SPEAKER_02

I can't spread my wings cause I'm indoors. Social mods. Sorry. What?

SPEAKER_01

I forgot. He's called it in his mic. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Hello, welcome to social muffs. For those of you just joining us, I burped into the microphone because I thought no one would hear it. But baby Chino Rich has his headphones on, so he's just called me out on me burping. I I feel victimised and ashamed. Welcome to Social Moves. Lady Amy Mason is not here with us today because she has become a swan. She's in the lake, the Lady of the Lake. The Lady of the Lake. She's currently in a lake that I was not invited to again.

SPEAKER_03

I never even went to that.

SPEAKER_01

I know you fucking didn't. And I'm joined here today on uh my chat show with uh basketball player and Space Jam representative. Um I'm so sorry. Is it was it empty? Yeah. Shall we just leave it there? But it's now smashed. Okay, well just leave it. I'm so sorry, Rich. I know. Oh no. My reaction to that cup smashing was very over the top. Sorry about that. Um well that's your basketball career, Brilliant. Could you just slap a cop? Sorry, put me down. If you're listening in audio, obviously you won't be able to see this. If you're listening on video, well done, you've paid some money. Um but we had an episode. Harriet's dressed like a basketball player.

SPEAKER_03

Why are you ridiculous? You didn't say anything to me in private. Now you're ridiculous. This is what is this, a roast?

SPEAKER_01

Well, that's a roast chicken. No, but I think you look nice. I'm not having a go.

SPEAKER_03

It's because you're new basketball, we're just like dinosaurs.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, is that are the raptors an actual team? Yeah. Really?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Oh. Number. Oh, that's nice. She's got a topper with a dinosaur on it. And uh, I think you look nice.

SPEAKER_03

Uh and I'm commemorating the life of Sam Neil.

SPEAKER_01

Who?

SPEAKER_03

It's poor Sam Neil that dying from Jurassic Park Man.

SPEAKER_01

The Jurassic Park Man. Is that what he would have wanted? You wearing a basketball tap. Fair enough. Uh, yes, Amy Mason's not here, she's been attacked by swans or whatever it was I was saying before.

SPEAKER_03

Um I used to have a bit about that. Do you remember? Yeah. That I left that a girl got a kid. I mean, she's dead now, but she got a kid taken away from her because she left them with a group of swans.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. But they are, as you say, but they belong to the queen. Yeah. So who else would you trust? Exactly. Thank you, Liz. I like that joke, it was funny. Thank you. Yeah, it's true. If the Queen, you know, the Queen's uh We have we recorded last week's episode is not gonna air audioly because what happened was we had a technical fuck up. So we've recorded it visually, and we're gonna try and save some of the audio for that so it goes on Patreon, but there's like an episode missing. But you won't know that. Yeah, you won't know that. You won't know that. Don't this is just normal you shouldn't fucking worry about it. Don't fucking worry about it.

SPEAKER_03

So shall we summarise what happened in that episode? Yeah. I won.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, you won. I was ill, I still sound a bit ill. Um Harriet went to Lords. No, ha no, let me try to remember. No, you weren't baptized.

SPEAKER_03

Wrapped in the wafers. No, the Catholic wafers.

SPEAKER_01

Harriet's social story was she she wanted to go on a canoe, but she wouldn't pay money for it, so she didn't. So instead she joined a breakdancing class for old women on Facebook. Women of a certain age. Who then went to Lourdes to cure Harriet's hearing, and apparently she swam at Lourdes, which I don't think she understands whatever. And uh now she's got six seahorses in her ears. Rich has got his head in his hands.

SPEAKER_03

Do you know? I've not done I can't tell you the last time I did a gig where at some point someone had didn't have their head in their hands.

SPEAKER_01

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_03

Like at some point, and I'm only reminded of it every time someone does it, and then I'm like, oh, so that's that.

SPEAKER_01

Because why do you think that is?

SPEAKER_03

I don't know. So someone Do you think they're laughing? Yeah, but there's l I don't put my head in my hands when I laugh. Some people do. So it it's you only laugh when something's ridiculous.

