Mother’s Day Isn’t Always What You Think: The Truth No One Talks About

This Mother’s Day episode goes beyond flowers and brunch, diving into the real, layered emotions behind the day. We talk about redefining what it means to celebrate, honoring the women who’ve shaped us in all kinds of ways, and holding space for those navigating infertility, loss, or complicated journeys with motherhood. It’s raw, honest, and full of perspective—because Mother’s Day isn’t one-size-fits-all, and no one should feel unseen in it. 💛

Love, Ash & Chess

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Hey, welcome to Did You Just Say That? I'm Ashley. And I'm Jessin. And we are coming to you uh for Mother's Day. So first and foremost, I want to say happy Mother's Day, Jessin, to you. Thank you. And to all the moms out there. And also that you can catch us streaming on all the platforms. You can also catch us on Facebook, TikTok, Instagram. YouTube. YouTube. Yes. You can watch us on YouTube. If you are brave enough to do so. You can do that. So yeah, we are coming to you in May and just excited to talk more about um this month. It's a beautiful month and we're excited and everything's blooming. Everything's blooming, yes. And um yeah, allergies are real real deal right now. I never had allergies until I moved to Kentucky. Really? Yeah. Yeah. The real allergies, not the Ashley's always. Not Ashley, yeah, those are different allergies. Those are so yeah. So yeah. So we're taking a different spin. We are going to say. Yeah. Tell us more about that.

SPEAKER_01 1:09

You want me to? Yeah. Okay. So not that we don't want to shout out our amazing moms. Um Love You Mom. Yes. Love you, mom. You do it.

SPEAKER_02 1:20

Oh, I don't know what you're doing. I was just doing that. No. I was trying to do the things that we did.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Oh, I don't know. Um but we always say that we want to talk about the things that people don't say out loud and that they don't talk about. And I've heard some talk about this. So we want to talk about the other side, not oh, that we did this and everybody's great and this and that. Um Mother's Day one can be hard for people. And two even as a mother, Mother's Day can still be hard.

SPEAKER_02 1:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

In a lot of ways. And not every mother wants to be celebrated the same way. And I feel like sometimes we carry guilt for the way that we want to spend our Mother's Day.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 2:11

And I just want to give that topic some I I g just some room to be comfortable without guilt on it looking differently and to know that we see the women like you.

unknown 2:36

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

That Mother's Day isn't always it's hard to go and celebrate your mom or your friends.

SPEAKER_02 2:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

And so the baby showers, the yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:49

They're hard. Yeah. They were hard. And and you know, can still be a little bit, but and it comes in waves and that's okay too. Sure.

SPEAKER_01 2:57

So that's what we're gonna be talking about on this. Yeah. We're gonna dive into that a little bit. I gotta fix this mic.

unknown 3:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 3:03

And different experiences and different and that's I think Chess, that's what makes this podcast so beautiful sometimes is that we're not the our lives have like we've connected, but we've lived different lives. Yeah. And in multiple ways. And this is one of them. And but we still find connection and we still find that friendship.

SPEAKER_01 3:27

And we're open to see each other in those situations instead of overlooking them or kind of trying to stay away from them. We'll go there.

SPEAKER_02 3:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

And that's what we want this to be about is going in the hard places or eat I mean, of course we like fun, but so if you are a mother or a woman that struggle with this day or carry guilt because the way you want your mother's day to look, I hope that you'll take the time to listen and feel seen and loved.

SPEAKER_02 4:03

Yeah, we see you.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

And that you will own what it is that you want and feel very confident in it and let that guilt go. Yes. Um do you want to share a little bit or do you want me to first? How you want to do it, babe? Go for it. Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_02 4:21

Go for it and yeah, we can definitely do that.

SPEAKER_01 4:24

So I became a mama in my 20s. And it was we lived here, we moved here when I was pregnant. Um, there was no family. Weren't a lot of kids in on my mom's side of the family, which I'm closer to my mom's side than I am my dad's. And so it was very I I mean, I knew nothing. Yeah. And it was scary. Um did you hold babies growing up? Like did you were you were? Oh, we did a lot.

SPEAKER_02 4:55

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:57

Babyset started babysitter when I was like 12. It wasn't that, it was the pregnancy part. Yeah. Um scared me. Oh my gosh. And I was huge. Like my nose basketball belly was no, everything on me was pregnant, even my ears, my toes. Everything on me was pregnant.

