"What Does Emotional Intelligence Look Like?"

In this episode of our relationship podcast, we explore what, "emotional intelligence" really looks like in dating, friendships, and long-term relationships.  Is emotional intelligence the new green flag everyone is talking about, and why does it matter so much?

We break down the key signs of emotional intelligence, including self-awareness, empathy, healthy communication, emotional regulation, accountability, and conflict resolution.  Learn how emotionally intelligent people handle difficult conversations, express needs without blame, and build stronger, healthier connections.

Whether you're dating, healing from past relationships, or working to improve your current partnership, this episode offers practical relationship advice and real-life examples to help you recognize emotional maturity, both in yourself and in others.  Tune in to discover why emotional intelligence may be one of the most attractive and essential qualities for lasting love.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Hello, I'm Roxanne, your host, and I'm here with my co-host, the professor. And welcome to Relationship Coaching Group, where we stop guessing, start understanding, and figuring out what actually works in today's relationships. No fluff, real talk, real tips, real conversations to help you date smarter, communicate better, and figure out love together. I want to welcome my co-host. Hello, Professor.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

Hello there. How are you today?

SPEAKER_00 0:45

I'm doing wonderfully well, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 0:47

Great, great, great. So, uh, what you got for us today? Oh, before we start, I've got to uh say a big thank you to all our listeners. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Yep, thank you for all the love and support you guys show us. And um I gotta say a big shout out to Mr. Johnny. I know you're listening. Thank you for buying us some coffee. We were in a coffee shop and he bought us coffee. We love our coffee oh much. That helps us get going and he listened to our podcast. So thank you. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

All right, what's coffee is always appreciated. And welcome to it. Yes, absolutely. Well, today we're gonna be looking at a very current topic. It's the talk of the town, it's about emotional intelligence.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

Oh, yeah, that that subject comes up 24-7.

SPEAKER_00 1:43

Yes. And I'm gonna get started and kind of explain it a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

Fire away.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

Emotional intelligence isn't about being perfect or endlessly agreeable. It's about understanding emotions, regulating them, and responding with awareness rather than impulse. Professor, you want to know what emotional intelligence looks like in the dating world? I would love to. Okay. Well, people often say they want to partner with emotional intelligence. You hear that often, don't you, Professor?

SPEAKER_01 2:18

I hear it every day.

SPEAKER_00 2:20

But what does that actually mean? Is it someone who communicates well? Is it someone who never gets angry? Someone deeply self-aware. Today we're unpacking what emotional intelligence really looks like in dating, in relationships, and in everyday life. And if you hear a little background noise, uh there's a little construction going on out there, but we're just gonna speak louder, right?

SPEAKER_01 2:47

Exactly. Yeah, it's uh you guys know that we travel around a lot and we're actually in a uh studio here. Uh where we are in Vietnam today.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

And there's a lot of construction going on. So so if you hear me speaking too loud, just give me a sign, Professor. Yeah, don't so let's let's give a breakdown of what emotional intelligence is. It's simply defined as emotional intelligence. And Professor, it's the ability to, and I know you know this, but I like to call on your name. It's the ability to, but listen, listeners, to recognize your own emotions. It's the ability to understand what triggers them and to manage emotional reactions. And also it gives you the ability to read other people's emotional states and respond with empathy and maturity. Any statements, Professor?

SPEAKER_01 3:49

Statements? Oh, you know you because you look at him like, oh no, he's ready to go. This is one of these topics that we deal with every single day. Yes. It's a growing It's grow because they throw this around now because it's become this trendy thing to say. Yes. It's always been there. We're just we've dressed it up and called it differently. Right. And really in a nutshell, it it's self-regulation. It's self-regulation, it's the capacity to manage and uh adapt your emotional feelings.

SPEAKER_00 4:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:32

And with society today, it's become normal for us to behave in a certain manner, for us to blurt it out. You see, every day someone's angry at their partner, they're in a coffee shop and they're blurting it out, you know, you're a B-I-C-T, you're this, you're that. I mean, we we say it like it's normal language. Right. And it's not. Right. It's having control, right? It's having control. It when you learn to self-regulate yourself, that shows your character. It shows your strength, it shows your worth when you can self-regulate.

SPEAKER_00 5:12

That's good. That's good. That's good. Now I want to talk to a high IQ. You know, people would tell me, oh, what's your IQ? A high IQ helps you solve problems, correct? Right, Professor? No, but I have a high IQ. Okay. That's fine. Moving on. You're very smart. So but now don't get me wrong, a high IQ is wonderful. But this is why someone with emotional intelligence, which goes as EQ, is highly sought after in the current dating scene and those looking for a committed relationship. Because having emotional intelligence helps you, just as you were saying, Professor, it helps you manage your emotions. It helps you communicate effectively and empathize with others and handle conflict better. It also empowers you to navigate everyday challenges smoothly.

