Killing Comparison: Leading Your Wife in Children in Contentment and Gratitude - Discipleship for Dads

Comparison parenting is everywhere — in the pew, the homeschool co-op, and your own head. The dads dig into why we compare spouses, children, and churches…how comparison reveals that we doubt the sufficiency of God's grace…the danger of setting expectations your family can't meet…and how to point your wife and children to the acceptance they already have in Christ.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:06

Welcome friends to Generations. Kevin Swanson with you as well, Danny Craig and Bill Roach, the usual suspects on another segment of Discipleship for Dads. And boy, do we need discipleship.

SPEAKER_01 0:19

I'm hoping to get a little bit from you guys. Um I picked this program, Kevin, because I wanted to hear what you guys had to say about it. So this is your selection. I need some help in this way.

SPEAKER_02 0:29

Escaping comparison parenting and shepherding your wife out of this trap is the subject today on this segment of Discipleship Dance. And there's a tendency to compare ourselves with others. And um now, I'm going to say from the outset, we're all hell-deserving sinners, right? This the wages of sin is death. But the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. So don't forget, all of that grace flows from God. And it's uh, but it is something we tend to do. We look at others, we compare ourselves to others. As a homeschool kid raised in the 1960s, 1970s, out in the mission field in Japan, I can remember comparing our family to other families. And typically the line I think we use between siblings was wow, our parents are so strict. And these other parents allow their kids to watch so much media, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And so we were comparing, I can remember comparing the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence. And that's typical, I think, for kids, but for adults as well. Uh, you might compare some families' blessings and trials to your own. I wish I had their trials versus my trials. I wish I had their blessings versus my blessings. Um, but as it turns out, God Taylor makes it for each of us. And um, and uh it's it's something I've had to grow out of comparing churches. That was a big deal for me. Way back. Um, now still I'm sure that that's got its grip on me a bit, but it was a big deal, you know. Like my church is better than all these other churches, you know, our denomination is better than other denominations. That that thing, that better than thing was huge and played in strongly in my pride issue. And uh wow, I had to repent of that. I when people come to visit our church, I would I would begin to say, you know what, I bet there's better churches down the road. Um you might just check out a few other churches down the road. Um, you know, because when it comes down to it, I don't know. How do we know? How do we might have I might I'm not saying that, you know, we don't have perhaps a better perspective on some doctrinal issue, but wow, um you know, maybe they're more loving than we are. Right. Maybe, maybe this other family is more joyful, maybe this family is more loving, or maybe that church is uh more peaceful than, you know, or whatever, right? Fruits of the spirit uh matter, but all good gifts, all all good gifts come from God, the Father of lights, with whom there is no uh variableness nor shadow of turning. And so um I think just remembering that all is by the grace of God. I am what I am, but by the grace of God.

SPEAKER_00 3:10

I think and I think that's that's key too, because um you start to doubt the sufficiency of God's grace when you start to compare yourself with somebody else. That's it. Yeah. Yeah, that that God's grace isn't sufficient enough for me. I need something I don't have. I need to unload something that I have.

SPEAKER_02 3:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

Because God's grace isn't sufficient for me.

SPEAKER_02 3:30

Let's talk about comparing. Uh number one, comparing spouses. Probably the biggest mistake a guy can make.

unknown 3:38

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 3:39

Yeah, don't do that. Don't do that. Exactly. Um yeah, just just don't do that.

SPEAKER_01 3:45

There's a there is a book we read recently that uh had a really helpful analogy, and that is this idea of Adam in the garden. He had one woman. Yeah. There's nobody hard to compare. Hard to compare. And this was the the woman that God had made from his rib, specifically for him, and that perspective of walking through life with that perspective of Adam. There's one woman that God gave to me, and she is the only one for me. Uh and and if I lived in a world where there were no other woman, then there would be, you know, no distraction, and I would find uh 100% of all my joy and satisfaction in this good gift. And by God's God's grace, we can actually live that way.

SPEAKER_00 4:29

And isn't it interesting though that when Adam got into a sinful place, he was saying, Isn't there another woman you can give me? Now there's the woman this one who gave me a number an A was not good enough. Can you give me a B? Because she's the one that caused the problem. And that's what happens when we get in a sinful situation. We've got to find something to blame.