SPEAKER_02 5:16

I didn't know you and you were pregnant, so um, sick.

SPEAKER_01 5:24

We meant sick. Sick. Yeah. I was swelled. Swell. My grandma used to say, honey, you look swollen. It's called sad, but bless it. Um I and then I suffered a lot of loss. Had a couple of miscarriages, I had a tuple pregnancy, um, and had a best friend that lost a baby in birth. Um it was just a really weird, hard time. Um I always knew that I wanted to adopt way before I had kids. And that I w was able to be a mom in different ways than just childbirth. Um and so yeah, it was it's been a it's been an interesting journey. Beautiful one. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. Um, and then as far as Mother's Day, you know, when you're a mom and you have a mom, mother-in-law, and all of the things you still want to celebrate your mom and your mother-in-law and all that, but it's like I'm the one that's right now changing the type person, but then you look at it and you're like, but they did this and they deserve the celebration. So there's that push and pull on how are we all celebrated, you know. Um, I had a really good friend. I was telling him that we were recording this, and he was like, Hey, I would love for you to touch on as a woman, how could we, as men, whether it be spouse, boyfriend, or even like he and I are friends, and he was like, How could I celebrate you on Mother's Day as your friend? And I was like, Yeah, like, will you touch on that? I was like, you know, that is beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 7:21

That is beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

Because I think some men don't know, like, okay, I'll get flowers and have the kids make a card right and they just you know, they're unsure. There are years where I want to um the one thing that kids and I do if it's warm enough, we try always go kayaking on Mother's Day.

SPEAKER_02 7:39

I love that.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

Um, I love to kayak, they all have their own now. It used to be I want to go with you all. Okay. Gage was always able when once we started kayaking to have his own. Rue would be in the kayak with me, and then I had a blow-up kayak that I would put both of the boys in and tie them to me.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:59

Because they so I am rowing for me and three people with the cooler and everything from my back and my shoulders were ripped when they were allowed. But now they can all they all have their own. Um, but that's something that I love to do with them. Um, and then there are some years. I have had a girlfriend that her spouse always worked on Mother's Day. So we would always take the day and he would plan it and we would go. We made candles one year, we went to just different places. Yeah, and it was beautiful, but I always carried this guilt. I'm not with my kids, I'm not doing this, I'm not doing that. It is your day of celebration. It's okay to have breakfast with your kids and then go and do something with your girlfriends or by yourself. You want to go get a massage? Go get a massage.

SPEAKER_02 8:52

Is that a way you could help some of your exather out?

SPEAKER_01 8:55

Let them tick the kids for a little bit, you go have some time. I don't want to clean house today. I don't want to blow the dishwasher, I don't want to touch laundry, just Sunday, and that's usually a day of doing that.

SPEAKER_02 9:06

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

Yeah. But it is okay to be to celebrate and to be celebrated in different ways. It's not your kids are all over you every single day. Right. And it's fine. Like, I want to go do this and then we'll do a dinner, or I'm we'll have breakfast and then I'm going to go and do this. And I feel like the kids get like this is mom's day. She's gonna go do her thing. Yeah. And then it's like, well, let's get her a gift card so she can go shopping. Oh, well, let's get her a massage. And so it becomes it it should be normalized that it is your day to spend how you want.

SPEAKER_02 9:45

I like that.

SPEAKER_01 9:46

And for I think sometimes thankfully, I shouldn't say thankfully, I don't like it, but because so many of my friends have dealt with infertility or lot baby loss that I don't feel uncomfortable having the conversations with you or reaching out to you on Mother Thursday and my other girlfriend, hey, I'm just checking in, I want you to know I love you and I see you. Um it wasn't what you wanted, it wasn't what you know you thought it was gonna look like and I'd never want you to feel forgotten or unseen.

unknown 10:29

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 10:32

Yeah, it's yeah it's a different perspective for sure. Yeah, don't be scared to reach out to those ladies. And there are a lot of women that play the mother role in your life in different aspects that aren't your birth mom or the mom that raised you and celebrate. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:56

It's a great point.

SPEAKER_01 10:57

I have teachers that played such a role in and even now women that have poured into me in adulthood that you know I want to be that woman that one day I get that text. Yeah, I love it. My oldest son, his friends will always text me on Mother's Day. And I love that that because I know who those women were for me and what it means.