SPEAKER_01 6:09

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 6:10

Not like a crazy person.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

And and that's the thing. It it all boils down to self-regulation. Yes, yes. You communication, and we say this all the time in podcasts, and in our count in our coaching and everything, learn to control your feelings. Yes, and emotions. And emotions and speak clearly, speak with intent, and you'll be surprised what can happen. We've said this before when you're first starting out dating, ask questions, learn about because you if you go by just looks alone, you're pretty much gonna get burned. Because there's more to someone that just then looks, exactly. Exactly. The problem is today we focus so much on looks instead of what's and what's inside of them, yes, and how they behave and right new how they're behaving, how they're they're current. You hear that noise in the back?

SPEAKER_00 7:13

This is Vietnam.

SPEAKER_01 7:16

Um it's a guy selling stuff on a bike going by. But you have to have control. Definitely. A real man will have or a real woman. A real woman will have control, yeah, will be able to regulate themselves, control their emotions, speak with intelligence. Right. And you can see those things as you're dating.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

Right, right. And and instead of saying real man, real, a grown-up man or a grown-up woman learns to control their emotions. And this is why the the trend of I want someone who's emotionally intelligent comes to play. And let me break it down even more why people are looking for a partner with high EQ or emotional intelligence, commonly referred as, as I said, EQ is commonly referred to referred as emotionally intelligence. In relationships, being emotionally intelligent, it helps to develop trust. Yes. They handle disagreements constructively, they understand other people's needs, and they stay calm under pressure. And most importantly, Professor, they can control impulsive feelings, like they don't just lash out, they learn how to control their feelings and emotions. Very important for today's uh relationship to last. Uh for a lasting relationship.

SPEAKER_01 8:53

And it's life today has got harder because we're striving for bigger things. We want more. Uh the with social media, the world world has opened up, so we want more things, we want this, we want that. And so we have a lot of stress. That stress overflows into your personal life. Right. It builds up, it builds up. That's where the self-regulation comes in.

SPEAKER_00 9:22

Exactly. And that's why emotional intelligence or having a high EQ is important to those seeking, listen, not just any relationship, but a serious relationship.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

Absolutely. We we tell we tell uh when we're in coaching or groups or anything like that, we tell people when your partner comes home, let them vent for a minute, put the phone aside, and then that's it. Cut it off. Don't bring it all home, dump it and keep going on about it. Have your moment, get it out, vent, and then let it go. If you need to. If you need to know, but that's again, that's where that uh emotional intelligence comes in to be able to self-regulate. You come from for example, we've known each other a long time. Yes. We don't always agree. No. But we have respect for each other. Right.

SPEAKER_00 10:19

You know, they're saying we agree to disagree, we don't badger each other if we have different opinions. Uh everybody's entitled to theirs.

SPEAKER_01 10:29

And that's that's from learning about yourself, being comfortable in yourself, right, being strong in who you are, having courage, having wisdom, having all those things that you should carry around with you, and that should be your toolbox to success.

SPEAKER_00 10:48

And a successful relationship relationship. Now, I hope our listeners are taking notes because I'm giving them some great pointers to the things to look out, and maybe for them to uh be able to gauge their um their target on someone who's emotionally intelligent or wanting someone who's emotionally intelligent, they'll know what to look for. They'll they'll know some of the signs. And not just their partner, but themselves. Well, yeah, oh yeah. That's right. If they're the ones that are expect your partner to be, and you're not. Exactly, because they may be the one our listeners, you may be if if your partner isn't blowing off or or popping off at at at little little things, you might be the one. So so I hope I hope you're all taking notes. Because now here's the thing: people with high EQ or emotional, emotionally intelligent, can actually say exactly how they're feeling. They don't just say, Oh, you say, you know, how you doing? Oh, I'm fine, or what's wrong? Is something wrong? It's all good. And another saying is, uh, you you know, we didn't get to do what we wanted to do, and then they say, Well, it is what it is, you know. High EQ folks go deeper. They may say, Well, I feel as though you're not taking me serious, or I feel a little anxious, or I I'm feeling a little hurt by what you said or by what you did, or I don't think you're hearing me, and I feel overwhelmed. And that leads into a discussion because if you, Professor, if you would tell me, you know, I'm I'm feeling hurt by what you said. Well, what did I say? You know, I'm I'm sorry if I hurt you, but tell me what I said so that I won't do that again.

