Why are Committed Relationship Becoming Rare

In a world of endless options, instant gratification and swipe culture, committed relationships can feel harder to find than ever. In this episode, we explore why genuine commitment seems to be fading and what's really driving this shift in modern dating.

We'll unpack the impact of dating apps, fear of vulnerability, past relationship hurt and the pressure to "keep options open." Is it that people don't want commitment anymore, or are they just afraid of choosing the wrong person?

Are more people avoiding real intimacy? We'll cover this and more possibilities why commitment is being delayed. So, if you've ever felt frustrated with dating in these current times, wondering if real commitment still exists, this episode will give you clarity, perspective, and a deeper understanding as to why commitment is being delayed.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:12

Welcome to Relationship Coaching Group Podcast. Whether this is your first visit or you've been following us, don't forget to download this podcast to reference later, because here we keep it real with scenarios, tips, and suggestions. Everything relationship centered. Hello, I'm Roxanne, your relationship coach and host, along with my co-host, the professor. Together we've been coaching couples and singles for over 20 years, and now we're here to work with you. So get ready for today's podcast. But before we start, we want to welcome the professor. Hello, professor.

SPEAKER_01 0:54

Well, hello there. You know, we need some fanfare or something. No. Don't push my luck, right? You're a push once. Oh well, uh, it's good to be here. Good to have you. Big thank you to our listeners. Um thank you for the love and support.

SPEAKER_03 1:17

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

And what is the topic for today?

SPEAKER_03 1:25

I love this. I love it. Why are committed relationships becoming rare?

SPEAKER_01 1:34

Ooh, that is such a good I yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:38

I I love this. This is um, you know, we bring out topics that we're addressed with uh we're addressed with our clients and especially if it keeps popping up, we say we have to address this because if ten, twenty of our clients are bringing these type of situations up, we need to address it.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 2:08

Because then there we're looking at thousands that may be going through the s same thing or something very similar. So we that's so we we really want to help others as we help our clients. And that's why we're here. That's why we have this podcast, right?

SPEAKER_01 2:28

I thought it's because you want to torture me with all these topics. Well, I know you have a lot of input, so well, you know, I'm I'm just passionate about this because over the years we've seen so many people's lives go off track for simple things. If they're just stopped for a minute, and if we can help somebody to stop going off track, then we've done something.

SPEAKER_03 3:02

We've done something. That's again, that's why we developed this podcast. Yes, because we want to expand our services.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

Yes, and we want to help, we want to, you know, for us, you know, we get asked this all the time. You know, why do we do this? Why do we put so much work on ourselves? Even our our in-house staff, our tech teens, and all that stuff. Um, you know, when we said we're gonna do podcasts are like, uh, don't you have enough on your plate? And we're like, no. Our job, we're we're not content creators, we're none of that stuff. We are relationships coaches who want to see people be freaking happy.

SPEAKER_03 3:49

And in healthy relationships, that's why we do this. Now, our topic, again, why are committed relationships becoming rare? Now, it feels like committed relationships are becoming harder to find, but are they actually rare or just evolving? More options, more independence, more awareness, yet somehow less commitment. So, what's really changed? People, expectations, or the way we approach the relationship?

SPEAKER_00 4:21

I think it's a bit of everything.

SPEAKER_03 4:22

Right.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

It's a definite bit of everything.

SPEAKER_03 4:25

Right. And we're we are definitely gonna be uh touching bases because as the professor knows, I have a lot of pointers that I bring out and that we that we expound on. And the first one, I'm gonna go on with the first one, Professor. Go ahead. The first one may be the illusion of endless options. This is this is gonna trip you up. Dating apps and over choice. It's when you feel like there's always someone better, one swipe away.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

The grass is always greener on the other side.

SPEAKER_03 5:03

Yes, and commitment can feel like just settling.

SPEAKER_01 5:08

And you're absolutely right. Um, choices. Plenty, so many choices. I think dating apps, I don't know if they've helped or ruined it.

SPEAKER_03 5:20

In a lot of cases, it's both. Because I have a client who's in a relationship, and he found out that his significant other, while in a relationship, swiping right, swiping left, she's just swiping away. Wow. Yeah, she's a swipe partner. Yeah. Yeah. And uh again, it it's um so many that we're experiencing are are having this these issues there in a relationship, but they're still looking at these dating apps. They're still putting their easy. They're still putting their information out in these um dating apps.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

Yes. When you have social media's made it easy. Yes. Like Facebook and Instagram and what's the other one? Snappy chat and all the other crap they got out there.

SPEAKER_03 6:17

Not only that, Professor, not to cut you off, but it's not just that. There are hundreds of dating apps.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

Yes, that too.

