The Uncomfortable Side of Becoming

This week on Did She Just Say That?, we’re talking about the kind of growth that doesn’t feel inspiring — it feels uncomfortable.

Becoming often looks like stretching, shedding, grieving old versions of yourself, and questioning everything. Why can growth sometimes feel like loss?

We unpack what happens when you start evolving — setting boundaries, saying no, choosing peace over chaos — and realizing not everyone will be comfortable with the new version of you.

Discomfort doesn’t mean you’re failing. It may just mean you’re rewiring.

In this episode, we explore the questions that come with growth:

What am I afraid to release?

Who am I becoming that scares me?

And how to embrace the next level of who you’re becoming.

And remember....You always have a seat at our table.

Love Ash & Chess

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:01

Hey y'all. Welcome to Did She Just Say That? This is episode seven. And I'm like, I had to think about it. We are halfway through the month of March. Almost two months down. Yep. So what are we talking about?

SPEAKER_02 0:18

Today we are talking about growth that feels uncomfortable. So um previous versions of yourself. Um celebrating and um becoming uncomfortable with growth, navigating that and some practical things to think through um to process growth.

SPEAKER_03 0:38

I love that. Celebrating and uncomfortable things. So oh I love it's a great combination. I love that. Well, if you haven't, make sure that you are following us on all the different social media platforms: Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and you can stream on most of your podcast streaming platforms, Apple Music, Spotify, and YouTube. If you want to watch, you can go over to YouTube and follow us and comment, and actually we can interact with you over there. So make sure you check all of that out. And if I didn't say I'm Jessin, I'm Ashley.

SPEAKER_02 1:23

Let's do this. You ready? All right, let's do it. So growth. When you hear that word um in our topics, what we've been talking about, what um words or phrases or anything comes to mind? Stretch. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:39

That comes to mind. Um, and I know that can be very literal as far as like you're stretching to grow, but um, you have to stretch your mind. You have to stretch what you're doing, you know, that that you're making those changes. So I think stretch is one of them. Um growth, I think, means dying to old things. Yeah. We're about to go into a season of blooming. Yeah. It's a great just mind thought process to be like, um gonna let that go. And you have to grieve it, obviously. Um those are the top ones I think that come to mind immediately. Those are great.

SPEAKER_02 2:28

Um journey, I just like growth as a journey. Oh yeah. And it's um I don't know, like it it can um happens at different points in life. And um but no, I think um you had I mean the stretching piece of it, like literal and and mind stretch.

SPEAKER_03 2:54

Um I don't think we should ever stop growing either.

SPEAKER_02 2:56

No.

SPEAKER_03 2:57

It's like people are always like, I've learned enough. And I'm like, I want to learn something new every day. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 3:02

And I think I know we talked about this before, like when I'm um when I'm dating, that's something I look for in a in a person as someone that's also um goals. Goals they're just not they're not stagnant they're not um stagnant. Um because if I'm growing like I'm gonna need a partner that's gonna grow with me too. Absolutely. And I'm gonna go with them too. So you don't outgrow each other. Yeah, absolutely. 100%. So let's got a few questions today and kind of build those in just to get some personal um experiences. But what is becoming sometimes feel like loss.

SPEAKER_03 3:39

Well, it it absolutely can be. You I think I kinda said that like you have to you have to grieve who you were or what you've overcome or maybe what you believed that is not true. You have to process that. Um I I don't think that there's a way not to. If you're truly growing, if you're wanting to go deeper, if you're wanting to make those changes.

SPEAKER_02 4:10

Yeah, absolutely. We talk we use the word grief quite a bit, and you would have asked me, you know, ten years ago grief. I'm like, you know, when I think grief it's someone that you love is passing away. Um but there's different griefs and absolutely um you can grieve a former version of yourself, um, even though you're working through it and maybe you're happy that you've outgrown, but there maybe are some bits and pieces in grief.

SPEAKER_03 4:37

Even in with death, like I know with grandparents that have gotten very elderly and they're not they're they're not getting to live their best life anymore. And you always hear people say, I'm so sad, but I'm also happy because that they were ready, right? And so grief doesn't always have to be just sadness, it can be a like, whoo, okay, I am I grew out of that. Absolutely, and it can be a happy, you know.

