She Shed Unfiltered

Episode 10: What Men Admit — When the Marriage Is Over (Stephen & Henrick )

• Season 1 • Episode 10

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Men don’t talk about this enough, so we asked.

In this episode of She Shed Unfiltered, Donna and Meg invite two men into the Shed for an honest conversation about what actually changes after a long-term relationship or marriage ends.

Stephen and Henrick reflect on what they see differently now, what they’ve learned through experience, and what matters most at this stage of life.

Together they talk about accountability, emotional growth, and the ways perspective can shift once the dust settles.

This conversation isn’t about blame or defending anyone’s side.

It’s about insight, maturity, and hearing a perspective we don’t always get to hear out loud.

Because sometimes understanding comes not from analyzing the past, but from listening to how people make sense of it after it’s over.

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SPEAKER_01

Welcome to Sheep Shed Unfiltered. This is not a podcast for perfect women or polite conversation. This is for the women who've been divorced, dismissed, burnt out, betrayed, and still somehow manage to show up, get shit done, and keep everyone else still alive. There'll be laughter, there may be tears, and you might even say, did they really say that shit? Just real women, real stories, and the kind of honesty that usually happens after the second glass of wine. The first season of She Shed Unfiltered is about the things we learned the hard way. The lessons no one warned us about. The moments that changed us. Whether we were ready or not. I'm Donna. And I'm Meg. All right, quiet. Hi on set. Welcome to the She Sheet. Welcome back to Shee Shed Unfiltered. Today we're doing something a little bit different in the shed. We have we have um we have men in the shed today. Alert, alert, sound the alarm, sound the alarm.

SPEAKER_03

Which uh, you know, already feels a little risky.

SPEAKER_01

Risky. But you know, we wanna be, um we wanna we wanna hear different perspectives when we're in the shed.

SPEAKER_03

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01

You know, we've talked a lot about what relationships look like when they end for us. We're just kind of curious what relationship when relationships end, what does that look like from the other side? So today we're gonna be asking those questions to the men in the shed.

SPEAKER_03

And getting a male perspective, which uh, you know, balancing all things. So we want to know how the other half lives.

SPEAKER_01

How does the other half live?

SPEAKER_03

So joining us tonight are Stefan and Henrik.

SPEAKER_04

Hi there. Hi there. Thanks for having us.

SPEAKER_01

Well, thanks for coming into the uh the pink shed door.

SPEAKER_04

That didn't exist.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, it did.

SPEAKER_03

Magically appeared just for this episode, just for you two.

SPEAKER_01

I just want to say that uh they have been in the shed before and uh didn't recognize the pink door. So Stefan um was wondering when I put that in there. It's been in there all along. And that's just one when the the way the man looks for things versus the way the woman looks for things.

SPEAKER_04

Were you saying we're not observant?

SPEAKER_01

No, I didn't say that if that's what you're perceiving my words to be, but I didn't that's not what I said. I just said the pink door's always been well for the last year. Fair enough.

SPEAKER_03

You know, partly the path was covered in snow, which I'm so happy is gone now.

SPEAKER_01

That's true. And there was a lot of maybe stuff. I can't even remember what was there. I think Renee was sitting in front of the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's we'll just blame it, just blaming Renee sitting in front of the door.

SPEAKER_00

I genuinely didn't remember the door when you until you mentioned like there was a door there. See? Renee did you see? I had no clue.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, Renee is she's shaking her head. Yeah. Um, all right. Well, uh, we won't pick on you guys because that's not the point. We're not here to pick on you guys. We just want to hear your perspective. You guys were both in long-term marriages, and um, we know a little bit about you because we're friends, and uh, but our audience doesn't. So maybe we'll just kind of start with um Stefan. Do you want to like give us a little rundown on you know, you you were married for like quite a long time, and uh recently, well, what 18? You tell your story. I don't know it.