SPEAKER_01

Harriet.

SPEAKER_03

I mean you only put your head in your hands when you feel the vibe is ridiculous.

SPEAKER_01

Harriet.

SPEAKER_03

Lindsay.

SPEAKER_01

Harriet.

SPEAKER_03

Lindsay.

SPEAKER_01

Think about Lindsay. Think about who you are as a person.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, but Lindsay, I am me.

SPEAKER_01

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

So you can't go think about I you are as a person because I've lived with myself now.

SPEAKER_01

No, but I mean how when you're on stage, your material doesn't necessarily follow a standard format of comedy, such as based in reality. Which is, I think, tickles me enormously. And I love, but there are times when, especially the someone's knocking at the door. Um I haven't done that for years. I loved it. Uh people might go, I don't understand what's happening. With Harriet's comedy, you have to get on board, and I'm not telling you you have to, but I'm saying if you do, what a ride. What a wonderful ride, what a treat. Come along, we're gonna have a great day. It's lovely. But yeah, if you don't, you've got your head in your hands, yeah, and you'll be crying.

SPEAKER_03

No, but it is when people are laughing, but they also have their head in their hands. Yeah, because they've got uh they've got uh imagine if they've secretly got uh an earphone bud with tragedy by steps.

SPEAKER_01

Tragedy I don't know the moves.

SPEAKER_03

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01

I think I've just done the muck-up. I know this one.

SPEAKER_03

This bit of it. Oh my god, do you remember when Paul I mean do you remember when Paul H. from said steps because his real name was Ian Watkins? Oh my god, that's so sad.

SPEAKER_01

I also liked it when uh I didn't like it, like people would take pictures of drain covers that had H on it because it look and say like RIP H is buried here because it looks like he's a black and he would always be like, Oh, thank you. I've met him at a recording. He's genuinely number one, absolutely gorgeous.

SPEAKER_03

Is he?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, like he I can't do you know when you go into a jewellery shop and they sell gems and they're kind of sparkly but not like he's twinkly, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

His eyes are twinkly, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

That's lovely, and I don't know how like he's very twinkly. That's lovely. But in a in a like a He doesn't age, does he? And he's also just a very nice, funny man.

SPEAKER_03

Wonderful, very kind because the H was because he was hyperactive, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So is he hyperactive in real life? I found him to be uh a normal, balanced person, but I was with him in a professional setting, and I don't know what he's like in his house, apart from glowing like a glorious rock. Wonderful that's been unearthed, but he seemed very, very nice.

SPEAKER_03

I have no qualms, but then there was another one it where they didn't think about it as a hashtag and it was like Susan Boyle or something.

SPEAKER_01

Susan Boyle's album party, but it said anal party, yeah. Susan's anal Susan's anal bum party. That's it. Susan's anal bum. Hashtag Susan's anal bum party. Susan or but I'll just keep saying it, anal bun party. It's an anal. I'm wondering if she laughed. I I don't know.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I don't know her, but I never met Susan.

SPEAKER_01

No, I'll have to meet Susan.

SPEAKER_03

I'd like to. She's had a glow up recently, hasn't she?

SPEAKER_01

She had a she had a glow up ages ago.

SPEAKER_03

Good old Susan.

SPEAKER_01

She's had another one, hasn't she? She did that Lucas Aid advert for the football.

SPEAKER_02

Did she? Recently.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, a few months ago.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that's it really. Yeah, Amy's not here. She did send a voice note in. Are we gonna play it? Can we be bothered?

SPEAKER_03

Oh my god, do you want to know something mad though? For some reason, I got in my friend's car, she reversed, and the beeping of the sc was in my guess.

SPEAKER_01

Can you believe that? I find it mad. I remember my nan had an ear at hearing aids in, and she would she'd looped, it was like I can't remember, it's like a hearing loop thing, and she'd looped it to the telly. So whenever we used to go and visit her, we'd have to just like if the telly was on, we wouldn't it would be silent because obviously it's going in her ears. We're like, what the fuck is going on? Let me find this. Uh there's uh so Amy Mason's not here because she's got she's with the swans.

