Holding Certainty When Your Circumstances Haven't Changed...Yet

What if the biggest shift in your life isn't changing your circumstances... but changing who you believe you are while you're still living inside them?

In this episode, I talk about holding duality: honoring where you are today while refusing to let your current circumstances define your future.

We dive into why shame and guilt keep us stuck, why boundaries are one of the greatest forms of self-respect, how to stop waiting until your back is against the wall before creating, and why certainty—not knowing how—is what changes everything.

If you're rebuilding after divorce, career changes, financial setbacks, heartbreak, or simply becoming a new version of yourself, this conversation is for you.

Remember:
 You don't have to know how.
You only have to become the person who can receive what's already on its way.

If you're in the messy middle...
 you can borrow my certainty.

In this episode:

•  Holding both today's reality and tomorrow's vision 
•  Why guilt and shame are invisible handcuffs 
•  Learning to say "no" without apology 
•  The identity beneath the circumstances 
•  Why your back doesn't need to be against the wall to create abundance 
•  Playing with money instead of chasing it 
•  Borrowing certainty when you don't have your own 
•  Rebuilding from identity first 
•  Choosing alignment over hustle 
•  Creating a life that fuels you instead of drains you 

Transcript

Holding Duality & Choosing Certainty

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Today I want to talk about the duality holding both the current circumstances in our life and everything that we desire on the other side of that. Sometimes it seems far away, but what we want seems to be out of reach at the moment. And I remember being so incredibly overwhelmed at different times in my life as a single parent to three boys, when I was building my company, when I hired employees, when I signed my first six-figure contract. All of those things, it's holding that certainty of who we are in the middle of it. Because nothing else matters. It doesn't matter what the bank account balance is, it doesn't matter what the past is. Who cares? Who cares what the past is? Who cares what happened last week? And it's a trap when we start to look at the shame and the guilt. Those things are BS. Those are the invisible handcuffs that we hold ourselves hostage with or beat ourselves over the head with decisions that I made. When I think, okay, that was not the smartest decision, or would I make that in hindsight? No. But that's the whole purpose of hindsight. The purpose of hindsight is for us to learn the lesson so that next time we will do it differently. That could be true with the same guy we date, different tattoos. Oh, look, it's a new guy. No, same lesson, same lesson. It can be that way with our careers too. The same lessons with maybe it's boundaries that show up. Are we having a conversation with someone and what we say on the outside doesn't necessarily match what we feel on the inside? It's incredibly

The Cost of People Pleasing

SPEAKER_00 2:00

important to step into having them both match, have what we want to say match what's going on inside of us. It's the people pleaser that will twist it and will either cause us to withhold the words or rephrase it so that it sounds a little bit nicer, or it doesn't share all of what we need or all of what we want. And we pay an incredibly high price for that. We we tolerate people longer than what we need to, we tolerate jobs longer than what we need to. We tolerate accepting a salary less than what we desire or are worthy of longer than what we need to.

Learning to Say No

SPEAKER_00 3:07

He said, I would love to take you and your friends around. I could be your personal driver. He said, Feel free to take my number and I'll take you whenever you need a driver. I can, I'll come and pick you up. And I thought, no, thank you. And he's like, Yeah, you could tell all your friends you have a personal driver. There's no desire. I have no desire for that. That trip even helped it become so much more clear of what I have a desire for in my love relationships, with my friendships, with the men that I allow in my life. And it continued on because there was another man that asked me out a few days after that. And he said, Can I get your number? He's someone I see often. And he asked for my phone number. I said no. And he said, At least, can I get your Instagram or something? And I said, No. So I told him no. And he said, I want to take you out on a date. No, thank you. And he said, Okay, I'll keep waiting then. It's gonna be a very long time because the answer is still no. But I thought about it. It's where do we say yes when we mean no? I don't know. The even giving a hug to someone, if a guy comes up to me, oh, good to see you, and he gives me a hug, I don't necessarily want to hug. It's I would rather like slip and roll. You know, like they teach you in boxing, you know, do that slip and roll. No, thank you. But I digress from holding the duality. The topic for today is duality. That if you do not have certainty in this moment, you can borrow my certainty. I want to tell you, you are going to be good. You are going to be more than good. You're going to be abundant. You're going to be at ease. You're going to be healthy. You're going to

