Not Available to Everyone

We say we want love.
We say we want connection.
We say we want the relationship.

But if we’re being honest… we’re often creating something very different.

In this episode, I talk about what happens after divorce, the patterns we fall into without realizing it, and the ways we try to stay in control so we don’t get hurt again.

— the difference between being closed vs. being selective
— why “freedom” can sometimes look like avoidance
— the phase no one talks about after divorce
— what I learned from dating when I thought I was in control
— why emotionally available men can feel “boring” 
— what it actually looks like to choose yourself first

This isn’t about dating strategies.

It’s about Identity.
Self-trust.
Being grounded enough in yourself that you don’t need to chase anything.

The right people don’t need to be convinced.

And the ones meant for you will meet you there.

Transcript

 Not Available to Everyone

Not Available to Everyone

[00:00:00] Tonia: I went to the beach on Saturday. One of the guys came up to me starts talking with me, asked what my name is, asked if I was afraid of stingray.\ okay, A + for this guy. He's keeping it conversational, not going in for the hunt and.

[00:00:17] Treating a woman like the last steak in the hungry lion's den. I appreciate his conversational approach, and he asked Hey, do you want to hang out for a while? Eh? First I told him no. I said, no thanks. Right now I want to be alone.

[00:00:31] But if I change my mind, where are you sitting? I wished him a good day,. It made me think and realize, oh, I am putting it out into the universe that I'm really good right now and I just want be alone for now.

[00:00:46] Probably not forever, for now.

[00:00:50] When I said those words out loud that's exactly what I'm creating in my life. The reason why I'm not saying yes to dates. the reason why the [00:01:00] universe is giving me exactly what I'm placing as my order. When we take that responsibility.

[00:01:10] God, gives me exactly what I order.

[00:01:16] I can decide whether or not I want to shift it. Right now I don't want to. However, I'm not annihilating the guys along the way that are asking me out. We're a magnet for receiving.

[00:01:30] Then it starts to come in that way. . The relationship we desire. Money in our bank account. Unexpected gifts come in when we are magnetic. Not grasping, instead calm, steady and grounded in who I am. I wasn't rude to him and I said, thank you so much for asking.

[00:01:51] Can we take it as a compliment? It's like baseball. There are so many at bats. You're going to swing a lot [00:02:00] and eventually you connect. You will hit a home run.

[00:02:04] There has to be multiple at bats. Take the opportunities to ask women out in the wild. I love it when guys ask me out in the wild. I think it happens because I slow down when I'm walking. I'm enjoying the moment, so I'm not zooming by them on the sidewalk at a hundred miles per hour and brushing people by with their shoulders knocking them over instead.

[00:02:27] I'm so grounded incredibly present in myself, my life. Don't get me wrong. I'm not like walking around and like counting the petals and the flowers and staring into the cracks on the sidewalk and watching the bugs slowly walk through it. What I mean instead is that I'm present and I'm just so excited and complete by myself that I think that's what men are.

[00:02:58] That's what men tell me. That [00:03:00] magnetize them to me. When they ask me out, I do have a Google phone number because I think that every woman listening to this, and men too, because women can be just as crazy as men out there having a Google phone number because sometimes people, show up at the beginning of the dating phase, they're not necessarily showing up with true authentic selves.

[00:03:26] The more we get to know people. Sometimes people are fucking crazy. One of my girlfriends met someone on, Facebook dating. He showed up at her house so avoid things like that, . It's easy to set up. It attaches to a Google email.

[00:03:44] Sometimes people are pissed. You didn't give me your real phone number. Well, why would I, I didn't know you yet. If they have an issue with it, that's, uh, their issue, not mine, not my responsibility to manage other people's emotions.[00:04:00]

[00:04:00] It took me a while to get to the place of wanting to date.

[00:04:09] They say that after divorce people are bitter. I was seated at a table two years ago. I was seated at a table and I still remember it to this day. There were three other men at this. Tabletop with me. So four of us were at the restaurant and everyone else, different tables. It was probably four people to every single table.

[00:04:31] When I sat with the three of them, they were talking about their marriages. And one of the guys was a widow. And he said, I only date, um, I only, I made a commitment that after my wife passed away, I would only date other widows. And, and they were talking about their long marriages, et cetera. And the guy was talking about, now he found another widow, they're deeply in love, et cetera.

[00:04:53] He made the comment all divorced women, all divorced women are [00:05:00] bitter. I said, they can be. The three men looked at me. Their head spun around. They looked at me and said, what? And I said, they can be. Just because they're divorced doesn't mean they are bitter.

[00:05:14] But what I realize is it's a stereotype because it's true often enough that it becomes a stereotype.

[00:05:25] So just because you are going through a divorce or you have gone through a divorce, does not mean that we need to have this hardened heart. We can still have a soft heart, and if dating is not on the table for you because it's too close to the divorce. There's work to be done before we add another person in the mix.

[00:05:48] Otherwise, another person in the mix could create the same problems, same story, same challenges, same opportunities for growth. I liked the [00:06:00] space that I gave myself after divorce. I, I didn't do it perfectly though.

