Outside Relationship Influences

Every relationship exists within a larger circle of influences, in-laws, other family members, friends, cultural expectations. While some outside perspectives can offer support, others can quietly create pressure, confusion, or conflict between partners.

In this episode, you'll learn how to recognize when outside opinions are helping versus when they may be interfering, how to establish healthy boundaries with others, and how couples can stay united while still respecting the people around them.

Healthy relationships thrive when partners prioritize their connection and make decisions based on their shared values, not outside pressures.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:10

Welcome to Relationship Coaching Group Podcast. Whether this is your first visit or you've been following us, don't forget to download this podcast to reference later, because here we keep it real with scenarios, tips, and suggestions. Everything relationship-centered. Hello, I'm Roxanne, your relationship coach and host, along with my co-host, the professor. Together we've been coaching couples and singles for over 20 years, and we're here now to work with you. So get ready for today's podcast because we're going to be talking about outside relationship influences. Yeah, and before we start, I want to introduce you to the professor. Hello, Professor.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Hello, hello, hello. Hello to our listeners. Thank you for joining us. And um this is Oh, goodness. This is a blue topic.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

This is huge, Professor. Yeah, I think this is gonna be a multi-part because Yes. Why not? Yeah, we may have Oh you pick 'em, don't you?

SPEAKER_02 1:24

Well, because of the clients issues, we're able to come on and and present it and maybe help someone else.

SPEAKER_01 1:33

And just a little bit here, even though we talk about these clients, we don't mention any names. We um there's nowhere to find out or know who they are.

SPEAKER_02 1:47

And if anybody have any stimulants of what what we discuss about our clients, uh that's just a coincidence.

SPEAKER_01 1:54

Yeah, this is just to help you so that if you're in a similar situation, we hope that these podcasts that we do will help somebody. Yes. Because that's our goal is to help you and to educate you, because we want you to have a wonderful, loving, successful.

SPEAKER_02 2:13

Yes, yes, yes. And as you said before, uh Professor, that relationship shouldn't be what did you say, relationship shouldn't be a struggle. It shouldn't be difficult, it should be joyful.

SPEAKER_01 2:24

Yeah, it shouldn't be torture to be in, yeah, but a joy to be in. It should be a joy within a relationship. A relationship is work because you have to work at it consciously to keep it fresh, alive, to keep it honest, to keep it real.

SPEAKER_02 2:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 2:39

But when you allow the outside influences, yes, and that's where we're gonna dive into.

SPEAKER_02 2:46

And I have a question. I'm gonna start I'm gonna start this out with a question. Have you ever felt like your relationship isn't just between the two of you? Maybe it's a a parent with strong opinions, or an in-law who who always has advice, or friends who think they know what's best for your relationship. And you know, Professor?

SPEAKER_01 3:09

Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna tell them myself a little bit here. Yeah, I'm gonna tell them myself. Tell it, tell it. So when I was a young man. And that was a long time ago, wasn't it? Really?

SPEAKER_02 3:23

Okay, just just a little fun.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

Really? Just too key.

SPEAKER_02 3:33

I'm sure, I'm sure I'm gonna get an earful after this podcast.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

So uh quite a while ago, I was a very young man, and I started dating this girl, and my mom tried to put herself in the middle, and it calls a riff between my mom. Yes. But my father said he needs to learn by himself. He can't be there all the time. Right. So I had the pressure of my mom telling me all these things and the pressure of trying to make this relationship work. Yeah, my mom was right.

SPEAKER_02 4:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:19

But I don't need to learn that much.

SPEAKER_02 4:21

Exactly, exactly. And that happens so much.

SPEAKER_01 4:25

Sometimes parents, even though they mean well and they want the best for you, sometimes they only see the outside of that person, not the inside.

SPEAKER_02 4:36

Right.

SPEAKER_01 4:37

So sometimes family can be put too much on you.