Borrow My Certainty

SPEAKER_00 5:00

be love and loved. It's so amazing to me when I've coached women in their 20s and they think, love is never going to find me. I'm never going to get married. I'm an old maid. And I'm thinking, girl, you are 20-something years old. You have all this beautiful life ahead of you. And right now, enjoy this time being single. Every single one of them, even ones that are beyond that age, where they thought, oh, it's not coming for me. I've watched them get married and I've watched them have children. The ones that desire to have children, the ones that desire to get married. The in-between is where you get to hold the certainty for what you desire. We're going to take this back to an example. This past weekend on a Sunday, I had someone call me and they said, I'm really up against it right now. There's a challenge in my life. I'm up against it. I have to create something, cash flow by the

Stop Waiting Until Your Back Is Against the Wall

SPEAKER_00 6:00

10th of July. They said, I see cash coming in by the 10th of July, and I'm up against it right now, my back up against the wall. It made me realize how many times do I as a woman wait until my back is up against the wall until I decide to create? Part of it, me being addicted to the dopamine, is it one more way that I secretly prove to myself that, oh, yeah, I can do this. I can be a superhero. Look at me when I'm under pressure. Why would I have to stress my out, stress myself out? Why can't I instead create when I'm not under that time pressure? Create when my back is not up against the wall. When can I receive just because I'm worthy of receiving? How can I create just because I'm worthy of creating with ease and grace and flow? That was a way different story that I had to rewrite for myself. And when, you know, she called me on Sunday and we talked about it. And I said, rather than wait until July 10th, what if you played the money game and you created this by July 3rd? And she said, okay, maybe I could do that. And I said, What if we take out the other elements that put the pressure on it to the 10th? What if we take those elements out and instead you set your own deadline for the third and start to make a game out of this? And she said, I don't see how this is going to happen. The how never ever matters. The how is irrelevant. If we think we know the how, the universe probably laughs because there's so many ways, infinite ways that money can come to us, and infinite ways that problems can be solved, infinite ways that our lives can shift and

Why the "How" Doesn't Matter

SPEAKER_00 8:00

change. And the how is never ever our responsibility. The game gets to be us choosing where we want to go. What is the end game for us? What do we want to, what's the dollar amount that we're creating? I'm going to use money as an example in this episode, although I've used it to create a company. I've used it to buy my own house as a single parent to three boys. I use it all the time, but I'm going to use money in today's episode. And so, because that was the recent one with her calling in. So she called me on Sunday and I said, What if you used the third instead? And she said, Okay, I can do that. And she said, Okay, I'm gonna do this and I'm going to the casino. I'll see if I win there. And I noticed that when we're trying to grasp at money, when it's that grasping at it, if I go buy a lotto ticket and I need this money, it's not going to show up. It comes with ease, it comes with flow, it comes where there isn't that grasping or that chasing. I have friends that go to the casino and they're multimillionaires. They go to the casino and they'll win like $40,000, $25,000. And I'm like, how did you do that on a slot machine? How did you win $25,000? Yeah, we were just sitting there playing it and it just came up. Of course. Money flows easily. It's not going to come to us if we're secretly pushing it away. Because that grasping to some degree is a push. It's a push pull. It doesn't like the push pull. It likes the flow. It likes easy. So her and I were talking, and she said, I'm not sure how this is going to work. And I told her, I said, you can borrow my certainty. And the same with each one of you listening, that if you're in that in-between right now, you can borrow my certainty. This is going to work out for you.

