Episode 17: The Year I Lost So Much — And Found Myself Again

Over the last year, Donna lost more than she ever imagined — a relationship, her sister, her cat, her sweet dog Nelly, and parts of herself along the way.

But somewhere inside the grief, heartbreak, and rebuilding, something unexpected happened.

She started finding herself again.

In this deeply personal episode, Donna and Meg talk about what women gain after loss: clarity, boundaries, independence, peace, community, and a stronger relationship with themselves.

This isn’t about silver linings or toxic positivity. It’s about surviving hard seasons, rebuilding honestly, and learning to love the person you’re becoming.

Because sometimes the year you lose so much becomes the year you find parts of yourself you never want to lose again.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Welcome to Sheep Shed Unfiltered.

SPEAKER_01 0:08

This is not a podcast for perfect women or polite conversation. This is for the women who've been divorced, dismissed, burnt out, betrayed, and still somehow managed to show up, get shit done, and keep everyone else still alive. There'll be laughter, there may be tears, and you might even say, did they really say that shit? Just real women, real stories, and the kind of honesty that usually happens after the second glass of wine. The first season of She Shed Unfiltered is about the things we learned the hard way. The lessons no one warned us about. The moments that changed us. Whether we were ready or not.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

I'm Donna. And I'm Meg. Oh, welcome back to She Shed Unfiltered.

SPEAKER_01 0:55

Over the last year, I lost a lot. And for a long time, that's all I could see. I lost a relationship that I truly believed in. I lost my sister. I lost my cat. And I lost my sweet girl Nellie. I lost a lot of pieces of myself too. Confidence, stability, certainty, even the version of me that thought life would turn out differently. And I think when women go through hard seasons, we become really good at functioning. We still go to work, we answer text, we show up for people, and we keep moving. But underneath all of that, sometimes we're barely holding ourselves together. This episode isn't about pretending everything happens for a reason, and it's not about toxic positivity or finding some perfect silver lining and grief. Because honestly, some losses are just painful. But somewhere in the middle of surviving this past year, I started realizing something unexpected was happening too. I was changing. The woman sitting here today is not the same woman I was a year ago. And while some of the change came from heartbreak and grief, some of it came from growth, clarity, boundaries, and finally seeing myself differently. So today we're not going to just talk about loss. We're going to talk about what women gain after going through so much loss.

SPEAKER_02 2:26

That's what we're going to be talking about today, losing and gaining. And uh, Donna, I'm really curious to know today, right now, what headspace you're in and what you feel you've gained out of these experiences, which, you know, on the face of it, are incredibly challenging and often emotionally taxing and come with a degree of grief. What do you feel you've gained that you didn't have 12 to 14 months ago before all this started?

SPEAKER_01 2:59

Besides 10 pounds? Um I'm an emotional eater. I've uh figured that out. Um, I think I've gained like a lot of clarity and like really paying attention to like consistency and effort and and just feeling like that emotional safety with people around people. I've gained boundaries, like I've also stopped over-explaining myself. Like, if I don't want to do something, I'm just being honest and I I don't want to do it. No, I'd rather stay home. Like, so I always felt like I had to do do things, so I'm I have more boundaries for sure. Even though I was independent, I always considered myself independent. I have gained more independence, and you know, I found that I lived alone for eight years until uh I met my ex and I did everything on my own. And then when he moved in, it it was kind of like, you know, he would do things, and so I didn't have to do things. And then I I didn't, and um, and now I don't think I'll ever lose that independence. I'm like, you know what? I can take the hand railing off the wall. I had to get a new dryer the other day, and I'm like, I I don't need I'm never gonna ask for help again. And I know that's probably I I probably should never say never, and I probably will, but I don't have to. So um, and also the biggest thing I think is I gained my voice, right? And uh with this podcast and meeting like so many incredible people and telling my story and being vulnerable, you know, that is something very new for me. Like I've never been somebody to like allow myself to be vulnerable, and so that is definitely um a big gain. And again, just like perspective, like the little things that matter like peace matters differently now than it did two years ago, right? And so and then the biggest gain was like gaining myself back, you know, a little wiser, maybe a little softer, and a little stronger. You know, I'm a woman now who understands that surviving something painful can break you open, but it can also bring you back to yourself.