SPEAKER_02 5:10

Yeah, I um that that reminds me of like dad, like talking to him before he passed, he was like, I'm over here, like I'm going through it. I don't lose my dad, and he's over here like, girl, why are you crying? Like, I'm okay. And he was ready to go. Like he was like, I know where I'm going. And I'm you know, so there is some peace, I'm sure, in that. But um, but yeah, grief, and even though like you know, grieving versions of yourself, um, you can still many years later grieve absolutely um things from the past. So um it's not just like a here's your time frame, you're gonna grieve in this time frame, and then it stops. Yeah, you can't put time frames on grief. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:52

So and sometimes you may have overcome parts of your past, but not all of it, and it may resurface and it's like, okay, I have to revisit this again. You don't have to go backwards and heal from what you've already healed from. We we love playing physics. Um you don't have to go back and be like, oh, I have to, you know, feel all of those feelings that I've already healed from, but it may be deeper or it may be another part of it. And that I think that's healthy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:22

Most definitely. Um have a little saying here. We spent energy and strive to be accepted for who we are. Then growth happens. And you ask, will you be accepted for the new version of yourself? So, um, yeah, day-to-day striving to be loved and seen and heard and um and then change happens, and then now you're trying to find acceptance again.

SPEAKER_03 6:50

Um And it depends on the change because some change may take you to a place where you've outgrown. Absolutely. And if you haven't outgrown them, then they should be cheering for you. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 7:06

Yeah, if you have someone in your life today um that's not cheering you on, um, it may not it may not be you, it may be them still stuck in where they are and they're not ready to move like you are. And so that can change relationships and so yeah, most definitely.

SPEAKER_03 7:26

Have you had things that you have done in your life that your closest people haven't come around you and cheered for you?

SPEAKER_02 7:36

I mean, we both know that my man picker's not fantastic, and so I don't know what I mean. Have you well, I mean that that's the first thing that came to my mind, and it's not a dig on former boyfriends or husband or anything like that. Um but I mean, yeah, I mean, but they're they're looking for my best interest. And so when I tend to try to verbally validate our relationship and they see that it's probably not progressing and it's not where it should be, I mean, yeah, that's that's a hard it's not always accepted. No, they'll accept my final decision, but they're always like, you know, take care of yourself.

SPEAKER_03 8:21

Yeah, no, I think that I think I'm it wasn't the where you were going, was it? It's not, but it's okay. Um this person came to my mind. Maybe I didn't word it right. So have you ever stepped outside of your maybe your comfort zone or you've gotten a new position or something that you're just so excited about? So have and the people that are in your circle sitting at your table just aren't present.

SPEAKER_02 8:47

No, no, because those people are no longer in my life. Is that where you're getting is that where you're headed? Yeah, yeah. So just wondered if that was yeah, yeah. Can we erase the gap the gap figure? We're not editing anything. We don't which is unfortunate. So anyway, yeah, there's that. Um, another question.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

What previous version of you do you think about that?

SPEAKER_03 9:28

Probably young mom as far as my kids were young.

SPEAKER_00 9:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 9:34

Three toddlers and a seven-year-old. Um that was a season where there were parts of me that was still had a little it was it was the beginning of kind of losing my identity of the things that I enjoyed. Um my tight skin, the no wrinkles, no grays, um, but okay. Um but it was as that transition of where more of my personal identity was going and I was just inundated, you know. I'll never forget one time the um, I think it was, I don't know, like little guy selling stuff at like ATT or whatever, knocked on the door and I had on a pair of it was not Christmas time, on a pair of Christmas pajama pants, a pink sweatshirt, a yellow, like yellow robe, and these I don't even know, I'm gonna call them duck shoes, but they were like these house shoes, but you could wear them outside, they were like the crocs and they had like fur coming up. And I opened that door because he would not stop bringing the doorbell and I had a baby napping, and I was like, I have to go to the door. And I looked down and I was like, This is the best I got right now. Yep. And I took a picture and I was like, that this is this is my life right now, and that was the best that I had. Um, but I started losing me, not in a bad way, it was transitioning into that mother, the more like I'm juggling for kids. Um, but I definitely go back there and was like, hmm, how could I do that different? How could I have done that different to where I still held on to a little bit of my identity? Um, because as the kids started to get older and it was me trying to find that again.