SPEAKER_02 11:24

Um just don't forget that's beautiful, and I think that you know it's just a different it's a different way to think. When you think of Mother's Day, it's like you have your key and then I'm then it kind of like blends out a little further and then a little further, and then you're think about the key people like every woman in your life that is of age, a birthing age, is a different situation. So um it's very kind and and and thoughtful to think of other people in that time room too. So yeah. Yeah. Well, I enjoy watching you be a mom. It's it's great, and it's because I you're like you're my friend, but I get to see you m and momming, you know what I mean? And two totally different people, by the way. Yeah. And we are a little more careful of what we say, um, you know. But um but no, it's and and now to see your kids are you know, they're growing up and you're one of those women that they will I mean that they will reach out to you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

And I know that and I love that. My mom always had women in around us growing up that I mean, just having this conversation, there's so many women that are running through my head.

SPEAKER_02 12:42

Maybe we do a post and oh yeah, that'd be fun. Yeah, just like tag people and yeah, feel free to tag people in this this podcast uh episode.

SPEAKER_01 12:52

Yeah, what kind of women men and women, but what kind you all let us know. Like who was someone that poured into you that you remember think I mean, like I said, there were I had a few teachers, but there was one middle school teacher. I lived with her. Really? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And she was like family. Uh fun story. My mom knows this, so it's not a secret anymore. But uh had one girlfriend that we were going to a party and she told her dad she was staying at my house. I told my mom I was staying at her house.

SPEAKER_02 13:33

Love those stories.

SPEAKER_01 13:34

And we were staying with another girlfriend. Well, other girlfriend had other plans. And the girl that out that she and I went together um got a little had a little too much to drink, and she had a standard, and I didn't even have my license yet, and didn't know how to drive a standard yet. And um is a standard or a stick shift. Mm-hmm. Um standard. Sorry. Um, I had to drive, and there is a heel going from nitro to cross lanes back home. Everybody knows Oak Gulf Mountain Road, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And I was like, oh my gosh. Sounded like pretty woman or Julia Robertson, pretty woman, yeah, grinding them gears. Fantastic. Um, and we called that teacher, and I was like, We gotta come there. I'm not getting in trouble. And she was like, come on. And so uh drove us to her house and we spent the night. I love that. That's fantastic. She was our safe person, she didn't ask any questions. She thought a question when yeah, and she didn't have her today. She didn't have any children either. Yeah, it just that just hit me. But she was a mom to so many of us. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:03

Julie Melton, we love you so I love that so much.

SPEAKER_01 15:08

That's awesome. Oh, I think her last name's Strawler now. Yeah, sorry. Um yeah. Just awesome. Don't forget 'em all. Just remember them.

SPEAKER_02 15:22

Yeah. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 15:25

Totally be okay. How do you see Mother's Day?

