Why You Attract The Some Type

Ever feel like you keep dating different people, but ending up in the exact same relationship?  In this episode, we unpack the patterns behind why you attract the same type; and more importantly, why you choose them.

We'll explore how past experiences, attachment styles and unhealed wounds can quietly shape your dating life.  From familiar emotional patterns to subconscious comfort zones, there's often a deeper reason certain dynamics keep repeating.

This isn't about blame, it's about awareness. Because once you understand your patterns, you can finally break them.

If you've ever asked yourself, "Why does this keep happening to me?" this conversation will help you shift from frustration to clarity, and start attracting relationships that actually align with your core values.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Welcome to Relationship Coaching Group Podcast. Whether this is your first visit or you've been following us, don't forget to download this podcast to reference later, because here we keep it real with scenarios, tips, and suggestions, everything relationship-centered. Hello, I'm Roxanne, your relationship coach and host, along with my co-host, the Professor. Together we've been coaching couples and singles for over 20 years, and now we're here to work with you. So get ready for today's podcast. But before we begin, let's welcome the professor. Hello, Professor.

SPEAKER_01 0:54

Well, hello, and how are you today?

SPEAKER_00 0:57

Doing wonderfully well, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 0:59

Awesome. Well, I've got some really great green tea today.

SPEAKER_00 1:04

Oh, really?

SPEAKER_01 1:05

Yeah, it's really good. Oh, I love green tea. Yeah, this is some good stuff. But anyway, I want to give a big shout out to all this listeners. And uh a big shout out to uh Miss Sarah. She said I can use her name. Um, we were doing some interviewings uh along the beach, and uh just wanted to say uh thanks to her for her support.

SPEAKER_00 1:33

Hello, Miss Sarah.

SPEAKER_01 1:35

So please tell us what the topic is for today.

SPEAKER_00 1:41

Well, today you're gonna love this one. Our topic today is why you attract the same type. Ooh. Yes. And I'm gonna start off by saying that if you feel like you keep attracting the same type person, it's probably not a coincidence. Different face, same pattern, different story, same ending. And the real question isn't why does this keep happening to me? It's what is this pattern trying to show me?

SPEAKER_01 2:16

Wow. This is a this is a good one because we've talked about types briefly in um a couple podcasts back, and when when we talk with people, it always comes up, well, my type, my type, and when we ask, what's your type? Um, well, um they can't answer. Yeah. Or the one that always gets me is if it's a woman, it's well, you know, kind of like uh 6'2, um sparkly blue eyes. I mean, you you get these unrealistic Yeah, and I and I have clients that uh the phrase they they it's it's that's exact phrase.

SPEAKER_00 3:08

I keep attracting the same type. That's why I I thought this was a very great podcast to do because it addresses so many people. Because it seems as though they're drawn to that same type, whether it's an alcoholic, whether it's uh someone who may be abusive, maybe someone who doesn't talk to them very nicely or behave nicely around them. So I'm excited about this about this podcast because this is gonna be a good one. It is so common in in my practice.

SPEAKER_01 3:48

Yes, and and it is very much uh a big topic that we talk about in our offices. And so yeah. And what's we got?

SPEAKER_00 4:01

So you know I have a lot of points.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

I know you do.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

So my first point is shift from the passive to active because it's not just who you attract, it's who you choose. So if you stop being passive about it and be more active on your your choosing, that maybe that that's one of my points, my first point.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

Can we address that point?

SPEAKER_00 4:28

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 4:29

You've heard me refer to that show, Poppy Balloon, and you hear this term a lot on that show, and that is you're just not my type, or I just don't feel the butterflies. I don't feel a connection. And it I I have to stop and go, Are you kidding me? You have barely spoken to the individual, whether it's a man or a woman. You've barely got information about them. The only thing you can judge them on is their look and the first things that they said about themselves. Right. But it's amazing that when they pop that balloon and they're asked, why'd you pop? It's just not really my type. And she'll ask, Well, what is your type? A lot of times they don't they can't answer it. It's it's this go-to defense mechanism, and they don't have an answer for it.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

Right. Well, here's another reason to shift from passive to active in the dating field is because attraction might be automatic, but selection is intentional. I mean, you you see someone and say, oh, they're you know, they're good looking, they're built well. But then you really have to be intentional in selecting that person to be someone that you want to date.