SPEAKER_01 12:45

That's how a real conversation goes. And you regulate your tone. Right. You regulate your volume. You know, uh regulation looks like you know, you take a breath before you react to a stressful situation. You think objectively and you adapt well to changing circumstances. Yes, yes, good. To be able to adapt. You know, I I always think that people who can solve problems, good problem solvers, they tend to have good emotional stability. And communication. Communication. Yeah, that's true, true. That is true. Because they think beyond. Yes. Instead of reacting. When you're a good problem solver, you're thinking about how to fix, how to make this better. That's good. You know, in a relationship and everything else. Uh in today, when looking for a partner, you want to look for a partner that's going to match. Again, it's not just looks. Right. You know, uh I'm gonna quote one of my favorites, Judge Judy, Yudi phase, but dumb is forever.

SPEAKER_00 13:52

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:53

Yeah. And that that is a fact. You know, we you could be as beautiful as they come, but if you don't have enough cheese on your cracker, then hey.

SPEAKER_00 14:04

Oh wow, I haven't heard that cheese enough cheese on your cracker. If if you don't, if you don't look at have self-awareness. Absolutely. Look inside. And you know, if you're going from person to person, person, it might be you. So there may be some things we have to keep learning. We can't just say, okay, I have my de my master's degree in physiology and stop learn and stop there because a lot of times you won't even use what you what you've learned in school because it's there's another education and it's a worldly education light. Exactly. Now, Professor, kind of piggybacking on what you said about um um what what you what you just said.

SPEAKER_01 14:52

Oh, so for so it looks like you take a breath before reacting in stressful situations, you think objectively, and adapt well to changing circumstances.

SPEAKER_00 15:03

Yes. So I'm gonna give a tip for free. Okay, this is for free. And I really hope you listeners are taking notes. This tip is you can't communicate effectively if you don't understand what you're feeling. Many conflicts aren't caused by anger, they're caused by misunderstood hurt. Because again, going back, if you just say, you know, what's wrong with you? I'm I'm fine, I'm fine. Or, you know, you look like you had a bad day. It's all good. It's all good. And like Professor said, it's how you say it. How can I communicate with that type of language? That type of there's anger in there, and I shut down. I'm not gonna speak with you if you're coming to me. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. You have to learn. That's why emotional intelligence is important because you have to be, if you want a long-lasting relationship, whether you're married or whether you're single and and you you're looking for a long-term relationship or you're in one and want it to last, you got to keep learning. You gotta keep learning about self and trying to make and trying to make yourself better, right?

SPEAKER_01 16:15

Because I always tell people, if you want to see how you are, the other side of that is social awareness. Yes. If you're single or you're looking, you need to look at social awareness, and that's the ability to pick up on the um the accuracy, the interpret, the emotions, the needs, the concerns of others. Right. You gotta be able to pick up on that.

SPEAKER_00 16:36

Right.

SPEAKER_01 16:37

And you are good at reading social cues, listening, actively understanding where others are coming from. So you're not always, it's not about you all the time.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

That's part of being having high EQ. Go ahead, go ahead, Professor.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

So you're you're when you're out and about meeting people, ask them questions. Oh, so what do you do? You know? Oh, that's real good. Tell me more about that. And that's you're showing somebody that you're interested in them. It's not always about you, what I got, what I do, what I want, and that is social awareness. Yeah. And and also listening with intent because you could be meet someone and you're talking, and they're saying, but you're not listening because they're you're not reading between the lines. They may have lost someone, they may have uh be going through a tough time right now, and you're the voice that they needed to hear. Right. So social awareness, yes, that's where you start. Being em empathetic, yeah. So if you can behave and bring up your social awareness, then your emotional awareness becomes even stronger. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 17:55

Now, I have an an example of showing someone with maybe a low EQ and someone with a high EQ. Let's say your partner forgets to text back. Now, someone with a low EQ would probably say, with an attitude, you obviously don't care about me, but someone with a high EQ would probably say, you know, I was getting a little worried when I didn't hear from you. Now that right there changes everything. Emotional intelligence takes ownership of their response to conflict. They don't say, you made me angry or you ruined my mood. They would say, I felt hurt by what you said, and I feel as though I let you down. It's it's how you communicate.

SPEAKER_01 18:48

Absolutely. I like to call that relationship management. Yeah, that's good. And that's the ability to use your understanding of emotions to communicate clearly, build strong bonds, and resolve conflict.

