Building a Happy Marriage Your Kids Will Want to Imitate – Discipleship for Dads

The dads talk about happy marriages, and how to build them. They discuss unity of vision (rather than division that kids can exploit)…what’s more important than being “compatible”…why men don’t pray with their wives…public displays of affection…how to handle disagreements (especially in front of the kids)…delighting in each other (rather than just getting things done together)…and the number one thing to do for your wife.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Welcome, friends to generations in another segment of Discipleship for Dads with Todd Strasser and Danny Craig at studio today. Welcome, brothers. Good to be with you. Well, today the question is this applies to anybody who's married, and that is, how do we build a happy marriage that our children will want to imitate in the next generation? So that's that's really important. I say happy marriage because that's what we want. Want a happy home.

unknown 0:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Want a blessed home, want a good, good home, and something that our children will emulate in their generation. If a husband doesn't love his wife, as Christ loves the church, and and that's pretty much exemplified by that husband in the home, it's doubtful his sons will love their wives either. I mean, obviously, you know, God steps in and he does these things. But if a wife does not submit to her husband or love her husband or speak honorably of her husband, will she be raising little feminists that will have a hard time submitting to their husbands in their generation? And I think that is generally the case. Um so uh we're from different backgrounds, uh, we have different parents, different spouses, different experiences ourselves. So I think we're gonna see some different perspectives and hopefully some different uh kinds of applications. Um but uh the one the one principle that comes to my mind immediately is that we're not going to be giving our children an example of perfection, of sinless perfection. That's not going to happen. So to think that uh, you know, somehow we are going to be the exemplars of perfection. That's not the case, but we can give them an example of a repentance, uh humble repentance, so that you know our children will look back at us, I hope, and say, you know, dad changed over the years. I saw that happening over the 18 years or 22 years or whatever that I was in that home. And I think that's my hope that my children will see that I became more humble, more loving, and more joyful in the home. And they begin to understand what joy was. Right. We say happy marriage, I think we're talking about a joyful marriage, but also a joyful life in Christ. So those are the sorts of things I think that are of of a value. So what does this look like? What does a happy marriage look like? What what's the goal? What's the objective? What are we looking for, Danny?

SPEAKER_02 2:28

You know, I was thinking of uh the this this passage in Malachi 2, 14 through 15. It says, Yet you say, For what reason? Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously, that she is your companion and your wife by covenant. And why did he make them one having a remnant of the spirit? He seeks a godly offspring. And so I think uh certainly we want God to be glorified. Uh, our marriages are a picture of the gospel. But practically speaking, this companionship and this covenant bond is for the purpose of a godly offspring. And I desire that. I'm thankful uh as I as I reflect on my parents' marriage, one of the things that comes to mind is they had a common vision and there was a unity in in their vision for our family. And I think a lot of families, that's not the case. That the kids see that and they tend to exploit, you know, the division between mom and dad. Children are very good at that. And I just remember that mom and dad had a common vision. They wanted the same things for us as kids, for the family. And I think that provided a really solid foundation for us growing up.

