Kim's Truth

SDK sister Kim shares her story of leaving a narcissistic, abusive and cheating husband and finding a new journey of helping other women do the same.

Kim's Contact Info

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Thank you for listening: If you want to be a guest or want me to tell your story, questions or comments please email me at Shedidntknowpodcast@gmail.com

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My Tiktok page: Katching up with Ash @katchingupwithash

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:19

Welcome back to Etika Wednesdays with your girl. Today we have another yeah, so let's get into Etikay Story Time.

SPEAKER_03 0:31

Every taste is the we've got the story time now. We'll talk, real laugh. Let me show you how. Every taste is a story time with ad.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

All right, today we have Miss Kim. Welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_02 1:05

Hi, it's nice to be here.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Thank you for agreeing to come on. And you can tell your story whenever you're ready.

SPEAKER_00 1:15

Um, so Ash found me from a viral post of whenever I realized I married a narcissist that was a serial cheater, like most narcissists are. So just a little bit of backstory. Um I met my ex-husband or dating my ex-husband at the age of 19. Um, and I was officially divorced and left by 29. Um we were married, pull on backstory. We had our son in August of 2019. Um we then got married in October of 2019, and during that time period, I was also battling um watching my dad wither away from his battle with colon cancer. Um, so after I went ahead and got married, my dad passed in November, and then in March of 2020, um, I found out that I was pregnant again. And mentally I just was not there. Uh I was really struggling with postpartum. I had some complications whenever I had my son that caused my leg to feel numb, almost like it was a limp. I walked with a limp until it eventually came back. But I was also grieving my dad. Um, and I didn't think I was in a position to have another kid. Um, I know now that if I had an actual supportive partner, I probably wouldn't have felt like that. But I felt like most of the burden was on me with my son, and I just didn't feel like I could do that. So I went in, um, I went ahead and I scheduled my OB's appointment. I didn't know how far along I was because I was not having cycles due to me breastfeeding my son. And I went ahead and I told my doctor how I was feeling and that he probably wasn't going to see this through. Uh, he was like, Well, let me at least try to get you an ultrasound so we can see how far you are, so we know what your options are. So I got my ultrasound that day, and they went ahead and put my probe on my stomach, and then I realized that it was twins. Um not only were they twins, they shared a birthday with my one of my big brothers. That is very significant to me because my son that is here also shares a birthday with my deceased brother. So all of my kids were going to share a birthday with one of my older siblings. Also, very funny, I'll throw it in there that I also share a birthday with my nephew. So that was just dividing me. Um, I went ahead and I from that day, I just felt like it was meant for me to have those kids. I always wanted twins, and I just tried to figure out and mentally just start preparing to have three children uh under two. Um, and obviously, if you dealt with pregnancy, you went to an OB, they're gonna run a standard STD panel. And obviously, OB did. And then the next day came from there, and my OB's office called me. I was at work, and he, the nurse, gets on the phone and she's like, Hey, Miss Such and Such. And I was like, Yeah, what's going on? Um, they were like, We need you to come back in. And obviously, I'm thinking something was wrong. They found something wrong in the scan, something wasn't right. SEDs were the furthest thing from my mind whenever my doctor called me back. Um, and she the nurse went ahead and said, Hey, uh, you tested positive for chrominia, gonorrhea, and trichomonis. We need you to come back in to get treated. Um it felt like my world stood still. Um, I know that I hadn't been with anybody other than my husband since I was 19. Um, my baby was about five to six months old. Um I just got married. I I every everything came crashing down in that moment. Um, and I'm sure if you ever had bad news, you you felt that heart to stomach thing happen. And I called my ex-husband and I'm like, is there anything you want to tell me? Um, I then go ahead and say, you know, I just tested positive for those three STDs, and I haven't been with anybody since I've been with