SPEAKER_04

Fair enough. So yeah, um, like you said, my name's Stefan. Uh I was in a 30-year relationship, started uh in my late teens, had four children, and about 20 months ago, uh it ended. So, you know, life has definitely been a big change since then, and you know, uh a major adjustment in my life, a major adjustment in the kids' lives and everything else that comes with that. But at the end of the day, we all have the right and deserve to be happy, and that what was the biggest motivator for me to unfortunately end a lengthy relationship that it just wasn't there anymore and it needed a lot of work, and um I just yeah, it was just a difficult time in my life, and you know, leaving that relationship now I've learned a lot about myself, a lot about what a relationship should and probably shouldn't look like. Um so anyway, that's kind of my story before we get into this a little deeper. But how about yourself, Enric?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, not that uh not that dissimilar. Uh 25-year relationship for me, uh 19-year marriage, and it's been now, my gosh, five years since uh since that uh since we separated. And um big thing for me was I I got very I'd say, I'm gonna say complacent. I chose to see what I wanted to see. And at the end, at the at the end of the relationship, you know, I got basically, it was just I felt blindsided. So for me it was a matter of like, okay, everything stops. This is now what now? And it went for me from okay. I didn't have a long term. I didn't even have a short term. It was just okay. What do I need to do for the next hour? And then what do I need to do for the next day? And that took a long, long time. A lot of soul searching. Um, and much like Stefan said as well, it's like, okay, what do I want? I've never really asked myself that question for many, many years. It was a very new concept. But knowing that I'm like, okay, I can I now can control where this journey goes. What do I have to learn and where do I start? And I admitted to myself, I have to start slow. Can't just you can't just fill like you can't just fill a void with something. It's like, okay, what makes sense? So I wanted to really just take that time just to reset.

unknown

Right.

SPEAKER_01

Uh Stefan, you had said, you know, you, you know, you had kind of looked into your marriage, and how long of a process was that for you? Like, I I go back to when I was married. It was like a couple of years. Like, not that I was planning on leaving, but it was like, you know, we did some counseling, we had conversations, but okay, I'm not happy, but what do I do? And how am I going to like leave my husband of, you know, 16 years with small children? So, like, what was your like was it a long time coming, or was it more sudden? You just woke up one morning and you're like, oof, I can't do this anymore.

SPEAKER_04

Yes and no. My relationship started with issues that I would have to live with for the rest of my life. Um, but I managed those and said, okay, you know, I think I can make this work aside from those issues. But as time went on, and I can remember it was probably almost five years to the day before I left. Uh, and and due to outside circumstances, it fell apart then. And for the next two years, I thought, okay, we can work. We can work really hard and we can put this back together. And we tried really, really hard for those two years, and then at that two-year mark, things started going downhill really fast. And I know myself, I started getting miserable, I started getting irritable. I was reacting in ways that I wasn't comfortable with, you know. I I was raising my voice, I was kind of snapping back, and I just wasn't the person that I wanted to be. I knew that I was a kind person, a loving person, and it was making me behave in ways that I didn't feel was was right and fair to my partner. And I but despite that, I continued to try, and I got I felt deeper into work and I felt deeper into hobbies and to take me away from the home uh to try to manage it. And finally, you know, it was August 1st, 2024, and like Henrik, I didn't have a plan. I literally packed my bags, put them in my camper, and drove away. And I didn't know what the next day was gonna bring. I didn't know what life was gonna be like after that. So same thing, hour after hour, day after day, where do I put the camper? Where am I gonna stay in the winter? Life just it my life got turned upside down, and but going back to what Henrik says, slowly you start to put the pieces back together. And here we are 20 months later. I've been in my own place now for four. I'm reconnected with my daughter, but it's taken everything I've had, and I'll be frankly honest with all of you. I woke up this morning and looked outside and saw the beautiful sun and the ocean and said, I need to send her a message today. And this is 20 months later. I sent her the message today and said, This is over. And you know, let's stop the communication because all the communication was doing was hurting each other. Let's stop that, let's move forward, and you know, let's let's end things officially and and and work through this, you know, to get where we need to be. Because basically, we were just dragging things on for 20 months now, you know, every uh every third day. Hey, how are you? You sure we can't talk? Miss you. You know, these things are not healthy when you know that deep down in your heart that that relationship is never going to work again. Why continue to have those conversations? And uh, so yeah, I mean, here I am 20 months later, still working through the separation. And you know, I've heard people say this many times, you know, I don't want to date a guy or I don't want to date a girl who's still dealing with separation issues, and I I appreciate that 100% now because I'm living it, right? And I wouldn't want to bring another woman into a relationship where I'm at in my life right now. I want all this stuff to be dealt with and uh before I can say, okay, now I can commit to you, or now I can, I should say, give my time and my my love and affection to somebody when I know the other issue is all finished, you know. And 30 years it doesn't just end overnight. And you know, just working through it every day, that's kind of what I do.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, well, that's all you can do, right?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, and it it's I think that's very self-aware and evolved of you to realize that it takes as long as it takes for you to process those complicated feelings that you've had. And uh, I mean, it definitely took me I'm gonna say probably a full two years to to fully recover. Um, and I was the one who initiated my divorce, and I definitely started dating too soon. And of course, hindsight is 2020, so I totally relate to everything that you're saying. It is so hard in those first 24 months, especially. Um, I'm curious, Henrik, what was your experience uh kind of coming out of that? And how did your perspective shift?