SPEAKER_03 6:25

There are some I even haven't even heard of until they bring it up to me.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

And you've told me some and I'm like, huh? What? You know, they've got from I don't want to name them, but they've got so many different so many. And th the options, and unfortunately, some of your options aren't even real options because their pictures have been doctored, or their pictures of ten years ago, right looked much better.

SPEAKER_03 6:55

Right, right. And then they meet up and it's like, wait a minute. Yeah, and they they right, they pull out their phone and say, This looks nothing like you.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

I saw a thing on um like a skit, I think it was on YouTube or it was on Facebook when I'm too. And they they meet up and he's at the restaurant, she comes in, and obviously she recognizes him, she sits down and he looks at her, he gets his phone out, he's looking on the phone, looks at her, and goes, Is this you? Yeah. Oh but yeah, we we I yeah, we definitely have too many choices. And I think some of that is because we don't know how to talk anymore. We don't know how have a conversation.

SPEAKER_03 7:46

A lot of it is a lot of texting goes on instead of real real communications, even when they're home from work, they're texting. Yep. Instead of picking uh having that phone and having a conversation of how was your day and just listening to the voice.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

That if you're gonna text, you text something short and sweet, but if you want to have a c conversation, do not text me for a coup for a conversation. Pick up the phone and call because I can hear the stress in your voice, I can hear if it's uh something serious or whatever. I can't get that over text.

SPEAKER_03 8:26

Right, right. And then again, as I said, commitment feels like settling. They look at the grass's greener mindset. Yeah. Yeah. Uh they're always searching, and it may not even it may not even be through the apps, but sometimes a a lot of especially the nowadays, and and we can't even say just young people because now it's crossing over to the 40s and up, 50s, 50s, 60s, where they have a good person. And then they may go out and maybe just go out socially with friends or what have you, and they meet they're meeting new they're meeting new people, and they say, hmm, this person makes me laugh.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

Right.

SPEAKER_03 9:16

But I have at home, not so much. So but they think that that laughter will continue, but it doesn't. They may they may switch up and find out that the laughter dies out after a while.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

But there's like you said, there's a lot of apps. Even on YouTube, you will see these commercials, you know, if you're 60 or over and you want a serious relationship. Right, right. Yes. Come on, really. And so when you have a uh marriage that is lost its zinc and go, it's its spark, and we've talked about that, keeping it alive. Um you're and people have settled into this boring routine, then you see that and you think, oh, maybe I'll just look. And then you look, and then you send a message, and then things start happening. It's so easy.

SPEAKER_03 10:19

It is easy. It is easy. And um speaking of married couples, sometimes, you know, as you said, sometimes the that excitement has worn off after 20 years or 25 years, and they meet someone young and fresh, whether it's a young man, whether it's a young woman, and they ha they have that excitement again.

SPEAKER_02 10:45

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 10:45

And they feel that or they think that it's gone going to last, and they compare it to what they have at home, and they again they think the grass is greener, they may cut off what they had for twenty, twenty-five years for something young, fresh, and dumb. Well, and of and then again, it's not what they thought it was going to be.

SPEAKER_01 11:11

Now, one of the things that we specialize in is expats in foreign countries. We work a lot with expats in foreign countries who've gotten into relationships with locals. And one of the things that we see is um men come and they get younger women, and we've unfortunately had some sad cases where married couple come and married for 30 years. Yes. And he goes to a bar, meets some young girl, starts hanging out. Next thing you know, he's left his wife, moved in for with her, and then in no time at all, she's taken everything. Everything. He showed up at the apartment, everything is gone, passport, you name it, ripped and dry. And there was no going back. No, no. Because he left his wife high and dry. She had to try, she had no money, she had to try and find a way home. Right, right. And this type of story we hear often.

SPEAKER_03 12:22

It it happens, it happens more than we'd like to hear about it. Right. But so it's not always you you and listen to our other podcast because we did talk about how to keep your relationship fresh and alive. Yes. That's all you have to do. You married someone, you're there for years, you're together 10, 20, 25 years, 30 years, and it won't be uh what sparkles and and and and uh bombs, bombs, and and excitement and fireworks. Fireworks. If there's bombs, you I really meant the fireworks. But sometimes relationships have bombs into yeah, explosions. But the this the spark, the fireworks, you have to bring that back. It's not just gonna happen after being together for so many years, yeah. Uh in many cases, you have to keep it. You have to keep those keep keep that um that lighter close by so you can light up that those fireworks.

SPEAKER_01 13:34

If I can't keep my partner laughing, and if she's not laughed at least several times throughout the day, then I need to stop and reevaluate what I'm doing because I may have got complacent.

