She Shed Unfiltered

Episode 4: What Are We Really Looking For Now?

• Season 1 • Episode 4

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What we want changes, usually because we do.

This episode explores how values, boundaries, and expectations evolve with experience, and why choosing differently now isn’t settling, it’s growth.

Even if you’re happily partnered, this conversation quietly asks: What matters most to me now, and why?

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SPEAKER_00

Welcome to She Shed Unfiltered. This is not a podcast for perfect women or polite conversation. This is for the women who've been divorced, dismissed, burnt out, betrayed, and still somehow manage to show up, get shit done, and keep everyone else still alive. There'll be laughter, there may be tears, and you might even say, did they really say that shit? Just real women, real stories, and the kind of honesty that usually happens after the second glass of wine. The first season of She Shed Unfiltered is about the things we learned the hard way. The lessons no one warned us about. The moments that changed us. Whether we were ready or not. Welcome to episode four. Dating over 40. What we're actually looking for now. Hi, I'm Donna. And I'm Meg. After the last few episodes, which were heavier and honestly a bit raw, we wanted to shift gears today. We wanted to have a little fun. Yeah. So we're gonna not talk about heartbreak and endings. We're gonna talk about dating and how that feels. Different? Not worse? Not better? Just different. So today we're gonna talk about what we're actually looking for. And let's start here. Meg, when you think about dating and what you want in your 20s versus now, what's the biggest shift?

SPEAKER_01

Great question. So when I was in my 20s, I'll be honest, I was a late bloomer. So the bar was pretty freaking low. I was uh what I was looking for is oh, you are a man and you are showing interest in me. Let's date.

SPEAKER_00

Like the puppy dog.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, basically, like you're cute and you're more or less in my age range, and um, we seem to click, so let's see where this goes. Uh, when I was in journalism school, I was made fun of by my classmates because I dated one of my interview subjects, which thank God I was a student because as a journalist, that would be really bad.

SPEAKER_00

I want to ask what the subject was, but I'm afraid to.

SPEAKER_01

It was actually um, well, it was a guy in a band. So I thought that was kind of cool. I interviewed him. Um, it was kind of um like a cultural doc. I was um a radio s radio student at that point in broadcast. And so I interviewed him about his band and his music, and he was originally from the sedan, so what that looked like bringing that uh that energy and that music to Nova Scotia and introducing it to this culture, and we just hit it off and started dating. But obviously, if I was a paid journalist in the working world, I would not do that because we don't date or interview subjects.

SPEAKER_00

Well, now you know.

SPEAKER_01

Exactly. Uh so yeah, definitely in my 20s, uh, I just feel like I had a very short list and I was very much in exploration mode. I wasn't really thinking long term. I just wanted to date and get myself out there. And uh and then when I met my ex-husband, I think what impressed me about him is that he seemed like a grown-up, even though we were both in our 20s. He had a steady job, he had a car, more importantly, he had a vision for what his life was gonna be in the future. Uh and he seemed very grounded. So I think that was in stark opposition to the previous guys I dated where it felt more casual and in the moment it just felt like it might have long-term potential. But that is definitely not what I'm looking for now. Uh I have a I would say I have a different criteria.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Um, do you have any non-negotiables that you didn't know about until now?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I would say I'm very clear now on what I'm looking for uh in a partner. And so what my what my short list looks like basically is someone who uh values open, honest communication. That is key. Someone who has a sense of humor and doesn't take themselves too seriously because I like to think that I don't take myself too seriously. I make fun of myself all the time. Uh and uh someone who is emotionally intelligent and hopefully has a high EQ and is emotionally available because certainly when you meet some guys on the app, they might say one thing that they want a committed relationship or that they want something casual, and then when you meet them in person, that might shift a bit and you might learn what they actually wanted, not what they promoted in writing on the app. So I think you know, being really upfront about what you want and where you're at in life and being honest about your past experiences again goes right back to open honest communication, right? Yeah, so important. Uh but yeah, that's I would say that's what I'm looking for. And I really don't care about certain things that I cared about when I was younger. Um, you know, I'm not looking for a certain aesthetic, I don't have a certain physical type. I don't care if you have a high-paying job, I really don't care about your salary. Um if you're pursuing a passion, that's nice. Uh if it's not just uh, you know, going through the motions and getting a paycheck, if it's something you actually enjoy doing, that would be nice. Or if you have a hobby or a side hustle that uh speaks to your passions if your day job doesn't, that's why so single men out there listening, if you check those boxes, you can reach Meg at She Shed. Oh my god, yes. Call 1-800. What what about you? What are your non-negotiables uh at this point in life? Oh weird.