[00:06:08] Maybe I became a little bit of a slut after divorce. I was not ready for a serious relationship. As much as I thought I forgave him, I was harder on myself.

[00:06:22] I didn't forgive me thinking how could I be so dumb? Of course we wouldn't talk about other people that way. We would only call ourselves dumb if we're not very mindful of our self-talk. I was pretty hard on myself, how did I choose someone like that? How did I choose that relationship?

[00:06:49] How did I say yes to that marriage? When I wanted to call off the marriage and he talked me into, keeping the wedding on, where did I begin to compromise and lose myself? asking [00:07:00] those deep questions and the reflections so that I could learn about myself to not let it happen.

[00:07:07] I think after divorce we have a few options. Okay, I'm building a heart wall. No one is ever, ever going to get in again, which comes around to that bitterness that I was talking about. All aboard the bitter bus. Or the other thing that can happen is that we can say, I'm not going to let anyone else take advantage of me that way.

[00:07:29] I am not going to let anyone else hurt me that way. Now I'm gonna be the player be the avoidant. I'll find the dopamine, from the sex, the chase, the dating, but I'm going to stay unavailable and I'll play the game and it becomes a chess game. I thought I was the one in control I am free now and I can go on dates with who I want to. I can do what I want to and [00:08:00] I can create friends with benefits if I want to and I'm not exclusive.

[00:08:06] I thought there was so much power in that power and freedom. Where I thought I was in control of the game, I didn't realize is how much that other people receive. If we're intimate together, how much a man can actually receive from a woman, even if you're not intimate, when the masculine and the feminine, the two of them come together, there's this beautiful magic that happens even if it's not intimacy that.

[00:08:37] A woman can bring a lot to the relationship

[00:08:41] \ I dated for probably a year or two, calling it Freedom, I was this wild child of thinking, okay, I'm the one in control and I'm the one that determines when this relationship happens. When this relationship doesn't happen. I would [00:09:00] always walk away first.

[00:09:03] To avoid being hurt I don't have to worry about them not choosing me if I walk away first, or if I always keep them at a arm's length and stiff arm them, then they don't get close enough. Don't get to know me. The guys that were emotionally available, they seemed boring to me.

[00:09:29] That. Oh, they seem just sappy, which was so ridiculous. Where did this come from? What , movies in the culture. Where did I think as a woman that, oh, the ones that are relationship dysfunctional and cannot love deeply. Oh, that's hot. Or the ones that don't like commitment and the ones that are hard to catch and the ones that leave me confused, oh, that's also hot.[00:10:00]

[00:10:01] So ridiculous. No, it's not. The more work I started doing with myself and the more that I had to ask these questions of where is this coming from? What does this mean to me? Is this creating the desired long-term outcome for actually what I want? I had to stop playing that game.

[00:10:26] I didn't have to. There's some people that always stay in the game. They treat relationships as a game instead of a commitment where it's the calm, they choose the chaos. They love the dopamine.

[00:10:39] They love the chase, love being wanted. Love the look of adoration from multiple people. Then there are people who love the look of adoration from one person where they like to feel chosen by that one person. That's not ever gonna happen if we don't choose ourself [00:11:00] first. Choosing ourself first in a relationship, it's two people that are complete, a hundred percent choosing themselves.

[00:11:11] Before you magnetize another person, before another person chooses you, it's one of the reasons why they say when you stop looking, the relationship that you are seeking shows up. There's not a grasping, not holding on with this clench fist of a desire of, is that the one, is this the guy? I hope he likes me?

[00:11:35] We're not trying. Instead, we're so incredibly grounded in who we are in choosing ourselves that becomes. Magnetic. That becomes sexy. That becomes desirable because then the man doesn't have the pressure to complete me. I complete myself.

[00:11:53] I was at a restaurant with a friend. She and I were eating at this steakhouse at the bar, there was [00:12:00] a man eating there by himself, I said, oh, that guy's really good looking. She said, oh yeah, you mean the dark haired one in the suit? Eventually two women came in and sat beside him. One of the women actually got out of her seat at the bar, walked around the corner to him talking with him, put her hand on his shoulder and his neck and she's laughing and talking

[00:12:20] probably 45 minutes later I look over the girl that was chasing him had left, and the woman sitting beside him, the two of them were sitting having a long conversation.

[00:12:36] I don't think that guys love being chased. Or the guys in their healthy masculine. They're designed to be hunters,

[00:12:48] When we take out the performance, we get to be authentically ourselves we're not worried about doing this peacock dance.

[00:12:58] Not worried about the way we [00:13:00] walk. Not worrying about the way the room is responding to us. Instead, we walk in with all of our knowing, all of our confidence, all of the embodiment of who we are, knowing that that's enough, the ones meant for us, will come to us.

[00:13:22] People ask me out. I've also put it on a pause the last few weeks. I say, no, thank you. I'm not giving out my number. They'll say, you're so beautiful.