SPEAKER_03 13:51

That's that's good. That's good. So just keep keep it alive. Keep people are just getting too comfortable and and letting relationships die out. And the grass is not always greener on the other side. Remember that.

SPEAKER_01 14:07

Because trust me, that grass dies real quick.

SPEAKER_03 14:10

Yes, yes, and there may be a lot of weeds you don't see when once you're once you're across that fence.

SPEAKER_01 14:16

Weeds are green too, so you're clutching. That's right. You go, what the hell? Yeah, well. I just real quick. Um, you know, our our good friend does makeup artist. She um she helps us with um helping some of our guests re kind of redo themselves. She's awesome. We Kindle? Yeah, kind of make them feel alive. So she's she's great. She sent me a YouTube video of an older woman, a woman of color, and she did herself up, and I'm watching this, and at the end, I was floored.

SPEAKER_03 15:03

Oh, I remember that video. Yeah, she she started out looking pretty aged.

SPEAKER_01 15:08

Right, yeah, and I I think she didn't have much in the way of teeth or whatever, and I mean, so when she was done, I'm like, uh yeah, this is not good. Right. The makeup was amazing. And I'm like, wow. And so, you know, these are the things that when you're in a relationship, women have way more tools today to make themselves look more than what they are, but they don't do it for their partner, they do it for someone else outside. If you did it for your partner, and I'm not saying put it all on so you look like a new different person, put it on enough so that you know, because you got comfortable, you stop wearing makeup, you stop making yourself look nice, you know?

SPEAKER_03 15:59

And then they go out with their girlfriends and he's like, Who are you?

SPEAKER_01 16:03

Yeah, you know, and and and that's the thing is makeup has got to a point where you can change actually how you look. And then when you, you know, wake up in the morning and your false face is on the pillowcase and you come at the bathroom. And the person goes, What are you doing? How did you break in?

SPEAKER_03 16:26

Oh, okay. Our next point of why can are why are committed relationships becoming rare. You have a disposable dating culture, yes, which means connections are easy to start and easy to walk away from. Say it again. Disposable dating culture, connections are easy to start and so easy to walk away from. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 16:49

Oh my gosh, I I love that. I'm feeling that disposable dating culture. Yes, that is so true.

SPEAKER_03 16:58

Because I know on the I and I I'll speak on on the the women, the the women's part, there's so many young ladies to older ladies that are making themselves so available.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 17:15

So available, and it's it's it's almost like a playground for for men almost because the w the a lot of a lot of young ladies make themselves so available. Yeah, because guys look at it. So they so they can go from one to another to another and another. We oh it might goodness sakes, it's it's a big playground. What do they call it? Hit it and quit it. Yep, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

So stop making yourself so available.

SPEAKER_02 17:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

I'm gonna say the word. I'm gonna do it. Stop in a hoe. Oh you didn't get it.

SPEAKER_03 17:50

I did it. I said it. No, we we j um it's just time for young ladies to want more.

SPEAKER_01 17:59

Be you know, we women talk about that they don't need a man, they don't need this, they don't need that. But if you're strong in all that, then why can't you be strong in your moral compass?

SPEAKER_03 18:12

Yes. Especially if you want if you want a a real committed relationship. Yeah. Now, here's another reason uh relationships are are committed relationships are rare. Fear of commitment versus fear of the wrong choice. People don't necessarily fear commitment, they fear committing to the wrong person. Oh and and I guess it's because there's again as let's look at there's so many choices out there. So if I pick this one, that might not be the right person. It might be him or it may be her. Because the the the choices, again, with the apps and with going to clubs, with going uh just just hanging out with friends or vacationing. You meet people when you go to vac when you go on vacations with your friends and you have a committed relationship at home, and that might that committed relationship at home may be um compromise because of who they meet, just being out in another state or country with friends. But you know what's becoming more normal is the side piece. Again, because people are making themselves so available, they don't mind being the side piece as long as they're getting what they want.

SPEAKER_01 19:37

Someone sent me a clip. Um, it's a great podcast they have, and the woman stood up there and said, How do I convince my husband to keep my side piece? Wow. And the panel were all like, What did she just say? Floored. The brazenness that we have come to in this society that you know we we can just say things like that.

SPEAKER_03 20:05

Or do things like that. Because if again disciples were turned, she'd be pissed. Depending on what kind of relationship they have. Yeah, but she's trying to convince her husband to keep her side piece. And he has and he's he's still has her in the house, that's crazy. But not now. Yeah. But again, it's being people making themselves of uh so available. And if you're a side piece, if then whether it's the the the side man or the side woman, then undoubtedly you're okay with not being in a committed relationship if you're okay with being the the side.