SPEAKER_00 11:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:48

And there's still days where I'm like, well, hold on. Uh I need to check my I need to check me again. Because when I'm thriving, my house is thriving. So I'm not some I mean, you can call it selfish if you want, but it is making a happy home. And when I'm it when I'm down, the house feels it. So yeah, there were there was just that season where I look back and I'm like, hmm, there were still some really, really good things. There were some things that were being lost. I mean, I went from I just didn't tell anyone, took off one day, went to the salon. My hair was probably about here, if not longer. I mean, I chopped it. It looked like Elvis. It was gone. I was like, what can I what can I Were you all shook up? I was all shook up. Mm-hmm. You're you're welcome. It wasn't it was not yeah, my best. But I mean, yeah. Yeah. How about you?

SPEAKER_02 12:48

Um gosh. Previous version. I think of myself younger and how I just strive to impress and get all the awards and all the performance and all the things and um from early on, that's how I guess I try to get attention. Um, was from um, you know, the volleyball awards, the academics just trying to be seen.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:20

And after a while, like that worked for that was my life for a while. I you know, I performed so I can get a scholarship for later and you know, playing then, um in the collegiate level, like then wanting to play, then you're working your butt off to play. So but now my volleyball world is for fun and for um friendship. And so it's definitely changed. Uh I don't have to have that um I'm not striving to win an award anymore, I'm not striving to, you know, get playing time, but now my my um I guess I put that effort now into like performance at work or um performance with friendships. And so maybe it's more of just switched gears a little bit. Yeah. But I was a lot more anxious. I found myself anxious. Um younger. Yes, okay. I need a little trophy. Okay. Because I'm a millennial and we love trophies. Yeah, just patient. Do you like do you like trophies? Um, that's what I'm saying. Are you millennial? I mean You're Berlin. Ex Millennial. Yeah. I tend to cooperate with millenni with um ex because m my parents are older and that kind of thing, but uh parents are older. They're boomers. We're gonna just keep going. That's why. I like Bush Radio girl. Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:51

Um but yes, I would love for so no medals, it needs to be an award.

SPEAKER_02 14:58

Um, I'll take medals, but as we gold. It's just I prefer gold. Silver and bronze are kind of like we're not first or last. Uh it's a participation award. If you're not first your participation. Blessed. I know. Um, discomfort doesn't mean you're failing. It often means you're shedding.

SPEAKER_03 15:26

Say it again.

SPEAKER_02 15:27

Discomfort doesn't mean you're failing. Failing, okay. I thought you said failing. I was like, fail. Failing up, failing. Fail. Failing. Okay. That's my accent. It often means you're shedding. So what is that how do you interpret that?

SPEAKER_03 15:46

Well, when you're any t when there's discomfort, a lot of times it's like, what am I doing wrong?

SPEAKER_01 15:51

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 15:51

It's your first thought, right? Yeah, you question. And so that's where your mind wants to go, but really it's discomfort because you're making change. Right. And you're shedding what you no longer need to hold, that you no longer need to protect or let it take over your mind or your thoughts or your identity saying who you are. But discomfort is definitely not um always you gotta get comfortable with being discomfortable.

SPEAKER_00 16:25

Ooh.

SPEAKER_02 16:26

I like that though. Discomfortable. Because I feel like someone else has probably already quoted you have to be comfortable with uncomfortable. But I like yours because it makes a little difference. You need to be comfortable with the discomfortable.

SPEAKER_01 16:37

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:38

We'll go with it. We're gonna copyright that. Don't be using that. Don't use that. Um, do you think discomfort can sometimes rattle your nervous system? Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. How do you identify that? Like how do you call it out?