you. He immediately gets angry, like a true narcissist would, and starts accusing me. How do I not know that you didn't do this? Um, you came into this insecure, uh, you're always accusing me of something, and then he hangs up on me. I try to go back into work. Um, obviously that did not work. Uh, I then go home. I leave work from there. I go home. Um, and I grab what bottle box that we had left. I had my duty weapon on the side of me. I was a chair's deputy at the time, and I had a bottle of pills. Um, and I'm dealing with the grief of my dad, and I'm finding out this this this news that just rocked my world. And, you know, I'm still dealing with the grief of my brother. You know, I don't think you really are done grieving, it just shows up differently. And I'm rocking back and forth, and I'm rocking back and forth. And I'm just saying, I want to go meet my dad, I want to go meet my brother, I want to go meet my dad, I want to go meet my brother. Um, and he finally comes in from work and he is just he's tearing shit up. Like he's throwing our pictures down, punching walls, and I'm sitting there like I'm the one that just found out I had three STDs. What the hell is going on? Um, I wasn't very aware of what narcissism was at the time, so I had no idea that this was just all normal cycle. So from there, um he does not admit anything. Uh takes three days for him to come up with a lie, which occurred after I finally dug inside of his insurance paperwork, uh, his portal that I had set up. And he I found his paperwork and it showed that he treated himself in January of 2020. Um, keep in mind we are in March of 2020, so he treated himself months prior, continued to have sex with me. Um bringing up the fact that I was still breastfeeding, um, he also got reinfected because he continuously had sex with me. That is crazy. Yeah, yeah. Um, I don't know why he thought that, I don't know, his meds would still be working, or maybe he thought that I didn't have anything. But yeah, um he then popped hot again. Uh obviously, I knew that was gonna happen. We were having unprotected sex hence the pregnancy. And uh he then day three, after I show him the insurance papers, he still is like, I don't even know what you're talking about. What is that? What are you showing me? And I'm like, these are your insurance papers from your portal. Um, you you treated yourself, you you took the test in January. Um, he then was like, Well, I'm gonna I'm going to my brother's. Can can I just talk? Can you just rise me? And I'm like, I don't have anything to say to you. You've been lying to my face for three days, which I already knew what you were you were lying. I hadn't slept with anybody in I don't know how many years. Um, and then he goes ahead and sends me this text message saying that he cheated um at his bachelor party back in October of 2019 and that it was a one-time thing, and that he wasn't, you know, having an affair or just cheating constantly. Uh also want to go ahead and put in a pin. We were in the same city for our bachelor and bachelorette party. I seen him that night. Um, and yeah, that is how I found out about those things. Um at that time I did think it was a one-time thing. I was very naive, I was very green, I had no earthly idea that it was multiple people. I didn't find out later on because he stuck to the story that it was one time, one girl, that's it. And he kept with that story, like he did not fault that story at all. Um I didn't find out way later until the TF came out that how bad it was. Um, there were multiple people on there saying that he burned them, so he gave them STDs as well, um, that he was running people running women through our apartment that we had together, further back, running people through through the house that we had together as well. Um, and that this was a long spending thing. It wasn't just one time. Um, till this day, he'll go around and say that I was a person that cheated on him, that I broke up our family. Um, and I didn't know the specific practices of, like I said, narcissism and what happens. But now that I did, I am educated on narcissism and looking back through the span of our entire 10-year relationship, everything just fit. How the emotional abuse got worse after every milestone that we had. Um, the first time we moved in together, when we bought our house, when I had the baby, when we got married, it just the mask just constantly slipped. And marriage was that last full-on mask off event. So I guess he felt like, okay, while all these things are in, she's not gonna leave. It's too hard for her to leave. Now I can have a field day. And I think that that's whenever he just got sloppy, and it didn't matter anymore because he felt like I was I was never gonna leave.