SPEAKER_01 20:44

But they want the cake and eat it too. Right. They want they want everything. Right. This is what we had said before. We we they don't people don't hold themselves accountable and they want everything. They're not happy with the 80%, they want a hundred percent, they want everything of it.

SPEAKER_03 21:05

Right. And and you can't have a hundred percent. Not yeah, that that's not realistic. There's gonna be people have flaws. Yeah. So there there's gonna be some flaws there. So it won't be a hundred percent perfect.

SPEAKER_01 21:19

If you talk to my partner and ask her, do I have flaws? What would she say? Definitely yes. That's it. Okay, that's it. That's it.

SPEAKER_03 21:35

So if you're okay, be uh if you're okay, if you're a side piece and you want a committed relationship, that's not the way to get him. Because you're waiting in the wings that he's going to get rid of the wife or the main girlfriend or or what have you, and then I'm gonna be in the a committed relationship. Well, the way you got him is. Is the way you're gonna lose them. If you do get them, uh that you'll lose them that way as well. Calm as a bitch. Yeah, what what goes around comes around. So be aware of that. If you want something committed, don't do that.

SPEAKER_01 22:14

That's not the way this is why long-term com relationships are is like you said, is slowly it's getting harder and harder to be in one. Yes. Because like you said, we've made everything at our fingertips. Swipe, left, swipe, right, go up, down, sideways. Yeah. And you can do everything secretly through an app or Instagram or whatever. And you know, you most men are not gonna grab for your phone and do all this stuff because men don't have time for that.

SPEAKER_03 22:53

Well, and then here's another um high awareness and low tolerance. Red flags are recognized faster, but sometimes people exit before real connection can develop. So you have a high awareness, but low tolerance. One thing that person does, you're in a relationship, one thing that person does, he may not have opened the door for you to get into the car. Say, oh, red flag, I'm out. Or you have your first argument and you're you're out. Or didn't rather it's in a nice steakhouse you wanted, you're out. Yes, yes. And and this is not um a long, you know, you it's not being in a long-term relationship. It's someone that you're getting to know, and the first red flag that you encounter, regardless of how small you want, you want out.

SPEAKER_02 23:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:52

Yeah. You have to give a rela you have to give people a chance. Yeah. Talk about it. Don't just run out. If you think that this is something that may be a long-lasting relationship, give it a give it a chance.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

Absolutely. I mean, look at Cheesecake Lady. Oh, good. Remember her? Yes, I do remember her. And she didn't want to be taken to Cheesecake. Cheesecake Factory. What the hell's wrong with Cheesecake Factory? Nothing. I love it. I love it. I love it. I mean, it it's changed over the years, but you know, I I remember going there and getting a good meal. That was one of my favorites. Yeah. So I mean, that's we it's so quick to torture relationship before it even gets started because you can go somewhere, go back to the app and get something else.

SPEAKER_03 24:42

Exactly. Exactly. And then you have perfection pressure. The expectation for a partner to meet every need can make commitment feel unrealistic. We're just saying that they want a hundred percent, they want that person to have to be uh um, they have a ticked list and they want every box ticked.

SPEAKER_01 25:04

And they're not even the boxes are not even ticked for them. Right. Right. Double standard. You want all the boxes checked, but your boxes aren't even half checked. Right. Hello?

SPEAKER_03 25:18

Help me make that make sense. Yeah, you you're not gonna get 100% perfection from anyone.

SPEAKER_01 25:26

Yeah, if you're getting 80%, put it right, if you're getting 85%, uh, then you should be happy. Yes. Because most relationships don't even get 80%. Exactly. They may get 75%, they may get 70%.

SPEAKER_03 25:40

So yeah, so if you're if you are getting 80% of uh in your relationship, then you're you're good. Yeah. You have someone, you have someone that's ready to uh to commit.

SPEAKER_01 25:55

Right. And we apologize if you hear a knocking, uh, all of a sudden they just started doing some work, so we do apologize if you hear it in the background. Hopefully, hopefully they don't. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:06

But we're we'll we're gonna press on because nothing's perfect. Not even when we're this is 80%. So um now, and we're living we're we're living in a self-focused era. People are building careers, identities, and independence before relationships. They want to get it right. They they they want their perfect scenario before getting in in a relationship, and they're missing out.

SPEAKER_00 26:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 26:40

Your life is not going to be 100% perfect before getting into a relationship. Even when you're in a relationship, it won't be 100% perfect.

SPEAKER_01 26:48

Yeah, but you that's the crazy thing. They're not perfect, but they want a partner to be perfect.