SPEAKER_02 5:26

Well said, I really like what you said. I'm done over-explaining myself. Uh, I love the sentence, no is a full sentence. You know, and I feel like as women, it's hard for us to practice that in our daily lives because we want to be diplomatic and we often try to make sure that everybody else is happy and has their needs met. Uh, where you know what, it's okay to just say fucking no. Like if you don't want to go out, you don't want to go out. And sometimes it's amazing just to like have your peace and stay at home and just have a relaxing night. And I think it took me a long time to come to that too, because after the divorce, you know, the and I'm sure you felt this too, Donna, like when you don't have the kids, it's really quiet, right? So getting used to that and then kind of the guilt of suddenly feeling like you're a part-time parent feels really weird. Um, but uh eventually you do learn to reclaim your space and and also, like you said, find yourself again re-engage with activities and hobbies that you maybe put aside in your married life that you actually suddenly have the capacity to do. Uh, I I started doing crazy stuff like um cold dipping, like walking, walking into the ocean in winter with some friends, uh, with a a crew that I dip with called Coldplay NS, uh pun intended, and uh and you know, going out to brunch with friends and going to the gym more. And so I feel like there are all of these parts of yourself that you regain and reconnect with, which is really exciting. Uh, you know, once you get past the kind of emotional shock of the change of your situation and the uh the mom guilt, uh, which, you know, ebbs and flows obviously through your life. But uh once you get past all of that, there is so much to explore, and I'm certainly grateful for that.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

Oh yeah, I remember those days when uh when I first my ex-husband and I first separated and the kids going to their dads and the house feeling so empty and feeling so sad. But uh, you know, I do feel like it gave me an opportunity, like you said, to kind of find yourself again and and and try new things. And and that's really what you know I'm doing again. Um, but just in a different way. Like last time I got out and I did all this volunteer work and I became part of like a volunteer service club and you know, going out a lot, like and and now it really is just about the peace, right? And I am like I feel so at peace with my life, and I don't need to be going out and getting all dressed up and talking to like a ton of people. Like I find now I get socially drained, right? You know, you're I'm at work all day and it's just it's nonstop. We have a very busy like work environment, and um, and so when I come home, I really appreciate the quietness and um and the peacefulness of that. And I'm just like I've become this chilled person, like like my uh my sister that passed away, she'd be so impressed with who I am right now because I'm just like I really am just so chilled and like that candle, like, oh look, my last fuck and it's on fire. And and maybe it's an age thing because she's also uh she was 13 years older than me. So she was always saying, like, ah, once you get older, you just like you don't really you don't fucking care anymore, like not about yourself or people, but you just like the the the little things just become so like non-existent, right? And she's like it doesn't matter, and and she was so true, like yeah, she had she was she had lots of great advice for me, but yeah, she'd be so proud at the chilled-out sweatpants, you know, messy hair, cleaning the yard and just being at peace with that, and not having to have people around and not having to be like out socializing or volunteering or whatever I was whatever was on my plate that day. Like, I am like I am looking forward to uh next door free advertising. You should give me a free membership for this, but a next door to work. Um, there's a new racket club opening called the Brinery. Yeah, and they have like pickleball and other racquet sports, but they also have a gym and like a little social area. So I'm like really excited. I've been wanting to pick up uh pickleball for a while. Um, my friend Sheila and I, and we couldn't find a place to go like that would give beginner lessons because that's what we need. Um, so yeah, I'm excited. That will be something that will be maybe after the summer. I'll uh I'll pick up and try that out. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:24

So is that really close to home? It's right next to the restore. Oh, yeah, right next to my office. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:31

Oh, that's perfect.