SPEAKER_01 3:43

I would say the same thing for my experience. And I was raised in the mission field like you were, actually, for a period of time. Um, but my folks had a common vision, and there was never a sense in which we thought that they were disunified in any fundamental way. Um, it's interesting that my parents did not demonstrate affection uh to one another in a public way, and we're gonna talk about a little bit about public demonstrations of affection, which is okay. It's an okay thing, but I'm not sure that's the major thing. I think the biggest difference is we're forgiving each other, we're humble, we're deferring to each other, we're not really complaining about each other or complaining to one another. But uh we're really, you know, displaying yeah, this unified front one with another. If parents are working at odds uh with each other, that's a problem. I I never saw my parents arguing with each other ever. There might have been a time or two at which I remember my mother not exactly on board with a particular decision. Maybe once. Like maybe once in 18 years or whatever it was. So that was a that that that was huge. And I think probably, and this again, my experience, probably the biggest thing my parents have conveyed to me and to the six uh children that they had was humility. I mean, my I come from a humble family. There's no question about it. You know, it's interesting when you're raised in it, you don't really know anything different. But when you get out into the world and then you begin to confront your own sins of pride or what have you, you look back and you say, you know what? I think I saw some good things about my parents. And one of the things that stood out, and still stands out to this day, I just talked to my mom and dad last night. They're just really humble folk, they're just super humble folk. Uh so my wife just likes to listen in on the phone call too, because she just says it's so different from her background. She was not raised in a Christian household. So even at 90 years of age, they're both 90 years old. Um, my wife just really enjoys listening to them. She says they're peaceful, they're joyful, uh, they're loving, they're humble, you know, and and those are the sorts of characteristics that I want to convey to my kids. But Todd, you jump in for a second. What what is what's the objective here? Uh what do we want to, what kind of example do you want to give your children uh specifically regarding your marriage?

SPEAKER_00 6:05

Right. So the I think this is an important aspect to talk about because a lot of people come together based on compatibility or some kind of shared likeness. And that's good. I mean, I think that's that that's important, but there's a there's a bigger thing that God's doing in in the roles that we have, particularly we're talking to dads here. So I mean, you have this. If you look at Ephesians 5, you have you have this opportunity to to be like Christ, to, to love, to sort of give yourself up for this person for her flourishing and blossoming and primarily spiritually. That's what it is. And so what what we're seeing is exampling that mutual edification, the the affirming, yes, the confessing to one another, the forgiving one another, all of that. But it's sort of like growing this beautiful garden that your children see of wow, look at the look at the the gospel at work that in in these two people, these you you almost want your children to see these are two sinners that are sinner, just like me. And and but they're they love one another. They're they're they're getting along. In fact, they seem to enjoy being together. And the beautiful thing is not just for our children, it's a testimony to the world, particularly in a day where marriage is very, you know, confused and and being attacked and torn down. So it's really, really important. It's a it's it should be a joyful, loving, intimate, intimate, intimacy on many levels, uh, experience that's uh that's and that's not just a relationship. There's some it's like a deeper level, deeper level than relationship. You and I are friends, and we have a bond, a common bond. But you read Malachi II there, it says you you're you're it's a companionship by covenant. So just this really deep level of commitment that uh is not in an ordinary relationship.

SPEAKER_02 7:51

Sometimes people go for that superficially, you were talking uh off-air. What what what's the difference between a superficial and a substantial attempt at that cultivating of a relationship?

SPEAKER_00 8:02

It's interesting. Sometimes you speak to a young couples like in our circles, and they'll say, Oh, I I I love her. And I'll just ask, yeah, but do you like her? Do you want to spend time? Do you want to cultivate that relationship? And I think the foundation for that has got to be a spiritual uh intimacy, a caring for the other person's soul. You know, and so we're interested. Oh, does my wife have what she needs? Does am I giving her time? Am I giving her attention? All very, very important. But my biggest thing is how is her heart doing? How is her soul doing before God? And how am I encouraging that, cultivating that, fostering that, that, uh, her relationship with the Lord? You know, that's very important. You pray with your wife every day. Yeah. That's very funny. Do you pray for her? Yes, every day.

SPEAKER_01 8:47

Yeah. Why do you think men have a hard time praying out loud for their wives? I think we've asked uh show of hands at men's meetings before, and you'll get you know 20% of the men that will say, Yeah, I pray with and for my wife. Um, why do you think men have a hard time praying for their wives?