SPEAKER_03 26:54

Right. Or or they're they want their lives to be in perfect order before and someone comes along when it's let's say seven 70% where they want to be. They have a career, they uh they're making money, they working hard. Yeah. Um and uh but I want that car before I get in a relationship. I want that special car. And they meet somebody before that special car and they turn it down because they don't have that special car yet. Right. So materialistically, it's not realistic.

SPEAKER_02 27:37

Right.

SPEAKER_03 27:38

So don't look at materi as having all your ducks in a row. If someone comes along in the middle of getting what you say you're getting your life together, don't discount people that maybe you're fit.

SPEAKER_01 27:53

Right. And and you know, again, don't when you meet someone, don't be so quick to judge them. There was a uh lady who judged a guy, and um he wore shorts and flip-flops and a shirt. That's how he walked through the other day. Mm-hmm. But she was so quick to judge him. He had met her in a coffee shop, he tried talking to her, they went on the date, he wore shorts and a dress, you know, and a polo shirt or whatever, and she didn't think it was appropriate for a a date. So she wrote him off. Wow. But the guy was uh a very wealthy guy. Yes. So he didn't feel he needed to impress anybody. So who lost out here?

SPEAKER_03 28:42

Yeah, that that that would have been a loss. Right. Get to know someone, right?

SPEAKER_01 28:48

If It's just like if you go to the dealership and you're and this has happened, you know, I'm in a pair of shorts and I go to do it and they don't want to give me the time of day. Because of how you dress. Because now I'm dressed. But I'm in that dealership down the street. Oh yeah, I went back to that dealership in my fancy car and I said, uh, yeah, you missed out. Well, but it's cover.

SPEAKER_03 29:12

Right. Get to get to know that person. And then there's a there's less urgency for uh to be in a relationship. Commitment is no longer seen as a necessity, it's a choice.

SPEAKER_01 29:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:25

And some people choose not to be in one.

SPEAKER_01 29:28

They don't being in a committed relationship today, people look at it as being um not something they want or it's too difficult, or it's not they can't trust the person because they've already judged it already. Staying in a committed relationship takes work from both sides. Yes, it's not take, take, take, take and take more. Right. It's give and take. But you have a lot of these so-called committed relationships are very one-sided, where one I want this, I want that, I want my bag, I want my burgain, I want all this stupidness. But the relationship suffering. Right. Because that's the culture we've we've created.

SPEAKER_03 30:12

Right, or or doesn't even happen. Right. So yeah, it there's less urgency. Then you have um some people struggle to integrate independence with emotional closeness. In what we were saying, they want their independence. So if you get too close, uh you you're going to interrupt that uh my independence. You're going to kind of dismantle what what I have going on for myself.

SPEAKER_01 30:40

Right.

SPEAKER_03 30:41

So they kind of keep people at bay.

SPEAKER_01 30:44

Yeah. Being in a committed relationship. More now. Yeah. That's because you're more now than than before. Being in a committed relationship today is yeah. I mean, I know from our clients, we see the difficulty that people have, and the success rate is getting lower and lower and lower. Because the divorce rate is climbing.

SPEAKER_03 31:12

Because you have s again, there's so many factors that go on in uh in society today as you as we talked about the the apps and the uh people are just availing themselves to either be a mistress or uh or just to not ha not be not being a commitment. They're okay with just being a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Just remember the grass is not always greener on the other side. Right. And then you have people are just emotionally unavailable, and you have unhealed patterns.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

Oh, yeah, we've talked about this. Yeah, yeah. Going into another relationship, not being healed and and work yourself. Yes. Don't worry about the other person. That's done. You gotta work on you. Right. And working on you should be your priority.

SPEAKER_03 32:05

Exactly, because there's a carryover from past relationships. And you know, that causes you to not maybe not be in a healthy relationship or not be healthy for a relationship or a committed relationship.

SPEAKER_01 32:21

Well, look at the lady that I spoke about. Uh, I think she is awesome. She been through so many failed relationships. Eventually, we worked together. She worked on her inside and then worked on her outside, um, a different, helped her wear makeup. She went to the gym, she started doing great. And she met this guy, and her smile, I'm telling you, it's like a ray of sunshine. Every time I see her, even when we talk on the phone, I can feel the sun. You can see the smile. Right. You know, yeah, but she worked on herself, she took time to heal, she took time to work on herself, and the person she attracted was someone who saw a person who is amazing.