SPEAKER_01 5:54

Because you gotta have a good moral yourself has to have a good moral compass so that you can pick a good moral person. And if you're just picking on looks, you go out to a bar with some friends and you see someone across the counter, and you're like, ooh, they're so fine, oh my gosh. And then you shoot your shot, and you're like, oh my gosh, I got his number, and you're so happy, and you go out with this person, and you find out that they're and they're not what you want them to be, but you still keep going out with them because they're cute. They're you know, your girlfriends or male friends are saying, Oh my gosh, oh she's cute, or he's handsome, or whatever it is. You don't pick by moral compass, you pick by superficial, like Judge Judy says, beauty fades, but what?

SPEAKER_00 6:53

Dumb as forever.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

There you go.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

So make sure that your selection is intentional. Now, the next point I have is familiar reality. Well, let me try this again. My tongue just didn't want to work. Familiarity. Okay. Well, being familiar uh feels like chemistry. Oh, this is gonna sound good when you play back. I know, I know, I know. Um it feels like chemistry. What feels right isn't always healthy, it's just often familiar.

SPEAKER_01 7:32

Yeah, because they do the same thing over and over again. Yes. It's it's like you go to a restaurant and you pick the lasagna and you notice a lot that the I'm I'm like, what is wrong with us? It's contagious. We're not lasagna tastes like crap, but you keep ordering it.

SPEAKER_00 7:55

Right. Or better uh better example is you're allergic to let's say shrimp. Uh-huh. But you keep ordering. But you keep ordering shrimp. And you have big whip, so oh I'd I'll I'll just I'll just get the shrimp. It doesn't matter what it I don't care. What the reaction is. So yeah, what feels right isn't always healthy. But it's sad how it's just that it's familiar.

SPEAKER_01 8:19

But it's sad how we we've come to this where we've got this vision of what a man or a woman should look like. And again, that goes back to social media and everything else. When you look at the demographics, your six foot tall, you know, $200,000 a year guy is in the 1%, and everybody's fighting for that one person. There are so many good men and women out there. Hardworking. Hardworking, dedicated, yeah, and will love you till the cows come home, but they don't want those time. You are the other one I hear is oh, you know, I want a strong man that can lead me, and I want this man to well, you a dog? You need to be uh colour on and led. Well, no, I mean come on, think about this. A man is there to provide, give infrastructure, and and be there and help to grow and grow the family, but you have to contribute to it as well.

SPEAKER_00 9:25

Right, but but I do disagree that it's it's not that they have to be led 100%. But a man is supposed should have a big role in leading with that.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Yeah, leading. But their terminology and what they and the way they say it, I need a man to, or I'm a strong woman, I need a man to lead me. Oh. Come on, really? Yeah. Well, this is not what and this is what turns off men and women, especially men, they get turned off with that nonsense. Dial it down, be humble, and stop looking for this guy that is in your dreams that you will probably 10 out of 10 not get. Because everybody's fighting for that 1%. And in some cases, it's less than 1%, because those type of guys, they're either married or they are having fun. Because they can. So stop with this type nonsense.

SPEAKER_00 10:30

So you're saying basically saying look for someone who's change it. Hardworking, dedicated, love you.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

Be prepared to change. You know, I I I said this in in a podcast, I love change. And that change could be anything from changing the furniture to um taking a different way home because I'd get bored. And I especially, you know, working, I'd go the same way. Sometimes I go different way, change. I don't go to the same restaurant over and over again, I don't eat the same foods, I get bored. Change, change the way you think, and you'll be surprised what happens.

SPEAKER_00 11:13

Right. And if the person that you're picking, and we're gonna go, we have we have quite a few more pointers to make, but if the person that you've been choosing o over and over and over again isn't working, then yes, you may want to look at changing. Yeah. Changing your view on someone, changing your ideal person.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

If you think I'm wrong about what I'm about to say, and I'm probably gonna pick some people off, that's fine. But we have today, based on what our partner should look look like or be like, is what social media has put out there. Social media, media, magazines, your friends, this is what's infiltrated into these people's minds that this is what I should have. I deserve this. And if you listen to all these types that people want, they're all the same. They either want someone that's tall, handsome, but kind of a bad boy. It's like you want everything. So you want a drug dealer? Oh no, no. Well, well, no, some of them will take the drug dealer because he's gonna provide the lifestyle that they want. Hello. Point taken. Mm-hmm. So and then I'm not I'm I'm taking the gloves off. Right. I see that. I've been nice. Because you you you had you'd said keep it real, and I'd kind of been being nice. We'll stop being nice. We gotta start keeping it real, real. Because if people want to have a a good relationship, you gotta change your narrative because it is not working.

