Bridging The Communication Gap

Communication is one of the most important foundations of a healthy relationship--but it's also where many couples struggle the most. 

This episode breaks down the common patterns that lead to miscommunication, such as assumptions, defensiveness, and feeling unheard.  You'll learn practical tools to express your needs clearly, listen with intention, and respond in a way that strengthens connection instead of creating conflict.

Healthy communication isn't about winning an argument, it's about understanding each other.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Welcome to Relationship Coaching Club Podcast. Whether this is your first visit or you've been following us, don't forget to download this podcast to reference later. Because here we keep it real with scenarios, tips, and suggestions. Everything relationship-centered. Hello, I'm Roxanne, your relationship coach and host, along with my co-host, the professor. Together we've been coaching couples and singles for over 20 years, and we're here to work with you. So get ready for today's podcast because we're going to be talking about bridging the communication gap. But before we start, I want to welcome the professor. Hello, Professor.

SPEAKER_03 0:59

Hello, hello, hello, hello. How are you today?

SPEAKER_00 1:02

I'm doing fabulously well, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 1:05

Well, great. Well, um, I want to just take a minute, if you don't mind, to thank all the amazing people that came out and supported us for our meet and greeting. Yes. That was a lovely turnout. Oh, we got to meet some great people, and that was fun. So uh thank you to them. We were in Malay in Malaysia in Kolalumpur at the time, and we had a meet and greet. And if you want to join us on our next meet and greet, uh we will be in uh Danang, Vietnam. And so, as you know, uh we are actually traveling and touring around and meeting people, and so we want to just thank all those that came out and supported us. That was that lovely. That was awesome. And um we love to see your faces. Yeah, we love to see you and meet you. Now, uh, we want to apologize if we're a little echoey, because we are in a um studio meeting workspace and it's a little echoey in here. So and if there's any background noise, we apologize. But um, anyway, this is a really good title.

SPEAKER_01 2:19

Yes, yes, and bridging the gap. Yes, yeah, communication yes, yes. It's uh that's the number one factor.

SPEAKER_00 2:29

And we get so many couples, singles, even trying to learn how to communicate better.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:37

You know, it might maybe because of upbringing, that there was a lot of there was a lot of yelling in the house, and they don't un they don't really communicate well because they've taken these traits into that.

SPEAKER_02 2:52

Absolutely. Uh that is definitely um when you grow up in a home where there's yelling and there's talking, parents are talking to each other with such disdain, that is then imprinted on the children, and then that continues that cycle.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:13

And for the next generation, that is continued on, and relationships suffer.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

Right. And you have you have adults who grew up in a home where there was no communication. And they get in a relationship and when they're confronted, they clam up.

SPEAKER_02 3:34

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 3:35

And that'll that that's an issue too, because they don't you're the voice is not heard.

SPEAKER_01 3:41

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 3:41

So yeah, so we're we're gonna be um giving tips and we're gonna be getting tips and pointers on communicating like grown folks.

SPEAKER_02 3:54

Absolutely. Absolutely. All right, kick yourself, my darling.

SPEAKER_00 3:58

Okay, first there has to be active listening, and by that I mean you have to hear your partner out. You can't cut them off, you can't walk away. There has to be active listening uh to your partner if your partner is is coming, you know, coming with you with some concerns or issues, right?

SPEAKER_02 4:20

So if I put it in a nutshell, put your listening ears on.

SPEAKER_00 4:25

Yes, yes, and yes.

SPEAKER_02 4:29

My mother used to say to me, uh, okay, and uh we need to have a chat. Come and put your listening ears on.

SPEAKER_01 4:36

That's it.

SPEAKER_02 4:36

So put your listening ears on and listen with intent, with purpose.

SPEAKER_00 4:43

Yes, yes, and and again, and also acknowledge what your partner is saying, and you can make gestures like nod, you know, without interrupting, you can just nod and or say I understand and let them continue, but just to acknowledge what your partner is saying, and then hopefully they're they're saying it in in a nice way. We're gonna be getting on both sides, actually. So, and also we're talking about listening, listen to understand.

SPEAKER_02 5:16

A lot of people don't this is one of the things in a relationship when people are trying to communicate to each other, they're so busy trying to get their point across and the other person is not listening and they're talking over them instead of the there needs to be basic ground rules for conversation.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02 5:43

And if you implement that in the beginning of a relationship, I don't know if you remember a little while back we had a group and we use a ball. Right. Do you remember that? And the person who had the ball is the person that can talk. Right. And you had we had a uh a uh three-minute opportunity to talk. Right. Then the next person had the ball, three-minute opportunity to talk. And no one could interrupt. And no one could interrupt. And having simple things like that, where you know, you give a person and say, All right, we're gonna talk about this, and talk about it in a calm manner.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

Right.

