Ashana's Truth Part 1

SDK Sister Ashana starts to tell her story of overcoming an abusive relationship and looking back on signs that should have been a sign to leave earlier. Tune in to hear this gripping story.

Ashana's Contact information:

Ashana Kaiulani 

Founder of Way Home Wellness 

(wayhomewellness.com)

Trauma support specialist for Break the Silence Alabama

(Breakthesilenceal.org)

Podcasts:

Voices of strength 

(https://www.breakthesilenceal.org/podcast)

The Reclamation Room

(Ashanakaiulani.substack.com)

~ Also available on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube 

Instagram @wayhomewellness 

Thank you for listening: If you want to be a guest or have me tell your story, questions or comments please email me at Shedidntknowpodcast@gmail.com

For those who are now SDK supporters, thank you so much❤️ if you want to support the show, please click the support link, I greatly appreciate it🫶🏽

My Tiktok page: Katching up with Ash @katchingupwithash

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

She didn't know, but she's right so the life wasn't yours, you belong. She didn't know. She didn't know.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

Welcome back to SDK Wednesdays with your girl Ash. We have a special guest with us today. Her name is Ashana, and she we will be telling her story. Welcome to the show, Ashana. Thank you so much, and I love that song. It was beautiful. Thank you so much. So you go ahead and tell your story. When I saw it, I said, Oh yeah, she definitely has to be on the show.

SPEAKER_03 0:43

Well, um, I guess my story starts in shortly after high school. I had moved to Arizona, and when I came back from Arizona to where I live now, Alabama, um, I got back in contact with my dad, and he's like, Oh, you're single now. Like your long-term relationship is over. And I'm like, Yes, I'm really just finding myself. I'm in this place of figuring out who I am. I had been in a relationship since I was, I don't know, 15. So he had someone at work who I went to school with. This person was a grade above me. I knew of him. I had spoken to him maybe briefly once or twice here and there, but we more so had a mutual friend than anything. And so I didn't like really know this person very well. But my dad gave him my phone number and said you should text her. She's, you know, now she's single. So this person actually reached out to me over Facebook at first. And so I'll say here, like, I recently read this book called Psychopath Free, or listened to the audiobook version of it. And the portion where the author is talking about like the love bombing and the like really getting to know your personality and diving into that in the beginning, that would heavily apply here. This is very much what it felt like. Um, so lots of contact over Facebook, lots of finding out we have things in common, common music, common movies, common video games. I was 19 at this point, so still very much a kid, honestly. And so this person had asked me out on a date several times. I kind of blew him off. I was like, Yeah, you know, eventually I will. And I really had no intention of doing that. Um, but I remember one faith, fate, fateful night, I was at a store with my two friends, and he texted me, What are you doing? And I said, I'm at a store. It's like 10 o'clock at night, super bored. I don't really know why we're here. Um, and we're at this store in this other town that I don't really frequent. And he's like, Oh my gosh, no way. I'm in that town too. And I'm like, What? That's crazy. So he said, Well, I'm gonna come rescue you, don't leave.

SPEAKER_02 2:57

Do not rescue.

