Tandile's Truth

SDK sister Tandile tells her story of surviving being sexually abused by her father and on her journey to let other survivors know they are not alone.

Tandile's Contact Info

Instagram and Tiktok

@tandile.j

Podcast Instagram

@takebackpleasure_

Thank you for listening: If you want to be a guest or want me to tell your story, questions or comments please email me at Shedidntknowpodcast@gmail.com

My Tiktok page: Katching up with Ash @katchingupwithash

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Welcome back to SDK Wednesdays with your girl Ash. And I want to say thank you for tuning in today for today's episode. And we have a guest. So let's get into SDK story time.

SPEAKER_02 0:34

SDK Space. Yeah, we got it. SDK story time with air.

SPEAKER_00 1:04

And we have Tandile. Welcome to the show. Thank you. I really appreciate you having me. And you can go ahead and tell your story. So my name is Tandile.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

I am a birth worker. I'm a sexuality educator. I'm also a violence prevention advocate. I'm from Virginia, Southeast Virginia, and North Carolina, but right now I live in Harlem. Harlem is my home for as long as I can see. Might have been a little bit fuzzy on the beginning there because you know she was just very young. And after that, I was separated from my mother by the family policing system or what we know as like the family court system. And so getting into that, my mom got pregnant with me in February of 2002. She kind of was in a brief relationship with my dad. But actually at the time that she found out she was pregnant, she had already, you know, broke things off with him because she had kind of come to the conclusion that he didn't care about her. He didn't have any feelings for her, and that she felt that she was being treated as a sex object. And I say all this to say because there are different things over the years as I've grown, as I've become an adult, that I that I realize are pieces of my story and pieces of, you know, just things that went wrong or ways that I was not protected or couldn't have been protected because of certain systems that were in place. So that's why I share that from before I was born because my father did continue to abuse my mother. I won't get into those details because that's not necessarily my story. But during her pregnancy, he continued to abuse her. And so she eventually left for good at four months pregnant. She ended up coming back and did maintain contact with him because she had the feeling that she wanted her child to have a relationship with her father. And you know, that's something that I have struggled with because as I learn more about my father and the person that he is, and um the way that he moves and sees things, um, it's hard to, you know, accept that that is a person who raised me. This is a person who um I don't believe has any real feelings for anyone except for maybe a few people in his life. Um, but anyway, I'm getting off topic. So when the abuse began, like I said, I was a little under two years old, and really my dad just took opportunities, visitations, right, that he would have with me. He visited me at that time, um, two weekends a month, because at the time, um, you know, I was living in Virginia with my mom, and my dad lived in St. Louis at uh University of Um, not University of Washington, I'm sorry, um, Washington University in St. Louis. Um, and he was a professor there. And so he would fly in every two weeks to visit me, take me to, you know, museums. We also he is his side of the family also, you know, we have family over there um where my mom lives. So, you know, he would take me over to see them. Um, he would take me to the museum, he would take me to the aquarium, Chuck E. Cheese, whatever. A lot of things that you would consider, like, you know, just a loving father, like things a loving father would do. Um one something about me as a child was that I always had a disposable camera walking around with me because I love to take pictures. Um, and so there are a lot of pictures of me from that time that I would take myself. I would take my own little selfies or um pictures that I just took of what I was doing of just things around me that I thought were cool. Um, at a really age, at like maybe like three or four, I started doing that. Um so really from the outside, this seems like, you know, what should be an amicable arrangement, you know, co-parenting arrangement, but um really this man just took the opportunity of these visitations to abuse the child, which was me. Um, and so he, you know. Sorry, one second. So the abuse was very routine. Um, especially between 2004 and 2007. Um it was very routine. Um again, uh sexual assault against a minor is never easy to talk about, and it's even harder to talk about when it's like it's you.