SPEAKER_00

Wow. Um I forced myself not to be emotional in this. Obviously, it's it's it's hard not to, but I had to sit back and go, okay, what can I control right now? Okay, what is important? I take a look about you know Maslow's hierarchy of needs when you start back and okay, I've got food, I've got shelter, I've got heat. Great. That's covered. What is the next kind of component on there? Um I didn't feel comfortable socializing. I I just I I I wasn't that person ready to engage or to give myself to anyone, even my close friends. It was very challenging. I'm like, I'm I'm in a lot of pain, it's all here. What do I have to? I I just couldn't. Um I'd go out, I'd go through the motions, it wasn't it wasn't really there. Um it took a lot of time for me to understand that you know things have to go on. I have to stay, I'd say, relevant with my friends or or keep on the keep on the work kind of attitude or what what uh what excites me. I wanted to be a good dad, 100%. I still put on the everything's fine, kids. Right. We're gonna work through this. I learned a very difficult lesson in vulnerability that actually only about a year ago with my with my eldest daughter. Uh forgive me, I'm going on a bit of a tangent. Would you would you repeat that question one more time? Rain me back in.

SPEAKER_03

I love it. No, um, it's you're you're definitely answering the question. It was just kind of talking about that perspective shift when you were, because obviously you're a little bit further out in your journey. You're five years past versus under two years past the initial separation and the shock of that and the emotional complexity of that, and just kind of how you feel about it now versus when it was fresh and you were still very much in it.

SPEAKER_00

Got it. So I took a number of years of of mourning, and it was not like uh some people can go, ah, they'd be fine in seven, in six months, sometimes in six years. I'm like, no, I'm gonna, I'm just I'm just gonna know, I'm gonna have that gut feeling. And there came a point where, and it was literally like a bit of a night and day thing. I'm like, I am now ready to let go. It's do I harbor any any resentment, do I harbor any anger uh, you know, towards myself, towards towards my ex. And I went, no. And the reasons I don't understand was why. How much energy am I putting into something that I no longer can control? And I went, you know, I'd rather invest back in what makes me happy. And when I made that conscious decision to say, this doesn't fulfill what's important to me, and it's a waste of energy. I said, I'm a lazy person. In other words, I want to do things as efficiently as possible. Right. So I'm like, I don't want that. It's the difference between I can't do this versus I don't want to do this. The when I said to myself, I don't want to do this anymore, that empowered me to say, that's okay, this can go. Now I felt good enough. And it was just a matter of like this little aha moment. You know, it can't, I can't say it's gonna be a certain time or certain things that led up to it. But when I realized that point, and it took a long time, just to be honest with myself, to say, now, now it's okay. And at that point, I'm like, you know, I reached out to my friends. I said, guys, guess what? I went for like a long walk or I did this, I came to a small realization. Thank you to all my friends for sticking with me, even though I was probably reiterating the same stories for years. But I go, I'm good. I'm now officially in a good place now. It was just, it just it took some time, and I would say for me, it was just that aha moment where I go, I want to let go and I want to move on. It doesn't defy me.