SPEAKER_02 6:23

That means you're not yelling, because the moment you raise your voice, that's it. The other person is gonna raise their voice, and then the next time you're gonna raise your voice, and the voices just keep getting louder and louder and louder till it then turns into disrespect, then it calls name calling. Right, and then it can explode into the physical.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

Yeah, and there there's no there's no understanding. So listen to understand.

SPEAKER_02 6:48

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 6:49

Yeah, don't sometimes when couples are trying to talk talk, you have one one partner that's trying to talk to the other, and they're the other partner is so anxious to get to get a point across, they're not un they're not hearing them. Right. They're not understanding what they're seeing, they're just ready to just dive in.

SPEAKER_02 7:10

Pick the time to have a conversation. Yes. If you if something happened and you're upset about it, you don't pick the moment when the person made you upset. Take time to calm down and then have a conversation. Right. I'll give you a perfect example. Man comes home from work, walks through to the door, and she's at it. You didn't do this, you didn't do that, you didn't you said you were gonna get this, you didn't pick up that. That's an attack. Right. Now you've just attacked this guy, and he responds because he's tired, he's exhausted, and then you came in with this attack.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Right, yeah. That's not the that's not the time and place to get your point across.

SPEAKER_02 8:03

Pick the time, yeah, pick the place, and be prepared to talk with sinus.

SPEAKER_00 8:08

Again, communicating like grown folks. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 8:12

That'd be grown.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

Right. And express your feelings rather than accusing, kind of like what what you just I'm gonna piggyback on on what you just the demonstration you just gave. You you can't accuse a person and or attack a person in an uh accusing manner and think that you're gonna be hurt. Yes. You have to use I statements rather than what you just said. You yes, perfect timing. You can't say you didn't let's use your scenario, uh the husband's coming in or the the the partners coming in through the door, and then it's all you didn't pick up, you didn't pick up the groceries, you didn't uh I asked you to pick up the kids, you didn't pick up the kids. No, you you have to come and say, you know, it I I I feel unhurt, or I feel you didn't hear me when I asked you to do such and such. I feel hurt when you said such and such, or when you did such absolutely it hurt me. I I pick the time to do it. Oh, definitely, and stay on topic.

SPEAKER_02 9:25

Yes. The moment you this is we see this so much. In sessions, we see a lot of going back in time. Whereas you have an issue, discuss the issue, but not there and then at the time. If if the person didn't put, let's say they use trash, they put didn't put the trash out, you asked them put the trash out night after night, and then trash didn't get pulled out. You you put the trash out yourself and you keep asking me. And then one and then you've asked me, put the trash out, and I didn't do it again, but then you sat off.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

Right. You never do you never take the trash out. You never and it goes into an attack. Right.

SPEAKER_02 10:11

And instead of saying to your partner listen, I know you're tired, I need a little bit of help. Right. Could you put the trash out in the evening? That would really help me a lot. Right. And you see that, yes. And that that's an easier commun communication. And I know it's easy for us to sit here and say it. It really is, but it's harder to implement because your emotions take over.

SPEAKER_00 10:36

Right, right. And that has to be controlled. Yes. Your emotions have to be controlled if you're to be heard. Yes. And again, staying on topic.

SPEAKER_02 10:48

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 10:48

For instance, if this is um if this is something that happens frequently. Let's say that um the partner, whether it's the man or the woman, the partner knows the trash has to be taken out every Wednesday. And every Wednesday comes and it's been happening for months. And if you stay on topic and say, you start, well, I need help with the the trash. Um, you know, it's it's it's Wednesday, it needs to go out, and you know, I've asked you over and over. And then you start, not only do you not take out the trash, but you don't pick up behind yourself.

SPEAKER_03 11:28

Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:28

You have clothes here in laundry cup day, and you're looking for a shirt, you didn't put it in the laundry bag. You never you never put your clothes up, and then on top of that, you leave your dishes. So you start going with all these issues. If you have one issue, stay on topic.

SPEAKER_02 11:47

I call that the stockpile syndrome.

SPEAKER_00 11:54

That's good.

SPEAKER_03 11:56

I call that the stockpile syndrome. That is that's where stockpile stockpile syndrome.