SPEAKER_00 7:09

Well, this is a safe space, so just take your time. Yeah, I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 7:17

Um, trigger warning, I'll just say this like you know, descriptions of sexual assault against a minor. Um so yeah, this person just really took a lot of opportunities when he was in Virginia staying with family um on overnight visits or even during day visits during nap time or during bath time, um that the opportunities that he would take to abuse me um in all different kinds of ways. Um and of course, you know, as a very young child, I started to sort of show symptoms that something was happening to me. I had a lot of night terrors as like starting when I was around, yeah, two, I would say. Um, I would dissociate. My mom would see me staring off into space um and just be unresponsive. Um, I had a lot of pain, you know, pelvic pain, pain in my um, you know, my vaginal area, pain in my anal area, pain on my legs and arms sometimes from different things that he would do. Um, and so I just had a lot of symptoms growing up, but of course, um my mother is the only person that I ever told, and it took several months for me at two years old to say what was happening. Um, and it was just three little words, daddy hurt me. And that is always something that I've remembered because it was so hard to wrap my head around that. Um, but I told her, and you know, the unfortunate thing about, but it's purposeful, unfortunate but purposeful thing about the family policing system is of course at this point my mother and father have a custody agreement, right? So on that custody agreement, he's supposed to come, you know, these twice a month, and by law, she has to my mother has to give him to me for that amount of time. I'm sorry, give me to him for that amount of time. And so there's really nothing that she can do because she can't prove, um, she can't quote unquote prove that that he is doing this, even though I'm showing all of these symptoms. Um, and so she was, you know, taking two different doctors when I would complain of pain, like she got me a therapist. She really advocated for me to be safe and to try and change this custody order so that I did not have to keep going back there because I would always ask her when I was little. I mean, you know, I don't want to go, I don't want to go. You know, I'm always telling her, I don't want to go, I don't want to go. And she's like, you have to like, you know, you have to tell one of the helpers, like a teacher, a doctor, something what's happening, um, so that we can make it so you don't have to go. But of course, as a two, three-year-old, you don't really understand a custody order, right? So I was terrified to tell anyone, and I don't even think because again, I didn't really understand what I was going through. I couldn't understand what he was doing, and and so I think it was very difficult for me to tell anyone about it, and I did end up telling, you know, some of the aunties in my life about the abuse. Um, but unfortunately, the you know, they did not have that power to um to change it, right? Or to change my situation. And so my mother ended up public, like not publicly, but in court, you know, just advocating for full custody to me because of this abuse. Um, of course, because she cannot prove it, the court um eventually grants him full custody, and not just because she can't prove it, but also because my father spent a lot of money and put a lot of time into maintaining an appearance of you know, a loving father. He married a woman, um, my stepmother. Um during this court court case, or not court case, but um, I mean it is a case, but you know what I mean. During this whole custody battle, he um got with my stepmother and married her. Um, I believe that was largely for appearances to appear, you know, very family oriented to the court. Um, and then also by defaming my mother and just slandering her, calling her crazy, using um her diagnoses of depression and anxiety against her to try and discredit her and say that she was crazy and that she was making things out of nothing, that she was taking me to the doctor for nothing. Um, and so he won full custody. And I then was seeing my mother every, you know, every two weeks. Um, and so at five or four years old, I was removed from my home. Um, at the time we were living, me and my mother were living with my grandmother, so it was all of us in one house. Um, and my cousin Meleta, who was we were very close at that age. And so I was removed from my home at that time, um, and went to live with my dad. Um who and I want to say that was like 2007, 2008. Um, and during that time, the abuse did continue, um, but it changed. Um, the quote unquote, not the severity, but the things that he was doing were different. Um and eventually he told me that he was taking a break from touching me. Um, and then he never touched me again. And I don't know if that was because I was getting, you know, too old that you know I would remember too much, that I would say something, or that now, you know, it was my stepmother also living in the house. I don't know what made him stop, but he never touched me again. Um and so, you know, I continued during my childhood to just be live, I lived a very confused life because I didn't understand. I had a lot of trauma in my body that I, you know, now know was trauma, but I had a lot of pain and fear and in me that I could not explain and could not um rationalize because a lot of the times, you know, when children are raped and sexually assaulted, um, you know, our minds can kind of do what they can to protect us. So memories might be fuzzy, um, you might try to rationalize it. And like this can also apply, you know, to adult survivors. Um, but especially for me, I dissociated it a lot as a child. And so a lot of the times I I was growing up with certain memories and certain sensations and certain feelings around my father that I knew I did not feel safe around him. I did not feel safe around him at all. Um, and I knew that I did not trust him, and that's also because of the way that he treated me, because even though he did not ever touch me again, he continued to psychologically