Desire, Boundaries & Writing Your Own Rules

In this episode, I answer real questions people have texted me about sex, relationships, and the expectations society quietly places on us.

How much intimacy is too much?
What happens when desire becomes routine?
Should you tell your partner everything?
And how do you keep your self-esteem while dating, exploring, or staying single?

This conversation is about agency and the freedom to decide what works for you instead of living by someone else's rules.

We talk about:

• when intimacy starts feeling out of balance
• how to have honest conversations with your partner
• why sexual energy and creativity are connected
• the difference between desire and validation
• navigating dating, rosters, and self-respect
• letting go of society’s expectations about relationships

Take what resonates. Leave the rest.

As I always say, you wouldn’t leave Nordstrom with a shirt you didn’t love. Do the same with advice.

Transcript

0:00

Are we supposed to lock it away in a treasure box because it makes someone else feel more comfortable? No, it's okay. Some of us are just made differently than others. You are listening to Anatomy of an Icon i'm Tonia Ann, and this is what it sounds like when people stop performing and start sharing their truth. No scripts, no careful answers. This is where we talk about the things that we're not supposed to talk about out loud or not supposed to talk about if you are a business coach or if you are a woman that has class or you're a mom or you're a wife, or whatever, fill in the blanks. There's always an excuse or a limitation. Are we listening to other people's limitations, their stories, or do we get to write our own rules? We get to write our own rules for what works best for ourself. How do we want to live? How do we want to dress? How do we want to walk and talk? We choose those things. We have agency and that's what I absolutely love as a coach, is coaching people that you make the decision. You get to make the choice what works for you. We take what works for us. We leave the rest in these episodes called Tea with me. Because I'm having a cup of tea right now, and of course the cat is on my lap.'cause of course, why not? I read through messages that clients have asked me about sex and intimacy, or friends have texted to reading one of the text messages. One of the text messages I received, this one. How much is too much? I think it feels like too much if one of the people don't really want it and that pendulum could swing guy or girl. Or if you're, like one of my friends, it's like guy and guy, whatever it is, whatever your jam is. I have friends that are in all across the board the what is too much? It's too much when one person is not fully present or available for it, or can't get there for their partner. If my partner absolutely loves sex and I'm feeling like I'm a little bit tired, however. I will rally up for him because it's what he enjoys and I know I like it too, I can become present for it and be available to that. If it were the opposite, if I thought, oh, I'm only going to do this for him, then it would probably feel like shit to him, not probably. It would definitely feel like shit to him because then he would just feel like he's taking, I'm doing it to appease him. We don't wanna ever have intimacy to appease the other person. Another place where it could become too much is if that's my only source of dopamine, my only source of hormones, and, sense of life and living, it becomes too much. I have to ask myself what do I wanna accomplish? Am I working well in my business? Are things working there? Am I creating in my business? If I'm stagnant in my business and I'm using all of my sexual energy to feel most alive in the bed, my business would pay a price. My creativity would pay a price because it's, all of it is being used up in the bedroom as opposed to other places. The bank account, the bedroom, the magnetism, all of it. All of the piece and parts. If the pendulum swings one way or the other, in any area of my life, it becomes too much. If I was always working out at the gym, then am I having time to take a long bath or am I having time to enjoy the beach? Am I enjoying going paddle boarding and moving my body and building my business and having my coaching calls and with my clients and. Creating and recording and writing and all of the things that I do. If it, the pendulum swings too far in one air, the other, I'm not balanced, I feel imbalanced. I think those are the two places where sex would feel like too much is one. If I'm doing it for the other person. Second, if I, losing focus on the other areas because it would be, I want the bicycle. I love cars. We're gonna use the car analogy. Imagine a wheel. The tire on a Ferrari. The tire, if. One side of it was a little bit flatter than the rest, or there was a knob on it or something that stuck out. You would feel it in your drive. However, if the tire completely filled, all areas circular, everything's the same. There's no lopsided piece or part on the tread. Instead, balanced. The ride feels really good. Life feels really good when I am balanced. I'm talking about my experience of years of dating, of being married, of being divorced. I speak from my experience and the relationships that have had the intimacy that I have friends ask me for advice. I thought I would share it with you. You take the parts and pieces that work for you and you leave the rest. You would not leave Nordstrom with a shirt that you did not love. If you did, you would return it before you wore it, right? The same thing when you go shopping into a store. You take the things that you love, you buy those and we leave the rest. Same with a podcast or a coach that you're learning from. Leave, what doesn't work for you. I'll share my experiences and what I've seen work for me, what clients have told me, what works for them. Another question I have. Received in my text messages when I'm reading my phone right now, it says when it gets routine, how can I stay interested if my partner is happy where it's at? Ooh, that's a big one because we can't necessarily, we can't pull someone along. Everyone has agency