SPEAKER_00

I don't know. I think I'm looking for a unicorn. So I I've I've kind of come to the, you know, I'm I'm at peace with I'm gonna be single for the rest of my life. I have a really long list, but not not because I'm difficult, but because I don't want to disrupt my peace.

SPEAKER_01

And you have standards, that's not a bad thing.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. And I mean, for me, I mean, I'm 55. Some of my non-negotiables are like their kids have to be grown, right? I don't want to date somebody with an eight-year-old. Um, also, everything has to be settled with her ex. They don't have to be friends, but they're I just the drama. No thank you. No, thank you. I I've done it like when I married my husband, he had an ex-wife and a child. So through our marriage, we had co-parenting and a very difficult ex-wife. Uh and then my partner that uh my recent partner, you know, he had two kids and uh it was separated and going through divorce, and there was just so much drama. And I've gone through my own drama with my ex-husband. And I'm done. Like, I'm done. So, like grown kids, no drama with your ex, um, independent. Like, I I don't want to like live with anybody and I don't want to, I don't have a lot of extra time. I, you know, I'm I have a lot of things on that fill my bucket, and um, and definitely they have to have their own social circle. Right because I don't want them to depend on me for like all their entertainment and their social. Um there, I don't want to be the cruise director and like the cruise director. I like it. And uh 100% non-negotiable emotional intelligence. Yes, and and you know, it's it's so interesting when you're talking about that. Some people don't even know what that means. True, right? They're like, I'm emotionally intelligent. Like, you know, I have emotions, and it's like, but can you do things without being asked? Can you read me? Do you understand, you know, that when I'm cooking dinner and you're like, is there anything I can do to help? And there's shit all over the counter or potatoes need to be peeled, don't ask me if there's something you can do. You can actually see for yourself. There's stuff to do, right?

SPEAKER_01

So basically, read the room, is what you're saying.

SPEAKER_00

Read the room. Yeah. Read the room. So yeah, I I am looking for a unicorn. So if there's any unicorns out there, no. Gallop on over. Um, but yeah, just I really want somebody who's present and independent. Tall. Height is height is kind of a thing for me. It used to be now that I'm getting older, I'm shrinking. So I thought I thought I was 5'10, but apparently I'm like 5'9. Oh. Um, and that's gracious, according to my son. So I used to be like, oh, I need to date somebody who's like 6'2 and over. I'm like six feet. I I could work with. And if he's really nice and emotionally intelligent, I could even like 5'11. There you go. Which is something that I found so funny when I was on dating apps. That's the one thing guys lie about the most. That's their height.

SPEAKER_01

That's very true. That's very true. Yeah. I've encountered that. Have you? Yes, absolutely. Yeah, no, it's definitely um also like lying about height and also not using recent pictures. Oh, yeah. Like using really old pictures. So when you meet them in person, it's there's such a disconnect from what you thought they were going to be based on their profile. So that's that's challenging too. I mean, not to be superficial, but you also want someone who's honest about who they're who they are, where they're at, and what they look like. Right. Right. You don't want someone like immediately deceiving you.

SPEAKER_00

Right. Like my LinkedIn profile picture. That's 10 years old. I'm like, that is false advertising. I have to change that.

SPEAKER_01

You're you're not the only one doing that. I know a lot of people who have very old LinkedIn photos.