[00:13:32] Thank you so much. Thank you for saying that. Have a great day. There's no opening. If you want to meet people in the wild, allow there to be a pause, allow there to be a opening as opposed to closing the door. When I say, oh thank you so much for the compliment, have a great day.

[00:13:50] It implies there's an ending to it a finality to it most of the time people will get and they understand versus me saying, thank you so [00:14:00] much for the compliment. You are good looking too. Or Oh, thank you so much. Sitting there with a genuine smile and seeing what happens next before I run away.

[00:14:16] Be kind. If guys are asking you out in the wild and they're not necessarily your kind of guy, that's okay. Take it as a compliment you were beautiful to them.

[00:14:26] Someone sent me a text message yesterday of if you are spending so much in time in isolation, is that a bad thing? If you want to meet people, we're not going to meet people if we're sitting in our living room or under our blanket fort on our bed. If you want to meet people. We generally need to get out and about.

[00:14:53] Set the intention for what you want. You can even volunteer somewhere. After my divorce, when [00:15:00] I was expanding my new friend circle. I volunteered places so volunteered because it felt really good to me. Gave me a sense of community and connection when I felt broken hearted and disconnected and alone.

[00:15:17] So you can volunteer somewhere. Spend time with girlfriends, make an effort. I used to have girlfriends over a lot. I would invite them over, let's come over for a gal's brunch. We would make it a potluck or I would cook every, we did all of it or we would go dancing.

[00:15:34] The relationships with girlfriends, they take as much work as a dating relationship. It baffles my mind when girlfriends say, I don't have time for friendships. Then five minutes later mention, I am sitting by the phone. I hope he asks me out. I don't really want to go out with him, but I need something to keep me busy.

[00:15:58] Can we please stop [00:16:00] doing that? Why waste their time and money if we're not interested in them at all? Investing time in relationships with friendships. They take effort what I noticed when I was going through a divorce that I was doing a lot of the talking,

[00:16:21] which can be draining for other people. I was like, good God, seriously. How can I learn to process my emotions?, Not to use other people as a dumpster, where I'm just dumping everything in that I wnat to vomit up because it's hurt emotion.

[00:16:42] There's value in discussing things with people. However, let's come to a solution or can you set a limit on it? I got my feelings hurt a few weeks ago and, and I sent a text message and I said, can I vent about [00:17:00] something?

[00:17:00] So she knew. Then I'm not surprising her . She's not in this place of, how's your day? Is it fucking fantastic? And then you know what just happened? Instead, it's setting the other person up with the expectation and having that conversation with her ahead of time.

[00:17:18] We spoke for a few minutes and she's, good listener, gives me advice. then we were on and upward to a different conversation. Because it was my stuff to work through.

[00:17:30] What can I learn from this? Or asking people, what's another perspective? Or Can I just vent about it? Here's this thing that was really hard. Okay, we're done. It's gone.

[00:17:43] However, understanding that every time we open our mouth, words create that energetic ripple. We have to be incredibly careful with our words. There's a responsibility in the words that we [00:18:00] communicate.

[00:18:02] Yes, I know we're human. At the same time, we look at the power of our words, there was even a book written, I think around like about a hundred years ago called Your Word is Your Magic Wand. The Bible says, in the beginning was the word.

[00:18:16] The word creates.

[00:18:23] Be careful with the words we speak. Mindful of it and use your words to create the things you want. Even if you don't see it yet, play with it what am I creating next?

[00:18:37] That's fun.

[00:18:43] What else do I want to mention ? I think the other thing that I want to mention is be careful with building a heart wall because if we build a heart wall to protect ourself, the heart wall and [00:19:00] Melanie Ann Layer was the first one I heard mentioned this. I was using it before, but not putting words to it.

[00:19:07] She said it so beautifully that when we put up that heart wall, the same wall that's meant to protect us also keeps out the things that are really good for us. We can't build this heart wall and think that things are selectively going to come in and out.

[00:19:30] What I decided when I was doing the work on myself and healing after my divorce, that I made that choice of I might get hurt again, while I'm working my way through these emotions and healing it, it still hurts. There are times when it hurts.

[00:19:53] However, I still want to have a soft heart through all of it.[00:20:00]

[00:20:02] The soft heart means that I'm going to get hurt. There are things that hurt my feelings a lot. It makes me sound like a big baby. Maybe I am. A resilient one though, and I can also clean myself up, I don't need other people to reconcile things. The reconciliation comes from within, but having that soft heart means that I can get hurt, and it also means that I get to love deeply and I get to care deeply.

[00:20:46] Is it really worth living if I'm not doing either one of those things? If I'm not loving deeply, if I'm not caring deeply, to me, that's where I get to experience [00:21:00] life. I get to experience living.

[00:21:02] I hope something in this conversation helps you to look at it maybe a little bit differently. If not, you got to eavesdrop on some of my deepest thoughts.

[00:21:15] And what I really wish is that you get the desires of your heart, that the things that you want, find you. Talk soon.

[00:21:30]