"How Many Chances For Cheaters?"

How many chances should you give a cheating partner?  In this thought-provoking episode of our relationship podcast, we dive into one of the most painful and controversial questions in love: "Should you forgive cheating, and if so, how many times?"

We explore the emotional impact of infidelity, why some people cheat, whether cheaters can truly change, and the difference between genuine remorse and repeated toxic patterns, Whether you're recovering from betrayal, trying to rebuild trust after an affair, or questioning if your relationship deserves another chance.  This episode offers honest insights, practical guidance, and compassionate perspective.

We discuss red flags, accountability, boundaries, rebuilding trust, and the hard truth about when forgiveness becomes self-abandonment.  This conversation is for anyone navigating heartbreak, betrayal trauma, marriage struggles, dating after cheating, or difficult relationship decisions.

Tune in as we unpack the question many people struggle to answer: "How many chances is too many?"

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Hello, I'm Marxanne, your host, along with my co-host, the professor. We want to welcome you back to our Relationship Coaching Group podcast, where we stop guessing, start understanding, and figure out what actually works in today's relationships. No fluff, real talk, real tips, real conversations to help you date smarter, communicate better, and figure out how love together. Hello, Professor. Hello, how are you today? I'm doing great. I think I got a little tongue-tied, but I'm good.

SPEAKER_01 0:47

It's been a it's been a busy week.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Yes, it has.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

And trying to help as many people as we can to change their lives.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Along the way, we that's our mission is to help people have healthy relationships, whether it's uh through our podcast or whether it's on greeting meet and greet. Or one-on-one. There you go. There you go. It's good to be good to be here. Well, it's good to be here as well. So, Professor, this is a powerful topic because it sits in the intersection of love, trust, boundaries, forgiveness, and self-respect. And I'm talking about how many chances for cheaters. We're gonna explore the factors that will help decide what's right for you. And before we begin, uh, we just want to let Professor open up and see if uh what do you think about our topic today, Professor?

SPEAKER_01 2:02

Well, first things first, I'm gonna say thank you to our awesome listeners. We love you. Thank you for your support. Thank you. We get so many great emails, and you guys flood us with love and blessings, and we really do appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

And some tricky questions, too. Some tricky questions.

SPEAKER_01 2:22

We have some really good ones.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

But we're we're glad to help, glad to answer anything that any questions that you get, guys meet directly.

SPEAKER_01 2:30

Thank you for those who meet meet up with us and and buy us coffee and hang with us. We we love that. You know, we love our coffee.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

Yeah, and they got some good coffee out here. They do have great coffee, and we do enjoy it, and we do thank you for blessing us in that way. Now, I have a question I want to ask our listeners, and then I'm gonna hear your response to the questions. Okay. So, listeners, you can respond in our in our comments. But the question is if someone cheats once, should the relationship end immediately, or do people deserve a second chance? And if so, how many chances are too many?

SPEAKER_01 3:20

Wow. There there is so much that's like a loaded question because there's so many things that go with that. Yes, you know, as is this a a sneaky behavior, what type of cheating is it? You know, is it uh online? Is this just flirting or whatever it may be? I've already voiced my views on this on a on an uh another episode, but I want to give that there is possibility of fixing, but the thing is how many times you have to put up with it before you say enough is enough.

SPEAKER_00 4:02

Right. And look, we're gonna look at some of the different types of be betrayal. You name some of them, Professor. Physical affairs, physical affairs, emotional affairs, online relationships, and sexting.

SPEAKER_01 4:17

Well, let first, physical affairs. I just want to make sure we uh establish what these are. Just so I listen is understand. Okay. Physical affair, that means You're there. You're knocking boots. It's happened. You are there. This isn't just a kiss and a cuddle. This is knocking boots, you know, uh throwing the drapes around. This is this is it. So you there's no there's no no question. Yeah, you can't say, oh, it it wasn't anything. Yeah, it didn't mean anything. It was a mistake, it just slipped in. You can't use any of those. Right.

SPEAKER_00 4:52

And then you have secret dating apps.

SPEAKER_01 4:55

Yeah, there are secret dating apps. There are maps out there for married couples to cheat.