SPEAKER_00

So yeah, I have to update that. But yeah, no, I found that so interesting. You know, 10 years ago when my or well, 10 years ago when I was on a dating app, um, I couldn't believe how many guys, like I would meet them for a coffee at Starbucks, and they said that they were 6'1, and I'm thinking, you're you're the same height as me. And apparently I'm not even 5'10. So um yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And having been on the dating apps more recently, can confirm this is still a thing that happens. Oh my gosh. Yeah. I like what I really like what you said about um someone who doesn't have drama with their ex, though. I think actually I I might steal that from my list because I've been on dates with what I um affectionately refer to as the sad dads club, where um, you know, like, okay, we have this shared experience of being divorced and of being parents of young kids, because unlike you, my daughter is nine. So I don't mind like dating someone with young kids or grown. I'm happy either way. Um, but um, the separation or divorce is very fresh. And then it feels less like a first aid and more like a therapy session where they're venting about their ex and all the drama there and how they hate her and how she's messing up the kids or whatever it is. And then I just feel like I'm this sounding bored and it does not feel flirty or sexy or like a first aid at all. It's just they need to trauma dump on someone, and that is not something that's gonna lead to a second date. Shocker, I know. Uh so I actually really like what you said because I think if you are dating someone who is at least three to five years down the road from that separation, it's not fresh. Yeah, then that's better, I think, because I I've been divorced. Well, we separated five or six years ago now. So I mean, that's all all those fresh, raw emotions are processed. Right. Like went to therapy, worked through it. So if I could meet someone who's kind of on the same level there, that would be lovely.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and that takes such a toll on the relationship. Like I think back of my ex-husband and I, and uh his his son was like one and a half when we met. So my oldest son is not my biological child, um, but very much uh my child. But uh there was so much friction between the two of them that they couldn't even talk, and I ended up being like the mediator. So she would call and and and talk to me, and then I would talk to him, and then and it was draining, it became draining. And then in my recent relationship that just ended, like his ex-wife didn't even acknowledge me. Like I didn't exist. Really? And when the kids would come to like our house, like once he moved in, it like she referred to it as Donna's house or the house in the country. And I remember one time, like I was in the watching TV with my partner's mom and his girls were there, and there was a knock on the door. We weren't expecting anyone. And I opened the door and there's this woman standing there with her hands in her pocket. I'm like, Oh hi, how are you? thinking she was like you know, uh a solicitor, not a solicitor, but um somebody selling something or maybe a neighbor. Anyway, the next thing I know, like one of the girls ran down the stairs and they're like, Oh, that's mom. But she didn't say hello, she didn't say anything. And I'm like, And it's it's draining on a relationship. So that for me now is a like hard no. You don't have your shit settled with your ex. I'm not, we're not, we're not even going on a next date. We're done.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and I think that's completely reasonable. I've definitely been on first dates with guys, and I'm sure there's a to be clear, there's a female equivalent to this too. Like, regardless of gender, if you're not fully emotionally through your previous relationship, don't put yourself out there. Like give yourself some breathing room to process that and to feel like you're over it, or at least 80 to 90 percent over it, before you put yourself out there. Because when you're in that conversation and someone's talking about their ex, you pick up pretty quickly whether or not they're past it or still very much mired in it, right? Yeah. And I mean, if they're mired in it, that's a big red flag. And you're like, okay, good to know we're not doing this again, not gonna see you again. But I mean, it's just it's kind of wasting everybody's time, you know. Like if you need, if you need some like spicy hookups to kind of put distance between yourself and your previous relationship, fine, but just be open and honest about that. And I mean, dating apps are designed for that. I feel like it's easier to hook up than to find a relationship.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, yeah, yeah. Um, I I think probably it is too. I don't know, I haven't hooked up, but I I do know, like just from my experience on dating apps, it's you know, just the status. Like, what's your status? Like, what are you looking for when you're on a dating app? Do you because you never know, I never know what to put. I'm not looking for like what's a long-term relationship? I'm not looking to get married, I'm not looking to move in together, but I'm not looking for a hookup. So is that a short-term relationship? Or am I just looking to date people and go to dinner? But I'm also somebody who's very monogamous. So uh so I don't even know like how to if I were to go on a dating app, how to frame that, how to frame it. Because I mean, if I put that list I just put uh or mentioned, I don't know, that would definitely like shut down a lot of people. Right. Um, but I don't know. It's like, is it long term? Yeah, maybe, but not marriage, not with an outcome of like happily ever after.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I think what I usually put, because I've been on the apps a little more recently, is dating with potential for a long-term relationship. But I mean, you know, you have to suss that out with each person, right? I mean, it it could be something short-term or long-term, but I do really appreciate the men who will be really specific about what they want. Like, um, I had to actually look up a ENM, ethical non-monogamy, because I noticed a lot of guys putting ENM on their profiles. I'm like, what is that? And then and then saying, oh, I see. So they actually are in a committed relationship and are looking for something more, like multiple partners, which is not for me. Right. But better to be upfront about that so that you filter out the people who are not interested in an ethically non-monogamous relationship or fling, whatever it looks like. Right. Um, so what drives me crazy is guys who put, I want a relationship, and then I'm on a date with them and the pressure for first kiss, for sex is unreal. It's like immediate and it's just such a turn-off. Oh wow. Oh yeah. It's really, I mean, it does not happen every time, but when it does, it's so uncomfortable. And then you're thinking, okay, how do I extract myself from this situation so I feel safe again? So being in that situation sucks.

