How Do I Navigate Singleness When Everyone is Dating or Married?

Episode 4 dives into one of the most personal and misunderstood seasons of life: singleness. How do you navigate it when everyone around you seems to be dating, engaged, or married? We talk about the pressure, loneliness, church culture, comparison, and why singleness isn’t a lesser season to survive—but a meaningful gift that is one of the greatest weapons for the Kingdom of God.

Transcript

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So, we have questions. But they're questions that you haven't asked. Because either they're uncomfortable or complicated or even just a little bit risky. Questions that most people don't ask because they just don't want to go there. But in this podcast, we do want to go there because we believe that our hollys is ready. So in this podcast, we want you to bring your questions.

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Let's look at this together. Let's leave it. Let's go there.

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Yo, what's going on, Landon Podcasting, and welcome to another episode of Let's Go There. I'm your host, Ben Pucas. And as always, we're gonna mention this every single time. I'm in the podcast studio with my good friend Russell Williams. And so as you can tell, um, if you go to Fellowship Bible Church, you know that a couple Sundays ago I couldn't speak because I had this like weird laryngitis. That's still here, so my voice is a little bit gone. Thanks, Arkansas, and the allergies that it brings. I don't know what bloomed in the last few days, but I'm kind of done with it, if I'm honest with you. And so bear with me. Uh, the voice is not as painful as it was on Sunday, uh, but it's definitely not as intense as it normally is. And so, but we're excited. We wanted to make sure that we could we're able to do this episode because this episode I'm super excited for. It's super near and dear to my heart because the question that we're gonna be answering today, because again, we believe that honest questions deserve honest answers, uh, is about singleness. And the question that we're gonna be answering is how do I navigate my singleness when everyone around me is either dating, engaged, or married? And this is a question, especially for single people, especially for people that are in college, that people can struggle with a lot. And it's near and dear to my heart because it's something that I mightily struggled with myself. And the reason that I struggled with it is because I'm a 30-year-old right now and I am single. I've never been married. And five years ago, I was really struggling with it. And by struggling with it, I don't mean like, ooh, I feel a little bit sad. I mean I was angry at the Lord, I was bitter to the church, and I could not figure out how singleness was actually a gift because that's what you hear all the time. I mean, I'm expecting that if you clicked on this podcast, you're expecting to hear it's a gift, it's a gift, it's a gift. But if I'm honest with you, the reason I wrote the book is not because I had all the answers. The reason I wrote the book is because I had no answers. Because I had a very hard time answering the question: how could a loving father, who I believe is all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving, how could that father actively give me the gift of singleness when he knows that I desire marriage so much? And and at one point I'd felt the Lord lead me to say, Hey, I really want you to write a book. And I thought it was laughable. I was like, I'm not a writer, I'm not that kind of guy. I don't like writing, I don't want to write. But what I started realizing in the beginning is I'm I never thought that I was ever going to be able to write a book, but really what I was doing was I was getting words on a piece of paper and I started grasping for straws, trying to find answers. And why I'm excited about this podcast is in the process of writing the book, it's right here. Uh, it's called Table for One, uh, a singles journey from bitterness to contentment. You can find this on Amazon. If you can't afford it, man, slide into our DMs and say, they I can't afford a copy, and I'll I'll comp you a copy. Don't just do it because you want to get a free copy. But if you can't afford it, man, I would love to give this to you because writing this book changed my life. And what my prayer is is that people who read this book and people who listen to podcasts like this, that their life can be changed as well. Because, as we know and as we've talked about in this podcast, there are a lot of answers to a lot of our questions. And so, in the process of writing this book, you know, it talks about a single journey from bitterness to contentment. I'm one of those single people that I went from bitterness and now I feel so much life and so much joy with singleness. And so I believe a lot of times the reason why we can have such a hard time with this idea in this worldview of singleness, and we can have a really bad theology of singleness, is I do believe the church in general, the big C church, I'm not calling out any specific church. I believe the church in general has a very bad theology of singleness, not because they have just a bad theology of singleness, but I think on the other side, the reason why we have a bad theology of singleness is because we have a horrible theology of marriage. I think what we have turned marriage to be is this ultimate goal. And what we have turned the Christian life into being is being all about fulfilling the American dream. You go to school, you find a wife, or you find a husband, and you get married, and you live a few years without kids, and you start having kids, and you buy the house with the white picket fence, and you have two and a half children. And we have made that the standard of faithfulness in the Christian life. And the really sad thing about the culture that we