SPEAKER_00 9:07

I I think it's it's breaking through something. If you've never done it before, it's it's kind of awkward because you're breaking through just an open discussion that you're talking, you'll talk to men, you'll talk to anybody, but you're breaking through something that's very important to break through, which is you're breaking into that spiritual intimacy. You know, we can't truly, I don't believe, cherish our wives, nourish our wives, unless we first do it at a spiritual level. And then we can do it in other ways too. We can buy flowers and all that's important. Yeah. But we have to do it at that level. And prayer is the most important thing. Ephesians 5 says also wash her by the water of the word. Uh, how how are we doing that? You know, we we've gotta, it's it's calling us to nurture the soul first.

SPEAKER_01 9:51

Well, I think also dependence on God, prayer is this dependence. And uh guys can be kind of like, you know, I'll take care of this. And uh they tend not to want to just break out and say, you know what, we need God here. And uh I need to appeal to God uh for the sake of my wife. And uh I think that that prayer together is a really key element. Very good. And I think um generally speaking, our wives flourish and receive that well.

SPEAKER_02 10:19

Oh, yeah. I think if there's uh a lack of honesty and transparency and humility and confession in the marriage, uh it can seem hypocritical. Like what why why are you praying for me? You know, what gives you the spiritual right to do that? Sure. Um, but if we are humble and honest about our sins, then prayer isn't this sort of uh I'm super holy, so I get to do this for you, but it's a coming before God, seeking his help, as you said. Have you ever had a disagreement with your wife, Todd?

SPEAKER_01 10:51

Yes. Danny? Yes, we all have, yeah. And and I that and I'm I don't believe that a disagreement is sinful. I think of Ken Sandy's Peacemaker, where he says conflict is just part of life because we we have differing values and objectives. Now, granted, the the the overall unified vision of the home is what? Raise our children the nurture and mission of the Lord Jesus Christ, seek the kingdom of God, glorify God, enjoy him. You know, we're we're unified on the big things. But are we gonna have pizza tonight? You know, how does that fit into the kingdom of God? And so we have these disagreements. Now i that you're having a disagreement is uh is absolutely okay, right? We're all mortal creatures and we're finite in our minds, and we have differing gifts and talents and abilities, and therefore different emphases in terms of what's important to the mom versus the dad in the home. So that's that's okay. So far, nobody's sinned.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:51

But then a disagreement arises and you can sin, right? We all have the capability to sin. Okay. So what does that look like? How do you handle disagreements? And I think this is key because your children are watching you. Danny?

SPEAKER_02 12:06

Well, not very well sometimes C minus. Yeah. Occasionally a D plus. Well, I mean, there's a couple of things. There's the there's the how do you handle disagreements in front of your children? Right. And and practically speaking, uh you should if you if you can't quickly affirm the other's person's perspective in front of your children, you should pretty much just shut up and move out of the room. Go offline. And go offline. Um I really think that's it is so important that disagreements not be adjudicated in front of the children. But but if the if it does surface to communicate something of uh, okay, well, let's talk more about that. I want to hear more of your thoughts on that. Yeah. So that maybe the last note they hear is okay, mom, mom and dad are you know working this out.

SPEAKER_01 12:56

Yeah. Um so so the response is your wife disagrees with you on the pizza tonight or whatever it is. And your first response is to listen and to then say, I want to hear more of this, and let's have let's talk more on this.

SPEAKER_02 13:10

Yeah, and I I I handled this wrong. It was like I think of a situation last week, and I was a little, I was a little irritated, and it had to do with the kids. And I was like, no, this way. And I and I was, oh man, that just that did not communicate the unified vision. So what I wish I would have done is to say, okay, uh, let's talk a little bit more about this and then come back and address it with a unified vision in front of the kids. Talk about it, pray about it. And then come back. You know, and then we'll come back. And then come back. So that's like the the the practical in front of the kids piece of it. Um but then in terms of just disagreements in general, man, we've got to get to what is the fundamental thing we agree on, and what is the shared vision that we have that is going to guide us? And let's remember our mutual love for each other and our appreciation and our desire to see each other flourish. Uh, and so getting back to those fundamentals and then working from there through the disagreement.