SPEAKER_03

Violent diarrhea. She's with the swans now.

SPEAKER_01

She's with the swans.

SPEAKER_03

That's like what you know when you that you hook your phone up to the music for like an event or something and then forget and then take a phone call and you're this is a bit with Matt Richardson when I've done his gigs.

SPEAKER_01

If I try to ring him to find out where the gig is, because his playlist is set on, he's he he like has his phone on silent, like on airplane mode. And I'm like, I need to get fucking where am I like oh is it pen in the arms. Where am I? Let me play Amy's message so Amy's not here this week, social faux pas.

SPEAKER_00

Look, guys, I've had a social faux par and a half. Oh I um I ran a Zoom course, a comedy writing course, and I um I couldn't get into the Zoom for 15 minutes. This is the first session. I couldn't get into the Zoom because I'd like oh, I can't then I couldn't find the link to the Zoom. Her own Zoom. I got a panic attack, my ex-husband was called and I was having a proper panic attack. My children were in the other room. I was screaming and swearing. And I did get into the Zoom after 15 minutes, and I ran the course for a while, and then I tried to find something else on my desktop, and I lost the Zoom window. And I was going, I don't know where the fuck it's gone, I don't know where it's gone. Stop with my ex-husband. Please help me, please help me. I don't know where it's gone. And then I ended up just emailing everyone and saying, let's just leave it. Let's just leave it for today. Um and come back next week. I just gave up. And then after that, I realized that they'd been able to see me, I'm sure, because I just accidentally minimized the window. So I don't know where the fuck it's gone. Help me where the fuck it's gone. Hyperventilum. Anyway, it's a bit of uh I'd like to know how you could help me. Uh I'd like some kind of brain eraser technology, ideally. But if you could just work that up for me. I'm 24 years old. What am I gonna be like? This is only gonna get worse.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Anyway, that's my social phoba. Please help me know how to deal with the going forwards, moving on with the group from here on out.

SPEAKER_01

I think cancelled the course.

SPEAKER_03

All together.

SPEAKER_01

They I if I was doing a course, a comedy course, and half like I don't know, however long it was, did she say half an hour?

SPEAKER_02

Children were screaming.

SPEAKER_01

A children were screaming in the background. She's she's as far as I'm aware, what's happened? Because you, if you're watching it, you can't tell someone's minimised the window. So they've just seen her going, help me, help me, help me, where the fuck's it gone? Help me, help me, where the fuck's it gone?

SPEAKER_03

Where the fuck has it gone?

SPEAKER_01

Like they don't know she's minimised the window. Of course, I didn't even think they'd just seen this woman suddenly start screaming. Um I Amy, I don't know why you're asking us for help. We're not the best people to do.

SPEAKER_03

And it's already, well, because she was messaging me at the time this was happening and I said to her, Well, it's on brand. Because it's not like it's it's not like she's offering a course in finance. No, do you know what I mean? I think she is chaotic. If anyone's seen her shows, it's because like all the shows are like a series of disasters, yes, yes. So, but then obviously, as a friend, you can't go, you fuck me.

SPEAKER_01

I think do the next one, see how many people come back and just see what see how you feel after that. But I just love I love the idea of just the piece, just sat there. Someone's watching you, she's no, they've no idea she's minimized the window, and she's just going, help me! Fuck off! Where the fuck are they gone? And then she sent a really formal email going, guys. I think we should just leave it, Maven.

SPEAKER_03

Like she's breaking up with them, kind of gods, Amy.

SPEAKER_01

What would you do?

SPEAKER_03

Uh I think I would rely on my charm to bring it back.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

So I would go, bloody hell, I've had a mess. So then it's resolved.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I the thing is with Amy is she's just this, she's very, she's charming, but also she presents quite professionally when she needs to.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Which is why I think going between that and then fuck up, like, is it's quite. I think it's like you said, it's a company course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be fine.

SPEAKER_03

But I think she needs to address it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, Judy, you can't, you cannot.

SPEAKER_03

Is that what she's done? So in the email, she's not mentioned, she just gone, I think we should leave it like they're going through a breakup.