SPEAKER_02 4:42

Right. And as you said, sometimes you just need to find out for yourself. Sometimes it's best because they could be right, they could be wrong about that person. And the truth is, many couples aren't just navigating their relationship, they're steering through everyone else's expectations of their relationship, also. Just like what you went through. You had to steer through that relationship because of what uh the advice that your mom was giving you, but you had to steer through it for yourself. Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:15

Yes. So just excuse my chair because it's a little speaking. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:20

Okay. Well, in today's episode, we're going to be talking about the external pressures that couples face from family, in-laws, and friends, and how to protect your relationship without starting a war. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:36

Oh my gosh. Yeah. When you get when you're in a relationship, people can be, your outside forces can be very overbearing. Yes. From friends. Let's let's let's let's start with family. So you get, you meet somebody, you're dating, and your family hasn't even met that person yet, but is already saying, because you may have shared too much with your family. Right. So, oh, she's real nice, but I don't like what this she does or he does. You're you're saying too much about your relationship, and you're always pointing out the negative.

SPEAKER_02 6:17

Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:17

So now what happens is that your family members picks up on those negatives.

SPEAKER_02 6:21

Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:22

Yeah. And are trying to protect you.

SPEAKER_02 6:24

Right. Right. And it's family pressure, in-law interference, and fair-withered friends. Let's get into it. Let's do it. We're going to start with uh the expectations from in-laws. You know how in-laws on during holidays, family time, uh, living arrangements are telling you how to raise your children, all these things, because I I know couples, if they're if both their parents or family is in the same city or or near or nearby, you may be an hour or two away from each other, come Christmas. They have to they have to do Christmas Eve with one and Christmas Day with the other.

SPEAKER_01 7:08

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:09

A lot of that.

SPEAKER_01 7:11

A lot of that goes on. So the the you have both sides trying to pull you each way. Right, right. The trick to that is not going to both, trying to divide yourself and spend little time getting them all together and saying, let's do a big pot lock or a big Christmas thing. Right. So one year you go to this uh family member, next one you go to the back to them.

SPEAKER_02 7:41

That that's a that's a good that's the easiest way. Especially if if both sides of the parents get along.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

Right.

SPEAKER_02 7:47

Now you don't have to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_01 7:48

If they don't get along, that's a different story. But assuming that you get along, then you have to handle it like that.

SPEAKER_02 7:55

Yeah, because they want their family top.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

Right.

SPEAKER_02 7:59

So you have to divide yourself, which Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 8:03

And the It works out for some. It works for some, but again, you have to look at your kids. Right. They see all this.

SPEAKER_02 8:13

Yeah. But I like I like what you said about in the if say for instance the couple and their their children live outside the state or so far away, hours and hours away, that uh one family group can set them um or they can work together and and every year come together as and it's like a little reunion with you know with the children, grandchildren, and both of the parents are there. But yeah, that's that's kind of hard. And living arrangements. Sometimes you have in-laws saying, Oh, come stay with us so you can save money to buy a house.

SPEAKER_01 8:53

Right.

SPEAKER_02 8:53

And that's you know, it's kind of controlling because they may feel that the spouse, whether it's a man or or the the the wife can't live with your fam your family. Yeah, they they may feel, well, you know, your husband can't save money if for you know to get to get my my my child a house. Right, you know, with the two with the two children, it just hyperbole.

SPEAKER_01 9:17

I'm gonna jump on that because that that we've we've had a couple of cases where they've got married and the parents have convinced them to come stay with whichever party of the family, come stay with them, get yourself on your feet, get out. I'm sorry, you shouldn't be getting married if you're not ready. You shouldn't you should be living your separate until when you are financially ready to get married. But people are so quick to run and get married and then live with their parents.

SPEAKER_02 9:48

Especially when they're young.

SPEAKER_01 9:50

Yes. They want to get married so badly. They want to get married so bad they can't afford, they can only afford in the studio. Yeah, and that's when the marriage ends.

SPEAKER_02 9:59

Because it's not comfortable maybe for the for the outside spouse.

SPEAKER_01 10:05

Because the the parent the parents of where you're living at are used to living a certain way. Now you're married to this girl or guy and they don't live how your parents live. They might leave stuff in the sink, you know, they may leave hair in the in the bathroom. Or you might not wash dishes. Right. So so you know, there's all these things that come into play.