SPEAKER_03 3:00

So I'll just say here too, that like when he spoke to me that way, like, don't leave, I'm coming. That kind of played on some patterns for me of being told what to do and and someone taking charge. So I was like, Oh, okay, like you, okay, yes, sir, you know. Um, looking back now, of course, I see these things, but at the time it was just under the surface for me, like subconscious. So he came and picked me up. We went to this mutual friend's house that I told you about. This was the mutual friend was someone I I adored. Like in high school, I would come up and talk to him at break, and and he was just so sweet. And this just happened to be this guy's best friend. So look at that. We have something in common in that way too. So he was at this mutual friend's house, and I got there and I was like, Oh my gosh, hey, like it's so good to see you. I just got back from Arizona, and I noticed that this guy that came and picked me up had a suitcase there. And I'm like, why do you have a suitcase? And he's like, Oh, I just yeah, right, like, okay. So he said, Oh, I just got out of a relationship about two weeks ago, and I've just been hanging out here because I had been living with this person. So again, again, Ashley, we have this in common too. Oh my gosh, me too. So we played video games, we watched movies, we listened to music pretty much all night. I mean, the sun came up. Um, I remember at one point we were on the couch, and I think maybe we had like a peck of a kiss at one point in a movie. So, like obviously, there was like, you know, that nervous attraction, and oh my gosh, this is new. It was sweet. Um, and then you know, the sun came up and it was time for us to both go to work. We had work the next day. So he did, and I did. I went back to my town where I lived and he texted me all day. And again, with the like the love bombing per se, I fell for it, of course, because I was like, Oh my gosh, how sweet! Like he's at work and he still wants to talk to me. He's around his friends and he still wants to talk to me. Like, he's so interested in me. He's asking me questions. And so my mom and brother and her boyfriend had come over that night or were coming over that night to grill. And I invited this guy over. I'm like, hey, we're grilling. Do you want to come over? And he's like, Yeah, I would love to see like how you grill things, and you know, I guess he was like testing me out, you know. Um, so he he he also asked me, he's like, should I should I bring a change of clothes? Of course, like to spend the night. And I got like a little nervous butterfly situation, and I was like, Well, I mean, that's up to you if you want to. And he did. And it wasn't until several years later that I looked back and I was like, this Joker never left my house. Like, I didn't even realize it at the time. I was like, You're telling me we hung out one night, and the next day, effectively, he moved in with me because it's true, he never there was from that moment on, there was not one night that we spent apart, and he moved into my house with me. Um, I was still very much like healing from a bunch of different things, and so it wasn't like we jumped into a physical relationship, it was it was spending time and similar interests, but sure enough, over time, like it became of course, it became a physical relationship, and then it became a marriage, and and things came of that. But looking back at that beginning portion, I'm like, that's crazy, right? Like, that's not normal.

SPEAKER_01 6:40

That is not normal.

SPEAKER_03 6:43

So, yeah, that's the whole beginning portion of the story. So, how long were you guys married? Um, let's see, 2012 to 2018 or nine. Well, I guess the divorce was final in 2019. So separated in 2018, but still legally married. So seven years of legal marriage. Um, and we met, you know, to give you context, the marriage was in 2012. We started dating in 2011.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

So well, I mean, I kind of like that same because with my daughter's dad, we met in July and he moved in in October, and that's when I found out I was pregnant. So it happened like really fast.

SPEAKER_03 7:28

Yep, same, same. Found out I was pregnant within months of starting to date this person.

SPEAKER_01 7:35

And then they just say so. What else happened in your relationship?