SPEAKER_01

I think yeah, you need to address it in the next uh course because otherwise people will be concerned for you. Um like we are we are concerned for you. Have you been up to anything this week?

SPEAKER_03

Well I had something to say about that, something else to say about that, but I can't ru I can't think what it was.

SPEAKER_01

Uh so she was messaging you as it was happening.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And it's her own Zoom she's set up that she can't find.

SPEAKER_03

Do you know though? You know, when you min when when you accidentally minimise your window, it's panic inducing. Don't you think?

SPEAKER_01

No, just open the window again.

SPEAKER_03

I've got three screens. Why?

SPEAKER_01

Who are you?

SPEAKER_03

Daddy Warbooks.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, Daddy Warbooks, the the guy who adopted a child, famously known for having three fucking computer screens. Yeah. Yo, Daddy fucking warbooks. Scrooge my Scrooge McDuck. Another guy who's famously known for having computer screens. Cyril Cyril fuck! No, I just what I like to do when I'm working, because when I was when I was working, I would have two screens. So then I've I've kept like I've got two screens now as well. So I'd plu I'd plug my laptop in and I link it so that I'll have um so like if I'm if I'm writing, I'll have something on this screen and something on that screen. I can't, I like to have I like to as well if I'm working, sit at a desk. Oh my god. And I need a mouse. That's like in uh hunted where where fugitives are on the run and then they've got all the CCTV and I've only got two sc I've got three screens if I have my laptop open, but I never really and I can shut that and then but like sometimes I'll be like playing a computer game. So I'll play my computer game for a bit and then I'll just move over to the other screen and do some some bits and bumps.

SPEAKER_03

Like an octopus.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, look no, because I've still got two hands.

SPEAKER_03

Two hands going on the game, two hands eating your dinner, two hands writing you jokes.

SPEAKER_01

That's six hands, and then another two hands. Having a wank.

SPEAKER_03

Editing. No, your wank.

SPEAKER_02

Editing.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, that's brilliant, that is. But I would just never be able to yeah, yeah, I just always minimise. I don't think I've ever had a Zoom call which wasn't on a laptop.

SPEAKER_01

Well, it because when it was COVID and that, I bought like a proper mic set up, and it just works better on. Because as well, if you're on a Zoom, this is what doesn't happen to me. I'll have my Zoom and camera set up facing the one screen, but then if they're like, oh but then they'll be like, oh uh they'll I don't know, what's Jason Donovan up to? I'll go, hang on, I have a little Google. Can look on the screen without shutting anything. No. I have to hide my own face when I'm talking on Zoom, otherwise I just stare at myself because I'm beautiful.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, I have to look at myself. Oh really? Yeah, to know what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_01

Oh. What do you you what?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, if I if I can't see myself, I'm all discombobulated. Why? And I have to look at my lips to check what I've said.

SPEAKER_01

You have to check your own mouth to see what's coming out of your own head. How do you compute in life?

SPEAKER_03

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_01

You can't see your own mouth now.

SPEAKER_03

I can. I'm like, um, you know what? No, I've got like a little um hamster that I've got in my lips on the side of its head like Dolly the Sheep.

SPEAKER_01

What?

SPEAKER_03

You know Dolly the Sheep was cloned.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, but not with a pair of mouth, mouths, mouths.

SPEAKER_03

That's that's a matter of opinion.

SPEAKER_01

That is a matter of opinion.

SPEAKER_03

Fair enough, fair enough. Can't argue with it. I every time I go to do voiceover or something and I need silence in my flat, it's you can the fucking seagulls, someone will mow the lawn, or what or there's a cleaner on a Thursday that with the Hoover on my front door.

SPEAKER_01

Have you got have you seen those little pods you can put over your head?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, did I tell you about this? I went to buy one, but I didn't I didn't understand the measurements, so I've got so Donkey Lady's given me a massive box, so I'm making my own.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, yeah, I think we have discussed this, and I said, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

It's such a thick box, and then I know my measurements if it's in real life.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, okay. How's that going?