SPEAKER_02 10:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:30

If you're not financially ready to be married, don't get married.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

Don't get married. And I here's a little takeaway. When a problem come up when one of you or one partner feel they have to choose a position between their partner or parent. That's a problem.

SPEAKER_01 10:49

That is a big problem. And it's really hard because when a parent involves themselves in a relationship because you have parents and children who are very close together. And you'll find that they will put their mother or their father or wherever it may be over their significant other. Oh, yeah. Especially in a marriage.

SPEAKER_02 11:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:15

What does it say in the Bible when you get married?

SPEAKER_02 11:18

That you have you have to cling to your spouse and leave your mother and father, leave your parent, leave your mother and father.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

But see, and that's when the parents need to learn this is where you cut off. And now your your role is of parents and grandparents that are outside. Right. You don't interfere with what they have going on. Let them fight their own. But a lot of parents, it's hard for them to do. That's my baby. I gotta protect my baby. Yeah. But your baby's not learning anything because you keep taking a shield up and trying to protect them.

SPEAKER_02 11:58

Oh yes, exactly. And what about family opinions about your relationship? You know, you have family that are that are question your partner's job. They'll have uh they might even compare your relationship to other family members' relationship. Well, John and Mary, they bought this big house and they because John has this fabulous job. Mary, you know, has this great position, corporate position. And you and you you don't, you know, when are you guys gonna step up? When is your husband gonna step up? When is your wife gonna step up? So that's yeah, that makes it hard.

SPEAKER_01 12:41

Because I've always, you know, as I've got older, I told my parents less and less about who I'm dating. I actually stopped introducing girlfriends a long time ago. And I never taught negative about anyone I'm dating to my family. Right. I always said about all the fun things we did. Because the moment that you start speaking negative, oh goodness, yeah, they'll take that and run with it. They take it and run with it. Because you've gone over there to vent. You know, mom, dad, uh, uh, uh, um, they don't do this and they don't do that, and I don't think he loves me. Everything's negative. Oh, really? Because they never talk about, oh my gosh, mom, he took me out to this wonderful dinner, oh my gosh, and he when we flip they don't talk about it, they talk about it because they want to vent.

SPEAKER_02 13:35

Right. And we talked about in one of the the podcasts about keeping your private life private.

SPEAKER_01 13:41

Yes. You know, not going to the family room. Share with anyone. I whatever business I'm doing or anything like that, I never share with anybody. Yeah. Because there's always people on the outside that try to chop it down around. Yeah, traveling. Or I remember the first time that we went to to travel. And people, why?

SPEAKER_02 14:05

Mm-hmm. Why? Right, right. Yeah. What what do you want to do over there? Yeah, you know. And here's a takeaway. Family concerns sometimes come from love and protection, but they can still cause stress.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

Yeah. More than stress. Make you want to pull your hair around and go both.

SPEAKER_02 14:25

Now, what about friends? Is it we're gonna kind of run through this because these are top this is the topic.

SPEAKER_01 14:32

We're just we're just touching on this because we're gonna be just kind of want to give you some tips and tips and just to get you going, plant the seed, what you're trying to plant the seed right now, because there's more to come.

SPEAKER_02 14:40

Right. And of course, you know, they can always I think so.

SPEAKER_01 14:44

On the male side, you're always gonna have on the male side, male friends, you're always gonna have those that are gonna speak very strongly about the person you're with, because one, they're not in a relationship themselves, or they're jealous of what you have.

SPEAKER_02 15:03

You're you're t you're touching on uh your list. Yeah, yeah, but that's okay. That's okay. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 15:10

Yes. There, and you know, a lot of people don't realize that your friends can be jealous of what you have. Or they don't have a relationship themselves. Professor. I know. I'm sorry. I hit I'm I'm cut and crossing your line. But that's that's what we're we're on the same. We're on the same page. But here's the kicker. And when you have people that hang out together and one finds a relationship and another finds a relationship, and you're down to two people or one person, and you keep they keep going to all these weddings, resentment starts kicking in. Wow, yeah. Why I'm them, why not me? Right, right. So why don't you come and hang out and have a beer with me or come to go to a girl's night out? Yep. Well, I'm married, I'm with my so, so, right, and then that outside pressure and it causes conflict. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 16:06

They listen, friends, my my little my little pointers are friends may encourage breakups after an argument, even a small argument, because they may be jealous.