SPEAKER_00 13:03

So the next point I want to make is the the pattern recognition of why you attract the same type. Pattern recognition, meaning that you're not just attracting them, you're recognizing something in them. You know, it again, it's something that you're familiar with, as we were saying, and uh it may be s the way they talk to you. You may be and I I had a client who's who was very comfortable with being called out of her name, being yelled at, because she knew it would always there was a a calm coming afterwards. But this was what she was used to. And sometimes when she was telling me about her significant other, and she was smiling when she would say how things that I considered mean. Well, one time her significant significant other left her at the store because they had an argument in the store, and she had to find a way back home. And she was smiling when she said that. I said, You do you think this is okay? So sometimes just the being familiar. I'm not gonna try to say that again. Being familiar is comfortable, and we're we're we're gonna you're gonna pick up on this even more through our podcast. But but you're absolutely right.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

Because you have those that like the the small talk, they they love that um small talk, the the sexy talk, stuff like that, and it gets them. You're like those who love the banter, and that's what draws them in. Everybody has their little quirks that they that draws them in. And so, you know, when they say I think what what it comes down to is their type is the one that piques their interest, that gets them going and and makes them feel excited.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

And sometimes it's where they n the the person, whether it's them the man or the woman, n if they're attracting that same type that's not healthy, not a healthy type, they may need to get some they may need work inside of them because they may not be whole enough for a relationship. Or so get some help. Don't be afraid if you see that you're gearing to people that are not healthy, that are not making you happy most of the time, then it may be something that you may need to work on in internally, that something that needs to get fixed, and nothing's wrong with that.

SPEAKER_01 16:01

Most people who go for their so-called type, it doesn't work that well. We've seen that where they go for this type doesn't last long because they keep picking the same thing. All the difference is is that person is wearing a different outfit, a different pair of Nikes, a different pair of jeans, a different haircut, uh different facial hair, but deep down it's the same thing you keep picking. Right. Like you have some of those that pick that I mean they they look very close to their exes. And do you remember the lady that we asked to see because we we joined in together and we asked to see pictures. Oh, right, right. And literally all the pictures that she had, we looked and we we both looked at each other and we're like, you picking the same looking person.

SPEAKER_00 17:01

Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 17:04

Yes. So there has to be a point in your life when you say, This has to change.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

And that's that's why we're that's why we're here to to help you and to to make a to make a difference with that.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

All right, far away. Let's get these questions.

SPEAKER_00 17:19

Okay. Um another here here's some other pointers of why you may be attracting the same person. The red flags that you keep re repeating. There's some red flags that you keep repeating. And here's one. You minimize early signs because you notice the red flags, but you explain it away.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

Can you say that again? Well, now I ask listen is when I ask her to repeat things because I I really want you to hear it. I want you to listen to it deeply and hear what she's saying.

SPEAKER_00 17:57

The red flags that you keep repeating may be a reason for picking the same same type. You minimize early signs and you notice the red flags, but you explain it away.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

That is so common. We literally can pinpoint that pretty early.

SPEAKER_00 18:20

Yeah, a lot, a lot of our clients, again, both male and female, the men and women, they see, oh, I saw those red, I saw the red flags early.

SPEAKER_01 18:32

They they s we we've heard people say they say it and they don't realize what they're saying until we make them keep repeating it and they go, Oh, like you've been you went out for dinner and they're ordering all this food and and spending your money, and then they ghost you.

SPEAKER_00 18:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:54

And it's like, uh, before they even finished, I know where this is going. And the poor guy's left sitting there, like, um, that I didn't get a call back, nothing. She's not taking my calls. There was a red flag right there. Yeah. And when I said, can you say that again? And he repeated a couple of times and he went, oh shhh. But that's the thing, is that we you don't take time to stop. You get caught up in the feeling instead of saying, Let me take a step back for a moment. Yep, he's cute, she's cute, but I need to start looking. What's in front of me?

SPEAKER_00 19:36

Right.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

Take the veil away and look what's in front of you.

SPEAKER_00 19:40

Right. And there's another uh another red flag that that people some people keep repeating, and that's looking at potential versus reality. You're dating who they could be, not who they are. Well, he has potential is what I hear from some of my clients. He has he he has potential, but the abuse is there, the violence is there, everything, but he has potential. Wake up. Wake up. These are red flags that should not be ignored. And that I uh so I'm let me And we spoke on red flags, not to cut you off, yeah, Professor, but we did, we had a whole podcast on red flags.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

