Questions From Our Listeners

Tired of feeling like you and your partner are speaking different languages?  Welcome to "Questions From Our Listeners", the podcast where we dive into real-life relationship dilemmas couples actually face.  We've taken anonymous questions and break them down with honest tips and suggestions---real answers for real relationships. Subscribe to get your question answered.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:13

Welcome to Relationship Coaching Group Podcast. Whether this is your first visit or you've been following us, don't forget to download this podcast to reference later, because here we keep it real with scenarios, tips, and suggestions, everything relationship-centered. Hello, I'm Roxanne, your relationship coach and host, along with my co-host, the professor. Together we've been coaching couples and singles for over 20 years, and now we're here to work with you. So get ready for today's podcast, because we're going to be doing something a little bit different. We're going to I want to first introduce the Professor. Welcome, Professor.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

Well, welcome, welcome, welcome. Um first I want to I'm not gonna bore the our listeners with the details, but um this session comes to you late, uh unfortunately due to travel and uh all what's going on in the world. And I'm sure you've all heard that airports are busy and delays everywhere, so we're uh we're a tad behind schedule.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

But we're here now.

SPEAKER_01 1:33

But we're here now.

SPEAKER_00 1:34

We are here.

SPEAKER_01 1:34

So I'm very curious to know what we're doing today.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Well, we're doing something, as I said, a little differently. We're going to be asking, uh answering questions that our listeners have brought to our attention. Okay, I like it. Yes, yes, we uh and we thank all you listeners for uh sharing with us. We we get people sharing uh experiences with their relationships, and we get listeners asking questions about their relationships. So we're glad to have any any comment, anything that you you guys want to present to us, we're here.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

And just so you all know, we do answer every email message that is sent to us. We answer everyone. And we do that on purpose because we know that some of these questions that people ask may be trivial to others, but it's important to them. So we want to make sure that we answer all the questions and make sure we can help as many people as we can.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

And we're bringing up some of the questions, but we're there's no names behind it.

SPEAKER_01 2:55

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

Because we think that it will help others. Yes. Because we know that if if one person is going through something, uh a hundred thousand more are going dealing with the same thing. So uh we just we just thank you. And as I said, if we do put your question on air, uh it's there's no reference.

SPEAKER_01 3:18

Yes, we never use any type. Yeah, we never use where you live, your name, nothing.

SPEAKER_00 3:23

Nothing. We just we just pose the questions because it again, we want to help not only you, but we want to help others who are going through the same thing.

SPEAKER_01 3:34

People don't understand that things that you go through. You're not alone. You're not alone. There are thousands of people in this world that are going through the same thing. Exactly. And we we just met a lady in the cab the other day, and um we were shocked to hear her say that she doesn't have anyone because she's ugly. In fact, that's how she looks and she was an ugly, and she was definitely not fat. She was a pretty young lady, and she wasn't fat. But unfortunately, that you know, it resonates with us because this is not the first time we hear this. So we want you to know that we give help everywhere. And we sat with her in the cab for a good 30 minutes after we got to our destination. And um, and you know, your girl here, she she I got out and left her, let her do her thing and spoke with her, and I saw some tears going on, but I know that little bit of help gave her a little bit more courage.

SPEAKER_00 4:46

Yeah, good job on that. You welcome it. Thank you. Thank you. Well, listen, we're gonna start with our our first situation, and I'm gonna read it as it was written.

SPEAKER_01 4:58

Okay. With no name.

SPEAKER_00 5:00

No name. All right. This listener says, I'm not very affectionate. I didn't grow up with hugs or good job or I love you. So how do I show my significant other love without words because I'm not that good at words. Wow. Now we have two perspectives.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 5:24

Yeah. I w there's so many different ways, and we're gonna share from a woman's perspective and from the male.

SPEAKER_01 5:32

So ladies first, please go.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Because my co-host has a whole different different view on this. But I would there's of course the simple way that we as as as ladies, now I don't know, and and I'm not even saying if this is a man or woman because it could be on either side. But if it's from a if it if this question is from a man and is asking, I would say start off with flowers. Flowers always brighten up. And men love flowers too. So even if it's this is a a woman asking this uh is in this situation, men love flowers. I know men who love receiving flowers from their wives or significant others, and they brag about it when the flowers are into the office. They they love it. So I would start with flowers for one. I'll give more, but I'm gonna let my co-hosts chime in.

