Let the Room Calibrate to You

What you desire wants you too. What if you already knew that with certainty? It's already yours, it's already here. 

I bought a few Mercedes' over eleven years. Never posted a single picture of any of them. Not because I was hiding. Because they were mine.  presence for myself, not performance for applause.

In this episode I am talking about quantum tunneling and why it is proven by science and physics, not woo woo. The $330 in DMV fees that were magically waived because I walked in already knowing. The house I bought 60 days after setting the goal as a single parent. The Restoration Hardware catalog I picked up in the mail room while my neighbor left it there because everything in it was too expensive. And what happens when you stop fighting the mountain and start feeling what is already on the other side of it.

Transcript

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This is the moment where you realize that you are performing a version of yourself, not for the applause, so that you could stand on the stage in the spotlight and say Thank you, and instead it's, it was for survival. Because for some people we're told We're too much. Oh, you're so intense. Or, oh, she thinks she's better than everyone else. So instead we tone it down too little for other people. Oh, my teacher in fourth grade wrote, she has potential, and it's like, wait, I'm just trying to survive here. Because in third grade when I had all of the As, then the. Kids were mean to me, or the principal always called me as the example on the stage in front of people. Then I was mistreated and I talked too much. That was also written on my report card a lot. Now I just have a podcast so I could talk as much as I went. However, the point is too much for some, too little for others, too sexy for some too, not enough for others. There's always somewhere in the middle. That I was trying to be perfect for someone else. It's like the three bears in the porridge story. Every time I tried to be perfect for someone else, it caused pain in my soul, in my body. It, it felt like a slow death to my soul, and maybe not in those moments, but piece by piece, moment by moment. When I abandoned myself so that I could become more like palatable for someone else. Oh, this is a wine that isn't too strong. This is a bourbon that is very smooth. It's complex and smooth. It's is what I like to be instead. Not everyone likes suburban. Not everyone likes tequila. Not everyone likes to drink it all. Some people don't, which is perfect. How do we get to be the perfect version of ourselves and stop listening of the too much, too little, too contorted. I used to date only the men where I could control the outcome. The ones that were incredibly good looking on the outside, but were emotionally unavailable. Yeah, because it kept me safe. It kept me safe as a single parent thinking, oh, if I date the ones that are incapable of commitment, then I won't get hurt. If I break the relationship off with them first, then I won't get hurt because I'm the one that walked away. I only chose the men that wouldn't choose me. So much that I would even contort myself to be what they wanted to be, just so that they would ask me out or we could go on dates, whatever it might be, of like, let me be the good girl. One time there was a guy at the gym at our college, There was, he was one of the, Firefighters . One of the younger ones. I don't think he was old enough to be a firefighter yet. When he was at the gym, all of the girls wanted him. They would all whisper about him, look at him like, oh, that's the hottest guy. He was tall, beautiful, good looking. When I say beautiful, I mean handsome. I thought, oh, this is the guy I want him to ask me out. just linger a little bit by him. Talk with him, be so grounded in me that I was never going to chase him. I don't like doing that with guys. I don't need to be the hunter. When I do that, I really would rather have a guy that is strong enough for me that will pursue me. However, back to the story. This guy, he asked me, he said, do you run? I said, oh yeah, I run. He's like, oh, okay. I'm training for the La Jolla half marathon, you know, with the hills and all of that, so you and I could go running together. I was like, oh yeah, sounds fantastic. He picks me up for this date. I also don't run. So we go to a hill. We go to a hill and he parks his truck. We get out and immediately when he starts, okay, we're gonna do a warmup, and we start at the bottom, we start running uphill. We're running uphill. I'm losing my breath, and I'm not able to catch up with him. He starts to like linger for a moment. Then it becomes apparent that I've never run in my entire life, probably the shoes that I were wearing. I mean. I shouldn't have worn high heels to go running. No, I'm just kidding. That's, sarcasm. I didn't wear high heels to go running. It probably could have been converse or probably some kind of running shoe that was not designed to support a runner. However, it becomes obvious because there's distance between us. He's running, I'm not, I'm losing breath. I can't keep up this facade anymore. He, I told him, I said, just go ahead and go on without me. Came away and I said, I'll meet you back at the truck. And then I sat on the mountain. Looking out and thinking, what did I do? How have I told this story to become someone else to him