SPEAKER_01 14:13

Is it okay to defer to your wife, okay, this is no big deal. She's she's gonna make the call on this one.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 14:21

Is it okay to do that, or is that a wimpy husband?

SPEAKER_00 14:24

No, I think I think I think it is, and particularly in certain contexts, like when it has to do with the home. Her her capital. If we're if she's called in the scripture the keeper of the home, we need to defer some right, sure. Some something there. There's some some management there she needs to be responsible for, and we can't just take all that away. I mean, that doesn't seem very loving in many ways, but absolutely, yeah. There's definitely there's probably places where it's you know more complicated to do that. I know that there's there's couples that basically run businesses together, and that can be that can be tougher, right? I mean, that can be trickier as like figure out okay, well, how do we how do we walk through this together? But but I agree with you. I mean, there's a there's an what I've learned is just slowing down, you know, there's a slowing down, and I think as dads, as husbands, we need to remember when your wife has a different perspective than you on something, like an argument, I guess, or you know, a disagreement. We have to remember, we have to back up for a minute and remember God has given me this woman. Yeah, because I need her for a reason. Yeah, I need her. Like I needed to hear that perspective. That's just not random out of thin air. This is God's providence that He has. And so I really need to slow down and go, huh, I really need to consider this. Her angle, what she's saying. I have to, I can't just go, that's wrong. Because this, it's almost like saying, God, you're wrong. No, God's brought you that. You you've got to appreciate it. And you should really humbly like go, wow, yeah, I need to think about that. And then, like you're saying, in unity, talk through it, work through it.

SPEAKER_01 15:56

A cautionary note. Um, I think we should be careful. The wife should be careful, the husband should be careful about correcting uh each other in front of each other. We have to be very careful with that and not to be carping, kind of this bossy way of shoving your husband around, or even shoving your wife around. Yeah, yeah. Um the one quite the opposite. Pardon? Quite the opposite. Right, quite the opposite.

SPEAKER_02 16:19

There needs to be this affirming of husbands and wife's uh positions in front of the children.

SPEAKER_01 16:25

Right. And if there's disagreement, much better to put in the form of question. Like, I wonder if it would be better if we did this. Uh I want to hear more of your perspective. You may have a point here. Right. So let's talk about this some more. You know, those sorts of responses super help. Um, and kicking the can down the road for the decision, that helps as well. You know, do we really have to make the decision right now? Right. Well, if you know, dinner's in 15 minutes, we're gonna have to decide what we're gonna have for dinner. Um so uh let's move on to more of a general question. What are the daily manifestations of biblical love in the home? And um and I guess I would I would say that boy, this differs on every situation, right? Love languages and and so forth, and the sorts of things that your wife needs uh from you uh would differ depending on the situation, depending on the woman, depending on so many factors. The bottom line with love is that we're willing to lay down our lives in order to provide for the good of the other. And so that that's what love is. Now, how does that manifest itself in in your home? I guess that's my question, Danny.

SPEAKER_02 17:37

Well, we've ebbed and flowed in this area. Uh, I think that the scriptures do give us a standard. Uh Ecclesiastes 9 9, live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life. Uh so I I love that picture. Proverbs 5, 18, 19. Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice with the wife of your youth. Uh so I think that's the goal, is that there is a, oh, I love being with you, and I can't wait to see you tonight rejoicing in the relationship. But let's be honest, I think that the experience of that ebbs and flows. What gets in the way of that? Well, for us, it's certainly uh the tendency towards utilitarian, as I've mentioned, you know, we're great. Co-project coordinators. Yeah. And I think objectification, uh, especially on the part of men, that happens as a result of not viewing our wives as holistic people. They're people that do things or or whatever it might be. So for us, it has been taking time to step back and actually facilitate the time in which we can develop our relationship with each other, we can get to know each other more. Um, we're actually delighting in the things of the Lord together, we're delighting in his good gifts together. Uh, we're trying to actually deepen our understanding of each other. And then, man, so much of it for for us has been gratitude.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

Um I was gonna say the same thing.