SPEAKER_00

Do you find that men lie about what they want? Like, do they say they want a long-term relationship just to attract a woman, like a different kind of woman, or that's what they think women want to hear? Yes. Right?

SPEAKER_01

That I think now it's it's not always my experience, but yes, it is sometimes my experience where I think men are parroting language where this is what they think women want so that they can get FaceTime, they can get that date, they will say what needs to be said, kind of like lying about your height. Right. That's another thing where it's like, okay, it's a running joke with, you know, all the memes out there about dating apps where, you know, you have to be six foot or taller in order to be considered um, you know, desirable on the apps. So uh, and I have actually also talked to some guys who are shorter than six feet complaining to me about how um everyone's obsessed with and I I am middling height. I'm only five foot six. I had the opposite experience of you where I thought my whole life I was five foot five, and then and then um I measured my daughter and she measured me, and it turns out I'm five foot six, so apparently I'm still growing. You're growing, amazing. I know, right? In my 40s. Um, but I I don't really care about height as much. But um, but yeah, I've I've kind of uh I've had text conversations with a lot of guys saying like this is the problem. I'm like, I think it's a little more complicated and nuanced than just like, oh, you're five foot seven.

SPEAKER_00

Right. Yeah. And as somebody who like, well, I think I'm tall, I need somebody who's a little bit taller than me only because it makes me feel feminine, not because I'm insecure or like that, it but that does matter. Like, I I did date like in high school guys that were a little shorter than me, and it made me, and maybe that was because I was younger, but it made me feel like really big and awkward. And my daughter's the same way. My daughter's six one.

SPEAKER_01

Your daughter's six one. She is.

SPEAKER_00

I didn't realize, yeah. And and she said the same thing. Like, I need somebody who's at least my height or taller, because if not, I feel like just big, like too big. Right. Right. And so for me, and I like wearing heels. So I go when I go out, I like to have a little heel on. So even like as long as they're like a true, real 5'11, you know, but I couldn't, I just I know I could not date a someone who's 5'7 and and only because of me, not because of them. Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, it's about comfort level and and you feeling confident, right? So I I totally get that. And I mean, I think we're all entitled to our preferences. Uh, for me, um, a big turn on is voice, and I think that's partly because I used to work in radio. I love accents. I've dated a few guys with sexy accents.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um, so so that's that's a big one for me. Now, I'm not saying that someone I date has to have a sexy accent, but it's certainly a plus.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I would um I don't know. I have this thing for the an Irish accent.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, they're so dreamy. Oh my gosh. Yeah, I know. Oh, I've never dated an Irish man, but I've I have wanted to retore. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Well, I think in September we should go to Ireland. Apparently, the month of September in Ireland is singles month. And it's not about like going over there and finding like your dream man, but it's just a really fun kind of festival. Like, you know, women are like, oh my god, you know, supporting each other and having fun and meeting people. And I think um, I think our podcast should do a little research and yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I love that idea. She shed girls rep. Yeah, yeah. Signed up.

SPEAKER_00

Ireland. So any of those Irish accents.