SPEAKER_01 6:37

Okay. Flowers is okay. Flowers is good. But my first question would be have you discussed that with your partner? Have you told your partner what you've been through as a as a young person, as a child, that you were never really hard to were never really showing a whole lot of love? You had nothing to go by. You need to express that with your partner since your own partner will understand why.

SPEAKER_00 7:08

Right. And that's all good. But let's just play on how would you show love without words?

SPEAKER_01 7:15

Oh, uh, are we gonna have a fight here? Because you know this is this is near and dear to me.

SPEAKER_00 7:20

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're gonna have a fight.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

Oh, this is awesome. Okay, here we go. So I think the little things like flowers is good, but I think the little things, and I'm gonna give you from a male perspective. I'm a guy, and let's say um I like um a certain beer or uh a video game or whatever, give me a gift card to go and get something that I like or buy for me. If you know that I, let's say uh I liked um seat covers, these seat covers I've been looking for in my car, and you you know, get the seat covers or something. It doesn't have to be expensive.

SPEAKER_00 8:03

So you're saying listen to some of the things that your partner, your partner like, and then go out and surprise them with whatever it is.

SPEAKER_01 8:15

And I'm I'm not saying go buy the Gucci bag and and all that stuff. That's not what I'm saying. Little things to me mean more than buying me something big, a one-time big thing. I prefer the little things, and a lot of women are like that. They like the little things, surprise them with the little things.

SPEAKER_00 8:33

Well, some women like diamonds.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

Yeah, but no, no, man can afford diamonds. Um but I I think the little things go a long way. Yeah, it does. And with that little thing, even just a little um hug or a little kiss, having those little things between you that you just do for your partner, like a a kiss on the forehead, you know, or um something that is personal to them, that little intimate thing that is just between them. Those little things go a long way.

SPEAKER_00 9:16

Yeah, they do. And speaking of doing something simple and say you're you're off on you're both off on on a weekend or a weekday, whatever it is, surprising that significant other with having everything for a little a little outing, a little picnic, going to a park and just just sitting there and chatting, or just saying, look, I'm taking you for ice cream. And just something very simple. Let's go for ice cream, just out of the blue. These little gestures show that you care, show that you want a little special time with with your significant other. That's love.

SPEAKER_01 10:04

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

That is that is love. Special moments.

SPEAKER_01 10:09

It's not always the physical touch, the hugging all the time, the cuddling. Because not everybody is that way. So you make up it make up for it in other ways.

SPEAKER_00 10:21

Sure. Sure. So little things. Listen for little clues that you can maybe brighten up that that person with and doing doing making little gestures.

SPEAKER_01 10:36

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 10:37

Bringing flowers or a special little quick date, spontaneous date. Those are those are really nice gestures.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

Yes. But it doesn't and and again I want to err it that it doesn't have to be expensive.

SPEAKER_00 10:52

Right.

SPEAKER_01 10:52

You know, and we're not talking about buying the new broken bag and all that stuff. That's not what we're talking about. It's the little things that make the difference. And I'll give you an example. My partner, she had a coffee cup at work. She loved the coffee cup, but it got broken. So I know what the coffee cup was and what it had on it. I went and had another coffee cup done with the everything on it. I ordered it online and I surprised her with it. Nice. See now that's the little stuff. Yeah, yes. It's the little things. And because you because if you listen, you heard it, you heard that it was upsetting, but you did something to fix it, but it was didn't cost any hardly anything. So it's those little things that go a long way.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

It does, it does. And if you have any suggestions with this question, shoot us. Yes. Bring it on. Okay. All right, here's the next situation that someone uh wrote into us. I fall in love fast, and it always seemed to end just as fast. My question is, how do I keep love alive long term? Yeah, that's um that this is gonna take a little effort because first of all, you really need before you say you're falling in love with someone, you really need to know them. And that takes time. So you really need to give uh a growing relationship to see where it goes before you saying, I'm in love. Because a lot of times nowadays you're on your third date and oh, I'm gonna marry this person. I'm in love. I've never felt this before. No, you need to give relationship. It's still an old this the old saying, you know, love takes time.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

When I hear people say that, it's not love, it's infatuation. Lust. You're lusting for this person. You you're like, oh, googly eyes, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh, ooh, no, give it time. And you know, I I've said this to clients for male and female. Don't give up the gift so quickly. Yeah. Or if I have to spell it out, don't jump in the bed so quick, don't knock boots so quick, don't give up the cookie so quick. Don't be so quick to get in the bed. Because the moment you do that, for a woman, you get more emotionally attached. So keep the intimacy level low. And then that way you can have time to see more who this person is.