SPEAKER_02 15:31

What are some of the this is I'm I might get emotional on this one. I don't know. It's okay. You're allowed. For the world to see. So close your eyes and your ears, guys. Yeah. Yeah, don't watch on YouTube. Um so let's look at my my mom and my sister-in-law who have been a huge part of my life. Um and also my sister-in-law's mom who is awesome. Like she's one of the best humans ever. Delane, um, you're awesome. I love you. And so yeah, it's just I I know that you know, I'm celebrating my mom. I don't have the in-law, the mother-in-law to celebrate. But I do have some very influential women that have mentored and been there. Uh I've got I think I think you know this. I have like twenty-some aunts and uncles and every every one of my aunts have played some sort of role in my life. Um, on both sides of my mom and dad's side. And so I have different relationships with different ones of them, but they've all ported me in some sort of way. Whether it was, you know, my faith or my you know, just life in general, just reaching out to me throughout different parts of parts of my life. So I've got a lot of fantastic women in my life. I have you have and just a really uh good group. And not not every one of my friends is a mom. And so, yeah, very, very different lives, but um yeah, so that's that that direction. The I was a stepmom for 10 years, and I think for me, I think we I've told this story in the last podcast that one of my memories younger is like what do you want to be in and grow up? And it's like a mom. To be so like that was always like an expectation in the back of my mind that it never crossed my mind that it wouldn't happen. Right. Right. And so being married, you know, and then even going, well, I'm young, and like even if they're older, you know, the guy's older, I'm young. Um my birthing time frame is you know, it's perfect time. And so, you know, didn't know for the longest time, but just kept thinking like, it's not the right time, and and then, you know, getting the news of you know, and women are probably experienced the whole fibroid issues and all the things and just the obstacles that were in the way. And then to know and finally find out that the only way for me to not have the pain anymore and to have a potential well, it wouldn't even be a potential anymore, but to remove that fibroid when that fibroid was attached. So the only option was to remove to remove it all. And so I remember my surgery happened in May. Right? The Derby week. It was derby week because I was feeling good that week, I guess. But bedding horses. But um it was the first week of May, and what comes right after that? That's Mother's Day. And I try to prepare myself before that surgery date. Like you know, and and I did and I think that I grasped it until I didn't, until like waking up and recovering, and then I had that week and I was healing and I was and then Mother's Day came. I think that for me was like that moment of like it's not gonna happen. And so sorry. Yeah, I apologize. But I I'm and I'm okay with it now. Right. Right? Like it was just a I rem remember that feeling. Um but I look back on all of it and I'm like, I was so blessed to be a stepmom for ten years. And I got to experience that. Um and so in my own way I have been, I have experienced that. I have two amazing nephews. I've got kids that, you know, I'm surrounded um with my friends that have children. And so you're so intentional too. I try to be. Um and I'll tell you this. I grew up and I was a baby. I had cousins and all, but like I didn't hold a lot of babies. My we have like little cousin ty like sets of ages. Okay. And so I had like ten year older cousins, and then I have my age, and then it kind of drops off a little bit from there. So there's not a ton of like I didn't have a lot of babies growing up. Okay. I'm kind of like that girl that looks awkward, like holding a baby now, and like, but after I get settled, I'm like, oh I love this.

SPEAKER_00 20:23

But yeah, just mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 20:26

Yeah. But so any woman that is like going through that right now, um You are so seen. Yeah, you are seen 100%. Um I was actually in the adoption process for two years. I don't know if many people know that company. That's how it's how we met. It is. And it didn't happen for us. And but also I'm really glad that I experienced that. I mean, it was hard. There's the highs and lows. I mean, I remember in the very beginning, I was like, let's get this book rolling out, and that first you know, it's gonna happen really quick. And it was like the waiting and the waiting and the waiting. And so yeah, it was just it was um a roller coaster. Yeah. But I will say, just looking back, like I've made amends and I've made peace with it. And for those that have not made peace with that yet, that's okay. Um, but just know you're not alone in that. And and I feel like infertility is such a huge topic these days and many women go through it, but talk about it. Um that's not something that I promise you that you wanna hold in. Um so yeah, I would th those are everyone has a different story, but definitely no, you're not alone.

SPEAKER_01 21:53

I love that aspect and you've said this multiple times, and I don't know that we've ever really Into it, but the way that you see when you say, I got to experience because I got to be a stepmom for 10 years, and I love that. It's something that you talk about very joyfully. There are no regrets, there's no sadness to it, and the way that you it yes, it's part of your story, but you don't take it to the negative side, like I've lost this, or I still don't have that. You stay so positive in it and speak so um pure hearted about it that it's very beautiful, Ashley, in the way that you're able to not be negative Nancy.

SPEAKER_02 22:42

Yeah, I mean well, I gained that. I gained that experience, and so I mean, I still pray for I I mean, I guess they're my ex-stepsons, but I pray for them daily. I mean, they're gonna grow up and they're gonna, you know, have their own families and you know, and and it's and it's I have to watch that from afar, and that's okay. Um, they have fantastic mom and dad, and they had all the family and and everything that surrounds them, but I did get to, you know, I I know that even if they don't think of me today, there's a little part that I had in there. Part of their story. Yeah. Um that I had in their in their lives. And so I look at that as a Godwing. Like, I know you're not able to have babies, but you, you know, and I got to experience that. So yeah, it's definitely more of a gain than a loss.

SPEAKER_01 23:32

And so that's all about perspective and who you are as a person, and that's very beautiful, Ashley.

SPEAKER_02 23:38

Thank you. And I think that's the choice we we get to make is you know, talk about the victim and the and the victor, you know, you know, life happens to you or you make life happen and and But it's still okay to be sad. It's okay. And it yes it comes out. Absolutely. Whether you're done with this fool, you have been sad many times. Right. But coming out of it um as you know, this was a great experience. And so I embrace it and you know, I'm the more that we're doing this podcast episode, like the I'm I'm loving myself more and I'm trying and it's hard to like it, you know, there's being humble, but like there's a part of me, it's just like you know, it's okay to say you're proud of you know where you are and how far you've come.