SPEAKER_01 13:16

And how long were you guys married?

SPEAKER_00 13:19

Uh so we were married from 2019, our divorce was finalized in 24, if I'm not mistaken. Um, but we were together for for a full combination of 10 years.

SPEAKER_01 13:42

And so once you got divorced, and you say he's still like blaming the whole divorce on you?

SPEAKER_00 13:50

Yeah, um, I've heard multiple people, um, multiple people come back and tell me. Actually, we used to work together, right? So I was a sheriff's deputy, he was a sheriff's deputy. So it was a rumor that started around um that he was going around telling people that I was the abusive one that I used to hit on him, um, that I was the one that was cheating on him. Um, and I was the person that broke up our family. And I obviously I still had very good friends that that worked there that fatherly told me that I was going around. But it wasn't just there. It was people that I had, I didn't know. Um, people that he thinks that are are still very loyal to him and very are friends to him that came back and told me what he was what he was telling other people. Um, which I do was a tactic he was going to use because he had to the mothers of his kids, he did the same thing whenever he got with me, blamed them for everything, and then he was scop-free, or he would say the things that he did, and it was like, but I tried to fix it. I, you know, I I understand the role that I did, I tried to fix it. Um so he went ahead and he he smeared campaign. That's what what narcissists use. So, but he had gotten in front of that way before I started telling my story. So I didn't know he was saying all these things. It just finally got back to me whenever I finally started having the nerve to actually tell people everything that I had gone up to and that that I had taken, should I say. And by that time, they were just like, oh, he was going around telling everybody that you cheated on him. And I'm like, oh well, towards the end, I did send some inappropriate text messages, but that had nothing compared to the things that I had taken. And whenever I I sent those text messages, because I never physically cheated, that's when I knew I had to leave because I didn't care about anything anymore. I had completely turned numb. I was just hurt, like it just kept happening. So I stayed after the the cheating, the STDs. I stayed. Um, there was an event that happened on July 4th. We had took our kids to a uh like a fireworks display, and we left the fireworks display, and his phone connected to his Bluetooth in the in the in his truck. And he had gotten down with the kids. I couldn't see that he was on the phone. I think he had a hoodie on, or maybe he had the phone on the other ear, but he didn't realize that he was still in close enough connection to his truck. And there was a woman yelling on the phone saying you ghosted me for four effing days. Um emotionally invested. Like this wasn't just a little knockoff. She was screaming his full government name, saying he ghosted me for four effing days, so on and so forth. It was after that incident that I was like, this is this is him, this wasn't a one-time thing. This is who he is, and he's gonna continue doing this to me. Um that night, that night I was calm, unlike the first time I found out about him cheating, and I was just like, hey, you know, we have a kid together, we're gonna figure this out, but I'm gone. Uh that was an abusive episode followed that because he knew that he was losing control. I wasn't emotional. Um that night he told me that I wasn't, I was, I wasn't gonna be shit like my mom. I wasn't gonna be. I'm sorry. I don't know why that stuff gets me so emotional. I think it's just because those words are just things that I wouldn't ever tell like my worst enemy. So he said that I was weak like my mom, uh, which I had in, you know, confided in him that my mom stayed through some infidelities and I never wanted to do that. He told me I wasn't gonna be shit like my dad, who had just passed away, um, and that nobody was ever gonna want me. And after that night, all bets were off. I I I texted him that, hey, we're this is gonna work because I knew I was never gonna look at him the same. And if you could use my past and things that I confided in you and disrespect my dad, knowing that I'm still grievous and do all those things, you're you're you're a special type of evil. Um, I say in a month after that, that's whenever I sent those text messages or replied to the text messages, somebody coming on to me. And after you brought those text messages, I gotta go because I'm turning into you. And I'm betraying my my morals, my values, because I've been hurt so much that this is pointless. This is I'm turning into somebody I don't recognize anymore. And I went ahead and I moved out from there.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

Thank you for being so honest. Um yeah, I don't I'm sorry you had to go through that. That is a lot.

SPEAKER_00 19:30

It was a lot in a very short amount of time. Um and through the entirety of our 10-year span, there were things. And I I I feel like people say, Oh, well, I'm sure you had red flags. Yeah, um the red flags don't mean anything whenever you're in an abusive relationship, specifically a narcissistic uh abuse relationship, because they are the torturers and the remedies, so bad behavior was always followed by great behavior, the guy would show back up, which causes so much confusion in a victim. And people think, oh, you know, I used to be one of those those girls, you know, like you know, why you why are you staying? Like, you treat me like that, why are you there? Until you get in it and you realize the complete mind. It's like mind control. Things that I would see, I didn't believe because he was so convincing. Like it, I I couldn't believe that anybody could lie that well. Because I'm terrible at lying. I was caught within a week of sending text messages, you know. Like I don't even, I don't even know the game and how it goes. Um so whenever I would see things and I would bring them up, it was just like a like another day in the neighborhood. It just it never dawned on me that somebody could lie that calmly and lie on the drop of a dime like that and gaslight me to make me believe that what I saw wasn't what I saw. I just didn't know people like that existed. And this is my first real relationship. I had no prior experience. Um I I was just prime meat for a narcissist. I was naive, you know, love is love, and that's all you need to get by. And it took a while to understand what happened to me because I came into this strong, independent. I was in school, I worked two jobs, um, I didn't have any children. I just couldn't imagine somebody dismantling me for all those years, knowing that I was smarter than that. But going Over what narcissists narcissists do and how they work and how they will and deal. It's it's tact it's tactical. Um the dismantling it starts piece by piece and how far they can get away with things and then showing up as a good guy. They go after those type of people because it gets them off knowing that they dismantled that person. And it's it's just a sick game. It's a sick game, and it has changed me. I'm not gonna lie, you know, people I'm not the same person that I was prior to going through all of those things and all those traumatic events. Um, we were still going through custody court, then my mom passed away, and there was no remorse there, you know. Like it I lost my mom, I lost my dad, and there was just like, man, I really buried this person. Like he didn't come in to see my mom. Like that was his mother-in-law for very long, you know, for a while. It's it's it's it's just a lot. It was a lot, and it was a lot to take on. Um co-parenting is still a lot because once you know a narcissist and you unmask them, they're angry, and whenever you start talking about the things that you went through, that makes them more angry because now their their image is being tarnished, and that's all they care about is their image and their ego. Um so that that's that's what I have to deal with. Uh I can really talk about so many, so many things um in that span, but that's whenever I woke up a little bit, and it was very hard to ignore things from there because I knew he was capable of that. It made me question all the years prior, all the things that I questioned, and he smoothed over. Um, I also say in that video that it had to be something so drastic because I had those rose-colored glasses on when it came to him. He could do no wrong. I had no reason to believe that he needed anything else because I felt like I was doing everything that I was supposed to do as a wife, you know, earning the tricks and cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids. I took care of his two kids that he came into the relationship with. Um and it it it made me wake up. It made me wake up, and that's that's just where I am now. And I just want anybody to know that it's dealing with a narcissist that it does not get better. Those little good times that you have in between the episodes are manipulation. Um it even after I left and moved out, there was still back and forth because I was like, oh, he's getting it. Oh, he understands. I didn't understand that a narcissist never changes, they just get better at their game.