SPEAKER_03

I haven't started it yet.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, it's been a while.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I haven't had a voiceover.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, do you reckon you'll get any?

SPEAKER_03

Excuse me. What do you mean? I'm I'm a sought-after voiceover.

SPEAKER_01

No, I just mean what's gonna happen is someone will ring you and go, Oh, can Harriet do a voiceover next week? And you'll go, Oh my god, I've got to build my fucking box, and your box won't be ready. So I'm saying is you you've got time now. You've got time and energy and love. Yeah, you're so right.

SPEAKER_03

So I just need to go to what it is is I need to go to Poundland to get some gaffer tape.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Why gaffer tape?

SPEAKER_03

To to tape my box up.

SPEAKER_01

I really want to see the process.

SPEAKER_03

Well, I'm gonna do a come with me to make my Yes, please.

SPEAKER_01

I can't wait to see what this is. And then you're gonna put your head in the box.

SPEAKER_03

Head in the box with my laptop and my microphone.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. But does it collapse? If that fucking bastard person comes and gadunks my door though, I won't be happy. Yeah, but you can gadunk because you'll be control. Right, right, right. Maybe I'll just make it as a hat. Maybe you can get them like this. So I'll just put a hole, like, you know, the bushtucker trials where you put your heads in and then they put the mosquitoes in your ears.

SPEAKER_01

That's essentially what it is. Yeah, I'll do that. Put me out. I used to get the sofa cushions and make a little fork and then just sit in it if I was doing like Yeah, but I'd do it, I'd do it once when I had the my office.

SPEAKER_03

I I would go underneath a ladder of blankets. Don't you used to go under a desk? Yeah, I've done it all, but it hurts your back.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it would uh Yeah. What's the uh best for uh recording? I don't know. Just get a better mic and don't live in a house where they could dunk a could dunker your walls, that's what I say. Were you uh what have you done this week?

SPEAKER_03

Well I'll tell you what I've done this week. I've actually uh joined a group not this again. I've joined another group on Facebook called um it's called the uh it's a group for ladies of a certain age. Fuck off. It's a group called Whimsical Ladies of a Certain Age.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, whims yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And this week we went to a sardine factory, but you'll never guess what happened because I'm trying to socialize. I won't guess what happened because it didn't happen, but tell her what happened. But my issue is because I'm obviously trying to be more sociable, but four of them.

SPEAKER_01

With whimsical light, yeah. What makes them whimsical?

SPEAKER_03

Tell me now. What dwell is personality, it's how they articulate, it's the they the whisk, they've got a little few whiskers on their face that they've turned into like one's got uh she's plattered it into the a rook from a chess piece. So the issue that I did have was that when we were looking at the sort how the sardines are made, four of the women fell in and have been tinned.

SPEAKER_01

Where was this?

SPEAKER_03

Cheltenham.

SPEAKER_01

That's handy. That's right. Didn't you? So what you were telling me is what I was telling me.

SPEAKER_03

Soon to be friends.

SPEAKER_01

Not anymore, they're in sardine cans.

SPEAKER_03

I know that's that's how about that? Well, I've got a life size key in the car now to unwind them out of the can. You've just left them in there. Life size key, a bigger than life size key.

unknown

Isn't the key?

SPEAKER_01

You worry about me questioning that when you've just told me you've made four friends with whimsical ladies. One of them's got a rock beard and they've fallen in sardine camp.

SPEAKER_03

No, four of them. There were ten of us all together. We've lost four to the sardines. Do you remember their names? Yeah. Yeah. What are they? Yeah? Hello? What the ones that fell in or the other ones?

SPEAKER_01

Uh let's go with the four that fell in because there's less of them.

SPEAKER_03

Oily babs.

SPEAKER_01

Oily. Yeah, Chris. Imagine having a get baby born. That's oily babs. Yeah, oily babs is born.

SPEAKER_03

Sanita.

SPEAKER_01

Sanita from X Factor.

SPEAKER_03

No. Different Sanita. She's got a lot going on. Oily Babs.

SPEAKER_01

You're just naming things you can see. Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_03

And uh Selina Caprika.