SPEAKER_01

You Henrik, you mentioned um, you know, you let things go or you turned a blind eye to some situations like in your relationship. Is there anything like any conversations you think would have been difficult, like men have difficulty having, or like is there anything that you understand now that um maybe you would have addressed differently?

SPEAKER_00

Oh, 100%. Biggest thing that I I teach this at work with my with my with my teams is when we're gonna have discussions, we're gonna be tough on the issues but light on each other. So let's talk about the things that are concerning here objectively. Not always easy when there's emotional components involved when you're talking about what someone else is doing, so you have to be very careful. For me, I would have loved to have not tried to have been such a pleaser and like, hey, everything's fine. Oh, you know, crap hits the fan over there, or this is really bothering me. I would just say, ah, it's fine, it doesn't mean anything, it's okay. No. Stay, you know, this is why this is affecting me, or this action really affects me here. I want you to hear this out. Respect also comes from, you know, you don't have to agree all the time. I was too much of the person to say, nope, I'll roll with it, I'll roll with it, I'll take the brunt of it, I'll take the brunt. In doing so, I lost myself. I lost any form of opinion, uh, hobby, fun thing that made me who I was. I really had a hard time. And so going back, I would have said, you know, I have a problem and I need to tally I need to discuss this. You know, find out it may not be the right person. When can we talk about something that's very, very important? And I'd want to have a partner who can respect the fact that, okay, maybe not now, but maybe around you know say four o'clock this afternoon or something like this. Great. I go, I'm not trying to schedule it in, but I'm saying, when can we talk? This is very, very important. I would want to be heard. I may not be agreed with, but thank you for listening. And that for me would have been a lot better. I would have loved to have been able to have those conversations 10, 15 years ago.

SPEAKER_01

I notice that a lot, you know, and I'm sure I was the same way when I was married or in a a relationship, but I, you know, I notice it with when I see couples, uh, even last night, like out uh events. I mean, I don't know them, but and I don't I don't want to sound like I'm uh you know doing stereotypes, but we're really bossy. We can be really bossy. And um yeah, I I think I notice it now that I'm not in a relationship, and I'm always like, God, did I speak to my ex-husband that way? And and not having that respect. And I'm just wondering, like, from a man's perspective, like we always say, Oh, you know, men can't see the pink door, but are women is that like something that you guys would have experienced in your in your marriages? Is that you know, you just, yes, dear, like you said, I'm fine, right? And I know this is like some women are gonna hate me for this, but I just I see it all the time, and I'm just like, why don't men just have those conversations? Like, stop telling me what the fuck to do. I'm a grown man. Um, or like I don't know, I'm just I'm just curious because I see it all the time, and it now that I'm not in a relationship, it I'm like, gosh, that really pisses me off. And I want to tell those women, like, treat treat your men better because it's not better on the other side.

SPEAKER_00

I'll give it over to Stefan for in two seconds, but I do have a strong opinion on this one. I believe it is a perception, and this is I'm generalizing here, um, it's a perception of flexibility and adaptability. So, for example, from a man's perspective, I could be wrong, but I'm gonna say I would like to believe that we are more flexible and potentially more adaptable than women. So if my partner says, I really want to do this and this and this and this, I go, okay. Because as long as you're happy, no problem. I can work around that. Maybe that's where I don't know if it's you know what we've what we believe, what we've learned, whatever. I'm gonna say probably a lot of people think that way. And some men do become pleasers. And of course, then there's the moniker of the yes dear or the happy wife, happy life thing. Maybe that gets ingrained to us, or make sure that your wife is happy so that you can do whatever you're doing first. Possibly. I think it's nice to be considerate and to be respectful. So I would say maybe men see themselves as more flexible and adaptable to the situation. Again, my opinion.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. And what are your thoughts on that, Stefan?