SPEAKER_03 7:42

Well, there were there were a few strange red flags in the beginning. Um, we would ride motorcycles together, and number one, he kept the motorcycle at a friend's house because I guess his parents didn't agree with him having the motorcycle. And so there was already like this secretive factor anytime we would like go enjoy these hobbies together. But there was also this girl that kept texting him and kept calling him. And there was one time in particular where I was in the car with him and he answered. And from the passenger seat, I could hear him her screaming at him, like, I know you have that a W-H-O-R-E on the back of your motorcycle. I I saw her in town, like you're riding her around, and I was like, What in the world? Who is this person? Like he and I had been like not dating, but he had been living with me for two months at that point. Um, and so he we pulled up at at my house and he was like, I just need a minute, and I'm like, Yeah, of course, like take your time, like I totally understand. So I gave him privacy and he I thought handled that situation. Well, come to find out way later, she was not aware that their relationship had ended. So he had he had told her that they should see other people, and that apparently was in response to her finding out that he had been cheating on her and all of these other things, and he was living with her in her house, so she, of course, set boundaries and was like, Listen, this is not okay. Like, you're not gonna treat me this way, you're not gonna run around with all these other people, and at which point he said, Listen, I think that we should see other people and and kind of see how that feels. So apparently I was one of those other people, unbeknownst to me. And I felt very, very bad for this girl after that. Like, I I don't know, it put me in a position that felt awful, but like I had to imagine the position that it put her in too. Like, I would be mad too if I saw my boyfriend of four or five years riding another girl around on his motorcycle. Like, that's awful. Yeah, but yeah, it's devastating and so disrespectful. But I I found out slowly through the course of our relationship that he really put himself out there as if he were single. There was there was another time that I I went on a beach trip with a very dear friend. It was my first time going on like an adult trip. I was so excited. We were gone for just the weekend, and the day we left, literally the day we left, he went to a local bar here that night, and I I already had a like kind of spidey senses tingling. I was like, something is off here. Like he doesn't go to bars, like what is happening? And the next thing I know, there is his he calls me and I answer, but it's not him, it's another girl that we went to school with, and she's giggling and laughing, and like there's loud music. Obviously, they're at the bar, and she's asking me questions about his bottom half of his body. That I'm like, why are you what is happening right now? Like, this is disrespectful. What would make a person think that they can call another person and ask questions about a body? Like, I don't know, it was very strange. Um, and so I hung up on her because I was like, this is causing feelings in me that I don't want to deal with right now. This is weird. And he called me back and was screaming at me and cussing at me for being rude to this girl. And I'm like asking about body parts, yes, yes, and I'm like, it's rude for me to hang up on a female calling me, asking me about your undercarriage. Like, please explain to me how I'm the rude one in this situation. So that same trip, um, I actually ended up having a years-long feud with a former dear friend because he indicated to me that there was mention of a threesome with these other two girls at the bar. And I believed his side of the story, and it wasn't again until years later that I talked to her, and she's like, No, that is not how that went down at all. And I'm so sad that we lost our friendship over that. Like he was basically like soliciting people at this bar, and so this was just a pattern that he kept up that I was in the dark for a long time, but I slowly also became more and more isolated into the relationship. So, for instance, you know, I stopped wanting to get up and go to my early second job, and so I got fired from that job because I was constantly getting pulled back into bed to cuddle him or to talk or snuggle. And so then, you know, I had less gas money to get around, and then I slowly stopped doing my classes at school because I wanted to hang out with him. So then I lost my scholarship and withdrew from school. And then my boss at my main job fired me because this boyfriend of mine would come and sit at my job for the duration of my shift in in the in the place of work behind the register to make sure that no other men were talking to me.

SPEAKER_01 12:58

Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_03 12:59

And my boss approached me and was like, This can't be happening, like you need to get a handle on this. And I'm like, No, I can't. Like, that's like you don't understand. Like, he's not gonna be okay with me saying you can't come sit at my work because you know, Maddie's friends get to come sit at work, and so he's like, Okay, well, I'm I'm gonna have to fire you then. So I'm like, Okay, well, so be it. Well, at that point, my landlord had also told me this guy has to pay rent. It's not fair that he's living here, I'm not charging him anything, like he needs to pay rent to. And I told her, I'm not gonna ask him to pay rent, like he's living here with me, I'll pay for him to live here, no worries. And this person cared about me deeply, and they were like, No, you're being taken advantage of. Like, no, if if he's not gonna pay rent, he needs to get out. So at that point, I said, Well, if he goes, I go. So I lost my place to live, I lost my job, and as a result of losing my job, I lost my car. So we moved in with another friend of mine, and we lived there for probably three or four months, maybe. And eventually she told me, Listen, you guys fighting is getting to be too much. You cry all the time. I'm tired of seeing you cry. He's punching holes in my wall. I'm tired of listening to you fight. You he's gotta go. And again, this friend cared about me. And again, I said, Well, if he goes, I go. And she's like, Okay, like I hate to lose a friendship over this, but bye.

SPEAKER_01 14:29

So I have a question about when he was waiting outside your job. So, did he not have a job?

SPEAKER_03 14:36

Is that why he had eight hours or he did, but he worked early in the morning and I worked in the evening, and so when he would get off his job, he would ride the motorcycle and come sit at my job.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

That is crazy.