Yes. Let me just say this. When and this this is something that um I've experienced, and that is you meet somebody and they claim to be an entrepreneur, okay? And then you ask, oh, well, great, what do you do? Oh, I I do this and I and I do that, okay? And then you ask for the name of the company. Oh, well, you know, um I I I don't like saying the name of the company right now. I, you know, okay, red flag, you know. I'm listening to all these things, but a lot of time people get caught up in, oh, well, they ha they're entrepreneur, they have a nice car, but you have no clue on what they do, but they're an entrepreneur. Right. That term has been thrown around so many times. I'm not gonna go back to that show because it's your fault because I started watching it because of you. But you you you learn a lot from but I've learned a I've learned a I I I well say I've learned some, but it just reinforces what I know. And that is when I hear people come up and they go, Well, I'm an entrepreneur, okay? How many people stand up and say, I'm an entrepreneur? Oh, plenty, and plenty, that's it, and and you're supposed to just roll with that, right? And you know how many entrepreneurs I meet that sit at home on their ass and watch. TV. They haven't put it into fruition yet. So ask questions. Definitely. Be proactive. Don't get brought in by the smooth talking, the pretty face, the big boobs, and the fancy suits and the cars. Don't get sucked into that. Ask questions. Because it's really easy to go rent a car and look good.

SPEAKER_00 22:28

Select. Be intentional on who you select.

SPEAKER_01 22:33

Yes. You can lease a nice car. You can go rent a nice car. Don't make the car part of the deal. Not just car, but material things. Material things. Don't get caught up in that look for the real stuff that matters.

SPEAKER_00 22:57

Right. And here's here's another point of uh red flags that maybe you keep repeating is that overextending early. In other words, you give more faster and hope it creates stability. You may give up yourself. You may be intimate too fast. Thinking that if you give in, how how does uh there's a term giving up the cookie? If you give up the cookie too fast, you gave up the cookie. You think maybe that might solidify a relationship. So just take your time. You don't yeah, that a lot of times that that doesn't work. No. So you just have to back up and take your time.

SPEAKER_01 23:51

Sometimes people use it's called what it is, sex as a way to seal the deal. You give up the cookie because you want to seal the deal. You're mine. You think you're going to brand them. I uh this is mine. You know? No, it doesn't work like that. Not today.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

Not today.

SPEAKER_01 24:13

That uh um if my great-grandparents were around today to see this, what happens today, th they'd be shot. Because there's no it used to be when you you d you well, they used to call it what was it, courting. You know, court a girl, a guy, you go out, you'd have a little kiss, but you know, you you got married, then you'd have kids, and you build a life together. There's nothing wrong with that because it gives strength and validity to the relationship. To the relationship.

SPEAKER_00 24:54

But today you It's instant gratification. Yes, it it's so free today. And if you want something, now you know if you just want to be free, that's that's your prerogative, but if you want something serious, something that's lasting, then that's when if you're being pushed into early sex and that is not what you want, then whether again, whether it's them the man or the woman, you just really have to, that's a that's a red flag. If they're pushing you to give up yourself early on, and that's again, that is not what you want, then you you you may have to back back up.

SPEAKER_01 25:37

Well, listen, there's nothing wrong with uh a man or a woman stating early. If we're going out for dinner, this does not lead to anything. And um I was listening to radio the other day, and a lady was saying she goes out on dates and she spits the bill because she doesn't want this narrative of, well, you know, I bought you dinner, now you gotta give me dessert.

SPEAKER_00 26:05

Right.

SPEAKER_01 26:05

You know, and unfortunately, I hate to say it, there are plenty of guys that believe they took out and spent $300 on you. Uh they want dessert, they want the cookie. So unfortunately, and it that uh it's sad that you have to think that way, but that's what we've come to. And there's nothing wrong with stating in the beginning, uh, just so you know, I'm not the person type of person that's gonna jump into bed a first, third, fourth date. That's not what I'm looking for. And if that's what you're looking for, keep on moving. Keep it moving. Keep it real. Yeah, be be intentional. Let them, let whoever it is, man or woman, let them know what the ground rules are at a very get-go. And if this is just a casual date, then call it what it is. It's just a casual date. Right. Whether you're just going for coffee as as getting to know each other, or if this is a booty call. Right.

SPEAKER_00 27:01

Be honest about it. Be honest. And then sometimes you're not choosing a person, you're choosing a chance to get a different outcome. So if you say, okay, well, this this relationship didn't work, and then you find someone who's familiar, and you say, okay, well, maybe the ending might might be different. But a lot of times you may find that it's the how do you say, uh, same story, different ending? No, or or how does it go?

SPEAKER_01 27:37

Same story, different shit. Listen, you can't you can't put lipstick on a pig and call it a fairy. I mean, it's it is what it is.

SPEAKER_00 27:48

Right.