SPEAKER_00 5:03

To cheat. Yeah, just and then there's repeated flirting that crosses boundaries on social media. Absolutely. Uh changing exchanging numbers and flirting through text and and what have you.

SPEAKER_01 5:19

Let me ask you this, because we've talked about this, we talk about it many times. When uh a woman uploads um pictures of herself online that are very suggestive. Do you consider that to be flirting? Yeah. Absolutely. Because if men are knocking on your door and it's sliding in your DMs, uh yeah, there's a response to your action.

SPEAKER_00 5:46

Now, I have an example. Someone who shared intimate conversations with a co-worker for months may have caused as much damage as a physical affair.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

Just sharing intimate conversations, sharing things what's going on at home or in that household with a coworker. That's that's serious.

SPEAKER_01 6:08

What you call your work wife.

SPEAKER_00 6:10

Yes. Now, does the type of cheating affect whether someone deserves another chance? Let's look into that. A mistake versus a pattern. You ready, Professor? Go ahead. I'm ready for this. One of the biggest factors isn't just what's happened, it's whether it's a recurring behavior. Signs that may have been gone uh have have been been a one-time mistake. There are signs that, okay, well, it was just a one-time mistake. It wasn't uh repeatedly, it wasn't a repeated pattern. You have intimate honesty. This is when you know that person is remorseful, genuine remorse, willingness to answer difficult questions, taking responsibility without excuses. Now there are signs that it's more likely than not a pattern. What I just shared with you was that okay, that this may have been a one-time mistake, but now we're gonna show signs that this is a pattern of behavior. Multiple incidences. Repeated lying.

SPEAKER_01 7:21

But there are multiple uh incidences that people don't realize. Those taking the phone call into the bathroom, you know, it's gotta take that call where you're on the toilet, where you've got to go out to go outside with the dog, you know. And you may have got away with it, but over time those things show up.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

It it you're gonna get caught.

SPEAKER_01 7:45

Right.

SPEAKER_00 7:46

And repeated lying, blaming their partner, promises followed by more cheating.

SPEAKER_01 7:53

What's the first thing they do when they get caught? They switch over and they put the blame on their buttons. Well, this is your fault. Right. How is it their or his or her fault?

SPEAKER_00 8:06

Or a partner who says, It meant nothing after the third affair. That sounds like a pattern to me. What about you, Professor?

SPEAKER_01 8:14

Oh, absolutely. After the third, it meant nothing. You've you've jumped the fence three times. Yeah, that's a pattern.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

Yeah. Yeah. Eventually your your pants will get torn. Yeah. You keep jumping the same fence. That's right. That means you're gonna get caught. Then there's remorse versus regret. Let's see what that looks like. And here's a tip for free. I'm I'm offering this for free. Many people regret getting caught, but fewer people truly feel remorse. Now, this is what regret sounds like. I don't want to lose you. Now, how many of you have heard that line? Now, this is what remorse sounds like. I understand the pain that I've caused. I'm sorry, and I'm willing to do the work to repair it. Not just, I don't want to lose you. No, they they they don't want to lose you, and they don't want to lose her, they don't want to lose her, and they don't or they don't want to lose him, him, and him.

unknown 9:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

But you know when someone's absolutely remorseful that they will be genuine in what they say and they will show proof of change.

SPEAKER_01 9:27

And sometimes cheaters is not one person. They may be seeing multiple people.

SPEAKER_00 9:33

Right, exactly. You may just caught you may just caught one of their exact um what what do what do you what do you call one of their little side pieces? They're indiscretion. Very good. One of their little So the question is, can a relationship heal without genuine remorse? Do you think a relationship can heal with without genuine remorse?

SPEAKER_01 9:59

No. You've gotta have remorse. You've gotta you've And it has to be genuine. It has to be genuine, and you have to show it. You have to show it. You have to you literally, who uh whether it's a man or a woman, you literally have to do some major butt kissing to make this right. Yeah, yes, and you have to be consistent and you can't just do this. We've said this before in in another podcast, you can't just do this for a week or a month or six months down the road and say, well, you gotta get over it. No.