SPEAKER_03 16:56

Do you well I lived most of my life in a fight or flight state where my nervous system was always um rattled, unbeknownst to myself, which is very um eye-opening. I we'll we'll go with that. And so when I finally figured out what was going on, I was like, oh, okay. And learning how to regulate that. Yeah. Sometimes it's not that you want to rattle your nervous system, that's not it. But whenever you're doing hard things, new things, making change, it can happen. Just pause. Yeah. And power of the pause. Yeah. Get your nervous system back together. Whatever that looks like for you, it's different for everybody. And you need to learn how to regulate your nervous system for sure. But get that back together before you try to keep going. But know that change isn't easy. And the more you do it, just anything that's in repetition, the more you do it, the easier it does get. And it won't always rattle your nervous system. Right. To the extent of the of you know, your first time doing it or the big things that may rattle it.

unknown 18:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:30

I I when uh my nervous system is like functioning and at a good spot to make better decisions. Absolutely. Yeah. Making a decision, an emotional decision or an a decision when you're out of sorts um typically does not always happen well or play out well.

SPEAKER_03 18:57

I mean, this could go really deep, but we'll try to surface it. Um I'm I make my strongest and sometimes best decisions in hard situations. Because that's where I stayed for so long. And it became my quote, normal. And so I could function. But now with when it's clear, it's like sometimes it's like can we write all this a little bit? I gotta build on this. But it it's more peaceful now and it's more grounded and maybe more thought through. But yeah, hard um hard decisions can easily be made in the heat of a moment, which shows, you know, brings out a lot.

SPEAKER_02 19:56

So practical ways to navigate uncomfortable growth. Questions to ask yourself, what am I afraid to release or who am I afraid to release? Who am I becoming that scares me? So at times I do think that we get so comfortable um the uncertainty is hard to navigate. And asking the question what am I afraid of losing to become and to move forward is a great question because a lot of times that's a there's something that's holding you back.

SPEAKER_03 20:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:33

So um, but I think thinking about what will become what you are becoming, getting to that side of it.

SPEAKER_01 20:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:43

It's easier easier to go, well, why didn't I do that sooner? Why didn't I do that earlier? Or and I think you have to prepare yourself.

SPEAKER_03 20:50

Just like if you're cleaning stuff out, yeah, you know, like we're becoming, so we're talking about this as this m whole month. It's becoming and getting out the old and all of that. When you go to clean out something, you have to prepare. Like, what do I need? Do I need trash bags? Do I need totes? Do I need a maybe pal? Yeah, a maybe pal, yes, pal, goodwill pal. You know, like there's so many you have to prepare. So how are we preparing to do these things? Like it takes it's not just like, oh, okay, I want to this is what I want to do. I'm gonna do it.

SPEAKER_02 21:27

I'm gonna f I'm gonna become, I'm gonna tra change. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:30

It it takes work. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 21:32

Intentional work.

SPEAKER_03 21:33

And you're so you need to work on yourself. Mm-hmm. You need to prioritize yourself.

SPEAKER_02 21:40

Absolutely. Because it affects people around you.

SPEAKER_03 21:42

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 21:43

What does it cost you to stay in the old version of you? It can cost you everything. It can. Absolutely. And boundaries, how important those are not everyone's gonna benefit from them. But they are necessary. Yeah. When you are transitioning or becoming or what have you, it is very much important to create protect it if you set it you worked hard to get to it.

SPEAKER_03 22:09

Absolutely. And if you set a boundary and someone can't respect it then you've outgrown them. Yeah. That's my I mean and even if it takes time, you know, and that's okay. But say, hey, you know, I appreciate you respecting this boundary. Let's let's try this. And if they're like, okay, cool. And you see them trying or it's like, oh yeah, I'll do that, but then they're constantly going to the other thing. They're not respecting your boundary. They're telling you what you want to hear to trying to get what they want to get.

SPEAKER_02 22:39

100%. Practice journaling. Pausing. Move your body when needed. Releasing stress and tension, self-care.

SPEAKER_03 22:51

Moving your body is so much more important than a lot of us as women. It's like you're exhausted. Yep. You know, you're you're up early, you're making sure everybody's taken care of, you're getting them out the door, you're getting yourself out the door, you're going to work, you're coming home, you're doing the homework, you're doing the sports, all the things, whatever it looks like. And it's like, well I've been moving all day long. But it wasn't for you. Right. It was for everyone else.

