Breaking What Broke Us: Generational Curses

Some family patterns don’t start with us… but they can end with us. 🫶🏼

In this episode, we’re diving into generational curses, unhealthy family patterns, and the learned behaviors many of us carry without even realizing it. From toxic communication and emotional suppression to relationship struggles, survival-mode coping mechanisms, and repeating cycles we swore we’d never become—we’re unpacking how these patterns get passed down from generation to generation.

We share real-life examples, honest conversations, and the importance of acknowledgment as the first step toward healing. Because you can’t change what you refuse to recognize. Our hope is that this episode helps listeners identify the cycles they may have inherited, understand where they come from, and begin the work of breaking them so they aren’t passed on to future generations.

Healing may start with awareness—but it changes everything after that. ❤️‍🩹 

Bring a seat and join our table for this one.  

Ash & Chess 💛💛

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Hello and welcome back to Did She Just Say That? I'm Chessin. And I'm Ashley. And today we are diving into breaking what broke us. We're talking about generational curses.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Warning, this is gonna be Yeah. It's gonna it's a subject for sure. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:26

Trigger warning. Mm-hmm. Um you can find us on all of the places. Streaming. I don't know. Do we name all this where we're streaming now? No. Just the all those places. And you can come why if you want to watch, you can check us out on YouTube. And if you want to be part of the community, come join us on Facebook, Instagram, and Tiki Talk. Tiki Talk, yep. Did she just say that? You'll see our mugs on there. We'd love to have ya. Alright, sis.

SPEAKER_00 1:02

Excuse me. Generational curses.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

We all got 'em.

SPEAKER_00 1:06

Ooh, we do. And don't want them. I know. And I'm just curious. I I'm gonna ask questions during this and feel free to respond or however, whatever, but um, do you are you aware of them? I guess is the first first thing. It's a really good thing to sit down and like really think through, I think, and call it out and for what it is and I feel like it's another one of those things that is talked about a lot more now than it was years ago.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

A lot of that was just, well, this is who we are, or this is how I was raised. And there are still people that are like that, I guess, but just wasn't as I feel like this generation is more open and talks about things and makes changes more than staying in that cycle.

SPEAKER_00 2:01

Yeah. I think so. I think so. And I think that I mean, I've always heard like it's this social it's accepted in the family or it's just something that everyone has tolerated and accepted and you almost become the black sheet of the family by calling it out and pretty much saying like it's soft here. And so I'm gonna go through and name some things, uh, generational curses, and this is not a jab at mom, dad, grandparents, what have you. I want to throw that out there, or aunts, uncles, cousins, whatever. It's more of a an awareness thing, and I'm sure some of the things that I'm sharing are very, very much consistent with a lot of people and a lot of families. There is dysfunction in families, and you all it some families are very, very like let's hide it, not talk about it. And some are, you know, let's let's face it and talk about it. And and so I've seen both sides. Yes. So I'm gonna go through and name a couple. Okay. Mm-hmm. So anxiety seems to be a pretty big thing. Like as I grew up and saw mom and dad anxious and what have you, it was like, oh, that's like a it's a norm. It's a norm. Oh, okay. Carry down, you know, grandma was, you know, she was taking medication for anxiety or yada yada yada. So something about like just a anxiousness in general just very prevalent in both sides of my family. My doctors always ask me like questions about anxiety. And I'm like Yeah. And I've always been that person that was like, I will never take the medication but after dad passed, I was like, I literally don't know how to deal and cope. So yeah, I um but I think when you get to a point in your life where you're like it's needed.

SPEAKER_01 4:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:02

But that's just an awareness, anxiety is very prevalent. Do you have any of that? You want to share, or should I share the ones that I have listed from my family? We'll go through on.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

Well, and I don't think all of them are from your family. I think some of them are right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:16

We just and they're also just generic ones that are right. Fear, alcoholism. I think I've talked about alcoholism quite a bit. Um, with my being raised Catholic on both sides of my family, which then brings in gambling. Um, can be a generational curse. Family secrets, like addiction, lack of like holding grudges, lack of forgiveness. I feel like that can be something carried throughout family history. Emo emotional blockage don't have feelings, don't share, addictive personalities, obesity, lifestyle, very social family, food. We we were we food and alcohol was like a social gathering. That's what we knew in in playing cards, so gambling. Abandonment, manipulation, these are all just and and some of them may be patterns versus actual curses, but I think we mentioned earlier, you know, I think the first thing, and I was I will say this, I was literally at church today and the question was like asked, and I was like, This is the first time I brought those down. And through each one of them I I thought I'll I have a hard time creating these. And then as I started writing us, it started flowing. Yeah. And oh yeah. And so yeah, do you think these are alike?