SPEAKER_01

Oh god. Yeah, I definitely like any any UK imports. I'm not a huge fan of the Glasgow accent, but I mean anything else basically. I love. I remember um sidebar, but um I used to do really terrible fake UK accents for my daughter, and um, I try to do a terrible Cockney British accent, and she kept forgetting the word for Cockney and would call it British British fur, which sounds really dirty. She's like, Mom, speak to me in British fur.

SPEAKER_00

I used to do the same thing. I always wanted to be British. And uh when I was in university, my early 20s, my room I had a roommate from England and a roommate from Newfoundland, and I always pretend that I was from England when you're downtown, right? But I I thought I could talk with a British accent, but it was the alcohol just convincing me that I could. Yeah, so funny.

SPEAKER_01

Well, I joke that um I can maintain an accent only for a few seconds, and I always eventually turn into a pirate. So it doesn't matter, like it doesn't matter what I start off doing, I will always become a pirate, and then the jig is up, basically. That's hilarious. So, should we talk about maybe specific experiences we've had with dates and kind of uh swap a few stories?

SPEAKER_00

Oh, like the weird wacky and what the fuck?

SPEAKER_01

Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_00

Uh yeah. What's your craziest experience?

SPEAKER_01

Okay, craziest experience. Um, okay, yeah, I have one. Okay. So there was, uh, this was a few years ago now. Um, there was a guy that I went out with. He was almost the same age as me. I think at that point I was 41 or 42 and he was 40. So we were close in age. He was in the Navy, very fit. He was a runner, so we bonded over running. Um, and he liked to talk about that. Um, and he seemed very enthusiastic and articulate and keen to meet up. We did um, he called me right away. We did a phone call so I could uh hear him and get a better sense of who he was. There was a pretty short period of time where we were texting core, we got together, and he suggested that we go out for Mexican food. So, and I kind of learned the hard way that sometimes dinner is a big commitment if you're getting to know someone. Like it's often better to do like a daytime coffee or a walk or something because then you're not stuck with someone for two or three or four hours. Uh, but anyway, I I didn't realize this at the time. I thought, oh, it's gonna be great. Uh so we went to Antojo's on Argyle and got tacos. He decided to get now, keep in mind this was a Sunday night. He decided to get a tequila flight. And I said, I'm working tomorrow. I'm gonna be getting one margarita and then switching to water. And um, I said, Are you sure you want to do a tequila flight? He's like, I don't have to work tomorrow, I'm off. And I said, Oh, okay. And he proceeded to order, I think, three or four tequila flights. Just got wrecked. Really red, sweaty face. He got louder and louder and louder, and all he wanted to talk about were um male stand-up comedians that he liked. So kind of dominated the conversation with Ad. It was pretty one-dimensional. And I the waiter kept giving me these looks like he felt badly for me. And I almost, I almost asked him to like orchestrate a getaway, but then I just I chickened out of that. So um, then we were leaving. It was piss pouring rain out, and I was trying to find my car. Um, I was really distracted by how drunk he was and kind of stumbling beside me and trying to put his arm around me and stuff, kept touching my leg, and I was just trying to get out. And then he followed me around and asked if I could drive him home. He grabbed me and roughly kissed me, which I did not like. Yeah, it was a lot, it was very aggressive. And then I finally found my car and I couldn't shake him, so I said, Okay, fine, I'll drive you home. But then before that, he kind of tried to push me into an alleyway to kind of kiss me. Me again, and I was pushing him off. So I almost thought, okay, well, if I can give him a drive home, then I'm gonna be driving and he can't do anything. Uh, because he just would not leave. He was just like stuck to me. So I like an idiot, I drove him home. And luckily, though, it was a very short drive because he did live downtown. He just didn't want to stagger through the rain. Right. So I drove him home, uh, pushed him out. I said, go sleep it off. And then when I got home safely, I sent him a text saying that was completely inappropriate and uh, you know, I do not want to see you again. And then I blocked him.

SPEAKER_00

God.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Just just like following me, like this weird drunken puppy, and just being really intense. So for a second there, I was a little bit um afraid for my safety because uh there was nobody out. It was like a late on a Sunday night and it was pouring rain. So there was there was no one out. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

You don't have a friend call you to say, hey, after an hour.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I do now. Yeah, I do now. Yeah, that was that was a a learning experience, that's for sure. Yeah, and I was just so relieved to get home and to dry off and just to have that behind me. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Wow.