SPEAKER_01 10:32

Yeah, yeah. So after work or before work or at lunch or whatever. I'm a little bit jealous. That sounds really fun. And just like having that social component because I it looks like from the uh I was in there yesterday not yesterday, the day before, and uh there's going to be like a social area, and I don't know if it's going to be licensed or not. That would be kind of tricky playing racquetball after a couple of beer, but I mean pickleball while pickled. Yeah, right. Yeah, maybe you get pickled after the pickleball is right. I don't know. But yeah, I'm looking forward to doing that. And you know, uh a few other things that are changing in my life is that not that I'm an empty nester, but my kids are grown. Like my youngest is graduating from high school in next month. Yeah, and you know, he's got his own life, and my daughter, like she moved back home, but you know, she's she's doing her own thing too. So um it's kind of the first time in my adult life that I don't have anybody to take care of. Like, I don't have I mean, I've been parenting since 1997, and you know, without and now I don't have Nelly to worry about. So literally I am like free as a bird to do my thing. And it's kind of a cool feeling. I I'm I'm really excited about it. I don't know what it looks like yet, but it's kind of like like this summer, if I want to just take off for a weekend, I can take off for a weekend. Like kids drive, they can do their thing. Yeah, so that's it's kind of like Freedom 55, just not like the retirement Freedom 55.

SPEAKER_02 12:09

Still, though, it sounds like a good kind of freedom. Yeah, I think my needs are a little bit different from yours because when I'm going to work, I am literally stepping into my home office. And it's it's just me. So I can totally understand why, say, on a Friday night, you might want to just have some nice quiet time to unwind. Um, I I definitely do on Friday nights. I it makes me feel old, but I like to have a quiet night. But on the weekends, I find I need to kind of fill my cup socially because I'm mostly working independently on my own. I'm not like constantly with people the way you are. So, like this weekend, again, speaking to kind of getting every other weekend off, my friend just got a puppy, and that puppy looks adorable. I get to cuddle a puppy tomorrow. And another friend of mine um offered offered uh to make dinner, but also I apparently have to go to Taekwondo lessons first. I don't understand what the connection is there, but I said yes to that. So like I'd be hungry enough for I know, I know, seriously. I'm just like, I don't know what to expect. Uh, but you know, it's kind of all the random things that come your way. And this podcast, I don't know if I was a full-time, um, kind of traditional, in a more traditional like marriage and full-time parent that I'd have time for this podcast, but I'm really happy that I do. Uh, so it's like all these different doors open up for you when you actually have the time. So maybe, Donna, that'll like open the door for some exciting things for you when you're like sort of but not quite an empty nester.

unknown 13:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:42

Yeah. And I'm so looking forward to whatever whatever that is, right? This year also made me realize, Meg, like how many other people are quietly suffering. Like how many women are showing up to work, taking care of their families, smiling in pub public, right? Well privately, like carrying heartbreak, exhaustion, loneliness, fear, and grief. Um, you know, women survive so much quietly. Whether you're living in a marriage that you're not happy in or in a job that you're not happy in, and and I think that we do, um, we go through all this stuff and we're so quiet about it. And uh maybe that's why this podcast um matters more now than ever before. And I think also um one of the things I love about what we're doing is in a world uh, you know, with all this AI and all this social media is everywhere, I think I think people are starving for honest, like not perfection and not curated lives like we see on social media, but but just like honesty. And I think that the podcast um and this past year have really shown or is proof that we can survive the hard things. Yeah, I also gain proof that I can survive hard things. I think, you know, um there were moments this year where I genuinely genuinely didn't know how I was going to emotionally get through everything, but somehow, day by day you do. And then eventually you realize you're stronger than you thought. And like I said, maybe one of the biggest things I gained this year was myself. You're not not not that old version of me, um, not the woman I was before all of this, but I think a more honest version, like I said earlier, like I've not somebody who is vulnerable, definitely a lot wiser. Um, and definitely somebody who understands that healing isn't becoming who you used to be, it's really learning to love the person that you're becoming.