SPEAKER_01 27:49

And we a lot of people do that. They're like they keep doing the same thing, hoping for a different result. And it doesn't work.

SPEAKER_00 28:02

Right. And it's different story, same ending. I had to get it out.

SPEAKER_01 28:07

Go for it. That's okay. But we it, you know, this is one of these subjects that really is, you know, when we say it out loud, um, we the couple of we did a podcast and we talked about red flags, stuff like that. And, you know, when we close out, sometimes we're talking and we're like, you know, how do we get people to to change? And it's really hard. And it's not until sometimes they get to the point of they're in the deep of the deep of the shit. They're at the bottom of the bottom, they're at the lowest of the lowest. Well, they stop and go, I can't do this anymore. And we try to get to you before you get to that point. Yes. Because when you get to that point, then your trust level is shot. You you don't believe in yourself, you've got low self-esteem now, everything just keeps getting worse. Stop this behavior as soon as possible.

SPEAKER_00 29:11

Make changes in your life. Definitely. Now, here's another point why you may be attracting the same type. And these points are under the comfort trap.

SPEAKER_01 29:21

Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_00 29:23

Emotional highs and lows, whereas intensity can feel like connection, but it's often instability.

SPEAKER_01 29:31

You know what the that that reminds me of when I hear people say, you know, I just feel so comfortable with um, and I said to someone, so it feels like that warm, fuzzy blanket. Yeah. Because it's ev it's familiar to you. Right. You've taken familiarity as this is what it should be. Right. It it's comfortable. Do you know times I picked up a blanket and I think it's nice, and I put it on me and it's itchy? Right. And I and it and I don't like it. You know? Because but I don't keep it on me. I kick it off, and I'm like, okay, go get rid of that. Right. You know what I mean? Comforters and blankets I've we've taken back, taken to thrift or return. Because you we we get comfortable, we settle. And when we when we and I want to make sure I say this, don't confuse what we're saying with a guy who is a strong guy, he goes to work, he works hard, he makes a decent wage, and he kicks all the boxes. All he he's 80, 81%, 82% there, but it's the other percent that you judge him on.

SPEAKER_00 30:46

Right. Yeah, sometimes they they judge on the 20% instead of the looking at the 80%. It may be a height issue. Come on, but you tick all the other height. Yeah, but you tick all the all the boxes are ticked, but the height thing.

SPEAKER_01 31:02

I hear you and again, I'm gonna go back to that show because that that that that one just drives me nuts when I hear these people say, Well, you're just not tall enough for me. Um, and the host will say, Well, how tall are you? Well, I'm I'm 5'2 without heels. Well, how tall are you? I'm 5'11. Help me make that make sense.

SPEAKER_00 31:24

And sometimes they want someone even taller. Yeah, come on. Right, right. Be intentional. Yes. Look at look look at the whole person.

SPEAKER_01 31:34

Stop judging people because they're they're not tall enough for you. Or because what about if a guy turns around and says, Well, you're not skinny enough? Oh, hell would break loose. Men don't judge women like women judge men.

SPEAKER_00 31:50

Yeah, you may have a point there. And and then here's um being be these are comfortable, these are the comfort traps. Calm can feel boring when you're used to chaos.

SPEAKER_01 32:06

Okay, repeat that one more time.

SPEAKER_00 32:08

Calm can feel boring when you're used to chaos.

SPEAKER_01 32:11

Do you hear this listeners? Say it one more time.

SPEAKER_00 32:15

Calm can feel boring when you're used to chaos. And and that is the problem.

SPEAKER_01 32:21

They're used to chaos.

SPEAKER_00 32:23

And we that we mentioned this we're we're kind of reinforcing things that we're saying from the beginning of the podcast. Just it's familiar. It's familiar. And as I was mentioning, uh one one of my clients, when she was smiling, saying these things that were that were making me feel uncomfortable, and I was getting angry, and she was smiling when she was saying how her significant other treated her.

SPEAKER_01 32:51

Because she she some people are just used to the chaos, and and they've taken that chaos as he cares for me, right? Or she cares for me, or they love me. No, right. I just want to say this. We get caught up in the world, the word love. I love him, I love her. No, you don't know what love is. Love is when you're sick and your partner's, you don't have to ask for help. When times are tough and your partner's there, it got your back, that's your ride or die. When things are high, they're there. It's not about the sex in the bedroom. Right. It's about all the what comes be when things are down, when things are up, when things are in the middle, when you're sick, and sometimes I'm pushing through, and I don't even know that I'm not my best. My partner will go, honey, chill for a minute. You you're are you okay? I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm and then she'll get out a thermometer and I got a hundred degree fever.