SPEAKER_00 10:32

Right. Right. And the cost of rebuilding trust, trust isn't restored by promises. It's rebuilt through consistent positive behavior over time. Just what you're saying, professor it's not gonna the trust won't be built in a day or a week. Um it's gonna take time to real rebuild that trust. So if that person is willing to do what it takes and stay in the relationship and suffer the consequences, then you might have a chance. Yes. Now, here's some tips that might help. Both have to agree to be transparent with phones and social media. If you want to make uh uh rebuild that trust, then both have to agree to be transparent with the phones and and their social media, know know their passwords and know, you know, that you can go ahead, check check my social media.

SPEAKER_01 11:32

There there's this check my phone. There's this, I I called it uh a few months back, and there's a guy, and he I don't know how real it is, but he will say, you know, the dating, do you trust your your partner? Can she look at your phone or can he look at it? Oh yeah, I've seen some of those. And they go and say, Well, no, my phone's broken, or it doesn't work. There was a couple, they were married for quite a while, and she would let him go through the phone. And he he we'll talk about this when we get home, he's what he said. You know, yeah, I've I've I've seen those. If your partner can't look in your phone and you don't have that trust, then and and I want to hear people say, Well, it's it's my private phone. Uh, if you're living together and you're together, then there's nothing that's private.

SPEAKER_00 12:23

Yeah, right. If if you're in a committed, yeah, committed relationship.

SPEAKER_01 12:28

Together, you're then sharing together and a committed relationship, there's no privacy. No.

SPEAKER_00 12:35

You should be able to pick up your partner's phone and if if it's nearby, if there's a phone coming in, or if you need to use it. You you should know passwords.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

My my partner can pick up my phone at any time. There's many times when she says, Oh, can I borrow your phone? Yeah. Now we respect each other. I just don't pick up a phone. I don't just go on a Paris or anything like that. I was asked. Right. Out of respect. Right.

SPEAKER_00 12:59

But I trust. So you have to have that trust. Same, same here. Same here. And then tips that might help to to kind of repair the trust. Maybe couple's counseling. Maybe, maybe, maybe see, go go to a a couple's counseling, whether it's a therapist, whether it's a coach, a relationship coach, and we offer these services too. Just if both of you are willing to get get the help. And also you've got to be committed to the help.

SPEAKER_01 13:30

Definitely. You can't go one session and go, oh, this is crap. This is this is I'm not getting anything. No, it takes time. The damage is lasting. Right.

SPEAKER_00 13:42

It's not going to be fixed over a weekend. And if if the partner, the hurt partner or yeah, the crushed partner, if they're expecting you to follow through with counseling and you say no, and you're the one who damaged the relationship, then something's wrong. Something's not right. You're not willing to go the extra mile to repair and to get your side.

SPEAKER_01 14:08

Yep. Put your shoes on and run, girl, run. Because that person's not, or whether it's a man or a woman, they're not committed to fixing.

SPEAKER_00 14:16

Exactly. And you have to have open communications and patience with the healing process. Like I said, it's gonna take time.

SPEAKER_01 14:24

Mega patience because the damage that is done, it is so deep rooted. Right. Because breaking trust, even if you were just friends and you broke a trust with a friend, it is yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:42

It it it's it's it takes time and it does take effort to repair that. Now here's an example. The betrayed partner may need time, months or years. It it depends on the offense. So before trust can be given to the betrayer, it's going to take time. You know, you've betrayed someone, you betrayed that trust. So bear with the partner who needs time to heal and do the work to help them heal, correct?

SPEAKER_01 15:13

Listen, in other countries, they chop your hand off if you steal something. Medieval times you betray the trust of your king or whoever, they chop your head off. Right. So you're lucky today because then all that happens. But that that level of respect, that's where emotional responsibility takes effect. Yes. Do you have the respect, the confidence? Do you are you a man with worth? Right. Or a woman, are you a woman with worth? Yes. And caring and civility. If you don't have those, then yeah, there's no point. Right. But yes, you it can be fixed, but a lot of people don't want to put the work and await the time. A lot of them will start off and then they're like, well, it was a long time ago. Doesn't matter how long ago you did the damage, you've got to give them time to heal.