SPEAKER_01 24:24

You should be proud. So and it's yeah. Well we've talked about this. What if one person gets something out of this that helps them, yeah. That's that's all we want. We don't want we want you to be seen. We don't want you to be alone. And if this helps you we'll keep going. Yeah. Not gonna stop. Right. Yeah. So your perspective is beautiful and you were sharing about um have having the hysterectomy. You know, I had four kids when I had to have mine and it wasn't a choice.

SPEAKER_00 25:02

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 25:04

And waking up, like so when you talk about that, I'm like, I couldn't imagine because for me it was still like, I mean, because it's like they take it away from you, you don't get the choice ever again, you know, and it's something as a woman that is so I don't know. I mean, you know, it's always like when you're having a kid, when you're having a baby, when you're having another baby, when you and it's just always pushed, pushed, pushed so hard that when you don't have the choice, even if you like I I I I the pain that came out of it, like I'm like, I honestly can't imagine because even in my even where I was, I mean, gosh, I had three toddlers at home, you know, and a seven-year-old. So I shouldn't have, but it's still it's not a choice anymore. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:55

It's out of the one thing that that I remember thinking, I was like, God has put us on this earth to procreate and I no longer can be a part of that.

SPEAKER_01 26:09

That was well that is a lash straight from the bubble though, because they're think of all the people in the bubble that absolutely and so but that is a small little little whatever that blew up and I was like I was like, am I a great cook and I can't like what kind of woman am I?

SPEAKER_02 26:27

I can't have a baby and I can't, you know, like burn them hot dogs. Burn them hot dogs, like burn them hot hot or b was it dad bowl. You would burn bowl of water, but you know, that to me was just uh but that was yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot. And well, and you know that now. I know that now.

SPEAKER_01 26:48

When you're in it, think of it, oof don't do it alone. No, do not walk that alone. And you know, sometimes it's best to talk to a stranger because yeah, you can say whatever. You're closest friends, sometimes it's hard.

unknown 27:07

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 27:07

So if there is not someone, if you're in that stage of life or you are going through the thick of it, you got two people right here that Yep.

SPEAKER_02 27:17

No judgments. They're none.

SPEAKER_01 27:19

None at no judgment at all, but how you handle it or anything. We uh we will support you in any way that we possibly can. Absolutely. We never want someone going through that alone. And as a man, if you have a spouse or a girlfriend that is going through that, please do the research on how to support her so she doesn't feel alone when you're right there beside of her.

SPEAKER_02 27:39

Yeah. But also, you know, there's some grieving in your world.

SPEAKER_01 27:44

Absolutely. And don't downplay that either. Yeah. You know, they have that role of just supporting the woman and no one sees them hurting because they're going through it because they're you know, yeah, being strong and it's you know, so yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:59

That I'm really really happy that we went this direction with it perspective because we could have sit here all day and been like, you know, throw some roses around and like happy Mother's Day, and it's a beautiful day still, like absolutely. Of course. And but also there are those they can be hard and it's okay. It's okay. I mean we have Father's Day coming up and so there's uh you know Yeah. It is not a day that I like. Yeah. Right. So but and then yeah, the flip side of this is if your mom's no longer here with you and it's a hard day, you know, there's I know. I don't even want to think about it. It's just one of those things where in some capacity there could be a her, even though your whole whole the whole day is maybe not sad, but there could still be some things that are that have linked, but um yeah, you're not alone. You have us uh reach out, you know, and this is why we're doing this. This is literally why we're doing this, is to create community and create talk about the things that people don't necessarily want to talk about or it's comfortable talking about.

SPEAKER_01 29:12

So I mean it's not like everything that that I say about being a mom shines some bright light and go of goodness on me, but it's it's real.

SPEAKER_02 29:19

I mean, raising teenagers, my goodness, like not for the faint of heart at all. So no, it's not but your story's beautiful and it's so great to see you. It's so great to see you in that light. I really enjoy it, so but yeah, shout out to everyone for regardless of where you are, you're in your journey, your love, and happy mother's day.

SPEAKER_01 29:47

Happy Mother's Day and if it's not Mother's Day, happy you day. That's right. And remember that you always have a seat at our table.

SPEAKER_02 29:59

This is I know, I gotta I gotta fix that.