SPEAKER_01 5:48

Oh, our families are a lot alike.

SPEAKER_00 5:50

Yeah. So some similarities. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:53

Alcoholism, gambling, um family secrets. I think I was twenty six when I found out I had a half a brother. Yeah. Um but the family knew.

SPEAKER_00 6:09

Yeah. But no one talks about it. Yeah. And also I think it's common with so like um family or kids happening outside of wedlock and or family secrets of like just things that like you said, family know, but they don't talk about it. Not a known thing, like abuse or you know, just things that are very hidden. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:32

This was not my that yeah. This is not my family, but um there was a grandmother that was in my life that I knew. Um, and I think it was maybe her brother or something was abusive. And she said, Well now, she walked into that punch. We were all like, I'm so What and a good hearted woman, but I'm like, Wow. Just th that was Yeah. And she did not see anything at all wrong with Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:09

And there was a lot of abuse in that family.

unknown 7:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:13

So I guess my question with all that being said, are these things that you carry along, or are these things that are it's time to break them?

SPEAKER_01 7:24

I feel like we are a generation that is like we will break these curses. We will not and I love that. Like I love being a part of that. I love watching even some of my family members, I watched them and some of it's just like on social media. I'm like, wow, just one generation difference in the life that they are living compared to the life that their parents lived. Yeah. It's so amazing. Um, I have a huge family on my dad's side, huge. Yeah. And so we're spread out all over. Um, but it's really cool getting to see and just watching them because I know that there are things that generational curses that they have broken and watching them raise their kids and I mean I'm sure that they probably say the same when they say, you know, yeah. My my dad was in jail when my brother was born. And um I didn't realize as a kid when I was looking at those baby pictures that there were numbers on his shirt for a reason. Yeah. It wasn't a marathon. It was right. It wasn't a bib. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but it's j I'm sure that people were watching, like, wow, that's little Eddie's daughter. That's little Eddie's son, you know, but very different life. Not saying that he was a bad man, he made some bad choices, you know, but um there's a lot that has changed from my grandfather on my mom's side was a alcoholic. I mean that and like cirrhosis is real.

SPEAKER_00 9:02

Yeah, I you don't hear but a a ton, but back then Oh yeah. Yeah, like drinking people yourself to death basically. Like that happens.

SPEAKER_01 9:12

And my mom's um my grandmother struggled really bad with mental health really bad and would not go to the doctor until she was older and she became ill and we were able to get her on medicine. And it was so beautiful getting to enjoy her because I was always close with my uh grandmother. Um but I mean it was it was a crazy childhood. I mean, she would call me, you know, this was before cell phones and so we're on landlines. Yeah, she called my house and would swear that she saw people putting me in the trunk of a car, that she was watching it happen on the phone with me. Yeah. Um, and there was just so much with that with her mental health that went un undiagnosed and untreated that I feel like my, you know, my mom was always really open with us kids about it, and her sisters were we it was talked about. Yeah. Um, it wasn't hidden, it wasn't overlooked. Um, it was something we learned how to deal with, but it also it my mom and her sisters were like, we will not. And they they put in the work to break that um and to carry on down with us, you know. So, but yeah, it was some things aren't secretive, you know. Right. And not that they should be for my family, you know, there are we don't know from with all of my kids what their history per se is. So there's you know, there's so many questions there um sometimes health wise and this kind of stuff, like what are we up against, you know? But sometimes it's beautiful too because you don't get that in your head. Right. You know, because there were so many things even just from my parents. I don't know if you feel this way that's like I don't want to carry this on or I don't want you know, they're kind of they're free of that. Um, which can be beautiful because it sometimes you become what people speak into you. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 11:24

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

Without even realizing it. Um and you're gonna be just like your mom or you're gonna be just like your dad and um so there's a beautiful side to that as well, I think.