SPEAKER_01

What about you?

SPEAKER_00

Nothing like that. I've I've actually was really lucky when I was on dating apps way back when. I met a lot of like really nice guys who I'm actually friends with. We just weren't really interested. I wasn't really interested in them that way. And I don't know if they were with me, but we just became like two of them are still, I would call like friends that I would reach out to if I needed anything. And we've still stayed in touch. So I have to say I did meet some pretty cool people. But um, this one guy I went to Starbucks and had a coffee with him, and he cried the entire time. It was three hours. I was there for three hours, and I couldn't leave because he was putting all this trauma, like just spilling all this trauma, and it was very traumatic for him. Oh well, like his his brother and father had died in a house fire, and it had only been like a couple of years, and and then just like his divorce and like relationships with his kids, and I felt too cold to just say, like, I'm done. Right. So I just sat and listened and listened, and he cried, and I'm just like, and then he sent me a text saying, like, you're so like so kind and so sweet, I really liked you. Like, when can we go out again? And and I'm thinking, never, like of course. And so when I said, like, you know, I'm sorry, you know, I'm not interested in going on another date, then he got really nasty. I so I had to block him because he was like calling me names and being a real douchebag. And I'm like, wow, I just sat for three hours and listened to you. And just because I don't want to go on another date with you, now I'm like a piece of shit.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and I think that's I mean, it was very kind of you to kind of listen to him tell you all of those things, but that's also a red flag where someone just dumps their entire life story out on a first date. It's like you need to kind of pick your moments, right? And I mean, you definitely want to get to know the other person, but you don't need to hear a hundred percent of their drama and have like a breakdown in front of you on the first date, right? Like that guy would probably benefit from therapy. Just saying.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I think he thought I was his therapist. Seriously. Yeah. Seriously. Yeah. Oh my god. And then more recently, I did try in the summertime. I was like, do I want to go on a dating app? Do I not want to? So anyway, I went on Facebook dating. I think my profile was up there for like six hours because it's insane how many people start like as soon as your profile is live, it's just like bing, bing, bing, like overwhelming. Overwhelming. And I I'm not one for text messaging. Like, I really like do much better in person. Yeah. So I get really bored very easily. Like, how are you? I'm fine. What are you doing? How is your like that just bores the hell out of me? Um, so that but there was this one guy we were chatting, and he was very much like not wanting to chat. Like, do you want to just go like meet in person? Right. So we went and uh and grabbed a coffee and went on a park bench and we're sitting on the bench, like talking, and he was just too handsy. Oh no, you know, like his hands were like he was sitting very close to me and put his hand on my knee. And I'm thinking, this is the first time I just met you. Yeah. And um, I ended up having a second date with him. Again, we just went for a walk and again, handsy, like stop and look at the water, and he stands behind me and puts his arms around my waist and like just is getting a little too close. And I'm like, Yeah, I'm done. I'm one, I'm not ready. I mean, it's it was only probably six or seven months um after the breakup, but I'm certainly like that is not what I'm looking for. And I and I know I will not go back on a dating app. Like, I'm an in-person kind of person. I I'm not interested in like superficial chit chat. I I think I've just been like tainted because so many people lie, like whether it's their height, their age, their physical fitness, what they do for a living, like whether they're married or not married, like it's just there's just too many people out there that aren't telling the truth. And I don't have the time or capacity or like I talked about earlier, I have a very like I'm I'm very at peace. Like I have a very peaceful life, and I'm very happy where I'm at right now, and I don't I just don't want to destroy that peace. Like if I met somebody out like last a week and a half ago, I was out in a bar and there were some guys there, and one guy was super hot, and we were chatting, and you know, we did a couple of shots, and and he lived in Toronto or he lives in Toronto, emotionally intelligent. Oh wow, yeah, and we had some like a really great conversation. Now we were both drinking, and he was like, We should hang out, like come out, like hang out at my hotel room. And I'm like, Yeah, I don't think I'm ready to hang out at your hotel room. And I was also staying downtown, so I had a hotel room, and I'm like, I'm out with like friends, and and then he's like, Well, I'll just give you my room key to the mirror, and then when you're finished, you can come up. And I'm like, I'm good.

