

0:38

I'm glad you are here. Today, we are stepping into a conversation that can be both tender and free. Today's episode is called Letting Go of Expectations and Embracing Who They Are. Even before my grandson was born, I had a whole life imagined for him. I imagined the kind of bond we will have. I could see us spending Saturdays together. I imagined driving him to sports activities, talking to him on the way there, laughing on the way back, stopping for food, and sharing little moments that could become our memories. I pictured teaching him the Word of God and teaching him about life, sharing wisdom and watching him grow. But if we are honest, sometimes love comes with expectations. Not bad expectations, often loving ones, hopeful ones. We imagine who our grandchildren might become, how they might behave, what they might value, how close the relationship might look, what traditions they might carry, what choices they might make. And often, without even realizing it, we begin building pictures in our minds, pictures of who we think they will be. But life has a way of reminding us. Children are not ours to shape into our image. They are individuals, and part of grandparenting with heart or grandparenting with wisdom is learning to release the picture so we can truly see the person So today's episode is about that journey from the picture we carry in our heads to the real living, breathing, and sometimes surprising person in front of us. It is about one of the most quietly profound things we can do as grandparents, letting go of who we hope they will be, so we can truly embrace who they actually are. So stay with me, because by the end of this episode, I think you will feel not just inspired, but genuinely equipped. A grandmother once shared with me how excited she was when her first granddaughter was born. She had imagined everything like tea parties, baking together, sewing lessons, storytelling, long afternoons filled with the same things she had once enjoyed. But as her granddaughter grew, she was nothing like she expected. She wasn't interested in baking. She wasn't interested in, crafts. But she loved football, running outdoors, adventure, noise, movement. At first, the grandmother felt disappointed, not because she didn't love her, but because the relationship looked so different from what she had imagined. Then one day, while watching her granddaughter run across the football field with confidence and joy, she realized something I have been grieving the child I imagined while missing the beauty of the child she actually is. That changed everything for her, and from that moment, she leaned into her granddaughter's world, and their relationship grew stronger, not through shared expectations, but through acceptance. So now let's start from the beginning, because before we can let go of our expectations, I think we need to understand where they come from and be gentle with ourselves about it. When a grandchild comes into our lives, we don't arrive empty-handed. We bring decades of love, memories, and meaning. We remember what mattered to us. We remember what we hoped for in our own children, and quietly, without even meaning to, we start writing a story, a story about who this new little person might become. Maybe you pictured a grandchild who would love the garden the way you do, or you would want to learn to bake from your recipes. Maybe you hoped they follow a path in the family, a profession, a faith, a set of values. Maybe you just imagine someone you would see the world the way you see it And here is the thing, none of that is wrong. Those hope come from love. They come from wanting to share what matters to you. They come from wanting to be close, to be relevant, to matter to this person you actually adore. But here is what I've come to believe. Every grandchild arrives with their own story already inside them. They are not a blank page for us to write on. They are a book already begun, and our job as grandparents is to learn to read it, not to rewrite it. The world our grandchildren are growing up in is also genuinely different from the one we knew. The pace of change in technology, in how people understand identity and relationships, in what a career or family looks like, all of it has accelerated. What felt like the natural shape of a life when we were young may look different to them, and that is not rebellion, it's just their world, and we have to accept it. There is something else worth naming here, too. Unspoken expectations create invisible pressure. Our grandchildren can feel it even when nothing is said. Children are extraordinarily sensitive to the gap between who they are and who they sense we want them to be, and that gap If left unexamined, can quietly erode the very closeness we are hoping to build. So this is where we begin, not with blame, not with shame, but with honest, loving curiosity. What story am I carrying? And is it getting in the way of seeing who is actually in front of me? That is a question that we have to answer ourselves. Now, expectations are natural. They are human. They often come from love. But expectations can also become quiet barriers, because when we hold too tightly to who we think someone should be, we can struggle to fully embrace who they actually are. And children can feel it. They can feel when they are being compared to an invisible ideal They feel when approval seems tied to performance. They feel when love feels easier to receive in certain versions of themselves. And that matters deeply because children need to know I am loved as I am, not only when I meet expectations, not only when I fit the picture, but as I am. One of the hardest things for many grandparents is accepting difference, especially when grandchildren think differently, value different things, choose different paths, have different personalities. But difference is not rejection. It is individuality. A quiet child is not broken. A loud child is not difficult. A creative child is not unrealistic. A sensitive child is not weak. Sometimes what looks unfamiliar is simply uniqueness, and wisdom means making space for that. A grandfather had always dreamed that one of his grandsons would follow in his trade, and he spent decades building his craft, and naturally, he hoped one of them would continue it. One grandson showed no interest. He loved music, art, writing. At first, the grandfather struggled with this. He kept encouraging practical work, trying to redirect him. But one day, the boy shared a piece of writing with him, and as he read it, the grandfather realized this gift is no less valuable. It's just different. That moment shifted something in him. He stopped trying to redirect and started encouraging. Years later, the grandson became a great published writer, and the grandfather often said, "I almost missed his gift because I was too busy looking for mine." And I think this is a powerful story to learn from Now, I want to