SPEAKER_02 4:49

Yeah, we we we we all have different backgrounds, different gifts, different challenges, different circumstances in life. We're all on a different journey. And uh and God has fitted one particular woman. In fact, the whole idea of help appropriate for, right? Uh the the fit, the axe head fits the particular axe handle. And uh that's that's the one that God has has made for us. And uh so we to be content with that. And I think contentment is probably the key thing here. Um when we become discontented with what God has given to us so far, right? The woman you have given me, or the children you have given me, or the grace you have given us so far. So far, your grace has not been sufficient in this or that area, therefore I'm not happy. Yeah, and I wish you know I had the graces other families have received. Well, every good gift comes from God. Right. So we're complaining against God. That's really what's happening here.

SPEAKER_00 5:46

Trevor Burrus, Jr. Jesus implied that it was a hardness of heart. Remember when there was the whole divorce issue. So, you know, it was not so from the beginning, but God allowed for it because the hearts were hard. Moses did. Yeah. Right? Be so we have to be careful of a hardness of heart. Then we'll the heart gets hard, then we're comparing, then we're wishing for something else. We're insecure.

SPEAKER_02 6:06

You know, I think I think sometimes we we think that our problem is with you know, something that isn't right in our situation. Uh something, you know, somebody in our home isn't doing right, or you know, our wives are not living up to the standard or whatever. But at as it turns out, uh, our issue is with God. Yeah. Because the source of all these good gifts is God.

SPEAKER_01 6:29

Yeah, Kevin, for me, there's discontentment, but there's also pride. I think uh a lot of comparison drives towards trying to forge an identity, a status, a collection of accomplishments, whether it's in my own life as a parent or my children's lives as my as as the outflow of my parenting, that I can sort of cobble together and say, Well, I I must be I must be pretty pretty decent. Look at look at these things. And and I I'm reminded of Ephesians 1, which calls us to uh a different way of finding acceptance, and that is uh verse 5, having predestined to us uh having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ Himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, to the praise of the glory of his grace by which he made us accepted in the beloved. And I and I think that may be one of the best antidotes for that comparison urge. Good. Ah, I have been accepted in Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_02 7:26

Bill, what does that comparison look like? What are we doing? You know, what does it sound like when families compare or when spouses are comparing? What's that comparing conversation sound like?

SPEAKER_00 7:39

Yeah, you know, uh by God's providence, my my Bible reading this morning was Luke 18, verses 9 through 14, which is the classic passage, I think, on comparison. The Pharisees uh over here talking about all his righteousness and that he's not like this other person. So there's this lifting up, and Jesus is warning hey, be careful. You you lift yourself up, I'm gonna humble you. But if you humble yourself, I will exalt you. So this the comparison talk is constantly, I think, as Danny said, it's it's a matter of pride. You're wanting to lift yourself up. So you're looking for somebody who's a little bit worse than you.

SPEAKER_02 8:17

Or better.

SPEAKER_00 8:18

Or right.

SPEAKER_02 8:18

It could be better.

SPEAKER_00 8:19

Right. You you're wanting something more than the you're talking about the bet ones that are better. But I think you you're you're insecure. There's an insecurity in where you are. So you need to find somebody that's a little worse than you are. I think you know the draw of all these television programs that you know their lives are all messed up is to make, okay, I'm not really that bad because look at all these people over here. They have a, you know, I'm I'm overweight at 300 pounds, but look at this 600 pound person. I'm not that bad. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:48

Do we compare children one with the other? Or do we ever compare our children with the children you know in other homes?

SPEAKER_01 8:56

Yeah, that's a temptation. Does that ever happen? Yeah, for sure. Uh and what I've noticed, you're typically not comparing hearts. You're typically comparing externals. Externals, right? Performance, outward behavior. And and and there's, you know, got God wants us to have good behavior. But I just noticed that about comparison. I'm not really ever comparing my heart to your heart. I'm comparing outward things.

SPEAKER_02 9:18

And it's because you don't know my heart.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

Exactly. Exactly. And and it's because that's what man does. Uh so I think uh what I'm learning is well, what is God's standard of holiness? Uh, and and typically comparison is rooted in my standard of what I think is good. And then when I go to God's standard of holiness, I realize that that is so far out of reach. When I'm comparing myself to others, there's a chance I might be able to cobble that outcome together in my own effort. But the moment I look to God, I realize, well, there's a standard that's impossible and that can only be attained by the grace of God in our lives.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