SPEAKER_00 16:14

And deal with the consequences of your partner healing. Now, here's some reasons why people give multiple chances. Now, some of you listen listeners may be able to relate to this. One, because of love, because of shared children. And again, reason another some other reasons people give multiple chances, financial dependence or fear of starting over. It it's it it it really takes uh um a strong heart to know when um when to let go. You know, how many chances is too many chances.

SPEAKER_01 16:54

That's the hardest thing for people to do is to let go because they they always see the good before they see the bad, and they think that they can they can make it work, they can make it work. You want to make it work, but the other person doesn't want to put the effort in.

SPEAKER_00 17:11

Right. So yeah, you you have to be aware of of signs and wonders, as they say. That's for self-worth. You gotta have self-worth. Doesn't matter, man, woman, gotta have self-worth. Right. And people also may may give multiple chances because they hope for a change. And I have a breakdown for the acronym HOPE. They hope for honesty, they hope for openness, they hope for patience, and they hope for effort. They these are things that they that they hope for. And the last point that I want to make as to why people give multiple chances is probably for religious or cultural reasons. Yes. The values, beliefs, and practices, sometimes it's because of that their belief system won't allow uh them for a breakup, especially if they're married. I mean, you know, it especially and mainly as a married couple, religion may take a play a big part.

SPEAKER_01 18:16

That's where, you know, um, and we see this in our in our offices, and that is the cultural difference when you're marrying somebody different. So if you're marrying someone that is um you're Indian and the other person's Russian or Persian, whatever it may be, there is cultural differences. Those play a big part. Cultural and religious differences. Right, right. And and if you're gonna enter in a relationship with cultural differences, you gotta talk about it beforehand. What is expected from either one of them?

SPEAKER_00 18:53

Right, definitely. Now, here's something to think about. Now, I I wouldn't totally agree with some of my colleagues who say that people who give multiple chances are weak. I would question whether the chance they're given is being earned or just given with no consequences. Now, if you have no consequences, uh then you're gonna keep keep expecting the same thing to happen. Yeah. I mean, it's just like a child. If if you keep letting a child sneak candy and you know they're sneaking candy bef before bedtime, and you turn a blind eye, they'll keep grabbing that candy, won't they, Professor? Absolutely. Yeah. Now there is a difference between forgiveness and accepting repeated disrespect. There's a difference between forgiveness and accepting repeated dis disrespect. Here's some clues. Remember blues clues? Here's some here's some blues clues. That you are ext the clues that you're being punished with being disrespected. Because if you you allow yourself to be disrespected, then you're allowing this behavior to go on.

SPEAKER_01 20:08

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 20:09

To continue.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

You got there comes there has to be a point in in your relationship when this happens, when you got to say, I'm done, or I'm gonna work on it. But if you don't address it early, the signs, and you just leak let it keep going, then the longer you're saying, I'm putting up with it.

SPEAKER_00 20:32

Right. And that you're accepting being punished with being disrespected.

SPEAKER_01 20:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 20:38

That's what happened. You're you're allowing yourself to be punished with disrespect because you're allowing the pay behavior to continue on and on. Here's here's clue one. Repeated cheating. This is these are punishments that that you're allowing. Clue two, many broken promises. Clue three, gaslighting. I wouldn't have gone outside our relationship if you would give me more attention or affection. Clue four, not taking accountability. Here's a clue five, always acting suspicious. Now, here I'm gonna give you some examples. If someone has been given the a fifth or sixth chance, and you're seeing zero change, then you may be sacrificing your peace, sacrificing your happiness and your well-being, all for the sake of keeping or staying in a relationship that's not benefiting you, that's hurting you, that's disrespecting you.

SPEAKER_01 21:43

That's unhealthy.

SPEAKER_00 21:45

Yes, and we do not want you to be in an unhealthy relationship.

SPEAKER_01 21:50

If you're in an unhealthy relationship, it affects you in every single way mentally, physically, emotionally. You can't even function.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

Right. Now let's look at whether couples can recover from a breach in the relationship. The answer is yes. Some do when the work is put towards building trust back with your partner when you're the one who messed up. So, yes, relationships can be rebuilt if the work is uh put back into the relationship. Now, or when the work and effort towards rebuilding, it should look like this. You must bring complete honesty, you have to be accountable for your actions, you must put in consistent effort, and you must put in the time. You have to put in the time. That's when you know that that someone is working towards rebuilding.