so that he would choose me? So ridiculous. Where do I do those? Do that in moments of dating. Where I choose safety over being my authentic self, where I was choosing to clock in in corporate America, like let me clock in and get to my office, get to my desk, whatever it might be, and someone else can dictate how much money I make in a year. How much, Time that I spend away from my family that even when my children have sick days, that if they've been sick too many times or if I've missed too many things, then I should still be at my desk. I know that some of that is. Fantastic for other people because it provides stability for them. They love it deeply. It provides wealth. Even the lady at the DMV yesterday, she had so many gold necklaces around her neck. I was like, girl, she is. Doing well with her money that she's adorning her body, that, She looked relaxed, she was happy, she was sweet. I was like, she loves her job. Then there was someone else that, you know, didn't look like they loved their job as much and they were actually had a little argument with one of the people, the DMV, and he ended up calling her a little shit. It's we can each have a completely different experience. As long as it feels like the version of you where you're not contorted, where you're not pretending to be a runner, and instead you have to tell people, okay, run ahead. I'll meet you at the truck. It's, or is it in corporate America, but you have the dreams and desire to be an entrepreneur? Or is it a different position that you would like, or would you like to interview at a different company? Or would you like to interview for a promotion at your company? Or, what about the men you're dating? Or places in your marriage where you're contorting yourself instead of being the real, safe, authentic version of you. Where do you hide your sexuality because you were born this way, like that Marilyn Monroe, but instead the room punished you for it? When I was in high school, I remember coming back on a Monday. Someone coming walking up to me in the hallway telling me, oh, I heard you were with such and such in a hotel room this weekend. I was thinking, oh, well, was the sex good? Because I wasn't there. So tell me more. It just left me speechless. I actually spent that whole weekend being on restriction. That happened a lot in high school, that I was completely rebellious, wild child. Then my parents would try and lock me in my room for the weekend. Then I would get to be too much wild, adventurous, and then I would get locked in my room and I played that game for a while. Sometimes I would do that in my life. Different phases of my life, of where am I the wild child, where am I making multiple six figures? Where do I start a company when everyone else says, oh, the economy's bad. By the way, stop reading or listening to the headlines. If they're not contributing to your high vibration, why are we going to let it into our head? Instead, what interests me more? What are your dreams and your desires? That interests me. What's in the headlines? It doesn't interest me. I can, and I'm not saying that in a way that's not compassionate. I've donated a car before. That was a really nice car. I paid it off within four and a half years. It was like a mid-price car. It was at the time, this was like around 2009, and it was a $30,000 vehicle off the lot, like the leather seats, the sunroof, Sedan, all the things, the, the fastest engine, et cetera. And I donated that car. I had a woman a few years later when I had my, and this was before I was an entrepreneur. Or when I was, yeah, when I was an entrepreneur, I had that so much of the excess and the overflow. I had a woman tell me, she said, oh, and she bought this make and model of the car. I don't wanna say what it is, because to some people they're like, oh, just that. Some people are like, oh my god, that's my dream car. She bought the car and I told her, I said, you have such a beautiful car, I love it. She said, I know. She said, this is my dream car. I thought about it. I was like, oh. That's our dream cart, and I just gave it away because when the universe blesses me, I'm more generous. It's one of the lies. If they think that, oh, money makes you mean, or money makes you selfish, or money is more problems. No the fuck it's not. I had more problems as a single parent when I had less money. I was always, and I could be more generous when I had more money. Money only amplifies who we already are. It's the same way with alcohol. When people say, oh, they were a mean drunk, or they were, you know, sexual and et cetera. When they're drunk and it's like, okay, well we're already those things that alcohol can just take it off and we just get to ride without the rails on. I feel like money is the same way that it. Only allows us to multiply what we already are. It amplifies it. When I'm already generous and when you are already generous, money allows you to give from your excess. If you're a creative person, then money allows you to be more creative. If you're a risk taker, the money allows you to create more risk and build. There's so much good that money gets to do in the world. If you want to help people that are less fortunate, money can help you do it. There are ways that can help you, That you get to do that even without money. That you can go donate your time, that you can share something with someone. You could