SPEAKER_01

Selena Caprika. Oily Babs, Sanita. What was it all called? Carpet and Selena Caprika.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Okay. And were they did you think so whimsical? Yeah. This is why we need Amy. We need Amy. Oh yeah, she was a zoned out. I would stop it. And I'm like, tell me more about the fucking women in the sardine game.

SPEAKER_03

Do you reckon we should do that thing, you know, when people go uh they they um up the ante of their fornication and then they have a code word.

SPEAKER_01

Are we having sex? Is that what you're saying?

SPEAKER_03

But maybe we should we should do that where Amy will if we go too whimsy or off piece, she do you know, like people say pineapple if they don't if they think that you're too fruity within your relations.

SPEAKER_01

Oh I did not know that was a thing. Isn't it? I thought pineapple was when you were a swinger.

SPEAKER_03

No, that's when you have a pineapple.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

This is the word of a pineapple.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, so if Amy Mason says the words of a pineapple. If Amy Mason says, these are the words of a pineapple. We've gone too far. These are the words of a pineapple. We'll go, okay, Amy, we'll come back in.

SPEAKER_03

They're not the words of a pineapple, they're just the word pineapple.

SPEAKER_01

No, but I think it's it's good to say it in a sentence. It seems less or less aggressive. These are the words. These are the words of a pineapple.

SPEAKER_02

It's like a Natasha Beddingfield song. These words are of a pineapple. I don't have a pineapple in that issue.

SPEAKER_03

I love a pineapple. Oh, but you know, when it if it's some pineapples, they give you tingles.

SPEAKER_01

I find them too too acidy.

SPEAKER_03

There's something, I don't know what it is, but there's a the Tesco owned brie. I'd get a What the fuck have we gone for? If I have that, like my nose twitches, and sometimes if I eat pineapple, I get the same sort of feeling in my gums.

SPEAKER_01

I um remember I took four yakul in a go. And you quadruple dropped. Yeah, but I was like, oh, I haven't got I'm not gonna take them all week because I was going out. I was like, you know. And I thought, I'll just take them now. And it did half mate all day. I was getting like it was in, it had coated my whole body.

SPEAKER_03

Oh no.

SPEAKER_01

I felt it within me in my veins.

SPEAKER_03

That's too much yakle.

SPEAKER_01

That's too much culture.

SPEAKER_03

Also, I I think I think it's the the whole thing is bullshit as well. I I think it's like bifidus digestivus.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I also think when people say it's hydrochloronic acid, I'm like, isn't that just on your teeth? No, on your skin. When they're putting like ben uh not benzos, what's the benzos like a drug?

SPEAKER_03

What's that pink thing that people have?

SPEAKER_01

Please narrow it down.

SPEAKER_03

Peptobismal.

SPEAKER_01

Got some of that in my handbag. Oh my god when you've got nausea, hard indigestion.

SPEAKER_03

Would you do that for a lot of money?

SPEAKER_01

I'd do that for 50p.

unknown

What?

SPEAKER_01

To be on TV singing the word diarrhea! I fucking love it. I better bloody well would.

SPEAKER_03

Well, would you go if you would you only do the diarrhea?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Fair fair.

SPEAKER_01

That's the worst one, I think. This week for me.

SPEAKER_03

But wait, wait, wait. What? You're just gonna leave them ladies in the tins?

SPEAKER_01

But you fucking left them there.

SPEAKER_03

No, I'm going back after this.

SPEAKER_01

With my life-size key. With your life-size key holder ring. Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, what's happening with them then? Come on. Yeah, well, the well, poor old Oily Barbara.

SPEAKER_01

Oily Barbara wasn't there, was she?

SPEAKER_02

Oily Babs.

SPEAKER_01

Oh yeah, sorry. Sorry. I didn't know her full name with Barbara, my apologies. I just assumed it was Babs.

SPEAKER_03

Well, that's the thing with oil, you're preserving, aren't you?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

So I did that, and then also I went to I did shuttle boards with shuffle boards with Donkey Lady and I met up with Emma Hughes. Do you know her?