abuse me for the remainder of the time that we talked. Um, we stopped talking in July of 2025. And just a lot of manipulation, a lot of, you know, if you know about the Darva um deny attack, reverse victim offender um thing, a lot of shame that was used to um keep me in line and keep me away from my mother and keep me from believing myself, really, and to maintain this narrative that my mother was crazy, that she had made a false accusation, and that really my father was the victim. Um, so that was very confusing growing up. It was very difficult to be in a home with people I didn't feel safe with. My stepmother was also pretty verbally abusive to me as a younger child, especially. Um, because I mean I can't say why she did that, but it didn't make anything any easier. Um, and so I went from, you know, feeling a very safe environment with my mother, my grandmother, um, to feeling unsafe all the time. And it's it's only recently that I've realized the burden that that placed on me. Um, being surveilled all the time, being criticized all the time. If you know, you know, I know if you've been in a recent relationship, then you know, you know what I'm talking about, how it kind of just drifts down your self-concept and your confidence and your belief in yourself. Um, and so I felt very hopeless often as a child. Um, and I'm also an only child, and so I was very much alone with my experiences and alone with my emotions. Um, because no one in my life, none of my childhood friends, ever, ever, ever knew what had happened to me during my childhood. Um, so I graduated high school, I came to New York to go to school. Um, and so I had some distance, and I was able to, I think that's when my body really started to wake up and kind of lead me to certain conclusions. Um, because you know, certain things might happen to you as a child, and sometimes, you know, we might think that's normal. Like there are ways that my biological father touched me that I knew did not feel good, and I knew that I didn't like and that they made me cry and they made me hurt, but I couldn't say, I'm like, well, I guess maybe this is normal. I get like he there's no way that I could have rationalized that or wrapped my head around it. Um, and so in college with that distance, um, a lot of things had already started to come up, like from, for example, like from age like 14 on, I had very frequent nightmares around sexual assault um and rape, like very, very constant. And I could not figure out. I was like, this is terrible, what is going on? And I continued into college. Um, and I went through the stages of grief, you know. I had my denial stage. Um, I even like stopped talking to my mom for a little while because I just didn't want to believe what had happened. She had never pushed me on anything um or to talk about it, but I just couldn't believe it. Um and then, you know, I it got to a point where I could not ignore the truth because I was literally crumbling. Like my emotional state was terrible. I had always I've always dealt with depression and anxiety. Um, but at this, this is the point where the PTSD, the complex PTSD really started to show up. Um, and so I was just really rapidly becoming debilitated. Um, and then I was then in an abusive romantic relationship that worsened that a lot. Um and so then in December 2024, I had a huge crap, a huge suicidal crash. Um, and it was just like I have to deal with all of these things, right? Like I have to deal with this if I want to live. I made eventually made the decision that I want to live, I want to stay here. Um and so it was just okay, like in to if I'm gonna live, like I have to confront this truth, right? Like I know that this happened, I I know that this happened. Um, and so I stopped talking to my dad, and I eventually did tell my story publicly. I told an aunt of mine, um, I told my cousins, um, I told my grandmother, and I I've had a number of different reactions, but I don't regret coming forward with my story to my family because it's really important to me that the young people in my family are safe. Um, and I got to a point where I couldn't not say anything anymore, it just wasn't an option. So I eventually, you know, made a video on my TikTok to just say what had happened. I said, this is his name. His name is Robert Transvenson. Oh yes, his name is Robert Transvenson, by the way. Right now he works at the University of Virginia, he is the director of the Carly G. Winston Institute for African American and um is it African American and Diaspora Studies? I want to say that yes. So that's what he does. You can look him up, you can look him up on UVA's website. Um, that is him. His name is Robert Trent Vinson, um, and he's my biological father, and that is what he did to me. Um, so from there, it's really just been a journey of self-love and trying to do my work. You know, I've been a birth worker since I was 18. I've been in sex education and violence prevention education since that time. So it's really it's always been very important to me to speak up about this and to really just let everybody know that they are not alone. Because again, it's just like I don't have many friends that haven't been through some form of sexual assault. Um so it's just important to talk about. So I don't regret, you know, coming out with my story, even though now a lot of my family doesn't talk to me. And that does break my heart. And at the same time, I know I did everything I could to protect my family. Um, yeah. And now, you know, everything is not um, um, I don't know if I'll ever be totally healed from that, you know. Um from being raped and abused as a baby, and then also from being separated from my mother at such a young age is a wound that um really persists for me. And that is really hard to deal with. But I am so thankful that now I here I am living my life that so many people did not think that I could do on my own. Um because when I left home at 21 after I graduated, no one really thought everyone thought I was gonna be back in Virginia in what a month, two months, and I haven't been back since. Um so yeah, that's a part of my story. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:31