SPEAKER_00 34:01

That's love. Yeah, yeah. It's it's not always it's not always in in the bed. A lot of love takes place outside of that that room.

SPEAKER_01 34:12

Yeah, it's it's not about it's not about the sex. The sex is the fun part, it's the excitement part, but it's the stuff in between that should matter more.

SPEAKER_00 34:22

Right, right. Because it's not always choosing peace. You're choosing what you're used to. You so again, you're not always choosing peace, you're choosing what you're used to. Chaos. So and then that's uncertainty. Right, and and that's why I said earlier that it may be something that needs to be fixed internally with you to get right so that you can have a healthy relationship, not just a relationship filled with chaos because you're you're used to it, it isn't healthy. And if if children comes into play, it it definitely isn't healthy. It doesn't get any better. It's not healthy for the children either.

SPEAKER_01 35:06

If if money's not good and you have kids in the mix, it just gets worse and worse and worse. Yes. Because whether it's a man or a woman, you you have picked the same drama, the last relationship, the relationship before that, because you haven't learned to come out of your comfort zone and look at different. Right. Just because the guy is 5'10, why excluding him? Because the guy has uh uh Reebox on instead of Nikes, why excluding him? Right. You know, don't exclude someone for stupidness.

SPEAKER_00 35:49

And then there's the accountability shift. Now, this isn't about blaming yourself, it's about understanding your role in the relationship. So you you can't you can't blame blame yourself. Well, I, for instance, if if the chaos is going on, well, I started it. I I'm the cause of it. I shouldn't have said what whatever. And it may be in a in an abusive situation, and whether it's the man or the woman, and you're blaming yourself because of the violence that you're receiving. That's not right. So you you have the you're shifting the accountability onto you rather than the person who's causing the either the chaos or the physical abuse or because you don't think you can have better.

SPEAKER_01 36:44

You don't trust in yourself, you don't believe in yourself, and you think this is what it should be because it's familiar.

SPEAKER_00 36:52

Right. And just because you may you may say that, well, if I hadn't said this or if I hadn't done this, he wouldn't have hit me, or he wouldn't have left for a week, or wouldn't have stormed the house and shattering plates and what have you, causing chaos. Just know that understand your role. And if your role wasn't um your role isn't physical. Know where the physic physicality and the chaos is coming from. Understand that. And that if you s whatever you said sh should not have been the the part that caused uh abuse or chaos.

SPEAKER_01 37:38

But that's what happens is that when when things don't go right, we automatically go to the They shift the accountability. You know, you're they start calling you out your name, and then it starts arguing both both back and forth. The moment that you start calling each other and cursing and carrying on, and God forbid you're doing all this in front of your kids, it doesn't get any better. And and you know, when we say about getting help, whether you use us or go to somebody else, but as long as you get help.

SPEAKER_00 38:21

Exactly. And remember, patterns don't change until you do.

SPEAKER_01 38:25

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 38:26

Patterns don't change until you do, and you can't break a pattern you're not willing to see clearly. Oh. You know, you know what you're doing, but again, you're ignoring the the patterns. You're ignoring the the fact that you're choosing the same person, the same type of person, the same type of behavior, whatever it is. So just know that you can't break a pattern until you're willing to see clearly.

SPEAKER_01 38:58

And you can't fix them. A lot of a lot of it is they go in, well, you know, um I can work with them on that. I I can I can change them. I can listen, there are some men and women you can change because they're willing to change. Right. If you see a behavior, whatever, because their their own home life was chaotic, and you point it out to them and you do it in a nice way, and that person will sit there and say, Okay, I I will I will try and work on that. Right. Maybe you have a point. You know, you have a point. But if that person is not receptive to change, or because you can't fix unless somebody wants help. You can't make a drug person go to get help if they don't want help. You can't get an alcoholic to go to a rehab if they don't want it. But we there are so many people that think that they can fix somebody. You know, a doctor will never tell you he can fix you. You ever go to a doctor's and say, you know, uh, my heart hurts. Well, well, let's take a look and see. They'll give you some medication, but they'll never tell you they can fix you.

SPEAKER_00 40:14

Let's try it is let's try this. Right, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 40:17

It's a practice, right? Because they're not gonna take on that liability. Right. So why are you taking on the liability? That's good. Yeah, it's good.

SPEAKER_00 40:25

And then, okay, we're well now. We're gonna point out some ways to help break the pattern. Okay. I like this. You ready?