SPEAKER_02

No.

SPEAKER_03

I met up with her I might do one really bad report. Anna boyfriend, and I had um uh a raspberry lemonade.

SPEAKER_01

Oh lovely. That's a nice day for you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03

Well no, because I did something on the evening and then I don't I'm not very good if I have two social things in one day.

SPEAKER_01

I can't do two unless they're in the same place, I'll what like speed dating. No, but like you know, like if I'm in town, if I'm in Birmingham and someone's like, oh do you want to meet for a coffee? And I'm like, oh, I meant to be meeting such and such to go to the cinema, I'll be like, but it's in town, so I will meet for it. But like if it's like I've got to go there to there, I'm not I'm not doing it. You're okay.

unknown

Get fun, get fun, get fun.

SPEAKER_03

So what did you do?

SPEAKER_01

Well, I um I had a uh well, how do I begin? I haven't wasn't well last week. This week, um I was getting better, but then made myself more ill because I went to a bottomless brunch for my friend's birthday. Wow, and I I don't drink that much anymore. If I do drink, I'll stick to like one type of drink, which I've realised in my life. It's just that's easier. You can get a little bit tiddly and you don't get hungover. This fucking got there, it was boiling hot. We're on a rooftop in Worcester. There's only six of us. It took them half we only have a set amount of time to get the drinks out. We'd been there for half an hour. Bottomless. Exactly. They've been there for half an hour, they're not even bought us a drink, not even water. I had to go up and go, can I have some water? It's fucking boiling. And our food came out, and we were like, we haven't even ordered any drinks, what's going on? Then the girl who was running the manager came up, she was like, I'll sort this out, you'll be very satisfied. And I said, I'm not satisfied now, I'm dehydrated. I said, Can I at least have a jug of water? She was like, Oh, sorted out. You'll be very satisfied. Why did she keep saying you'll be very, but it was doing my fucking heading? And then so when we finally got to order drinks, I was like, What is the strongest one? And they were like long island iced tea. It's got about three. I was like, fucking get me one of them. Um, so the food is very tiny. Drank about three long island iced teas. My friend didn't like her drinks, so I drank that. Oh, then they brought, then to make sure we were all okay, they brought us two bottles of Prosecco. I'm not saying I was fucked, but I was fucking. We were only there for an hour and a half, and I cannot remember leaving.

SPEAKER_02

Well, I remember I was talking to some girl outside.

SPEAKER_01

Felt so bad. Talk to some girl outside because it was her birthday, and she's like, Oh, it's my birthday. I normally have to share it with my sister because we're born at the same time. Uh and then this lad came over and was like, Oh, she's my ex and we're still really good friends. And I went, I just went, You're I said, You're a gay, you're gay. I said, Can you? And he went, what? And I went, I said, You're gay. Can you tell me? Like, I was asking him about the back of my hair. I don't know why, because I was pissed. And he was, and it he was like, Oh my god, then ran off. And shut up. The girl said, Oh, is any just come out? And I was like, Well, I like I it's it's not subtle. Um even when I was pissed, I was like, it's not subtle. Uh so I was already upsetting people. I'd walked out, we'd walked then to another bar where me and my other friend, who I haven't this is the thing, I haven't seen them, I don't see them very often. I went to uni with them. I was fucked, man. I was absolutely fucked. I sat in a beer garden. There's pictures, like I don't think I did anything embarrassing, but because the trains weren't running, David came to pick me up from Worcester, but he had May in the car, and he picked me up. Bear in mind I started drinking at three, it's now six o'clock. I've been gone for three hours. He picks me up. I got in the car, I was apparently singing. David said I was fine, but just like really loud and annoying. I can't remember anything. I apparently was May was like, Mummy's great. And then, like, there's this sequin handbag I've got that's got Diamonty like cocktail things, and I found that in the cupboard while I was getting ready, and apparently May was like, Can I have it? And I was like, Yeah. So she's now got so anyway. The next morning I woke up and I was like, Why's Mae got my handbag? And and David was like, You gave it to her. I was like, Oh, okay. And then I came down to eat a bit of my chocolate bar, and I was like, Who's been eating my chocolate bar? And David said, Do you not remember? You got in and went to bed, and then came downstairs completely naked. What? Right, stood at the fridge, started eating this chocolate bar like it was good, like someone was gonna take it off you, like it's a big chunk, threw it back in the fridge and just went back up to bed, didn't acknowledge mate. I don't remember that. But yeah, that was me. It was nice because I saw my friends and it was lovely, but I just feel like drinking man, it's so bad.