SPEAKER_03 33:12

Yes, because unresolved experiences make people more guarded. Yes, because they know that they have things going on internally, so they're on they're on guard. Yep. Those those past relationships, uh, those bad experiences really have to be resolved. Yes. Or bad life experiences, maybe growing up, have to be resolved so that you can be in a healthy, committed relationship. Absolutely. And then you have avoidance patterns. Some people want connection, but avoid the vulnerability it requires. They don't want to be vulnerable to anyone. Don't want to commit. They don't yep. They don't want that. Um They say they want it. And yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

And it it's almost as though they're afraid of the connection. Yes. They want the the intimacy, they want, they say they want these things, but they don't. It's a it's the defense mess mechanism and says, yeah, no, I I'm just gonna keep myself at a distance, but we're gonna be together.

SPEAKER_03 34:21

Right.

SPEAKER_01 34:22

Right.

SPEAKER_03 34:23

Yeah, and uh they don't want to feel vulnerable to someone. They don't want they don't they're gonna they don't want to let that let their guards down.

SPEAKER_02 34:31

No.

SPEAKER_03 34:32

And it may be past hurt, past relationships. Again, you have to heal. We've said that sometimes. And we have yeah, our podcast.

SPEAKER_01 34:44

Say this stuff all the time. You got to heal. Once you've been in a relationship and you've got hurt, and then you keep going and making the same choices, the same patterns, the same everything, and it keeps failing, you keep getting hurt, you'll never be in a committed relationship. This is why committee relationships are rare, because you keep doing the same thing. What is it when you keep doing the same thing over and over and over again, expecting the different results? Madness.

SPEAKER_03 35:17

Madness.

SPEAKER_01 35:19

So that's when you gotta stop and you gotta say, I gotta do me. I gotta work on me. Man or woman, you gotta stop. You gotta say, it's time to work on me.

SPEAKER_03 35:31

Definitely, definitely. And then this is what we did a podcast on on that. You have the situationship culture.

SPEAKER_01 35:39

Oh, god yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:41

Undefined relationships allow connection without full responsibility. So if it's not defined, you are uh oh, you're dating somebody? No, I'm in a situationship. I don't know, in other words, I don't know what it is, I don't know what to call it. Uh we see each other when we see each other, we go out, but there's no commitment. But they like that. Yeah, you have this culture now. Yes. Situationship. Not a relationship. Situationship. So if um you know, if you're looking for if you want a committed relationship and it the the relationship that you're in cannot be defined or has not been defined, uh you may want to ask questions. Yeah. And you And if you don't get the question if you don't get the answers that you're looking for, uh, how do you say kick rocks?

SPEAKER_01 36:37

Close the door and run and run. You know, you you will hear me say that many times to my clients. There comes a point when you gotta close the door and run.

SPEAKER_03 36:47

Definitely. And then another point of uh why we're committed relationships are becoming more rare is communication and effort gaps. Low to no effort put into a relationship is normalized. So we don't need to we don't need to talk about things, I don't need to expect a lot from you, I don't need to and you don't need to expect a lot from me.

SPEAKER_01 37:13

Because the relationship's not based off of communication, it's based off of sex. It's based off of the physical, yeah, not the mental, not the communication, not the relating to each other. Because today it's hard for them to communicate.

SPEAKER_03 37:30

Yes. Or again, the uh lack of communication is normalized, just like you know, low to no effort in the relationship is put in. So you don't expect don't expect a lot from me, and I won't expect a lot from you. You've heard me say this in other places. If we don't talk about it, that's a good job, but if we don't talk about it, we don't talk about it. That's it. If it happens, it happens.

SPEAKER_01 37:54

I I I've talked about this before. When you go to look for a office or whatever, or a home, you know, location, location, location. If you're in a relationship, it's communication, communication, more communication, and a lot more communication. Yes, yes. That has to be key.

SPEAKER_03 38:15

You can't over-communicate. No, no. And then the more you communicate, the more you the more there's trust.

SPEAKER_01 38:23

And more you learn about each other. Yes. It's when you don't communicate. And uh we've said this, well, we've been out for dinner or whatever, and we're watching because we love watching people, and you see these couples sitting there both on their phones and haven't said a frigging word to each other. Come on. Yes, and that's that no communication. They don't know how to talk to each other, and then they go home and they put they do the same thing. They're on their phones.

SPEAKER_00 38:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:54

One at one end of the couch, the other one on the other of the couch, and on the phones, or one's playing video games or whatever. There's no communication. None, none.

SPEAKER_03 39:02

And the consistency and effort aren't always prioritized the way that it used to be. You know, it used to be where you could ex you could expect from and I guess I'm talking years back. Well, I don't want to date myself, but back back in the day when people knew guys had clubs and clubs. Okay. Too far. Too far, Professor. I'm gonna give his payback, you realize that. Um but it back in the day, everybody knew their role, everybody knew what to expect, everybody put effort. If the husband worked and brought the brought home the bacon, the wife knew she took care of the kids, the home, and everything else. And it was a it was a respected um partnership that was commitment, and they were committed to each other.