SPEAKER_02 19:02

And and and, you know, we had a maybe like a year and a half ago, I was I was struggling a little bit. And I and I was, I, I, I need to be more thoughtful about all the things I appreciate. So I started writing sticky notes. And uh I didn't do it for a year and on end, but I I did it for a few months and she's putting a little sticky note at the beginning of the day on her water jar, and my heart's warming up, her heart's warming up, and the practical demonstration of these are the things I appreciate about you. Yeah, that was you know, that that warmed up the marriage.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

Huge, huge, huge. I I know if if I'm even grateful to God for anything, yeah, on a g any given day, my wife puts her in a better mood. Yeah, and uh then being grateful for her and affirming her is huge. Todd, the ways in which we can express love.

SPEAKER_00 19:50

Yeah, I it's hard to answer in like a general for every husband out there because I I just believe you need to know your particular wife. Right, right. I mean, there's wives that will appreciate you getting flowers and bringing them up. My wife doesn't really care about flowers, you know. But but but there's other things that are very, very important to her, and I have to know that. It's just like if you're gonna love somebody really well, you have to know them really well. You know, it's very hard to love a stranger, you know, but it's but you have to know. And so I mean, I've grown in that. I didn't do that well, definitely at the beginning, but you know, after you're married for you know 29 years, you you learn you know about each other. And we should constantly be students of one another. I mean, and what I've learned is I can in fact I probably ask my wife every, I don't know, few weeks. I say, How can I love you better? That's a good question to ask, but sometimes she doesn't know. You have to actually just be understanding her. Right. You have to just watch and see what's received and kind of be that student and go, oh, she liked that, you know, and then I'm gonna do that again. Um I'm gonna love her in that way. So it's so I think that's how you know you're asking about biblical love. Well, biblical love is is putting my considering her, I know her, and I just don't just know her, I know what she went through. She she was, you know, with six children today and homeschooling them, and that's there's a lot to that. And so I'm remembering that and go, what what would be loving to her right now?

SPEAKER_01 21:13

You know, it took me 33 years to figure it out. Okay, very thick, very thick. Okay, I'm the project, but here's what it was. I'll just say what it is for my wife. Okay for my wife, the number one thing that I can do is that messiness can be overwhelming to her. Messiness can be overwhelming, it can just be this huge stressful, yeah. And so if I go into our bedroom and there's this mess, may maybe some of it's me, some of it's her, it doesn't matter who it is. Some of it maybe grandkids are running short. Sure. But if I will take 15 minutes and just uh you know, chuck things here and there, throw it in the wastebasket, put in a big plastic bag, throw it in the trash can. She doesn't know what's going in the trash can, but she walks back into the room and she sees. This uh beautifully organized room and she loves me for this. Isn't that interesting? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:08

Yeah, flowers. Uh uh. You but you know, you know your wife. That's good. But you know her.

SPEAKER_02 22:13

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:14

Have you learned something of your wife?

SPEAKER_02 22:16

Yeah, you know, it's connectedness to the kids. To the kids, yeah. Yeah. Right. Paying attention when Joey hasn't eaten his food. He's sitting on his high chair for 15 minutes. Um talking to the kids at the dinner table, engaging with the kids, um, not being glued to my phone. Right. Wow, I gotta go work on that now. I'm convicted. But I was thinking um there's another big thing that I think is a theme for all marriages, and that is the issue of contempt. And I think that's an issue. Don't let that creep in. That can creep in. That is that is an absolute poison. And where that seeps in, uh demonic. It's a devilish demonic thing, and you have to identify it. And you have to root it out. You cannot allow those undercurrents of contempt to subsist that will actually absolutely poison it, we'll leak out. And it's the opposite of what the Bible speaks of. Proverbs 31, 28. Her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her. First Peter 3, 7. Husbands likewise dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the weaker vessel. And I think contempt and honor are opposite ends of the spectrum. Uh, so we have to work through the relationship in such a way that we are honoring her and her position, but then also actually cultivating a garden that we also find delightful as well. So it's a it's a it there's the positional, and then there's the practical outworking of that as well.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

Her husband praises her in the gates, right? I mean, that's Proverbs 31. Yes, and that's a big part of this. What's the best way we can do this? Uh, I'm not sitting in the gates right now, but Todd, how do we honor our wives?