SPEAKER_03 14:49

At the time, though, I was like, So sweet, he wants to come spend time with me, right? That's funny. So, and you put two and two together also, like he would come sit, and every hour on the hour, he would be like, Okay, it's time for a cigarette break. And I'm like, this before prior to him, like I would maybe smoke a cigarette here and there socially, which thankfully now I haven't in years, and you know, I'm grateful for that. But looking back, the the influence that this relationship had on my life just was endless because here I am smoking a cigarette every hour because this person wanted me to come outside and sit with him and be away from you know prying eyes and ears, and it became a habit. So you just look back and you see things, and you're like, that truly wasn't healthy.

SPEAKER_01 15:38

Like what at all, at all.

SPEAKER_03 15:43

Yeah. So I exhausted my friendships and we moved in with his mom in the town where I went to school, the town that I really had wanted to get away from, a very small town, very everyone knows everyone's business, and then the next thing I was pregnant.

SPEAKER_01 16:01

Yeah, that and that's like, well, I have to stay now.

SPEAKER_03 16:05

Yeah, it's so crazy. The day that I found out I was pregnant, I was literally on my way. Oh, okay, hang on, back it up. When I went on that beach trip, when he went to the bar and had all those other stories from other females, that same trip, he decided to go back and visit that ex, the one who was so mad about me being on his motorcycle. Now, the reason he decided to go back and visit her was because one night he and I were drinking and he got emotional and he was crying to me about how he had cheated on her with six different girls over the course of the last two years. And I was like, dude, you've got to tell her this. Like, she deserves to know this. And I believed like you're such a good person, like you clearly feel bad about this. Like, you should go just own up, get it off your chest, let her have closure. You guys can move on in peace. Like, you should go tell her. And so he did just that, but he waited for me to go out of town to go do so, and he also took some alcohol with him to her house, and so of course, they ended up being together that night while I was gone. And then the next morning, he took her out to eat for breakfast, and so while I was like FaceTiming him and texting him, he was being really like shady about what was going on with his breakfast situation. So I found out months later that he had cheated on me with her, and I was in the process of leaving him. Now, at this point, I did have a car again. My stepdad had helped me find and get just an old beat-up Jeep, which was great. Um, but I I was kind of struggling. I mean, I had gone from two jobs to no job to school to no school. I had even contacted an ex and was like, listen, this guy is is abusive. Like, I need help getting out of this situation. And they were like, I can't, I'm sorry. So I felt very stuck. Um, so my last attempt was to contact my mom, who if you've heard me on any other podcast, you would be like, You did what? Like, what? But I'm like, I gotta get out of here. So I'll I will go live with my mom just to get back on my feet. And I was literally on my way to her house, took a sip of my coffee, got nauseous, and was like, oh no, oh no. Like I knew it was not a nausea that I had ever felt before. And I took six pregnancy tests and they were positive. And you know, I've wondered over the years, like, what would happen if I had still just gone and lived with my mom and never told him? Like he would never know. But I have three kids with him, not just the one. So I would never, I would never, I would go back and I would do it all again just for my kids. But I did. I told him that I was pregnant and his face lit up and he seemed so happy. And I convinced myself, like, this is the right thing to do. Like, he's clearly happy about this baby. But about halfway through the pregnancy, well, no, I guess it wasn't halfway, it was only a couple months. Um, he mentioned abortion. And I was like, no, absolutely not. Like, no, I will raise this baby on my own, but I'm not aborting this baby. And he he was trying to like be reasonable, like we live with my mom, we're broke, we're da-da-da-da-da. And I'm like, no. So that was when I look back and I see that sign. So we ended up, we did get a house. We we got a trailer not far down the road from his mom, and we had our baby, and and I was just in bliss, right? I mean, he's at work every day, and I'm at home with this beautiful, beautiful creation, this beautiful human. And I was like, let's have one more. Like, this is I could just do this, I could be happy, and this could be the perfect life. And he agreed, and very soon after we got pregnant with a baby girl, and again, looking back, I saw a Facebook post years later where people were congratulating us on this baby girl, and one of his comments says, Thanks. We actually got stupider and planned this one. Oh wow. And I'm like, why did I not see this in the moment? Why did I not see this in the moment? So between baby two and baby three, the physical abuse escalated. You know, I was in a wrist brace, I was strangled, I was up against things, I was held over couches by my by my neck. I was a surrogate, so I carried other people's babies too. And, you know, this stuff was happening in in the midst of pregnancies. Like it was it was not a good situation. And I wasn't my best either. I mean, I fought back, I screamed, I criticized, I all the things that we do, or things that we can do when we're in these situations. And so I left him in the middle of the night one night, me and and the babies just packed up and left. And he came home from work. At that point, he had started working night shift, and we were gone. And he he kind of gave up on asking me where we went after a while, and then he kind of gave up on asking anything, and it was a month of us being gone before he even asked about one of the children. He was trying to get to come be with me and and sleep with me in that way, be intimate, but I I counted it. It was a month before he even asked about one of the kids, and it was our son. He never asked about our daughter, and so that that was something I noticed later. So I gave in and I let him come over, and sure enough, soon after we were pregnant with baby number three, and that one, he was so upset about that one that when I found out and told him, he asked me to bring home a huge thing of Jim Beam because he was that upset about finding out that there was a third child. He really didn't want any more children. So here I am, you know, seven years post separation from him, and literally the other day. After talking to you and agreeing to come on the show, I was looking through old texts in my phone, like pictures and screenshots and deleting some things. And I saw text where we were arguing way back when. I mean, I have all the texts on my phone from 2016 on, and I'm keeping them because one day, if there's another girl that he's abusing and comes to me and is like, listen, was it like this for you? I'll say, here, yeah, read it. Because I don't want it to just be my word, you know. I I want it to see, look, see for yourself because that's the only way you'll believe it. Um, but I saw a text where he we were arguing and he said to me, I never even wanted any of those children. You pushed me into having all of those children. You surprised me with one of them. You know, I didn't even know that it was a time that you could get pregnant, and that's on you. These are your kids. I don't really want them.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