SPEAKER_00 11:36

Yeah. I really think you mentioned something earlier about so and so's kids or they are growing up in a small town, there are like I don't know, labels. Oh yeah. Generational curse labels even. Oh, that family has a history of this, or that that doesn't surprise me at all because their mom was this, you know, is so yeah, that just reminds me. But I do think that this new Gen Z, Gen Alpha generation is I'm seeing a lot of just because I study it quite a bit, but there's a lot of health is a forefront. So what you're putting in your body, and so a lot of these natural things. Beef tello on your face, a lot of these natural things that people are doing, they're looking at more of their health and cutting the you know, the obesity stuff and carrying that and being more cognizant of what we're putting in our bodies. Also, um, what else was it? That they're oh the bourbon or not the bourbon, the spirit industry is where it's decreasing because they're getting more involved with like more gummies and the relaxation and the THC stuff. And so we're seeing that market change quite a bit as well. We're seeing just a lot of different in therapy. There are I love a good therapy goer. It's not just a stigma thing, right? It is a almost like a oh you go to therapy, we'll meet it. Like it's a little more talked about.

SPEAKER_01 13:09

Well, and you can have the conversations so much easier whenever I mean because do you remember when you first started therapy how awkward it was? Yeah. You work through that to where the conversations that would normally be hard, something like this.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 13:31

It it takes that heaviness off of it and it just becomes part of your story. Yes. Or a conversation. Yeah. It doesn't care you don't allow it to carry that weight anymore. Right. Which is part of breaking a generational curse, you know.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

It's not defensive, it's not I mean, when I first heard some of this, I would really think, I think too, and this is why kind of part of this is the learned behaviors and coping mechanisms. Awareness for me, I look at alcoholism and I go, Okay, and my family, when you turn 16, like it was like, hey, welcome to the family, and you can now in front of the family have drinks. Yeah. But I'm so aware of it that I'm much I think about it a lot of am I and I ask myself, am I am I drinking too much? Am I not c am I cutting back? So I've really played probably put a forefront on that and I want to be aware of it. And I think that's some of my family members are the same way. It's much more thought of, yes. To go, I need to be aware of that because it runs in the family.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Yes. Yes. It's I was sitting here thinking about that when you were first started talking. Um, there were ther certain things that I knew were part of my family's history that I did not want to continue. Because it was shared with me, because I had knowledge of it, even as a teenager, I was able to stay very mindful of it and stay away from it because I did not want to go down that road.

unknown 15:17

Right.

SPEAKER_01 15:17

But had I not known when all of my friends were experimenting, I probably would have too. Absolutely. But because I knew, and what was crazy, my friends knew how I felt about it, and they wouldn't even do it around me.

SPEAKER_02 15:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:32

Um, it kind of not never became a joke, but it was like they would hide it from me because they knew I would lose my mind on them. Um, but had that not been shared with me, I could have definitely gone down a really dark road.

SPEAKER_00 15:46

Yeah. I think the personalities.

SPEAKER_01 15:48

Yeah, and I think that some family members got upset that it was shared with me at a young age because it was like my cousin told me when we were when we were young. Probably too young, honestly. Sure. Um, but I'm thankful that she told me.

SPEAKER_00 16:03

Yeah. Or we saw someone struggle so bad in the family that it was like if they're gonna struggle with it, I'm probably gonna struggle with it. So yeah, addiction can mean so many things. Addictive does so m you know, many different things as well.

SPEAKER_01 16:16

There's so many different levels too. It's not just alcohol, it's not just drugs. I mean, we all know that, right?

SPEAKER_00 16:22

Yep. Lots of d addictions out there.

SPEAKER_01 16:25

I feel like if it's talked about though, like I said, it it takes the weight off, but you just don't even know how much that it can benefit someone else's life by not keeping the family secret.