SPEAKER_00 13:52

If you're looking for a long-term relationship, long-term relationship, then yes, you really have to take it slow to see where it's going, to see if you guys are compatible. It takes time to you to learn and to get to see where the other person's head is.

SPEAKER_01 14:12

You know, I I have to say this: that a lot of people throw the love word around and really they they they hold on to that word. I love him, I love her, I'm in love. No, you're you like the feeling, you're you like the emotion, you like the the the context of what's happening. And so that you think is love. Love is way more than that. Oh, yes, definitely. It's way deeper than that. It's very, very deep. And so, you know, I tell tell people when you meet someone, um I know both of us have counsel that's given uh coaching to so many couples that have met. It's hot, fast, wild. They're in they think they're in love. Three weeks later they get married, and three months down the road they're already talking about divorce. Yeah, it's so you have to get to know the person. Yes. We've said this in in other podcasts where first you gotta learn to love yourself first. Know who you are and what you want out of a relationship, and don't just settle in. Again, we're not talking about how much money they got and and can they take care of you and all that stuff. You know, we're talking about a real couple that are looking for real things, and it has to be a mutual thing, right?

SPEAKER_00 15:44

And you know, the the the first year is really the getting to know each other stage. Well, at least it's like the honeymoon phase. Yes. The second year is is really when you start to see the little quirks and the the little um things that maybe may annoy you.

SPEAKER_01 16:06

We we've heard other coaches and stuff say, oh, six months you should be talking about marriage. Some individuals are ready for that. Well, not everybody. And I want to make that clear. Some relationships are gonna take time because those people that can pull it off in six months and be together and stay together are more uh what's the word? Uh more um I'll come brain dead here, morally mature, more mature. They know what they're looking for.

SPEAKER_00 16:41

And even sometimes that does we we've we've got to do it.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

But the times that it does work, they're a lot more um in tuned and more of what they want. For a good majority of people, you it you want to have a by six months, you need to know whether this is a real the three to six months, you need to know if this is actually you are having a relationship.

SPEAKER_00 17:12

If it's gonna continue. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

And if it's not, let it go. And we've said this before, close the dang door and move on.

SPEAKER_00 17:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:20

And then if it is going on, then you need to have these uh discussions on where you what do you want from both of this.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

Right. That's why I said the the the first year, it's like the honeymoon phase. You get to answer and ask a lot of questions, you get to basically see how the other the other party lives, how they think, and you uh all that can take place in a year. And the second year is really when you really see if this is something that is working.

SPEAKER_01 17:57

Because times have changed. People have careers. Yes. People are working on their own thing, they've got jobs, so a lot more independence. Yes, life gets in the way. It's different from way back when people would get married, be together for 50 years. Those days are going. What you got?

SPEAKER_00 18:18

Yeah, okay. I this this one is a a little bit lengthy then lengthy. Okay, it says it starts out. I love my boyfriend. We've been dating for four years, and in the past three years, we've broken up seven times, and he's had two babies born four months apart with two females. Well, I don't like the word females, two with two women. He comes back to me saying he loves me and wants me to forgive him because they were we were on a break. But that's what he says. My question is, why does my boyfriend come back to me after being with other women when he's done with them?

SPEAKER_01 19:04

Oh you know I'm okay. So I'm gonna answer this, and I'm gonna be as nice as well.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

You wanna you wanna you wanna start it?

SPEAKER_01 19:11

I'm gonna start it. All right, go ahead. The reason why he keeps coming back to you is because you let him. Well, definitely. I'm not sure. You it's it's this this is and this is not the first time I've heard this. No, it happens a lot. It happens a lot. You allow it. You allow him to come back, and then you give it up. And so he keeps coming back and breaking up with you, comes back breaking up with you because you allow it and you give him what he wants because you think he's going to stay. He's always pro he's proved to you that he's not going to stay. You are the you're the backup plan. When it fails with someone else, he comes back to you and to himself.

SPEAKER_00 19:58

Because he knows that you're gonna be available. So he can go out and do his thing, have his fun, and when when that shuts down, then he knows that he has a safe place to come, and that's you. So you This is where low self-esteem comes. Yeah. You've got you've got to build yourself up, knowing that you're you're worth more than that.

SPEAKER_01 20:27

Way more.

SPEAKER_00 20:28

You are more valuable than being a doormat.

SPEAKER_01 20:32

Stop being that doormat and when and if you have kids, do they have kids together?