Becoming Someone Who Can Receive

SPEAKER_00 10:00

This is going to work. We live in a universe that is abundant. People can be trillionaires, people can be billionaires. There's enough money floating around in the ethers. And it comes around to all of us. It's only a matter of what do we want to receive. Become the woman, become the man that can hold your desires, that can hold what you want to receive. If I'm not, if I'm not managing $5, how am I going to manage $1 million? It's I have to learn how to manage the $5, then it turns into the $5 million. When we're holding that in between, look at it as co-creation. That helped me too. When I had my back up against the wall a few months ago and there was something extra in my life, I was wanting to create $8,000 by a Friday. And I thought, what if I

My $8,000 Manifestation Story

SPEAKER_00 11:00

co-created it? I've manifested so much in my life. I mean, I manifested the Mercedes that I liked because I love cars. I never even posted one picture of my Mercedes online and any of the social medias because it wasn't for other people. It was for me. And it wasn't even a few months ago. Good God, I say that. And it was like beginning of June. And when I was playing the game and thought, okay, by Friday, I want to manifest $8,000. I thought, there's no way. And I was looking at the way that circumstances were right now. I was looking at it and I felt crushed by it, crushed. I felt the weight of all the things that were happening in my life right then. I felt the weight of circumstances when I was looking at the current circumstances, and I was using that mistakenly as evidence for whether or not I was able to manifest what I needed next or co-creating what I needed next. Almost have to look at it with a slanted eye that yes, I see that's the way things are, but look at it with a squinted vision, getting giving it very little time, energy, or focus to a degree. Yes, I'm aware that this is where I'm at. This is where I'm starting. And by Friday, I want to create an additional $8,000. And it came in for me within a day and a half. One of the ways I did not expect actually none of it. I didn't see any of it coming my way. But by Friday, I had the $8,000 that I wanted to create. Don't worry. I didn't sell drugs or go out and have, I wasn't a sex worker that week. It wasn't any of those things. It manifested because I, with

Rewriting the Struggle Story

SPEAKER_00 13:00

squinted vision, looked at the way things were, but wholeheartedly, where my focus was was more about I'm the woman that can manifest things. I'm really good at manifesting. All of us are. We just don't notice that everything we have in our life, we are already manifesting that. We want to think, oh, this happened to me, or this happened, or this circumstance. It's to some degree or all of it. We've manifested it. We manifested it. There's a lesson to be learned from it. What's a lesson that I can learn? For me, it was I don't have to have my back up against the wall. I don't have to self-sabotage. I don't have to feel unworthy. I don't have to struggle. Why do I feel like I need to struggle in order to receive? Then I can justify receiving $8,000. Then I can justify making a $10,000 here. It's why do I need to justify the struggle so that I can say, see, I can receive the $10,000 because of my blood, sweat, and tears? That's so ridiculous. That's old technology, old programming, old lies in the culture. Part of that's tied to that hustle culture of um that we have to hustle and grind. No, we get to be our most aligned, authentic version of ourselves. And the universe loves us so much that we are worthy of receiving. So back to the Sunday story, I told her, if you don't have certainty right now, you could borrow my certainty. We chatted a few times. She tried different things. She took action. She was taking the steps. And when she spoke with one person and they said no, they couldn't lend it. We were looking at different options for her to create the money that she desired. And I said, make it a game. Make it be playful with it. Money

Making Money a Game

SPEAKER_00 15:00

is a game. Money we get to be playful with. And she said, I forgot to be playful with it. I want to be playful again. And then can I tell you by it was less than it was just about 48 hours later. So the following day in the evening. So she had all of that day that we spoke. And then by Monday evening, she had manifested the money that she wanted. And I noticed that how often, where I've done this too, where how often am I so committed to the old story? Or where I'm so committed to making it hard and making it challenging. Rebuilding was another word that came up today when I was speaking with a woman on the phone. She said, I'm on that rebuilding, which is why I wanted so much to put this recording out today for

Rebuilding Your Identity

SPEAKER_00 16:00

you. That when we're in that rebuilding, we get to hold both. You're holding both. You're holding the old version of you. And some of those things have fallen away by choice. Some of them life circumstances, children have moved out of the house. Now the 20-somethings are gone and you're an empty nester, or you have a relationship that has been complete, the lessons are learned, and now we're single, or a career change. And it's all of the things that we've let define our identity as opposed to pieces and parts. It's as much as the clothing that we put on, those are pieces and parts. It's a shirt that we put on, the dress that we choose, or the shoes that we slide our feet into. It's those are pieces and parts of us. The identity underneath, that is everything. That is everything that we build upon in this rebuilding phase. So the identity, the foundation for who you are, that's what we build upon. That's the unshakable part. That's where the certainty is. And that's when I told her, I said, you can do this. I was like, girl, you are so good at manifesting. You can do this. It's happening. Just because you don't see it yet, just because you don't see the how doesn't mean that it's not happening. She would text me and tell me, oh, this didn't work out. Whatever thing she was trying, because she was still taking action and she was still moving through it, but slow enough where she's still enjoying her day. It wasn't repeatedly, it wasn't panic, it was trust. And I responded in text message and I said, It's happening. At the end of that 48 hours when she manifested the money, which, like I said, then she had it two days later, and way before the third. However, we weren't attached to the how and we weren't attached to the timeline.