But let's walk this thing through, Bill. Um, you know, a family whose kids are just, you know, literally crawling the walls, jumping on the sofas, um, you know, screaming and yelling throughout the church service or whatever it is, right? Just this chaos. Right. And right across the way is a family where, you know, six or seven properly dressed, properly behaved children are taking notes in the sermon, you know, and all this. What does the family who comes to the realization that there's some assembly required, there's some some progress that needs to be made, what do they do? What I mean, obviously they want to grow in this area. Right. They they come to the realization, you know, boy, I would really like to see my children perhaps a little a bit more obedient, uh a bit more respectful of mother and father. You know, so they're actually thinking this way. They actually see that something over there is working, something over here is not working. That's a data point. So we're not denying the data point. Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 10:51

But what do they do? How do they respond to that? Well, I think you you're in humility, you're going before the Lord and saying, Lord, can please help us here. We need we need some help. And even uh that humility takes the next step of maybe going to another that other family and asking them questions, maybe reading some books on parenting or watching uh some videos on parenting, realizing that you need help, and God may be giving you that help through your brothers and sisters in Christ.

SPEAKER_02 11:17

But to respond with kids, look at that family over there. Y'all are just a mess. Okay. And this couldn't you just act angry owns kids. Yeah, this sort of angry, proud, I don't know, comparing thing doesn't work. So actually the response it it does work, but only for a short time.

SPEAKER_01 11:35

Oh, I see and and and it will produce it will produce some outward externals for a period of time. And then, man, watch out because 18 years into that game plan, all have no regulars.

SPEAKER_00 11:47

And I think we have to be good with diversity, right? We don't want every family looking the same. Now you're talking about righteousness and unrighteousness, where the standard is always righteousness. Uh, but there's there's some diversity. Some children are going to be different in some families than other children. Doesn't necessarily mean it's a wrong.

SPEAKER_02 12:04

Some children are perhaps a little more quiet and complacent and so forth, and they don't have quite the ADD, ABD American boy disease. And their parents are quiet too. We have that in our church, right?

SPEAKER_00 12:15

I think the the children of the quiet parents are usually quiet too. Sure. And the louder parents have louder kids.

SPEAKER_02 12:21

Right, right. So so A, go to the heart. What where's the heart on this? B, always consider things by the laws of God. Are our children honoring us? Right. Do the children obey? If they don't, then we're just gonna have to keep have a small list. Working. Yeah, short list. Basically God's list. We have ten. He has ten. Ten things. Short list. Don't create these long lists. Children are lying and stealing and disobeying mom and dad. We can deal with that. But let's not, you know, perhaps jumping on the sofa is okay in your house. Well, maybe. It works as a trampoline. It's a cheaper trampoline, perhaps. If you got it used down at the garage sale next door. Um but so you have different rules in different families. That's the other thing. Let's respect that. There's different families have different rules in terms of how they apply the laws of God in their particular homes. Um, they may interpret rudeness differently than another family might. So I think we have to, you know, be careful that we're applying the laws of God in this. Okay, so this other family's maybe a little bit ahead of us in terms of how they're ordering their home. Right. Okay, good. As you said, let's let's perhaps get some counsel. Right. But prayer, prayer. I mean, we have a ways to go here. The bottom line is God's grace has got to work in the hearts of our children as much as they need to work in the hearts of the children next door.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

And his timing's important. He may be waiting to work in the hearts of your children, yeah, and maybe start it a little sooner in the hearts of those children. So don't, you know, don't freak out. Yeah. Wait on God's grace, wait on his patience, and work hard at it. You know, you're you're you're still bringing the word, you're walking side by side with them, but you're there is a sense of waiting. You know, the world has this perfect child, right? We right from birth, we we're we're bombarded with percentiles and how much does your child weigh? And and you know, the mother gets nervous at six months or you know, a half a pound less than what is supposed to be perfect. Or and even in homeschooling, like you say, oh, this kid is is reading by four years old, and my kid can't even doesn't even know the alphabet and he's six. Oh, we're you know, we're in trouble. Yeah, be careful.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

But you know, with the principal individuality is the biggie. Absolutely in in our presentations for our intro seminars um that we've done everywhere across the US. Um, we just we want to be sure people respect the fact that every child is different. Right. What's the first thing you say when the second child arrives? They're so different. Whoa, you know, like this big shocker. Um, and they are, but God gives them unique talents, gifts, and abilities. And let's appreciate the unique gifts, talents, and abilities that God has given to each of our children. Right. And the other thing is we begin to see things working out in our children's lives over 18, 20, 24, 26 years. I mean, you know, we don't know how God is gonna use uh these gifts, talents, and abilities in these kids' lives. Um perhaps they were doing the 54% of the nationally standardized test when they were 14, but they're a multimillionaire at 29. Okay, you know, that kind of thing happens, okay. Yeah. Um all by the grace of God. And I think we need to underscore that. It's all by the grace of God. Amen. Um that that I might become a better parent over the years is by the grace of God. That my children actually receive the word and the word implanted in their soul is saving their soul and sanctifying their lives, is by the grace of God. Oh, it's all by the grace of God. Amen. I think if we come back to that, what about the insecurities? How do you deal with the insecurities uh in your wife? Let's say she's she's struggling with insecurity, Bill. What do we do? How do we do that?