SPEAKER_01

That's a bit presumptuous, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But up until that point, but we were having like such a great conversation, and honestly, Meg, he was like super hot. And and not six feet, probably five'11. Okay, may maybe six feet, but I really liked like how he presented himself, right? And you know, talking and and you know, it'd say something. He's like, Well, let's break that down, or like who are you? Like, who are you? And I'm like, Oh, well, this is what I do for a living. He goes, I'm not asking you what you do for a living. Like, who are you? Who's Donna? And I thought, oh, I've never been asked that on a date before. And anyway, but we didn't exchange numbers, it wasn't that. So Jay from Toronto, who's out of a bar. If you're listening, you know how to reach me. Hilarious.

SPEAKER_01

No, I think that's fair though. And I mean, there's a difference between men and women on the apps where we have to consider our safety as well, you know, because that's great that you made a connection with that person. But I mean, if you've known them for 20 minutes, you don't want to necessarily be alone with them in their hotel room. Right. Like you don't know enough about this person. No. I feel like I I dodged a bullet with an almost date through the apps. So I fully respect why you don't want to be on the apps because the best gauge of chemistry and connection is in person. And then you can also gauge from body language and the way the person is speaking, whether or not they're being honest and authentic, right? I mean, it's really hard to gauge that via text. Oh, yeah. Like impossible. Um, but anyway, I was talking to this guy. Oh my gosh, also a Jay, I think. What is that with Jay's? Um, so I thought I thought he was attractive, uh, close in age, I think slightly older than me. And uh we were chatting, I think it was via hinge, I can't remember now. And uh we had both grown up in North End Halifax, so we were talking about that. He was like, oh wow, it's so what a coincidence. We have so many different points of connection. And I said, you know, let's get together. So we hadn't been talking that long, I think only a couple of days, and uh he wanted to get together on a Monday night. And I said, sure, let's do that. Just like go to a coffee shop or something. And he texted me last minute and said, I'm so sorry. I promised my friend I would help him move. Can we can we push our timing a little bit later? And I said, Yeah, no problem. I said, What are you thinking? Like an hour? Because I think we were supposed to be meeting at six. He said, Let's go seven or seven thirty. Then it kept getting later and later and later. And then he wanted to beat at nine or nine thirty. Nice. And I'm like, okay, I don't I said, I'm sorry, I don't really feel comfortable with that. Like it's a first date, it's a Monday night in winter, it's pitch black. You know, like you're saying, like nine, nine thirty, ten o'clock. I said, you know what? I feel like tonight just wasn't meant to be. You had another commitment. Let let's just reschedule to a different night. Like, I'm fine with that. And he got really upset that I wanted to change the timing. And he said, Well, we both live in the same area, I'm pretty sure. Why don't you just come to mine? And I said, No, I don't even know your last name. I'm not coming to yours. And then he said, Oh, this is my full name. Do you want my social insurance number? Like, no, I don't. I want to reschedule the date. And he just got really mad. He's like, Stop being such a fucking princess. You know, this is ridiculous. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00

Red flag, red flag.

SPEAKER_01

And then he tried to call me, and so I ended up just locking him. And the funny kind of um epilogue to that story is I had a client meeting at Starbucks uh close to my place the next day, and he walked in and my heart just like dropped. And he just like stared at me and like glared, and then just got his coffee and left. And I was like, oh my god. I'm like, oh, we really do live in the same neighborhood, yikes. But fortunately after that, I never saw him again. But yeah, I was happy that I was locked in a safe conversation with my aunt because I just was the last person I wanted to see.

SPEAKER_00

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. See, that's why I just don't want to date. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Don't don't blame you. And the the apps are really tricky, and I mean they can be so discouraging, that's for sure.

SPEAKER_00

Oh yeah, absolutely. So um, yeah, I mean, I we could probably sit here for hours and talk about dating and mishaps and all the other stuff. Um, but uh I think we're probably at our our mark. It goes so fast.