Letting Go of the Superwoman Role

SPEAKER_00 18:00

It was all those beautiful lessons that we learn along the way that I don't have to wait until my back is up against the wall to be able to create. I know so many women that we are resilient. We are resourceful, we are incredibly strong. Why do we need to be to make it harder? Especially as a single parent with three boys. I used to say this saying too of if it's to be, it's up to me. And it's like, good God, that is so, it's such a masculine-driven, exhausting way, which will give women health problems, including thyroid problems, etc. Thankfully, I don't have that. Good health, knock on wood. I did have that of wearing that superhero cape. Even in my garage, I had that picture of Wonder Woman hanging up. One of my son's friends asked him, Is that your mom? Okay, brunette, I'll take that, I guess. I really used to think I was Wonder Woman because it was holding the entire world together in the palm of my hand on the outside, but inside being overly exhausted and so incredibly tired until I learn to lay that all down. It's not a giving up. Sometimes I think the universe says, oh, lay it all down. And it's not just throwing it up in the air either and just let everything catch on fire and walk away. Instead, it's choosing what do I hold, choosing what gets my time, my energy, and my attention. That's the T. Yeah, that's the real T. I'm not talking about other people. The focus is me, what's going on in my life, and what am I building? You don't have to

Choosing Coaches & Friends Wisely

SPEAKER_00 20:00

do this alone. You can come here, you can listen to the videos. And there's something too about girlfriends in real life. When you can pick up the phone, you can call a girlfriend, or you can call a coach, have a coaching call. Be careful with coaching, the coaching industry, though. In the coaching industry, some really are meant to be keep you dependent and keep you on that world in a loop forever. When I coach with my clients, I've typically coached them for three months or four months. And we take a pause and then they go do life and then we come back again. They've reached out to me again. And sometimes two years later, after coaching, they'll coach when it feels like it's necessary. There are times where we've coached many months in a row, but it's not the addiction, it's not the them handing their power over to me. I would say use that caution when you're hiring a coach, that they help you remember your power, your brilliance. What else do I want to say about coaches? The best athletes in the world, all of them have a coach to help them become better. They can see things from a different point of view than what we see. If we're struggling through something on our own, it's the Sunday call. It's that was resolved in two days. And how long would we have suffered through that on our own? Would it have been at least until July 10th, the date that she declared? Yes. Could it have also been beliefs underneath that would show up again next month? Could have been, but instead those got squashed and we were able to rewrite those and reframe it. There's a reframe that happens when you can look at it from another perspective. And have girlfriends in real life. Sometimes it's easier to make where it seems easier to make time to go out on.

Heart, Mind & Intuition in Alignment

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Dates or be in a marriage or a relationship, we have other things that will get our attention. There's something incredibly different when you can sit with a girlfriend. Having that girlfriend time, even if you are in that relationship in that marriage that is amazing, the girlfriend time provides something different for our heart than what we receive in any of those love relationships. When I mentioned heart, the heart and brain and intuition, that gut knowing, that coherence of those three things. Sometimes it's easy to run around and make all the decisions from the logical mind part. Sometimes it's easy to choose someone or something with our heart. And then sometimes we have that intuition in our gut, our knowing, our stomach. We have this feeling. And if you look it up online, the nerve endings that are in our heart, more nerves there than in our brain. It's our heart center. There's a reason why it's called the center, it's buried here in plain sight. When we have our heart in coherence with our brain, our mind, and then in coherence with our intuition, gut knowing. And having the three of those things aligned is where the magic happens. There's something that is so magical when we get to move through this world doing what we absolutely love, what we were made for, and what lights us up. Way better than dragging our body around. I used to start my day with a Starbucks coffee that was lined in caramel. And at lunch, I would have a Diet Coke at the end of the day, red wine to help me unwind. And it's like, good God, I'm having all of these things to help me get up and keep me up and help me relax and all of that. Instead, when there's this coherence with all three and we are in complete alignment, there's this buzzing that happens. And sometimes I can't even sleep. With coaching calls, I'm like, oh my God, I can't even sleep. There's so much buzzing and alignment and excitement for the people that I talk to. And no matter what your career is, even if it's the, you know, gal that is doing lashes and she loves the conversations that she has with women. If it's the woman that helps people with insurance and helping them set up their financial planning, it's all of us, we have a calling. Each moment we find that alignment. Each moment we find the thing that lights us up the most. And we