SPEAKER_01 25:24

That is absolutely true.

SPEAKER_00 25:27

Yeah, they just get better and better at manipulating you because they know what you're looking for. Because nine out of ten, their victim is a normal person, you know, they're discussing their needs and and what whatever the case may be. And going back to that night where he told me those things, I would bring it up, and I'm like, I never healed from that. And it went from, well, every time you tell that story, it changes. And I'm like, no, it hasn't. Like, I know what I'm telling you because I I vividly remember it. It was a traumatic event for me. Um, and then you'll go from, oh, it never happened, like it didn't happen like that, or I'm telling you that I just don't remember it. It was just once again, more gaslighting, more, you know, oh, you're gonna leave me like everybody else did. It just the manipulation just went on and on and on, and it it just it just got worse until I finally said, This is enough. This is enough. He started trying to triangulate me with mood supply, and then I realized that this was something that he did with one of the other mothers of his kid with me, and I'm like, this is a cycle that you have been, this is a pattern. You haven't been with the mothers of your kids since I don't know how long, and you're doing the exact same thing to me that you did to one of them. And I'm like, this is this is a scary pattern to be able to see it now. Because I've you know, I started discussing everything with the mother of his kid and getting her side of the story because obviously he made her seem crazy, like he made me seem crazy. Um, and I'm like, this is 15 years worth of patterns at this point, and it's not going to change. This is who you are, and that's whenever I finally was able to say, Hey, no, this is it. I broke my foot leaving his place for the last time. Um, because I found a girl, like he begged for me to go back home one day, and I was like, Okay, maybe he finally understands. I'm still not grasping everything, I'm not. I go to his bathroom, and there was a bathroom drawer with just feminine things, coconut oil, makeup removal wipes, so on and so forth, you know, caress in the shower. And I'm like, wait, did I just help my husband cheat on his new girlfriend? I don't even know what's going on. That was my final straw. That's when I that's when that's when I was like, oh, he's he's plotting to triangulate me with her. And I I've seen this story before as the new supply. And I knew I had to, you know, because it was just gonna keep it going. The cycle was just going to keep going, and the cycle was just not going to stop, and it was just gonna continue. I was gonna be the bitter baby mom that he secretly was still leading on, which is what he did with the other mother of his kid, sharing her story. Um, while he had this new girlfriend who, you know, she stated I was bitter, she's a baby mama now. Um, they didn't work out already. Uh and yeah, the cycle was just gonna continue. And that's just once you realize the pattern and you can't you can't unsee it, that was that was it for me. And I felt like my ancestors threw me down the stairs that day, actually. I was like, girl, I told you to stop going back over there and I listened. I listened to God.

SPEAKER_01 29:05

I did have a couple questions. So have you done other podcasts and told this story?

SPEAKER_00 29:12

No, this is the first time, actually. Um, I actually did get reached out. I have another one tomorrow. Uh, you guys hit me up in the same week, and I was like, okay.

SPEAKER_01 29:21

Well, thank you for coming on. I'm the first one. Awesome. Um, so you said you co-parent with him. How how does that work? Does he get them like every other weekend or so?