SPEAKER_02 23:15

Stretch those muscles. Yeah. Um you know, find ways to create find that me time for yourself to reevaluate and um yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:29

Talk to someone. If you have someone that's close to you we I mean we talked about this. You you have to of course you have to trust them. Right. But let someone hold you accountable and I'll tell you it's not always easy. You may lose a friend over trying to hold them accountable. But if they've asked you to do it and you've agreed to do it then you have to even family sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 23:50

Record them and replay it and be like, hold on, you tell me you said it. Hold you accountable. But yeah those that that moment can be awkward and it can be I think it's important to also tell people that you love and trust. I'm going through a transition to become a better version of myself. Ask them what they think.

SPEAKER_03 24:12

What are some things that you can do to help make sure that it's people that you know are speaking yes love into you and that they want your best interest is not to benefit them. Right. Make sure they're coming from a pure heart, a pure place for your best intentions.

SPEAKER_02 24:27

And trust your instincts that gut. Hmm I know and one of those things I s I hear it all the time and it's one of those phrases I feel like that's used a ton. Trust your gut, trust your gut, right? And I know that's always right. Agreed. I I think some people well if you're not in a good spot and your gut's saying one thing may you could not maybe you're not in a healthy healthy place to make that decision. I will say I usually gut is right um for the most part and do we call it gut or Holy Spirit? Uh I mean Holy Spirit for believers. Yeah. Uh those that don't the Holy Spirit is always right. Yes absolutely but also like you know that's if something doesn't feel right it's probably not right.

SPEAKER_03 25:21

You know if it's not or it's bringing out something in you that you need to work through. Yeah. And their security makes your insecurity a little wobbly.

SPEAKER_02 25:34

Yeah. Yeah. So what does it feel like physically and emotionally? We talk about um I just I'll we've talked about the words that might give you a little bit of like a it looks like you're giving up something or you are releasing or put leaving something in the past but then there's a level leveling up and becoming that version and leveling up. So what does that look like physically and emotionally when you're leveling up what is what does that sound like to you?

SPEAKER_03 26:04

Oh power.

SPEAKER_02 26:05

Um Mario going a little mushroom.

SPEAKER_03 26:10

Yeah leveling up yeah yeah it I mean that's the one where like you get excited. I mean it's not like we're doing hard things. It's like you level up you let's go. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:20

Yeah um like chest bump. Yeah like yeah absolutely so yeah I I I think that that goes along with we talked about like switching gears and your mindset. And if you focus on leveling up and not so much on leaving something behind. That's just a it's a way to rewire your brain on how you're becoming yeah. And leveling up can be whatever you it wants to be for yourself. Absolutely. Yeah. Whether you want to be a celebration. Yeah. Absolutely so yeah I I've really this topic's been great. Um we've worked through the relationship piece in February. Now we're talking about you know decluttering becoming and springs kicking off we had a false spring day we did the other day. Um so beautiful it's gorgeous. It was gorgeous. And so maybe this is a time I mean I'm hoping and I know I'm sure listeners are probably going oh um these girls are funny but oh that's a good idea or great point. You know what I mean? And so hopefully this helps uh kind of prepare you for a season maybe you're going through a season or maybe you're you haven't been thinking about it and now you're going yeah I need it I need to face something today or work through it. When we talk about community we truly want um people to like you don't have to have it together to come to the group. Please don't have it together. Yeah yeah because then you're gonna we're gonna be leaning on you. Not just that you might not want to hang out with us. Maybe not but at the same time you know if you want to be held accountable, you know, find someone to just someone walk with you. Yeah walk with you. Yeah life is not easy and you know I always say this we are not to be to do commute like live this life alone I think that you need people. Um and so yeah we're we're here to support however however we can life be life in life be life in yeah so don't forget that you always have a seat at our table. All right. We're up in we'll be at more one more week of March but we did it. And we didn't burn anything down look at that.

SPEAKER_01 28:52

Of course we didn't know