SPEAKER_00 23:55

Well, we can we can love her by, as we talked about, by knowing knowing her specifically. But also you we see in the scripture that there is there is a calling to to feed her, as it were, with the word, with you know, and i i think guys don't know like what does this mean? Washing her with the water of the word? Like, what does that mean? And I I didn't know at first either. I mean, what does this mean? Does it mean you're supposed to read the Bible to your wife all day long every day? Well, yeah, there's that's good. You can do that, but it's taking the word, it's taking the word itself and the truths of the word, the promises of God, the hope of God, really the gospel, and in uh living it out before her in her life and enabling space for that and a place for that and time for that. And that's that's really important. I mean, in many ways, we are to to manifest that which is life-giving, right? That which is hope-giving. How are we doing that? And which is joyful. That that will result in joy. Uh, and we we need to do those things throughout the day.

SPEAKER_02 24:51

I think a practical question that we should ask ourselves on a regular basis is is my wife flourishing under my care? Yeah, that's good. You know, you can ask that, you know, over the 30 years. Yeah. But then this week, yeah, you know, is my wife flourishing? And I think that's around the edges or blossom. I think that's a big thing that kids pick up on, back to the what kids see. I think they're gonna look back and they're gonna say, you know, mom kind of wilted uh uh over the years, or no, mom, mom flourished.

SPEAKER_01 25:19

And of course, too much criticism, too much carping, too much whatever. Yeah. And she just started wilting because of that. Right. But let's say in the positive sense, what do we want to see our kids to see in us in the marriage? And uh I I think, you know, here's the here's the top number one issue for me, I think, is is that unity before the Lord in prayer and praying for each other. Really, really key. Uh confessing sin, being humble, confessing our sins. And I think our children need to see us praising our wives. And I wonder if that's the case. Right now, as I'm sitting here, when was the last time I praised my wife? Uh I'll put praise her for the food, but for character praiser contribution to the family. I'm I'm just wondering, just right here where I'm sitting, yeah, am I honoring my wife and my language uh that I'm sharing with my kids on any given day?

SPEAKER_00 26:15

Important, Todd. That's really important. Yeah, thinking through how we can do that, um, how we can affirm, how we can encourage, how we can edify uh and stir up. My wife came from a difficult background, you know, divorced family, uh basically raised by a single mom. And so, you know, we we had to and and still, I mean, you have to you have to know your wife so that you can walk through those things, even reassurance of I'm not going anywhere. Yeah, don't you know because this whole like abandonment thing is like, you know, that was a big thing for her, right? And just that that kind of reassurance. So how do we encourage? But I think what you're what you're touching on is how do we ensure that we are leading? Because we're lead. I mean, you want my children to see that, you know, dad's leading, the husband is leading, but how are we leading? Are we leading spiritually? Or are we just leading financially, you know, or practically, or are we the ruler of the home? But shoving everybody around telling what to do on a given day. Of course, yeah. And then are we leading with love? Are we leading in gentleness, with patience? Like we want to be, we want to lead our wives. I think our that's a good thing for our children to to see and receive, but but it's the how are we leading is real important.

SPEAKER_01 27:30

Physical affection in in marriage, is that something we ought to be now? I I as I said, my parents not so much, but but uh ours ourselves more so. And it seems to me that does warm up the home a bit. Sure. There has to be a warmth about the home.