What Truly Refuels You

SPEAKER_00 25:00

take that as far as we can take it. There were some days where it was so challenging for me this past like year and a half. I had a really rough year and a half with Chiron return. And I, it was a rough one. I'll share more about that later, but not today, because that's that's not the topic for today. Oh gosh, I started to get nervous about that. Oh, I could feel myself sweating, even thinking about that. How rough it was. But what I when I was in that rough patch in the year and a half, and there were times where I needed the blanket for it. There were times where I needed to work a 14-hour day. There were times when I needed a bath, just linger in a long bubble bath. There were times when I needed to take a nap during the day. There were times when I needed a happy hour with friends or to go on a date. It's knowing our body well enough is important. What fuels us in taking care of our needs before it's a state of emergency. You have on your cell phone, you know, when your phone needs to be charged. And we are so intentional about charging our phone every day. We don't forget to do that. However, we forget to do the things that bring us pleasure, the things that refuel us. You see it on your car. You see the level of, okay, this is how much gas I have. I need to stop and get gas. You know, if you're one of those people that likes to stop and get gas, I is it around a quarter of a tank and then I have to fill up again because otherwise I'll start to panic because I'm thinking, a quarter of a tank, what if that messes with my timing issue? What if I have to drive further? What if I have to drive up to Orange County or and there's extra traffic, whatever it might be? I'll start to panic around a quarter of a tank. Okay, let me be honest about that. I've also pulled up to the gas pump with a mile left in my gas tank or seven miles, something ridiculous. The point being, can we take care of our needs before? And also understanding what your needs are. You know how to plug your cell phone into the wall. You know how to get your phone to work, you know how to get your car to drive. Do you know yourself well enough? What are the things that make you work? I like to call my goddess days where it's this is the day to pour into me. And maybe it's those are it's more accurate described as my alignment days, that these are the days when I make sure that I'm most aligned with me and I pour into me. It's so easy to give to everyone else. What are the things that I love? I love journaling, reading a book, taking a long bath. I like a really nice meal. Those are the things that will bring me back to me. Is it acupuncture,

Holding Both Reality & Possibility

SPEAKER_00 28:01

a massage, a walk outside? All of those things. There's there are many things we can do to bring ourselves back into alignment that require zero money. And there are equally as many things that we could do that require a health and time investment, money investment too. Being really clear on what refuels you. Can you set aside one day a week where it's for you? Or can you set aside a few hours? I think the most important thing I want to leave you with is it's okay to hold the duality of both. It's okay to hold where you are right now, the current circumstances, but just peek. Look at it with just through the squinted eyes and allow your focus, your desire to be on what you want next. In between, stay

Final Thoughts: Your Circumstances Are Not Your Future

SPEAKER_00 29:00

incredibly grounded. You get to co-create. You get to co-create with God, with universe light, the name that you give it. Without me being dogmatic, but hold the certainty in between. So, regardless of what circumstances look like, regardless of how challenging it might be, regardless of the odds that seem stacked against you, regardless of how it feels to have your back against the wall, hold certainty that you are going to be okay. You're going to be more than okay. And this is going to turn out so good for you. Through this, you get to remember how incredibly amazing, powerful, and worthy you are. And there's so many beautiful things waiting for you. And I know this because you found this audio. Thank you so much. And I can't wait to see you when I see you.

unknown 29:58

Bye.