SPEAKER_03

To be fair though, it wasn't really your fault because no, it was my fault because I because they didn't give you, they howled back the this could be maybe what they do all the time. They how back the drinks, then you don't you don't end up drinking a massive amount because you because you you haven't been given drinks for ages, so then you're just like making up for it.

SPEAKER_01

And they give you food, but it's not really like anything that's gonna fill you up. It was like I was it was uh which is another plot of them. No, like here to make you feel better, we'll give you some proseca. I don't drink proseca because I know it makes me feel sick, but because it was like, well, make sure you're satisfied.

SPEAKER_03

Were you satisfied?

SPEAKER_01

I was I don't know what I was because I was not even on the fucking planet.

SPEAKER_03

And was everyone the next day telling you what a nightmare you were?

SPEAKER_01

No, because we were all at exactly the same level. Right. I paid for my friend to get home because there was no taxi. No, there's no she was like, Oh, I can get the train, but if I miss this train then I can't get back. And I was like, Oh, well why just stay out for a bit. Anyway, she ended up leaving like 10 minutes later than she would have done if she got the train because we were all so fucked. Um, it was just well, two of the girls didn't really drink, so then they must have been like, What the fuck is happening on? But the four of us that were were just and I'm a pain in the arse, and my friend is as well. When we do this thing where we go out and we and I forgot we used to do, we just go up to people and start talking to them, and I'm like, Why am I doing this? I don't care about I don't it was I was just just the idea of me coming down naked in the middle, anyone could have been in my living room, I wouldn't give a fuck. I love it.

SPEAKER_03

I think it's like uh it sounds like wild days at uni.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, but I just the next day as well, I had uh you're hanging out your ass. I wasn't too bad. I had some paracetamol and I was actually alright, but then I had a McDonald's for lunch.

SPEAKER_03

Oh dear.

SPEAKER_01

And I had a a curry for dinner.

SPEAKER_03

Oh no, Lindsay. But every so often, and you hadn't seen your friends in ages.

SPEAKER_01

But I feel like I haven't seen them anyway, because I was paralytic for half of it. Yeah. For the three hours I was out the fucking house.

SPEAKER_03

I don't think bottomless brunches are the way forward. I I think they're fine. I've never done one. I would never do one either. They're just like I just don't- I don't drink spirit unless it was like unlimited well i I'm a lightweight, so it would just be pointless for me. I just have like three glasses of red white.

SPEAKER_01

This is what I mean. I don't think I need to spend 60 quid. I'd rather buy myself a nice dinner and have 60 quid per person.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, shut up. I will not be even less satisfied now.

unknown

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_03

I don't even think we need to do a listener.

SPEAKER_01

No, we don't, I think we're done.

SPEAKER_03

We I don't understand what we've said.

SPEAKER_01

Nothing. Anyway, I'm still hungover a bit, I think. It's gonna yeah. I've I am hungover now for about three weeks.

SPEAKER_03

I think you've won. Well done.

SPEAKER_01

Well, I don't think I have because I obviously haven't got any friends that are in the world.

SPEAKER_03

And obviously, I've now got to deal with them now.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, no, yeah. But that's for next week's podcast episode. I'll ask you how you got on.

SPEAKER_03

Amy's not gonna be happy about that.

SPEAKER_01

Why? Because it's silly. You're talking what was it? You're talking pineapples. What was it?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, it's a the word of the pineapple.

SPEAKER_01

The word of the pineapple. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03

Sign up for our Patreon Jesus loves you. He doesn't. Yeah, he loves me. He doesn't exist. Bye. Bye.