SPEAKER_02 12:07

That's because we when we get upset and we see that we're running out of ammunition, we go into the stockpile. Oh dear. And we start pulling stuff out. No. And then when we then when we feel like we're not winning the fight, then we go nuclear. You know, and we get we start getting all the the you know, what about the time I've you know, you were cheating on me, and what about this? And what you start going deeper and deeper and deeper, wow, and you start pulling out all the ammunition. Right, right. You're a stockpiler. But yeah, if you have an issue, it needs to be addressed at that point. Address it. And once you've addressed it and you've talked about it, and there's been a conclusion, put it away. Right, right. And if let's say two days later, didn't put out the trash, just do a gentle reminder. Yeah, and remember we had that talk about the trash. Yeah, yeah. It's Wednesday, yeah, it's trash day. And make light of it. Sometimes if you make light of it and say, Oh, you know, I've got the trash on, it's so heavy. I got it, you know. Oh, okay, yeah. And have fun with it. We don't we don't always have to go on on its own. That's true. That's good. That's a good point. We we don't always have to make it a battle.

SPEAKER_00 13:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:32

It doesn't always have to be warfare. Right. There's enough of that going on. Oh, yes. We we we don't need to live, it's already happening around us, but we don't need to live it in our homes or in our heart. Right. Yeah, that's that's good. Your your home should be a place of peace, yeah, a place of encouragement, a place of love.

SPEAKER_00 13:51

And laughter, like like it's the point you just made. If you're not laughing, you know, that and I'm sure if whoever's duty it was to take out the trash and and the other one did something like that, I'm sure they would jump out of their seats. Oh, oh, I forgot. Oh, I I got it, honey, I got it. And you know, yeah, that's that's a that's a good way. And the point too, that kind of counters the or um compliments what you're saying, speak softly.

unknown 14:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Not only make light of stuff with it, which you can, and it's very healthy to have humor in your relationship. That's a whole topic, too, but having humor in your relationship, but speaking softly.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

Speaking softly, speaking with intent, but having compassion in your words. You can't come off harsh and hard all the time. Right. There's a time and place uh for general communication, be soft.

SPEAKER_00 14:52

Right. You know, for instance, let's say let's say he's picking up the kids from daycare, and you want your partner to help and and on days that you have to work later, what have you, and say and it doesn't happen, or it hasn't been happening enough. And then you go out and saying, you know, I've asked you, you know, and your your voice is raised, I've asked you time and time, you know, I can't do it by myself, and I, you know, you never help me. You never, it's and again, the you attack. You never help me. You, you know, I'm always the one doing this. You never help me. You that that that won't work in a relationship. Again, speaking softly, making light, uh, maybe the maybe your partner forgot to pick up the kids. Right. And you call the daycare or the daycare, your kids are still here.

SPEAKER_02 15:42

Come and get your kids.

SPEAKER_00 15:43

Come and get your kids.

SPEAKER_02 15:44

I don't want them.

SPEAKER_00 15:45

And then you call, you know, you can call your uh uh, you can call your partner if you're still at work and say, uh, honey, they're gonna they're gonna take out children and and haul them off if you don't go get some again.

SPEAKER_03 15:58

I will tell you, and it's not just the kids. I don't know if you remember, I told you this story uh a couple months back.

SPEAKER_02 16:06

Husband and wife went to Walmart, she checked out and he's looking around in the tech section, she checks out and goes home. She forgot about her husband.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_02 16:20

That tickled me that's but they laughed about it. Yes, they were not upset, yeah. They laughed about it.

SPEAKER_00 16:27

Right. And and to prevent an argument, you don't blame. Yeah. Yeah, there's no no blaming. Again, it's about speaking softly, can you know, and tackling an issue in a in a grown-up way.

SPEAKER_02 16:43

Right. You know why relationships that are 25, 30, 40 years, 50 years is as they've grown, they've learned to communicate.

SPEAKER_00 16:55

Mm-hmm. Yes. And could because that's people don't understand how big a part that plays in any relationship.

SPEAKER_02 17:04

Talking. Yes. I always tell people uh if you look at a good relationship, I would say a good 60 to 70 percent of it is they laugh more together than they are.

SPEAKER_00 17:18

Yes, that's that holds a relationship like gloom, laughter. Because when you can laugh together, yes, even when and make each other laugh.

SPEAKER_02 17:29

Right. Even in your darkest times when things are down, you the there's not enough money, there's not food, and you can laugh together.

SPEAKER_00 17:38

And that's a solution together. Yeah. And if and here's another point, if emotions get too high, say for instance, you start a conversation and it's going out of hand, it's getting out of hand. Star. Just just just stop. You have to just take time to listen. Let's let's visit this another time. Uh I see you're not, it's we're not getting anywhere. So let's just come back when we're both call.