SPEAKER_00 27:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:48

So we can do that in language, but we can also do it with physical affection. And our kids tend to appreciate that.

SPEAKER_02 27:55

Yeah, I think I think if you don't, you do risk a uh a a dualism. Yeah. And so I think that showing that physical affection kind of breaks down that spiritual and physical dichotomy that you don't want to uh uh have arise in your kids' minds. They should see that living God loving God results in real practical ways of loving each other and that that's a joyful thing. And so the joy that's expressed and the delight that's expressed through the physical affection is unique. And I think uh that it's important that our children see that delighting spiritually and relationally and physically. Obviously, there's boundaries around that.

SPEAKER_01 28:38

Right, right. You kiss your wife uh in in public where your children are watching.

SPEAKER_00 28:43

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I think it is important. I think you know, showing that is important. Now it doesn't have to be some intense stuff to go to the but even just I mean, if mom and dad sit beside each other, if they hold hands, you know, you know, when they're walking or something, I mean, it that does speak to wow, they they they are showing that.

SPEAKER_01 29:02

It's interesting, and I'll just throw this out because I said as I was raised, you know, uh I didn't see that whole lot of this, but recently my siblings and my my wife as well, um we we have witnessed dad kissing mom goodnight. Oh he kneels down beside her chair and he gives her a kiss on the cheek before he goes to bed at night. That's sweet. That's it. Um and he does that every night now. 90 years of it. So it's something warming about that. That's for I think very much. The children and grandchildren.

SPEAKER_02 29:32

They witness this. And I think what this ties to back to the question of what things do you want your kids to see, they want to you want them to see that you guys actually really enjoy each other's company. That's right, that's key. And that you can spend time together happily. You're getting away together, laughing together, talking together, choosing to be frequently in each other's company. So I think that's all part of the physical manifestation of this is me and we really like being together.

SPEAKER_00 30:02

That's right. That's right. Yeah, that's very, very important. Yeah, because I think it is comforting to children, actually, when they know mom and dad are on good terms and they do love one another.

SPEAKER_01 30:12

It's very much so. But it should be securing.

SPEAKER_00 30:14

Yeah, it is. But it should flow to the children too. I mean, if I hug my wife, you know, I want to go hug my children too, you know, or sometimes the little ones will run up and grab your leg dad, and that and that's good, but don't don't let it just stop there. You know, let that I I believe, you know, let the affection flow throughout the family. How have you guys you have uh, you know, 18 kids or not say eight kids or whatever?

SPEAKER_02 30:39

How have you maintained that time for each other? Because I think that's a difficulty for a lot of large homeschool families, is actually creating the space to for mom and dad to spend time together.

SPEAKER_00 30:51

Yeah. I mean, we we like to spend time together. That's good. And I think it's you just have to make a priority. You have to make it a priority. You know, you have to you have to you have to schedule it, you have to plan it. You can't just wait and wait. No, one day we'll get to do that. It has to be sort of more top of mind uh for doing that. And I think because you I don't know if we talked about it before, we're we're pretty diligent on you know going out dates, even overnight, spending time together to cultivate that. But I think it's been a witness to the children too. Like they know, well, mom and dad are gonna go out sometime this week and spend some time together, you know. So um that they've they've learned that and they've they've seen that. But you know, during those times, which you know, I don't know if our children know what we're doing when we go out or when we go spend time together, but a lot of it's prayer. It's we're praying for the children, we're praying for what God's doing in our life, we're confessing to one another. So I because I want it to be foremost spiritual, foremost. I mean again, that's what I see in Ephesians 5, 1 Peter. It's it's spiritual. And if if I'm working on cultivating that garden and appealing to God and depending on God, I'm kind of a the rest will take care of itself, kind of a guy. You know, I'm I'm I'm doing what my father in heaven's told me to do in this garden to work, and and you know, and it'll it'll manifest itself in other ways.