SPEAKER_00 16:37

For sure. I'm thinking too, you know, manipulation or or learn behaviors. So when you grow in a up in a family with so many kids, now this isn't really pertaining to me because it's just me and my brother and 14 years apart, we didn't have a lot of overlap. But I you know, seeing manipulation and people doing things and manipulating situations to get what they want and need because you had seven, eight, nine brothers and sisters, and if you needed to get attention, it was the ones that were you know, but if you were a good kid in the family, it was like I'm just gonna hide back in the weeds and so I just not that it's prevalent in all families, but they're definitely learning behaviors. Oh yeah. Somehow and I can I feel like I can almost point it out because I'm like, mm, I know what they're trying to do. You know, like if I mean we'll talk about this in a little bit, but like dating a partner. Like if you see some of these similar generational curses, it's almost as if like have you thought about and how can we together break that curse? You know? Oh yeah. I speak from that, like um because it when you we we always hear when you marry into a family, you marry the family, right? Right. And so you're taking on some of those those generational curses per per se. And if you have children together, right, what are some of the things that you're both passing and trying to break?

SPEAKER_01 18:03

So I also think it's about perspective too. I mean, 'cause some of the things that was in my family and my ex-husband's family, they were the same. But our kids weren't raised around them. Not I mean, there's they we still have our family stuff, but we're three and a half hours away.

SPEAKER_00 18:27

Right?

SPEAKER_01 18:27

So it not being in their everyday life. Even some of the things that I know that we could have very much so passed along it the buck stopped.

SPEAKER_00 18:39

That brings me a question. Can new generational curses be developed?

SPEAKER_01 18:45

Oh, I'm I feel like yeah. Don't you? Like if I have something and I'm raising my kids with that dick, I could pass past that. Right. I mean it could start with me but continue don't you think?

SPEAKER_00 19:00

I think so. Oh yeah, start somewhere. Right. Right? But also in this house. But I feel like also, yes, the people but the living conditions are different, right? Like I grew up in the country and now I'm in this city, and if I were to have kids and raise them, it it would look different. Absolutely. But the curses still can be carried as far as 'cause that's how I was raised in a different environment.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

Right.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

The environment even though it changes.

SPEAKER_01 19:30

Right, but you're 'cause your care I mean your character is still absolutely Yeah. It's a deep, deep subject for sure. It really is, but it's a subject that we need to talk about more. It is a subject that doesn't need to have this stigma on it because you know what? Look you these are things that we celebrate. That generar generational curse stops, like it will not continue, it will not bleed down to my children. Like celebrate that, don't carry it as you know. I don't know what the word is I'm looking for. My words are real bad today, which you're aware of.

SPEAKER_00 20:11

But um words are hard, we're hard hard today.

SPEAKER_01 20:15

Yeah, and we're not wording well. Um, but it is not something to carry and shame. It be proud of yourself, be proud of the work that you've done, or or you and your partner have done, or you and your family, and talk to your family, like thank you for sharing that with me. Absolutely, and if there are secrets, tell them. Be the black tell them because I'm telling you, my cousin saved she saved me. And I will always, always forever be grateful for that.

SPEAKER_02 20:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:49

But family members weren't happy that I knew that and really wanted to downplay it. Like, well, it wasn't well, no, it was.

SPEAKER_00 20:57

Yeah, and these things are hard to break. There will have to be you know, there's work to go behind them and but also the flip side, you know, if some people if it's carried down and if I think it depends on if the person's looking at it as a like they're defensive, it's like, well, loyalty to family, like that's just something and and it's a pr it it it is you're loyal to yourself. Yes. And so to break that, you are choosing to help the future of your family.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

And we talk about boundaries, we've talked we talked about boundaries a lot that first month. Um, it is okay to have boundaries with your family. It is okay to love them from a distance, just like friendship. I mean, no, you don't get to pick your family, but you get to pick the relationship you have with them.

SPEAKER_00 21:46

Absolutely. That's without a doubt, for sure. And can I just point this is so random.

unknown 21:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Off topic. I realize just now how long we've been in this now, since January. December, January.