SPEAKER_01 18:08

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 18:09

Yeah. And then you have to validate your partner's feelings, even when you disagree with them. Again, uh using a scenario that uh we can go by the let's say the the the kids. If the partner said, Look, I I work late and I just need some help from you. And say, for instance, your partner may have a very stressful job as well, but just under you have to understand each other. You just have to understand each other's point of view and come to uh a civil agreement.

SPEAKER_02 18:50

Yeah, absolutely. And even if there is tension on one side, the other person should learn not to react. Right. Because that person may might if let's say they've had a crappy day at work.

SPEAKER_00 19:03

Right.

SPEAKER_02 19:04

They come in high strong and you say something, not mean or anything, you're just talking, and it just sets them off. Triggers triggers them. Something triggers them off, you know, the boss was yelling them or whatever. But if you react to that, then now it escalates. Right. That's where you need to just say to yourself, it's okay, he's had a bad day. Let me I'm gonna let him unwind. Right.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

There has to be a compromise, I think.

SPEAKER_02 19:30

It doesn't need to be, you don't, you have to learn to look. If you're not in tune with your partner, then something's wrong. Right. You two should be, as the time goes on, this is this is a time thing that is where you've been together a while and you start learning and and knowing how each other reacts, what are their good and their bad things, and what their telltale signs. When we're out, we've talked about this. When we're out and about, we love to people watch. Um because it also helps us. Right, right. And watching people when you're out also should help you in your relationship because you should be looking at people going, yeah, I don't want to be that. Right. Or look at that couple, look at them laughing and talking. Yes, you know, I want to be that. Right, right. And so always never take your relationship for granted. Communicate, communicate. Yes. You know, when you're looking for a location for your business, location, location, location. When you're looking to have a sexual, sexual, successful relationship, it should be communication, communication, communication.

SPEAKER_00 20:42

Right. I like that, I like that. And if you're wrong, admit it.

SPEAKER_02 20:47

Well, that's a tough one.

SPEAKER_00 20:48

Okay, yeah, again, we'll use the daycare situation scenario. Um, I'm always the one picking up the kids. I need help. You're right, you're right. I I I will help you, I will, I will get off work on time because I know your work requires you to be to to work late, only, or maybe you have a your shift requires you to work. I will step up and I I will help you, I will do that. So you you have to be willing to admit when you're wrong.

SPEAKER_02 21:22

There's nothing wrong with saying you're wrong.

SPEAKER_00 21:26

Right.

SPEAKER_02 21:26

Nothing. Because when a man or a woman, and I'm gonna speak from a man's perspective, when a man can admit he's wrong, he's just not elevated his status. Yes. Because look, it doesn't mean he's a simp. Right. It doesn't mean he's a punk, it doesn't mean he's he ain't a man. No. A real man knows when to apologize. Yes. And I'll give you a perfect example. The other day, a good friend of mine, um, we were having a conversation. I said something thing to something to him, and it was a little off, but I didn't think it was off. And he called me later and he said, I just want to let you know that, you know, we had this conversation and what you said, you know, was a little off for me. And I apologized. And like a real man. Like a real man. I apologized to him. I was like, dude, I am so sorry. I didn't realize I said it like that. I guess my tongue was off. And I apologize. Next day I went to his job. I bought him lunch and gave him a big hug. There's nothing wrong with apologizing. Because when you can step forward and acknowledge I made a mistake. Your shortcomings. That's huge. We all have shortcomings. And admitting that you have some shortcomings, when you admit it to you out loud, it lets people know you you're not perfect. Right. And lets people know that you are working on yourself because you acknowledge it. There's nothing wrong with that.

SPEAKER_00 23:02

No, not at all. Not at all. And look when you're having a conversation, it should be person to person.

SPEAKER_02 23:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 23:14

Not on the phone. Wait till wait till don't text, wait till your partner come home, and then you discuss whatever. Look at each other.

SPEAKER_02 23:25

Yes. And that's it. Yes. Can I just I I gotta cut in here. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Okay. This was uh yesterday's session. Well, I text him how I felt. When you text, there is no emotion. You I don't care how many emoji faces you put, angry faces, does it not express how you feel. Texting does not express clients if if you have to use technology to express yourself. I've started off this where she will make a video if she's upset about something, she'll make a video what she's gonna say, and then play it back and look at herself.