SPEAKER_00 16:19

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 16:20

See? Just what you said, and they may not like your partner. Or they're single and they want you to be single.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

These are kind of Do you rem I don't know if you remember this. It's about three years ago, we were gone to a get together and had a bomb with some other friends. Do you remember when someone we know was at the bomb was taken to a a girl and her friend came over and said, Don't talk to him. He's not your type. Do you remember that? Yes, yes, because she she was just, she wanted him. She she wanted him. And then when the girl went to the bathroom, her friend slipped this guy her phone number. Mm-hmm. You remember? Yes, yes. And but that just shows. Yeah. Because I I tapped you and I was like, she just slipped his phone number. And you were like, what? Yeah, yeah. And we're watching his unfold. Yes, yes. So friends may be your friend to a point, but if they feel like you're getting more or have more than them, that's when it can be a problem.

SPEAKER_02 17:36

Exactly. Kind of dealing the show, but friends might say, You've changed since you've had a boyfriend or girlfriend. You've changed, you're not the same. Just see, and then or we don't go out anymore, kind of what you were saying. You don't have time for me anymore. And then they'll uh tease you about your relationship.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:02

They'll they'll they'll tease you, you know. What do you see in him? Right. You know, why do you have to why you why do you have to be together so much?

SPEAKER_01 18:10

If you're happy, they are not gonna like it. You're gonna have friends that they don't want you to be happy because they're not happy. Right. You heard the old saying, misery love coming?

SPEAKER_02 18:21

Yes, yes, yes, yes. And the takeaway for this, um, you have any more pointers on this? The takeaway for this is friends should support your relationship, not compete with it. Right, Professor? They should say that again, they say that again. Friends should support your relationship, not compete with it.

SPEAKER_01 18:44

Yes. That's oh my gosh. Yeah. We we need to make a bumper sticker for that. Yes. Because that that is so true. We have you we uh we value friendship.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 18:59

But what happens is is that when you've been with a friend for a long time and you've been single and you do so much together, and then you find someone, that friend could become we're not saying it is happens all the time, but it happens a lot. Yeah, and that friend becomes resentful.

SPEAKER_02 19:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 19:20

We did a podcast on catfishing. Uh sometimes that friend is the one that is catfishing with you and trying to steal you away from someone else or trying to cause problems. Yes. Because they don't want to see you happy, exactly. Yeah, I'm gonna do it. So you know, friends are great, and trust me, I've got a ride-a-dy friend. We've been friends since school.

SPEAKER_02 19:48

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 19:49

You know, that's a long time. That's it. What's that mean? That's a long time. Whoa, we we've got to have a conversation. But we've been friends for a long time.

SPEAKER_00 20:00

Yeah, that's good.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

Yeah. When I when I didn't have food in my fridge, he came over and put food in my fridge. Oh, sweet. So that's a friend. That's a friend. And he would never do anything to come between me and a relationship. But you have friends who are the opposite. Yes. That will not be there for you. A friend should be there to help you pick up the pieces. Right. Because you have if you don't learn from your relationship, then it doesn't prepare you for the next one, the one that you're meant to have. Right. We go through relationships in order for us to learn about ourselves and and what we don't want. Right. So that it prepares us for what's coming. Sure.

SPEAKER_02 20:43

So looking back, uh, family should be supportive.

SPEAKER_01 20:48

Yes. And and don't go venting to your family for all the negative stuff they don't do.

SPEAKER_02 20:54

Right, right. And in-laws should not interfere with the way you raise your children, where you're living, how you're living. I think just like family, in-laws should be supportive. You know, they support where they where they can.

SPEAKER_01 21:10

The the statistics show that this generation uh generation hates how they were raised.

SPEAKER_02 21:19

Really?

SPEAKER_01 21:20

Like kids who were raised and they, you know, they were spanked or got hit with a belt or whatever, they refuse to spank their kids.

SPEAKER_02 21:29

But it but they turned out great.

SPEAKER_01 21:32

But they turn they've turned out great, but they they have resented how they were raised. Got it. Yeah. So they don't they don't do those things with their kids.