live in inside of the church, not just the world, I actually think the world has a better worldview and theology of singleness than even the church does, because the church is constantly, maybe not purposefully, maybe not actively saying words out of their mouth, but the church is actively discouraging single people from living in the life season that God has them in. You know, Harding University, right across the street from fellowship. I mean, you can throw a stone and you can hit Harding. And I hear stories all the time from people, especially girls. They show up to school, their parents are helping them move in, and they hear it from their parents, they hear it from their professors the first day of class. Look to your left, look to your right. The person you're sitting next to may be your husband or your wife. And could that be the case? Absolutely. But these people, these single people, are showing up to institutions where they're supposed to be getting an education, where they're there for academia to set them up for success in the future, and they've made that the place where they're going to find their spouse. And do people find their spouse in college? Absolutely. And as is that a bad thing? No, because we're gonna talk about this just because we're talking about how we are loving singleness, and you're gonna see why I believe singleness isn't just a gift of one of the most powerful resources God has given the church, that doesn't mean that we're, you know, trashing on marriage. Marriage is a good thing. And will people find their husband or their wife in college, or will people find their husband or their wife early on in life? Yes, and that's a good thing, and praise the Lord for that. But what happens when you don't? What happens when that college kid who, you know, from the time they were seven years old, their parents prayed for their spouse, they prayed for Prince Charming to come around, they prayed for that princess to come, and then they get to their senior year, and the Prince Charming and the princess hasn't come into the picture yet. You know, and then they start to feel this pressure of wow, like I have not done what I set out to do here. So what's wrong with me? But really, the danger of this worldview is not just what's wrong with me, but what happens so often with col with single people, especially college students, what happened with me before I got to write this book is I wasn't just frustrated at the circumstance, I got frustrated with God. Because a lot of times what we do in the church, and it's not good, it's not something we need to make a habit of, but it's something that we do, is so often we start writing checks that God never intends to cash. We start to say things like, Hey, you're going to find your wife. Hey, I've heard this recently. Hey, Ben, if God has given you this desire of marriage, surely you are going to get married. That is a bad theology because that puts God inside of a box. There are a lot of things in my life that I desire. It doesn't mean that I'm going to get those things because some of the things that I desire are outside of the will of God. And so this theology that we have can be such a bad theology because it can make one part, one season of life ultimate. And then in the process, it can make this season of life over here in singleness not only make it feel like you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing, but it can make it feel like triple A or junior varsity. Married people have made it. Single people, no, there's probably something wrong with you. And why don't you go sit on the sideline until you can find a wife or find a husband? But man, when I look at scripture, when I read the words of Jesus in Matthew 19, if you guys have a chance, go to Matthew 19. Starts in verse 10, I believe, when he talks about eunuchs, and they're the disciples are asking Jesus about divorce. And they're like, Is it okay for a man to divorce his wife? And Jesus kind of gives an answer. And then after he gives the answer about divorce, which we're going to talk about here in the next few weeks, is divorce an option? Is divorce okay? But right after that, Jesus says to his disciples, he goes, Some are going to be eunuchs, though. Some are going to be eunuchs because they were born that way, some are eunuchs because man made them that way, some are eunuchs because they choose to be that way. What a eunuch is, is someone who is celibate, someone who is not going to have any kind of sexual relations with anybody. And what Jesus says is for some will choose to be a eunuch for the sake of the kingdom of God. And for those who can accept this saying, I want you to accept it. And when I read the words of my Jesus, the words in red, and I hear that kind of language, I don't hear singleness and being celibate and not being married. I don't hear that as a bummer. I don't hear that as junior varsity. In fact, what I hear Jesus saying is if you want to be most effective for the kingdom of God, do what these eunuchs have done. It's a hard saying, but they're going to be super effective for the kingdom of God. So choose this life. It's a hard saying, but if you want to be most effective, don't get married, stay single. And I'll tell you, there's not a lot of podcasts, there's not a lot of books, there's not a lot of sermons that I ever hear, articles that I read online that ever say those kind of words. But when I read the words in red, when I hear Jesus' words, that's exactly what I hear him saying. Do you want to be most effective for the kingdom of God? Don't get married, stay single. And then the cliche, y'all knew this was coming, 1 Corinthians chapter 7. When I see Paul diving into saying, Hey, I wish that all of you were as I myself am. I wish all of you were single like I am. And you see him diving into this, he's like, I would save you from worldly troubles. Because the unmarried man or the unmarried woman isn't worried about