So he's not involved at all.

SPEAKER_03 22:52

Um, no, he he actually is now. He um after the separation, it seemed like he kind of lived his own life and and started seeing someone else and got them on mostly every other weekend, not always. They would refuse a lot of times, and and that was fine. He didn't make them. Um, but when I told him that we were moving out of state a few years ago, he filed for full custody. Um, we went to court. It took a long time, but he lost. But at that point, he started calling them every single day. He started getting them for all of his visitation that he had previously not used. He suddenly started taking an interest in their schooling and their homeschooling and their medical and all these things that he had never had anything to do with. Um, and then a situation happened that I reported and the law was involved, and I do not take domestic violence lightly. I report it. I'm always going to. And as a result of that, we went back to court. He filed for full custody again. And because of the nature of the children refusing to go see him for so many years and me not forcing them, and because of the nature of me getting the law involved on my children's father, which apparently is frowned upon, um, the court decided that I was trying to alienate my children and brainwash them to hate him. And so they took my children and gave them to him, and he has full placement. And so my kids went from being with me from the day they were born to now they I get to see them four days a month and then some weeks for holidays, um, out of nowhere, literally out of nowhere. And I have, again, I have all the court documents, I have all the text over the years, I have everything to show that this story of alienation and brainwashing is not true, was never true, and that he was the one that walked away and didn't have much to do with them. Because, you know, when we when you're in a situation like this, obviously at the time I got emotional and that makes you look crazy. But now looking back, I'm like, no, like I have the evidence that's needed. And if anyone, even if the kids, when they're 18, if they look back and question it, it's like, here, this read for yourself. This is his words in court. I have the transcript. He walked away because he emotionally couldn't handle being a father at the time. And I have this on paper, but you know, people believe what they believe in the moment, and I only pieced all of this together looking back when it felt like it was kind of too late.

SPEAKER_01 25:18

Well, I really enjoyed you telling your story, and I absolutely want to have you again for a part two. So, SDK fam, we will see you on the next episode.

SPEAKER_00 25:38

You belong. She didn't know. She didn't know.