say something important here, because I think letting go can sound like giving up, like lowering the bar, like deciding nothing matters. That is not what I mean at all. Letting go of expectations isn't about caring less. It's about shifting your gaze. It's moving from the picture you had in your mind to the person who is actually standing in front of you. And one of the most useful things I have ever learned to notice is the difference between two very different inner reactions. One feels like disappointment, the quiet ache of, "They are not who I hoped," and the other feels like curiosity and genuine open-openness, "Tell me who you are." Those are two completely different energies, and our grandchildren can feel the difference. If your energy is disappointment, they can feel it, and if it is curiosity or genuine openness too, they can feel it. So here is a small practical thing you can try. The next time your grandchild tells you about something they love, something that maybe surprises you or that you don't quite understand, before you react, try asking them, "What do you love about that?" Just that is enough. You don't have to share their enthusiasm right away. You don't have to pretend. You just have to be genuinely curious. And more often than not, what comes next will be extraordinary. There is also something I want you to think about as a grandparent specifically. You are in a uniquely precious position. You are not the parent, and you are not carrying the daily weight of rules and routines and consequences. You are not the one who has to enforce bedtimes or school choices or screen limits. That means you can be something the parent simply cannot always be, a place of pure welcome, A person who sees them and loves them without any agenda. That is your superpower as a grandparent, and it becomes even more powerful when you actively lay down your expectations to use it Now, what do grandchildren need most? More than perfection, children need acceptance. They need to know, "I can be myself here." That doesn't mean all behavior is acceptable, but it does mean their personhood is safe, and that is important. And when children feel accepted, they often grow stronger, not weaker, because acceptance creates security, and security creates growth. So we've talked about letting go. Now let's talk about what we step into when we do the active, alive business of embracing who they actually are. I want to say it's not passive. Acceptance, is not passive. It is not just tolerating someone. It's not biting your tongue and waiting. Real acceptance is active. It seeks to understand. It leans in. It asks questions and listens to answers without steering them somewhere safer. One of the most practical things you can do is find one genuine entry point into their world. Just one is enough. Maybe it's a game they play or a type of music you have never listened to, or maybe a YouTube channel they are always quoting. You don't have to love it. You don't even have to fully understand it. You just have to show up with genuine interest. That single gesture, "Tell me about what you love," says more to a grandchild than almost anything else. It says, "I see you, the actual you, not the version I was hoping for." Now, I want to gently acknowledge something. For many of us, our grandchildren are navigating things that genuinely feel unfamiliar, maybe even unsettling. Questions of identity, of mental health, of very different values around work or family or faith. Some of us have grandchildren who have shared things with us that we didn't expect and didn't know how to respond to. I won't pretend that's easy. It can take time. It can ask a lot of us. But I believe with everything I have that our grandchildren do not need us to have all the answers or to agree with every choice. What they need, what every human being needs, is to know they are loved without condition. That right there is what we are building toward, the kind of love, the kind that doesn't come with conditions attached. Before we close, I would like to offer three questions to carry with you this week. You don't need to answer them now. Just let them find their way in. One, is there something about one of your grandchildren that you've been finding hard to accept? Not because you love them less, but because it doesn't match the picture you had. Two, When did you last let one of them teach you something? Not just tolerate their world, but genuinely let them show you something new. And lastly, what would it feel like to love them with absolutely no agenda? Now, here are a few practical ways, to embrace who our grandchildren are. One, be curious about their world. Learn what matters to them. Two, avoid comparison. Each child deserves their own space, especially if you have two or more grandchildren. They all deserve their own space. Three, listen before assuming. Understanding comes before guidance. If we don't understand, we can guide the way we want, but not towards them. Number four, celebrate difference. Difference is not deficiency. It's just difference. Number five, speak identity, not pressure. Let them know who they are. Encourage who they are becoming. And six, make room for change. Children evolve, and change is good, even though it's difficult. Some changes are good for us. Number seven, keep love steady, not performance-based. Let it be genuine love. If you are realizing today that some expectations have shaped your relationship, do not be discouraged. Awareness is a gift. Awareness is a precious, precious gift, and relationships can grow beautifully when expectations softens into acceptance. It is never too late to see someone more clearly. And often, when children feel fully seen, they become more secure in who they are. Now, let's finish with this prayer Father, thank you for your love toward us. Lord, help us to love our grandchildren without control. Teach us to release the expectations we have held too tightly. Give us wisdom to see each of our grandchildren as the unique individuals you created them to be. Help us not to compare, not to pressure, not to shape them into our image, but to love them with grace, patience, and acceptance. May our grandchildren always feel safe around us. May they feel valued and deeply loved for who they are. And may our love become a place where they can grow freely into who they are created to be. In Jesus' name, we've prayed with thanksgiving. Amen. Thank you so much for spending this time with me today. If something in this episode resonated with you, if it made you think of someone, or if you are going to try one of those three things I asked you to try this week, share this episode with a fellow grandparent, and let's grow our family. In our next episode, we will talk about when family dynamics gets complicated, navigating tension without losing connection. Until next time, remember, love grows deepest when it makes room for who someone truly is. See you next time