I want to start by saying I'm so sorry you had to go through it. I was just listening, and that is just horrible. I think you are very brave, and thank you for sharing your story. I know I saw your video and I said, Oh yeah, we definitely have to get her on the podcast because I think your story will help so many people.

SPEAKER_01 23:58

Yeah, it's like at the end of the day, um, and thank you for saying that. Um, and I really appreciate again like connections between survivors, and like I can um also just say, you know, I see you as a survivor bringing a platform for other survivors to tell our stories, like that is so important, and um, you are seen, you are appreciated. Um but yeah, it's it's some really, really difficult stuff, and you know, but the thing that the thing that I've learned is that at the end of the day, every time that I say what has happened to me, one, it takes some of the burden off of me a little bit, and then two, it's just like, you know, I have had friends come to me know that it is safe to come to me with certain situations um because of just the work I do, and then also because of what I've experienced, and like I really feel so much empathy and I grieve so much for their survivors out there who feel like they're alone. Um, and so I was really happy to receive this invitation from you because you know, there are so many people who go through rape and sexual assault. There are a lot of people who go who go through um incest, who go through um childhood sexual assault. Um, and it's really not talked about enough. I mean, as evidenced by you know my own family, the way that it's being swept under the rug. Um, you know, I was told that I needed to keep it quiet, I didn't need to raise any questions, nothing like that. If I wanted to participate in my own family, my flesh and blood. Um, but I know that not to be true. Um, and so I'm living in that, but I know there's so much work to be done in terms of just support for survivors in general, and I'm getting emotional thinking about it. Yeah, but I'm glad that I could share my story. Um, and I guess I would just say, like, if a part of my story resonates with you at all, like you truly are not alone, like you are not the only one that has been through this, whatever your situation is, unfortunately, there are other people who've been through that, and we can show up for each other. Like, I don't know, it's it's all culture change, right? Like, we are the ones who are supposed to change all of the issues um in our community around all of this, but anyway. Um, you're not by yourself, there are always resources at the end of the day. Like, there's someone, there is somebody who cares, even if it's just a person on Reddit, but be careful with Reddit. Um, or you know, just someone in a support group or whatever, there's there's always a path. Having been in the place where it feels like there is no path, and the only way out is to not be here anymore. And I know like it sounds really like maybe corny to say, but like having been in that place, I can really say to you, Survivor, that there is a future, there is a way forward. Um and at the end of the day, you can always come into my DMs and tell your story. So, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:42

Yeah, I was gonna ask, how can people reach out to you? How can people reach out to me?

SPEAKER_01 27:48

Yes, you can reach out to me on Instagram. Um, I'm at time.j. That's t-a-n-d-i-l e dot J. And then my TikTok is the same. Um I'm also a dancer. You'll probably see a lot of dance videos on there. Um, but I also zap, so you can reach me there. Um, and you can also reach my collective take back pleasure. We are a um sexuality education slash community building collective. Um, and that is at take back pleasure on TikTok and at take back pleasure underscore on Instagram. So you can reach me any of those ways.

SPEAKER_00 28:33

And I will be putting all that in the description. And okay, I want to say thank you once again for coming on the podcast. I really, really hope your story helps at least even one person. Look, all I need is one. All we need is one. And with that, that's all for that. Um, if you have any more questions for her, you can just reach out or I have her number, so you can reach out to me as well. I have her number, so you can reach out to me as well, and I can connect you. Anything else you want to say before we end it? Oh no, that's it.

SPEAKER_01 29:13

Um, just thank you for having me, Ashley.

SPEAKER_00 29:15

All right. Well, I'll see you guys next Wednesday.

SPEAKER_03 29:27

Y'all, it's Ash on the mic. We out. That's the end. If you felt this one, hit that telephone. Thanks for riding with me. Every take every dance to you next Wednesday, SDK Fan. See you next Wednesday, talk in again. Thank you for the dance. See you next Wednesday, SDK Fan.