SPEAKER_01 32:14

Let's we only have a few minutes left, but uh a few a few more practical things. I'd like to throw a few more practical things on the table. Anything else that's left on your minds, brothers, on this. Uh, but something that we have done recently, this is the last two years or so, is a a lot more of me reading out loud, whether it be scripture, right now we're going through Pilgrim's Progress, I'm reading that out loud to my wife. And you know, in the past, we there's so much of that in family worship. You know, we put that into family worship, but but lately, even though we do have a regular family worship time, I add to that a devotional time with my wife in the evening. And I I think that's been super helpful. For one thing, she's extreme audio, like extreme audio. Okay, yeah, that's true. She just loves to listen to stuff. So I have found that she blossoms, she appreciates that so much. Um, I'm a reader. I do read. She reads more than I do. But but I I'm reading out loud and I'm sharing a devotion with her. We pray together before we go to bed at night. So I just throw that out. Just one more thing to do. Uh, we talked about praying with, but devotional time together has been helpful for us. Any last thoughts, Danny?

SPEAKER_02 33:24

You know, for my wife, uh, she's not a a super, you know, she doesn't need a lot of stuff, but she does appreciate when I help develop the house in such a way that makes her life easy. So whether that's a a remodel project or a kitchen gadget, um, giving her things that she will use and that make her life easier and give her space. Um, I I have to I have to put closet. We've been in this house for two years and I still haven't put real closets in. So that's on this. We're gonna hold you a couple of that's on that's on the list for this spring. We're gonna actually put real closets in. And I and I know that that's just gonna relax. It's gonna be a relief.

SPEAKER_01 34:05

Yeah. My wife's a big gadget person too. You have to have something that could clean. Yeah. If if there's some new invention that can clean the house in some better way, Todd.

SPEAKER_00 34:14

You know, I've learned um what God's teaching me is um just to ensure that I'm letting my wife know that I'm I love her. And, you know, one of the things when I ask her, how can I love you better, is she'll say, I just want to know you're thinking about me throughout the day, you know, because the day starts, I go my way, she's doing her thing, and you know, but but to just to be able to to call her or just send her a note or just to say or pick her up something, you know, during the day. That's because and and I was thinking about how that applies. I like I want to know that I'm cared for. We all do to some degree, and and that's what our wives want. So I'm working on that and growing in that, but I I understand, I understand what she's asking for, and that's that's a big part of it, is just understanding how to love her better. And so that's important. Also, um, you know, uh slowing down, giving time, you know. Sometimes you can tell my wife's a little something's bothering her, you know, and to say, what's wrong? Tell me right now. You know, that's kind of how we get to be, but it's like, okay, you can, you know, sometimes it takes time. And I'm learning to be patient with that. Listen, listen, just take time, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:24

Well, friends, if if Jesus has come to redeem, which he has, Jesus has come to redeem, to restore the years of the locusts of Eden, to renew relationships, to reconcile all the reads. If Jesus has come for this, then he's come to renew marriage, to restore it, to redeem it. And we are going to be firsthand witnessing this in our own lives, in our own homes. That's right, in our own marriages. Yeah. And so we're gonna start leave this one off with the gospel because that's why he came. And and I think it will be most manifest, the redemption of Jesus will be most manifest in our relationship with our spouses. And if that hasn't happened in your marriage, in your life, I have three words for you. Go to Jesus. Amen. He can help you with this. That's right.

SPEAKER_00 36:17

He's helped us. Yes, he's helped us. Amen.

SPEAKER_01 36:20

Friends, this has been another segment of Discipleship for Dads. And if you've got inputs, if you've got any other question, uh just simply email us at uh mail at generations.org. And this is Kevin Swanson, Todd Strasser, and Danny Craig. Inviting you back again next time as we continue to lay down a vision for the next generation. This has been a production of the Generations Media Network. For more information, go to generations.org/slash media.