another human being. Their soul devotion is to the Lord. They're not worried about how to please a wife. They're not worried about how to please a husband. They're focusing and they have soul, undivided devotion to the Lord. But the married man and the married woman, they aren't just solely devoted to the Lord. They're also worried about how do I please my husband or how do I please my wife. And there are things that you look at in scripture when I hear the words in red, when I hear the words from Paul, which I believe are fully inspired by the Holy Spirit, I don't see singleness as a junior varsity season. I see singleness as a powerful weapon for the kingdom of God. In fact, I see singleness as the better option if you want to be most effective for kingdom work. We have to get theology right because y'all, theology matters. That's why we're doing a podcast like this. Because the way that we view our God, the way that we view reading scripture definitely 100% defines the way we live our life. We have to get theology right. And so there are a lot of people that the devil has fooled into thinking that they're they're second-class citizens, they're second-class Christians when in reality they're not second class, they're first class. They can be the most effective weapons, but because we have bad theology, we have too many single people sitting on the sideline, not getting their hands dirty for kingdom work because the devil has fooled them. Theology is important and we have to get it right. Which leads me to a question that I get all the time in singleness. It's a question that when the Lord led me to write table for one, I asked myself. I'm gonna be honest with you guys for a second. This is like a little embarrassing because I'm like, it's just me and Russ in a room right now, but I know like other people are gonna listen to this, and I have no idea who's gonna listen to it. But when the Lord led me to write this book, my excuse, you know, like the Exodus 3 when God tells Moses to go talk to Pharaoh and let his people go. Like Moses gave all these excuses. One of my excuses I gave to the Lord for not writing this book was write, God, but I don't even know if I have the gift of singleness. And I don't think, ready for this? This was in 2020. I don't think I will be single long enough to write a book like this. And so so many people they come up to me and they're like, How do I know if I have the gift of singleness? I desire marriage. So is this podcast even for me, or am I listening to this podcast for a friend? And I heard this one time, I don't even remember where I heard it, I've heard it actually a couple of times. And there's a foolproof way for us to be able to know if we have been given the gift of singleness or not. And it's 100%. And so, like, I want you to like kind of get ready. Like, this is for free. If you want to know if you have been given the gift of singleness, there's one thing that you need to do. When you woke up this morning, wherever you were, whether you're in a hotel room, whether you're in a dorm room, whether you're in your house or an apartment, if you woke up this morning and you were single and you were not married, then you have been given the gift of singleness. You may have the desire to be married, but that doesn't mean you haven't been given a gift. Just because you don't want something doesn't mean you haven't been given it. And so for us, we don't need to be asking ourselves if we've been given this gift or this blessing of singleness, which I'll be honest with you. Hearing that frustrated me. Like, I feel like it was Christmas morning and I was opening up my presence and I opened up a torture device and I like looked at my God and I'm like, seriously? Like you gave me this, I don't want this. But whether we don't want it or not doesn't change the fact that we've been given a gift or not. If you woke up this morning and you were not married, you have been given the gift of singleness. And so, does that mean it's gonna be easy? No, like in fact, I think one of the gifts of singleness, again, not a fun thing, but a thing that we get to take. One of the gifts of singleness that I've learned in my life is it's actually very hard. It's not easy, almost on purpose, as if God is bringing me into this moment where he's like, Do you trust me? Do you believe that I am on my throne? Do you believe that I can only give good gifts to those who walk uprightly with me? And like it says in Psalm chapter 84, like, do you believe that I am a good God, that when I give you gifts, I'm not trying to give you a torture device, I'm trying to give you a weapon for my kingdom, a weapon that you can use against Satan himself. And that's the question we have to ask. And so often people are gonna ask, How do I find contentment in singleness? And this may actually be an episode that we do because there's so much I can go into here, but we're we're kind of running out of time. You know, we always are asking, okay, it's a gift, I have it, but why don't I ever feel like I have contentment? Because if I'm honest, I'm not loving it right now. And I'll be honest with myself, even after I wrote this book. There were lots of seasons that I walked into, I did not love singleness at all. It was hard, it was it's been messy. Holidays can be tough, birthdays can be tough because it's the reminder that another year has gone by and I haven't been given the things that I've asked the Lord so desperately for. But the way that we find contentment, contentment doesn't mean that you don't desire something else. Contentment and singleness doesn't mean you get to the point where you're like, nah, I don't want to be married anymore. Because when you look at Philippians chapter 4 and you see Paul, which is Philippians 4 13, right? I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Such a misquoted, out of context verse. It's actually insane. But what that's talking about is the key to contentment. Paul