SPEAKER_01 40:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:33

Okay, one, slow down the process. Oh, yeah. That's that's numero uno, slow down the process. We talked about how some people rush into a relationship, rush into sex, rush into just wanting what they want, wanting this, wanting a stable relationship. Slow it down, slow down the process because patterns thrive in speed. Clarity comes with time.

SPEAKER_01 41:03

You know, uh, you've heard me uh talk about my mother, and you know, my father really wasn't around to give advice, but my he gave some stuff, but my mother was the one I was moving a little quick with this little young thing when I was a young man. When you were a youngin'. Yeah, I was a youngin'. And I was getting ready to go out the door. My mother said to me, she grabbed me by my arms, shook me straight in my face, and she said, Pump your brakes. Slow down. Good advice. Because you keep going at the speed you're going at, you're gonna get hurt, she's gonna get hurt, or you're gonna end up with a kid. Pump the brakes. Get to know her, get to know her family. And I walked, I I it went in one ear and out the other, but I'm out the door and I get on the train and there comes my mother's voice.

SPEAKER_00 42:03

Pump the brakes.

SPEAKER_01 42:04

Pump the brakes.

SPEAKER_00 42:05

Yeah, you you have to take relationships slow, especially, especially nowadays when everything is immediate. Everything uh it's immediate satisfaction. Immediate satisfaction, in everything is immediate. Pump the brakes, right? Slow down, slow down the process. Evaluate. Because again, I really like this. Patterns thrive in speed. They uh you can pick you can pick up the patterns really, really fast. Yes. With clarity comes with time. Yes. Now here's another pay attention to behavior, not words. Oh yeah. If the behavior doesn't uh doesn't match what's being said, that's a red flag. You may want to pay attention to that really close.

SPEAKER_01 42:54

If the flashing dash doesn't what you see in front of you and the words coming out don't go together, whether it's a man or a woman, because trust me, it goes on both sides of the fence, that's when you need to stop, open your ears wide, and listen carefully, because it'll be easy to pick up.

SPEAKER_00 43:13

Very easy. And we're gonna that there's a that's a podcast for another day in terms of looking out, looking at behaviors and ignoring the words. Yes. Now, consistency tells more than chemistry. So if someone's cons consistent with their behavior, with their treatment of you, um nothing changes mo the you know, the mood pretty much stays the same, then that's that would be good, right?

SPEAKER_01 43:46

It would be good. And it can be good, but you have to keep your o eyes open because sometimes what happens is is that when they've got you in that place On they're married, things change.

SPEAKER_00 44:02

Right. And because I wanted to flip it because chemistry can lead you totally in the wrong direction. But consistency is more important than the chemistry. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 44:16

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 44:17

Because chemistry will, ooh, that that will get you in trouble big time. Your hormones will Yeah. And then here, here's another point that we want to make about helping you break these the the pattern is choose differently even if it feels unfamiliar.

SPEAKER_01 44:36

Choose differently.

SPEAKER_00 44:37

Yeah, because if you're choosing the same person, if you okay, someone that drinks too much. And this second person you dated drinks too much. The third person you dated drinks too much. You may want to try somebody who doesn't drink too much. So even if it's not familiar, you may want to try choosing someone different. Yeah. To break to that to break the pattern. If the pattern isn't working, then you may choose someone that's uh that have unfamiliar characteristics that you're you're accustomed to.

SPEAKER_01 45:15

Yeah, or you meet someone and they need $300 to get the nails done, uh $1,000 to get their hair done. You next go you're with the same thing happens over again, same thing again. Hello. Goes both ways. I mean we Oh, it does go both ways. Here we've given you, you know, the extreme to not so extreme, but they're they're the same. Yes. It's a pattern. And that pattern you have to stop and say, hold up a minute. Right. How many times am I gonna do this? Right. I I may need to switch it up a bit. We had a coffee date, and then now you're asking me for $300 to get your nelson? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:57

I don't know you. And then healthy may feel uncomfortable at first, but that's okay. Yeah, sometimes okay, if you ha if you're used to someone who's uh uh causing chaos in the relationship, stirring up stuff, or arguing just so that they can leave for a week. And then here you have someone who stand you okay, then you would leave that relationship, that the chaotic one. You meet someone who's calm, who's caring, who's loving, who does you can fuss at them and they they won't stir up anything. They they will just let it ride, uh, their understanding, and you may look at them all crazy, like, what's wrong with this person? This isn't normal. It's not normal for you because of what you've been picking down the line. Right. But this is healthy. Know what's healthy and and no know what isn't. And if you keep choosing someone unhealthy, go get yourself checked out. Find a relationship coach, find a therapist, find someone that can help you dig into what's going on internally.