SPEAKER_04

Well, I think that the communication is the key. And if that communication, like for example, what Henrik said, I was kind of I was kind of that not pleaser, but the accommodator. And I think what he's saying is right on, you know, the women are are not to use that in a broad term, but less adaptable, but they kind of steer the ship. The woman says, I want to do this, I want to do that, and the men adapt. Okay, no problem, we can do that. I always looked at it like if I adapt, it's less of a headache. We're gonna get along great, we're not gonna have that argument, I'll just adapt and go along with it. So I could tell, like even when we were out with friends or out in the public or out at a social event, you wanted to not obey, but you wanted to make it look like, hey, we're a happy family, what do you need, dear? Right that you were a good guy, and that you know, you you respected her and you wanted to show people that you know what her opinion or what her maybe demands were were valid, you know, and you respected those, and you you would go out of your way to to make her happy, you know, and especially in front of others, say, wow, what a great relationship they have. Um what it was like in closed doors, who knows? But you know, going back to some of the stuff Henrik has said, I I hope, Donna, that your your listeners are are getting a lot of the stuff that he's talking about. Um these are very relevant things. And when we talk about ending relationships, and when we go back to just before this, what were you saying?

SPEAKER_01

What the hell did you say, Henrik?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it was about um I said there was a point where I gave myself permission to let go, and I could say I don't want this anymore.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, well done.

SPEAKER_04

100% because I felt I had that moment today.

SPEAKER_02

Wow. Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_04

When you talked about that almost that switch happening, and and Henrik, you don't know how happy I was to hear that? Because I'm like, oh my god, it's gonna happen. It's gonna come. Because man, there's days that I'll sit on my couch and evenings and nights where I'm like, am I gonna be alone the rest of my life? Because that switch wasn't happening, and when you said it happened. Happened to you in this morning. I woke up, and when I sent that message, and it was the message of I can let go now, I'm gonna be okay now. This is this is over. Yeah, it I was just like I could breathe a sigh of relief, and hearing you say that was like that was me today. Today was that light switch that you talked about, and man, I'm so glad to hear that. So I'm glad I feel like we remember that. Yeah, I was just like, I was just like, wow, it happened. It finally happened. And you know, to be able to move on and to let others into your life or get close to you, because I I man, the last time I was single, there was no such thing as a cell phone. You know, so to be to think I can let someone get close to me again. I was just for 20 months, don't even come close to me. I never understood what people meant when they said I'm not ready. What do you mean you're not ready? The last time I was single, I was ready the next hour. Yeah, you know, but now I totally get I am not ready or you are not ready. It's you you're not you're not even there. You you can't be in a relationship for 10, 15, 20, 30 years, and then a week later say, Okay, I'm ready. You're just causing you and somebody else a lot of pain.

unknown

Right.

SPEAKER_03

And Stefan, when you sent that text today, compared to how you feel now, do you feel a little bit lighter? Do you feel like a little bit more focused?

SPEAKER_04

Uh you know, as great as I would be, I feel like I lost 20 pounds this morning. Um, but no, it it was like a breath of fresh air today, and I was looking ahead and I was just like, okay, my work season's back. Yeah, I'm gonna go back to work now. I'm gonna enjoy my work. Um, my focuses are gonna shift. You know, it's time to start opening some doors for me. Uh you know, there's a lot of beautiful people in my life, and so maybe it's time to start giving them some of the energy that I'm like Henrik said, using in places that I can't control.

SPEAKER_03

Right.

