Introduction: the sexual script

Welcome to Pleasure Narratives, a new podcast by The Pleasure Society and Iris van Domselaar. In this introductory episode, Iris - a trained sexologist and also our host - introduces herself and gives a brief overview of the key themes we will be discussing throughout this podcast: the "sexual script", sexual mysticism, and - most importantly - sexual pleasure. 

This podcast is created by The Pleasure Society and sexologist Iris van Domselaar. Here's where else you can find us online. 

The Pleasure Society: Website / Instagram

Iris van Domselaar: Website

Music by Jord van Domselaar @jordvandomselaar

All episodes recorded at So PR in Amsterdam 

Transcript

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Hi, and welcome to the Pleasure Narratives, a podcast by me, Iris van Domslaar, and the Pleasure Society. We're recording this from an amazing podcast studio here in Amsterdam. So thank you, So PR, for letting us use your space to create this together. In this podcast, we will talk about various themes surrounding sexual well-being, sexual pleasure, and intimacy. And we will talk about the sexual script a lot as well. And when we are talking about the sexual script, we are referring to a set of cultural expectations that basically tell us how to have sex and what is normal sex and what is desirable and what isn't. And these behaviors are seen as normal, but these norms do shape our desires as well and the things we think we like, and often without us realizing it. So by talking about this, we build the awareness we need to question those norms and create space for sexuality and pleasure on our own terms. We hope you will find recognition, inspiration, and information while listening to the intimate conversations I will be having with our guests. And since people will be sharing their utmost personal experiences and we will be talking about sensitive subjects, we would like to ask you to listen with an open mind and respect for our guests and their stories. Thank you. Okay, so you're listening to the very first episode of the Pleasure Narratives. So you're witnessing something new being born, actually. So it's our little debut. Thank you for being here. Um, and we are recording this from a really nice podcast studio here in Amsterdam. It's from So PR - I already mentioned it before, but I would like to give another shout out to you guys because it's so nice that we are being here. And also uh thank you to my brother who is recording the music uh for the introduction. I really like the ambient fairy vibe, so it's perfect. And each episode will host a different guest or talk about a different theme, um, but all surrounding the sexual script, as I told you a little bit about before. Now we'll we'll get to that later. Um, but you'll you'll hear stories, voices, perspectives, some close to my own and others very different. And I hope you can get a little closer to what pleasure really means to all of us. But before we go any further, I like to tell you guys a little bit about who I am. I am Iris, I told you guys before. Um, and I am a sexologist by training because I've always been quite fascinated by people and their interaction with each other, but also about their interest in sex and relationships and love. And that fascination actually started quite early on because I heard so many stories from friends, from partners about these themes, and a lot of them were quite negative as well. So, about being misunderstood or experiencing pain. And this actually surprised me because there is so many accessible information for us to read about these subjects. But why do we still feel so disconnected from our own pleasure? And I think that curiosity, probably combined with a bit of frustration as well, um, actually led me here to study sexology and to record this podcast together with the Pleasure Society. But before we continue, I would like to acknowledge something very important because I am speaking from my own experience, and I am a white, cisgender, able-bodied woman who identifies as bisexual and is a sexologist by training, but this of course gives me a lot of information, but there's also a lot of things I don't know. So I'm definitely not here to be this know-it-all sexologist. I would really like to be very curious and open-minded and just listen to what everyone tells me about their own perspectives and their own experiences, and hopefully create a space for many different voices and stories about sexual pleasure. Um, so please just listen and take what resonates with you and leave what doesn't, because this is just a few perspectives and definitely not the whole story. But now, since you have a better understanding of who I am, let's talk a bit more about why I'm here. So, as I told you guys before, of course, I'm a sexologist and I kept seeing all these peoples in my close environment. So, as I said, like friends and partners, but also reading about people being so misunderstood when it comes to subjects such as love or sex or gender. And I noticed how much misinformation still circulates about these themes, and I thought it's everywhere, it's in the media, it's in schools, it's in the conversations we have with each other, but also in silence. And I wanted to understand why and maybe even try and help change that a little bit, um, and not by telling people how to have sex, but by asking them what pleasure means to them and what's pleasure to you. So that brings us to our core theme, which is the sexual script. And I think some people might have already heard from it in its own term, but there are many different scripts. So there's one big dominant one which influences a lot of people, I think. But within communities, there are other scripts as well which might influence you. But what do I even mean when I say that? Um, a social script itself is basically a pattern of expectations we learn from the world around us. So it teaches us what's appropriate, what's desirable, and what's normal. So, for example, in the Netherlands, it is very rude, I think, for everyone to burp on the table. But in other countries, this might be a sign of appreciation. So these scripts are also very culturally dependent. And now, when it comes to sexuality, the sexual scripts, um, this script tells us how sex is supposed to happen. So who takes the lead and who is more passive, or what counts as real sex and what doesn't. These scripts aren't neutral, so they actually reflect and reproduce the social hierarchies of our society. And for instance, in many heteronormative and heterosexual scripts, I think it is quite common that the men will take on a more dominant and active position, and the woman will have a bit more, the woman will have a bit of a submissive and more passive role within the dynamic, and this shapes how we experience desire. It shapes how we experience pleasure, but also consent. And even if you don't identify within that framework specifically, these gendered norms still influence you because they don't only tell us how to have sex, but they tell us what the beauty standards are, they tell us how to feel about our bodies and what we are supposed to like. Um, so these gendered norms and these scripts, actually they influence us universally. And this is why becoming aware of these scripts matters, because I think when we unlearn them, something opens up. And I think we can actually start asking ourselves by what does pleasure mean to me and what actually feels good for me, and not because someone told me it should, but because I feel it. And that brings us to something broader, what I like to call sexual holisticism. And this might sound like a complicated term, but it's actually quite simple because the only thing I would like to say with sexual holisticism is just approaching sex in a holistic and positive way. So you of course have sexual pleasure and it revolves around physical sensation, but there are other factors we should take into account when talking about pleasure. For example, you have bodily sensations, but also your thoughts and your feelings, and even the context where it all takes place are so important for a desirable and positive consequence. So it's the freedom to explore your desire on your own terms beyond any rules and beyond any expectations. In its wholeness, sexual pleasure is a way to connect with yourself and with others fully and authentically. And that might look like sex, but it can also take shape in touch, in laughter, or even in silence and stillness. And in upcoming episodes, we'll explore how different people experience pleasure in their own lives, what they've been taught, what they've been learned, and maybe what they've unlearned. And hopefully together, I - hopefully together we can rewrite the sexual scripts, breaking taboos and dismantling the myths, celebrating the diversity of sexual pleasure. Thank you for tuning in and listening to the pleasure narratives.