free will if they're happy where it's at. If I were in that situation. What I've done too is having that conversation at the beginning of, what do you want from this? Letting the person know first of all, of why you want it to work for the two of you. I've had the conversations of, I really care about you. I really want this to work between us, and there's something that I would like to ask that I need from you. Or that I want from you, whatever it is that's gonna work. It's a normal human fucking conversation. It's not going to be my script that I give you today. Instead it's letting them know that you are committed. We are going to be okay no matter what. There's something that I would like to ask from you, and it might be that we've held it in too long, if that's the case. Be careful of the way it comes through of you never do this and I've always wanted that, and you're not offering. It's okay, damn, you've held it in for six months and because I wasn't, reading your mind for six months now you're pissed off. Bring it up as soon as you can with the emotional responsibility of delivering the message. That it's energetically clean, that it's not loaded with resentment and bitterness. It's like, fuck, it's the first time they're hearing about it. They haven't had time to address it yet, but in your head, they've had six months to address it. Be careful with that one. It's not six months that they've had to address it. Today is the first day they've had to address it, so give them six months to fix it. I just kidding. It might not be that long for them to fix it or address it, and when they care deeply for you. I know when someone that I care about, if they ask something of me, I'm thinking, oh my gosh, I want to correct that. I want to do something different. I want this to work and I care about you. I really want this to work. Oh, yeah, I can do that thing. I might fucking forget because I'm human, I might forget for a little bit. I can mention that too, of okay, if I forget to do the thing I'll try. I'm still working on it. It takes a while to create habits. Or can I let go of that expectation or the ask that I have with, for example, with my ex, I'm like, there is a shower mat on the shower. Bathtub draped over. Why don't you put it down before you get water all over the floor and it's okay, does that really need to be a conversation? No. Do I want someone up my butt hole managing me all the time? Either up my ass managing me? No can I look at water on the floor and can I let it go? Yes. Because I don't want someone to feel like I'm riding their ass. I'm not a parent to them. That's strict. I'm not a strict parent. Instead, I'm their partner, so can I let the water on the floor go? Yeah. Or could I have asked and had a conversation about it could have. When I was younger, did I have conversations about that? That when I look back, in hindsight, not important, but did I wanna die on that hill? Abso fucking lly. Looking back in hindsight though, I'm like, really? You just couldn't have let that one go because it's important to me. If it's important to you, and it really is coming from a sense of responsibility and. We're strong in who we are as women, and we're embodied and we're grounded, and it really is something important and that this goes for men or women. It's, yeah, if it's important to us, ask for what you want. If it's feeling routine to you, back to that question. Make it more interesting. Ask your partner, Hey, can we play with toys? Can we do this? Can we get lingerie? Can we light a candle? Can we play music that sounds sexy, whatever it might be. We can ask for what we want. What are the ways that we would like to bring something new and exciting to it, and interesting. Don't forget to ask your partner the same thing. We can't go in with this list of requests and yet not be willing to do something for them as well. Maybe they have it a thing too. Oh, it would really turn me on if you were closed to bed and I got to peel them off one by one instead of you stripping your clothes down and dropping them on the floor before we both jump into bed separately. It would feel sexy to me if we undressed each other, whatever it might be. There are things to wake make. There's ways to make the routine feel less mundane. You can be with the same person and still have a wild and exciting intimate sex life. Another question. Should I tell him that I use my toys when he's at work? Let's see. I laugh because I'm like, oh yeah, I think that's a good one. That's a good question. Would I tell him, me personally? It depends on his reaction. If he got turned on by it, I would probably tell him sometimes. Would I tell him all the time? No, because I don't think he needs to know all the time. What if I did that? Five days a week, and he's gonna be like, this girl, she's freaky. Everyone doesn't need to know everything and it's not hurting him. I think, eh, he doesn't need to know what's the benefit. Then especially if someone has a reaction to it and they're like, oh, why are you playing with toys while I'm at work? Or am I not enough for you? Especially if there is a reaction, absolutely not, because I would think. I don't wanna pay the consequence for that, and it's not meant to be something that. I get in trouble for. Instead, it's meant to be something because I'm taking care of myself in the moment. Maybe it's, work is stressing me out, or maybe I've had a 12 hour day and I'm going back to back and maybe I'm feeling like I'm dragging my body around as a woman, and I went to reconnect with my body, I chose to do that. I feel like that's complete. I don't think I have anything else to say about that. Oh, here's another question. Reading this one, I read it before I, I started reading out loud. How do I be single, active with a roster and keep my self-esteem versus what society tells me is proper? Oh goodness. There's so much to say about that, and I'm thinking, eh, I could talk on that one for an hour or speak to that one because there's so many parts and pieces. Okay. Let's see. Versus what society, I'll start with the easier part versus what society tells me is proper. Again, it goes back to who cares what society