SPEAKER_00 19:04

Yes. And you know, it's important to know that people with high EQ, it doesn't mean that they're nice all the time. They do still say no, you know. Oh yeah. They have boundaries. They may say something like this I care about you, but your behavior is unacceptable. So they're letting you know exactly what's bothering them, or what they don't like, or they what they would like maybe to change in the relationship.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

Your words should be inspiring.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 19:40

You should be influencing, you should be lifting, not putting someone down. Right. And it's it's all on your tone, on how you say it, and your facial expression. One of the things I I'm not I don't like texting. Get on the phone because I want to hear your voice. I want to hear the concerns, I want to hear how you sound. Because on that I know I can hear what's happening in your voice. Right. Uh uh smiley emoji doesn't do anything for me. I want to hear your voice. You know, and we've we've come so disconnected from communicating with each other that people hold long conversation. I got a long text this morning. I said, don't text me that, call me. So, you know, again, the society has changed how we communicate. We need to get back to talking and communicating. We've said this before. We've been out and we're at restaurants and we're watching people, and you see them both on their phone and haven't said a word to each other.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

Yep, they'll even put a video on while eating with their family member or is or partner. Yeah, yeah, they're they're watching, they're watching the video.

SPEAKER_01 20:52

Emotional intelligence is is so much, but don't throw the word around and use that as your battle cry.

SPEAKER_00 21:03

Know what it means, and that's why we're we're having this sub this uh topic going on because we want to make sure that everyone understands because it is thrown around a lot. And we just want everybody to be clear, not only for what you're looking for, but for who you are as well.

SPEAKER_01 21:22

And I I'm you got me watching this show, the pop the thing. I don't want to mention the show, but you know, pop the whatever. And I love it when these women say, Oh, I want someone with emotional intelligence, and then you go down the line and your disrespectful root I don't like your shoes. I don't like your belt, don't like your hair. And wait a minute, you just demanded emotional intelligence from someone, but yet your behavior is the total opposite. Right. So don't throw that word around. This is why uh you don't behave it yourself.

SPEAKER_00 21:57

That's good, that's good. And if You're looking for uh someone with high IQ, high EQ, sorry. Uh I'm gonna give some signs of people with low EQ and high EQ. Fire away. Low emotional intelligence, people that are lacking in emotional intelligence, they're defensive when they don't agree with you. Oh, yes, yes, yes. And they they they do the that love bombing where they just kind of throw love or throw everything at you at one time and then they'll d dismiss you. They're because they're not consistent in communication, nor are they consistent with their actions. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 22:41

Preach it.

SPEAKER_00 22:41

Yep. And they don't have the ability to apologize. Yes. They do not apologize for anything. And and that's because they're their communication is hot and cold.

SPEAKER_01 22:56

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 22:56

You don't know where when they're gonna pop off or you know when they're gonna explode. But okay, now here's signs of someone with high EQ. They're consistent, they're accountable. They not only hear you, but they listen. Yes. They're their emotional level pretty much remains consistent. So these are these are people you can depend on. If they say, I'm gonna be here at two o'clock, I'll pick you up at two o'clock, they are there five minutes early just to make sure they're not late.

SPEAKER_01 23:31

Right.

SPEAKER_00 23:32

If they say they're gonna do something, they do it. You can depend on them. And you don't have to worry that if you say something wrong, that they're gonna just blow up. Now, here's a tip for free. You ready, professor?

SPEAKER_01 23:45

Far away.

SPEAKER_00 23:46

Attraction gets the attention, but emotional intelligence builds safety. Many people are attracted to excitement, but stay in love with emotional safety. Yes. All that I said about high EQ is people that you can depend on, people that are consistent, people that uh they don't just blow up for any little thing.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 24:16

So emotional intelligence people create safety because you don't have to wonder. You don't have to wonder, are they gonna explode over the least little thing or comment that what I what we're just talking about? Just want to reiterate these things. Uh they they will try to, they I'm sorry, they will shut down or leave because we had an agreement. You don't have to wonder if they're gonna shut down, you don't have to wonder if they're gonna leave b just because you you had a disagreement. They'll be there. Instead, they will make you feel secure enough to be yourself, and that's a great feeling to be able to be yourself.

SPEAKER_01 24:55

Uh and I don't know if you remember we did a uh group session a couple weeks ago, and the lady stood up and she said that, and he was sitting right there, said that the other day they had an argument and she went off and berating him out in public, and she said, He just walked away. And what did I say? I said, That's a man that is self-regulated. Yes. And she said, Well, what does that mean? Because he said, I'm going to remove myself from here, from this situation before it gets out of control. Yes. That's self-regulated. Yes. He's not because she's saying, Well, that's weak. And I'm like, that's not a weak man. That's a strong man that could regulate himself and say, I'm going to remove myself from this situation before it gets out of control. That's good. And she just looked at me like I was crazy.