SPEAKER_04

You know, so no, I it's today's a good day.

SPEAKER_03

That's incredible. What what a shift in mindset. That's amazing.

SPEAKER_04

It's unreal. And then you know, I had lunch with my boys and my daughter, and I was just like, and that doesn't happen often. Right. So it's like, yeah, this is all coming together, and you know, my sister's up, my brother's up, and yeah, it's just uh yeah, great day.

SPEAKER_01

And you're in the she shed.

SPEAKER_04

And I'm in the she shed with the pink door.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, tell ya. It's just coming up, Roses. Just to go back for a second, because I would like to weigh in on this too, about Donna's comment about the dynamic between men and women in a relationship and the cowering. I think one thing that I've learned from past relationships, and guys, I'd be really curious if you felt this as well, is you get into a set dynamic where you're almost working on kind of an internalized script when you're with someone for a really long time. I'm an extrovert. My husband was a deep introvert. So when we were out in public at events or even restaurants, I would get used to speaking first because I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable or feel pressured to speak when he didn't want to. And then when I transitioned into another long-term relationship after that, my partner felt disrespected because I would always speak first, because that was ingrained. It's like, I have to, no, I have to place the order at the restaurant, you know, where no, you have to adjust according to the situation you're in. And also, I think even within a long-term relationship, it's important to have those check-ins to see how you're doing, right? It's like um Henrik said, you know, I got a bit complacent. Well, we do, we get complacent, and I feel like we kind of walk the same well-worn path again and again. Uh, so is that is that relatable to either of you? Do you feel?

SPEAKER_04

100%. You're an autopilot. After so much time and so many years ago, you hit the autopilot button, and exactly what you said, the responses are the same. The person that speaks first speaks first all the time. And this was the hardest part in the end for me, because all that started to change. You know, it wasn't you know, it wasn't status quo every time.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_04

And that's when I knew, okay, we're in trouble now, because all of those things were shifting. So what do you think, Henrik?

SPEAKER_00

Absolutely. It's it's about familiarity. Yeah. And uh, you know, I've I've actually spoken to people who've been in uh abusive relationships before, and you know, the the statistic is you know, some people who leave an abusive relationship have a very strong tendency to go back to something also similarly abusive because it's familiar. They know the script, they know what to expect. This is what a relationship is. It becomes ingrained, it becomes familiar, just becomes complacent. They don't you don't know any better necessarily until you challenge what that status quo is. You don't get you you don't grow without being uncomfortable. And it takes a lot of courage to be able to, you know, to disagree with somebody or to say, hey, listen, you know, actually I don't like the fact that you're speaking first, or this, or I'd rather you have an opinion, or on this one here. A lot of times it's just easier to accept because the flow goes. And even though you may not like it, that's the easiest the path of least resistance. It is hard to break that cycle.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, that's well said. Absolutely. Yeah, and and it took someone saying to me directly, hey, that's why are you doing that? I I don't that that doesn't make me feel good to stop for a second and think, why am I actually doing that? And it's because I did it for you know more than a decade previously. And it's not relationships are not one size fit all. You have to find your dynamic with a new person and what works for them and get to that equal footing as much as you can. It's it's an imperfect process, but we try.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and I would love to have like, you know, if if I ever have another relationship and having somebody, you know, I am a very dominant, strong-willed woman, but I would love to have someone say, like, challenge me on something, or you know, when we were out last night and that person came over to talk to us and you cut me off, like that makes me feel disrespected because things aren't intentional. It's just like, but if I knew that bothered somebody, I would pull back right away, right? Because not having those conversations, it's really hard to even know you're doing anything wrong or disrespectful to that person.

SPEAKER_03

So I'm curious about emotional growth. It sounds like you've both come a long way, um, intellectually and emotionally, had a lot of moments of enlightenment, we'll say, kind of uh mini epiphanies after your relationships ended, which I mean we all hope for, right? A series of small epiphanies that get us closer to who we are. Uh can you speak to, I'll ask Henrik first, can you speak to how you feel you've grown emotionally in the past five years and where you're at today?