SPEAKER_01 47:13

And you know, I'm on that show, you know, Torch the Balloons. There was one, and she rejected a guy because he's quiet. Too quiet. He's too quiet. And she said something that I was I was like, did she really just say this? She said, You can't handle me. Oh, wow. I need a strong man that can handle me. Why is a man gotta handle you? Are you that toxic? Yeah. This is why you're on the show because no man wants you. Well, I'm saying it. And she hears the podcast, great, maybe I can help you. But when you and he even responded and says, What makes you think I'm quiet? What makes you think I can't handle you? And in this nice calm voice, don't take a man's demeanor of him being quiet as that he's not a strong man. Right. You don't have to be. I'm I'm a quiet guy. No, you're not.

SPEAKER_00 48:20

And I think our listeners picked picked up on that already. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, pick up a quiet guy? No.

SPEAKER_01 48:27

Wow. But when you have a quiet guy that doesn't is not out there in your face and carrying on Yeah, well you're not you're not that, but But you but you you you judge him as being weak. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:42

Stop doing that. Yeah. And maybe it's the patterns that they've been they've been picking. So if you are accustomed to someone loud and and boisterous, then maybe it's time to s switch it up. And then you have what we like to you to try is to strengthen your boundaries.

SPEAKER_01 49:03

Yes. We've talked about this.

SPEAKER_00 49:05

Yes, because the moment you start accepting less, that's the moment your your pattern shifts.

SPEAKER_01 49:12

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 49:12

When you st when you stop accepting um when you when you start accepting less.

SPEAKER_01 49:22

Yes. If you create a boundary, and what happens often is they take this boundary, and this is this is what I want, this is my boundaries. But then you keep moving the boundaries to fit the narrative. Right. Keep moving the boundaries. How is that fair? I've said this before. In a in a game of football, do we move the goal goalpost to make it easier? Right. No, so why are you moving your boundaries? Right. Start yet start accepting more from someone else. And be and keep your boundaries. Don't bend the boundaries to fit the narrative.

SPEAKER_00 49:59

Right. Exactly. And then stop being drawn to dynamics that you've experienced before. Simple as that. Just stop it. Stop being drawn to dynamics you've experienced before. Stop it. Stop it. So in closing, listen to this, listeners. You're not stuck. You're patterned. And patterns can be unlearned. The moment you start choosing differently, your outcomes start changing. Not because people suddenly change, but it's because you do. Professor, any last words?

SPEAKER_01 50:34

Yeah. Listeners, if this resonates with you and you want to change, you know how to reach us. Go to a website. Contact us. If you've got someone already or you want to go to somewhere different, please, whatever it takes to help you to make the change. Because at the end of the day, there comes a point in your life where you want peace and you want consistency and you want it real. Not this thing you've put in your head of what someone should be. Because do you think that vision that you have for someone is the same vision that someone has for you? You want that when someone sees you, they see the person who you really are. So get help, see somebody, talk to somebody. We hope that this episode will re uh resonates with you and touches you deep to the soul because we want you to have a stress-free, stress-free and peaceful and meaningful relationship.

SPEAKER_00 51:41

Right. And I have a few reflective questions for our listeners. Listeners, ask yourself this. What traits keep showing up in the people I date? Second question I'd like you to reflect on. What am I overlooking in the beginning that I end up dealing with later? And then the last thing to reflect on is does this feel safe or just familiar?

SPEAKER_01 52:06

Those are great things for for our listeners to reflect on.

SPEAKER_00 52:10

Yes. And we want to thank you, listeners, for being a part of the relationship coaching group community. You are a part, and we just thank you. And if today's conversation, as Professor mentioned, if today's conversation resonated with you, remember that strong relationships don't just happen. They're built with awareness, communication, and the courage to grow together. And if you've enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow the podcast so you don't miss future conversations about dating, relationships, emotional growth, and building deeper connection. And if you know someone who might benefit from today's topic, share this episode with them. And as Professor mentioned, you can find us at relationshipcoaching group.com where you'll have all the information on reaching out to us. If you have any uh anything that you'd want to bring up to us, if you have a question or a topic suggestion, feel free.

SPEAKER_01 53:16

And we do offer a 30-minute free uh session for you to get to know if we can help you. Jump on it. So take advantage of that. Take advantage. And please go on, take a look. Because we're happy. We we want you to be happy.

SPEAKER_00 53:42

We want you to be in a happy, healthy relationship. Yes. And until next time, speak your needs clearly, listen without interrupting, and remember, you're not alone. Together, we got this. We got you.