SPEAKER_02 15:59

Uh yeah, Donna, I completely agree with that. And uh going back to what you said about, you know, women quietly undergoing hardship, that is so true. I think we put on that public brave face, and uh, and then kind of sometimes at some stages of life, then we will quietly fall apart at home. I certainly know some women, I have some very strong women in my life who, um, if you looked at their social media accounts, it would seem like everything was roses, right? Like beautiful house, beautiful life, beautiful husband and kids and pets and all the rest. And then when I'm talking to them, they have marital struggles. But um, similar to when we talked to Shauna and Cindy on a previous episode about uh having your go money and, you know, being able to actually leave a situation that is not healthy for you, you know, not everyone has that. Not everyone can plan in advance for that. And it can often leave you trapped in a situation that you don't want to be in. So I've certainly have friends today that are in marriages where they want to leave, but it's a scary proposition. Um, and you know, I think speaking of gains and losses, I think they feel like the losses would outweigh the personal gains for them if they left that situation. So that's a really challenging spot to be in. Um, and you know, sometimes unfortunately we have to live in that discomfort to ultimately get to a happier, healthier place. But for some people that discomfort is more tangible than others, especially when it comes to finances.

SPEAKER_01 17:38

Yeah, that's uh finances are always like that tricky part. Um so, Meg, we kind of talked about some of you know my losses and the gains that I felt. And I know like mine is a little more raw than yours, but I mean, you were with somebody for a really long time, um, and you know, you were married and had a daughter. Like, what are the changes that you saw or you see in yourself, you know, from the Meg that was what five years ago? Has it been five years? Did you say six, I think, now. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. So Meg six years ago versus like m current day Meg.

SPEAKER_02 18:17

Yeah, sure. So I definitely feel more like a grown-up, which is really weird to say, but I unfortunately, when I was married, I didn't drive. So yeah. Oh wow. So uh, and it's funny too because my husband at the time uh offered to help me learn how to drive, which I was really appreciative of. Um, and I said, Yeah, that would be great. He said, you know, um, I have this uh car that I'm gonna be trading in, so it's kind of at the end of its life and it's an old beater now, so we could kind of tool around in that car. And I said, that would be great. And then it never happened. And I think partly he, I think one of his love languages was acts of service. So he really liked to be the one who went out and ran errands and did the things. So I feel like maybe he just enjoyed or at least leaned into that dynamic, and I didn't love it, and I really should have been more proactive about learning how to drive. But honestly, I think I had I left it long enough that I had a mild phobia about it. I would literally have nightmares about being in an emergency situation where I had to drive and I and I would crash the car. It was ridiculous. Oh yeah, yeah, and then I'd wake up like so um, yeah. So, so I definitely um definitely gained late in life independence where I got my driver's license and then uh in the morning and then in the afternoon I moved out of the house. So um it was like oh yeah, it was immediate. It was immediate. I remember it was like Halloween. Um, because I had like I also had a Halloween party that evening, which was insane that I even went to that because I was so drained uh emotionally and mentally, but um probably just avoiding, avoiding my feelings, having a drink and dressing up in costume. But uh, but yeah, so so certainly, and you know, as you said, Donna, you know, you realize that even if maybe you get used to someone else doing things for you in the context of a relationship, you can do it yourself, right? I mean, it's like, yes, we we ask for help, we ask for, you know, Donna and I both um have incredible friends that we rely on for emotional support and for, you know, um kinship, our sisters, our friends, um, our friends that feel like sisters, but um, but you know, we can in a pinch, we can figure it out, right? I mean, um, I used to, my previous partner used to help me with taxes, et cetera. Now I just I do everything myself. And to be fair, I am in an apartment, so I don't have to do any massive renovations or anything like that. Like I can just log a ticket and the guy comes and does the thing and leaves. Uh, but um, but yeah, it's it makes me realize like you don't have to automatically rely on someone else to do it for you. You can figure it out yourself. And honestly, it's really empowering and it feels good to just uh, you know, pick up and go. Um, you know, I can take my daughter anywhere now. If we want to go to the beach, we go to the beach, we go see friends. Our weekends together are amazing. I wouldn't trade them for anything, and uh I think it just makes me more grateful for the time that I do have with her and uh and my newfound independence at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