SPEAKER_00

In the last five years, again, I had to pull it back down to the basic limits. Okay, what is important for me? Okay, okay. Who am I? I'm like, I don't know who the heck I am. And so I had to start saying, what are certain elements that I want to be able to look after for myself? And I think a big challenge is as I'm rebuilding that kind of component is staying home and isolating myself from people, it becomes uh it becomes comforting, but it's also very, very seductive. It's not great because I don't we're not meant to isolate, I think, as people, as a generalization. I am, believe it or not, slightly introverted, but I do want my people fix. But I'm like, okay, this is my small spot. I need to start growing here. Um I had a lot of help from close friends who knew me and you know, who we had long talks, and I had to say, okay, what do I really want in somebody? You know, get all you know past experiences aside, what would be important? Okay, trust. Number one. Um I want to celebrate people. I'm happy for for my friends for their accomplishments, what's going on in their life. Um I I can be a little bit, you know, there's there's goofy external Henrik, then there's also a little bit more sort of practical and sensible Henrik on the inside. You know, these are things I like that are a very, very strong value to me. So I just say, okay, I don't want to, when I'm ready to that point, I don't want to have any of those visions tarnished by how I'm feeling based upon what I've what I've experienced. So realizing to myself, if I want to trust, if I want to, you know, celebrate somebody, what is the risk factor? Okay. And do I want to find somebody, you know, I ultimately I had to realize in order to trust, I have to risk being, you know, being hurt. And I was okay with that. So that point to fast forward to today, it was much more genuine. And I went, I don't want to have any kind of ill will towards anybody or a preconceived notion or of what's gonna happen, but it was about being open, being genuine, being honest with myself. And again, that little switch flick was I'm okay letting go of that so I can embrace what could be. Yeah, it could be scary, it could be new, it could be, you know, I could get hurt. A hundred percent. But it's worth it in order to risk finding someone who's gonna be, who's gonna be really, you know, who's gonna work well with me. So that's kind of where I am now.

SPEAKER_03

Wow. And uh Stefan, what about you? Where are you at, do you feel?

SPEAKER_04

Five years ago, was not the person that's sitting here. I enjoyed having a drink. I was a workaholic, emotionally, physically, mentally, a mess in a chaotic relationship. Surrounded by a whole bunch of fake friends. And from that, literally five years ago, things started to change, and I didn't really love anyone because I didn't love myself. And in these last five years, I you know what, I left, I left a good government job. It the job I love, but it wasn't me anymore. Left a 30-year relationship, started going back to the gym, getting some of the things that I enjoyed in life back, gave up drinking, made drastic changes in my life, started a career that I love, I have so much passion for it, and that changed my whole outlook on life. I feel it's so rewarding. Um, I started to love myself, got rid of those fake friends, and now, like emotionally, physically, mentally, I'm the strongest person I could ever be. And and I look back to when I was 19 and I was uh a loving, caring, kind, funny, you know, everything that people wanted from me. I that's who I was, and I wanted to go back to that. And today, when I sit here in front of you, I'm that person I'm so happy with. And I told my family today at lunch, like I'm happy where dad is today. Dad's happy, dad's dad's in a good place in life, and yeah, I uh I just tell people I'm living a dream now. It's it's unfortunate that the relationship didn't work, but me as a person, now that I love myself, I can love other people, and it's it's it's amazing, yeah. It totally is.

SPEAKER_03

And for our listeners too, um, Stefan runs his own business now. So uh and it's amazing. Can we say what it is?

SPEAKER_04

Go for it.

SPEAKER_01

Um if you've ever been on uh a tiki tour in Halifax, you would probably have met Stefan. He is the captain and the the bartender. The bouncer.