SPEAKER_00 29:34

We have a 60-40 custody split. Um he I'm going to I still document a lot. I didn't want to say that. Um I I know that my son How do I put this? He's six. He loves the daddy. Um, he doesn't recognize the emotional abuse, he doesn't recognize the manipulation just yet. Um, but I was recently on a vacation and I called to check on him. And you know, I said, Hey, I miss you, babe. I miss you, mom misses you. And he was like, That's it, I can't miss you.

unknown 30:23

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 30:25

And our son has a language disorder, so he can't just spit things out like a normal six-year-old, right? He he doesn't make up things because it takes him a longer time to process. I know it's something that he had to hear to repeat. And I said, It's okay, baby. Yeah, so I said, It's okay, baby. Um, mama misses you. And I I I automatically hear him go crazy in the background. I'm like, why would you lie and say that? Um, you're starting all kind of confusion. Our baby is six, keep in mind. Um, and he is just going off in the background, and that's when I'm like, okay, he's gonna get yelled at. This is he used to do this with me. He's gonna get yelled at. That's why I went ahead and said, Hey, baby, it's fine. Mommy's gonna call you back. I'm gonna see you and I'll see you on Friday. So I hang up the phone. He calls me back. Other than whenever my son is not with me, he is blocked. I do not have verbal communication. We communicate email only for court purposes. Um, I tried to do a co-parenting app. He said that he wasn't doing it because the court ordered and said he had to do it. Um, so I said, okay, well, they said email was fine. You're going to be contacting me through email. Um, and I will contact you if there's an emergency. But other than that, we are going to email only. And he calls me back just so I can hear him plus at our kid. And that's emotional abuse all in itself. And I'm just like, that doesn't mean that I don't believe my son. I know how you are. You're you're manipulating him through fear. Of course, he's gonna say, You never said that. You keep telling him I didn't say that. So that is how co-parenting works with him. He's very much a performative parent. Once again, he's a narcissist, he likes to focus on his image. So he looks like a great father from the outside in. Um he looked like a great father whenever I got with him until he wasn't, until you realize, oh, he that's how he gets you. And then you realize that, oh, he's not really that great. Um, so co-parenting is very difficult. Uh, we're email only. Um, I'm trying my best to get my kid into therapy right now because I know I know how it affects his older kids because I still have a relationship with them. Um, and they didn't have to be with him that much. He never fought for custody of his other two children. He just decided to do this with me. Um, so they didn't have a schedule like I have with him, and he didn't have to be there. They didn't have to be there as much as my kid has to. So co-parenting is very difficult, and I try my best to keep my emotions out of it um while communicating with him as little as I I have to.

SPEAKER_01 33:22

And that was gonna be another question. Are you I don't wanna say nervous, but do you feel some type of way that the kids will pick up his habits?

SPEAKER_00 33:35

That does make me nervous, um especially since he is a boy, uh, with the overflow of women that has been around him since. Um another reason why I feel like he's going that I'm I'm putting him in therapy. Um the only thing that I can hold on to is that he's half of me and make sure that he has enough positive influences as far as males go from my side so I can combat it, and that's all I can do right now.

SPEAKER_01 34:19

I understand that. Um, okay, so if people want to contact you, how can they contact you?

SPEAKER_00 34:27

Um they can find me on TikTok. Um, my TikTok handle is underscore full f u l underscore of O F underscore SAS S-A-S-S. Um, I also have Instagram. That is the same handle. So you can find me that way on both both uh platforms.

SPEAKER_01 34:53

And of course, I'm gonna put that in the description as well. So I want to say thank you for coming on. Thank you for me being your first podcast. Um and thank you for being so vulnerable.

SPEAKER_00 35:08

You're very welcome. My my viewpoint on my story is that if I can help one person feel like they're not alone going through narcissistic abuse, going through infidelity during their marriage, um I don't mind being that scapegoat. I don't mind telling my story, I don't mind the embarrassment, I don't mind the odds, I don't mind the spectacle if I can help one person. And sharing my story has done that. I had a flood of DMs um with people telling their story, whether they don't feel comfortable telling it towards, you know, to anybody in their real life, if you will, um saying that my story gave them strength to to leave because they've been dealing with it. And that's that's the only purpose I had whenever I decide to share. And I'm I'm I'm good with that. Turning that pain into purpose is it's it's a okay with me.

SPEAKER_01 36:02

That is amazing. Thank you so much. And with that, we'll end this episode and SDK family. I'll see you next Wednesday.

SPEAKER_02 36:20

Yo, it's asked on the mic, we out, that's the end. If you felt this one, hit that telephone. Thanks for riding with me every take, every dance. See you next Wednesday, SDK fan. See you next Wednesday, lock in again. Ask on your airway, lock in my friend. Thank you for the day within. See you next Wednesday, SDK fan