SPEAKER_00 16:04

Well, I think you're you're re uh reassuring, you're affirming the the good things and reminding her of the sovereignty of God, the goodness of God. Yep, yep, yep. Well, we were in church last night, you know, read what Psalm 103. Yeah. This is a God who really, really loves us, and here's all the benefits of his love for us. It's everybody just, you know, it takes time. Yeah. And we're gonna we're gonna trust in God's sovereignty on his goodness, we're gonna trust him in his love, and we're gonna trust him in his timing of all these things. Everything is right where God wants it to be.

SPEAKER_02 16:37

Do comparisons play into your house? I mean, you're in the middle of raising the little ones. And there are some little ones that appear to be a bit more challenging than others. Uh by the way, one of them comes to me almost every Sunday now and asks for prayer. It's so cute. It's so cute.

SPEAKER_01 16:53

Yeah. She she she she's telling me about this yesterday. Every time I see Pastor Swanson, I ask him to pray for me.

SPEAKER_02 17:00

Yeah, it's so cute.

SPEAKER_01 17:01

And I and I said, you keep doing that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:04

So so what how do you deal with that? The tendency to want to compare.

SPEAKER_01 17:09

Yeah. Well, uh I mean I guess the thing that's occurred to me in that circumstance is that God is changing things up on me. Uh, and and he's giving me different types of children with different strengths and weaknesses to cause me to depend on him. Yeah. And so I think I think I'm I'm kind of stepping back in terms of focusing on the kids and asking myself, what is God teaching me in all of this? And it is that dependence on the Lord. Um the other thing, though, that I was I was thinking about, Kevin, is uh in terms of this um insecurity of our wives. Um, you know, one of the things that uh we have to make sure we do is provide them with a godly vision. And um one of the things that I think homeschool moms tend to ask themselves is, am I doing enough? And that seems to be a question that uh nags at them. You know, I'm looking at such and such a child, you know, they maybe they're ahead, uh, these other children are ahead. Am I doing enough? Am I doing right by my children? And I think the vision maybe to present our our wives is what does God want for us? He wants us to be faithful. Um we have to trust the outcome to him. But it is it is faith and faithfulness that he is calling us to.

SPEAKER_02 18:22

I think that's the key. It's not as if we need to receive all these expectations that are imposed on us by the system, the classical school system. That you know, these are the expectations for every fifth grader, seventh grader, ninth grader. No, no. It's it's it's being faithful to the charge that God has given to us in his word, and then that is adapted to each of our children, depending on where they happen to be. Bill, your your uh sense of expectations, imposing too much in terms of expectations. I think what Danny would just say is it's a matter of being faithful to the charge, and I guess I would also say the talents that God has given to each of us and to each of our children. Um but how do you deal with expectations? I mean, obviously, you know, other families, other school systems, et cetera, et cetera, can impose expectations that just aren't biblical. There's nothing in the Bible that says our 10-year-old has to read Plato and be factoring trinomials. You know, there's nothing in the book of Proverbs like that. And yet there is something in Proverbs about how we're to grow in diligence, honor for parents, and uh, and not to be the scoffer but to receive correction, etc. So the book of Proverbs to me is the standard that we work towards. And we can teach our child diligence and honor uh in the algebra class or plowing the fields of the back 40, either way. But but the idea that he's got to be an algebra at 10 years of age is is not to be found in the book of Proverbs. God gives us the standards.

SPEAKER_00 20:03

And I think we have to be careful, especially as as fathers, as husbands, that we're not setting the tone in the household of these huge expectations, and then we're discouraged when we uh fall short of expectations. Our children are just gonna mimic us. Our wives are gonna follow us. If we have this standard in our work, like, oh, I gotta get all this done, I gotta get all this done, and then when we fail, oh you know, I didn't make the top award, I didn't do this. Your children are like, oh, I guess succeeding means we have to do all these things. We have to be careful of that.