SPEAKER_02 21:42

And then you have loose loose children, loose cannons uh out about in society. We but without discipline, that's meaningful.

SPEAKER_01 21:52

There has to be some but has to be measurable. Sure. You know, I'm not talking about, you know, beating the hell out of your kids. That's not what we're talking about.

SPEAKER_02 22:00

Because back in the day they make you go get the switch so they could quickly with this.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

But what we're saying is is that be mindful of who you tell your story to. Right. Because that story could be used against to hurt you and your family.

SPEAKER_02 22:15

And that's where one of our uh another podcast about communication. If you're having issues with your spouse or significant other, that's where you too sit down and communicate the issue so that you can resolve it together. Yes. Not involve mom or dad or uh and then some uh some spouses some some will say, oh, he's a mama's boy because he'll run to mom about everything, or sh her her family's too too much in our business. Right. So yeah, that's where communicate, you got to be able to communicate to solve issues. Absolutely. Putting it out there is not gonna solve it.

SPEAKER_01 22:57

It just causes a lot of commotion. If you can't communicate, then you need to find a coach, someone that can communicate you can help commun help you to communicate.

SPEAKER_02 23:09

Right.

SPEAKER_01 23:09

You know, we're we're you if you've listened to a podcast, we never say, you know, we're the ones that come to we're not that type. Just get help. Just get help because we want you your relationship to survive because the the numbers are climbing high of relationships that don't succeed. Marriage rate, divorce rate is growing massively. We don't want you to be one of those statistics.

SPEAKER_02 23:36

We want your relationship to be joyful, not painful. Like joyful, not painful. So we um so yeah, so friends, family, and and in-laws, they should be supportive, they should rally around your relationship to just be mindful of what you say and do not speak negatively about your partner. Right, right. So in closing, here's what I want to leave with them, Professor. When the partnership is strong, outside pressure or influences have much less impact. When the partnership is strong, outside voices will always exist in relationships. It'll always be there. But the healthiest couples understand that while family, friends, and in-laws can offer support, the relationship itself must remain the focus and priority. At the end of the day, a strong partnership is built on two people choosing each other, not everyone else choosing for the two of you.

SPEAKER_00 24:46

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 24:47

So I have a question for the listeners, Professor. And they can leave the their answers in in the comment section uh or go in on the our website and leave it there. But here's the question for you listeners Have you ever experienced outside pressure in your relationship and how did you handle it?

SPEAKER_01 25:09

That's good.

SPEAKER_02 25:10

Yeah. Yeah. So, Professor Lazwords.

SPEAKER_01 25:14

Again, in your relationships, be mindful of who you let into your relationship and what you share. Yes, yes. A successful man or woman does not share everything what they're gonna do. I know social media is there and you put everything out there, but trust me, it's it's good for little tidbits and stuff, but you should never share your whole story.

SPEAKER_02 25:42

Yes, the private, your private issues, your personal issues, and all that stuff to yourself.

SPEAKER_01 25:48

Communicate, learn to communicate. Yes, communication is we say all the time, literally every podcast, communicate, communicate, communicate. Yes. Because we at the end of the day, you don't want the outside influences in your business your financial business, in your work business, in your life business, in your marriage business. Right. Anything that goes on, you should be tackling it head on together, communicate together with passion, with love and respect.

SPEAKER_02 26:18

And if if it that's difficult to do, then that's where coaching and counseling come in.

SPEAKER_01 26:27

Get some help.

SPEAKER_02 26:28

Get some help. So thank you, Professor, appreciate that. And if today's conversation resonated with you, remember that strong relationships don't just happen, they're built with awareness, communication, and the courage to grow together. And if you enjoyed this episode, make sure you follow the podcast so you don't miss future conversations about dating, relationships, emotional growth, and building deeper connection. And if you know someone who might benefit from today's topic, share this episode with them. And you can find us always at relationshipcoachinggroup.com, where you have a plethora of information there and how to reach and how to connect with us. And until next time, speak your needs clearly, listen without interrupting, and remember you're not alone. Together, we got this.

SPEAKER_01 27:26

We got you.