SPEAKER_00 20:38

They didn't say.

SPEAKER_01 20:39

Well, if you have kids together, obviously you gotta have that communication for the kids. If you don't have kids together, close the door, lock it, bolt it, weld it shut, and tell them it's over. Tell them let go of your number, don't call you no more, and move on. You're not a doormat, you're not his servant, you're not his slave. Close it out. Because that's all he is he's using you for as the backup. You're the backup booty, you're the backup girl. Because when s someone else has called him on his bull, then he comes back to you.

SPEAKER_00 21:13

And it it's almost like you you're tr treating yourself as leftovers. Yeah. You know how w you go to a restaurant and you have you have food left over, and you m it might be in there two days before you get to it. Uh he goes out and he does his thing, and he's coming coming back to He's leftovers. And you you don't want to be considered leftovers. You're more more than that.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

Can I let's reach out to her because we did send her an email. Let's reach out to her again because we we need to to reach out to her again and and see if we can try and help her some more.

SPEAKER_00 21:56

Yeah, we we've worked with with this person before. Yeah. Um Um but this goes out to because this happens a lot. I hear I hear a lot of that from clients that it's a breakup makeup, breakup makeup. And usually nine times out of ten, I want to say, I really want to say 100% when when it's off and on, off and on, it eventually it there's an off, a total off, and it may not end very well. But you can't keep op keeping that door open just for someone to come in and use you until they find something sparkly outside that they want to go and check out. And then when the spark is when the spark dies out, uh your door is open. So I'm coming, I'm coming back to you. So you just have to have enough self-esteem, enough self-respect, enough self-dignity not to keep that door open so many times. And I could see maybe a one breakup, and then you make guys make up and get all that ironed out, get everything ironed out, and it works on from there. But the off and on, off and on, off no.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

That that it is emotionally damaging to you, and uh it it hurts your life, you know. And I don't gonna give you a uh we met a lady m not so long ago, and she stays in a relationship because the the intimacy is good and she doesn't know how to turn it off.

SPEAKER_00 23:36

And he's violent.

SPEAKER_01 23:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 23:38

So she's afraid.

SPEAKER_01 23:40

She's afraid to shut it down.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

She's afraid. We chatted with her, yes, she's afraid. So that's not good. I'm sure signs were earlier. There were signs earlier about his behavior. The minute you see someone get violently aggressive with you or whether it's verbally or physically, the first time that happens, that needs to be shut down. Yes. You need to walk away because it's not going to get any better.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

No.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

It's gonna get usually it gets worse. Yes. Now, do we have time for another? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:19

We have another one? Let's hit another one.

SPEAKER_00 24:21

Okay. Uh this person says, I'm engaged to be married in eight months. My fiance said we will have a joint bank account only. He doesn't want me to have a separate account. I'm 32 years old and have had my own bank account since 17 years old. That's when I started working. By the way, I'm a teacher's assistant and I like having access to my own money. How do I keep my own bank account and keep my fiancee happy? Well, this was uh what one of our podcasts about finances. So let's let's talk about this real quick.

SPEAKER_01 25:07

So uh in our financial podcast, I I've I've said you should have your own bank accounts, you should have one that's a joint that everything goes in for the bills and everything else. When you're putting everything in one bank account, then you don't have any backup. Especially if you're doing it prior to marriage, but even when you're married, when someone's had enough, whether it's a man or a woman, and they decide to say, you know what, I'm done. And they go to the bank, clean it out, and leave you with nothing.

SPEAKER_00 25:44

Right. That's why we always say that, you know, as as a young adult, as an as an adult, whatever your age is, if you ha if you've already if you're already established and have a bank account, then that should keep your bank account. And then when you do get married, on not before. Yes, because un uh again, if you listen to our finance uh financial podcast where we talk about finances, we go into details.

SPEAKER_01 26:18

Yeah, but but uh keep it so that you have a joint account where you put in for bills, has a you have another joint account whereas we call the holy crap account. So if anything happens, you've got some backup funds in there and you put some money in there. And if you want to do a uh uh another account for travel or vacation, you can. You can have these little accounts, but you each put into those little accounts. And we even have uh clients that you can't access the account without both of you signing off on it or something, you know. There's all different types of things you can do, but do not give up everything into one account.

SPEAKER_00 26:58

Right, right. It's it's very good to um have your uh your own account because you know you might you might see um Gucci bag that don't put those ideas this women head start. You know, you may you may see something that you want in because it's it's always good, especially you if you're working before marriage and and you yeah. Keep your own.