says, I know how to be content. I know the secret of being content. I know how to be brought low and I know how to be brought high. I know how to be hungry and I know how to be full. I know how to be free and I know how to be in prison. This is a Ben Pukish translation. Because I can do all of those things through Christ who gives me strength. So when Paul is in a prison cell, which the prison system back 2,000 years ago is not the prison system that it is today, I'm gonna guess it's cold, it's damp, you're not eating good food if you're eating any kind of food at all. I'm guessing there's not a lot of clothing, not a lot of bedding. There were probably moments when Paul says that I know how to be hungry, I know how to be in need. There were probably moments where Paul was literally starving. Not like a junior high kid or an elementary school kid at four in the afternoon before dinner that's like, I'm starving, mom. No, like I think Paul went days and weeks and potentially even months without eating food. Paul says, I know how to be content in there. I can get through this because Jesus is going to give me strength. Does that mean that Paul wasn't craving a double cheeseburger from McDonald's? No, I bet Paul was desperately wanting to eat food. But what trumped his need, what trumped his hunger, was not the fact that he didn't want food. What trumped his hunger was him saying, No matter what, whether I get food or whether I die of starvation. Ready for this? This is the key to contentment. Jesus is enough. In the book of Daniel, right before they get put into the fiery furnace, and they didn't bow down to this massive gold image that Nebuchadnezzar made and told people that they had to bow down to. They wouldn't do it. And Nebuchadnezzar got angry, and these people were in the king's court. They knew the king. The king knew them. And he got angry. He goes, bow down to this image. And they're like, No, Nebuchadnezzar, we don't have to listen to you. Because we know, we know that our God can save us from the furnace. He is fully capable of doing it. We're ready for this. But even if he doesn't, we will not worship you. That's contentment. Our God is fully capable, Paul, giving me a meal. Our God is fully capable, the three amigos, of saving us from the fiery furnace. Single people, God is fully capable of giving us a husband or giving us a wife when we want one. But ready for this? Even if he doesn't, Jesus will still be enough. That's contentment. That's that's the that's an even if he doesn't kind of faith. If marriage doesn't come when I want it, then Jesus is going to be enough. And one of the reasons I believe we can struggle so mightily with contentment, and we can struggle so mightily with this gift, is because if I'm honest with you, and this is just me being honest and me just being vulnerable with you guys, I think one of the reasons I struggled so mightily with my singleness wasn't because God had forgotten me, wasn't because my even my theology was bad, but it was because I was given a gift that I wasn't using. And so one of the questions that I ask single people all the time, and I want you to write this down somewhere. I put it on my mirror, I put it in my car, I put it in my office, and the question that I want to ask that I believe is going to be the key of whether we're finding contentment or purpose or belonging inside of our singleness or not. And the question is this What are you doing in your singleness right now that you wouldn't be able to do if you were married? Because think about this, think about this logic with me for a second. If singleness is a gift, then there has to be things in your singleness that you can do that you wouldn't be able to do if you were married. Because if you can just do everything in your singleness that you can do in marriage, it's not a gift. It's not differentiated, it's not any different than marriage. But man, I believe wholeheartedly that one of the greatest resources that God has given the church isn't just singleness to single people, because that's the that's the message we hear. Those are the articles we read, the sermons that we read. Singleness is a gift, so enjoy it. Not only do I think that singleness is a gift to single people, because it is. It says it in 1 Corinthians chapter 7, it's very obvious that it is. But I also believe that single people are one of God's greatest resources to the church itself. And when all of us, listen to me say this, when all of us get to heaven, we've talked about this before on the podcast, we're all going to be held accountable for the gifts and the talents and the resources that God has given us. And God is going to look at us and he's going to say, How did you do with the money that I gave you? How did you do with the family that I gave you? How did you do with the home and the job that I gave you? But also, single people, listen to me say this. God's also going to look at us when we see him face to face one day, and he's going to say, How did you do with the weapon of singleness that I gave you? And I think so often the reason I wasn't finding contentment or purpose is because I opened up the gift of singleness under the tree and I left it under the tree. I couldn't answer that question with anything. I couldn't do anything in right at that moment, I wasn't doing anything that I wouldn't be able to do in marriage. And so therefore, I wasn't using my gift. So therefore, I could not find purpose inside of it. And so one of the reasons that me writing this book changed my life is I changed my life around. I started doing things that I wouldn't be able to do. I started serving more freely. I started meeting with people outside of office hours that I wouldn't be able to because my wife andor my wife and kids are gonna be like, honey, why aren't you coming home for dinner? I would have dinner with college students. I would have early morning breakfasts with people, I would do things on