SPEAKER_01

It does, it's true. Yep. And this is actually uh, just so you know, listeners, this is uh one part of a series. We're gonna have uh future episodes that show different perspectives on dating. So it's not just Donna and I talking about it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I don't date, so it's pretty my dating life is pretty boring. I just I like Meg's stories. I was excited to tell her about the guy I met in the bar though.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, because that was more recent, right?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah. Just a few well last week, I think. Oh yeah. Um sorry. Oh, no, you're gonna say something.

SPEAKER_01

Uh yeah, no, I was just thinking. I I also had like kind of a brief interlude with someone who um I met kind of through a professional contact, not through the apps. Um, but I was very hesitant to engage because there's a sizable age gap. I prefer to play with kids my own age, but he was 12 or 13 years older. And then I noticed he was his height tall, quite tall. Yeah. Uh, but we were talking about emotional intelligence and being emotionally available. And this person had an incredibly high IQ, which excited me. A good storyteller, world traveler, and um very complimentary. Um, we would we would write, write each other back and forth. Um, and he was complimentary of my mind, of my looks, etc. But as soon as I said I was available and might be interested in dating, he just shut right down. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it's not easy out there. You know, it doesn't matter if you're what I I don't think it matters what age you are. Dating is complicated. And I think it's even more complicated, I think, now than it was, you know, when I was in university. You know, you just you're downtown, you're having a few drinks, you meet people and you give them, you write down your number on a piece of paper and you give it to them. That's how old I am, Meg. That's what we used to do.

SPEAKER_01

Uh but I did a little bit of that too. Yeah. Back in university, university, yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, back in the uh early 90s. That's how, you know, we get our number to people on a piece of paper.

SPEAKER_01

Well, I think having a lot of choice is actually a bad thing for us because we're constantly in that kind of grass is greener mode. Oh, yeah. And like, oh, I can do better. And then it's also a lot of the apps, your profile, you're reduced to stats, right? It's like you're not a fully formed person. You're a height, you have blue eyes, you have these are your three key hobbies. You know, it's like everyone's measured by the same yardstick, which is so reductive. Yeah. So I think that uh again, pushing for in-person is really the best because if you're talking, if you're texting back and forth with someone, like you said, either it gets boring or you do it for two, three, four weeks and develop a very specific idea of what that person's gonna be like. And then when you meet them in person, oh guess what? They don't match the fantasy.

SPEAKER_00

No, and you just wasted a month of your time. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, that's so disappointing. Yeah. So yeah, so I guess at this stage of our life, our standards aren't higher. We're just we have more information, right? We know more, we know what we want more, right? Yes.

SPEAKER_01

Um and willing to advocate for ourselves, which I think is a good thing.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. We've lived through enough love to know, you know, what emotional presence feels like and and um what not having that presence, like how lonely life. So yeah, I think that this isn't about age or you know, how old you are and dating, and I think it's just really about what you want in life. And I know I want peace over anything else.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and I think you and I, what we have in common is we have really full, satisfying lives even without a partner. I mean, I love my friends. You also have an amazing social circle. I've met a lot of your friends, they're incredible and supportive and funny, and you know, we have stuff going on, we have, you know, big careers that keep us busy, we have kids. Uh, so I mean, you know, at this point, if we have a partner, we want that person to be additive, you know? Exactly. And to bring something to the table. And I and I don't mean a marriage proposal, I don't mean a big fancy house, I don't mean, you know, a six-figure salary, I mean an emotional, right, grounded kind of approach. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I'm looking for way more than the bare minimum.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. All right. Well, that's the end of uh Yeah, that's it for today.

SPEAKER_01

Uh so uh stay tuned for next week where we uh look at uh 20 somethings versus 40 and 50 somethings uh in modern dating. It should be a fun chat, and we'll have some special guest stars as well for the first time in She Shed. This has been She Shed Unfiltered, where midlife isn't polished, it's real. From divorce and career pivots to perimenopause and everything no one warned us about. These are the honest conversations we've lived, survived, and shared with you today. Until next time, stay brave, be curious, and keep it unfiltered.