Well, you really like to pack it in there, like you lose your job, get divorced, learn to drive. Yeah, no, you I do you like Thrive in Chaos? I did I did back then. Now you like the peace. That's right. Now you like the peace. Um one of the things I think that really surprised me this past six months, and we talk about gains, is the community uh around us, right? And And again, we've talked about this before, the women who have come together and to share their stories or to like want to be part of this. And uh I was going um the other day through all the people who signed up to be part of the Pink Door collection. So uh that's super exciting. And all of all of you who signed up, there will be something coming out soon. Uh so just be patient. Um, and I love that. I love that again, more than ever, it seems like women are out there supporting each other. And, you know, I've I've read so many things. I know like our computers are listening to us because I get all these different ads like, why are women over 40, or why are millennials and gen Xers like now choosing not to be in relationships or choosing like not to live with their partners and wanting to be independent. And there's so much, I don't know, I want to say we're evolving, but I think we're it's not even evolving. I think we're just gaining so much confidence in ourselves and realizing that we can do that stuff alone. And if not, we can hire somebody to do it. We don't need to be like living with somebody just so that they could like change the oil in our car. Um but I really I just love the community that you know, not just our podcast, I see it, you know, with women networking groups and other female podcasters and content creators. Uh, I love it. I love that women are out there supporting each other. And I think that when we see that and that we're part of that community and we've we've um contributed to that community through uh the podcast and through the Pink Door Collective. You know, I think I'm really proud of us for doing the podcast. I'm proud that um I kept going when things felt heavy. I'm proud of you for like, you know, what you went through as well, like leaving your job, telling your husband that you wanted a divorce, learning how to drive, right? Like those are all really like we need to be proud. And um I'm proud that the podcast exists and because there are moments um or there were moments this year when I could have easily shut down and um and just kind of hid away and uh but instead something beautiful has i is happening, right? And um, you know, with women connecting with us and sharing their stories and saying like I've gone through this or I'm going through this, and uh you know, people saying that they felt less lonely and or less alone listening to our podcast. And that really has been one of the biggest gifts of this entire experience, just gaining a deeper appreciation also for the simple things like those quiet mornings, my home, my friends, the laughter, you know, just little moments of peace. I think when you when you go through difficult seasons, you stop taking those ordinary things in life for granted. And maybe the most positive thing I gain this year is a stronger relationship with myself. I spent so much of my life taking care of other people and showing up for other people and trying to hold everything together. But this year has taught me to start showing up for myself too, to protect my energy, to create a life that actually feels good to live in, to stop shrinking, to stop settling, and stop abandoning myself just to keep other people comfortable. And honestly, there's something really empowering about rebuilding yourself intentionally.

SPEAKER_02 25:49

I love that so much. I have to agree, and I'm proud of you as well for everything that you've been through because it is a lot, and I think you should be officially done with character building now and just like enjoy yourself and have some fun. Um, what one of the key things that I have gained, I would say, is uh perspective on romantic relationships. So I feel like when I was younger, I was programmed by my parents, by my peer group, that the be-all and end-all is to get into a romantic relationship and to lock the fuck in. Like this is it, you're done, like box checked. So I felt like for me, getting married was really important. And now I'm so much more laid back about it because I find being a single person, it forces you to widen the lens and zoom out and see what other parts of life, what other experiences can be exciting for you, can enrich you, can get you um, you know, keen to jump out of bed every day. And for me, that's been meeting new people like you, Donna, this podcast, um, meeting new friends. I re I reunited with some folks that I used to go to school with at NSEC, that some of whom I hadn't talked to in 17 years, but kind of, you know, keeping your mind and heart open and saying yes to things like that is amazing. So a relationship, a romantic relationship is a nice to have. It's not a must-have. Like I'm totally, I intentionally took a year off of all dating, all straight men, all of that. And honestly, it was a great, it was a great year. So uh realizing that, you know, guess what? It regardless of whether or not you're in a relationship, you can have an incredible time with yourself and your social scene, your group of friends. Um I think makes you ready and open if you do feel like dating. But again, nice to have, not a must-have. I don't know if you feel the same way about that, Donna.