SPEAKER_01 39:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:57

But now you there's no effort.

SPEAKER_01 39:59

No. No. I I and I'm gonna talk about someone we know, not gonna mention any names. Awesome young man. He works his tail off. He's married, has kids, he works every hour. He's got a good job, works at every hour, God sends. So when he's not working, he's not sitting around doing nothing. He's working on his properties, cutting down trees, building fences, doing all types of stuff, cooking for the family. Yeah, he does everything. That type of man is hard to find. Oh, it's they're so rare. And he's a young man.

SPEAKER_03 40:38

Yes, yes, with great work ethics. But you it it's a it's a give and take. Uh for a committed relationship, you have to expect from your partner, and your partner should be able to expect from you. Yes. And effort should be should come from your partner, and effort should uh be placed to your partner.

SPEAKER_01 41:04

If your effort is not joint, and and we're not saying match for match, that's not what we're saying, is if you're putting in and your partner's putting in and you're both communicating, you have great foundation.

SPEAKER_03 41:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 41:17

But if you're putting in and your partner's not putting any communication or anything, or effort, uh effort, yeah, then right there. That's a what? A red flag. Then don't continue this because it's only gonna get worse. Now you can talk about it, you can try and get them to understand what where you where you are and what you're seeing, and if there's no joy, then hey. Yes. Now, if you're already married or whatever, then you know, get some help, whatever. Or if you want to try and get some help. But you know, these are the things that before you even started making this a serious thing. And I just did the finger quotation, by the way. I know, it's terrible, isn't it? But i if you're gonna do the you know, a committed relationship, then you should have already talked about this, you should have already had that talk, the ground rules, what you expect from each other.

SPEAKER_03 42:10

Right. There's nothing wrong with that. No, no, you have to be you have to be clear.

SPEAKER_01 42:14

To be honest, this is what I'm looking for. Right. You know, if you want a man to take care of the household, all these things, then you need this is what you you're looking for. And if a guy's looking for a, you know, when he comes home, he wants to cook meal, wants a woman take care of the house and do laundry or that stuff, then he needs to put that out there. Right, exactly. Don't don't expect that someone's gonna be able to read your mind and say, Oh, well, I thought that was a given. Exactly. Because that's what's why a lot of relationships fail, is they don't talk and they just assume it's a given.

SPEAKER_03 42:51

Right. No, you have to communicate. And the point you j you the points you were just making kind of rolls into this misaligned expectations. People want commitment, but aren't always on the same page as to what that looks like. Yeah. Because the communication isn't there. They want commitment, they want commitment, but they're not on the same page.

SPEAKER_01 43:16

No. And a lot of people's idea of commitment is different.

SPEAKER_03 43:19

It's different. You and like you were saying, Professor, you have to sit down and discuss what you want in the relationship so that both of you are on the same page, both of you know what to expect from each other, and when one wanes away from those expectations, you can pull pull but pull them back and just and sit down and talk about it. And if they don't and say, wait a minute, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:46

And if they don't want to come back and and and work on it, then that might be a red flag. There's a red flag. So there's your sign.

SPEAKER_03 43:56

Yeah, you have to be on the same page of what commitment. Looks like or what you want in a relationship and how you're afraid to say what you want. Right. Right. And sometimes avoiding difficult uh difficult conversations it plays a part. That you absolutely what we're just talking about. You avoid the difficult conversations. And clarity requires honesty. And honesty can feel uncomfortable sometimes. Yes. But it doesn't matter. Uncomfortable or not, if you want a committed relationship, you have to sit down and clarify what you what you both want in the relationship, what you're both expecting to um to come from the relationship or to put into the relationship. Right. Communicate.

SPEAKER_01 44:50

We can't stress that enough. We say all the time. If you're communicating, you're in you're communicating your what you want, your purpose, what you want, what you want to see out of it, so is the other person. So now you have something to go by.

SPEAKER_03 45:05

Right. And you know, sometimes, and I I've had several clients sometimes, and it it weighs on both both uh genders, they're uh they're afraid to stir up their partner. Well, if I if I bring up that he he needs another job or she needs to help out financially, she's gonna get mad, he's gonna get mad, and it's gonna blow up. Well, if that if that happens, you it might not be a healthy relationship if you can't talk to your significant other.

SPEAKER_01 45:42

And if it hasn't happened and you're scared of that, then maybe you need to redevelop because then you're scared to speak up.

SPEAKER_03 45:50

Come on, that's not a relationship. That is not good. That is not good. And then the bottom line is um the question, our initial question, are committed relationships actually rare? They're not rare, they're just more intentional now. People are less willing to stay in unhealthy relationships. And the real shift that's happening to relationships is that commitment today requires awareness, communication, and choice, not just what feels right. Now I'm gonna close and I'm gonna give food for thought.