SPEAKER_03

All of the things, all of the things. So as we start to get closer to the end of this episode, um, I would love to hear from you both about what advice you would give to your younger selves as you're freshly separated, and to any one of our listeners who is considering that, you know, very emotionally fraught, challenging change in life, right? Where you're realizing that a long-term relationship is not working for you and you need to make that major change, that mindset shift in your life. What advice would you give to that person?

SPEAKER_04

Oh boy. Um Heinrich. Go for it.

SPEAKER_00

I just sit back here. The first thing would be, okay, reset. You can't give anything of yourself until you can actually as Stefan says, you know, you learn to love yourself. And, you know, all of the all the things that make you who you are, your imperfections, your flaws, your mistakes. Did you learn something from that? Well, what did you learn? That's the good stuff right there. Embrace all of that there, because it makes you who you are, but you can also it doesn't define who you're going to be going forward. To give myself the opportunity to embrace peace and to be honest. And sometimes the honesty can really, really suck. What was it? There was a great line from Ted uh from Ted Lasso. The truth will set you free, but first it's gonna piss you off.

SPEAKER_03

That's so good.

SPEAKER_04

I would if it was, you know, to look back on 20 months, 20 months ago, it was time. Take the time, and you know, going back to a bit of Henrik said, you know, take the time to figure out who you are, what t what makes you tick, what makes you happy, and what are your needs. Um, because 20 months ago, none of that stuff was being met for me. It was chaotic. And I never thought, you know, I'd be the person to pull back to the point that you know I'm sitting in my place night after night going, I don't want to go to that concert. I'm thinking, wait a sec. You used to love those things. So it was finding out and going back to the original person that I was, maybe before the chaos started, before a traumatic relationship you know ended. But give yourself time. If I could say this, if you're 20 and you're thinking about starting a relationship, give yourself time. If you're 52 like I am and just left a 30-year relationship, take the time. You know, I heard so many people say, Oh, I don't want to be a rebound, or you don't need a rebound. And I 100%, don't don't jump in a relationship or don't jump into something until you know you're good. And when you're good, you'll be the best version of you for that next person.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that's so true. And I think, you know, anyone who's going through a recent separation or um, you know, divorce, time does time does heal. And it does, you know, you're in this when you're in the storm, you think, how the heck am I ever gonna get out? And your your heart's broken and you're trying to figure out who you are and what's next, but you just take your time. You know, it's like Henrik said, one step at a time, like one hour, one day, you will find your way out, and you will, you know, that self-reflection and figuring out who you are. And you might just really like the person who comes out of that storm.

SPEAKER_04

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I love that. So wise. Give yourself space and grace and just time to process it. I I will confess, three months after I ended my marriage, I got into a new relationship. Do not recommend. It's not a good idea. You're not, you're not emotionally or mentally ready. Now, in my defense, that was in the midst of fresh pandemic panic. So I feel like we were both clinging to each other a bit as the sky was falling, or so it felt at the time. But still, regardless of what's going on in the world, don't do it, guys. Don't do it.

SPEAKER_04

It's funny because uh a lady said to me one time, and I was just like, excuse me? She's like, You're not emotionally available, and I never understood, and I was like, What are you talking about? I'm right here. Um, but exactly what you're saying, I I was in that short time frame, and she was she spot on. You're you're not ready. And I applaud her. I was just like, wow. I look back now and I was like, she read me like a book, and uh so yeah, definitely uh be ready.

SPEAKER_01

Well, thank you so much, guys, for being here. We loved the conversation and loved hearing the uh the other side of the the another perspective outside of the she shed. We're really happy that uh he came to the see she shed see, I can't even say it. He said in the she shed. So thank you guys.

SPEAKER_00

Thank you guys for having us today. I've just been so much fun.

SPEAKER_03

Absolutely. This has been She Shed Unfiltered, where midlife isn't polished, it's real. From divorce and career pivots to perimenopause and everything no one warned us about. These are the honest conversations we've lived, survived, and shared with you today. Until next time, stay brave, be curious, and keep it unfiltered.