SPEAKER_01 27:20

It's like we just talked about a little while ago. If you want to buy something for your partner, then it's a gift. So you don't want your partner to know what your how much you spent or whatever for that gift for your partner. So have your own account.

SPEAKER_00 27:33

And and and go back to our pack podcast where we dive deeper into because we're gonna be doing a part two on that as well. Sounds good. Sounds good. Do we have another for one more?

SPEAKER_01 27:44

Let's let's get another one in.

SPEAKER_00 27:46

Okay. I've been dating someone for eight months. The thing is, we met online, we text all the time, but every time we plan to have a live chat, they say their internet isn't working. Their internet is down. We're both in our thirties, and I'm ready to take it to the next level. How do I move this relationship along?

SPEAKER_01 28:11

Oh, that's easy. Can I take this one, please?

SPEAKER_00 28:13

Well, you've been taking them all, so go ahead. So go ahead. Oh my god. You started this. Yes. Well, don't ask me questions. Go go on. Go on, Professor. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:32

I want to roll it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think because we're stuck in airports for too long. Okay. This is an easy one. Run. Change your number, cut him off, run. It's not a real relationship. We've done a podcast on catfishing. We did. Nah, run.

SPEAKER_00 28:51

After eight months. After a couple weeks. Well, but that's what I'm saying, but yeah, this has been going on for eight months. You've got to know that there's something underlying about this situation.

SPEAKER_01 29:04

And I I uh I just hope whoever that person is, they have not sent any money or anything like that. Uh I'm gonna make it clear. Don't send money.

SPEAKER_00 29:13

Never, never send money money.

SPEAKER_01 29:16

And don't if you can't do a video chat, you know, I understand it can be you meet somebody in another state or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 29:23

If you can't do a video chat within a matter of days with yeah, with technology the way it is now, then that's a red flag. Move on. Move on. Run. That's it. Run because it you should see that person. Uh I you said you met online. I I don't know if if they showed a picture, but if you haven't seen that face live in a chat, and nowadays, you know what they can do, professor? They can take an image and make the mouth move. And they and AI using their voice behind so there's you just have to really be careful.

SPEAKER_01 30:06

Yep. Yeah. When you have stuff like that, that's when you tell them hold up the newspaper, you know, show me a cup of coffee. You know, have them pan around the room or whatever. Um, there's always things that you can do. Right, right. If you need whoever this person is, I'll send you a pair of running shoes. Run. Right. All right, this is it.

SPEAKER_00 30:28

Okay. All right. Uh any any last points?

SPEAKER_01 30:33

Yes. To our listeners, we love you guys. Thank you for all the support. Um, I want to give a shout out to uh wonderful young lady we met at the airport who was an sweetheart and we got to chat with her and and stuff and and stayed in touch with us. Um we we love meeting people. Um a lot of times people they know as who we are, but then uh we do wear our t-shirts that have the logo and stuff on the back, and people will see us and go, I know you guys. So um we do get noticed uh uh over the place. So we we want to thank everybody for all the love and support. Um we do have, as we travel, we do have meet and greets. And so if you're interested in a meet and greet, we don't post where the meet and greets are. If you're interested, you just give us an email and we tell you because we limit how many people, because we want to keep it intimate. Um so feel free to contact us and we're happy to let you know where it is.

SPEAKER_00 31:47

And if you have any questions or it if you have any uh addition, additional information to any of the questions that we did ask, what do you want them to do, Professor?

SPEAKER_01 31:57

You you want me to answer that?

SPEAKER_00 31:58

No, I'll answer. Uh you throw me under the bus here? No.

SPEAKER_01 32:03

You never let me do this part.

SPEAKER_00 32:04

I messed up the first time. Just please e email it to us. Uh you'll go to our website. But first we want to we'll give you the all that information. We want to thank you for being a part of the relationship coaching group community. Thank you for being with us. And if today's conversation resonated with you, remember that strong relationships don't just happen, they're built with awareness, communication, and the courage to grow together. And if you've enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow us, uh, follow our podcast so you don't miss future conversations about dating, relationships, emotional growth, and building deeper connection. And if you know someone who might benefit from today's topics, share this episode with them. And you can find us at relationshipcoachinggroup.com. That's where you'll find our emails. So you can email us with any suggestions, any questions. And until the next time, we say speak your niece clearly, listen without interrupting, and remember, you're not alone. Together, we got this.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

We got you.