I Had To Stop Being Delusional About Him

he said we were just friends… it wasn’t new or a surprise. It was only a surprise he admitted what we both knew, out loud. 

clarity I didn’t want to accept.

Because if I’m being honest, I was filling in the blanks.
Creating stories and a fantasy.
Explaining away inconsistency.

In this episode, I share what I saw in myself and what shifted.

I talk about:

-tolerating what we say we don’t want
-how imagination turns into delusion
-inconsistency is actually telling us everything
-why confusion is clarity (if we’re willing to see it)
-the moment I stopped outsourcing my choosing

It was never about him.

It’s about the version of us that keeps hoping something will change…
instead of seeing it for what it is.

Because when someone wants you, you'll never doubt.

And when it’s confusing, 
that’s your clear answer.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Speaker: let the doubt be clarity, let it be a sword that cuts through any illusion.

[00:00:06] The other thing I used to ask myself a lot, will he choose me someday? Maybe when he's more healed, maybe when he settled down? No.

[00:00:18] What I learned about myself when he said we were just friends,

[00:00:23] the first thing I probably learned was that I could calm myself down. We were at a bar we were watching the basketball game, the finals the guy beside us leaned over, Hey, what are you doing in town?

[00:00:45] Oh, I'm visiting a friend, her. In that moment I could feel inside of me. The rage, the hurt, anger, probably most of it was at [00:01:00] myself. When I look at it, why was it a f*cking surprise?

[00:01:06] We had been together as friends with benefits for years and, I had the opportunity to look at it. First, what I needed to do was to calm myself down because I could feel myself getting pissed off and the younger 20-year-old version of me would've emotionally erupted. I could feel my hair wanting to catch on fire.

[00:01:36] I had to calm myself down because I didn't want to say something as an emotional hurricane and regret what I said and us not to be able to come back from it or to regret what I said out loud in emotions. Because the higher my emotions are, the less intelligent I become. [00:02:00] Allowing that pause to take place, I could think this one through.

[00:02:04] And let me see. I have notes, that I wrote for myself. One, calming myself down for the emotions and it, this shouldn't have been a surprise. He and I have been friends or 'more than friends' for years. It's really what am I tolerating? However, the next thing I started to look at is in those quiet moments when I was sitting there, I told him, give me a few minutes.

[00:02:34] I need time to myself. I need to work this out. I said, we'll be okay, but I just need time for myself. I didn't want him to say anything else. To excuse it away or dismiss it. I needed to look within and ask myself the questions of why was I hurt?

[00:02:55] Why was I mad? What was going on within [00:03:00] me? In those questions, so much more wisdom and clarity came through.

[00:03:04] Part of that is the survival of being a single mom of raising three young men, building a company, having employees, selling a company, accomplishing the things that I wanted to accomplish, manifesting a house, manifesting cars that I wanted, all of the physical things in my life, the relationships that I had, and always putting relationships at that point as secondary.

[00:03:35] Because I was busy working, busy building and continued to allow them to be secondary because it didn't require any vulnerability from me when he put words to it. It was that a part and piece of me was probably also pissed off of why am I tolerating that? What am I available [00:04:00] for?

[00:04:00] Point number two that I wanted to make about this is that our imagination can fill in all of the empty spaces with excuses. This is so easy to see when we speak with a girlfriend and they're telling us about a guy it's the long phone conversations or it's the text messages.

[00:04:23] What does this mean? We've all been there second guessing ourselves at one moment or another. What I realized is I was using my imagination to fill in the gaps with excuses to fantasize about the way I wanted it to be or what it meant.

[00:04:42] Even if it's the simplicity of, oh, they're an avoidant, or not available because of their past relationship. They'll tell you those stories, because when we tell a story, it allows one person to be the victim, the other person to [00:05:00] be the villain. And I almost drop my notes seeing what I wanted to mention for you.

[00:05:06] What I realized is when we tell the stories about our exes to people. I have to stop doing that because every time I tell a story about my ex, even though I think I'm framing it as if he's the villain or there is something wrong with him, what I'm actually doing when I tell a story about my ex.

[00:05:31] Is pointing out all of my vulnerabilities and pointing out the ways that I fell for his bullshit. People that aren't healthy and healed could take advantage of that.

[00:05:45] The only thing I would do is hand someone a playbook. Why on earth would I do that? There's no value in telling a story there's a misconception, oh, if I tell this story, they realize I'm not falling for that [00:06:00] anymore. Yes, we will to some degree because when we're sharing that wound, if we truly believed it in the depths that I am absolutely not falling for that anymore, there's no need for me to say it out loud unless

[00:06:17] there was a fear inside of me that needed to be calmed by them or reassured by them, and for them to say the words, I would never do that to you, or, you don't have to worry about that with me, or, it's his loss and you're in good hands with me now. It's what do we want to hear by telling that story?