the weekend. I made deep friendships with my married community. I became The guy that wasn't just you need to invite me over. I became the guy that invited myself over. I started helping with their kids. One of my friends had a little girl who was colicky and and I mean just cried like 24-7. And I didn't have a wife and kids waiting for me at home. So you know what I did? I worked a full day, and probably four or five, if not six or seven times a week, I would go over to their house after a long day of work, and hey, that baby's gonna cry, whether she's in your arms or my arms. So hey, why don't I hold your little girl while you do laundry, while you cook dinner, while you clean the house. Sometimes they'd give her a bath and she's screaming, and I would just fold their laundry. I would vacuum their living room. Like I started doing things, and you know what I started to find? I wasn't discontent anymore, not because I like had this big life change. But I found contentment and purpose because I stopped thinking about myself and I started thinking about other people. I started counting other needs more significant than my own. And let me tell you what I also found. I became a dangerous weapon for the kingdom of God. Before, I wasn't living a dangerous life. And if I'm honest with you, before the devil wasn't afraid of me because I was a sleeping single person. He lulled me to sleep and I stayed asleep. And instead of going into church and trying to find people to love with the gift of singleness that I had, I was so focused on trying to find the next victim that I was going to date. And man, when I started living out my gift, when I started actually doing things in my singleness that I wouldn't be able to do in my marriage, like my life started to change. And I make this example in the book. You know, like if Bruce Wayne, who's Batman, by the way, not to be a spoiler if you're just getting into the Batman series, but Bruce Wayne is a billionaire that's Batman. If Bruce Wayne put on all of the superhero costume stuff, you know, the the Kevlar and this the bulletproof stuff and the I don't even know all the weapons that he has on him, and he got all of those weapons on him, and then he sat on the couch and he just watched movies, and then he took off his batsuit and then he went to bed. Bruce Wayne's not a superhero. He's just a glorified Comic-Con character, which, and thank God for that, honestly. Love Comic-Con characters. But he's not using his gifts, he's not using his superpower. And I think there's a huge untapped resource in the church today. And it's single people that have been given the tools to run dangerous lives for the kingdom of God. But instead of running a dangerous life for the kingdom of God, they're sulking in their in their self-pity. I was sulking in my self-pity. And guess what? Kingdom work wasn't happening because I believe kingdom work could only happen if I was married. And that is one of the greatest lies that I've ever believed. And so if you are listening to this podcast and you are wondering to yourself, do I have the gift? If you woke up this morning single, you have the gift. And I just want to give it a loving challenge. I just want to give an imagined kind of thing. Again, I don't want this podcast to be something that we check off a list and we move on with our day. I pray every single podcast, there's an action step that we can take. And I believe there are tons of college students and tons of single people that are going to listen to this podcast. And my prayer is I want to see single people in the church. It doesn't even have to be at fellowship. You can be at any church across America, any church in Circe, Arkansas. Can you imagine what the church, not just the big C church, but the individual churches that we go to, can you imagine what those churches would look like if single people actually use their gifts? Imagine children's ministries being overrun by single people saying, I'm not going to waste my singleness. I'm going to disciple the next generation of kids. Imagine student ministries being full of a bunch of people saying, I want to disciple the next generation, college students pouring into other college students and loving on people and starting Bible studies and sharing the gospel of people that are far from him. Imagine what the church would look like. When we stop feeling sorry for ourselves because we're not where we want to be, but we realize that God is sovereign. And so because God is sovereign, I'm single. It's not because there's something wrong with me. It's not because God's trying to just teach me a lesson. When I wrote this book, God says, I'm not just trying to teach you something, I'm asking you to be faithful in something. Imagine, church. Imagine, let's go there, the crew. What our church would look like if single people ran dangerous lives for the kingdom. And just to remind you, there's gonna probably be a bunch of episodes on this. You're not behind, you're not less than, you're not forgotten. In fact, I would say the opposite. If you've been given the gift of singleness, I believe God has a plan for you and a dangerous plan that He doesn't have for married people. So, are you doing anything wrong? No. I would actually say the only thing you're doing wrong is that you don't see one singleness the way that God does, and two, the only thing you're doing wrong is you're not using your gifts to be a weapon for the kingdom of God. So that is the end of this episode. We're really excited for next week. Russ, we're gonna be talking about the idea of uh dating. We're gonna move from singleness to dating, and one of the biggest questions that we get all the time is how do I make boundaries in dating? Man, we're gonna have to do a lot of research on that one, Russ, because that's a hard question to answer. But we're gonna do that next week because we believe honest questions deserve honest answers. But until then, pucis out.