SPEAKER_01 46:31

Go for it.

SPEAKER_03 46:32

And I'll I'll I'll I'll come back with you with your last word. Commitment committed relationships aren't disappearing, they're becoming more conscious. The challenge isn't finding commitment, it's being ready to participate in it. Because at the end of the day, commitment isn't just about c choosing someone, it's about showing up consistently once you do. Any last words, Professor?

SPEAKER_01 47:01

If you if you want, and I'm gonna use this word want, a committed relationship, then you have to start the relationship off with communication. Yes. What do you want? It's like if you go to a restaurant and you order a steak, do you just pray and hope they're gonna bring out the steak you want? Or do you order what you want? Right. So in a relationship, you should be saying what you want. Right.

SPEAKER_03 47:28

And one of the questions, one of the questions is are you dating just to be dating or or are you looking for a committed relationship? Yeah. You know, I don't know if that would scare someone off at the uh first. Oh well. But yes, if you're just dating just to be dating, I'm looking for a serious relationship, serious committed relationship. So if this isn't what you want, maybe after the third date.

SPEAKER_01 47:53

Yeah, I'm not saying on the very first day, like thank you for saying that.

SPEAKER_03 47:58

Maybe a month or so might might go by and then you can pop the question.

SPEAKER_01 48:02

Because you'll you'll see if this is gonna, you know, after a a couple of dates, you'll see if he's in the you, whatever, and or she's in the you, then that says, Okay, well, I I can see that she's in, he's in the me, or whatever it may be. Then you can have that conversation. Sure. And if the person says, Well, let's just see where it goes, no, we're not gonna just see where it goes, and then you strung me along, and then you're done with me.

SPEAKER_03 48:31

Right. Or if if if the person says, Let's see where it goes, after three months, I would say.

SPEAKER_01 48:38

I think you want to give it a timeline, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 48:40

Give yourself yeah, and you don't even have time, but you give yourself a timeline. You put you put that timer on you, right?

SPEAKER_01 48:47

But don't get too emotionally involved because that's an that's when people find it hard to leave to say, I'm done. Yeah, could could be. You could get involved, but don't get too invested. Right, right. Because you might start seeing red flags and go, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 49:06

Right. You might yeah, you might see something that you don't like and say, okay, I'm out. Just so just give give it a little time. If even if they say, well, you know, let's let's just see where it goes, you know, give yourself a timeline. And once that timeline hits, if nothing has uh transpired from that, then walk. Walk. Don't waste your time.

SPEAKER_01 49:28

And don't fall for the line. Well, uh everything's great. You know, why spoil it? Why spoil it? Yes. Yeah, why why do we have to put something on it?

SPEAKER_03 49:37

Why do we have to fall in something? Yeah, why we have to put a label on it? So yeah, um be careful of that. Now I have a few questions for our listeners that um they can reflect on regarding commitment. Listeners, ask yourself this. Am I open to commitment or just the idea of it? Do my actions match what I say I want? And here's the last question you can ask yourself. Am I leaving too quickly or staying too long in the wrong situations?

SPEAKER_01 50:09

I like it. Yeah. And we can help you answer those questions either us or some other therapist or coach that can help you to answer those questions.

SPEAKER_03 50:20

Right. Tell them about our half hour, our 30-minute.

SPEAKER_01 50:24

Yes. So if you don't know, you do now, we do offer a 30-minute free session to kind of see if this is something you want. So you don't have to pay for anything right away. You can just do a 30-minute free session where we can get talked to you and everything else. And but it doesn't have to be through us. You can go to someone else or whatever. When we're not doing this to build business, we're doing this because we want to help you. So it's either us or someone else. You can go to the website, you can get all ton of information, but our ultimate goal is to help you guys find your way.

SPEAKER_03 51:05

A healthy, fine, health and fine and be in a healthy relationship. And that's why we do the 30-minute uh free consultation to see if if even we're a good fit for each other. Exactly. So uh feel free to use it. And we want to thank you for being part of the relationship coaching group community. And if today's conversation resonated with you, remember that strong relationships don't just happen. They're built with awareness, communication, and the courage to go together. If you have enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow the podcast so you don't miss future conversations about dating, relationships, emotional growth, and building deeper connection. And if you know someone who might benefit from today's topic or just want to share it, just share this episode with someone. And you can find us at relationship coaching group dot com where you'll get all of that information. And until next time, speak your knees clearly, listen without interrupting, and remember, you're not alone. Together, we got this.

SPEAKER_01 52:12

We got you.