SPEAKER_01 22:53

If you're putting more work into your job than your relationship, yeah, you got a problem.

SPEAKER_00 23:00

Yes. Yes. So listen to this. Please, please, please. When gets when needed, get some couples coaching or counseling. And we do offer, Professor, we do offer a half hour of free counseling just to get them, just to get them started.

SPEAKER_01 23:23

Half an hour for us to sit with you one-on-one, fre help you to figure it out.

SPEAKER_00 23:29

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 23:29

And from there you can go from there.

SPEAKER_00 23:31

Yeah. It's free. It's free. It's free. But you have to you need to get you need to get some help. If you want to stay in a relationship but you don't know how to move forward, that's what we're here for. Uh just to help bring back maybe uh the the the trust to help build the trust with you and to see where you want to go. Now for our listeners, we want to give you a few tips if you're considering giving another chance. Don't rush the decision. Look at the actions, don't just listen to the words. Set clear and specific boundaries. State exactly what needs to change. Again, consider couples coaching or counseling. Be honest with yourself about what you can and cannot forgive. And lastly, remember just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to take them back.

SPEAKER_01 24:30

Absolutely. And I just want to say that we're talking about cheating, stuff like that. We're not talking about abuse, mental or physical. At that point, you need to get out. Right. Get out. And if you need help getting out, we're happy to point you in the direction where you can get out. But you need to get out. But yeah. Plain and simple. We're not talking about that. We're just talking about dated, marriage, stuff like that, with no physical or mental abuse. Cheating. Cheating. Cheating. Well, which is a form of mental abuse, but you know, not the type that we're we're talking about. But at that point, that's when you gotta check out and go. But for your cheaters that want to think the grass is greener on the other side and step out, and then when they want to come back, there has to be ground rules. And that's where people like us come in and help you establish those ground rules.

SPEAKER_00 25:30

Exactly. Now here are a few questions for our listeners that that you can answer in the comments. The first one is Is cheating a deal breaker? And could you forgive a one-time affair? And lastly, how many chances for you are too many? You can hit us in hit us up in the comments, and I hope you're taking notes. Now, Professor, I'm going to give a final thought and I'll come back to you. But listen to this, listeners. When someone breaks your trust, the real question isn't whether they deserve another chance. The deeper question to ask yourself is whether their actions have given you a reason to believe the next chapter will be different from the previous chapter. Now remember this relationships don't heal through promises, they heal through consistent positive patterns. And if you hear if you hear some noise in the background, we're they're doing construction out there in a studio here and right outside the construction.

SPEAKER_01 26:38

So we apologize. Yes. Yes. I'll try and remove as much as I can.

SPEAKER_00 26:42

Right. Okay. Now, Professor, do you have any any last words?

SPEAKER_01 26:49

Cheating is not okay. Whatever level is that. No, because one party gets hurt. Right. Now, actually it could be even two parties. It could be the person that you're cheating on and the person you're cheating with because they might not know about the other one. Yes. So multiple get hurt. But the if you want to step out, then you need to talk to your partner and say, this is not working. I'm ready to leave. Right, right. Be be honest. Be honest. Be honest. I would rather you do that than step out, act the fall, and then you want to come crawling back because you realize going on the stepping on the grass on the other side wasn't that good because you realize it wasn't grass, it's weeds. Right.

SPEAKER_00 27:41

Okay, now in closing, we want to thank each and every one of you for being here, and thank you for allowing us to be part of your relationship journey. And if this episode resonated with you, please like, follow, and download. Also, share it with someone who may benefit from this podcast. And you can find us at relationshipcoaching group.com where you can email us if you have any questions or comments, or just want to learn about the different services we offer. So until next time, take care of yourselves and remember, healthy relationships are not built on fear or control, but from a place of understanding, trust, respect, and intentional choices. So remember, you're not alone. Together, we got this. We got you.