babysit for a neighbor that's a single parent. You could help them with school pickup, you can help them make dinner, whatever it might be. There were moments, Where we can even bless one another without the money. The contortion was never about them. It was about the wound where I said being my full self was too dangerous to bring it into the room. Yes, there really are things that are dangerous. There are things that could cause us harm. However, there are ways to keep ourselves safe too, and when we start to use. Excuses or those reasons as more important than the reason to live our life fully expressed. We pay a price that's too incredibly big. The price that we pay when we're not ourselves. If we blame it on the patriarchy, it becomes as hall past story and it gives us this past for not living a life fully expressed why. Would I want to spend this life being just enough for someone else, not being too much, being too little, being too contorted, too twisted. Imagine your body becoming this twisted up pretzel. Really, if you took your legs, twisted them up, you took your spine, twisted it up, and your arms, and you're this contorted version of yourself. It limits the places we can go. The things we can do, it limits the way that we're comfortable in our own bodies. The invitation is start to notice that where are we performing a version of ourself where we're playing too little to fit in. Because there are moments when I've literally danced on stages when I've danced on the top of the bar. No, I didn't go home with anyone. Also, who cares if I did? I didn't, I'm just saying that there were moments when I've danced on the bar, there was a moment where, you know, I've danced on stages, I've been on tv. Just because it was at random, like dance clubs and things like that, and it ended up, they ended up showing it on TV a few times. When there was a dance, Club I went to up in LA on, A few months ago and, and did, and going on stage, it was going on stage and winning prizes for, dancing and, and I thought, okay, these are the moments where we get to dance on a stage where we get to say yes to ourself because we want to, because it feels good to us. We get to do that with our money, our magnetism, our bank accounts, our careers, our family, our partnerships. We have these moments where it's an opportunity moment by moment that we get to say yes to ourselves. Instead of it being the firecracker moment, a glimpses where a real you has slipped through, it can be that presence where it's your light all the time, all the way on. Not because you're performing, not because you're not allowed to have those blanket moments where you're like, okay, I'm just gonna get the blanket and watch a sad movie, eat a pint of ice cream and cry. I have those moments too. I have those moments where I journal and I cry. I'm contemplating the deep reflecting of. Who am I as a woman and who do I wanna be when I start to take inventory of what's going on in my life? I journal those things and there are moments when I cry, however, it creates the momentum for what's next for me. I want you to begin to playing with. I would like to invite you to play with what's possible for you. What if you really knew that you were never too much, that you were never too little, that you were always the room? What if it was an invitation? What if today was the remembering that you are never too much, that you are never too little, and instead you get to be. All of you, all of you with the rails off, with no more filtering, no more contorting. Instead you get to be seen and it's safe for you to be seen. What would you do in your life? What men would you say no to? What men would you say yes to? Or women, your partnerships. What date would you say yes to? What ones would you say no thank you to? What relationships would you end? How could you walk into rooms and let the room calibrate to you instead of you reading the room and it either turning it down or turning it up? What if instead. You walked in, in the embodiment and the knowing of who you are as a woman and let the room calibrate to you because you are unshakeable. You have the opportunity moment by moment, and the deep desires that you have, they're meant for you. That's the reason why you are feeling them and you're finding this podcast because the moment. Is meant for you. You've been told that you're been too intense, you've been told that you have potential, and then you spend the time in the middle. This is for you. Instead. It's that reawakening, that remembering of who you are is an incredibly powerful, magnetic beautiful woman. Beautiful inside and out. Go be too much. This series is for you, and if any of this resonated with you, there's a community that you can connect with, message me. I'll put you in the community with me so that we can have these intimate chats. The other way to connect with me is book a call. If any of this resonated with you and you want coaching through it. Book a call. I've coached women for many, many years, and I've been that invisible coach where only by word of mouth, only if you knew someone that knew someone, or if we, the universe, happened to allow our path to cross, and this is that moment. This is the moment where the universe has collided and put us together at the right time, at the right place doing the right thing. This is your invitation. For what's more, what's next?