SPEAKER_01 22:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

You're right handed and you're and you're and I'm left-handed and I'm holding a left-handed mug and this is perfect because I know. It's the random thoughts in my I love it. Thank you for having a left-handed coffee cup. It was totally on purpose. Mm-hmm. Yes. But that's a last. Last detected. And all that said though, it's and if this is the first time you've thought of it, I challenge you to Don't let it be your last. Don't let Yeah. Because you it it's not it's not really about you. Like, yes, it is. It's gonna help your quality of life, but it's also for your children, your grandchildren, your family to go, I'm I'm gonna make that decision to stop things. And so without getting too much into it, and I'm sure I'll have a conversation with my brother, it all of this makes me go, I wanna call him and like high-five him and hug him and be like, There are some things that you and I have broke together. Yeah that we will not allow to pass. And for me it's my my nephews. So just trying to to stop the buck where it is and say, you know, I want I want I want my nephews to have to carry on to their kids and and so yeah, it's just a really deep, like it's it's an emotional thing because I don't basically have children to do that, but but they're in my like those are like my nephew and so how I um work with them and treat them and that kind of thing, it it's that's what my control can be with it.

SPEAKER_01 23:47

Right.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

But yeah, I just think it's just a it's a powerful message, it's uh it's something that I really hope people just start thinking about. It's hard, it's not easy, but it's also necessary. And there is there's just happiness and on the other side of that of going, it's stopping here.

SPEAKER_01 24:10

There's happiness, but there's also power in it. When you're able to be like, yeah, that that stopped with me.

SPEAKER_00 24:19

You change the outcome.

SPEAKER_01 24:20

You get yes and what you are breaking for the future generations, like don't take it lightly. Yeah, and just yeah, remember the strength that it takes and that you did it. Like celebrate it. Absolutely. And be proud of yourself.

SPEAKER_00 24:45

Like Yeah. That's awesome. That's a great message. And yeah. I was I was thinking through topics and I was like, ooh, this one might be but also you might be listening to this and being like, I've already I wanna we wanna hear your s like your stories too. What are some things that you've done that have helped break those curses? You know, somebody I read some off to you while we both shared. I'm sure some of those re very much you're familiar with, you know. So and there are many, many, many, many, but but yeah, great message. Because yeah, yeah. Just it just makes you think. It does make you think. It does.

SPEAKER_01 25:27

I'm act I was actually thinking of a friend.

SPEAKER_00 25:30

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 25:30

And we talk a lot about it. They were raised by their grandparents. Man, like even had to go to school with step siblings when the dad wasn't a part of their life. Like I couldn't imagine, but who this person is, you would never know that's where they came from. And it's so beautiful. I'm like, man, I hope that they know what they have done and they go to therapy. Yeah. Um, but if you know someone in your life that is the complete opposite of what they were brought up with, or you know they've put in the work, man, celebrate 'em.

SPEAKER_00 26:13

Absolutely. Call them, talk about it. Hey, I heard a podcast, it's a really good podcast, by the way. You should listen to it. And they talked about generational curses, and I thought about you, and you overcome that, and you've created a whole different trajectory moving forward. And so, yeah, celebrate them. Yeah, that's great.

SPEAKER_01 26:31

This is a little uh leak for you guys for the next episode, but if someone came to mind while we were talking about this, and it's maybe somebody you haven't talked to in a while, or whatever it may be, you're not that close to them, but you you thought of them, like do make that call and celebrate them because we're we're talking about friendship in the next episode. And as women, and it's even men, I think, are longing for good, true friendships. And Ash and I are diving into our friendship, not just friendship, but that is something if I hear something or I listen to a sermon, or there's something that sticks out to me, whoever that is that I think of, I let them know. And Ashley and I have gotten really good about that with one another.

unknown 27:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:26

Because I always want to celebrate her wins and let her see, hey, I've seen you doing this work. But that's part of what makes our friendship strong, because we're not scared of the hard conversations, but we're not scared to celebrate each other either. And so you making that phone call, it may be a piece that's like, wow, this person sees me and cares for me, and it may build a stronger, deeper friendship for you or relationship, whatever that looks like, or if it's a parent that you know they broke, like they broke something that did not carry down to you. Thank them. If they're if you still have them here, thank them. Um because as you know, as parents, you put in a lot of work that you your kids you feel like will never see or know. But if you're seeing it and you know it, just think, just tell them thanks. Okay. I'll get off my soapbox. It's good. It's a good soapbox. Drink my tea.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

This tea is delicious. I feel the positive energy just flowing through my veins. So I have a little too much honey in mine. There's no such thing, is there? I mean it's a little sleek, but it's fine.

SPEAKER_01 28:32

Honey.

SPEAKER_00 28:33

Always remember that you have a seat. That one was hard. It was hard, but look.