[00:06:37] I also realized if I really felt that in the depths of my soul that I was no longer available for those games, I wouldn't need to tell anyone out loud. I wouldn't need to say, oh, by the way, I'm confident. Okay. When we are the particular thing, we don't need to announce it.

[00:06:59] We [00:07:00] embody it, we move with it. We don't announce it. We just know that we're really good at whatever the thing is. People will figure it out when they watch us.

[00:07:10] The next point is inconsistency makes me doubt the person's motive. If they have dozens of red roses show up on my birthday and gifts on Christmas, however, in between they're missing, or on those particular days, they are missing. To me,

[00:07:34] it misses the mark. What I learned to do is taking the doubt and the inconsistency as evidence of what they're capable of, what they're offering. The doubt isn't confusion. The doubt that I have is clarity. It is crystal clear that this is what that person's offering. [00:08:00] And it's up to me to decide whether or not I am available for that, whether or not I want to entertain that.

[00:08:07] So instead, let the doubt be clarity, let it be a sword that cuts through any illusion.

[00:08:15] The other thing I used to ask myself a lot, will he choose me someday? Maybe when he's more healed, maybe when he settled down? No. If a guy wants to choose you, he knows. When I look at my friends that are married, they knew right away. They knew within a few dates they knew there's something different.

[00:08:42] This is the one. This is my person. This is the one for me.

[00:08:46] There isn't a need for you to go to the tarot deck readings. I used to do those. What is your person thinking about you now? Will your person come back to you? The last one I ever watched, [00:09:00] I thought, if it truly was my person, would I ever be watching a video like this?

[00:09:09] There's no f*cking way. The guys that have adored me, the ones that have chased me, the ones that have been clear they wanted to be with me. It is crystal clear to them and people in their life, the things they do, the ways that we date, they court me.

[00:09:25] The adoration, all of it is crystal clear. There wasn't any confusion in it.

[00:09:33] Let your confusion be the clarity.

[00:09:36] I saw a video this morning talking about relationships that. Until we start to realize that we're worthy of being chosen. I think that probably comes close. However, it misses the mark we don't need to be worthy of being chosen. The breakdown was when I was outsourcing it and I was waiting on someone to choose me.[00:10:00] 

[00:10:01] If I'm waiting on someone to choose me, then the game is already set up to be lost. It's set up to lose by me because I'm outsourcing my power. It would be set up to lose by him because then it's putting too much pressure on him or putting too much power in his hands. Instead, the question is: am I willing to choose myself?

[00:10:27] If the answer was not, yes. I had to put a pause on dating. We only tolerate in relationships the way that we treat ourselves. If we're treating ourselves well with a standard of excellence, pampering ourselves, spoiling ourselves, if we're taking really good care of ourself, we will only allow in the relationship

[00:10:54] that treats us that way or better.

[00:10:57] The other thing I [00:11:00] learned

[00:11:00] is that matching energy was going to be one of my moves.

[00:11:06] Is matching their energy mean you're playing games? No. What it means is I'm not available anymore for over giving. What it means is I'm not going to leak my energy into places where it's not reciprocated back. I'm not leaking my energy into places where it's not coming back as more multiplied.

[00:11:31] If it feels like it's depleting or if it feels like it's taking, I'm not doing it to,

[00:11:39] to hope they start to become present, or start to become generous or hope they become emotionally available or physically available. It's had to put a stop to that game. And notice that matching energy is [00:12:00] wisdom.

[00:12:00] The other reframe I need to become available for is trusting that God, fill it in with your 'Designer' is protecting me. I'm in a pause that I'm going to put this on hold and shelf it until the best thing comes along for me.

[00:12:24] So the best thing comes along for me. Can I trust and know with certainty that, during these quiet times, I'm working on myself. I am still enjoying life. Still dating myself. I'm still taking myself out on the best experiences. Not waiting. I'm not pausing my life.

[00:12:48] I'm not pausing, living.

[00:12:50] If you thought I'm in a season of nunnery. I'm a nun. The last 18 months. Last 24 months, or last [00:13:00] three, however long this season has felt to you. When you're in this can you trust this is meant to be the best chapter of your life?

[00:13:13] It's not a season of stopping or waiting it doesn't have to be something that was withheld from you. Instead, can you use this to have the best time of your life? Can you say the best is yet to come, and how would I live today? How would I walk?

[00:13:34] How would I talk? How would I dress when I'm out and about? What are the things that I would do? This moment is the one that I have.

[00:13:43] So why not enjoy? This moment doesn't mean filling in the gaps or making excuses for someone else. This moment means I'm clear. This moment means that

[00:13:57] I'm not using my [00:14:00] imagination to fill in the blanks for someone else. This moment means. I'm using my imagination to create the most wild, successful version of my life. Anything else I'm not available for,

[00:14:17] that would be my invitation to you. If you use your imagination to be delusional, what's the most beautiful version of your life you would create? Let's go create that one my love.