SPEAKER_01 24:13

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 24:14

Because when you're angry and you look back on that video yourself, this is what the person is gonna say. That's right. That's right. So in the heat of the moment, get your phone out and you sell it to the phone. That's good. That's good. Wow. Because when you do that, you're like, wow, damn, that's I'm scary. Right. You know, and when you see your emotions on high level, that makes you look at yourself and go, maybe I need to tone it down some. Maybe I need to bring it down a little. Right. And the other thing is, do not call each other out of your name. No, that's a big no-no. That is the worst thing. I I've sat there and listened to B, you're this, you're that. Yes. Stop it. Stop it, stop it, stop it. The moment that you start calling each other out their name and you keep doing it weeks, months, years, you have literally eroded away the relationship.

SPEAKER_00 25:22

Yes. And as you said, when it gets that heated, it couldn't turn physical, and you do not get that.

SPEAKER_02 25:28

Because the moment you start calling each other out you're not out the name. I I watched in a gas station the other day. And uh it was on the news, it was a gas station, and the guy said something, the guy behind said something, the back of, and before you know it, he's calling the guy uh the you know what? Next thing they're fighting. Yeah, that's because it escalates.

SPEAKER_00 25:54

It does, it does, and you don't want that in your relationship.

SPEAKER_02 25:57

So do not call each other a name. I don't care how much mad you are, but the moment you do that, you've lost. Yes, yes, and as you said, it enrolls the relationship. And when you do it for a long period of time, it becomes habit. Yes, and that toxifies the relationship, and it will never be the same.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

And intoxifies the whole hole. And we, you know, it uh it affects if there's children in that hole, it's gonna affect them. Absolutely so be careful with your communication. Uh, it's very important. And again, we say use eye-to-eye contact, yeah, not hand-to-hand contact.

SPEAKER_02 26:38

Neither one of you are ninjas. So just keep eye-to-eye contact.

SPEAKER_00 26:44

Right. And and again, think about the whole, we're gonna leave this with think about the whole household and the children that are watching. So, and you know, we we love the babies. We love we love the babies. Even if you don't have kids. Right, well, of course.

SPEAKER_02 27:00

And there's an article that I I I read. Even if you don't have kids, they did a study with houseplants talking angrily, talking like I was all I'm sitting there, wow, even houseplants were happening. Yes, there's a yes, there was a study. Right. So if you're talking bad in the home, it affects everything from your houseplants down to your cat. Any living thing.

SPEAKER_00 27:26

Any living thing, right?

SPEAKER_02 27:27

Because it's a negative. Yes. Fill your whole, your life with positive. Yes, yeah. And if you're if you've met someone or you're dating someone and it's a negative energy, it's not for you. Right. Move on, close the door.

SPEAKER_03 27:47

That seems to be the the I remember at the meeting group we had the people like, close the door. Yeah, yes.

SPEAKER_00 27:56

Oh goodness. So we're gonna we're gonna leave you with this, with this thought. Professor, thank you so much for your input. It it's it's very meaningful. Very meaningful. Meaningful. So bridging the communication gap in a relationship isn't about winning arguments or proving a point. It's about understanding each other on a deeper level. When couples learn to slow down, truly listen, and express their thoughts with honesty and respect, they begin to replace frustration with connection. Every relationship will experience moments where communication breaks down, for sure. But what matters most is the willingness of both partners to come back to the conversation with openness, patience, and empathy. Strong communication isn't about being perfect. It's about the word you used earlier, Professor, it's about being intentional. When couples focus on understanding rather than reacting, they create space for trust, emotional safety, and real connection to grow. And over time, that commitment to better communication can transform challenges into opportunities to strengthen the relationship.

SPEAKER_02 29:18

Amen. Yes, yes, speak with love.

SPEAKER_00 29:21

Yes, yes. So, Professor, you have any last words?

SPEAKER_02 29:27

So these podcasts that we do we hope they help you. Yes. It's not about us being famous or anything. We we want to help people, and these podcasts are designed to put the seed in you to think about the things that you do in a relationship. Yes. And those seeds we plant in you, we hope that you'll continue to water them and for them to grow and for you to be successful in a relationship. Yes. But always speak with love, kindness, intention, because we want you to have the best relationship possible.

SPEAKER_00 30:12

Yes. Thank you, Professor. That's good. And if today's conversation resonated with you, remember that strong relationships don't just happen, they're built with awareness, communication, and the courage to grow together. And if you enjoy this episode, make sure you to follow the podcast so you don't miss future conversations about dating, relationships, emotional growth, and building deeper connection. And if you know someone who might benefit from today's topic, share this episode with them. And you can find us at relationship coaching group dot com. And until next time, speak your needs clearly, listen without interrupting, and remember, you're not alone. And together, we got this.

SPEAKER_01 31:02

We got you.