SPEAKER_00 25:52

And she doesn't realize that he's keeping her safe from blowing up, from and making her look a fool. Right. Right. And undoubtedly she's unaware that feeling safe, it it creates deeper intimacy.

SPEAKER_01 26:11

Absolutely. When you're safe with your partner, we're not talking about cuddled up at home and watching Netflix and chill. That's not what we're talking about. Safe. That means no matter where you are, you're comfortable and you know that you're safe emotionally, physically, everything. That you literally feel that person's arms around when you when you're not together. That's good. That's safety. That's a safety net. Yes. Where you know that when I come home or you go home, that someone's going to be there to hear your pain. Whatever you went through for the day, you didn't get that promotion or whatever. And they're there, they listen to you, and they say, Hun, we got this. Yes, yes. Or you say to your man, honey, we got this. That's good. That that's being aware emotionally. Yes. And we have to start working on that because more and more relationships are dying because we're so quick to react instead of self-regulating.

SPEAKER_00 27:16

That's good. That's good. And again, we just hope that you're taking notes of this because if you're interested to improve and build your emotional intelligence muscle, here are some tips. First, be self-aware, recognize your emotions, as professor's been saying. Manage those emotions and behaviors. Have empathy for others. Brush up on your social skills. Now, this is an important one. Pause before reacting. Yes, take that breath. Yes. Pause before reacting and practice active listening. Don't just hear, hear your partner. Listen to them.

SPEAKER_01 28:02

And feel. Yes. Listen, not just with your ears, with your mind, with your soul, with your heart. Listen, watch their lips, listen, focus, feel everything they're saying.

SPEAKER_00 28:15

Yes. And if you're questioning your emotional intelligence, ask yourself: do I react or respond? Can I apologize sincerely? Do people feel emotionally safe around me? Yes. What you just said. How do I handle criticism? And can I communicate my needs clearly? If you need space, don't just say leave me alone. Just leave me alone. That's not communicating. No, you're just dismisses this. Yes, I need some time. If sometimes you come home from work, whether it's it's the woman or the man, you come home from work and um your partner wants to just smother you with hugs and kisses and you had a rough day. Don't just say, Leave me alone. You just say, honey.

SPEAKER_01 29:06

What do you say, Professor? What do you say? Just say, honey, thank you. Just give me a moment, let me calm down. Just want to go sit on the bed, just want to chill for a minute.

SPEAKER_00 29:16

That's how you do it. That's how you say it. That's how you do it.

SPEAKER_01 29:19

You don't have to say, stop, don't touch back. And then how do you expect your man to love you after that? Yeah. Come on. Yeah, yeah, he may not touch you the rest of the night.

SPEAKER_00 29:30

Because he doesn't know what the hell? What you can't communicate with? Yes. Respect. Speak clearly. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 29:37

Yeah. And if you don't know how to do it, go to our website, send us an email, and we'll help you fix it.

SPEAKER_00 29:45

That's right. We we're there to help you. Now, in closing, let me say this: emotional intelligence isn't about perfection, it's about awareness. It's about learning to sit with discomfort without letting it control you. And in relationships, emotional intelligence may be one of the most attractive qualities because it creates something we all crave: emotional safety. We've been saying that throughout the podcast. Now, one last thing, Professor. We often ask whether someone is our type. But maybe the better question question is, listeners, I hope you're you're hearing us. Are they emotionally safe enough for us to be fully ourselves around them? Because chemistry may start a relationship, but emotional intelligence often determines whether it survives. Yes. Let me say that again. Chemistry may start a relationship, but emotional intelligence often determines whether it survives.

SPEAKER_01 30:58

Absolutely. Absolutely. You couldn't have said it any more beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 31:03

Why thank you? Do you have any last pointers for our listeners?

SPEAKER_01 31:08

Listeners, we want you to have an amazing relationship. If we can help you with that, we're happy to do it. But don't wait until the damage is so bad that it can't be fixed. Yeah. Fix it now while you can. Because the longer you keep disrespecting each other and not loving each other and not showing each other emotional security, then there comes a point where it's not fixable. And that's happening more than you can imagine.

SPEAKER_00 31:46

Yes. Yes. And Professor, and I know you're with me. We want to thank each and every one of you for being here and thank you for allowing us to be part of your journey. And if this episode resonates with you, please like, follow, and download. Also, share with someone who may benefit from this podcast. And you can find us at relationshipcoachinggroup.com, where you can email us if you have questions or comments or just want to learn about the services we offer. So until next time, take care of your heart, protect your peace, and keep choosing relationships that help you grow. And remember, you're not alone. Together, we got this.