SPEAKER_02 20:36

Danny, your thought. On expectations and and you know, not making the expectations. Well, you know, I guess again, God is is the one to whom we report. Yeah. Right, ultimately.

SPEAKER_01 20:48

Well, uh I I've been given to this. I see this plenty in my life, this uh tendency towards uh the approval of men, and I'm I I'm reminded of Philippians three, and Paul gives us his list, uh circumcised the eighth day of the stock of Israel, uh, the tribe of Benjamin, the Hebrew of the Hebrews. And you know, I think we have our own list as homeschoolers, you know, reading by four, medicated exclusively with essential oils, you know. You know, you go on and on and you have your list. And he says, uh, what the uh what what things were gained to me, these I have counted lost for Christ. Yet indeed I count all things as lost for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus, my Lord. And and this verse, verse nine, right here, has been a real help for me in those moments of uh sensing the burden of worldly expectations. It says, and be found in him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law or from human performance or human righteousness, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith, that I may know him and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his sufferings.

SPEAKER_02 21:54

And how do we how do we convey that to our children? Just let's close it up, you know, saying how do we Communicate that in the teaching and discipline.

SPEAKER_01 22:03

Well, uh any kind of anger tends to reinforce you got to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. Okay, right, right. So when we respond to sin that way in our children, uh we're we're communicating this is my will for you, and you need to exert your will to bring this about fundamentally.

SPEAKER_00 22:19

And and the disappointment then, right? You if you show a disappointment when your child falls short of some expected goal, you know, you're you're teaching that child that dad's only happy when I succeed at all the goals. And so you have to treat disappointment or failure very, very gently and carefully. Aaron Ross Powell, Jr.

SPEAKER_01 22:37

So the alternative is to bring our children to the Lord and say, hey, this is what God wants for us. This is impossible in our own flesh. Right. Let's go to the Lord. Let's ask him to accomplish these things in our hearts.

SPEAKER_02 22:49

And on the one hand, it's appropriate to challenge them and say, this is an area in which we you need to grow, uh, but by the grace of God. And we're going to go to God for this because it is God who will work in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.

SPEAKER_00 23:02

And he's going to use the failures. The failures aren't just something that's in the way. Yeah. God uses the failures in our life. Life is made up of many failures that God uses to produce something greater in us.

SPEAKER_02 23:15

Well, friends, uh, this has uh been a very enlightening program for us. And uh I think we need to close on this issue that that discontentment ultimately is in gratitude. And and and the goal is for us to be grateful for the good gifts that God has already given us, and then expectant for the great grace and gifts he's going to provide for us in the future. That's the mindset, uh, gratefulness. And I we mentioned this last night as well that wow, if we could start every day in an attitude of gratitude, wouldn't that be something? If we could envelope our conversations in gratitude, starting out with, isn't it great what God has already done in our children's lives? Uh okay, we've some things to do, some other things to do, and then uh end with the gratefulness of what God has done and will do in the future. I mean, just that that grateful attitude, I think, makes all the difference in the world, Bill.

SPEAKER_00 24:15

You know, there's one of the more famous Christian songs of our day. In fact, it made it all the way to America's Got Talent. Uh, one of the few Christian songs that have been on there is CeCe Wynan's song about your goodness is running after me. All my life you've been faithful. All my life you've been so, so good. And your goodness just keeps running after me. I think Christians can can really attach themselves to that. If you're focused on the goodness of God, you're not going to have time to compare yourself to anybody else. Just stay focused on how good God is to you.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

Last thing, Kevin, uh, I'm taking away from this program is what is God calling our family to? And to seek the Lord, because that will give us a sense of vision and direction. Good. Uh, what are the things that He's given us? Things you mentioned, the gifts, how can we best steward those for His glory? We're not we're not advocating complacency here, uh, but a running after the calling that God has given us and doing it by His grace.

SPEAKER_02 25:13

Right. And and thereby, you know, to our own master, each of us will rise or fall. And we don't need to be comparing one with the other. That's Romans 14. Well, we appreciate the conversation here on comparisons on this edition of the Generations Broadcast, Discipleship for Dads. I hope this has been helpful for you. We had so much good input from uh South Africa, uh, from all over the place uh on this program. Friends, if you have inputs, uh thoughts, additions, subtractions, things we need to be addressing in this program, just email us at mail at generations.org. This is Kevin Swanson with Danny Craig and Bill Roach, inviting you back again next time as we continue to lay down a vision for the next generation. This has been a production of the Generations Media Network. For more information, go to generations.org/slash media.