SPEAKER_01 27:53

Oh, yeah, I think I've made it like so clear in almost every episode that um, you know, that I was never going to date again or or um, you know, that I didn't need to date. And I think, you know, I did mention that I had met somebody and um and that's a nice to have, but um definitely not something that I need it to fulfill my life. You know, we're so busy we barely get to see each other anyway. So um, so yeah, so I I love I love that. And I think that that's how everybody should be going through life is not searching for this perfect partner, but searching for the perfect, uh not even the perfect, but you know, being the most genuine, authentic person for yourself, and then if you happen to bump into that perfect partner for you, then that's an added bonus, but not being out there searching for it because um there's so much more to life and so much more to just like being you and loving yourself, and again, relationships are still good. I'm just don't want to sound cold and crazy.

SPEAKER_02 29:10

You don't sound crazy. Um, I'm gonna catch a little bit of flack for this, but I don't care. Um, I think one phrase that I think is overused and I would like to stop it is I am married my best friend. He is my best friend. My best friend I have known since I was 18, and it's a woman, and she has seen me go through so much, and I've seen her go through so much, and we have this shorthand, and we can similar to uh Donna, you and your friend Nicole, who we had on a previous episode, you know, months can pass and then you pick things back up and it's like no time has passed. It's just this, it's like this beautiful shortcut. Uh, you know, you can you can talk and it just immediately clicks. So I think that's what a best friend is. I mean, kudos to everyone who has married their best friend, but um I wouldn't marry mine because we're both straight and we're both ladies. Uh but yeah, I just I take umbrage with that because I feel like your if you do decide to have a romantic partner, they do not have to be your everything. That's just a lot of fucking pressure to put on one person. You know, that's why we build our communities mindfully. That's why we have friend groups, you know. It it takes a village, it should not be on one person.

SPEAKER_01 30:30

I love that because again, that was one of my uh in my unicorn list was that that person have their own social life because my ex did not have like friends really, like he knew a lot of people, but didn't have like that best friend that most of us all have that one best friend, right? Uh, from childhood or university or whatever. And so um, yeah, I think it's great if you find a partner and you guys are really close and you know you have that you're friends. I I do believe that you should be friends first, and then you know, that helps build that connection, especially for me, because I want an emotional connection as well as a physical connection. Yeah, I um I agree with you, Meg. So I think that's where we'll leave things today. And uh, you know, I I wanted to say again, like not all change is bad, and some changes make you softer, some changes make you wiser, and some changes teach us the value of peace. And maybe that's what healing actually is, not becoming the person you were before the heartbreak or before the grief, but learning to love the person you just became because of all of that. So if you're listening to this and you're in a hard season right now, we just want you to know that you are not failing because it feels heavy. Some seasons are about survival, some seasons are about rebuilding, and some seasons are quietly preparing you for a version of yourself you haven't met yet. And I truly believe that now. Because the year I lost so much was the year I found parts of myself I never want to lose again.

SPEAKER_02 32:16

Thanks so much for listening. This has been She Shed Unfiltered, where midlife isn't polished, it's real. From divorce and career pivots to perimenopause and everything no one warned us about. These are the honest conversations we've lived, survived, and shared with you today. Until next time, stay brave, be curious, and keep it unfiltered.