thinks, who cares what other people's rules of behavior are? As long as I'm a good person and I'm not hurting other people, it's rules of behavior inside my own, essentially inside my own closed doors. It doesn't impact other people. They don't need to know. They don't need to know what my favorite color is. They don't need to know what my favorite sex position is. They don't need to know those things. Part of it is not everyone needs to know. The second part of it is what society tells me is Proper doesn't interest me. It doesn't interest me at all because there's so much beauty in being in touch with our body and our sexuality in a healthy way. There's so much power in our sexuality too. When we're walking around fully embodied as who we are, it's magnetic. People will walk by you on the street and do a double take. People have longer conversations with you because you feel safe, you feel grounded, you feel present, you feel alive. There's this frequency that people can feel as opposed to me dragging my body around if I'm not taking care of my body, whether it's gym. The food that I eat, the way that I dress it, the way that, , basic hygiene, all of those things are the ways that we can make ourself look more beautiful. It just basic hygiene. It's, the showering, the makeup that you don't wear or do wear. The way you style your hair. Can you take a few more minutes to take care of your body versus dragging your body along? Our bodies are so beautifully and wonderfully made. If we have a desire and there's that sexual energy, some of us have it more so than others, then why not explore it? Are we supposed to lock it away in a treasure box because it makes someone else feel more comfortable? No, it's okay. Some of us are just made differently than others. The same when people have really low sex drive. Some of us are just made different than others. The idea is hopefully you find a partner that matches your sexual energy. If not, it needs to be conversations and a working partnership to find a way that feels good to both of you so that one of you is not starving or one of you is not overgiving. Instead something that feels really good to both parties involved. Let's see. The other part of his question, hold on, keep my self-esteem. Okay. How do I be single active with a roster and keep self-esteem? I think when keep my self esteem. I'm not sure what he meant by this, but I'll say, this, let's see, and keep my self-esteem. I think what he's talking about is maybe we keep our self-esteem intact because we don't overgive and I don't give intimacy because I'm giving too much, or I don't give in intimacy because someone is taking or I don't give to seek validation and worth. No. To all of those things, absolutely not. Instead, it's. You can keep, whatever it is, the active roster. Are there people that I choose to be intimate with? What does a roster mean? Does it mean that there's someone I met seven years ago, I'll have sex with him? Does it mean there's someone else that I met, six years ago, I'll have sex with him. However, we're not in a committed relationship, or does it mean. Okay. I met, people at the gay bar and these are the guys that we like to have sex with each other because it's hard for us to find guys that we like and being a gay man but they're guys that I have on my roster or I just absolutely love sex. There's some guys that just, and women too that absolutely wanna be a slut. Okay. If you wanna do that, however, be safe about it would be my advice to, if one of my friends was asking me about that, it's okay. Be safe about it. The roster thing. Some people could think, oh, she has a bigger roster, than would I actually have. I actually very selective and protective. If I choose to be intimate with someone, I have a close circle. When I look at, what does my dating life look like over the last six years? It's a close circle. We get to be selective who we're with. But you also can choose to not be selective. We really, there's so much freedom in it when people are two consenting adults, then just fucking figure it out. Whatever works for you, do that. Let's see, and let's see, how do I be single active? Yeah, I think that's it. When we look at it Being single, which is more, you're seeing more now as the hero than you used to be. I remember in, my thirties, I was like 36, I bought myself a ring and I wore it on my engagement ring finger. I bought myself this beautiful ring and it had diamonds around the circle as well. This beautiful stone and diamonds around it, and white gold. When I wore that, people would compliment, oh, that's such a gorgeous ring. But what happened, it was because I was in the boardrooms all the time and people would always ask me, why aren't you married? Why aren't you married? I just got so tired of people asking me, why aren't I married that I bought a ring and I placed it on that finger because I was busy. I'm like, I'm building a business. I also. If someone catches my attention, great. However, if they don't also great. When I met my ex-husband and his mom thought, oh, did he give you that as a promise ring? She said, we've been talking about it. This was before he and I started dating. It actually helped call him in. I guess maybe the universe is oh, she wants to be engaged. Another story for another time. Anyways, the, another story for another time. The, but wearing that ring that was part of the societal expectations of if you're a certain age or if you look a certain way or you have the business, you bought yourself the house, you bought yourself the Mercedes. I did all of those things and I was still single. Who fucking cares. We get to write our own rules. We get to live the life that we desire. Let go of any other expectations. The expectations belong to other people. I keep your dreams, keep your desires. I wouldn't ask for other people what they think too much. Keep your dreams, keep your desires, keep your autonomy, your sense of agency. Keep looking within for the answers that feel really good to you. You're everything you ever needed. Anything else is just a bonus. I'm so grateful you found this audio and that it found you, and I'll see you in, I see you.